For those who noticed that my blog was unavailable for a little bit... For privacy reasons I had changed it to private however even with some of the grief that can come with publicly airing my life, I have decided to make it public again. However please note my copyright notice at the bottom of each page and post. Breaking up my blog into pieces and sharing it without my permission is not authorized.
I know how lost I was when I first starting down this new unknown road of mental illness. If my blog can help even one person to not feel alone then any grief that comes my way is worth it.
On to the important stuff...
My son is now officially living with me and hubby. Still have some things to work out with respect to his disability payments and I'm guessing now a couple years worth of income tax returns. It was assumed that the group home he was living in was taking care of these things for him. They did nothing regarding claiming his income with disability so now he owes disability a lot of money covering two years of overpayments. Since they didn't touch this, I think it's a pretty good bet they didn't do his taxes either.
Because he moved he now has a new caseworker and psychiatrist. His first appointment with the new caseworker was a bit bumpy. Not really her fault however my son got a bit stressed out when she kept asking him about relapse symptoms. It's been years now since his last relapse and as you can imagine, not a place he wants to go to or remember. We made that clear on his next appointment with the psychiatrist and caseworker that that line of questioning will only upset him.
Yesterday my son and I butted heads. It's easy to forget sometimes (most of the time) that he is diagnosed with mental illness and little life stresses can hit him hard. A couple of weeks ago he purchased an electric bike which he has been wanting for a long time. He hasn't been getting the correct amount of charge time. It's all new to me so a bit hard for me to navigate what charge readings mean. Of course he being disappointed got a little bit aggressive in his verbal and body language. I reacted... My bad.
My hubby doesn't handle aggression very well either due to his own diagnoses of anxiety etc. He went to the store and didn't take my son. He almost always takes my son on outings with him. It wasn't intentional however he needed to get away from the aggression my son was displaying.
Next think I know my son is well verbally bashing my hubby. Like I said... I reacted. I don't let anyone disrespect my hubby, including my own children.
Thankfully it didn't get out of hand and once I realized where my son and I were at I turned it around. I apologized to him for yelling in reaction and he apologized for being aggressive.
Still it was a reminder to me that my son isn't mentally 25 years old. Even if he is doing awesome, which he is, he is still not capable of handling disappointments and anxiety the same as someone without mental illness.
I would have to say that I was very proud of his ability to calm down and the two of us talk it out. He recognized that he got aggressive and that he has trouble with anxiety and coping with it.
I was also very proud of him during our meeting with his psychiatrist and caseworker as he seems to have no problem with his medications and likes them because they help him with his anxiety and help him sleep. My son when younger, used to have a lot of issues with his palms sweating. He hasn't had this for a long time now and he attributes this to his Clozapine. Chances are he's right. I have not discussed my son's medications in terms of psychosis since almost the beginning. It's always about the things he can see and recognize that helps him. Anxiety and sleep being the main things. He also stated that without his medications he probably wouldn't be working and he loves his job.
He surprised me even further when he told me that he doesn't even regret being inpatient anymore. That it probably did him some good. This came up when we were at the same hospital he was inpatient at before, waiting on the birth of his niece.
My granddaughter was born last month... Momma, baby and grandson are all doing great.
My daughter is handling being a single mom beautifully. You may recall that she lost her husband in September. I sometimes feel bad that I don't give her a lot of my attention and time. My own little world can get overwhelming at times. Thankfully she has 4 parental figures in her life. One day at church I was asked where my daughter was and I replied: She's at her mom and dads... One can never have too many moms and dads.
My daughter asked me for some help today so I should get my butt in gear...
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2020. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
Tuesday, December 3, 2019
Tis the season. Merry Christmas!
Firstly I would like to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
All I can think is wow what a year and I can't wait for it to be over...
At church I had my eyes opened to a word that I never really thought about before other then seeing it in the stores on advent calendars. You know the ones with little chocolates in it to countdown the days until Christmas. Well advent is the 4 weeks leading up to the celebration of the birth of Jesus.
I'm sure a lot has questioned the timing of this as I think most of us realize that Jesus wasn't born at Christmas. He was born sometime between March and October. While our calendars date the start of a new year in January... That was not always the case. Spring is the beginning. A time of renewal.
