I think I'm just going to have to accept that my life is never going to be without it's complications.
A couple of days ago I meet with my counselor from the ADAPT program for addiction.
Without going into all the dirty details... I found out that my husband and daughter were using drugs together. I found out that my husband didn't go and stay clean 4 years ago like I thought he did. I found out that everyone but me knew that he was using and helped him and my daughter to keep it from me. I know right... 3 months later and yeah it still hurts big time. However it is getting better.
Some may be thinking: leave him, kick him out....
Whether you believe addiction is a disease or not, it's not something that I believe in turning my back on family for. After-all I'm an addict too and well I ended up relapsing too. Sad yes I know. Basically 15 years clean of my drug of choice and I'm back struggling with urges that I thought were long in my past.
So even if I did leave my husband. That still leaves my daughter. Like the title says: This circus has 2 Ringleaders: Senior is my husband, Junior is my daughter. It also has an 11 month old baby that needs his family.
I understand addiction, which helps, however it's not helping me with my feelings of betrayal, hurt and of course the anger. Honestly thinking back I couldn't have coped without something. Using helped me to be able to think about it all without completely losing it. In hindsight I guess a prescription of Valium or Perks would have been the more logical choice or at least the choice that wouldn't have ended up with my daughter making the choice to put her son in foster care.
Still I find myself not regretting the choice to use with my husband. Amidst all the rest, jealousy reared it's ugly head. Jealousy that my daughter had a relationship with my husband that I wasn't a part of or even understood. Using comes with a certain amount of intimacy. An intimacy that my husband and I had long lost. Now I know why but for the past say two years I couldn't understand what was happening or why.
As with any addiction it's progressive. As time was going by the family unit was dying. There was no family time of watching our TV shows like we used to during the week after dinner. No spending the weekends together. Everyone was busy... I was home, with the baby most of the time, being 'the curtain'. The person that was helping to present to the rest of the world and The Children's Aid Society the happy, stable, functioning lie that everything was ok.
What happened when I joined that circus? It seems I became the bad guy for a lot of people. Everyone was ok with me being in the dark and being lied to. Not so much ok with me letting the curtain fall and all hell break lose. Well tough shit I say!
I'm done being everyone else's pillar or curtain or justification for any of their choices.
So many emotions I'm still struggling with. So many times I have heard from different people since I found out that they are so happy that I now know because they didn't like lying to me. Really! Great, thanks! Now that everyone else is absolved of feeling any guilt over their actions... Yes I still sometimes wonder how they can look me in the face at all. Like I said I understand addiction but that doesn't really help that much. The lying and manipulations are a choice and don't have to be a part of using.
There are so many things from the past couple of years that at the time I was so utterly confused and frustrated about because I couldn't understand what was going on. It was all just making me feel like a failure... Nothing I was doing was right or helping or fixing what I could see was falling apart but like I said: didn't know why.
So many situations that have been tainted with the truth of it all. One being my wedding. I'm pretty sure they all feel pretty good about the fact that they were all apparently without drugs on my special day. Not saying much for the rest of the trip or the fact that my husband and his brother couldn't seem to get it together enough to even dress themselves properly. I can now think about that day and look at pictures and still feel some form of happiness that it was my wedding day. I still love my wedding dress!
I finally got around to tidying up my basement and starting a new puzzle. I love doing puzzles. Our basement walls are covered in the puzzles we have as a family done together... unfortunately I was the only straight one doing them. For a bit I couldn't look at them without wanting to take them all down. The puzzle I started is a new one that has nothing to do with the past. My own form of therapy.
There are more... I've asked my counselor with ways to cope with the short term feelings of hurt and anger that overcome me when certain things come to light. We will discuss these next week. As time goes by there will be more situations that will make sense now that I have a clue.
From the start my daughter has said to me: How could you have not know? You had blinders on. I say: No, not really. One can't see what one doesn't know. How could I know the difference between my husband or her for that matter, using and not using if they were never clean?
Now I'm working on getting some structure back into my own life. Getting back into using my stepper and exercising. I started back doing my inside sales job a couple of days ago. Eating right, sleeping right. Back on my anti-depressants.
Most of all, wanting to find a way to get my grandson back with family, however that might look like. My daughter is currently living in a dry-group home. Which means they monitor for drugs and alcohol. Baby-daddy is currently living with me. Another complicated situation. Visitation at the moment is one day a week at my place and one day a week with my daughter at the group home. The times should go up with each passing week as long as we all stay clean.
Not sure how all that is going to play out. My daughter needs to be in her own place in order to get her son back full time. Or back here but she seems pretty determined that my place is not a safe place. I say: bullshit! How safe my place is, is on her own choices and always have been. She will have to make the same choices here or on her own when it comes to using. But for the moment these are not my choices to make. I'm really hoping that given the time her and baby-daddy will get their son back.
Now for some good news! My son is doing really good. I guess just over a month ago, he was transferred to a group home. Yes a big step. A lot more freedom however still with structure when it comes to taking his medications. He calls me once or twice a week. Usually just to talk about what is going on with his laptop and the games that he is playing.
Time for a fresh cup of coffee and my Facebook games!
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Showing posts with label ADAPT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ADAPT. Show all posts
Saturday, August 26, 2017
Monday, August 3, 2015
Why yes, I'm ecstatic!
Sarcasm!
Forewarned this post may be a bit if a rant.
I saw my son yesterday. He's a mess. He has obviously been in the same cloths for a long time. He hasn't showered or even washed that I can tell. He hasn't been taking his medications. I'm pretty sure he has been smoking marijuana.
Hubby and I picked him up to take him and get cigarettes. First we had to go to the bank so that I could transfer him his $314 that I owed him from disability. The whole time we were with him he was clenching his fist with all of his strength. I knew when I saw this that he wasn't taking his medications. At one point hubby said he asked my son why he was doing this and my son replied that he was trying to make his body work right. His brain isn't working right so his body isn't going to. He ended up giving me his bank card so that I could buy the smokes for him because he couldn't 'catch his breath' to get out of the car and do it himself.
I told my son that once we got back to the shelter I was going to go in with him so he could get his medications and put on some clean cloths. He said ok. As soon as we walked in to the shelter... Hello ODD. His defiance came out of nowhere. He didn't want his medications. One of the staff said they have been talking to him about showering etc however he 'bolts' or leaves the shelter.
Hubby and I have been talking about what to do. So far we haven't come up with any solid answers. I try not to get pissy with him when he asks me what I'm going to do. But seriously, if I had the answers I would be doing it. I don't have them... I don't know what to do.
I know how much I wanted to grab my son's stuff and bring him home.
Here's the catch. I'm a recovered addict. If I want to stay a recovered addict then one thing that I need to be able to do is think things through to the end. One of the problems with being an addict is that the mind only wants to see the good parts of using. Not the negative consequences and as long as one can keep blocking out those memories then one can keep pretending that using is ok.
I forget the exact wording of what was said during an ADAPT meeting but something along the lines of: An addict will not change until the pain of using is worse then the pain of not using.
I can bring him home. He has over $300 in his bank account. He is unstable and defiant. He believes he should be able to smoke and drink in his room. It doesn't take a genius to figure out where that scenario is most likely going.
I had already said to my husband that I need to bring him home if I can put some things in place. Before I left I tried to talk to my son. I wasn't expecting it to be an in-depth conversation considering his mental state. I got worse then I was expecting. I went to crouch/sit beside him and he got mad and told me to stand up and talk to him. I don't know why he gets like this with me. I mean the not wanting me to talk to him on his level. It just goes against everything that I have read on how to talk to someone experiencing psychosis. Especially since he gets so defiant with me being the main disciplinary. Yet he still gets mad, doesn't want me on his level and wants me to take the authoritative stance. The only thing I can reason is that somewhere in his head is a recognition that he actually needs someone to take on the role of authority for him. But then his ODD gets in the way...
I asked him if he remembered talking to his Nana about not going out there. Yes. I told him that I want to take him home however I can't if he has control over his money to buy alcohol because alcohol is killing him. I want power of attorney. He refused.
A couple of days ago I received a message from his grandmother stating that she had told him no to him coming there and she hoped that made everyone happy. Needless to say I didn't respond. The sarcastic side of me wanted to answer with: Why yes, I'm ecstatic. Thank you! I figured not answering was the better option.
My daughter calls to find out if I got the message and to include the side-note that obviously Nana didn't really mean it and that she would step in and take him if she felt it was necessary.
As far as I know that plans are/were to have my son go directly into a shelter out there. So switching one shelter for another? Then I guess work on getting him into his own place since this is what he wants. Well it's what he says he wants. He knows full well that once he gets there he can say no to any form of assisted living and that if he does that then he will end up with Nana. The ideal situation for him. He doesn't have to care about anyone except himself. He doesn't have to try to be sober and stable. To be blunt, he doesn't have to try period. He will get his pat on the head while someone else cleans up after him and protects him from himself.
The rant. Can you see my son living on his own?! He can't even keep himself stable when he is living somewhere that is feeding him and providing him with basic amenities. Yet that is what him and his grandmother seem to be concocting between the two of them. Unless he is telling her that he will go into a group home out there. If that is the case and it is being believed I can only shake my head some more.
My son, in my opinion, needs several basic things. Mainly he needs long-term treatment for addiction. By long-term I'm thinking 3-6 months to start. He needs help from non-family, so he can't use and manipulate them, to help him become stable, stay stable and learn to mature and grow up. Until he gets these things. Everything else is just prolonging everyone's suffering, including and especially his own.
My son isn't stupid by no means. When I had the police take him, one of them went with him to his room to collect his things. My son was very drunk. Not as drunk as I thought. He made sure to disconnect, unplug and turn off the laptop so that I couldn't have access to it. Before leaving he wanted my phone to call his Nana. I know some may think: Well yes she is the one he knows will support him. Hmm. The one that will support him or enable him. There is a big difference.
Honestly he has support coming out his.... ;) Agencies and people just waiting for him to give the go ahead and they will be right there. PACT has peer support, group support and vocational (job) support. ADAPT has addiction support. Applications have been started for housing. He has an open file at the YMCA for free schooling at his own pace. My son is 21 and says no thank you...
He also has me and my husband. Apparently I expect too much. Expecting Michael to follow basic rules that a 5 year old can follow, clean up after himself, treat me with respect, not be violent, try to be medication compliant and engage is addiction services is apparently too much for him. How do you respond to that? Seriously if he is that bad off then he really should be in the hospital with 24/7 care not traipsing on a plane across the country!
Where we are at now is not new. He has been here before. He has played the system, played and manipulated emotions until he got what he wanted. Freedom from responsibility, stability or sobriety.
Do you think he doesn't know that if he doesn't participate in recovery plans here that in time he will get what he wants? Of course he does. Like I said he isn't stupid.
Something I had too look at and acknowledge was/is that his masturbation episodes are tied into his alcohol use and not his schizophrenia so yes it is more behavioral. I didn't know until I found out about him calling dial-a-bottle that he was during the time of his masturbating frequently and in public, drinking almost a bottle of alcohol a day. I also found out that one of the ladies at the shelter caught him doing this in public and had to talk to him about it. I didn't tell her that I knew that he had purchased a bottle of alcohol since being there. Just like I didn't tell them that I'm pretty sure he probably has marijuana on him. Maybe that is why he bolts when expected to shower and change cloths? He keeps his jacket on and close to him when he is hiding stuff.
There is also the distinct possibility that if he gets himself kicked out of there then in steps his safety net. I may not be actively stopping this from happening however I'm certainly not going to help it happen.
Of all the blogs that I read. Jagged Little Edges is without a doubt one of my favorites. Lorelie doesn't hold any punches on what addiction is and the truth of it's ugliness is spelled out in black and white. Lorelie's last blog post: Loving An Addict Means Saying No.
A lot of Lorelie's posts are also highlighted on: Addiction Campuses
I know there are a lot of families who struggle with concurrent disorders of addiction and mental illness. I only speak for what I see with my son. He doesn't use to self-medicate symptoms. He uses/drinks to feed/satisfy his addictions. It's doing this that triggers his schizophrenia and causes the rebound affect. Also my son doesn't want to medication his symptoms. He very much enjoys his psychosis when he is in it. Probably another reason why he didn't want to take his medications yesterday. Why mess with his high? I have been around addiction enough to recognize that mind-set. I have been there. Don't eat too much before doing this drug or you will lessen the high...
I did tell the lady at the shelter that my son was psychotic and needed his medications so hopefully they were a little more attentive last night about 'reminding him' to take them. It's not a part of their duties and they get busy. Not sure I buy that. The other shelter had less staff and they did more. They followed up on medications. They searched more for drugs etc. being brought in. I know because I watched them do it. Too bad it was in such a horrible neighborhood. I have yet to see this shelter search anyone including my son. The lady asked what the signs were of my son's psychosis. To me it's obvious but I'm mom and have looked at his face for signs for years now. I asked if she knew what high looks like? What extreme exhaustion looks like? Combine them and you have my son's current face. Again I left out that he was most likely high... Really in the end it was the psychosis I'm trying to nip in the butt before something negative happens and high or not high he would still look pretty much the same from psychosis.
My appointment with ADAPT last week got rescheduled to the 18th of August. Today is a civic holiday here in Ontario, Canada so I'm not working! Hubby is :(. My work schedule has changed. Now I'm 12-6:30 Mon-Fri and I think 10:30-2 on Sunday. So 6 days a week and more hours. I may see if I can switch from Sunday to Saturday as Sunday is the one day I can pretty much count on hubby not working. The hours are being split between me and another lady. I got paid! I needed it to help cover rent due to what I had to give to Michael. I got my hair cut yesterday. Pretty short. I guess it's a bob? shorter at the back and long around the face. It feels good. I haven't had a cigarette in 6 weeks! I'm not sure how long it's been for hubby. I think 3 weeks. My homemade protein bars were a hit. We both like them. Have to make more today. I may even get back on my stepper today and do some exercise.
The above things make me happy. Certainly not the situation that my son is in or the fact that I have to fight so hard to try and get him the treatment that he needs.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Forewarned this post may be a bit if a rant.
I saw my son yesterday. He's a mess. He has obviously been in the same cloths for a long time. He hasn't showered or even washed that I can tell. He hasn't been taking his medications. I'm pretty sure he has been smoking marijuana.
Hubby and I picked him up to take him and get cigarettes. First we had to go to the bank so that I could transfer him his $314 that I owed him from disability. The whole time we were with him he was clenching his fist with all of his strength. I knew when I saw this that he wasn't taking his medications. At one point hubby said he asked my son why he was doing this and my son replied that he was trying to make his body work right. His brain isn't working right so his body isn't going to. He ended up giving me his bank card so that I could buy the smokes for him because he couldn't 'catch his breath' to get out of the car and do it himself.
I told my son that once we got back to the shelter I was going to go in with him so he could get his medications and put on some clean cloths. He said ok. As soon as we walked in to the shelter... Hello ODD. His defiance came out of nowhere. He didn't want his medications. One of the staff said they have been talking to him about showering etc however he 'bolts' or leaves the shelter.
Hubby and I have been talking about what to do. So far we haven't come up with any solid answers. I try not to get pissy with him when he asks me what I'm going to do. But seriously, if I had the answers I would be doing it. I don't have them... I don't know what to do.
I know how much I wanted to grab my son's stuff and bring him home.
Here's the catch. I'm a recovered addict. If I want to stay a recovered addict then one thing that I need to be able to do is think things through to the end. One of the problems with being an addict is that the mind only wants to see the good parts of using. Not the negative consequences and as long as one can keep blocking out those memories then one can keep pretending that using is ok.
I forget the exact wording of what was said during an ADAPT meeting but something along the lines of: An addict will not change until the pain of using is worse then the pain of not using.
I can bring him home. He has over $300 in his bank account. He is unstable and defiant. He believes he should be able to smoke and drink in his room. It doesn't take a genius to figure out where that scenario is most likely going.
I had already said to my husband that I need to bring him home if I can put some things in place. Before I left I tried to talk to my son. I wasn't expecting it to be an in-depth conversation considering his mental state. I got worse then I was expecting. I went to crouch/sit beside him and he got mad and told me to stand up and talk to him. I don't know why he gets like this with me. I mean the not wanting me to talk to him on his level. It just goes against everything that I have read on how to talk to someone experiencing psychosis. Especially since he gets so defiant with me being the main disciplinary. Yet he still gets mad, doesn't want me on his level and wants me to take the authoritative stance. The only thing I can reason is that somewhere in his head is a recognition that he actually needs someone to take on the role of authority for him. But then his ODD gets in the way...
