The Proverbial Housewife

Yes that's me....

The one that is sitting at home putting away groceries and doing laundry while everyone else is off doing their thing.

My daughter is at the mall, 'running away from home' or me. Dare I say, being a brat.

Something that I haven't shared about the amazing birth of my grandson is that several days after his birth I became his primary caregiver.

As of yesterday I am now supervisor... In my eyes I don't really see much of a distinction in the two roles as my daughter is still limited to two or three hours a day of unsupervised time with her son.

I feel stuck. Stuck in a situation of my own choosing because of the things that I think are important. Family.

Over the last several months I have heard more times than I can count phrases like: You're a homebody and don't like to go out. You are home anyways. You want to be home. You don't like going on these outings.

Yes I'm a homebody. I love my home and have little reason to seek enjoyment or anything else outside of it. That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy getting out of it. That doesn't mean that there aren't times when I want to 'run away' from the stress and responsibilities that are here. That doesn't mean that I don't want to spend some one on one time going for a drive with my husband.

My daughter and I have been butting heads for the last little bit. Mom speaking up doesn't seem to go over well with my children. :)

Any relationship needs a certain amount of give and take. Right now I'm feeling like a much worn out doormat. Feed him, change him, put him to bed, babysit... But don't tell me that I'm not burping him right (at all), getting up with him or question any of the other decisions that I'm making.

If she was living on her own then making decisions on what items to get rid of or what trips she would like to take or even her sleep schedule would be completely in her control and the consequences of those decisions would be completely on here. Such is not currently the case.

Yesterday it was about how she was feeding him. Today I have set her off by commenting on the fact that she is wanting to give away something that I use every morning to feed her son. Is it hers to give away? Absolutely. That's not really the point. Being an adult doesn't mean making decisions without taking other people into consideration. Certainly not the people that are there everyday. However when I say something I'm treating her like a child.

The other thing that is gnawing at me is money. I'm not asking for a lot considering we are helping out with pretty much everything. So yes when I see/hear my daughter talking about doing things with her money when I'm looking at the fact that we don't have enough money right now to cover what is coming out on the 1st, I tend to get a bit edgy.

When I comment on these types of things well she gets to go to the mall while I get dropped off at home to put away the groceries. When I let lose some of that frustration my husband walks out slamming the door.

Why did it frustrate me that she was going to the mall? She doesn't have a key so even as she is getting away from me and my criticism she is counting on me to be there when she gets home. Why? Because I love being at home. How much you wanna bet that right now I would rather be somewhere else?

Guess what... Where am I going to go and with whom? I don't have any friends. I don't have a life outside of the home because years ago I made the choice to leave my job, stay at home and eventually dedicate my life to my family.

My husband gave her his key. Called and asked if I wanted to go with him on his next drive about. My first thought: Hell yeah! Guess what? That will be leaving my daughter unsupervised for a lot longer then two or three hours. I'm the only one that thinks like that. :(

Recently she was visiting family and I'm pretty sure got used to barely being supervised at all. No that wasn't a good thing... She did however become more comfortable in the role of motherhood. That tends to happen when you are expected to do...

Now the honeymoon phase of her return is over and I'm trying to yet again find that balance between support and enabling.

Why can't I expect to be treated like others? Given a certain amount of respect and consideration? Not be lashed out at just because I make a comment that isn't to her liking? Why can't I expect her to step up without all the attitude?

So yeah as I listen to my daughter and husband talk about her working outside of the home. Getting baby daddy a job. My daughter looking down on the job I do have because I don't get paid frequently. My husband saying: Why can't you get a job?

Yes I guess I could if I wasn't the proverbial housewife.

Anyways, some laundry is calling my name. Thanks for listening.

Mom
Gramma
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Blueberry to Kiwi and a heartbeat.

Say hello to the newest member of our family. Fur-baby Kiwi.

At first my daughter named her Blueberry as her eyes were blue however I'm guessing just as human babies are usually born with blue eyes that change color, so too do kittens.

It has taken some time for Gucci to adjust as she can be a bit of a tyrant where Gucci is concerned. Gucci seems to be her favorite toy and Gucci's tail her favorite thing to stalk. On a good note, Gucci is getting more exercise! Now Gucci tolerates her napping beside her.

Yes I know, Gucci is a bit overweight. About 2 pounds according to the last vet visit. I have cut down on her wet food so hopefully she will lose a bit.

Kiwi has taken a liking to sleeping on my pillow when she sleeps with me. Gucci always wakes me up in the morning, usually between 5:30-6:30, by licking, head-butting or little nips on my ear if I ignore her too long. This morning I woke up to Kiwi on my pillow licking one side of my face and Gucci on the other side of pillow licking the other side of my face. Hard to wake up in a bad mood when you are being greeted with that!

2 weeks ago my daughter had her first appointment with the OBGYN. Neither one of us was expecting to hear what we did. The baby's heartbeat. We both cried... She has her first ultrasound appointment tomorrow.

My daughter is currently upstairs, in bed. She should be on her way to school. My daughter is being my daughter... Doing things the hard way. For the past 2 weeks she has only attended school 2 days each week.

Hubby called this morning to ask if she was up and should he text her. No. She only lies anyways and says she is up when she isn't. According to her she isn't lying because she sticks her foot of the bed so therefor her foot is up. Cute the first couple of times... Now, not so much. I have no intentions of ruining my mornings by calling and calling her until she gets snippy about it. It's her schooling and her tuition that she will have to pay back.

It's somewhat hard to not get pissy about her old group of friends that insist on contributing to her being up late, talking on the phone, however I lay the blame where it belongs, at her feet. I may not have to worry about that one too much shortly though. I have been telling her that I'm not going to pay her phone bill if it keeps up. I guess soon they are going to cut off outgoing calls. Good.

The other thing is Netflix. She watches it til all hours of the night/morning. I have been warning her that she won't be able to watch it on my internet... Last night I disconnected it. She can watch it on her phone however she will just be running up a bigger bill.

I didn't see her yesterday. She stayed in her room all day and didn't come out until I went to bed, even though I called her for dinner. *sigh*

Diagnosed, non-diagnosed...! ;)

Friday my son was taken to the long-term treatment facility. His Nana called crying that he was gone... I told her half way through the conversation that it's a good thing I'm a calm person and asked: Gone where? before I reacted. He has called me a couple of times to ask for money. Last night I asked him if he would sign a consent for me to talk to his doctor there. No, he wants to keep everything between him and his doctor. He asked if I would send out the laptop. I told him that I'm not comfortable with it being where I can't keep an eye on it. He could easily sell a $3000 laptop for $100 if he wanted marijuana bad enough. Then he suggested that perhaps he should come back here. Only if power of attorney is signed which is apparently against his religion. He agreed it is. :)

As for how he is. It's hard to tell. From what his Nana tells me, not good at all. He denies having any hallucination symptoms, voices etc when talking to me. He sounds fairly in the present however it's only for short periods that I'm talking to him.

Need to get ready for work...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What Does Society Teach? A Budget and Peppermint Oil.

The last couple of days I have been literally aching from head to toe as I have been hit with a cold. I haven't been working either as I have been doing my best to keep any talking to a bare minimum. Talking equals coughing. I have however discovered a wonderful cure to sinus congestion in peppermint oil. Knock on wood :). For the first time in my life-time of colds I have not had to deal with a runny nose or sinus congestion for longer then 5-10 minutes. As soon as it starts I put a dab on my finger and rub it in all around my nose and sinuses.

Dealing with my sore throat has not been so easy however I have been trying to be as pro-active as I can be. Lots of tea with honey, lemon and turmeric. Advil for my low grade fever and body aches. I was hoping to get back to work today however I'm having my doubts that will happen.

I may have to make a decision soon about work. I haven't been paid in over a month. Hubby and I were discussing a budget the other day so I took the time to write out how much we owe and how much our minimum monthly expenses are. We owe $43000. Our monthly expenses run around $5000. Add in extras like car maintenance, chiro or even us going out for dinner...

I don't even mind so much that I haven't been paid in a bit as I knew going in that this could happen. Still I can't let my boss get too far in dept with me either. It's dealing with some of the frustrations that make it not worth it. I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons of what I'm getting to what I could be getting. Yes I'm working from home and it's pretty cool to be doing that. I wanted to be able to continue to provide a certain level of care to my home and husband. Most importantly making good healthy dinners and spending our evenings together.

The last schedule change that my boss wanted... He wants me to work somewhere in the neighborhood of 9 am - 10:30 am, 11:30 am - 2 pm then 4 pm - 7:30 pm Mon-Thurs. Umm not! Plus it's a 6 days a week job. For the most part I don't mind as my husband usually works 6 days a week. Still I have dedicated most of my live to a job before and I'm not doing it again.

The pros... I get to work from home. What I've started to call my morning shift ;) I sometimes do in my PJ's. I can bake bread in between making calls. No one is micromanaging me.

The cons... I can work outside the home for less days with a more secure payment schedule.

I'm refusing to work past 6:30 pm. The other day I logged in and booked an appointment that had been confirmed through email. Through a pounding headache, tear filled stinging eyes with my body aching; I was trying to be responsible and keep an eye on my email... I booked an appointment without cc'ing someone that needs to be cc'd. Will I made a critical error... Why yes I did. I worked when I shouldn't have been working. I haven't logged in since. Things like this may be easier to take when your actually getting paid and not having to deal with the BS of someone not giving you the tools or knowledge to do your job properly.

Yes I know: The grass isn't greener on the other side... I think I take back most of the bitching I did about my old job. Every company has it's BS.

My son:

I found out on Friday that he was taking a bus to British Columbia on Sunday. Ontario to British Columbia is a 3 day bus ride.