I seriously love Christmas! The last couple of years have been harder to celebrate and this year... I'm going to do my best to celebrate from the point of advent. A time to slow down and enjoy. A time of being grateful for what I do have. Yes a lot easier said than done.
We are pretty much settled into our new 'little' home. A lot to learn and a lot to not take for granted. Water, plumping, sewer, heating, condensation and cooking in a propane oven. All of it needs to be paid attention to and not taken for granted. I've pretty much got the timing of emptying our holding tanks figured out. Getting condensation in my closet and cupboards under control. Showering... Another adjustment on time and water management. Now it's trying to figure out how to cut down on drafts and better heat the place.
When it's just me and hubby here it's not so bad when it comes to lack of room. Add my son and sometimes my daughter and grandson. It gets a little tight. I feel bad when I tell my daughter no to babysitting however spending the day keeping the little one out of or away from my son and his 'mess' is not something one can look forward too. ;)
My son asked last night if he can half move in. He is going off of disability and the group home wants him to pay out of pocket more than what disability covered. I would have to agree with him that staying there wouldn't make sense. I have on occasion tried to look for housing for him. He's supposed to be getting help with this however I guess no one is having any luck with it.
Almost a month ago hubby had a mild stroke. He's gone off medications that he was taking to help stabilize his moods. Between that and his loss of feeling and functioning in his right side, it's hard for him to move around in such little space. Add my son who is in and out a lot of the night which keeps the trailer rocking and disturbing his sleep.
The doctor put hubby on blood pressure and cholesterol medications. His blood pressure is now the best it's been in years so that's a good thing. He's finally not bulking at me trying to put us on a better diet of less salt, sugar and just overall more healthy. Struggling to get used to his CPAP machine for sleep apnea. He needs to get used to it though as sleep apnea causes lack of oxygen to the brain therefore causing more stress on the body and therefor raising blood pressure.
Where am I at with all this? Most days struggling. A couple of times I've been all gung-ho about going back to work. Honestly a part of me is so looking forward to getting back out there around people and helping to financially support us. Okay... Just planning getting out of here. I feel stifled.
Each time I start something happens that makes me rethink what I'm doing. Aside for all the rest I'm in the beginning stages of menopause. Possible about to go fully menopausal. My normal cycle is every 21 days. Yup twice a month. I went 4-5 months where I only had 3. Great right! I started looking for work and ended up with 2 last month. Not so great as they hit me hard and heavy. Spent days fighting off a migraine.
Even if I didn't have to worry about that... Guess who does and takes care of pretty much everything? Am I supposed to work and come home and take care of everything at home too? I'm not even sure at this point how capable he is to cook for himself.
Edit: Section removed due to privacy reasons.
I guess the next decision we have to make is whether to let my son stay here from Monday to Friday every week. Last week we had discussed cutting it down a day.
Oh well... If any of my readers want to pray for us I would greatly appreciate it!
I probably won't blog again until the new year. Hopefully it will be with good news that at least his pension is sorted out!
Ohhh I felt my grandaughter move!
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
All I can think is wow what a year and I can't wait for it to be over...
At church I had my eyes opened to a word that I never really thought about before other then seeing it in the stores on advent calendars. You know the ones with little chocolates in it to countdown the days until Christmas. Well advent is the 4 weeks leading up to the celebration of the birth of Jesus.
I'm sure a lot has questioned the timing of this as I think most of us realize that Jesus wasn't born at Christmas. He was born sometime between March and October. While our calendars date the start of a new year in January... That was not always the case. Spring is the beginning. A time of renewal.
I seriously love Christmas! The last couple of years have been harder to celebrate and this year... I'm going to do my best to celebrate from the point of advent. A time to slow down and enjoy. A time of being grateful for what I do have. Yes a lot easier said than done.
We are pretty much settled into our new 'little' home. A lot to learn and a lot to not take for granted. Water, plumping, sewer, heating, condensation and cooking in a propane oven. All of it needs to be paid attention to and not taken for granted. I've pretty much got the timing of emptying our holding tanks figured out. Getting condensation in my closet and cupboards under control. Showering... Another adjustment on time and water management. Now it's trying to figure out how to cut down on drafts and better heat the place.
