The Proof is in the Pudding (bottle)

A phrase I tend to use a lot is the proof is in the pudding... Basically it means talk is cheap. Make the pudding (do the action) then we will see if one is really capable of doing what they say they can do. Once the pudding is made... there is your proof.

This morning I found 3 empty bottles of alcohol in my son's backpack. Here in Canada we call them mickeys. 375ml bottles. 2 fireball whiskey and 1 captain morgan's rum.

I know that at least one of them if not two of  them are new. Yesterday he went for a ride... To the liquor store obviously and drank at least a mickey last night.

I've noticed for a couple of weeks now that my son seems a bit off. Nothing major but it's there and I couldn't put my finger on what it was causing it. In the back of my head I was beginning to question if his medications were starting to stop working. Now I know why... He's binge drinking again.

My son has an addictive personality. He can't just have one... Once triggered he seems to go through phases of needing to drink. I'm usually prepared for it after his birthday or special occasions like Christmas.

I'm starting to have trouble sleeping again. Waking up every 1-2 hours. This morning it kinda clicked in my head. Before when my son lived with me this would be my sleep pattern. As any parent out there with mentally ill children know... There is no letting our guards down completely.

I'm grateful that he is still taking his medications. That's why I don't sleep... It's constantly waking up to check on him and try to 'nicely' remind/tell him to take his medications without of course triggering his defiance. Without his medications and with the drinking he is doing he can be a step away from a relapse. Sadly that is all that it takes.

He has been spending long periods again just lying there... On his back, arms crossed over his chest. I really don't like seeing it. It's how someone looks in a coffin. He's what I call in his own head space. Not a good spot for him to be in for any length of time.

Usually he is waking us up all night, in and out smoking. How much he smokes tends to go down as well when he isn't doing well. He hasn't been smoking as much at night as he usually does. He's not even smoking weed like he normally does now that I think about it.... When he's not using his main crutch (marijuana), that's a red flag.

Of all the things that my son goes through with his diagnoses, I would have to say that addiction is what I dislike the most. I think I hate alcohol. I only have to look around me and remember my own past to remind myself why I don't want it in my life, ever again.

I'm out of practice I guess... Not that there is anything I can do to change what is happening except pray that God take away his need for alcohol. Geesh... Everyone's need for it!

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2020. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Least I Forget. Little Reminders. Granddaughter.

For those who noticed that my blog was unavailable for a little bit... For privacy reasons I had changed it to private however even with some of the grief that can come with publicly airing my life, I have decided to make it public again. However please note my copyright notice at the bottom of each page and post. Breaking up my blog into pieces and sharing it without my permission is not authorized.

I know how lost I was when I first starting down this new unknown road of mental illness. If my blog can help even one person to not feel alone then any grief that comes my way is worth it.

On to the important stuff...

My son is now officially living with me and hubby. Still have some things to work out with respect to his disability payments and I'm guessing now a couple years worth of income tax returns. It was assumed that the group home he was living in was taking care of these things for him. They did nothing regarding claiming his income with disability so now he owes disability a lot of money covering two years of overpayments. Since they didn't touch this, I think it's a pretty good bet they didn't do his taxes either.

Because he moved he now has a new caseworker and psychiatrist. His first appointment with the new caseworker was a bit bumpy. Not really her fault however my son got a bit stressed out when she kept asking him about relapse symptoms. It's been years now since his last relapse and as you can imagine, not a place he wants to go to or remember. We made that clear on his next appointment with the psychiatrist and caseworker that that line of questioning will only upset him.

Yesterday my son and I butted heads. It's easy to forget sometimes (most of the time) that he is diagnosed with mental illness and little life stresses can hit him hard. A couple of weeks ago he purchased an electric bike which he has been wanting for a long time. He hasn't been getting the correct amount of charge time. It's all new to me so a bit hard for me to navigate what charge readings mean. Of course he being disappointed got a little bit aggressive in his verbal and body language. I reacted... My bad.

My hubby doesn't handle aggression very well either due to his own diagnoses of anxiety etc. He went to the store and didn't take my son. He almost always takes my son on outings with him. It wasn't intentional however he needed to get away from the aggression my son was displaying.

Next think I know my son is well verbally bashing my hubby. Like I said... I reacted. I don't let anyone disrespect my hubby, including my own children.

Thankfully it didn't get out of hand and once I realized where my son and I were at I turned it around. I apologized to him for yelling in reaction and he apologized for being aggressive.

Still it was a reminder to me that my son isn't mentally 25 years old. Even if he is doing awesome, which he is, he is still not capable of handling disappointments and anxiety the same as someone without mental illness.

I would have to say that I was very proud of his ability to calm down and the two of us talk it out. He recognized that he got aggressive and that he has trouble with anxiety and coping with it.

I was also very proud of him during our meeting with his psychiatrist and caseworker as he seems to have no problem with his medications and likes them because they help him with his anxiety and help him sleep. My son when younger, used to have a lot of issues with his palms sweating. He hasn't had this for a long time now and he attributes this to his Clozapine. Chances are he's right. I have not discussed my son's medications in terms of psychosis since almost the beginning. It's always about the things he can see and recognize that helps him. Anxiety and sleep being the main things. He also stated that without his medications he probably wouldn't be working and he loves his job.

He surprised me even further when he told me that he doesn't even regret being inpatient anymore. That it probably did him some good. This came up when we were at the same hospital he was inpatient at before, waiting on the birth of his niece.

My granddaughter was born last month... Momma, baby and grandson are all doing great.

My daughter is handling being a single mom beautifully. You may recall that she lost her husband in September. I sometimes feel bad that I don't give her a lot of my attention and time. My own little world can get overwhelming at times. Thankfully she has 4 parental figures in her life. One day at church I was asked where my daughter was and I replied: She's at her mom and dads... One can never have too many moms and dads.

My daughter asked me for some help today so I should get my butt in gear...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2020. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.