2 weeks ago I had attended a group through the Schizophrenia Society and spoke to some of the others about how to go about getting my son admitted to hospital through court order. As usual it was a frustrating experience as everyone kept telling me that the hospital etc should have been telling me what to do. Well they weren't even with me asking for guidance. That included the PACT team. So even though I figured I had a bit of a fight ahead of me I still wanted to look into it.

I had been under the impression that my son was taking some medications as his nurse had told me that according to a worker at the shelter he was taking some. I knew that he wasn't taking care of his personal hygiene as I was helping with that when I saw him. I would get him to change his cloths and I would use wipes to clean his pits and face. Once I even took in Q-tips and had him clean his ears. Of course I had to do all this in the car since "Clients were not allowed to receive visitors".

Friday my son says to me: By the way I need to come and get my stuff because I'm going to Nanna's tomorrow. Both my husband and myself worked Friday and Saturday. Saturday I packed up what stuff he had here and took it to him. He asked if he could come home for the night and I agreed. I went into the shelter to collect his stuff and he had taken most of his cloths and electronics with him. There was nothing to collect and he was even wearing someone else's cloths and shoes.

I had thought that maybe my son and I could spend the evening together watching TV. It was after 9 by the time we got home. The first thing I had him do was put on some of his own cloths to find out that the shower he was supposed to have taken several days before wasn't obviously a good shower. He still smelled really bad. His hair and nails had been cut by his nurse from PACT. How he missed how bad my son smelled, I don't know.

I knew that my son's addiction had progressed from alcohol and marijuana to possibly cocaine and morphine. At one point I had brought one of his leather jackets home to try and clean and deodorize it but I had to throw it out. In the lining I found a baggy of white stuff. He thought he was buying cocaine. I think he got aspirin and bath salts. He did on one occasion tell me of a really nice guy that introduced him to morphine, he even had clean needles.

So many times I have fought the urge to bring him home. Canadian Thanksgiving I almost did. That morning I was going to... Then I thought it all through. To what end? I have no control over his money and therefor his ability to drink and use. When he drinks he becomes completely unmanageable in the home and puts everyone at physical risk. It would be 2 weeks of withdrawal, attitude and hopefully him just starting to get even on medications again before he got in another $600 from disability. And around it goes again. That's providing I could even keep him in the home that long.

Within 15 minutes of me bringing him home on Saturday he had spilled milk and juice all of the floor. By 10 he was outside in the back yard punching the walls. According to him he was doing art. I'm not sure either one of my neighbors that have young children were appreciating his form of art.

The fun part was when I decided to go through his backpack. The smell alone was enough to make me want to be sick. A couple of bottles of alcohol. One was almost full. My son not drink his alcohol! He was out of it to not remember that he had it. In the end I ended up tossing it and my husband went and got him a new one the next morning.

What else did I find? Lots of new needles in sterilized packaging along with Stericups... Sterilized cups for cooking your drugs in. Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for teaching addicts to be mindful of the transmission of diseases while they are shooting up. But seriously! Here's a new needle and cooking pot, don't forget to use an alcohol wipe first before you shot up with hands that are brown from nicotine and a months worth of build up body odor surrounding you. Come on! Really! I think they need to expand on these items to include a self-care manual with a toothbrush, toothpaste and at least some hand sanitizer and body wipes.

I didn't get to spend the evening with my son watching TV. I did get to spend until about 3 am with his voices. I have never seen them so bad. It was a constant dialogue between him and them. All you could hear was him whispering/talking to them under his breathe along with sporadic outbursts of laughter. Once I walked into the kitchen to him cocking and shooting a pretend gun.

He did take his medications when I gave them to him and finally they shut his voices up at around 3. Oh yes the medications I had been told he was taking. I picked up a months worth of unopened medications packages dating back to Sept 15.

I had been complacent again. After the last time his grandmother had said she wasn't taking him I thought I had some breathing room. I figured it was just a matter of time before he was admitted to hospital again. With that admission I was going to push for a reevaluation of his diagnoses since the PACT team was refusing my request. I would have also tried pushing for some sort of temporary decision making capabilities until I could further figure out how to get power of attorney through the mental health courts.

Sometimes I shake my head at myself because I really should know better. Everything was just too quiet. Whenever I asked my son if he was talking to his grandmother he would say not a lot. The PACT team stopped calling me. My son stopped asking to come home... Really that should have been enough for me to know. Hindsight is 20/20.

What bothers me the most is that I wasn't deemed worthy enough of so much as a phone call to say: Hey, I'm making arrangements for your son... I don't care what one wants to think of me personally. You can think I'm scum of the earth if you want to however the fact remains that I'm the one that carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him. The alone deserves a minimum amount of respect and consideration.

I wasn't deemed worthy enough of a phone call to say he made it there either. He did by the way.

I'm not sure how I feel about him being there. As I have been going through my own journey of letting go of things that I can't change, I know that I can't change or fix his addiction and therefor his mental health. I wasn't willing any longer to turn my home and world into circus to accommodate him. His grandmother is. Would I rather him be with her then where he was? Yes.

I don't think that it's going to have a good ending however I accept that this is what they both want.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

For my readers:

I wanted to take a minute and let you know that I have decided to take a break from blogging.

I love blogging however my blog has turned into an unhealthy form of communication between myself and someone else. What I blog or say gets misinterpreted and misunderstood on a very big scale.

It has also lost it's ability to be a form of my own expression as I no longer have the freedom to express myself without monitoring everything I say.

Things that I blog that are completely without blame or consequence and isn't meant to verbally attack in any way, gets taken that way.

Why should I care? Well because it's my children's family.

I try really hard to keep my daughter out of being in the middle of a tough enough situation yet she is constantly being pulled in. I'm sure my blog has become a source of contention for her as well as she is constantly having to read it when she doesn't want to, to defend me or fix the misunderstanding.

For now I am stepping back.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Why yes, I'm ecstatic!

Sarcasm!

Forewarned this post may be a bit if a rant.

I saw my son yesterday. He's a mess. He has obviously been in the same cloths for a long time. He hasn't showered or even washed that I can tell. He hasn't been taking his medications. I'm pretty sure he has been smoking marijuana.

Hubby and I picked him up to take him and get cigarettes. First we had to go to the bank so that I could transfer him his $314 that I owed him from disability. The whole time we were with him he was clenching his fist with all of his strength. I knew when I saw this that he wasn't taking his medications. At one point hubby said he asked my son why he was doing this and my son replied that he was trying to make his body work right. His brain isn't working right so his body isn't going to. He ended up giving me his bank card so that I could buy the smokes for him because he couldn't 'catch his breath' to get out of the car and do it himself.

I told my son that once we got back to the shelter I was going to go in with him so he could get his medications and put on some clean cloths. He said ok. As soon as we walked in to the shelter... Hello ODD. His defiance came out of nowhere. He didn't want his medications. One of the staff said they have been talking to him about showering etc however he 'bolts' or leaves the shelter.

Hubby and I have been talking about what to do. So far we haven't come up with any solid answers. I try not to get pissy with him when he asks me what I'm going to do. But seriously, if I had the answers I would be doing it. I don't have them... I don't know what to do.

I know how much I wanted to grab my son's stuff and bring him home.

Here's the catch. I'm a recovered addict. If I want to stay a recovered addict then one thing that I need to be able to do is think things through to the end. One of the problems with being an addict is that the mind only wants to see the good parts of using. Not the negative consequences and as long as one can keep blocking out those memories then one can keep pretending that using is ok.

I forget the exact wording of what was said during an ADAPT meeting but something along the lines of: An addict will not change until the pain of using is worse then the pain of not using.

I can bring him home. He has over $300 in his bank account. He is unstable and defiant. He believes he should be able to smoke and drink in his room. It doesn't take a genius to figure out where that scenario is most likely going.

I had already said to my husband that I need to bring him home if I can put some things in place. Before I left I tried to talk to my son. I wasn't expecting it to be an in-depth conversation considering his mental state. I got worse then I was expecting. I went to crouch/sit beside him and he got mad and told me to stand up and talk to him. I don't know why he gets like this with me. I mean the not wanting me to talk to him on his level. It just goes against everything that I have read on how to talk to someone experiencing psychosis. Especially since he gets so defiant with me being the main disciplinary. Yet he still gets mad, doesn't want me on his level and wants me to take the authoritative stance. The only thing I can reason is that somewhere in his head is a recognition that he actually needs someone to take on the role of authority for him. But then his ODD gets in the way...

I asked him if he remembered talking to his Nana about not going out there. Yes. I told him that I want to take him home however I can't if he has control over his money to buy alcohol because alcohol is killing him. I want power of attorney. He refused.

A couple of days ago I received a message from his grandmother stating that she had told him no to him coming there and she hoped that made everyone happy. Needless to say I didn't respond. The sarcastic side of me wanted to answer with: Why yes, I'm ecstatic. Thank you! I figured not answering was the better option.

My daughter calls to find out if I got the message and to include the side-note that obviously Nana didn't really mean it and that she would step in and take him if she felt it was necessary.

As far as I know that plans are/were to have my son go directly into a shelter out there. So switching one shelter for another? Then I guess work on getting him into his own place since this is what he wants. Well it's what he says he wants. He knows full well that once he gets there he can say no to any form of assisted living and that if he does that then he will end up with Nana. The ideal situation for him. He doesn't have to care about anyone except himself. He doesn't have to try to be sober and stable. To be blunt, he doesn't have to try period. He will get his pat on the head while someone else cleans up after him and protects him from himself.

The rant. Can you see my son living on his own?! He can't even keep himself stable when he is living somewhere that is feeding him and providing him with basic amenities. Yet that is what him and his grandmother seem to be concocting between the two of them. Unless he is telling her that he will go into a group home out there. If that is the case and it is being believed I can only shake my head some more.