When it's just me and hubby here it's not so bad when it comes to lack of room. Add my son and sometimes my daughter and grandson. It gets a little tight. I feel bad when I tell my daughter no to babysitting however spending the day keeping the little one out of or away from my son and his 'mess' is not something one can look forward too. ;)
My son asked last night if he can half move in. He is going off of disability and the group home wants him to pay out of pocket more than what disability covered. I would have to agree with him that staying there wouldn't make sense. I have on occasion tried to look for housing for him. He's supposed to be getting help with this however I guess no one is having any luck with it.
Almost a month ago hubby had a mild stroke. He's gone off medications that he was taking to help stabilize his moods. Between that and his loss of feeling and functioning in his right side, it's hard for him to move around in such little space. Add my son who is in and out a lot of the night which keeps the trailer rocking and disturbing his sleep.
The doctor put hubby on blood pressure and cholesterol medications. His blood pressure is now the best it's been in years so that's a good thing. He's finally not bulking at me trying to put us on a better diet of less salt, sugar and just overall more healthy. Struggling to get used to his CPAP machine for sleep apnea. He needs to get used to it though as sleep apnea causes lack of oxygen to the brain therefore causing more stress on the body and therefor raising blood pressure.
Where am I at with all this? Most days struggling. A couple of times I've been all gung-ho about going back to work. Honestly a part of me is so looking forward to getting back out there around people and helping to financially support us. Okay... Just planning getting out of here. I feel stifled.
Each time I start something happens that makes me rethink what I'm doing. Aside for all the rest I'm in the beginning stages of menopause. Possible about to go fully menopausal. My normal cycle is every 21 days. Yup twice a month. I went 4-5 months where I only had 3. Great right! I started looking for work and ended up with 2 last month. Not so great as they hit me hard and heavy. Spent days fighting off a migraine.
Even if I didn't have to worry about that... Guess who does and takes care of pretty much everything? Am I supposed to work and come home and take care of everything at home too? I'm not even sure at this point how capable he is to cook for himself.
Edit: Section removed due to privacy reasons.
I guess the next decision we have to make is whether to let my son stay here from Monday to Friday every week. Last week we had discussed cutting it down a day.
Oh well... If any of my readers want to pray for us I would greatly appreciate it!
I probably won't blog again until the new year. Hopefully it will be with good news that at least his pension is sorted out!
Ohhh I felt my grandaughter move!
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Sunday, February 26, 2017
The Proverbial Housewife
Yes that's me....
The one that is sitting at home putting away groceries and doing laundry while everyone else is off doing their thing.
My daughter is at the mall, 'running away from home' or me. Dare I say, being a brat.
Something that I haven't shared about the amazing birth of my grandson is that several days after his birth I became his primary caregiver.
As of yesterday I am now supervisor... In my eyes I don't really see much of a distinction in the two roles as my daughter is still limited to two or three hours a day of unsupervised time with her son.
I feel stuck. Stuck in a situation of my own choosing because of the things that I think are important. Family.
Over the last several months I have heard more times than I can count phrases like: You're a homebody and don't like to go out. You are home anyways. You want to be home. You don't like going on these outings.
Yes I'm a homebody. I love my home and have little reason to seek enjoyment or anything else outside of it. That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy getting out of it. That doesn't mean that there aren't times when I want to 'run away' from the stress and responsibilities that are here. That doesn't mean that I don't want to spend some one on one time going for a drive with my husband.
My daughter and I have been butting heads for the last little bit. Mom speaking up doesn't seem to go over well with my children. :)
Any relationship needs a certain amount of give and take. Right now I'm feeling like a much worn out doormat. Feed him, change him, put him to bed, babysit... But don't tell me that I'm not burping him right (at all), getting up with him or question any of the other decisions that I'm making.
If she was living on her own then making decisions on what items to get rid of or what trips she would like to take or even her sleep schedule would be completely in her control and the consequences of those decisions would be completely on here. Such is not currently the case.
Yesterday it was about how she was feeding him. Today I have set her off by commenting on the fact that she is wanting to give away something that I use every morning to feed her son. Is it hers to give away? Absolutely. That's not really the point. Being an adult doesn't mean making decisions without taking other people into consideration. Certainly not the people that are there everyday. However when I say something I'm treating her like a child.