I asked him if he remembered talking to his Nana about not going out there. Yes. I told him that I want to take him home however I can't if he has control over his money to buy alcohol because alcohol is killing him. I want power of attorney. He refused.
A couple of days ago I received a message from his grandmother stating that she had told him no to him coming there and she hoped that made everyone happy. Needless to say I didn't respond. The sarcastic side of me wanted to answer with: Why yes, I'm ecstatic. Thank you! I figured not answering was the better option.
My daughter calls to find out if I got the message and to include the side-note that obviously Nana didn't really mean it and that she would step in and take him if she felt it was necessary.
As far as I know that plans are/were to have my son go directly into a shelter out there. So switching one shelter for another? Then I guess work on getting him into his own place since this is what he wants. Well it's what he says he wants. He knows full well that once he gets there he can say no to any form of assisted living and that if he does that then he will end up with Nana. The ideal situation for him. He doesn't have to care about anyone except himself. He doesn't have to try to be sober and stable. To be blunt, he doesn't have to try period. He will get his pat on the head while someone else cleans up after him and protects him from himself.
The rant. Can you see my son living on his own?! He can't even keep himself stable when he is living somewhere that is feeding him and providing him with basic amenities. Yet that is what him and his grandmother seem to be concocting between the two of them. Unless he is telling her that he will go into a group home out there. If that is the case and it is being believed I can only shake my head some more.
My son, in my opinion, needs several basic things. Mainly he needs long-term treatment for addiction. By long-term I'm thinking 3-6 months to start. He needs help from non-family, so he can't use and manipulate them, to help him become stable, stay stable and learn to mature and grow up. Until he gets these things. Everything else is just prolonging everyone's suffering, including and especially his own.
My son isn't stupid by no means. When I had the police take him, one of them went with him to his room to collect his things. My son was very drunk. Not as drunk as I thought. He made sure to disconnect, unplug and turn off the laptop so that I couldn't have access to it. Before leaving he wanted my phone to call his Nana. I know some may think: Well yes she is the one he knows will support him. Hmm. The one that will support him or enable him. There is a big difference.
Honestly he has support coming out his.... ;) Agencies and people just waiting for him to give the go ahead and they will be right there. PACT has peer support, group support and vocational (job) support. ADAPT has addiction support. Applications have been started for housing. He has an open file at the YMCA for free schooling at his own pace. My son is 21 and says no thank you...
He also has me and my husband. Apparently I expect too much. Expecting Michael to follow basic rules that a 5 year old can follow, clean up after himself, treat me with respect, not be violent, try to be medication compliant and engage is addiction services is apparently too much for him. How do you respond to that? Seriously if he is that bad off then he really should be in the hospital with 24/7 care not traipsing on a plane across the country!
Where we are at now is not new. He has been here before. He has played the system, played and manipulated emotions until he got what he wanted. Freedom from responsibility, stability or sobriety.
Do you think he doesn't know that if he doesn't participate in recovery plans here that in time he will get what he wants? Of course he does. Like I said he isn't stupid.
Something I had too look at and acknowledge was/is that his masturbation episodes are tied into his alcohol use and not his schizophrenia so yes it is more behavioral. I didn't know until I found out about him calling dial-a-bottle that he was during the time of his masturbating frequently and in public, drinking almost a bottle of alcohol a day. I also found out that one of the ladies at the shelter caught him doing this in public and had to talk to him about it. I didn't tell her that I knew that he had purchased a bottle of alcohol since being there. Just like I didn't tell them that I'm pretty sure he probably has marijuana on him. Maybe that is why he bolts when expected to shower and change cloths? He keeps his jacket on and close to him when he is hiding stuff.
There is also the distinct possibility that if he gets himself kicked out of there then in steps his safety net. I may not be actively stopping this from happening however I'm certainly not going to help it happen.
Of all the blogs that I read. Jagged Little Edges is without a doubt one of my favorites. Lorelie doesn't hold any punches on what addiction is and the truth of it's ugliness is spelled out in black and white. Lorelie's last blog post: Loving An Addict Means Saying No.
A lot of Lorelie's posts are also highlighted on: Addiction Campuses
I know there are a lot of families who struggle with concurrent disorders of addiction and mental illness. I only speak for what I see with my son. He doesn't use to self-medicate symptoms. He uses/drinks to feed/satisfy his addictions. It's doing this that triggers his schizophrenia and causes the rebound affect. Also my son doesn't want to medication his symptoms. He very much enjoys his psychosis when he is in it. Probably another reason why he didn't want to take his medications yesterday. Why mess with his high? I have been around addiction enough to recognize that mind-set. I have been there. Don't eat too much before doing this drug or you will lessen the high...
I did tell the lady at the shelter that my son was psychotic and needed his medications so hopefully they were a little more attentive last night about 'reminding him' to take them. It's not a part of their duties and they get busy. Not sure I buy that. The other shelter had less staff and they did more. They followed up on medications. They searched more for drugs etc. being brought in. I know because I watched them do it. Too bad it was in such a horrible neighborhood. I have yet to see this shelter search anyone including my son. The lady asked what the signs were of my son's psychosis. To me it's obvious but I'm mom and have looked at his face for signs for years now. I asked if she knew what high looks like? What extreme exhaustion looks like? Combine them and you have my son's current face. Again I left out that he was most likely high... Really in the end it was the psychosis I'm trying to nip in the butt before something negative happens and high or not high he would still look pretty much the same from psychosis.
My appointment with ADAPT last week got rescheduled to the 18th of August. Today is a civic holiday here in Ontario, Canada so I'm not working! Hubby is :(. My work schedule has changed. Now I'm 12-6:30 Mon-Fri and I think 10:30-2 on Sunday. So 6 days a week and more hours. I may see if I can switch from Sunday to Saturday as Sunday is the one day I can pretty much count on hubby not working. The hours are being split between me and another lady. I got paid! I needed it to help cover rent due to what I had to give to Michael. I got my hair cut yesterday. Pretty short. I guess it's a bob? shorter at the back and long around the face. It feels good. I haven't had a cigarette in 6 weeks! I'm not sure how long it's been for hubby. I think 3 weeks. My homemade protein bars were a hit. We both like them. Have to make more today. I may even get back on my stepper today and do some exercise.
The above things make me happy. Certainly not the situation that my son is in or the fact that I have to fight so hard to try and get him the treatment that he needs.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Rockin' the Boat, A Mustang & Several Cans of Worms.
Yesterday I had such a great day! Seriously it was all good. Tuesday I got hit with major sedation from my antidepressants. I'm guessing due to it having build up in my system. Yesterday I woke up with the urge to do things... By 9 AM I was already thinking about the things I wanted to make/bake. I made beef jerky, cookies, bread, cheese crackers and tried a new rice recipe for dinner. Cleaned the fridge and did some rearranging in the kitchen. Monday I spent several hours vacuuming and de-cob-webbing our unfinished basement. I knew then that my antidepressants were doing their thing ;).
Last night my son decided to throw a wrench in things. Out of the blue he doesn't need/want his Olanzapine. It's time to try and go off them... Because barely a month of regaining some stability is long enough, I guess.
I'm sitting here trying really hard not to be pissed. For the past 3-4 weeks both myself and my hubby have been nothing but supportive and understanding. I have been patiently cleaning up his messes. Spending quality time with him doing things like messaging and scratching his back, brushing his hair, filing his nails, cuddling and even flossing his teeth. Yup you read that right. His teeth are mess. When the ashtray in the back yard, that is only 3 feet away from him, is to far away; that's ok, I take it too him. I have picking up his garbage, hosing down the yard due to his spitting... What do I ask for in return? Not very much. Perhaps that is the problem. I have been expecting way too little. In my quest to be understanding I am making things way to easy for him, again.
In my last blog post I mentioned him smoking in his room. Another thing that I have been very patient about. I have not yelled at him. I have said very little actually unless I catch him doing it. I have been keeping an eye out and finding what he uses for ashtrays when I can so that I can 'remind him' that there is no smoking in his room. A couple of times I have found the cups or containers that he uses and have removed them. For the past couple of days I haven't been able to find anything. Smart little bugger he is... He forgot this morning to put the lid back on the peanut can that he has been using. The one I thought was full of peanuts. It was full of cigarette butts.
Last weekend hubby got my son another carton of cigarettes as he has gone through 3 cartoons in just over 2 weeks. Of course smoking in his room means that he is smoking even more.
My son agreed last night to take his Olanzapine this morning... Yes as I'm sure you guessed, so far that has not happened. After I found the 'peanut can', I was thinking to myself: 'Do I really want to rock the boat and bring it up?'; as I didn't want to trigger his ODD defiance and cause him to not take the Olanzapine. Honestly what am I thinking... I'm not triggering his ODD. I'm not rockin' the boat... He is. I'm the one 'walking on eggshells' to not rock it and to what end?
I let him know this morning that if he isn't going to take the Olanzapine then he needs to call his nurse and let him know and discuss upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg. Can I do it for him since I'm the one that seems to have a problem with this. Yes I absolutely have a problem with him going into psychosis, losing touch with reality and possibly one of us getting hurt. I can't hold him accountable for symptoms that he has no control over however he can be accountable for making choices that are going to cause a re-emergence of these symptoms. If he is going to make these decisions then he needs to be responsible for them and letting his treatment team know.
I also put away the rest of the carton of cigarettes that my hubby just got and let him know that I will give him a pack a day and they need to stay downstairs, not in his bedroom. Enough is enough. If hubby and I can smoke outside or in the basement then Michael can too and he is just going to have to figure that one out. I wonder how many times I have typed 'enough is enough'. Probably not enough ;) and certainly I need to have better follow through on these things or my son will just continue to break the rules with no consequences.
Ah yes the mustang. Hubby seems to be going through a phase. I feel a bit bad. I know how much he wants one and I won't tell him that he can't have one. He is the one earning a pay check after all. We did take one out for a test drive...
I'm not much for knowing about cars... She does look and sound nice though. Certainly suits hubby. It doesn't suit anything else though. The back seat was very cramped and he would lose a lot of functionality in the front as well. If it was just hubby and I, there would have been zero questions and we probably would have purchased it.
Hubby texted me this morning that one of the credit cards didn't work. I haven't been keeping close tabs on our accounts over the last week. Not that it would have mattered as some things came up that needed to be attended to. Hubby is now completely in debt in his name ;) Actually he has no more credit left and his bank account is in overdraft. Oops.
I hadn't heard from my daughter for a couple of days. Never a good thing. If she doesn't call me on the way to work, then she probably isn't working. She called me last night. She lost her painting job. That was coming and I'm surprised it took that long. She has issues with getting to work on time and having enough bus money to even get to work. She refuses to ask me for help unless it's absolutely necessary. Both hubby and I gave her some 'loving advice' on asking me for help. Regardless of where we are at financially we will gladly help her with getting a bus pass for the month. Same with getting to the doctor for a bladder infection that she has had for a long time now. She doesn't have money for the prescription. Get to the doctor and let me know how much it will cost. Good lord... She is struggling to be independent and to be strong. She is struggling to pay her rent, she is struggling to even take care of herself properly and she isn't succeeding. She needs to come home because she is taking on the responsibility of way to much and to many people where she is.
I meet with my worker at ADAPT on Tuesday. Still doing intake or background information. She asked me about complicated relationships. Haha! All of them! Some I have let go to the wayside as I really don't need them. Some are a little harder as I can't walk away from them. I have an idea of which ones play on me the most as they are the ones that my negative thoughts are on loop about and part of the reason I'm on Venlafaxine. To stop that negative loop that I dislike and I seem to have little control over lately. There is no closure or resolution.
I'm grateful and already this lady has helped me on two occasions with helping me to see what I was missing. Once regarding my husband and on Tuesday. She commented that my feelings on one relationship seemed to be motivated by fear. I know that my anger is usually fueled by something else. Hurt feelings and betrayal are the normal culprits and still do play a part however I completely overlooked fear. She was right. Fear of the damage that it has caused and continues to cause, on occasion. Damage that I have so little control over. I can usually put things behind me however I'm having trouble with this one. To the point where I'm on guard because I feel I have to be or I could easily lose my cool again. I don't like doing that.
Last weekend hubby and I found a store that sells semi-permanent titanium or grey hair dye. I have been looking for silver but no luck so far. As I have been watching my grey slowly grow in, I have been liking it. Hubby says he likes it too. So I want to highlight it with grey. I would do it myself but I don't think I could manage seeing to pull my hair through every second row of the cap.
I think I'm going to try printing my resume and taking it over to the pet store that is just around the corner. I held off as my son was interested for all of what, 24 hours... I'm no way comfortable with the idea of working full time right now as my poor home would be in shambles but part-time. I was excited a couple of weeks ago about another work from home opportunity however after looking into some reviews it appeared to be mostly another scam where you pay a lot of fees with little to no guarantee of work.
Michael has been attending the group meetings through PACT for the past 3 weeks. Thought I would throw that in there!
My quit date for quitting smoking is this weekend. Wish me luck!
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Last night my son decided to throw a wrench in things. Out of the blue he doesn't need/want his Olanzapine. It's time to try and go off them... Because barely a month of regaining some stability is long enough, I guess.
I'm sitting here trying really hard not to be pissed. For the past 3-4 weeks both myself and my hubby have been nothing but supportive and understanding. I have been patiently cleaning up his messes. Spending quality time with him doing things like messaging and scratching his back, brushing his hair, filing his nails, cuddling and even flossing his teeth. Yup you read that right. His teeth are mess. When the ashtray in the back yard, that is only 3 feet away from him, is to far away; that's ok, I take it too him. I have picking up his garbage, hosing down the yard due to his spitting... What do I ask for in return? Not very much. Perhaps that is the problem. I have been expecting way too little. In my quest to be understanding I am making things way to easy for him, again.
In my last blog post I mentioned him smoking in his room. Another thing that I have been very patient about. I have not yelled at him. I have said very little actually unless I catch him doing it. I have been keeping an eye out and finding what he uses for ashtrays when I can so that I can 'remind him' that there is no smoking in his room. A couple of times I have found the cups or containers that he uses and have removed them. For the past couple of days I haven't been able to find anything. Smart little bugger he is... He forgot this morning to put the lid back on the peanut can that he has been using. The one I thought was full of peanuts. It was full of cigarette butts.
Last weekend hubby got my son another carton of cigarettes as he has gone through 3 cartoons in just over 2 weeks. Of course smoking in his room means that he is smoking even more.
My son agreed last night to take his Olanzapine this morning... Yes as I'm sure you guessed, so far that has not happened. After I found the 'peanut can', I was thinking to myself: 'Do I really want to rock the boat and bring it up?'; as I didn't want to trigger his ODD defiance and cause him to not take the Olanzapine. Honestly what am I thinking... I'm not triggering his ODD. I'm not rockin' the boat... He is. I'm the one 'walking on eggshells' to not rock it and to what end?
I let him know this morning that if he isn't going to take the Olanzapine then he needs to call his nurse and let him know and discuss upping his Invega from 6 mg to 9 mg. Can I do it for him since I'm the one that seems to have a problem with this. Yes I absolutely have a problem with him going into psychosis, losing touch with reality and possibly one of us getting hurt. I can't hold him accountable for symptoms that he has no control over however he can be accountable for making choices that are going to cause a re-emergence of these symptoms. If he is going to make these decisions then he needs to be responsible for them and letting his treatment team know.
I also put away the rest of the carton of cigarettes that my hubby just got and let him know that I will give him a pack a day and they need to stay downstairs, not in his bedroom. Enough is enough. If hubby and I can smoke outside or in the basement then Michael can too and he is just going to have to figure that one out. I wonder how many times I have typed 'enough is enough'. Probably not enough ;) and certainly I need to have better follow through on these things or my son will just continue to break the rules with no consequences.
Ah yes the mustang. Hubby seems to be going through a phase. I feel a bit bad. I know how much he wants one and I won't tell him that he can't have one. He is the one earning a pay check after all. We did take one out for a test drive...
I'm not much for knowing about cars... She does look and sound nice though. Certainly suits hubby. It doesn't suit anything else though. The back seat was very cramped and he would lose a lot of functionality in the front as well. If it was just hubby and I, there would have been zero questions and we probably would have purchased it.