My son, in my opinion, needs several basic things. Mainly he needs long-term treatment for addiction. By long-term I'm thinking 3-6 months to start. He needs help from non-family, so he can't use and manipulate them, to help him become stable, stay stable and learn to mature and grow up. Until he gets these things. Everything else is just prolonging everyone's suffering, including and especially his own.

My son isn't stupid by no means. When I had the police take him, one of them went with him to his room to collect his things. My son was very drunk. Not as drunk as I thought. He made sure to disconnect, unplug and turn off the laptop so that I couldn't have access to it. Before leaving he wanted my phone to call his Nana. I know some may think: Well yes she is the one he knows will support him. Hmm. The one that will support him or enable him. There is a big difference.

Honestly he has support coming out his.... ;) Agencies and people just waiting for him to give the go ahead and they will be right there. PACT has peer support, group support and vocational (job) support. ADAPT has addiction support. Applications have been started for housing. He has an open file at the YMCA for free schooling at his own pace. My son is 21 and says no thank you...

He also has me and my husband. Apparently I expect too much. Expecting Michael to follow basic rules that a 5 year old can follow, clean up after himself, treat me with respect, not be violent, try to be medication compliant and engage is addiction services is apparently too  much for him. How do you respond to that? Seriously if he is that bad off then he really should be in the hospital with 24/7 care not traipsing on a plane across the country!

Where we are at now is not new. He has been here before. He has played the system, played and manipulated emotions until he got what he wanted. Freedom from responsibility, stability or sobriety.

Do you think he doesn't know that if he doesn't participate in recovery plans here that in time he will get what he wants? Of course he does. Like I said he isn't stupid.

Something I had too look at and acknowledge was/is that his masturbation episodes are tied into his alcohol use and not his schizophrenia so yes it is more behavioral. I didn't know until I found out about him calling dial-a-bottle that he was during the time of his masturbating frequently and in public, drinking almost a bottle of alcohol a day. I also found out that one of the ladies at the shelter caught him doing this in public and had to talk to him about it. I didn't tell her that I knew that he had purchased a bottle of alcohol since being there. Just like I didn't tell them that I'm pretty sure he probably has marijuana on him. Maybe that is why he bolts when expected to shower and change cloths? He keeps his jacket on and close to him when he is hiding stuff.

There is also the distinct possibility that if he gets himself kicked out of there then in steps his safety net. I may not be actively stopping this from happening however I'm certainly not going to help it happen.

Of all the blogs that I read. Jagged Little Edges is without a doubt one of my favorites. Lorelie doesn't hold any punches on what addiction is and the truth of it's ugliness is spelled out in black and white. Lorelie's last blog post: Loving An Addict Means Saying No.

A lot of Lorelie's posts are also highlighted on: Addiction Campuses

I know there are a lot of families who struggle with concurrent disorders of addiction and mental illness. I only speak for what I see with my son. He doesn't use to self-medicate symptoms. He uses/drinks to feed/satisfy his addictions. It's doing this that triggers his schizophrenia and causes the rebound affect. Also my son doesn't want to medication his symptoms. He very much enjoys his psychosis when he is in it. Probably another reason why he didn't want to take his medications yesterday. Why mess with his high? I have been around addiction enough to recognize that mind-set. I have been there. Don't eat too much before doing this drug or you will lessen the high...

I did tell the lady at the shelter that my son was psychotic and needed his medications so hopefully they were a little more attentive last night about 'reminding him' to take them. It's not a part of their duties and they get busy. Not sure I buy that. The other shelter had less staff and they did more. They followed up on medications. They searched more for drugs etc. being brought in. I know because I watched them do it. Too bad it was in such a horrible neighborhood. I have yet to see this shelter search anyone including my son. The lady asked what the signs were of my son's psychosis. To me it's obvious but I'm mom and have looked at his face for signs for years now. I asked if she knew what high looks like? What extreme exhaustion looks like? Combine them and you have my son's current face. Again I left out that he was most likely high... Really in the end it was the psychosis I'm trying to nip in the butt before something negative happens and high or not high he would still look pretty much the same from psychosis.

My appointment with ADAPT last week got rescheduled to the 18th of August. Today is a civic holiday here in Ontario, Canada so I'm not working! Hubby is :(. My work schedule has changed. Now I'm 12-6:30 Mon-Fri and I think 10:30-2 on Sunday. So 6 days a week and more hours. I may see if I can switch from Sunday to Saturday as Sunday is the one day I can pretty much count on hubby not working. The hours are being split between me and another lady. I got paid! I needed it to help cover rent due to what I had to give to Michael. I got my hair cut yesterday. Pretty short. I guess it's a bob? shorter at the back and long around the face. It feels good. I haven't had a cigarette in 6 weeks! I'm not sure how long it's been for hubby. I think 3 weeks. My homemade protein bars were a hit. We both like them. Have to make more today. I may even get back on my stepper today and do some exercise.

The above things make me happy. Certainly not the situation that my son is in or the fact that I have to fight so hard to try and get him the treatment that he needs.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Mocktails and an empty nest

Yesterday I tried making a mocktail, a non-alcoholic version of a typically alcoholic beverage. Of course in my typical fashion of not thinking ahead and just going with an idea, I had no ice... Still hubby and I enjoyed a virgin pina-colada. There is now an ice cube tray in the freezer :)

It's been awhile since hubby and I went alcohol free. It's certainly a different life style. One that can have an impact even though you don't realize it. There is no going for a drink with the boys after work. No hanging out to have a beer. No weekend cocktails and cards. But see that is where I am trying to make the change. Yes we can have weekend mocktails and we can enjoy them in the backyard and we can try to learn to do the things that we did while drinking, sober.

I can't say I particularly enjoyed playing darts but I played. My hubby and his brother enjoyed playing... or they enjoyed drinking with something to do while doing it ;). I want us to enjoy playing darts. I want summer evenings in the backyard.

I noticed something one day last week when hubby and I sat down for dinner. We have been together for almost 5 years yet we have had little time with just the 2 of us. There is usually someone else there or even if they aren't right there, around. Now it's just us. It's a good thing. Not that I'm expecting it to last forever.

I did go see my doctor last Monday. I totally forgot to ask for blood work to be done or to discuss my weight. I did weigh myself while there and I'm not losing anymore, in fact, I'm slowly gaining so I will see how it goes now that some other things are back on track. I got my Venlafaxine refilled. I'm back on my tinctures for my menopause. I am now quitting smoking with just the lozenges once or twice a day. Every time I put on a patch, even the lowest dosage, all if it came flooding back. Ears ringing, dizziness, heart pounding... My doctor said it certainly sounded like the patch was causing it and that if I find wearing it too much then I can't use them. Like I told hubby last night, I guess I had better make this time the last time quitting as I'm running out of options on quit-smoking aids.

The dizziness is still there. Not sure what is causing it. I'm wondering if I'm not eating enough. It's not nearly as bad as it was. Part of it could be being back on my medication and readjusting. I will give it some time. I have to make a follow up appointment before I can get my antidepressants refilled so if I'm still experiencing dizziness etc than I will request some blood work and my female exam.

Work is going good. I worked this Sunday as my boss wanted to see if we would get a good response. I did contact those who asked to be called on Sunday or people that I was having trouble getting a hold of during the week due to working. I haven't gotten paid yet which I'm hoping will happen soon.

Last Monday my son called to tell me that he contacted disability and it was too late for them to adjust this payment so the normal room and board amount would come to me and that I owe him back half of it. I owe him... So yeah... I usually put that payment towards half of the rent.

My son has called here and there. Every time to ask for something. Can we go camping (he is supposed to be paying for this). Can I take him to the grocery store for treats. Can I loan him money for cigarettes and take it out of the money I owe him. He already owes me for a carton of smokes. Yesterday he called saying he really wanted a cigarette. I don't smoke anymore so no sympathy from me for that.

In fact I told him that I'm not going to feel sorry for him. He's getting enough of that already. Whenever I point out to him why he is where he is, he ends the call. That isn't schizophrenia. He knows what happened and doesn't want to take responsibility for his choices. This is the closest he has come to being held responsible.

As always.. what to do... I don't know. I can buy him things now and by the time I get the payment there will be little money left to give him. IF he is getting a plane ticket...

Amazing sometimes how little some things change. He won't accept the right kind of help here if he has the opportunity to run away again. I guess time will tell what is happening there because I don't know what his plans are.

Today I'm planning to try a recipe for granola bars. I'm hoping to find a healthier snack for hubby at work. I might also try finding a recipe I can work with for a multi-grain bread.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Ashes! Ashes! We all fall down.

I don't have a lot of time before I start work however I felt like doing a quick blog post.

I think I have referenced the above nursery rhyme before. Sadly it's one of those cycles that we/I seem to keep getting caught in. I keep saying that I don't want to play this game anymore. It seems the only way I can make that happen is to quite literally remove myself or as I did on Wednesday, remove my son.

He did end up going to the liquor store and got 4 bottles of alcohol. A nice variety: vodka, southern comfort, fireball whiskey and sour puss liquor. I had no idea. I began to get an idea however when I asked him to clean up his mess in the kitchen and got threatened with being hit and he tossed his candy all over the kitchen counter and floor. A little while later I looked into the back yard and he was lying there with an almost empty bottle of sour suss beside him. That got tossed right away. He didn't seem concerned about it. Why would he be? He had 3 more bottles to go.

I sat at my desk and asked myself if I was prepared and willing to do what I wanted to do next. Yes. I called the police. Like I explained to the lady on the phone, I really didn't feel like I had many, if any, options left. At the rate he was going there was a big chance I would be calling the police soon if not that day anyways and the outcome probably wouldn't have been very pretty.