The other thing that is gnawing at me is money. I'm not asking for a lot considering we are helping out with pretty much everything. So yes when I see/hear my daughter talking about doing things with her money when I'm looking at the fact that we don't have enough money right now to cover what is coming out on the 1st, I tend to get a bit edgy.
When I comment on these types of things well she gets to go to the mall while I get dropped off at home to put away the groceries. When I let lose some of that frustration my husband walks out slamming the door.
Why did it frustrate me that she was going to the mall? She doesn't have a key so even as she is getting away from me and my criticism she is counting on me to be there when she gets home. Why? Because I love being at home. How much you wanna bet that right now I would rather be somewhere else?
Guess what... Where am I going to go and with whom? I don't have any friends. I don't have a life outside of the home because years ago I made the choice to leave my job, stay at home and eventually dedicate my life to my family.
My husband gave her his key. Called and asked if I wanted to go with him on his next drive about. My first thought: Hell yeah! Guess what? That will be leaving my daughter unsupervised for a lot longer then two or three hours. I'm the only one that thinks like that. :(
Recently she was visiting family and I'm pretty sure got used to barely being supervised at all. No that wasn't a good thing... She did however become more comfortable in the role of motherhood. That tends to happen when you are expected to do...
Now the honeymoon phase of her return is over and I'm trying to yet again find that balance between support and enabling.
Why can't I expect to be treated like others? Given a certain amount of respect and consideration? Not be lashed out at just because I make a comment that isn't to her liking? Why can't I expect her to step up without all the attitude?
So yeah as I listen to my daughter and husband talk about her working outside of the home. Getting baby daddy a job. My daughter looking down on the job I do have because I don't get paid frequently. My husband saying: Why can't you get a job?
Yes I guess I could if I wasn't the proverbial housewife.
Anyways, some laundry is calling my name. Thanks for listening.
Mom
Gramma
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
The one that is sitting at home putting away groceries and doing laundry while everyone else is off doing their thing.
My daughter is at the mall, 'running away from home' or me. Dare I say, being a brat.
Something that I haven't shared about the amazing birth of my grandson is that several days after his birth I became his primary caregiver.
As of yesterday I am now supervisor... In my eyes I don't really see much of a distinction in the two roles as my daughter is still limited to two or three hours a day of unsupervised time with her son.
I feel stuck. Stuck in a situation of my own choosing because of the things that I think are important. Family.
Over the last several months I have heard more times than I can count phrases like: You're a homebody and don't like to go out. You are home anyways. You want to be home. You don't like going on these outings.
Yes I'm a homebody. I love my home and have little reason to seek enjoyment or anything else outside of it. That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy getting out of it. That doesn't mean that there aren't times when I want to 'run away' from the stress and responsibilities that are here. That doesn't mean that I don't want to spend some one on one time going for a drive with my husband.
My daughter and I have been butting heads for the last little bit. Mom speaking up doesn't seem to go over well with my children. :)
Any relationship needs a certain amount of give and take. Right now I'm feeling like a much worn out doormat. Feed him, change him, put him to bed, babysit... But don't tell me that I'm not burping him right (at all), getting up with him or question any of the other decisions that I'm making.
If she was living on her own then making decisions on what items to get rid of or what trips she would like to take or even her sleep schedule would be completely in her control and the consequences of those decisions would be completely on here. Such is not currently the case.
Yesterday it was about how she was feeding him. Today I have set her off by commenting on the fact that she is wanting to give away something that I use every morning to feed her son. Is it hers to give away? Absolutely. That's not really the point. Being an adult doesn't mean making decisions without taking other people into consideration. Certainly not the people that are there everyday. However when I say something I'm treating her like a child.
The other thing that is gnawing at me is money. I'm not asking for a lot considering we are helping out with pretty much everything. So yes when I see/hear my daughter talking about doing things with her money when I'm looking at the fact that we don't have enough money right now to cover what is coming out on the 1st, I tend to get a bit edgy.
When I comment on these types of things well she gets to go to the mall while I get dropped off at home to put away the groceries. When I let lose some of that frustration my husband walks out slamming the door.
Why did it frustrate me that she was going to the mall? She doesn't have a key so even as she is getting away from me and my criticism she is counting on me to be there when she gets home. Why? Because I love being at home. How much you wanna bet that right now I would rather be somewhere else?