Hubby texted me this morning that one of the credit cards didn't work. I haven't been keeping close tabs on our accounts over the last week. Not that it would have mattered as some things came up that needed to be attended to. Hubby is now completely in debt in his name ;) Actually he has no more credit left and his bank account is in overdraft. Oops.
I hadn't heard from my daughter for a couple of days. Never a good thing. If she doesn't call me on the way to work, then she probably isn't working. She called me last night. She lost her painting job. That was coming and I'm surprised it took that long. She has issues with getting to work on time and having enough bus money to even get to work. She refuses to ask me for help unless it's absolutely necessary. Both hubby and I gave her some 'loving advice' on asking me for help. Regardless of where we are at financially we will gladly help her with getting a bus pass for the month. Same with getting to the doctor for a bladder infection that she has had for a long time now. She doesn't have money for the prescription. Get to the doctor and let me know how much it will cost. Good lord... She is struggling to be independent and to be strong. She is struggling to pay her rent, she is struggling to even take care of herself properly and she isn't succeeding. She needs to come home because she is taking on the responsibility of way to much and to many people where she is.
I meet with my worker at ADAPT on Tuesday. Still doing intake or background information. She asked me about complicated relationships. Haha! All of them! Some I have let go to the wayside as I really don't need them. Some are a little harder as I can't walk away from them. I have an idea of which ones play on me the most as they are the ones that my negative thoughts are on loop about and part of the reason I'm on Venlafaxine. To stop that negative loop that I dislike and I seem to have little control over lately. There is no closure or resolution.
I'm grateful and already this lady has helped me on two occasions with helping me to see what I was missing. Once regarding my husband and on Tuesday. She commented that my feelings on one relationship seemed to be motivated by fear. I know that my anger is usually fueled by something else. Hurt feelings and betrayal are the normal culprits and still do play a part however I completely overlooked fear. She was right. Fear of the damage that it has caused and continues to cause, on occasion. Damage that I have so little control over. I can usually put things behind me however I'm having trouble with this one. To the point where I'm on guard because I feel I have to be or I could easily lose my cool again. I don't like doing that.
Last weekend hubby and I found a store that sells semi-permanent titanium or grey hair dye. I have been looking for silver but no luck so far. As I have been watching my grey slowly grow in, I have been liking it. Hubby says he likes it too. So I want to highlight it with grey. I would do it myself but I don't think I could manage seeing to pull my hair through every second row of the cap.
I think I'm going to try printing my resume and taking it over to the pet store that is just around the corner. I held off as my son was interested for all of what, 24 hours... I'm no way comfortable with the idea of working full time right now as my poor home would be in shambles but part-time. I was excited a couple of weeks ago about another work from home opportunity however after looking into some reviews it appeared to be mostly another scam where you pay a lot of fees with little to no guarantee of work.
Michael has been attending the group meetings through PACT for the past 3 weeks. Thought I would throw that in there!
My quit date for quitting smoking is this weekend. Wish me luck!
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, June 12, 2015
A little bit manic? ADAPT, Camping & Rules
To anyone that follows my blog regularly, my apologies for not writing...
I seem to still be struggling a bit with getting back into my grove and my social media with respect to mental illness. I upped my Venlafaxine on Saturday to what my family doctor wants me taking as I was noticing that my thoughts were going back to that negative loop where everything and anything that I'm not impressed with was auto-repeat in my head ;). It takes a couple of days for it to build up and by Wednesday the sedation kicked in and I ended up napping and going to bed early. So hopefully I can get back on track.
Hubby's family get together went well. Very well actually. I ended up reminding/telling my son that he had money as we were taking him to get cigarettes. I asked him to hold off on buying alcohol until after the family get together as I didn't want him being symptomatic while there. He agreed to wait. I know that he found it a bit tiresome but he said that he had a good time.
He didn't buy alcohol until later Monday afternoon. My bad... but I told him that the liquor store wasn't open on Sundays. I didn't think that it was. Hubby told me afterwards that it was open.
I'm guessing it was the alcohol that triggered it; he went a bit manic on Tuesday. Out of nowhere he was putting on jeans, grooming his beard and looking for his dress shoes. We had an interesting conversation about his teeth that day. Some delusional thinking in that he believed he was 'born' when he first started having memories around 3 or 4 and that he has grown new teeth 4 times. His ODD started to act up a little bit. When I didn't engage he said to me: Come on lets talk about this... Translation, come on lets argue ;). Sorry no. I told him that I thought he was being delusional, that I gave birth to him so I know when he was born, if he had teeth or not and that I wasn't going to continue this conversation. I walked away.
He went to his PACT group the following Wednesday which was golf. He participated and had fun. His new nurse from PACT has taken him out of the house for the past two Mondays. I think he is also pushing at PACT that Michael be more involved with the outings so it doesn't look like I have to question if he is on the list for Wednesday's groups anymore. Now his rides are just showing up. I think Monday's outing to the YMCA is being looked at as well. Last Wednesday was supposed to be a trail hike but due to rain they ended up going to the mall instead.
Camping last weekend went well. He said that he had fun. It's hard to tell sometimes. He looks like he is not really paying much attention to where he is yet he must be. Hubby and I stayed up until around 10 and Michael stayed up after that watching the fire ;). His reason for wanting to go camping is the fire. The store at the campsite sells little packets that causes the flames to go different colors which is kinda cool. We got 2 of them this time. Roasted some marshmallows. Hubby and I froze our butts off that night. Not quit warm enough at night yet...
I have had 2 appointments with ADAPT now. I will be meeting with my counselor once a week until she can get through my history. Also because I'm now a client of ADAPT then I'm able to participate in another program they have called 'STOP' which is for quitting smoking. I meet with a gentleman for that Wednesday morning and he gave me a months supply of patches and some lozenges. Now I just have to set my quit date. Because of my own past history with addiction I'm a little bit of both. I'm there as a family member of an addict but I'm also a recovering addict so I should be able to attend some of the programs for that as well.
Every Friday (today) they have a get together for addiction clients where people can talk about addiction, mental illness and how to have a better life. My son keeps asking if he can come to group with hubby and I and of course the answer is no. I reminded him of a youth thing that happens on Wednesday nights however I can't go to that one so he says no. He seemed open to the idea of going to today's session so we will see depending on the weather as it's supposed to downpour. Also I think his motivation may be the food court at the mall where ADAPT is and I can't keep handing money out to these things. Every group he wants money for McDonald's...
Wednesday hubby noticed that Michael seemed a bit edgy or cranky. A week without alcohol and he was/is probably experiencing some withdrawal symptoms. Being aware of this I didn't say anything that would play into that scenario. You know the one that has the addict pushing for a fight or argument so that they have a reason to drink or use ;). I can't say that I want to go through this every time my son gets money. It may not seem like much, however it's a constant cycle of him feeding his addiction then going through withdrawal when he has to go without. Sadly it's him that is suffering with withdrawal...
Hubby and I had group again last night. It was a repeat of the same theme as the last one we attended which was concurrent disorders: addiction and mental illness. Hubby seems to be getting a lot out of these groups. It's helping him to see/hear from others, other then just me. The group last night was through the Schizophrenia Society of Ontario (SSO) and they meet once a month at that location. I was sort of aware however I will make a bigger effort in the future to attend these.
I did speak to the lady from SSO for a minute about advocacy and other things. These are the items that SSO is currently working on: Policy and Advocacy
Rules... It came to our attention on Wednesday night, I think, that my son has started smoking in his bedroom. I totally missed the red flag of my son being in his room all night. Here I was thinking: Yah he's sleeping through the night. *face palm* I'm usually more on top of it then that but I guess between upping my antidepressants and my want to not see the negatives... I totally missed it until hubby commented that upstairs smelled like cigarette smoke.
Yesterday he was smoking while I was upstairs so I smelled it. Of course he lied to me. I gave him several chances to tell me the truth and finally had to go find the 'ashtray' and take it out of his room and tell him to go outside. Once outside I brought it up and of course got the: I pay for my room... I didn't respond right away, waited a bit then said to him that I didn't want it to be that every time I bring up something that he is doing that he isn't supposed to be doing that I have to deal with his ODD. He asked what ODD was? Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He says: I'm not being defiant, ok maybe I am but that's because you won't listen. Listen to what? You want to do what you want regardless of the rules because you think you should be able to. Yes you pay for the room however that still doesn't give you the right to smoke in it. If he rented a whole apartment that was non-smoking than he still isn't allowed to smoke in it. The world has rules.
I let him know that moving forward there would be consequences to him not following this rule. Several hours later it's easy to know that he is STILL smoking in his room as he hasn't gone outside for a smoke. I let him know that I'm backing off on giving him attention until he can learn to follow this rule. This may sound harsh however if I let this boundary slip then every other rule or boundary will go out the window with it.
In last night's group there was discussion on the 'slippery slope' of addiction. Well there are slippery slopes with boundaries as well. My son loves to push them and whenever I don't try to keep them then he pushes them all. He will even tell me: Well this is a rule and you let me so I figure this rule doesn't apply either. Typical ODD behavior which is why boundary setting is so important. Regardless of all this I don't want my home full of cigarette smoke, certainly not upstairs when it contributes to my headaches and guess what? It's my home too.
So awesomely today I have totally triggered his ODD ;) by taking his cigarettes out of his room and putting them in the basement. Not an easy tightrope to walk. Enforcing the boundary without allowing this to turn into something ugly so keeping my tone neutral and not reacting to his attitude which as the moment seems to be staring me down...
I'm off to make a coffee and harass my daughter, if I can, as she hasn't been getting to work on time. All I can do is keep calling her phone...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I seem to still be struggling a bit with getting back into my grove and my social media with respect to mental illness. I upped my Venlafaxine on Saturday to what my family doctor wants me taking as I was noticing that my thoughts were going back to that negative loop where everything and anything that I'm not impressed with was auto-repeat in my head ;). It takes a couple of days for it to build up and by Wednesday the sedation kicked in and I ended up napping and going to bed early. So hopefully I can get back on track.
Hubby's family get together went well. Very well actually. I ended up reminding/telling my son that he had money as we were taking him to get cigarettes. I asked him to hold off on buying alcohol until after the family get together as I didn't want him being symptomatic while there. He agreed to wait. I know that he found it a bit tiresome but he said that he had a good time.
He didn't buy alcohol until later Monday afternoon. My bad... but I told him that the liquor store wasn't open on Sundays. I didn't think that it was. Hubby told me afterwards that it was open.
I'm guessing it was the alcohol that triggered it; he went a bit manic on Tuesday. Out of nowhere he was putting on jeans, grooming his beard and looking for his dress shoes. We had an interesting conversation about his teeth that day. Some delusional thinking in that he believed he was 'born' when he first started having memories around 3 or 4 and that he has grown new teeth 4 times. His ODD started to act up a little bit. When I didn't engage he said to me: Come on lets talk about this... Translation, come on lets argue ;). Sorry no. I told him that I thought he was being delusional, that I gave birth to him so I know when he was born, if he had teeth or not and that I wasn't going to continue this conversation. I walked away.
He went to his PACT group the following Wednesday which was golf. He participated and had fun. His new nurse from PACT has taken him out of the house for the past two Mondays. I think he is also pushing at PACT that Michael be more involved with the outings so it doesn't look like I have to question if he is on the list for Wednesday's groups anymore. Now his rides are just showing up. I think Monday's outing to the YMCA is being looked at as well. Last Wednesday was supposed to be a trail hike but due to rain they ended up going to the mall instead.
Camping last weekend went well. He said that he had fun. It's hard to tell sometimes. He looks like he is not really paying much attention to where he is yet he must be. Hubby and I stayed up until around 10 and Michael stayed up after that watching the fire ;). His reason for wanting to go camping is the fire. The store at the campsite sells little packets that causes the flames to go different colors which is kinda cool. We got 2 of them this time. Roasted some marshmallows. Hubby and I froze our butts off that night. Not quit warm enough at night yet...
I have had 2 appointments with ADAPT now. I will be meeting with my counselor once a week until she can get through my history. Also because I'm now a client of ADAPT then I'm able to participate in another program they have called 'STOP' which is for quitting smoking. I meet with a gentleman for that Wednesday morning and he gave me a months supply of patches and some lozenges. Now I just have to set my quit date. Because of my own past history with addiction I'm a little bit of both. I'm there as a family member of an addict but I'm also a recovering addict so I should be able to attend some of the programs for that as well.
Every Friday (today) they have a get together for addiction clients where people can talk about addiction, mental illness and how to have a better life. My son keeps asking if he can come to group with hubby and I and of course the answer is no. I reminded him of a youth thing that happens on Wednesday nights however I can't go to that one so he says no. He seemed open to the idea of going to today's session so we will see depending on the weather as it's supposed to downpour. Also I think his motivation may be the food court at the mall where ADAPT is and I can't keep handing money out to these things. Every group he wants money for McDonald's...
Wednesday hubby noticed that Michael seemed a bit edgy or cranky. A week without alcohol and he was/is probably experiencing some withdrawal symptoms. Being aware of this I didn't say anything that would play into that scenario. You know the one that has the addict pushing for a fight or argument so that they have a reason to drink or use ;). I can't say that I want to go through this every time my son gets money. It may not seem like much, however it's a constant cycle of him feeding his addiction then going through withdrawal when he has to go without. Sadly it's him that is suffering with withdrawal...
Hubby and I had group again last night. It was a repeat of the same theme as the last one we attended which was concurrent disorders: addiction and mental illness. Hubby seems to be getting a lot out of these groups. It's helping him to see/hear from others, other then just me. The group last night was through the Schizophrenia Society of Ontario (SSO) and they meet once a month at that location. I was sort of aware however I will make a bigger effort in the future to attend these.
I did speak to the lady from SSO for a minute about advocacy and other things. These are the items that SSO is currently working on: Policy and Advocacy
Rules... It came to our attention on Wednesday night, I think, that my son has started smoking in his bedroom. I totally missed the red flag of my son being in his room all night. Here I was thinking: Yah he's sleeping through the night. *face palm* I'm usually more on top of it then that but I guess between upping my antidepressants and my want to not see the negatives... I totally missed it until hubby commented that upstairs smelled like cigarette smoke.
Yesterday he was smoking while I was upstairs so I smelled it. Of course he lied to me. I gave him several chances to tell me the truth and finally had to go find the 'ashtray' and take it out of his room and tell him to go outside. Once outside I brought it up and of course got the: I pay for my room... I didn't respond right away, waited a bit then said to him that I didn't want it to be that every time I bring up something that he is doing that he isn't supposed to be doing that I have to deal with his ODD. He asked what ODD was? Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He says: I'm not being defiant, ok maybe I am but that's because you won't listen. Listen to what? You want to do what you want regardless of the rules because you think you should be able to. Yes you pay for the room however that still doesn't give you the right to smoke in it. If he rented a whole apartment that was non-smoking than he still isn't allowed to smoke in it. The world has rules.
I let him know that moving forward there would be consequences to him not following this rule. Several hours later it's easy to know that he is STILL smoking in his room as he hasn't gone outside for a smoke. I let him know that I'm backing off on giving him attention until he can learn to follow this rule. This may sound harsh however if I let this boundary slip then every other rule or boundary will go out the window with it.
In last night's group there was discussion on the 'slippery slope' of addiction. Well there are slippery slopes with boundaries as well. My son loves to push them and whenever I don't try to keep them then he pushes them all. He will even tell me: Well this is a rule and you let me so I figure this rule doesn't apply either. Typical ODD behavior which is why boundary setting is so important. Regardless of all this I don't want my home full of cigarette smoke, certainly not upstairs when it contributes to my headaches and guess what? It's my home too.
So awesomely today I have totally triggered his ODD ;) by taking his cigarettes out of his room and putting them in the basement. Not an easy tightrope to walk. Enforcing the boundary without allowing this to turn into something ugly so keeping my tone neutral and not reacting to his attitude which as the moment seems to be staring me down...
I'm off to make a coffee and harass my daughter, if I can, as she hasn't been getting to work on time. All I can do is keep calling her phone...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, May 29, 2015
I'm seemingly not living very well. The 4 C's and Acceptance
'I'm seemingly not living very well.' Is what my son said to me yesterday when I pointed out for the umpteenth time that the patio table was not an ashtray. No he is not functioning very well at the moment.
The fact that he recognizes that he isn't living/functioning very well, I think is a good thing.