They attended. One of them was periodically an idiot in my opinion. When I told him that there was open alcohol stashed on the grounds he didn't seem that interested in doing anything about it. Or should I say motivated to actually walk his ass anywhere to find it. There was kids around playing. I let him know that if a kid got into it then it was on his head. I still don't get how it's not his job to enforce the law of no open alcohol in public or drinking in public. But hey...

My son at this point was quit intoxicated which was very clear by his face and speech. After I removed the sour puss, I'm guessing he went for the vodka since I still haven't found that bottle. He insisted on lying to me and the police when asked about the alcohol. By the way, I have the liquor store receipt from that morning which I found stashed behind his TV stand.

I stood there, looking at the officers, managing to hold my cool and my emotions, while they asked me what it is that I wanted them to do. Did I want him removed from the home. Since he wasn't at that moment being violent... Gotta love the system! Can't prevent violence only get involved once it happens. Call them back if he does get violent with me.

Of course my son is saying there is no more alcohol which was a lie. He is saying he is done drinking for now. I'm standing there... Thinking to myself I have done what I can do. I have asked anyone that I could think of to ask for advise on what I was supposed to do and handle this type of situation. It was up to me if I wanted to call in the police. Well I took that step and I stood behind it. I asked them to remove him from the home.

They did. I do believe he got charged a fine of some sort for being intoxicated in public then he was released to the shelter once he was sober enough I guess for them to accept him.

Now it's Friday and I have heard from him a couple of times. Asking for a ride to get smokes since he didn't want to spend all of his money on expensive cigarettes. Asking for money for a plane ticket back out to British Columbia. And of course there is the fact that I will owe him money at the end of the month when I receive the room and board portion of his disability payment.

Money, money, money...

I haven't heard from anyone else which tells me a lot. Having been through this as many times as I have been, the quieter it is and the less I'm hearing from people, pretty much tells me what I need to know.

My daughter called me on Wednesday asking what happened. I love her dearly but she can be pretty transparent. She has this way of asking... It's not her asking. I try really hard not to react because none of this is on her. Still it's hard when she wants to get in the middle when she has no idea what is going on or what I have been dealing with. She asked if I was prepared for him going back out there and commented that she guessed she was going to have to get another job. Isn't it awesome that an 19 year old is going to try to financially help take on the responsibility of 2 adults that are older then her.

My only response is for them to do whatever they feel is necessary. Please don't call me for money. I just sent her money because she said she didn't have money for personal hygiene products and cigarettes until pay day. It looks like I have some more boundary setting ahead of me.

Yesterday I had a shower that I actually enjoyed. I didn't even realize until I was in the shower that it's been months since I had a shower and relaxed in it. Always having my guard up, my listening ears on and making sure my purse or anything else of consequence was hopefully in a safe place.

I cleaned up the back yard. I have been avoiding it because my son has been treating it like a garbage can and I was constantly picking up garbage and cleaning up spit etc.

I have been going to bed and leaving my purse in the living room.

There is a part of me that is honestly reveling in the freedom of being able to enjoy and relax in my own home. I can breathe. Hubby and I can spend time in the living room together. We have been going to bed right after dinner lately because it was easier. I can work without worrying about paying attention to what my son was doing or having to stop to clean up his vomit or making sure he wasn't masturbating again out front. What can I say... Yes it feels good.

The mom in me however is make no mistake about it, heart-broken.

I just don't want to fall down anymore.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I'm alright.

Two blog posts in one week. Don't you feel lucky? ;)

I was talking to my son's case worker at PACT this morning and she asked me if I was alright then commented that I sound stronger then I ever have. Yes I am alright. As matter of fact I'm good for the first time in a long time.

I had my counselling session yesterday with ADAPT. We discussed my job and how I'm handling and balancing everything with my not smoking, my son, my hubby etc. I'm adjusting and settling into a good routine.

My son is a different story. He isn't adjusting. He isn't anything except digging himself deeper into alcohol and therefor schizophrenia.

I found out Monday morning that he had called dial-a-bottle to deliver his alcohol. He did this last Thursday. So he was drinking alcohol in his room, hiding it from me, knowing that I had no clue because he hadn't gone anywhere on his bike. He got 3 bottles, which was gone by Monday morning. He also tried to call them early Monday morning.

He no longer has cell phone service. It's his phone but the service I was paying for. He came to me asking for it back that he wanted to call his Nana. I offered him my phone that he can use that whenever he wants. Did he want my phone to call her? His answer was no. Of course not. He really didn't want it for that reason. He wanted it back to call dial-a-bottle.

I'm not sure why he hasn't gone to the liquor store on his bike yet. He has had money since Monday. He received a direct deposit from the government for around $300. He also discovered money from them on Thursday that he didn't tell me about since it was used for alcohol that he was hiding from me. I'm questioning if the liquor store has refused to serve him. He says no.

I tried talking to him this morning about him going to an addiction treatment center. He doesn't have a problem and it's not impacting his life... The only problem is my problem. My problem is with all my house rules being broken and not being shown any respect.

I called his case worker to find out where his applications for housing are at.

As time goes by and reach new steps in acceptance than I'm more and more reaching a point where I have to acknowledge that I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. The more I give the more I'm cushioning him from the consequences of his own actions.

However I guess what it really boils down to is where I'm at. I'm in counselling for myself. I have quit smoking. I am now working. Hubby just quit smoking too. He also started a new medication to help with some side affects from his other medications. We are trying to build a life. A good life. A healthy life.

I know my boundaries and I know what is good for me and what isn't. I keep letting them slip and get pushed aside because he is my son and I love him. As I act from a place of love, he acts from a place of addiction. Of self-centered I want and I should be able to have because I want...

Okay...

I'm ready for the next step. I'm ready to accept the consequences of the choices I want to make for my life because I want a better life and I deserve a better life. If my son wants the life that he is choosing then all I can say at this point is ok. Go and get it.

I thought I had more time to write this blog however someone regarding work called and now I have to start work in 10 minutes.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

A right of passage

Thought I would give a quick update...

Not a lot has changed over the past week. Getting more comfortable with the job and fitting myself into the schedule my boss wants me on. In my opinion the hours are... Well they are broken up throughout the day. Monday to Friday he wants 11:30 - 1, 4:30 - 6 then 8-10. Friday's 11:30 - 2 and Saturday's 9-1. The 8-10 shift is a no go for me. I'm not giving up what little time hubby and I have together during the week and once I get my son back on a sensible sleep schedule than 8 is our bedtime ;). There is also fact that I'm pretty sure calling after 9 PM is legally not a go. I don't get calling at 9 AM on a Saturday and not at 9 AM during the week when it's expected that people be up. Aside from that I'm booking appointments and have submitted my first invoice. So hopefully I will be seeing some money soon!

On July 6 my son's nurse was here for his weekly visit. Like I told his psychiatrist who was here the following day, I think I held it together pretty good. When I told his nurse about his excessive, not in private, out in public masturbating... His response was that since my son didn't have a girlfriend that masturbating was a right of passage and that him doing it out on the front veranda was behavioral. *pats self on back* for not losing it ;).

They drop of his medications every Friday in a blister pack (medications are in pop-out boxes for each day). Which I think is ridiculous and have told them several times it's not necessary but the PACT team insists on it. I guess they like it because when they visit they can see if patients/clients are taking their medications. Since my son doesn't get himself his meds, I do it, it's pointless. A waste of the pharmacists time and resources (and I think costs the government more money) and means every week someone has to come here on Friday instead of just giving me a months supply in a bottle. Anyways... Because I'm apparently not using the blister pack properly (haha) which means not starting the new pack on Friday when they bring it and instead using up the remainder of the previous blister pack, then his nurse couldn't understand what days medications he had missed. For clarification the blister packs have 7 days. Monday to Sunday. So I start a new one on Monday. Confusing right? His nurse thought so. So when I showed him that my son had missed taking his meds on Tuesday and Thursday, he decided that my son had missed 2 days in a row. Sometimes there is just no point in carrying on a conversation...

He did however set up an appointment for Michael's psychiatrist to come here the next day. I filled him. Let him know that even though I appreciate how his nurse is with Michael and that in that regard he is doing very good, that he doesn't take my concerns seriously or listen to me very well. His psychiatrist makes decisions based on the feedback from the other team members and when that feedback isn't relayed properly then I tend to get a bit upset. It's certainly not the first time I have dealt with this. His first nurse with PACT was bad for that too. She blamed almost everything on behavior. I asked his psychiatrist what to do when this happens. Call in and make an appointment with him.

We discussed medication options and decided to add back the Lithium. *shakes head* I have off and on been suggesting this since he was in the shelter in February. I asked for clarification on who I am thinking about my son's behaviors and if I was completely off track. It's a bit of both I guess. On one hand yes some things are behavioral and I can acknowledge that. Punching and kicking my door, behavioral. Insisting on smoking in his room, behavioral. Not knowing that it is inappropriate to masturbate in front of your mother or out in public because one can't see past the urge to do it, not so much. His psychiatrist agreed that this behavior is not normal even for him and he isn't doing it just to piss me off. The problem though is that upping medications will not necessarily correct this. Upping his Invega could cause the opposite affect of what we are looking for and make his negative symptoms worse. I can understand that. Adding the Lithium back should increase the effectiveness of his Invega and hopefully help with his negative symptoms. I think Lithium tends to act like an antidepressant with Michael whereas actual antidepressants do him no good. Why would they? In the bigger picture he is not depressed. He is experiencing negative symptoms which is different.

The Lithium was dropped off on Wednesday. Of course he missed his medications on Thursday due to alcohol. If anyone thinks that alcohol is harmless... Come see what I see. It's far from harmless for my son. It's keeping him unstable and robbing him of a future. Hopefully we have a 3 week break from it and I can work on getting him started on some sort of stability.

He has his days and nights mixed up again. I'm reminding him several times throughout the night to take his pills however he isn't taking them until morning and then sleeping. If it happens again tonight I think I may just let him miss them and try to start fresh tomorrow night.

As for the smoking in his room. It's a constant battle. Thursday night I found his whiskey bottle in his room. His psychiatrist agreed with me that Michael most likely has ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and sadly trying to discipline around and keep the appropriate boundaries is even more important due to the ODD. You let one slip and they all go. The mess he is making of his bedroom floor :(. They are shellacked and he throws his cigarettes on them when I walk into his room so I won't see it. Oh yes... According to him he is accidentally smoking in his room. Haha. Because you accidentally close your bedroom door, light an incense to cover up the smell and find something to use for an ashtray. Sometimes that is his garbage can with liquids thrown in it. I have removed his garbage can. He doesn't use it for actual garbage anyways. I have tapped a note to the top of the stairs that says 'no smoking, leave your smokes downstairs' and another one to his bedroom door. At least he can't pretend like he doesn't know the rule :).

The last day or so it's cigarettes... I have warned him and warned him that I'm quit and I'm not supplying him with cigarettes. He knew this when hubby took him to get cigarettes. He got 2 cartons which he now doesn't like. Where we go you can actually smoke in the store and you can try every kind of cigarette that they have to see if you like them. He tried them. I'm guessing he was more concerned with getting the cheaper ones so that he had money for alcohol. His choice. I also gave him the cigarettes that we had gotten for him from before which was another 4 packs. Yesterday he wanted me to buy him a couple of packs with the extra money he is giving me. He isn't giving me any money. Disability is sending me MY portion of his payments. I didn't respond to this comment at all. Then it was can he have a pack of hubby's. Hubby doesn't keep his cigarettes in the home anymore and he wasn't home yesterday. Kinda sad that we can't even keep our own things in our own home. Hubby is also quitting. We just got him patches too. So Michael I'm afraid is going to be shit out'a luck in the smoking department. The kicker though is that he does have cigarettes. He just doesn't like them.

So today is my day off! Yeah! I have to finish the laundry I started yesterday evening. I really need to clean the floors as Michael has spelt pretty much everything, everywhere. I need to wash his blankets too. Still haven't gotten him in the shower :(. He did have a bath on Monday night however that had more do with him liking being in the bathtub when he is drunk. God I hate alcohol!

I guess that wasn't a quick update after all. :)

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

You've lost your muchness.

One of my favorite movies is Alice in Wonderland.



The above quote came to mind last night when I was lying in bed listening to my son on the phone with his Nana doing his usual venting/lying.

On Friday when his case worker dropped off his medications; no change... She wasn't there for the team meeting so she doesn't know what was said other then his nurse told her that he would talk to me about the fact that there was no change. I let her know what was happening and she said she would try to find out what was going on.

That afternoon I spent a long time with my son rubbing his back and talking to him. I had decided to order pizza for dinner and he wanted me to get larges so that he could have left-overs. I agreed. About 20 minutes later I walk into his room to ask him what he wanted on one of the pizzas and he was smoking... He told me that I needed to prove to him why he wasn't allowed to smoke in his room since he pays for it. *sigh* Yes he pays for the privilege of using it. Just like I pay rent for the privilege of using this townhouse. It's still not my townhouse. Again I remind him that his cigarettes need to stay downstairs.

What happened next I won't say as even though I blog I still don't think disclosing what he was doing is appropriate. I will just say that it was gross and he was doing it for about 15 minutes in the living room. Numerous times I asked him to stop. I asked him to take it to his room. I asked him to wash his hands. He refused to do any of it. Laughed at me when I got mad.

Yes I took away his cigarettes. I ask so little from him and give so much. I went upstairs. A little while later he comes up stating that he had washed his hands, can he have his smokes back, that he was only scratching his penis. He didn't say it so nicely to me. Also as far as I can tell he certainly hadn't washed his hands. I told him no, that he knows full well what he was doing. He punched my bedroom door twice, called me a bitch and told me to fuck off. Thankfully he walked away after that as I wasn't sure for a minute if I was going to have to call 911, which I didn't want to do.

Friday night I asked hubby to sleep in my/our bed so that I could take a sleeping pill. He agreed but then went to his own bed. *sigh* Wasn't much I could so since I had already taken it. If my son was up to no good that night then I wouldn't know.

Yesterday was pretty quiet. Once my son asked me to explain what he did wrong... Honestly he knows and was doing his normal manipulation of details to suite himself. I said I wasn't going to discuss it and reminded him that he had punched my door twice etc. He said that I deserved it. He can try to pretend/play like none of that happened with his Nana but he knows full well what he did and the difference between how he talks to me about it and how he talks to her about it is a dead give away that he knows and remembers exactly what he did. Telling her the truth wouldn't get him the same sympathy... meaning money as that is what he is looking for.

On a side not to all this. I still included him on ordering the pizza and he got to pick the makings of one large. He also got onion rings. As for the cigarettes. He is still not without nicotine. He has his vaporizer that his aunt got him for his birthday with 3 bottles of e-liquid and one of them contains nicotine. Upstairs sometimes overwhelming smells of him using it along with this incense kick that he has been on lately. The incense I'm pretty sure started to cover up the smell of cigarette smoke.

Last night when I heard him on the phone... I think a part of me broke. I just felt like crying. I just don't know what else to do. Sure I can give in to him smoking in his room. To what end? Do I next give in to him masturbating and other things in the living room? I give into that then it will be drinking... It will never stop until he is smoking, drinking & using in his room, being a complete slob, off his meds and psychotic.

Either way it's not a life I'm willing to live or have in my home.

I still haven't gotten over my withdrawal from schizophrenia related sites that started in May. I try. I log into the forum almost every morning and check for moderator related flags but the thought of reading and catching up... My Facebook page is suffering. I have not been participating or giving much support in any of the Facebook groups that I'm in. I try to read the posts but reading about more parents and caregivers going through their hell just makes me feel sick. I'm trying so hard to keep myself positive and distance myself from the negative that I can't read too much from others to even give them support.

The other day I responded to a tweet by Coach Amy White of the blog Far From Paradise. She asked what being a caregiver has taught us. My response: It's taught me that I'm stronger then I thought I was and weaker then I though I was.

If you had asked me in 2012 if I had it in me to deal with all that we have been through since, I'm sure I would have looked completely shocked and if I had known what was to come... Maybe I wouldn't have stayed at home and brought him home. But then again, he's my son and I love him and even if I didn't think I had it in me I'm sure I would have done exactly what I did. Knowing what I know now... Yes I would do it all again. So yes I found more strength than I knew that I had.

I have also found weakness. Times like now and the past couple of weeks where I just can't seem to find the fight anymore. I'm sure it's buried deep down somewhere as I always seem to find it.

Imagine where I would be without my antidepressant? ;) I'm tired. Mentally tired. I'm at a lose.

Yes I've lost my muchness... I'm off. Back to my Facebook games where I don't have to think of mental illness. Where the flowers are beautiful and things are made from magic.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Excuse me while this snob cleans your room.

The last couple of days and certainly last night and this morning are not going to good. After my last blog post Michael did start taking his Olanzapine again so only missed the one night. The week ended and the weekend was quiet.

Monday when his nurse arrived I brought up that my son had agreed to try upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg as we had discussed it and he agreed. Or so I thought... We had not discussed upping the Invega to replace him coming off the Olanzapine however that seems to be what his intentions were. His nurse said that he would discuss it with his treatment team.

Michael had also brought up to me wanting to try using vitamins. I cautioned him that this can work for some however not everyone and that for the people it do work for, they take lots of supplements sometimes several times a day. Also he needs to be on them for at least several months for the levels to build up in his system before even thinking about reducing medications to see if it will work. For one day he took all the supplements I gave him. The next day refused the Omega 3, a really important one if this is going to work, and nothing since that.

As of Tuesday things have been going down hill again.

I have no idea what prompted it however he didn't take his Invega or Olanzapine on Tuesday night and was up all night. I can't tell you exactly what he was up to other then some odd stuff.

In the middle of the night, one of the times that I got up to check on him, he was totally naked and acting guilty. I didn't really register this until I was back in bed. I reminded him about his pills and left it at that.

Wednesday morning he was lying on the sofa covered up with his blanket. I won't go into detail other then based on the sounds I was hearing and how he was lying... I'm pretty sure he was masturbating. Several times I 'interrupted' him and finally told him if he was going to keep doing it that he needed to go to his room. Off he went.

Later that morning I went into his room to clean as it was getting ridiculous in there. Even though I hadn't caught him again it was obvious he was smoking in there as there was more and more ashes and tobacco all over where he was putting them out on lord knows what since he had no ashtray. The first things I noticed was that he had sometime during the night grabbed the hammer and the knife sharpener. No I don't know why and he wouldn't tell me. I moved a box to clean and behind it was cigarette butts and his Olanzapine. So that is where he was stashing what he didn't want me to find.

I took the hammer, knife sharpener and Olanzapine downstairs and calmly asked him what he was doing with the hammer and knife sharpener. Like I said, he wouldn't tell. Just said the he thought he might need them for something. Then I asked him if we were back to him hiding his pills from me. His response was to tell me to stop being such a snob and that I had no right to yell at him or give him attitude for not taking his Olanzapine. One, I wasn't yelling and two, the point was that he hid them from me not that he didn't take them and three, he was still smoking in his room and lying to me about it.