I don't know if it's that I'm perhaps a bit fed up with schizophrenia or if it's that I have been going through a phase of acceptance. Both I guess. On one hand I don't seem to have the motivation to be blogging, tweeting etc about mental illness. I think I just needed a bit of a break from it on social media and honestly I'm staring it in the face 24/7 at the moment and that's enough for me right now.
To a certain extend I have always accepted schizophrenia however I'm not sure I accepted how little control I have over it. On Monday and Tuesday evening my hubby and I attended a group through ADAPT for caregiver's of concurrent disorders (addiction and mental illness). Yes I pointed out that according to the DSM that addiction is now considered to be a mental illness ;).
For the first time I am seeking help in dealing with or coping with what our family is going through. It feels good. The 3 C's came up with a twist and I really liked it. The 4 C's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure it but I can learn to Cope. I have always accepted that I didn't cause it and even that I don't have very much control over it however I have still been trying to control it to the best of ability. That ever present hope that if I do enough then my son will go into remission and start to build a life for himself.
I still have that hope however I can't build his life for him. I can't cure his schizophrenia. I can't...
It's been just over 2 weeks since I took him off the Latuda and started the Olanzapine. It's felt like a long 2 weeks. I have to keep reminding myself that it's only been 2 weeks. If someone broke a limb no one would expect recovery in just 2 weeks. You are looking at months at least. Even with the common cold it can take up to 3 months for the cough to completely go away. Yet here I am thinking: It's been 2 weeks, why hasn't the medication fixed this yet? *face palm* I really do know better. It's just hard to watch and wait.
Something that has been on my mind lately is something I read in an article about asylums or better yet how we need long term facilities. We do. I remember reading that people going through crisis had a place to go and just be or adjust, taking all the time they needed. I wonder if my son needs time to just be and adjust. Time to learn and recognize his own schizophrenia.
Over the past couple of weeks I have been noticing things. When I ask my son if he is hallucinating I don't get the auto-response of no. Now it's I think so. He is learning to recognize that what he sees, I don't. One day I noticed that he was very clammy/sweaty and asked if he was having an episode and he answered with I think so.
So I'm thinking: If I jump in and up his medications is this the right thing? On the surface the answer may seem like a yes. I'm not so sure. Maybe he needs to be in a place where he is stable enough to be aware of what schizophrenia is doing to him so that he can learn or see what it is also keeping him from doing. Living!
He seemed to be slowly improving until Wednesday when he went to the library with part of a group through PACT. He came back a bit more symptomatic and that night didn't sleep well. Yesterday he was off again and I even caught him masturbating in the living room. Can't say I was impressed with that ;). I let him know that I didn't like it and asked him to not do that in the living room. He agreed...
I think the stress of going to the library was too much for him right now. For a bit I actually wondered if he smoked marijuana with someone however I didn't see the other signs and he wasn't relaxed at all so I'm ruling that out. When I told him that he needed to get ready to go he said he didn't want to. I reminded him that he had told his case worker and nurse that he would go. I got him clean cloths and got his backpack ready for him. I didn't tell him that he had to go or that he could stay home. I let him know that if he found it too much that he could come home and that I think he should at least try that getting out may be good for him.
What struck me during the above conversation was like a flashback to when they are small and don't want to go to school. That's another twist that schizophrenia has thrown at us. He has been childlike for lack of a better word. Even my hubby has commented that sometimes when he answers me it's like he is a kid. Him not wanting to go to group was like a child not wanting to go to school. He went because even though I didn't tell him he had to, I didn't tell him couldn't and like a child he was in a way doing what he was told.
My main goal this last couple of weeks has just been to keep him on a good schedule for bed and spending time with him. I have been massaging and scratching his back whenever he asks which is 3-7 times a day. Sometimes at 6 in the morning... oi. It would be nice if it was after I had my coffee but oh well. When he asks, off I go. Every night I spend time with him, just cuddling/holding him. I was a little uncomfortable with this in the beginning however I have lightened up about it. When I first started massaging his back I could visibly see and feel him relax as I was doing it. I think it's been a good experience for both of us. It seems to be bringing us closer together. Hubby has been vacated to the smaller sofa while my son and I occupy the big one, while we watch our TV shows after dinner. Sometimes he puts his head in my lap. Yesterday I even got him to take 2 omega-3! The day before 2 multi-vitamins. I smiled when he walked away because I don't think he even realized what had happened. He stopped beside me while I was getting hubby and I our supplements, I handed him the multi-vitamins and he took them. :) Same with the omega-3. I offered him 2 and first he said no so I asked him to take just one and he decided to take both of them!
It's been a lot of going behind him and putting stuff away. Making sure things are turned off or reminding him that he has things turned on, like the deep fryer ;). I have been pointing all these things out to him however I have been doing it with a very loving tone. No judgments or being mad. Just letting him know that he isn't doing them. I think that is why he was able to say or see that he isn't living (functioning) very well. He knows that he hasn't been able to do these minor things.
I haven't been taking him out much. Realistically I think that even grocery shopping would take more energy then he has right now. I haven't told him that he can't come with us however I have stated that being clean needs to happen for him to come. Since he doesn't have it in him to really do this then he decides not to come. No worries he still gets his fair share of treats and usually McDonald's that we pick up for him on the way back.
With the hygiene thing... Again I have been pointing it out and again with a loving tone. Last weekend we got him new track-pants as he lost some weight and although the same size, they fit him better due to the style. That night I let him know he needed to get clean and put on clean cloths. He asked if he could not shower. I let him know that he didn't have to but I was going to clean him. He replied: You're going to clean me, ok let's do this... I washed his pits, neck, face and hands and had him put on all clean cloths. He even asked me to get him clean underwear. ;)
Slowly he seems to be becoming more aware of things like his own body odor. Baby steps right?
I'm in the middle of making flat bread as hubbies family is having a get together tomorrow. Not sure what to do about my son. Yesterday he was asking about the date and checking his bank account. Addiction... While he wants to come tomorrow, as soon as he realizes or remembers the date again... Take him with us when he will have triggered symptoms again or leave him home alone with no one making sure he isn't burning the house down ;)
I almost forgot. I finally booked camping! Next Saturday so that should hopefully give him something to look forward to.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
The fact that he recognizes that he isn't living/functioning very well, I think is a good thing.
I don't know if it's that I'm perhaps a bit fed up with schizophrenia or if it's that I have been going through a phase of acceptance. Both I guess. On one hand I don't seem to have the motivation to be blogging, tweeting etc about mental illness. I think I just needed a bit of a break from it on social media and honestly I'm staring it in the face 24/7 at the moment and that's enough for me right now.
To a certain extend I have always accepted schizophrenia however I'm not sure I accepted how little control I have over it. On Monday and Tuesday evening my hubby and I attended a group through ADAPT for caregiver's of concurrent disorders (addiction and mental illness). Yes I pointed out that according to the DSM that addiction is now considered to be a mental illness ;).
For the first time I am seeking help in dealing with or coping with what our family is going through. It feels good. The 3 C's came up with a twist and I really liked it. The 4 C's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure it but I can learn to Cope. I have always accepted that I didn't cause it and even that I don't have very much control over it however I have still been trying to control it to the best of ability. That ever present hope that if I do enough then my son will go into remission and start to build a life for himself.
I still have that hope however I can't build his life for him. I can't cure his schizophrenia. I can't...
It's been just over 2 weeks since I took him off the Latuda and started the Olanzapine. It's felt like a long 2 weeks. I have to keep reminding myself that it's only been 2 weeks. If someone broke a limb no one would expect recovery in just 2 weeks. You are looking at months at least. Even with the common cold it can take up to 3 months for the cough to completely go away. Yet here I am thinking: It's been 2 weeks, why hasn't the medication fixed this yet? *face palm* I really do know better. It's just hard to watch and wait.
Something that has been on my mind lately is something I read in an article about asylums or better yet how we need long term facilities. We do. I remember reading that people going through crisis had a place to go and just be or adjust, taking all the time they needed. I wonder if my son needs time to just be and adjust. Time to learn and recognize his own schizophrenia.
Over the past couple of weeks I have been noticing things. When I ask my son if he is hallucinating I don't get the auto-response of no. Now it's I think so. He is learning to recognize that what he sees, I don't. One day I noticed that he was very clammy/sweaty and asked if he was having an episode and he answered with I think so.
So I'm thinking: If I jump in and up his medications is this the right thing? On the surface the answer may seem like a yes. I'm not so sure. Maybe he needs to be in a place where he is stable enough to be aware of what schizophrenia is doing to him so that he can learn or see what it is also keeping him from doing. Living!
He seemed to be slowly improving until Wednesday when he went to the library with part of a group through PACT. He came back a bit more symptomatic and that night didn't sleep well. Yesterday he was off again and I even caught him masturbating in the living room. Can't say I was impressed with that ;). I let him know that I didn't like it and asked him to not do that in the living room. He agreed...
I think the stress of going to the library was too much for him right now. For a bit I actually wondered if he smoked marijuana with someone however I didn't see the other signs and he wasn't relaxed at all so I'm ruling that out. When I told him that he needed to get ready to go he said he didn't want to. I reminded him that he had told his case worker and nurse that he would go. I got him clean cloths and got his backpack ready for him. I didn't tell him that he had to go or that he could stay home. I let him know that if he found it too much that he could come home and that I think he should at least try that getting out may be good for him.
What struck me during the above conversation was like a flashback to when they are small and don't want to go to school. That's another twist that schizophrenia has thrown at us. He has been childlike for lack of a better word. Even my hubby has commented that sometimes when he answers me it's like he is a kid. Him not wanting to go to group was like a child not wanting to go to school. He went because even though I didn't tell him he had to, I didn't tell him couldn't and like a child he was in a way doing what he was told.
My main goal this last couple of weeks has just been to keep him on a good schedule for bed and spending time with him. I have been massaging and scratching his back whenever he asks which is 3-7 times a day. Sometimes at 6 in the morning... oi. It would be nice if it was after I had my coffee but oh well. When he asks, off I go. Every night I spend time with him, just cuddling/holding him. I was a little uncomfortable with this in the beginning however I have lightened up about it. When I first started massaging his back I could visibly see and feel him relax as I was doing it. I think it's been a good experience for both of us. It seems to be bringing us closer together. Hubby has been vacated to the smaller sofa while my son and I occupy the big one, while we watch our TV shows after dinner. Sometimes he puts his head in my lap. Yesterday I even got him to take 2 omega-3! The day before 2 multi-vitamins. I smiled when he walked away because I don't think he even realized what had happened. He stopped beside me while I was getting hubby and I our supplements, I handed him the multi-vitamins and he took them. :) Same with the omega-3. I offered him 2 and first he said no so I asked him to take just one and he decided to take both of them!
It's been a lot of going behind him and putting stuff away. Making sure things are turned off or reminding him that he has things turned on, like the deep fryer ;). I have been pointing all these things out to him however I have been doing it with a very loving tone. No judgments or being mad. Just letting him know that he isn't doing them. I think that is why he was able to say or see that he isn't living (functioning) very well. He knows that he hasn't been able to do these minor things.
I haven't been taking him out much. Realistically I think that even grocery shopping would take more energy then he has right now. I haven't told him that he can't come with us however I have stated that being clean needs to happen for him to come. Since he doesn't have it in him to really do this then he decides not to come. No worries he still gets his fair share of treats and usually McDonald's that we pick up for him on the way back.
With the hygiene thing... Again I have been pointing it out and again with a loving tone. Last weekend we got him new track-pants as he lost some weight and although the same size, they fit him better due to the style. That night I let him know he needed to get clean and put on clean cloths. He asked if he could not shower. I let him know that he didn't have to but I was going to clean him. He replied: You're going to clean me, ok let's do this... I washed his pits, neck, face and hands and had him put on all clean cloths. He even asked me to get him clean underwear. ;)
Slowly he seems to be becoming more aware of things like his own body odor. Baby steps right?
I'm in the middle of making flat bread as hubbies family is having a get together tomorrow. Not sure what to do about my son. Yesterday he was asking about the date and checking his bank account. Addiction... While he wants to come tomorrow, as soon as he realizes or remembers the date again... Take him with us when he will have triggered symptoms again or leave him home alone with no one making sure he isn't burning the house down ;)
I almost forgot. I finally booked camping! Next Saturday so that should hopefully give him something to look forward to.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Bye bye Latuda
I was really hoping or had high hopes for the Latuda as I have heard of good results with it. However the small positives that I have seen are in no way outweighing the negatives. Honestly I'm not sure that the small positives I have seen are even as a result of the Latuda. The only positives I have been seeing is my son sometimes picking up after himself and making himself things to eat which most likely can be attributed to years of me trying to install this habit in him.
My hubby took my son out with him to clean the car on Saturday and they came back with these for Mother's Day:
My son came downstairs where I was doing laundry and gave them to me saying: I thought these would do you. Meaning he picked them out and thought I would like them. He was right!
As I mentioned on Friday he went to the liquor store. I don't think he drank everything on Friday although I can't say when he finished it. One day earlier in the week he threw out the empty bottles. This time he managed to hide them so that they weren't obvious.
After I cut the Latuda from 80 mg to 40 mg it was still several days before he actually took it and kept it down. He has been vomiting off and on. I wasn't sure if it was the Latuda causing this or not but I'm pretty sure that it is. Although part of it could also be how much he is smoking.
On Monday his new nurse visited. He seems nice... Sometimes my husband will comment that we need someone with more experience. I tend to agree ;) I don't know if it's that I'm so involved in researching medications or watching for signs, however I find that most of his treatment team just don't seem to get it. Maybe I think that I know more then I do. I know what I'm seeing and I know what my gut is telling me and I'm listening.
First I got the run down on cutting pills in half... Hmm... Ok way beyond that. I did my research first. I think I may have gotten chastised for cutting the dose as "How is the doctor going to know if the medication is working as prescribed?" The dose as prescribed was landing my son in an hallucinating state that could have had him suicidal if I hadn't intervened. So thanks for the input but my son is my priority not the doctor.
My son was looking at his nurse, not listening to him, and smiling to the point of almost laughing. His nurse was glad to see him happy... I found that a bit ludicrous, no pun intended. He's not 'happy', he's experiencing symptoms. My son continues to deny voices and hallucinations if asked outright if he is experiencing them. It's obvious that he is. Something I have difficulty pinpointing is the difference between intrusive thoughts and voices. Personally I think that are pretty close to each other with voices perhaps being one step above intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts implies that they are intruding or not wanted however if one is welcoming them then one wouldn't consider them intrusive. Still they are not, for lack of a better description, our own thoughts. So I asked about the difference. His nurse explained to me the difference between thoughts and voices. I guess he missed the word 'intrusive'.
Monday and Tuesday he managed to keep down the 40 mg doses of Latuda. Yesterday (Wednesday) he vomited twice. Once all over the bathroom. That was fun to clean up ;). Since Friday he has started with hand movements, like he is flicking something. It has been progressively getting worse. Now he is doing it almost all the time about once every minute or less. If I hold the hand that is doing it, he starts with the other hand. He says that it isn't bothering him however it IS bothering me because I know it shouldn't be happening. The last 2-3 days he has become very needy in wanting me to cuddle with him. Wanting to sit almost on me on the sofa. Wanting me to file his nails and rub and scratch his back. I'm doing my best to accommodate this change and spend more time with him. Last night he wanted to sleep in my bed. Sadly this is something I'm not comfortable with however I did hold him for awhile in his bed.
Yesterday morning I talked to his case worker. She has been with us since, I think, July of last year. Possibly before that. One thing that I truly appreciate about her is that she listens to me. She doesn't cut me off mid-sentence when I'm telling her about what I'm seeing (his new nurse does as have others). In fact she has commented what a good thing it is that my son has me. She doesn't question the decisions that I make when it comes to medications. Like I said, she listens. So she knows that I make the decisions that I do with some knowledge of what I'm doing. At least that is how I'm reading it ;). I feel reasonably confident that what I tell her gets relayed to the psychiatrist with the appropriate emphasis on the concerning things that I see. With all the others... not so much. Even if she doesn't agree with what I'm doing she doesn't chastise me for it, instead brings it to the attention of his psychiatrist.
Yesterday his case worker and I agreed that my son is regressing. That what I'm seeing is not right for my son. I could tell that his hallucinating is getting worse again. He is lost. Goes the cupboard and doesn't seem to know what he is there for. I could tell by how he is walking that he is mentally lost. Some of his behavior has been almost child-like. After he vomited yesterday evening I told my hubby that Dr. Barb is saying no more Latuda. ;) I've tried to give it a chance however enough is enough.
This morning I called PACT and left a voice message as I know they are having their team meeting today with the psychiatrist and I wanted them to be aware of what I was doing. Last night I gave my son 10 mg of Olanzapine. He seems quite willing to go back on it. Yup, conundrum that he is! He was put on the Latuda because he decided to come off the Olanzapine. *sigh* I gave it to him around 8:30 last night. Put him to bed shortly after, spending time with him cuddling. Found out that there was a war going on his head... When I checked on him around 10, he was sleeping and snoring! As if that was a sound I ever thought I would be happy to hear and I was! I don't think he has had a sound sleep for over two weeks now.
I haven't been in the backyard for the past couple of days as it's been a bit chilly. I went out there this morning as when I looked out there I saw a pile of cigarette butts on the patio table. There is an ashtray on the other side of the table. I guess it was too far away and my son has been butting out his cigarettes on the table. There was butts everywhere. Some of them I could tell hadn't even been put out but went out on there own. It's a good thing there is no smoking in most of the house or there is a distinct possibility we could have been dealing with a house fire. I cleaned them up.
His nurse called me back after receiving my message this morning. I sat there silently fuming as he chastised me for making medication decisions without the psychiatrists ok. Finally I got blunt with him and told him that I'm going to do what I think is best for my son. I know what he has been prescribed and why. Keeping him on medications that are not working and making him worse, regardless of the doctor's orders is not going to happen. He kept cutting me off when I tried to explain what I have been seeing. Basically we ended the call with me saying that my son's psychiatrist should have enough understanding of me by now to know that I'm going to do what I think is best. If history is any indication he has yet to go against any of my decisions and I seriously doubt that he will this time either. The goal is to keep my son out of the hospital not put him there.
I think I need to do some research on medications. I think we need one that only affects dopamine and not serotonin as well, as most of them do. For me the only question right now is what dose of Olanzapine. Previously he was taking 20 mg a day which is supposed to be maximum dose and I would rather not go back to that if we don't have to.
Today he seems a bit better. The hand thing is still going strong. I'm guessing that will take time to go away however if I don't see an improvement in it within the next day or so I will be addressing it further.
We had our follow up appointment with ADAPT on Monday. It's at the mall which is like a 10 minute walk. My son will not be continuing with them. Voluntary and all that crap and he doesn't think that drinking 400 ml of 40% alcohol is a problem. So there you have it. I'm going to continue with them. I need the support and help learning to better cope with being the parent of an addict with mental illness. I have already booked an appointment for next month and registered with some sessions on the 25th and 26th. They also offer support and funding for quitting smoking so I'm going to get hubby and I registered so that hopefully they can provide us with free patches!
I did start the process of registering with a company for work from home opportunities. Been meaning to finish that for the past couple of days.
I wrote a piece for a book that I'm going to be participating in. It's currently pinned to the top of my Facebook page if any of my readers who are parents or caregivers are interested in telling their story and helping to support the non-profit that is putting it together. You can find my Facebook link on the side of this blog or by clicking above.
May 17-23 is Schizophrenia Awareness Week. I had grand intentions of creating a whole lot of literature and informational pieces to highlight on my Facebook page and the event that I created. I still have today and tomorrow...
PS: He has been continuing to take his Invega!
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
My hubby took my son out with him to clean the car on Saturday and they came back with these for Mother's Day:
My son came downstairs where I was doing laundry and gave them to me saying: I thought these would do you. Meaning he picked them out and thought I would like them. He was right!
As I mentioned on Friday he went to the liquor store. I don't think he drank everything on Friday although I can't say when he finished it. One day earlier in the week he threw out the empty bottles. This time he managed to hide them so that they weren't obvious.
After I cut the Latuda from 80 mg to 40 mg it was still several days before he actually took it and kept it down. He has been vomiting off and on. I wasn't sure if it was the Latuda causing this or not but I'm pretty sure that it is. Although part of it could also be how much he is smoking.
On Monday his new nurse visited. He seems nice... Sometimes my husband will comment that we need someone with more experience. I tend to agree ;) I don't know if it's that I'm so involved in researching medications or watching for signs, however I find that most of his treatment team just don't seem to get it. Maybe I think that I know more then I do. I know what I'm seeing and I know what my gut is telling me and I'm listening.
First I got the run down on cutting pills in half... Hmm... Ok way beyond that. I did my research first. I think I may have gotten chastised for cutting the dose as "How is the doctor going to know if the medication is working as prescribed?" The dose as prescribed was landing my son in an hallucinating state that could have had him suicidal if I hadn't intervened. So thanks for the input but my son is my priority not the doctor.
My son was looking at his nurse, not listening to him, and smiling to the point of almost laughing. His nurse was glad to see him happy... I found that a bit ludicrous, no pun intended. He's not 'happy', he's experiencing symptoms. My son continues to deny voices and hallucinations if asked outright if he is experiencing them. It's obvious that he is. Something I have difficulty pinpointing is the difference between intrusive thoughts and voices. Personally I think that are pretty close to each other with voices perhaps being one step above intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts implies that they are intruding or not wanted however if one is welcoming them then one wouldn't consider them intrusive. Still they are not, for lack of a better description, our own thoughts. So I asked about the difference. His nurse explained to me the difference between thoughts and voices. I guess he missed the word 'intrusive'.
Monday and Tuesday he managed to keep down the 40 mg doses of Latuda. Yesterday (Wednesday) he vomited twice. Once all over the bathroom. That was fun to clean up ;). Since Friday he has started with hand movements, like he is flicking something. It has been progressively getting worse. Now he is doing it almost all the time about once every minute or less. If I hold the hand that is doing it, he starts with the other hand. He says that it isn't bothering him however it IS bothering me because I know it shouldn't be happening. The last 2-3 days he has become very needy in wanting me to cuddle with him. Wanting to sit almost on me on the sofa. Wanting me to file his nails and rub and scratch his back. I'm doing my best to accommodate this change and spend more time with him. Last night he wanted to sleep in my bed. Sadly this is something I'm not comfortable with however I did hold him for awhile in his bed.
Yesterday morning I talked to his case worker. She has been with us since, I think, July of last year. Possibly before that. One thing that I truly appreciate about her is that she listens to me. She doesn't cut me off mid-sentence when I'm telling her about what I'm seeing (his new nurse does as have others). In fact she has commented what a good thing it is that my son has me. She doesn't question the decisions that I make when it comes to medications. Like I said, she listens. So she knows that I make the decisions that I do with some knowledge of what I'm doing. At least that is how I'm reading it ;). I feel reasonably confident that what I tell her gets relayed to the psychiatrist with the appropriate emphasis on the concerning things that I see. With all the others... not so much. Even if she doesn't agree with what I'm doing she doesn't chastise me for it, instead brings it to the attention of his psychiatrist.
Yesterday his case worker and I agreed that my son is regressing. That what I'm seeing is not right for my son. I could tell that his hallucinating is getting worse again. He is lost. Goes the cupboard and doesn't seem to know what he is there for. I could tell by how he is walking that he is mentally lost. Some of his behavior has been almost child-like. After he vomited yesterday evening I told my hubby that Dr. Barb is saying no more Latuda. ;) I've tried to give it a chance however enough is enough.
This morning I called PACT and left a voice message as I know they are having their team meeting today with the psychiatrist and I wanted them to be aware of what I was doing. Last night I gave my son 10 mg of Olanzapine. He seems quite willing to go back on it. Yup, conundrum that he is! He was put on the Latuda because he decided to come off the Olanzapine. *sigh* I gave it to him around 8:30 last night. Put him to bed shortly after, spending time with him cuddling. Found out that there was a war going on his head... When I checked on him around 10, he was sleeping and snoring! As if that was a sound I ever thought I would be happy to hear and I was! I don't think he has had a sound sleep for over two weeks now.
I haven't been in the backyard for the past couple of days as it's been a bit chilly. I went out there this morning as when I looked out there I saw a pile of cigarette butts on the patio table. There is an ashtray on the other side of the table. I guess it was too far away and my son has been butting out his cigarettes on the table. There was butts everywhere. Some of them I could tell hadn't even been put out but went out on there own. It's a good thing there is no smoking in most of the house or there is a distinct possibility we could have been dealing with a house fire. I cleaned them up.
His nurse called me back after receiving my message this morning. I sat there silently fuming as he chastised me for making medication decisions without the psychiatrists ok. Finally I got blunt with him and told him that I'm going to do what I think is best for my son. I know what he has been prescribed and why. Keeping him on medications that are not working and making him worse, regardless of the doctor's orders is not going to happen. He kept cutting me off when I tried to explain what I have been seeing. Basically we ended the call with me saying that my son's psychiatrist should have enough understanding of me by now to know that I'm going to do what I think is best. If history is any indication he has yet to go against any of my decisions and I seriously doubt that he will this time either. The goal is to keep my son out of the hospital not put him there.
I think I need to do some research on medications. I think we need one that only affects dopamine and not serotonin as well, as most of them do. For me the only question right now is what dose of Olanzapine. Previously he was taking 20 mg a day which is supposed to be maximum dose and I would rather not go back to that if we don't have to.
Today he seems a bit better. The hand thing is still going strong. I'm guessing that will take time to go away however if I don't see an improvement in it within the next day or so I will be addressing it further.
We had our follow up appointment with ADAPT on Monday. It's at the mall which is like a 10 minute walk. My son will not be continuing with them. Voluntary and all that crap and he doesn't think that drinking 400 ml of 40% alcohol is a problem. So there you have it. I'm going to continue with them. I need the support and help learning to better cope with being the parent of an addict with mental illness. I have already booked an appointment for next month and registered with some sessions on the 25th and 26th. They also offer support and funding for quitting smoking so I'm going to get hubby and I registered so that hopefully they can provide us with free patches!
I did start the process of registering with a company for work from home opportunities. Been meaning to finish that for the past couple of days.
I wrote a piece for a book that I'm going to be participating in. It's currently pinned to the top of my Facebook page if any of my readers who are parents or caregivers are interested in telling their story and helping to support the non-profit that is putting it together. You can find my Facebook link on the side of this blog or by clicking above.
May 17-23 is Schizophrenia Awareness Week. I had grand intentions of creating a whole lot of literature and informational pieces to highlight on my Facebook page and the event that I created. I still have today and tomorrow...
PS: He has been continuing to take his Invega!
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Jinxed! A new nurse.
Logically I know that my last blog post highlighting the good didn't actually jinx things. Still it feels like schizophrenia is somewhere saying: na-na, na-na, boo-boo... I'm better then you. I got your son... (again)
By Tuesday morning the negative symptoms were obvious. His case worker dropped by with something for my son to sign so she could help straighten out the disability thing. She commented on how 'flat' he was. One word answers. No expression.
I guess it took a week for the Olanzapine to come completely out of his system.
For a couple of days I was managing to get some vitamins in him although it was hit or miss on which ones. One day he took his multi-vitamins. The next day the B50. Another day the omega-3 because he thinks the multi-vitamin is giving him energy. Now he is not taking any of them.
He has been eating dinners as I have been trying to make things that I know he likes and is healthy to keep him eating. He is not eating outside of that.
His sleeping is all over the place, when he does sleep. He won't take his Melatonin for some reason. This kind-of sucks because the Melatonin we take has 5-HTP and L-Theanin which can help him.
Friday I actually left him home alone for the most of the day. After being up all night and the previous two days he had finally gone to sleep. It was a busy day for hubby and I. Hubby had two doctors appointments and each of them were over an hour. We had car parts to get. Also Friday was the last day of my hubby's interlock condition on his license! If you don't know what this is then it's a device that is put in your car to make sure there is no drinking and driving. He is finally free of it! So we had to go to the license place and we had to go have the device removed from the car which was another hour long appointment. I must say that although a long and tiring day, it was good to be out of the house doing 'normal' stuff. My son's case worker stopped by to check on him since I wasn't home.
Hubby walked away from the doctor's appointments with a ton of medications ;) He has been coughing up some green/black stuff and green is usually a sign of infection so he got antibiotics for that. He also got something for his back. While I'm all for chiropractor first... He was still not getting much relief and these seem to be helping his back to relax. Which should help his next adjustment go even better.
My son was up when we returned, playing online. This was the last time he played online that I'm aware of. I was worried that he might not be ok if he woke up and I wasn't here but he seemed ok. Said he didn't call because his phone was dead but that he was charging it. He did answer the door to his case worker.
Saturday we took him with us to help out my hubby's son with an errand.
Yesterday he decided not to go grocery shopping with us. This doesn't happen very often. He really likes to go but I'm guessing even doing that is becoming too much for him at this point. Yesterday was also his Dad's birthday. I brought it up once but I didn't bring it up again because I know he can't process it right now.
Tuesday his case worker told me that he has a new nurse coming on board. His case worker has been seeing him almost every week however I do believe this is supposed to be a nurse making the weekly house calls. His from awhile ago is on maternity leave. So his new nurse dropped by today. He seemed nice and my son seemed to be ok with him.
I actually took myself to the basement for a cigarette while he was here to give them a chance to talk as I know I have a tendency to interrupt... I think I did pretty good and only interrupted a couple of times ;) It was easy to tell that participating in the conversation was a struggle for my son. I'm surprised he managed to ignore the voices as well as he did. His nurse commented that his answers where pretty short and one worded... Yes that's all he is capable of right now. Actually this was the most he has spoken in days. It can take several times asking just to get an answer on what type of tea he wants after dinner. Not that he drinks it but I keep hoping that he will and take the supplements I keep putting out.
I walked out with the nurse and filled in some of the blanks and corrected some things. Like I told him, I don't know if it's my son being delusional or if he just knows what to say. He doesn't give accurate information on questions about sleeping, eating or activities. He told his nurse that he went to bed at 11 last night. I think this is because he has been told that it's a good bed time. He went to bed at 2 when I got up and had him go. He was wide awake at 5 when I got up. He didn't sleep. Same with eating. He says he has been eating good. Dinner only for most of the week now. He says he has been playing his games. He hasn't since Friday. He says that he has no voices. I told his nurse we call them entities. They started becoming obvious last Monday.
His smoking is up and down. His fingers are brown, I noticed last night. He may go awhile without but then will smoke sometimes three in a row. That seems to be lessening today. So while smoking a lot is not a good sign, smoking less is an even worse sign. When he is smoking a lot he is stressed. When he isn't smoking much than he has gone further into his head. He has actually been smoking the cigarettes that he didn't want (we couldn't return them, we tried) and not even complaining about them which isn't like him.
After several days of me nicely hinting, my hubby actually managed to suggest and get him into a bath on Thursday. I think he has been in the same clothes ever since. Will have to try and get him in clean clothes today after he wakes up. I'm pretty sure he is sleeping now. He had a short snooze yesterday but other then that has been awake since possibly Friday around noon. It's hard to tell sometimes. He will go to bed when I prompt him but that doesn't mean he is sleeping.
His nurse set up an appointment with his psychiatrist for tomorrow morning. That's an appointment that has been long overdue. We certainly need to do discuss his medications and how to proceed. I know I have been hesitant about upping his Invega due to possible lose of his libido however that doesn't seem to be happening right now anyways and honestly it's not something we need happening right now as when he is like this he can have no sense of keeping it private.
ADAPT called me this morning. She apologized for taking so long to get back to me. I let her know that my son seems to relapses so we set up a tentative follow up appointment in two weeks. She also gave me some information on the next family event that deals with concurrent disorders, mental illness and addiction, and who to contact to register. I have actually met the lady that I am to contact. We meet through the early intervention program my son was in before PACT. I have also talked to her at an event I attended through the Schizophrenia Society of Ontario.
I'm off. Gucci is demanding some petting time and the homemade beef jerky I made is calling my name...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
By Tuesday morning the negative symptoms were obvious. His case worker dropped by with something for my son to sign so she could help straighten out the disability thing. She commented on how 'flat' he was. One word answers. No expression.
I guess it took a week for the Olanzapine to come completely out of his system.
For a couple of days I was managing to get some vitamins in him although it was hit or miss on which ones. One day he took his multi-vitamins. The next day the B50. Another day the omega-3 because he thinks the multi-vitamin is giving him energy. Now he is not taking any of them.