I went back up to continue cleaning and vacuuming his room. Under his table I found his Invega. He says he didn't take them because he didn't sleep. They are no longer sedating for him so that is not logical. They do however slow his mind down so that he can sleep. Anyways this logic made sense to him :). I asked him for his cigarettes as they need to stay downstairs since I can't trust him. He handed them over then out of the blue told me dinner the night before was disgusting (it wasn't). No worries I won't be making dinner tonight... I got told to fuck off.

I let him know that he just lost his cigarettes (hubby bought them). A little while later I noticed that he was going outside and leaving the yard. Red flag. I went upstairs and checked and sure enough he had gone into my closet and grabbed a pack of smokes. I asked for them back... got called a bitch so I disconnected the internet.

We didn't talk much the rest of the day ;). Somewhat later he asked me what was for dinner. Before you think that he was psychotic or whatnot and didn't remember what had happened, he did. He was very much aware of what he said to me and it wasn't said spur of the moment. It was said on purpose. I told him whatever he made for himself. Hubby and I went out... He made himself noodles.

After we returned my son asked to talk. Stating it wasn't his fault that it was because he didn't take his pills and was up all night. If he took his pills that night could he have his cigarettes back. It wasn't my fault that he didn't take his pills either and I don't deserve to be talked to like that. I told him I wasn't going to negotiate with him about taking his pills. He needs to take them because he needs to take them and no he wasn't getting his cigarettes back that day.

He took his pills :), went to sleep early and as far as I know slept through the night. Yesterday morning I gave him a pack of cigarettes. We had a short conversation about what happened and he acknowledged that I didn't yell at him and that he guesses he needs to take his pills for now. My first thoughts were: Yeah, some insight. No... He was just saying what he thought I needed to hear.

At dinner time he asked for the internet back. I agreed however let him know that moving forward he was going to be losing it for longer for swearing at me so forewarned.

Last night he asked me to rub his back. He started talking about his Olanzapine being poison so he wouldn't take it. Took the Invega. Delusional talk about forcing his body to sweat was building up muscle and made up words stating that he had learned in chemistry in school. I did chemistry for three years and I don't recall that word. Well I went to school in Newfoundland and that place is... hmm I forget the word he used but not a nice one. For starters I also went to high school in Ontario and Newfoundland however surprising it may seem (Canadians will understand the reference) had a much harder curriculum. I told him that I thought he was being delusional, that he wasn't making sense to me and went to bed.

Several time between 9 and 3:30 I checked on him and kept reminding him to take his Olanzapine. By 3:30 he started asking for cigarettes and banging on walls. His bedroom wall is also my husband's bedroom wall (remember he has his own room for sleeping) and it was waking me up in my room. Once I gave him a cigarette then told him no because he will be out of cigarettes by noon if I gave him a pack them. 3:30 he stating he was going to make coffee...

Hubby was nice this morning and fed Gucci (our cat) so she wasn't doing her usual head-butting. I got to sleep in until 6 (if you can call being constantly woken up, sleeping in) when Michael came in and got me up asking for his cigarettes. I gave him a pack. As I'm walking down the stairs I'm noticing finger prints and smudges all over the walls. Same in his room even though I had washed the smudges off on Wednesday. Now two of his bedroom walls are full of them again. He says it's from him punching the walls and skin coming off. I did find his empty Olanzapine wrapper so I'm guessing he did finally take it sometime between 3:30 and 6.

As I was walking down the stairs he said that he wanted to talk to me about something. I'm pretty sure it's about either money or most likely marijuana as yesterday he told me that he hasn't been happy for over a year now so he should be able to smoke some now can we discuss it. No we cannot. No amount of sympathy gaining/manipulation is going to make me agree to marijuana. Anyways I just told him this morning that whatever it is he wants to talk about is going to have to wait because I just got up and I would like some coffee.

A little later he sits in the living room. He knows that his bothers me. He puts his feet on the coffee table, usually with shoes on (like this morning) and bounces his legs/feet. So the coffee table is making a racket, the floor is vibrating and I haven't even finished my first cup of coffee. After several times telling him to stop it he finally went to his room. Of course he is up there making a racket that he says he isn't.

I guess it's a combination of his ADHD and schizophrenia that when he gets a bit unstable he becomes very loud physically. He doesn't walk, he stomps. He doesn't sit, he drops/plunks onto furniture. He isn't gentle with anything that he touches or uses.

I guess that good thing I can try to take away from this is having a better idea of where his stability is at (or not at). If missing one dose of medications is going to have this affect than it's good to know. Although there is something else that I have been pondering and didn't mention. I guess it was two weekends ago when hubby and my son got their hair cut. Well while at the barber we ran into his 'friend' from across the hall at the old apartment. Hubby and I tried to keep an eye on them talking just in case there was an exchange of any type (marijuana). We didn't see anything and I have been trying not to over think it however he has been starting to slip since shortly after that. Combine this with some of the guilty behavior that I have been seeing like hiding his hands under the blanket when I walk into his room when he isn't smoking cigarettes, him stating yesterday that he must have been going through withdrawal or something... has me wondering. He has been keeping his hoodies on and it's not hot in here which used to be a red flag for him having stuff on him. I have checked them when I can and haven't found anything however that doesn't mean anything. Throw in Michael now asking me about letting him smoke it when that hasn't been brought up in a long time... Oh well.

*fingers crossed* that when/if his case worker from PACT drops off his medications today that his Invega has been upped. I'm not counting on it but it would be nice. Oh yeah... He missed group on Wednesday which sucks as it was strawberry picking.

On a good note, I might have a job! Talked to a lady yesterday and went over what the position is. Basically inside sales, from home. Something a little new to me although I do have some knowledgeable of the concept, requirements and expectations since I did work for a recruiting firm for over 9 years.

I did quit smoking on Sunday. So far, so good. Wednesday was a bit of a test ;). The patches are really helping so I'm rarely getting cravings. When I do then I also have lozenges which I'm using about 3 times a day. Like now :).

My goal today. Getting my son in the shower. It's been weeks and it's been a bit since I washed him. Also the last shower he did have, didn't help much. The big question: How to accomplish this?

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Rockin' the Boat, A Mustang & Several Cans of Worms.

Yesterday I had such a great day! Seriously it was all good. Tuesday I got hit with major sedation from my antidepressants. I'm guessing due to it having build up in my system. Yesterday I woke up with the urge to do things... By 9 AM I was already thinking about the things I wanted to make/bake. I made beef jerky, cookies, bread, cheese crackers and tried a new rice recipe for dinner. Cleaned the fridge and did some rearranging in the kitchen. Monday I spent several hours vacuuming and de-cob-webbing our unfinished basement. I knew then that my antidepressants were doing their thing ;).

Last night my son decided to throw a wrench in things. Out of the blue he doesn't need/want his Olanzapine. It's time to try and go off them... Because barely a month of regaining some stability is long enough, I guess.

I'm sitting here trying really hard not to be pissed. For the past 3-4 weeks both myself and my hubby have been nothing but supportive and understanding. I have been patiently cleaning up his messes. Spending quality time with him doing things like messaging and scratching his back, brushing his hair, filing his nails, cuddling and even flossing his teeth. Yup you read that right. His teeth are mess. When the ashtray in the back yard, that is only 3 feet away from him, is to far away; that's ok, I take it too him. I have picking up his garbage, hosing down the yard due to his spitting... What do I ask for in return? Not very much. Perhaps that is the problem. I have been expecting way too little. In my quest to be understanding I am making things way to easy for him, again.

In my last blog post I mentioned him smoking in his room. Another thing that I have been very patient about. I have not yelled at him. I have said very little actually unless I catch him doing it. I have been keeping an eye out and finding what he uses for ashtrays when I can so that I can 'remind him' that there is no smoking in his room. A couple of times I have found the cups or containers that he uses and have removed them. For the past couple of days I haven't been able to find anything. Smart little bugger he is... He forgot this morning to put the lid back on the peanut can that he has been using. The one I thought was full of peanuts. It was full of cigarette butts.

Last weekend hubby got my son another carton of cigarettes as he has gone through 3 cartoons in just over 2 weeks. Of course smoking in his room means that he is smoking even more.

My son agreed last night to take his Olanzapine this morning... Yes as I'm sure you guessed, so far that has not happened. After I found the 'peanut can', I was thinking to myself: 'Do I really want to rock the boat and bring it up?'; as I didn't want to trigger his ODD defiance and cause him to not take the Olanzapine. Honestly what am I thinking... I'm not triggering his ODD. I'm not rockin' the boat... He is. I'm the one 'walking on eggshells' to not rock it and to what end?

I let him know this morning that if he isn't going to take the Olanzapine then he needs to call his nurse and let him know and discuss upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg. Can I do it for him since I'm the one that seems to have a problem with this. Yes I absolutely have a problem with him going into psychosis, losing touch with reality and possibly one of us getting hurt. I can't hold him accountable for symptoms that he has no control over however he can be accountable for making choices that are going to cause a re-emergence of these symptoms. If he is going to make these decisions then he needs to be responsible for them and letting his treatment team know.

I also put away the rest of the carton of cigarettes that my hubby just got and let him know that I will give him a pack a day and they need to stay downstairs, not in his bedroom. Enough is enough. If hubby and I can smoke outside or in the basement then Michael can too and he is just going to have to figure that one out. I wonder how many times I have typed 'enough is enough'. Probably not enough ;) and certainly I need to have better follow through on these things or my son will just continue to break the rules with no consequences.

Ah yes the mustang. Hubby seems to be going through a phase. I feel a bit bad. I know how much he wants one and I won't tell him that he can't have one. He is the one earning a pay check after all. We did take one out for a test drive...

I'm not much for knowing about cars... She does look and sound nice though. Certainly suits hubby. It doesn't suit anything else though. The back seat was very cramped and he would lose a lot of functionality in the front as well. If it was just hubby and I, there would have been zero questions and we probably would have purchased it.