He has been eating dinners as I have been trying to make things that I know he likes and is healthy to keep him eating. He is not eating outside of that.
His sleeping is all over the place, when he does sleep. He won't take his Melatonin for some reason. This kind-of sucks because the Melatonin we take has 5-HTP and L-Theanin which can help him.
Friday I actually left him home alone for the most of the day. After being up all night and the previous two days he had finally gone to sleep. It was a busy day for hubby and I. Hubby had two doctors appointments and each of them were over an hour. We had car parts to get. Also Friday was the last day of my hubby's interlock condition on his license! If you don't know what this is then it's a device that is put in your car to make sure there is no drinking and driving. He is finally free of it! So we had to go to the license place and we had to go have the device removed from the car which was another hour long appointment. I must say that although a long and tiring day, it was good to be out of the house doing 'normal' stuff. My son's case worker stopped by to check on him since I wasn't home.
Hubby walked away from the doctor's appointments with a ton of medications ;) He has been coughing up some green/black stuff and green is usually a sign of infection so he got antibiotics for that. He also got something for his back. While I'm all for chiropractor first... He was still not getting much relief and these seem to be helping his back to relax. Which should help his next adjustment go even better.
My son was up when we returned, playing online. This was the last time he played online that I'm aware of. I was worried that he might not be ok if he woke up and I wasn't here but he seemed ok. Said he didn't call because his phone was dead but that he was charging it. He did answer the door to his case worker.
Saturday we took him with us to help out my hubby's son with an errand.
Yesterday he decided not to go grocery shopping with us. This doesn't happen very often. He really likes to go but I'm guessing even doing that is becoming too much for him at this point. Yesterday was also his Dad's birthday. I brought it up once but I didn't bring it up again because I know he can't process it right now.
Tuesday his case worker told me that he has a new nurse coming on board. His case worker has been seeing him almost every week however I do believe this is supposed to be a nurse making the weekly house calls. His from awhile ago is on maternity leave. So his new nurse dropped by today. He seemed nice and my son seemed to be ok with him.
I actually took myself to the basement for a cigarette while he was here to give them a chance to talk as I know I have a tendency to interrupt... I think I did pretty good and only interrupted a couple of times ;) It was easy to tell that participating in the conversation was a struggle for my son. I'm surprised he managed to ignore the voices as well as he did. His nurse commented that his answers where pretty short and one worded... Yes that's all he is capable of right now. Actually this was the most he has spoken in days. It can take several times asking just to get an answer on what type of tea he wants after dinner. Not that he drinks it but I keep hoping that he will and take the supplements I keep putting out.
I walked out with the nurse and filled in some of the blanks and corrected some things. Like I told him, I don't know if it's my son being delusional or if he just knows what to say. He doesn't give accurate information on questions about sleeping, eating or activities. He told his nurse that he went to bed at 11 last night. I think this is because he has been told that it's a good bed time. He went to bed at 2 when I got up and had him go. He was wide awake at 5 when I got up. He didn't sleep. Same with eating. He says he has been eating good. Dinner only for most of the week now. He says he has been playing his games. He hasn't since Friday. He says that he has no voices. I told his nurse we call them entities. They started becoming obvious last Monday.
His smoking is up and down. His fingers are brown, I noticed last night. He may go awhile without but then will smoke sometimes three in a row. That seems to be lessening today. So while smoking a lot is not a good sign, smoking less is an even worse sign. When he is smoking a lot he is stressed. When he isn't smoking much than he has gone further into his head. He has actually been smoking the cigarettes that he didn't want (we couldn't return them, we tried) and not even complaining about them which isn't like him.
After several days of me nicely hinting, my hubby actually managed to suggest and get him into a bath on Thursday. I think he has been in the same clothes ever since. Will have to try and get him in clean clothes today after he wakes up. I'm pretty sure he is sleeping now. He had a short snooze yesterday but other then that has been awake since possibly Friday around noon. It's hard to tell sometimes. He will go to bed when I prompt him but that doesn't mean he is sleeping.
His nurse set up an appointment with his psychiatrist for tomorrow morning. That's an appointment that has been long overdue. We certainly need to do discuss his medications and how to proceed. I know I have been hesitant about upping his Invega due to possible lose of his libido however that doesn't seem to be happening right now anyways and honestly it's not something we need happening right now as when he is like this he can have no sense of keeping it private.
ADAPT called me this morning. She apologized for taking so long to get back to me. I let her know that my son seems to relapses so we set up a tentative follow up appointment in two weeks. She also gave me some information on the next family event that deals with concurrent disorders, mental illness and addiction, and who to contact to register. I have actually met the lady that I am to contact. We meet through the early intervention program my son was in before PACT. I have also talked to her at an event I attended through the Schizophrenia Society of Ontario.
I'm off. Gucci is demanding some petting time and the homemade beef jerky I made is calling my name...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Saturday, April 11, 2015
You win some, you lose some.
Monday night and Tuesday was a little rough. Ok a lot rough ;) I did indeed come down with my son's stomach flu. Not nice! Finally starting to feel better.
That good news I mentioned in my last post... Not so good after all. I called up an old boss and he told me to Google employment scams... Sure enough this 'job' meets the requirements. So yah, I came pretty close to being scammed. Sucks too because I was so happy to have the opportunity to 'pull my own weight' and bring in some money. Oh well. Next time!
Knocking on wood didn't keep my son from alcohol for very long. Tuesday was a bottle of hard liquor and Wednesday was a bottle of wine. Yesterday morning he was asking me about the types of demons. Last night he was all negative about life. *sigh* How to help him see what is so obvious... Drinking makes him depressed, anxious and causes his mind to race. As well as triggers his schizophrenia symptoms and delusional thinking.
He has been a little moody? Not as agitated as I have seen him in the past but it's still there. I have been trying to keep an eye on any signs of his ODD acting up. So far there hasn't been much defiance. I don't know if that's him or me trying hard to know when to walk away or just stop talking. He has spent his disability money for the month so there have already been a couple of occasions where he wants to 'discuss' me giving him more money. I let him know that it's his actions that brought us to this point of disability handling his money as they are and that I am not going to protect him from the consequences. I remind him that we have already spent more then the amount he wants, on him. I have been keeping the receipts just in case he ever wants to argue this ;) If the conversation starts to take a turn for the worse and he starts to get angry then I'm doing my best to just not respond. Seems to working. For now anyways. Although it could be the knowledge that he can't run away from home with his whole check anymore that is stopping him from acting out as he has in the past about not getting his own way.
Thursday he had his appointment with ADAPT, addiction services. I was allowed to participate in the meeting. I gave the lady a short history of his alcohol consumption.
Mar 6: 2 bottles
Mar 10: 3 bottles
Mar 16: 2 bottles
Mar 27: 1 bottle
Mar 31: 1 bottle
Apr 7: 1 bottle
Apr 8: Wine
He also gets these little bottles of something else... So in the last month he has drunk over 4000 ml of hard liquor. Reluctantly he is agreeing to give ADAPT a chance so *fingers crossed* some good will come out of this. I'm really hoping that he will listen to someone else about what addiction is and can do to a person and hopefully they can help him...
I booked doctor appointments for me and my son on Thursday. I needed to get my antidepressants refilled and appease hubby that I'm doing ok. I did have to acknowledge yesterday when I had a bath that yeah I have lost weight. The stomach flu didn't help but I do need to put some weight back on. Anyways the doctor said I'm good. I had asked the PACT team to do blood work on my son to make sure his was healthy. I guess I didn't clarify that I wanted this for his family doctor as well to make sure he was healthy not just for organ functions regarding antipsychotic use, so the blood work they had done wasn't what I thought. So my son now has a new blood work requisition that he is agreeing to do 'For mom' he told the doctor ;) so we can check his vitamin etc levels. Once that is done then he will also get a physical done as I brought up my son's wheezing that he is still doing!
My son wants us to set up the backyard. I still don't think its that nice out today but I think I have put him off long enough and tomorrow is supposed to be really nice. So I'm off to the backyard with my son...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
That good news I mentioned in my last post... Not so good after all. I called up an old boss and he told me to Google employment scams... Sure enough this 'job' meets the requirements. So yah, I came pretty close to being scammed. Sucks too because I was so happy to have the opportunity to 'pull my own weight' and bring in some money. Oh well. Next time!
Knocking on wood didn't keep my son from alcohol for very long. Tuesday was a bottle of hard liquor and Wednesday was a bottle of wine. Yesterday morning he was asking me about the types of demons. Last night he was all negative about life. *sigh* How to help him see what is so obvious... Drinking makes him depressed, anxious and causes his mind to race. As well as triggers his schizophrenia symptoms and delusional thinking.
He has been a little moody? Not as agitated as I have seen him in the past but it's still there. I have been trying to keep an eye on any signs of his ODD acting up. So far there hasn't been much defiance. I don't know if that's him or me trying hard to know when to walk away or just stop talking. He has spent his disability money for the month so there have already been a couple of occasions where he wants to 'discuss' me giving him more money. I let him know that it's his actions that brought us to this point of disability handling his money as they are and that I am not going to protect him from the consequences. I remind him that we have already spent more then the amount he wants, on him. I have been keeping the receipts just in case he ever wants to argue this ;) If the conversation starts to take a turn for the worse and he starts to get angry then I'm doing my best to just not respond. Seems to working. For now anyways. Although it could be the knowledge that he can't run away from home with his whole check anymore that is stopping him from acting out as he has in the past about not getting his own way.
Thursday he had his appointment with ADAPT, addiction services. I was allowed to participate in the meeting. I gave the lady a short history of his alcohol consumption.
Mar 6: 2 bottles
Mar 10: 3 bottles
Mar 16: 2 bottles
Mar 27: 1 bottle
Mar 31: 1 bottle
Apr 7: 1 bottle
Apr 8: Wine
He also gets these little bottles of something else... So in the last month he has drunk over 4000 ml of hard liquor. Reluctantly he is agreeing to give ADAPT a chance so *fingers crossed* some good will come out of this. I'm really hoping that he will listen to someone else about what addiction is and can do to a person and hopefully they can help him...
I booked doctor appointments for me and my son on Thursday. I needed to get my antidepressants refilled and appease hubby that I'm doing ok. I did have to acknowledge yesterday when I had a bath that yeah I have lost weight. The stomach flu didn't help but I do need to put some weight back on. Anyways the doctor said I'm good. I had asked the PACT team to do blood work on my son to make sure his was healthy. I guess I didn't clarify that I wanted this for his family doctor as well to make sure he was healthy not just for organ functions regarding antipsychotic use, so the blood work they had done wasn't what I thought. So my son now has a new blood work requisition that he is agreeing to do 'For mom' he told the doctor ;) so we can check his vitamin etc levels. Once that is done then he will also get a physical done as I brought up my son's wheezing that he is still doing!
My son wants us to set up the backyard. I still don't think its that nice out today but I think I have put him off long enough and tomorrow is supposed to be really nice. So I'm off to the backyard with my son...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Spring... waiting... waiting...
I was doing my thing on the internet, looked outside and it was snowing! Yuk!
For the past couple of weeks my son keeps asking about camping or going to the park for a picnic. One I'm not camping when it's still going below zero at night and two I'm not picnicking if I need to wear gloves ;) I reminded him that just because he doesn't feel the cold it doesn't mean I don't. Hopefully soon we can start going for picnics again. That is if spring ever actually gets here.
I noticed something today when I was getting dressed. I went down a belt size... Hubby keeps saying how I'm too skinny. It's hard to look at myself objectively that way as for me I'm seeing that I can fit into cloths that used to be tight... He wants to be at my next doctor appointment. I think I'm just eating better. In fact I have had to add eating something for breakfast so that I can take my Venlafaxine. So I eat a bowl of Special K now. For lunch it's usually my crackers with brie cheese, a pepperoni, snap peas and a handful of almonds. Sometimes a mandarin orange. Plus a good dinner. I'm eating less and less junk food. Sometimes just a tiny dish of something while watching our TV shows. So seriously I don't think it's anything to worry about but I will have the doctor check my weight the next time we are there. We don't own a scale so I have no idea what I weight. Also we just did my blood work in February and all was good.
I decided to let my grey hair grow in. I know, big step! I'm tired of having hubby dye it. I'm about 40-50% grey now it seems. I did have hubby highlight it the other day. That was fun! It took him about 2 hours to pull it through the cap. So fingers crossed on what it will look like in a couple of months ;)
Yesterday I heard my son on the phone and asked who he was talking to. He was talking to the bank and updating his information. I asked why? He was seeing if someone could lend him some money. At first I was confused. You asked the bank to lend you money? No I'm trying to get Nana to. Ahh... He wanted $7 for a bottle of alcohol. I think he is still trying since I think he called her today. He will have his disability soon enough to spend on alcohol, unfortunately.
I did talk to him a bit yesterday about alcohol and being unhappy. I even went so far as to talk to him about what some are capable of when their schizophrenia is not being managed properly. He thought it was funny when I told him about someone who is currently in the news for decapitating someone on transit due to psychosis. Inappropriate emotional response... because honestly there is nothing funny about what untreated psychosis can do. And sadly him even drinking alcohol can cancel out the affect of his antipsychotics.
I talked about how addiction is a self-absorbing disease. He agreed that he was self-absorbed and didn't care about anyone except himself. I don't believe that... I do believe that due to addiction and schizophrenia he is not in touch with his emotions however it does not have to be like that. Yes in order to feel love that means that you will also feel pain. That's ok. It's worth it to feel love. And I know that he does feel love. I do see it when he is cuddling with the cat. I feel it when he hugs me back. He is just a little lost in what schizophrenia is taking away from him and what addiction keeps interfering with. Recovery is possible if he would just give it a chance and stop trying to hide from life.
He spoke about gateways... He meant gateways into his world. I told him there was a gateway downstairs that if he opened the door could lead to him seeing a beautiful world. But he has to go out there and take it.
He was supposed to go to group yesterday but that fell through. They are still understaffed. They are looking into getting him into the Monday groups that go to the YMCA. He is fairly open to this one which is good so hopefully soon.
ADAPT called today and his appointment is now on April 9. It was a cute conversation. No I don't think I need it but my mom is saying I have to. I just drink and I don't want to stop. Yes I have schizophrenia. I'm with PACT. Yes my mom will be with me...
Sadly we can't find his teddy. It's a little white baby rabbit... He has had it since he was a boy. I think it's the baby to a mommy and baby Easter gift to me from the kids (Dad) when they were small. He had it at the shelter and we both thought that he had it here at the new place but I can't find it. I called the shelter this morning to see if they still had it. Long shot I know but I wanted to try. The lady I blogged about before answered the phone. She remember my son and me and asked how he was doing. She even remembered me bringing him the teddy. She went to look for me but it's not there.
Yesterday evening we went and got him 4 new teddies. A multicolored caterpillar, a turtle, an Easter bunny that looked kinda like an old man and a little grumpy cat that he said looks like one of his voices. I also gave him a teddy that I have held on to that says I love mom. One he (Dad) gave me.
Earlier in the week he asked me about the fact that I'm going to be getting $700 from disability instead of $600 that I had told him I would agree to. My first thought when he brought it up was: Now you want to talk about what we agreed to? It's not important to him when he isn't doing what he agreed to ;) I just told him I'm not giving him extra money for alcohol. Today he was asking to go to the store for oil and onion rings... I let him know that I have been starting to keep receipts on his 'extras' because he needs to start understanding money management if he has it in his head he can afford to live on his own with his spending habits. For the past two weeks I (hubby) has spent over $150 on him. Not counting McDonald's, Timmies or the Chinese food he wanted the other night. I told him today the next time he wants to ask about the other $100 he won't be getting... Here are the receipts.
I have to go... Hubby has his doctor appointment today and is on his way home and I have to see my chiropractor.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
For the past couple of weeks my son keeps asking about camping or going to the park for a picnic. One I'm not camping when it's still going below zero at night and two I'm not picnicking if I need to wear gloves ;) I reminded him that just because he doesn't feel the cold it doesn't mean I don't. Hopefully soon we can start going for picnics again. That is if spring ever actually gets here.