Hubby texted me this morning that one of the credit cards didn't work. I haven't been keeping close tabs on our accounts over the last week. Not that it would have mattered as some things came up that needed to be attended to. Hubby is now completely in debt in his name ;) Actually he has no more credit left and his bank account is in overdraft. Oops.

I hadn't heard from my daughter for a couple of days. Never a good thing. If she doesn't call me on the way to work, then she probably isn't working. She called me last night. She lost her painting job. That was coming and I'm surprised it took that long. She has issues with getting to work on time and having enough bus money to even get to work. She refuses to ask me for help unless it's absolutely necessary. Both hubby and I gave her some 'loving advice' on asking me for help. Regardless of where we are at financially we will gladly help her with getting a bus pass for the month. Same with getting to the doctor for a bladder infection that she has had for a long time now. She doesn't have money for the prescription. Get to the doctor and let me know how much it will cost. Good lord... She is struggling to be independent and to be strong. She is struggling to pay her rent, she is struggling to even take care of herself properly and she isn't succeeding. She needs to come home because she is taking on the responsibility of way to much and to many people where she is.

I meet with my worker at ADAPT on Tuesday. Still doing intake or background information. She asked me about complicated relationships. Haha! All of them! Some I have let go to the wayside as I really don't need them. Some are a little harder as I can't walk away from them. I have an idea of which ones play on me the most as they are the ones that my negative thoughts are on loop about and part of the reason I'm on Venlafaxine.  To stop that negative loop that I dislike and I seem to have little control over lately. There is no closure or resolution.

I'm grateful and already this lady has helped me on two occasions with helping me to see what I was missing. Once regarding my husband and on Tuesday. She commented that my feelings on one relationship seemed to be motivated by fear. I know that my anger is usually fueled by something else. Hurt feelings and betrayal are the normal culprits and still do play a part however I completely overlooked fear. She was right. Fear of the damage that it has caused and continues to cause, on occasion. Damage that I have so little control over. I can usually put things behind me however I'm having trouble with this one. To the point where I'm on guard because I feel I have to be or I could easily lose my cool again. I don't like doing that.

Last weekend hubby and I found a store that sells semi-permanent titanium or grey hair dye. I have been looking for silver but no luck so far. As I have been watching my grey slowly grow in, I have been liking it. Hubby says he likes it too. So I want to highlight it with grey. I would do it myself but I don't think I could manage seeing to pull my hair through every second row of the cap.

I think I'm going to try printing my resume and taking it over to the pet store that is just around the corner. I held off as my son was interested for all of what, 24 hours... I'm no way comfortable with the idea of working full time right now as my poor home would be in shambles but part-time. I was excited a couple of weeks ago about another work from home opportunity however after looking into some reviews it appeared to be mostly another scam where you pay a lot of fees with little to no guarantee of work.

Michael has been attending the group meetings through PACT for the past 3 weeks. Thought I would throw that in there!

My quit date for quitting smoking is this weekend. Wish me luck!

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

A little bit manic? ADAPT, Camping & Rules

To anyone that follows my blog regularly, my apologies for not writing...

I seem to still be struggling a bit with getting back into my grove and my social media with respect to mental illness. I upped my Venlafaxine on Saturday to what my family doctor wants me taking as I was noticing that my thoughts were going back to that negative loop where everything and anything that I'm not impressed with was auto-repeat in my head ;). It takes a couple of days for it to build up and by Wednesday the sedation kicked in and I ended up napping and going to bed early. So hopefully I can get back on track.

Hubby's family get together went well. Very well actually. I ended up reminding/telling my son that he had money as we were taking him to get cigarettes. I asked him to hold off on buying alcohol until after the family get together as I didn't want him being symptomatic while there. He agreed to wait. I know that he found it a bit tiresome but he said that he had a good time.

He didn't buy alcohol until later Monday afternoon. My bad... but I told him that the liquor store wasn't open on Sundays. I didn't think that it was. Hubby told me afterwards that it was open.

I'm guessing it was the alcohol that triggered it; he went a bit manic on Tuesday. Out of nowhere he was putting on jeans, grooming his beard and looking for his dress shoes. We had an interesting conversation about his teeth that day. Some delusional thinking in that he believed he was 'born' when he first started having memories around 3 or 4 and that he has grown new teeth 4 times. His ODD started to act up a little bit. When I didn't engage he said to me: Come on lets talk about this... Translation, come on lets argue ;). Sorry no. I told him that I thought he was being delusional, that I gave birth to him so I know when he was born, if he had teeth or not and that I wasn't going to continue this conversation. I walked away.

He went to his PACT group the following Wednesday which was golf. He participated and had fun. His new nurse from PACT has taken him out of the house for the past two Mondays. I think he is also pushing at PACT that Michael be more involved with the outings so it doesn't look like I have to question if he is on the list for Wednesday's groups anymore. Now his rides are just showing up. I think Monday's outing to the YMCA is being looked at as well. Last Wednesday was supposed to be a trail hike but due to rain they ended up going to the mall instead.

Camping last weekend went well. He said that he had fun. It's hard to tell sometimes. He looks like he is not really paying much attention to where he is yet he must be. Hubby and I stayed up until around 10 and Michael stayed up after that watching the fire ;). His reason for wanting to go camping is the fire. The store at the campsite sells little packets that causes the flames to go different colors which is kinda cool. We got 2 of them this time. Roasted some marshmallows. Hubby and I froze our butts off that night. Not quit warm enough at night yet...

I have had 2 appointments with ADAPT now. I will be meeting with my counselor once a week until she can get through my history. Also because I'm now a client of ADAPT then I'm able to participate in another program they have called 'STOP' which is for quitting smoking. I meet with a gentleman for that Wednesday morning and he gave me a months supply of patches and some lozenges. Now I just have to set my quit date. Because of my own past history with addiction I'm a little bit of both. I'm there as a family member of an addict but I'm also a recovering addict so I should be able to attend some of the programs for that as well.

Every Friday (today) they have a get together for addiction clients where people can talk about addiction, mental illness and how to have a better life. My son keeps asking if he can come to group with hubby and I and of course the answer is no. I reminded him of a youth thing that happens on Wednesday nights however I can't go to that one so he says no. He seemed open to the idea of going to today's session so we will see depending on the weather as it's supposed to downpour. Also I think his motivation may be the food court at the mall where ADAPT is and I can't keep handing money out to these things. Every group he wants money for McDonald's...

Wednesday hubby noticed that Michael seemed a bit edgy or cranky. A week without alcohol and he was/is probably experiencing some withdrawal symptoms. Being aware of this I didn't say anything that would play into that scenario. You know the one that has the addict pushing for a fight or argument so that they have a reason to drink or use ;). I can't say that I want to go through this every time my son gets money. It may not seem like much, however it's a constant cycle of him feeding his addiction then going through withdrawal when he has to go without. Sadly it's him that is suffering with withdrawal...

Hubby and I had group again last night. It was a repeat of the same theme as the last one we attended which was concurrent disorders: addiction and mental illness. Hubby seems to be getting a lot out of these groups. It's helping him to see/hear from others, other then just me. The group last night was through the Schizophrenia Society of Ontario (SSO) and they meet once a month at that location. I was sort of aware however I will make a bigger effort in the future to attend these.

I did speak to the lady from SSO for a minute about advocacy and other things. These are the items that SSO is currently working on: Policy and Advocacy

Rules... It came to our attention on Wednesday night, I think, that my son has started smoking in his bedroom. I totally missed the red flag of my son being in his room all night. Here I was thinking: Yah he's sleeping through the night. *face palm* I'm usually more on top of it then that but I guess between upping my antidepressants and my want to not see the negatives... I totally missed it until hubby commented that upstairs smelled like cigarette smoke.

Yesterday he was smoking while I was upstairs so I smelled it. Of course he lied to me. I gave him several chances to tell me the truth and finally had to go find the 'ashtray' and take it out of his room and tell him to go outside. Once outside I brought it up and of course got the: I pay for my room... I didn't respond right away, waited a bit then said to him that I didn't want it to be that every time I bring up something that he is doing that he isn't supposed to be doing that I have to deal with his ODD. He asked what ODD was? Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He says: I'm not being defiant, ok maybe I am but that's because you won't listen. Listen to what? You want to do what you want regardless of the rules because you think you should be able to. Yes you pay for the room however that still doesn't give you the right to smoke in it. If he rented a whole apartment that was non-smoking than he still isn't allowed to smoke in it. The world has rules.

I let him know that moving forward there would be consequences to him not following this rule. Several hours later it's easy to know that he is STILL smoking in his room as he hasn't gone outside for a smoke. I let him know that I'm backing off on giving him attention until he can learn to follow this rule. This may sound harsh however if I let this boundary slip then every other rule or boundary will go out the window with it.

In last night's group there was discussion on the 'slippery slope' of addiction. Well there are slippery slopes with boundaries as well. My son loves to push them and whenever I don't try to keep them then he pushes them all. He will even tell me: Well this is a rule and you let me so I figure this rule doesn't apply either. Typical ODD behavior which is why boundary setting is so important. Regardless of all this I don't want my home full of cigarette smoke, certainly not upstairs when it contributes to my headaches and guess what? It's my home too.

So awesomely today I have totally triggered his ODD ;) by taking his cigarettes out of his room and putting them in the basement. Not an easy tightrope to walk. Enforcing the boundary without allowing this to turn into something ugly so keeping my tone neutral and not reacting to his attitude which as the moment seems to be staring me down...

I'm off to make a coffee and harass my daughter, if I can, as she hasn't been getting to work on time. All I can do is keep calling her phone...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Aspirin for arthritis and fruit-flies.