I noticed something today when I was getting dressed. I went down a belt size... Hubby keeps saying how I'm too skinny. It's hard to look at myself objectively that way as for me I'm seeing that I can fit into cloths that used to be tight... He wants to be at my next doctor appointment. I think I'm just eating better. In fact I have had to add eating something for breakfast so that I can take my Venlafaxine. So I eat a bowl of Special K now. For lunch it's usually my crackers with brie cheese, a pepperoni, snap peas and a handful of almonds. Sometimes a mandarin orange. Plus a good dinner. I'm eating less and less junk food. Sometimes just a tiny dish of something while watching our TV shows. So seriously I don't think it's anything to worry about but I will have the doctor check my weight the next time we are there. We don't own a scale so I have no idea what I weight. Also we just did my blood work in February and all was good.
I decided to let my grey hair grow in. I know, big step! I'm tired of having hubby dye it. I'm about 40-50% grey now it seems. I did have hubby highlight it the other day. That was fun! It took him about 2 hours to pull it through the cap. So fingers crossed on what it will look like in a couple of months ;)
Yesterday I heard my son on the phone and asked who he was talking to. He was talking to the bank and updating his information. I asked why? He was seeing if someone could lend him some money. At first I was confused. You asked the bank to lend you money? No I'm trying to get Nana to. Ahh... He wanted $7 for a bottle of alcohol. I think he is still trying since I think he called her today. He will have his disability soon enough to spend on alcohol, unfortunately.
I did talk to him a bit yesterday about alcohol and being unhappy. I even went so far as to talk to him about what some are capable of when their schizophrenia is not being managed properly. He thought it was funny when I told him about someone who is currently in the news for decapitating someone on transit due to psychosis. Inappropriate emotional response... because honestly there is nothing funny about what untreated psychosis can do. And sadly him even drinking alcohol can cancel out the affect of his antipsychotics.
I talked about how addiction is a self-absorbing disease. He agreed that he was self-absorbed and didn't care about anyone except himself. I don't believe that... I do believe that due to addiction and schizophrenia he is not in touch with his emotions however it does not have to be like that. Yes in order to feel love that means that you will also feel pain. That's ok. It's worth it to feel love. And I know that he does feel love. I do see it when he is cuddling with the cat. I feel it when he hugs me back. He is just a little lost in what schizophrenia is taking away from him and what addiction keeps interfering with. Recovery is possible if he would just give it a chance and stop trying to hide from life.
He spoke about gateways... He meant gateways into his world. I told him there was a gateway downstairs that if he opened the door could lead to him seeing a beautiful world. But he has to go out there and take it.
He was supposed to go to group yesterday but that fell through. They are still understaffed. They are looking into getting him into the Monday groups that go to the YMCA. He is fairly open to this one which is good so hopefully soon.
ADAPT called today and his appointment is now on April 9. It was a cute conversation. No I don't think I need it but my mom is saying I have to. I just drink and I don't want to stop. Yes I have schizophrenia. I'm with PACT. Yes my mom will be with me...
Sadly we can't find his teddy. It's a little white baby rabbit... He has had it since he was a boy. I think it's the baby to a mommy and baby Easter gift to me from the kids (Dad) when they were small. He had it at the shelter and we both thought that he had it here at the new place but I can't find it. I called the shelter this morning to see if they still had it. Long shot I know but I wanted to try. The lady I blogged about before answered the phone. She remember my son and me and asked how he was doing. She even remembered me bringing him the teddy. She went to look for me but it's not there.
Yesterday evening we went and got him 4 new teddies. A multicolored caterpillar, a turtle, an Easter bunny that looked kinda like an old man and a little grumpy cat that he said looks like one of his voices. I also gave him a teddy that I have held on to that says I love mom. One he (Dad) gave me.
Earlier in the week he asked me about the fact that I'm going to be getting $700 from disability instead of $600 that I had told him I would agree to. My first thought when he brought it up was: Now you want to talk about what we agreed to? It's not important to him when he isn't doing what he agreed to ;) I just told him I'm not giving him extra money for alcohol. Today he was asking to go to the store for oil and onion rings... I let him know that I have been starting to keep receipts on his 'extras' because he needs to start understanding money management if he has it in his head he can afford to live on his own with his spending habits. For the past two weeks I (hubby) has spent over $150 on him. Not counting McDonald's, Timmies or the Chinese food he wanted the other night. I told him today the next time he wants to ask about the other $100 he won't be getting... Here are the receipts.
I have to go... Hubby has his doctor appointment today and is on his way home and I have to see my chiropractor.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Spring, Gucci & A Little Progress.
Today is the first day of spring! Yah! hmmm... Can't say it feels like it. It's currently 31 F or -1 C. Real feel 5 C. I wonder if other countries do this? I always look at the real feel because it rarely feels like the actual temperature.
Today is also International Day of Happiness!
On Tuesday we went to the local human society and adopted Gucci. She will be 2 on June 1st and is tiny and cute. She seems to be settling in and my son likes her too. He wasn't that interested on the day that we got her. He had gone out and bought 2 small bottles of alcohol the night before and drank them so he wasn't in touch with his emotions that day. He has warmed up to her though and spends some time in the morning cuddling with her. Here she is in her normal daytime napping spot.
On Tuesday we also stopped into ADAPT since hubby was home. I asked about the fact that I was told that the lady from Ready4Life was supposed to be engaging their services on behalf of my son. Apparently she can't do that. I have tried to put aside my feelings of not liking this lady however it's hard when time and time again she proves that her word can't be trusted. If she works with ADAPT as she claimed, she should have been aware that she was unable to do this that it has to be my son contacting them. At the very least she should have stated she would look into it, not declare that she was going to do it. For weeks his case worker from PACT has been trying to reach ADAPT to follow up on this as she too believed the lady from Ready4Life. Even with my tolerance of people that I usually have, this lady still manages to astound me with her incompetence. Even with my son there I could not make an appointment for him. He had to come to the window and book the appointment himself. He has an appointment set for April 14. I also got some literature on family help and hopefully he will get referred to some services that deal with concurrent disorders of addiction and mental illness after he has his interview. Forewarned they have a waiting list...
Hubby has upped his Cipralex again. He did this on his own since he was having trouble coping with where my son is at. I get it. It's not easy watching my son making choices that are hindering his recovery. And I'm sure it's not easy watching me not put my foot down more often. He has been coping much better with the upped dosage and is back to reading his book on mindfulness :)
Yesterday we had an appointment with disability. I finally got through to his worker last week after calling the supervisor, again. Apparently she didn't receive any phone calls from us... Anyways... I wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen however I was hoping for some things to finally happen. I didn't say much during the appointment and let his worker do most of the talking. Starting with I do believe this upcoming payment, the room and board portion will be coming directly to me. From now on there will be a pay direct on his file for room and board or rent since there is concerns over him becoming homeless due to his resistance in paying these necessities on his own. She explained that the office has a responsibility and directive to ensure their clients are not homeless.
She also gave him (me) some information on a trustee through some other agencies. That if he is unable to budget his portion of his payments than that may have to be looked into. I can't say that my son was overly impressed. Sadly though it's his choices that have brought us to this and little that I am willing to do to correct it. Nothing actually. Knowing that my son can't randomly decide to put himself into the shelter system in order to fund his addictions is a relief.
Before we went into the appointment he was talking about asking them to raise his payments as he would like at least $400 a month spending/entertainment money. Wouldn't we all! He didn't ask. After the appointment he started complaining about how unfair it was. That he deserves to be happy. Yes we all deserve to be happy however we all have to work at getting that. Once he commented that death seemed to be the happiest option. I didn't respond.
Later he talked about moving... No surprise there. He stated that the only way he was going to learn how to take care of himself was to be unhappy so that he is forced to learn. Something like that. I ended up questioning him on this line of thinking since he is always saying how I need to be more lenient so that he can be happy. So how he is supposed to learn how to take care of himself if that means being unhappy and he doesn't think he should be? So others are supposed to not be happy so that they can cater to him? He is special however he isn't more special then anyone else. If I could change how he was taught that everyone is secondary to him... You get out of this life what you put into it and the world doesn't owe him anything.
I got our taxes done on Wednesday. Hopefully that gets processed fairly quickly as some bills could really use it ;).
So my son has been 4 days? without alcohol that I know of. He has missed a dose of medications here and there due to forgetting to take at night or sleeping in to long. No overt signs of voices. I guess we have about a week or so before he gets money... Honestly whether I wanted to or not, I wish disability had made me trustee so that we don't have to go through this every month. Just start to get him stable and recovering and repeat.
Going to go make a decaf coffee and see what it's like out. Supposed to go up to 8 C. Also have to look up recipes on making ribs as I can't seem to find the one that I can make work. Hoping to make a good dinner. Ribs, corn on the cob, salad and homemade bread. Lately my son and hubby seem to be really enjoying my cooking! Been trying some new salad recipes.
Check out: Walmart Live Better
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Today is also International Day of Happiness!
On Tuesday we went to the local human society and adopted Gucci. She will be 2 on June 1st and is tiny and cute. She seems to be settling in and my son likes her too. He wasn't that interested on the day that we got her. He had gone out and bought 2 small bottles of alcohol the night before and drank them so he wasn't in touch with his emotions that day. He has warmed up to her though and spends some time in the morning cuddling with her. Here she is in her normal daytime napping spot.
On Tuesday we also stopped into ADAPT since hubby was home. I asked about the fact that I was told that the lady from Ready4Life was supposed to be engaging their services on behalf of my son. Apparently she can't do that. I have tried to put aside my feelings of not liking this lady however it's hard when time and time again she proves that her word can't be trusted. If she works with ADAPT as she claimed, she should have been aware that she was unable to do this that it has to be my son contacting them. At the very least she should have stated she would look into it, not declare that she was going to do it. For weeks his case worker from PACT has been trying to reach ADAPT to follow up on this as she too believed the lady from Ready4Life. Even with my tolerance of people that I usually have, this lady still manages to astound me with her incompetence. Even with my son there I could not make an appointment for him. He had to come to the window and book the appointment himself. He has an appointment set for April 14. I also got some literature on family help and hopefully he will get referred to some services that deal with concurrent disorders of addiction and mental illness after he has his interview. Forewarned they have a waiting list...
Hubby has upped his Cipralex again. He did this on his own since he was having trouble coping with where my son is at. I get it. It's not easy watching my son making choices that are hindering his recovery. And I'm sure it's not easy watching me not put my foot down more often. He has been coping much better with the upped dosage and is back to reading his book on mindfulness :)
Yesterday we had an appointment with disability. I finally got through to his worker last week after calling the supervisor, again. Apparently she didn't receive any phone calls from us... Anyways... I wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen however I was hoping for some things to finally happen. I didn't say much during the appointment and let his worker do most of the talking. Starting with I do believe this upcoming payment, the room and board portion will be coming directly to me. From now on there will be a pay direct on his file for room and board or rent since there is concerns over him becoming homeless due to his resistance in paying these necessities on his own. She explained that the office has a responsibility and directive to ensure their clients are not homeless.
She also gave him (me) some information on a trustee through some other agencies. That if he is unable to budget his portion of his payments than that may have to be looked into. I can't say that my son was overly impressed. Sadly though it's his choices that have brought us to this and little that I am willing to do to correct it. Nothing actually. Knowing that my son can't randomly decide to put himself into the shelter system in order to fund his addictions is a relief.
Before we went into the appointment he was talking about asking them to raise his payments as he would like at least $400 a month spending/entertainment money. Wouldn't we all! He didn't ask. After the appointment he started complaining about how unfair it was. That he deserves to be happy. Yes we all deserve to be happy however we all have to work at getting that. Once he commented that death seemed to be the happiest option. I didn't respond.
Later he talked about moving... No surprise there. He stated that the only way he was going to learn how to take care of himself was to be unhappy so that he is forced to learn. Something like that. I ended up questioning him on this line of thinking since he is always saying how I need to be more lenient so that he can be happy. So how he is supposed to learn how to take care of himself if that means being unhappy and he doesn't think he should be? So others are supposed to not be happy so that they can cater to him? He is special however he isn't more special then anyone else. If I could change how he was taught that everyone is secondary to him... You get out of this life what you put into it and the world doesn't owe him anything.
I got our taxes done on Wednesday. Hopefully that gets processed fairly quickly as some bills could really use it ;).
So my son has been 4 days? without alcohol that I know of. He has missed a dose of medications here and there due to forgetting to take at night or sleeping in to long. No overt signs of voices. I guess we have about a week or so before he gets money... Honestly whether I wanted to or not, I wish disability had made me trustee so that we don't have to go through this every month. Just start to get him stable and recovering and repeat.
Going to go make a decaf coffee and see what it's like out. Supposed to go up to 8 C. Also have to look up recipes on making ribs as I can't seem to find the one that I can make work. Hoping to make a good dinner. Ribs, corn on the cob, salad and homemade bread. Lately my son and hubby seem to be really enjoying my cooking! Been trying some new salad recipes.
Check out: Walmart Live Better
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Alcohol. The Legal Addiction. The Other Mental Illness.
For the past couple of days I have been reading articles and/or blogs on addiction. Hoping that I will find a glimmer of something, anything, that will help me to know what to do next.
"But will your LOVE ever become greater than your FEAR? Would you be strong enough to reach out for help? Will you learn to say NO? Will you allow me to experience the consequences of my actions? Will you LOVE me enough to feel your own discomfort and stop enabling my addiction?
I lay trapped with within the confines of this cold dark, serpent – addiction, and I am… dying."
Lorelie Rozzano
Jagged Little Edges
That Sober Life
Tuesday night my son went out to the store... I already knew before he came back and told me that he had gone to the liquor store. This time he got 3 bottles of Jack Daniel's.
Alcohol is not allowed in my home. Not that that stops my son if he can get it in here and I'm thinking he did since he wasn't in and out last night. A sure sign that he probably has it is his room. One bottle anyways. The other 2 he had stashed, if you can call it that, on the town-home complex grounds behind our unit. Stashed behind a box... easy to see if one was to walk past that area.
Do I love my son enough to stop enabling his addiction? If only there was an easy answer to that question. Yesterday it bothered me all day to know that those bottles were out there. What if a kid found them? What if the police are called? What if I get some sort of notice from management? All because I don't want to cause more strife between me and my son. Because I don't want to push him into having to hide it in the home. Reality is that he is going to do that anyways. Reality is that alcohol is causing the strife regardless of what I do or don't know.
This morning I went and got the other 2 bottles... I stood there, holding on to them, thinking now what? I won't bring them into the home. I can't leave them were they were. So I stashed them in the back yard until I can decide what to do with them. Or do I poor them out? They aren't mine and I didn't find them in the home...
Yesterday morning my son's case worker from PACT called to let me know who was picking him up for his first group meeting. I brought up that I was thinking about calling ADAPT to see if I could speed things up as no one has returned his case workers call yet. It has to be my son that calls...
My hubby got a little peeved yesterday because I bought my son a couple of items while we were all at the store. My son is buying alcohol and I'm buying my son things... At the time I was just thinking how I didn't want to ruin what was a quiet day with arguing or black and white thinking. I didn't want to push my son to the bottle...
Honestly I do know better. Addiction will push my son to the bottle, not me.
I'm no virgin to addiction, being a recovered addict. I say recovered now instead of recovering because I don't think there is a chance in hell that I would put myself back into that life style. And it is a life style. One that I choose to turn my back on because I love myself more then I love being high. I see it now for the hell that it was. "I lay trapped within the confines of this cold dark serpent - addiction, and I am... dying." I decided I wanted to live.
I remember my mom, out of love, handing me over money for rent, for food, for my kids... My addiction knew before that money even touched my hands that her love was providing me with my next fix.
"I am not your child, or spouse, or friend. I’ve changed. I don’t belong to you any more. I don’t care about you. Not in the way you want me too. I care about getting high. I WANT to get high. I will do ANYTHING to get high. I LOVE getting high. I NEED to get high.. and I will step over you to do it. When I look at you, I don’t see YOU. I see a means to an end. You have money. I want it. End of story." Jagged Little Edges.
"I didn’t write this article with the intent of telling you how to live your life if you are the parent or spouse of an addict. I wrote it to sort of shake you awake. Please realize that hoping he or she will somehow snap into shape and start moving forward into his full potential without any outside help or new tools whatsoever is sort of insanity. In a way, if you are preventing them from getting help by cleaning up their messes and fixing up their lives, you are a stumbling block to their recovery. Ouch. Hard to hear, right? I know, you might be angry with me right now, but that’s okay. I’ve heard that people usually get mad at the first person who shakes them awake." That Sober Life.