I don't recall what day I found a bunch of these aspirin in my son's coat. I had no idea what they were until I showed them to my hubby and he grabbed his bottle of aspirin from the top of the fridge. They are over the counter but they are long acting that our doctor recommended he take daily to ward off the headaches he gets. Feeling relief that that was all they were I didn't think anything else of it. Friday I was cleaning the floor in my son's room and while moving around his make-shift coffee table I heard what I immediately figured was a bottle of vodka that he managed to get in the house and hide under the table. It was a bowl with crushed up white stuff and a rolled up piece of paper for snorting it.

My son received his disability money on Thursday. That day he got his vodka... I didn't say anything except to remind him that it doesn't come onto our property. He sat outside our gate and drank it. When hubby got off work we went to our chiropractor, to the bank and to a store for my son to buy tobacco since he has decided to roll cigarettes. He wasn't happy that it cost him $40 for his tub of tobacco. That night I gave him an Olanzapine with his Invega and he took it.

Friday had the makings of a bad day. He was outside drinking another bottle of vodka and hmmm, I'm really going to have to write down the name of the other bottle he gets, when I found the bowl in his room. I went out to ask him what it was. He told me aspirin.

I was somewhat impressed with myself as I didn't get mad or even upset. I was kind of amused as honestly what could you possible get out of snorting aspirin? I'm not even sure when the conversation took the negative turn that it did but it did. He told me that he was better then me. I replied that he wasn't better then me. Next thing I'm being called a bitch and a fat whore numerous times along with other swear words. I did my best to keep it light. Told him that no matter what he called me I was still going to love him and seriously look at me... Do I look like a fat whore? Apparently yes...

I was just thinking to meet this hate with love... I told him again that I loved him. He said prove it. I replied that I was still here and I knelt down. I was 3 feet away from him and I didn't get any closer. At this point I got told to get out of his face or he was going to smack me and knock me out. He said he wasn't threatening me... I again told him I loved him and walked away. Left him sitting out there, in the dirt, surrounded by 3 bottles (one from the day before) and cigarette butts. We were also back to the "I pay the rent around here and this is 35% my property."

I came inside and called PACT and talked to his new nurse. I think I was looking for some sort of assurance, not that I got any... If I felt unsafe... A year ago I didn't know what he was capable of. Although he is not in active psychosis right now. He is experiencing symptoms yes however he is aware of what he is saying. He is relatively stable. I was seeing an angry drunk... Really nothing new there as I have been seeing that all my life and sadly he does have it in his genes.

Perhaps not the best choice however one boundary I refuse to budge on is the consequences to swearing at me. I disconnected the internet. Went back to the cleaning I was doing. He comes downstairs and asks when he is going to get the internet back. Some how he has morphed what was said into me telling him that he wasn't better. Period. So therefor he was justified in talking to me the way that he did. I told him I wasn't going to discuss it right now. Another flood of name calling and swearing that ended with "Cook my dinner bitch."

I ignored him and went about my cleaning. I think he passed out for a bit...

Since then his defiance has been in high gear. About pretty much anything and everything. Friday his case worker dropped off his Latuda. He has been prescribed 80 mg. Apparently he was prescribed 60 mg however disability doesn't cover this dosage. Ridiculous isn't it? I think disability only recently started covering this medication. So his psychiatrist changed it to 80 as I think that may be the dose he was looking at eventually anyways. Average dosages seems to be between 40 and 160.

His nurse called on Saturday to check in and see if he took his Latuda. As far as I can tell he has been taking it. Since his defiance is in high gear he won't take his medications if he's alert and I'm watching him.

Hubby and I went grocery shopping without him on Saturday. He wasn't up when we left and honestly I'm not rewarding his behavior or attitude. We did bring him back a coffee since we had gotten ourselves one. He asked why I didn't get him up to go? Do you remember what you said to me yesterday? Yes... Well I'm not rewarding that. You got me a coffee. Yes, just because I'm not rewarding you doesn't mean I'm going to be rude either. Do you want the coffee? Give it to me... I started to walk in the house with it and told him he isn't going to get it by talking to me like that. He asked for it nicely so I gave it to him.

I had picked up some coloring books, crayons, pencil crayons and markers while shopping. A Thor book for him and two other ones for me. For a bit he colored in the Thor one. One of the ones I got is Care Bears. I used to love them when I was a kid :)

Remember the camping... He brings it up wanting to go... I told him not this weekend and we don't have money for it right now anyways. He says that I promised this month. No I didn't. I said I would look into it for this month. Well isn't saying it the same as promising? My son knows the difference in that very well as he usually won't promise anything. I just replied that no it wasn't the same and asked if he wanted to make everything into an argument? I think that he does...

I'm not sure why not however he hasn't been to the liquor store since Friday. He does still have enough money left for probably two trips of his usual. The next thing was asking me to take him to the grocery store for treats. I agreed to take him however he was paying for it. Well it's my job to feed him three meals a day and I'm not doing it so he is going to call his Nana and tell her I'm not buying him groceries... Our kitchen is quit full of food since we spend over $1200 a month on groceries. He made his phone call... We took him to the grocery store. He didn't get anything. I offered to take him to the dollar store as he can load up on treats there for cheap. He said no that he had better things to spend his money on like alcohol.

Again I will have to say how impressed I have been with hubby. I know he has a hard time dealing with seeing my son act like this however he is slowly seeing most of it for what it is. My son is having temper tantrums like a child except he is doing it with a 21 year old vocabulary and in a man's body which can be concerning when alcohol is added to the mix. Even my hubby has started getting stuff for my son when we are grocery shopping and he is not with us. Michael likes these...

In between all this my son is giving me a hard time about doing anything that I ask him to do. I have jars for the beef jerky that I make. Friday night I had one of them out and my son brought out the other two along with other snacks. Asking him to put this stuff away the next day... Yah that was fun. Well one of them was mine so therefore he shouldn't have to pick it up. I put mine away. He refused to put the other two away. Finally a day later I did...

Yesterday it was grapes that he took out. I asked if he was done with them could he put them away. He wasn't done with them yet... He did finally put them away and of course as is usual for my son he has to do these things when I'm in the kitchen in the middle of doing something. No excuse me's or anything... He pays the rent ;) You can see it in the way that he is walking around here and how he is looking at us. Pure defiance. We have been trying our best to ignore it and not give it any attention.

We have fruit-flies. I have been noticing them for a couple of days now. I have been trying to disinfect the kitchen and figure out where they are coming from. Yesterday I went around emptying all the garbages just in case. At least 30 of them came out of my son's garbage in his room when I grabbed it. Great! It's all the sweats and treats that he doesn't have ;) He has a big bag full of assorted treats in his room and his garbage was full of ice cream wrappers etc. I sprayed stuff down with Febreze but I'm going to have to get some Lysol I guess...

The last time he had a bath was on April 23. Before that it was awhile as I had asked him to make sure he cleans the tub afterwards because he does private stuff while in the tub and I didn't want to be bathing in it myself. Yesterday I tried to motivate him into a shower. Hubby and I had to go get cigarettes and I said he could come with us for the car ride however I wanted him to have a shower first as it's been awhile. He didn't have the energy and would have one later. This never happens when he says this. I said we would wait for him to get up the energy to have one so that he could go with us. I had an errand to run so we went to do that to give my son time and we brought him back a coffee. He decided not to come...

Hubby and I had a nice drive. We need that one on one time to just be a couple.

We came back and I spent time in the backyard with my son. Not saying much because right now it doesn't seem to matter what I say to him he will respond in the negative. So I colored. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm a mom and I have experience with kids having temper tantrums and using negative tactics to get attention. My son has never done this... I could feel him watching/looking at me. He put both his legs on the table and started rocking them. The whole table was rocking along with everything on it. He is just looking at me... I ignored him and kept coloring. Eventually he stopped ;)

He stopped taking Melatonin, again, when he started the Latuda. So even though we have the new antipsychotic on board he is still not sleeping good because he isn't taking anything to help him sleep. Latuda is not sedating. Last night when I checked on him around 1:30, he had taken the Melatonin and not his Invega or Latuda. Just breathe right... I woke him up to take them. Of course asking very nicely so that I don't trigger his ODD defiance any further. This morning he was up before 5...

What woke me up was my son asking my hubby for a pack of cigarettes. Now I haven't rolled cigarettes since my kids were small... So I Googled it ;) On Thursday he bought 100 grams of tobacco which should roll around a carton or 200 cigarettes. It's been 3 days and he has gone through 3/4 of it.  He is now out of tubes. He said he had around 180 tubes when he got the tobacco so it seems to fit. He also has partial packs of two other kinds of cigarettes and yesterday was smoking my hubby's. I got attitude for asking him not to just take my hubby's cigarettes as he was without asking.

I know this post is getting long winded. So many thoughts in my head... I put hubby's cigarettes away because I know my son will just take them when he wants and we can't afford this. My son probably has more money in his bank account right now then hubby and I do put together. I'm trying really hard not to go further into dept. Because of my son snorting the aspirin I have now put away anything that can be crushed up and snorted... It makes me think of all the times in the past that I have fallen for the mindset of how hard-done-by my son was however I also know how hard it can be to keep things for other people when my son thinks that he is entitled to anything that he wants.

Wouldn't it be nice if someone I trusted could walk in and tell me what to do? Notice I added the trusted part. ;) I'm sure I could get lots of advise however depending on who gave it to me I wouldn't trust it... We need more money coming in to cover our expenses and our dept. The thought of leaving my home unattended and open to whatever my son sees fit to do with or in it while I'm at work... Seriously nothing would be safe from addiction or schizophrenia.

Oh well...

Mom
BarbieBF

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