I'm not mad... I'm sad... Sad because I know that I can't make this easier for my son. I can't help him be an addict. I can't be his enabler, his go to when he needs help feeding his addiction. My son's problem at the moment may be alcohol. Only because that is what is readily available. If there was a pot store on the corner then it would be marijuana.
I noticed last night that my son's voices are coming back. When I asked him he denied it. I know better. His medications were working. It's not the medications fault that he is doing things that are triggering his schizophrenia. No it's not his fault that he has schizophrenia or addiction, his other mental illness. However it is his choice to not take responsibility for managing his schizophrenia. It is his choice to stay in denial.
I know that I do not want to be a part of the problem. I want to be a part of the solution. I want my son to have a future that is not being controlled by his addiction and/or schizophrenia. Since one is feeding the other...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
"But will your LOVE ever become greater than your FEAR? Would you be strong enough to reach out for help? Will you learn to say NO? Will you allow me to experience the consequences of my actions? Will you LOVE me enough to feel your own discomfort and stop enabling my addiction?
I lay trapped with within the confines of this cold dark, serpent – addiction, and I am… dying."
Lorelie Rozzano
Jagged Little Edges
“And I will try to fix you.” —Coldplay
I don’t think any of us sets out with this purpose in mind —this purpose of fixing someone.
If we look further back, the fixing begins with loving someone.
If we look further back, the fixing begins with loving someone.
We love them.
We see such better things for them.
We see where they are headed and our heart aches inside.
The pain hurts right down to our bones."
We see such better things for them.
We see where they are headed and our heart aches inside.
The pain hurts right down to our bones."
That Sober Life
Tuesday night my son went out to the store... I already knew before he came back and told me that he had gone to the liquor store. This time he got 3 bottles of Jack Daniel's.
Alcohol is not allowed in my home. Not that that stops my son if he can get it in here and I'm thinking he did since he wasn't in and out last night. A sure sign that he probably has it is his room. One bottle anyways. The other 2 he had stashed, if you can call it that, on the town-home complex grounds behind our unit. Stashed behind a box... easy to see if one was to walk past that area.
Do I love my son enough to stop enabling his addiction? If only there was an easy answer to that question. Yesterday it bothered me all day to know that those bottles were out there. What if a kid found them? What if the police are called? What if I get some sort of notice from management? All because I don't want to cause more strife between me and my son. Because I don't want to push him into having to hide it in the home. Reality is that he is going to do that anyways. Reality is that alcohol is causing the strife regardless of what I do or don't know.
This morning I went and got the other 2 bottles... I stood there, holding on to them, thinking now what? I won't bring them into the home. I can't leave them were they were. So I stashed them in the back yard until I can decide what to do with them. Or do I poor them out? They aren't mine and I didn't find them in the home...
Yesterday morning my son's case worker from PACT called to let me know who was picking him up for his first group meeting. I brought up that I was thinking about calling ADAPT to see if I could speed things up as no one has returned his case workers call yet. It has to be my son that calls...
My hubby got a little peeved yesterday because I bought my son a couple of items while we were all at the store. My son is buying alcohol and I'm buying my son things... At the time I was just thinking how I didn't want to ruin what was a quiet day with arguing or black and white thinking. I didn't want to push my son to the bottle...
Honestly I do know better. Addiction will push my son to the bottle, not me.
I'm no virgin to addiction, being a recovered addict. I say recovered now instead of recovering because I don't think there is a chance in hell that I would put myself back into that life style. And it is a life style. One that I choose to turn my back on because I love myself more then I love being high. I see it now for the hell that it was. "I lay trapped within the confines of this cold dark serpent - addiction, and I am... dying." I decided I wanted to live.
I remember my mom, out of love, handing me over money for rent, for food, for my kids... My addiction knew before that money even touched my hands that her love was providing me with my next fix.
"I am not your child, or spouse, or friend. I’ve changed. I don’t belong to you any more. I don’t care about you. Not in the way you want me too. I care about getting high. I WANT to get high. I will do ANYTHING to get high. I LOVE getting high. I NEED to get high.. and I will step over you to do it. When I look at you, I don’t see YOU. I see a means to an end. You have money. I want it. End of story." Jagged Little Edges.
"I didn’t write this article with the intent of telling you how to live your life if you are the parent or spouse of an addict. I wrote it to sort of shake you awake. Please realize that hoping he or she will somehow snap into shape and start moving forward into his full potential without any outside help or new tools whatsoever is sort of insanity. In a way, if you are preventing them from getting help by cleaning up their messes and fixing up their lives, you are a stumbling block to their recovery. Ouch. Hard to hear, right? I know, you might be angry with me right now, but that’s okay. I’ve heard that people usually get mad at the first person who shakes them awake." That Sober Life.
I'm not mad... I'm sad... Sad because I know that I can't make this easier for my son. I can't help him be an addict. I can't be his enabler, his go to when he needs help feeding his addiction. My son's problem at the moment may be alcohol. Only because that is what is readily available. If there was a pot store on the corner then it would be marijuana.
I noticed last night that my son's voices are coming back. When I asked him he denied it. I know better. His medications were working. It's not the medications fault that he is doing things that are triggering his schizophrenia. No it's not his fault that he has schizophrenia or addiction, his other mental illness. However it is his choice to not take responsibility for managing his schizophrenia. It is his choice to stay in denial.
I know that I do not want to be a part of the problem. I want to be a part of the solution. I want my son to have a future that is not being controlled by his addiction and/or schizophrenia. Since one is feeding the other...
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Going blind...
It's been a quiet week. My son seems to be recovering and his psychotic thoughts and voices are going away. He is still somewhat delusional in thinking but nothing major. Yesterday I teased him because he was making a sandwich and cleaning up after himself. He replied that he was feeling healthier. Yes that happens when you are not in psychosis :)
The other day he told me that he thought he was going blind. My gut told me that he didn't mean physically so I asked him what it was that he couldn't see. He is having trouble seeing his psychotic thoughts or imaginings. I explained that this was because he is not as psychotic anymore and what he was seeing was part of his schizophrenia. I spoke about this with my hubby and explained that I try really hard not to use terms like normal as they don't really apply here and for my son the goal is not to be normal. I know that for him it can feel like a lose to not see these things so the best that I can do is approach it from the viewpoint of not being psychotic rather then being normal.
This morning we had another little chat. I try to nicely point out that certain thoughts or ideas are delusional because no I can't help him obtain a spaceship so that he can travel the universe. I may be able to do a lot of things and figure out stuff however I do not have those types of contacts :).
Not surprisingly we also discussed marijuana. Earlier in the week I was helping him find a power cord and looked in his coat... Found a pot pipe and screens. Told him it was being confiscated. He doesn't feel like this world has anything for him so he wants to hide in marijuana. Yes he acknowledged that. At one point he tried the: Can we try and you can give me so much every day. My response was: I am not Nana. He grinned and dropped that approach moving on to the idea of getting his own place. All I can do is remind him that it's up to him how many hospitalizations he wants to have before he realizes that marijuana is not worth it. It's his journey I'm afraid.
He would like to have a girlfriend. Well he isn't going to meet any girls by not participating in life. His case worker from PACT was here earlier in the week. She asked him if he had voices and of course his answer was no ;) I stepped in and said perhaps asking how many voices or what they are saying would get a more realistic answer. My son replied that yes he has voices, entities which is normal for him.
Starting next week I'm hoping that he will be more involved with PACT's outings. When asked my son hesitated and I stepped in and said that I would answer for him and yes. Wednesday is there next group meeting were they discuss what type of outings the group will do and someone from PACT will come and pick him up. Monday's they go to the YMCA which again I said yes to. He can swim, work out or do whatever he wants during that time. His worker said she would look into getting him a pass. I don't think she has heard back from ADAPT yet.
I haven't had him call disability yet :( I really should get on that.
He has been taking his medications and it's fairly easy to tell that the psychosis and voices are leaving him. His face is much clearer. He is eating good. He is watching TV and playing games. Maybe not for long periods but still he is doing it. I do feel for him here as it has to be hard to be in this in-between stage where he wants to interact with schizophrenia yet it's getting harder to do. He can 'think' psychotic thoughts yet can't 'see' them as easily anymore. One day he spoke to me about one of his entities that he thought was his son. Whether they are real or not the lose of them will still feel like a lose to him.
Another topic we discussed today was love. I asked him what he thought love was? To be soft like a baby. Translation being soft on him or lenient ;) There are a lot of different sides to love. Sometimes love is hard. It can be a lot of things at one time. Because I'm not always soft it doesn't mean that I love any less. Sometimes making the hard choices is love.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
The other day he told me that he thought he was going blind. My gut told me that he didn't mean physically so I asked him what it was that he couldn't see. He is having trouble seeing his psychotic thoughts or imaginings. I explained that this was because he is not as psychotic anymore and what he was seeing was part of his schizophrenia. I spoke about this with my hubby and explained that I try really hard not to use terms like normal as they don't really apply here and for my son the goal is not to be normal. I know that for him it can feel like a lose to not see these things so the best that I can do is approach it from the viewpoint of not being psychotic rather then being normal.
This morning we had another little chat. I try to nicely point out that certain thoughts or ideas are delusional because no I can't help him obtain a spaceship so that he can travel the universe. I may be able to do a lot of things and figure out stuff however I do not have those types of contacts :).
Not surprisingly we also discussed marijuana. Earlier in the week I was helping him find a power cord and looked in his coat... Found a pot pipe and screens. Told him it was being confiscated. He doesn't feel like this world has anything for him so he wants to hide in marijuana. Yes he acknowledged that. At one point he tried the: Can we try and you can give me so much every day. My response was: I am not Nana. He grinned and dropped that approach moving on to the idea of getting his own place. All I can do is remind him that it's up to him how many hospitalizations he wants to have before he realizes that marijuana is not worth it. It's his journey I'm afraid.
He would like to have a girlfriend. Well he isn't going to meet any girls by not participating in life. His case worker from PACT was here earlier in the week. She asked him if he had voices and of course his answer was no ;) I stepped in and said perhaps asking how many voices or what they are saying would get a more realistic answer. My son replied that yes he has voices, entities which is normal for him.
Starting next week I'm hoping that he will be more involved with PACT's outings. When asked my son hesitated and I stepped in and said that I would answer for him and yes. Wednesday is there next group meeting were they discuss what type of outings the group will do and someone from PACT will come and pick him up. Monday's they go to the YMCA which again I said yes to. He can swim, work out or do whatever he wants during that time. His worker said she would look into getting him a pass. I don't think she has heard back from ADAPT yet.
I haven't had him call disability yet :( I really should get on that.
He has been taking his medications and it's fairly easy to tell that the psychosis and voices are leaving him. His face is much clearer. He is eating good. He is watching TV and playing games. Maybe not for long periods but still he is doing it. I do feel for him here as it has to be hard to be in this in-between stage where he wants to interact with schizophrenia yet it's getting harder to do. He can 'think' psychotic thoughts yet can't 'see' them as easily anymore. One day he spoke to me about one of his entities that he thought was his son. Whether they are real or not the lose of them will still feel like a lose to him.
Another topic we discussed today was love. I asked him what he thought love was? To be soft like a baby. Translation being soft on him or lenient ;) There are a lot of different sides to love. Sometimes love is hard. It can be a lot of things at one time. Because I'm not always soft it doesn't mean that I love any less. Sometimes making the hard choices is love.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Breakfast with voices
Sunday we decided to go out for breakfast. It was me, my hubby, my son and his voices. They were entertaining my son and moderately irritating me. Not in an upsetting way however I did at one point ask my son if he could do me a favor and tell them to go away for a minute as they were pissing off mom ;) I think the waitress had come by our table 3 times and we couldn't order because my son wouldn't stop listening to them long enough to read the menu. Perhaps my request did the trick as he finally paid attention to the menu and made a choice. Saturday when we took him to buy a TV he could barely pay attention to the cashier.
This morning or last night I asked him if he ever tried to ignore them as he will need to learn to do that so that he can interact with people while out in public. He stated that ignoring them would make them worse. I replied that the opposite is usually true. The more attention you give to them the worse they can be and he needs to learn to tell them to leave him alone sometimes. Thankfully they seem to be humorous at the moment although what my son tends to find humorous would probably freak me out ;)
Saturday night and last night he got about 12 hours sleep each night. He took his medications when hubby and I were going to bed. Both nights he took his Invega, Olanzapine and a Melatonin.
This morning I talked to him about his medications. Letting him know that I'm thinking we may need to look at Clozapine again, what did he think about that? He asked if that was a good idea. Well it's either that or we try Olanzapine twice a day as he really shouldn't be dealing with voices like this. He agreed to Olanzapine twice a day. Today he seems a lot more clear eyed and his face doesn't have that combination high/overtired look that I see as psychosis.
I think he finally has his room set up. Mom I need something else for my TV as the dresser is too high. Mom I want a table to put my stuff on. He wanted to use cardboard boxes that I explained wouldn't hold the weight. I had a night stand that won't fit in our room so we put that in his room for the TV. Then I took the draws out of and the legs off of the dresser and laid it flat for a table, putting a table cloth on it. So now he has Netflix and an hdmi cord and can watch TV in his room. He still wants me to get him cable for his room... hmm not likely. Hubby and I don't even have cable in our room as we are trying to keep the bills lower not higher. Besides between Netflix and downloading what could he possibly watch on basic cable?
After breakfast yesterday we brought him back home as he was to tired to go grocery shopping. I did get him a new hoodie and 2 pairs of track pants since his last 2 pairs shrunk. I kept them for around the house since my legs are shorter. Oh... I can say house now instead of apartment ;)
I talked to his case worker from PACT today and let her know what happened. She will follow up and try to get a hold of ADAPT to set something up. Of course my son hesitated this morning when I brought this up. He is so easy to agree to things when he is getting what he wants then.... I reminded him that he agreed and that it is expected.
Next thing is contacting disability. I guess getting my son to call is the best option since his worker hasn't returned my last 6? phone calls. Hopefully I will tackle that tomorrow. Today I actually spend most of the day cleaning and organizing some stuff. Now hubby is on his way home from work so I should start dinner. Steak, baked potatoes and salad. Yum!
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
This morning or last night I asked him if he ever tried to ignore them as he will need to learn to do that so that he can interact with people while out in public. He stated that ignoring them would make them worse. I replied that the opposite is usually true. The more attention you give to them the worse they can be and he needs to learn to tell them to leave him alone sometimes. Thankfully they seem to be humorous at the moment although what my son tends to find humorous would probably freak me out ;)
Saturday night and last night he got about 12 hours sleep each night. He took his medications when hubby and I were going to bed. Both nights he took his Invega, Olanzapine and a Melatonin.
This morning I talked to him about his medications. Letting him know that I'm thinking we may need to look at Clozapine again, what did he think about that? He asked if that was a good idea. Well it's either that or we try Olanzapine twice a day as he really shouldn't be dealing with voices like this. He agreed to Olanzapine twice a day. Today he seems a lot more clear eyed and his face doesn't have that combination high/overtired look that I see as psychosis.
I think he finally has his room set up. Mom I need something else for my TV as the dresser is too high. Mom I want a table to put my stuff on. He wanted to use cardboard boxes that I explained wouldn't hold the weight. I had a night stand that won't fit in our room so we put that in his room for the TV. Then I took the draws out of and the legs off of the dresser and laid it flat for a table, putting a table cloth on it. So now he has Netflix and an hdmi cord and can watch TV in his room. He still wants me to get him cable for his room... hmm not likely. Hubby and I don't even have cable in our room as we are trying to keep the bills lower not higher. Besides between Netflix and downloading what could he possibly watch on basic cable?
After breakfast yesterday we brought him back home as he was to tired to go grocery shopping. I did get him a new hoodie and 2 pairs of track pants since his last 2 pairs shrunk. I kept them for around the house since my legs are shorter. Oh... I can say house now instead of apartment ;)
I talked to his case worker from PACT today and let her know what happened. She will follow up and try to get a hold of ADAPT to set something up. Of course my son hesitated this morning when I brought this up. He is so easy to agree to things when he is getting what he wants then.... I reminded him that he agreed and that it is expected.
Next thing is contacting disability. I guess getting my son to call is the best option since his worker hasn't returned my last 6? phone calls. Hopefully I will tackle that tomorrow. Today I actually spend most of the day cleaning and organizing some stuff. Now hubby is on his way home from work so I should start dinner. Steak, baked potatoes and salad. Yum!
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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