Guess what... Where am I going to go and with whom? I don't have any friends. I don't have a life outside of the home because years ago I made the choice to leave my job, stay at home and eventually dedicate my life to my family.
My husband gave her his key. Called and asked if I wanted to go with him on his next drive about. My first thought: Hell yeah! Guess what? That will be leaving my daughter unsupervised for a lot longer then two or three hours. I'm the only one that thinks like that. :(
Recently she was visiting family and I'm pretty sure got used to barely being supervised at all. No that wasn't a good thing... She did however become more comfortable in the role of motherhood. That tends to happen when you are expected to do...
Now the honeymoon phase of her return is over and I'm trying to yet again find that balance between support and enabling.
Why can't I expect to be treated like others? Given a certain amount of respect and consideration? Not be lashed out at just because I make a comment that isn't to her liking? Why can't I expect her to step up without all the attitude?
So yeah as I listen to my daughter and husband talk about her working outside of the home. Getting baby daddy a job. My daughter looking down on the job I do have because I don't get paid frequently. My husband saying: Why can't you get a job?
Yes I guess I could if I wasn't the proverbial housewife.
Anyways, some laundry is calling my name. Thanks for listening.
Mom
Gramma
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Brown Corduroy and Venlafaxine
I guess it was last Wednesday, after I attended the meeting at the shelter, that my son was given vouchers for the Salvation Army for clothing. I don't know what it is about brown corduroy that attracts him when he is not stable. He got a pair of corduroy pants and a brown coat. When he was in the shelter in September 2014 he found a brown corduroy jacket that he took a liking to. He seems to like the feel of it however I can't say that I like how he looks in these items.
Since last Wednesday hubby and I have seen him fairly frequently. Wednesday night hubby dropped off a carton of cigarettes on his way snow plowing. Thursday my son called, he needed a ride to disability as a check was waiting for him. That was an interesting conversation with his worker. Apparently I was making her feel guilty by trying to make her responsible for the money that office was giving him. Imagine that! Who should I be holding responsible? Avon? Anyways I apologized and stated that I'm frustrating with fighting every system to keep my son stable. He doesn't want to pay me room and board because he wants to buy 'luxury' items or drugs. She received the signed document giving me access to his file yet somehow doesn't seem to have the signed document stating that his room and board was to go into my account even though they were both dropped off and signed at the same time. She wouldn't acknowledge receipt of a fax I had sent the previous week stating my concerns. I can't say how many times I have been tempted to start writing letters to the local newspapers and our MP. I still might...
Eventually my son agreed to pay me room and board for January. I gave him $160 and agreed to allow $50 more for cigarettes that I would hold on to. Friday he was calling me stating that he had spent the $160 at a bar and was out of cigarettes. A carton in 2 days. His case worker from PACT saw him after that phone call and he told her he had $100. Not sure why he lied to her... or me. Friday hubby and I moved so I told my son that I couldn't make this a priority and he was going to have to wait. Saturday on the way to snow plow hubby dropped off 2 packs of cigarettes and $20. Sunday he is calling me that he is almost out of smokes and spent the $20 on junk food. Ya right! Monday we dropped of 4 packs of cigarettes and $5. Yesterday we dropped of 4 packs of cigarettes, some treats and $5. I told him that was it for the extra $50.
Last week I had him give me his tablet and Nvidia gaming system for safe keeping since he wasn't using it. He got into his head he wanted to sell them for furniture. You know for the place that he doesn't have... I told him I would think about buying the tablet from him when he gets a place so that he can buy furniture. Then he wanted me to sell the tablet and game so that he can buy a PSP portable. Hmmm no. I have done this twice now and I'm not doing it again.
He is supposed to get another check from disability tomorrow. He called me this morning wanting me to buy the tablet now so that he can have more money. If I had to hazard a guess at what is happening... It wouldn't surprise me if he is thinking about a plane ticket. If that is the case there is no way that I'm contributing to what I think will be the possible death of someone. Which would mean it's being discussed on a phone that I pay for, behind my back, again. Hopefully I'm wrong but if the past is an indication of the future...
Apparently my son said no to ADAPT for addiction help. He told me that he didn't but I have been told by I think 2 workers that he did. He is somewhat unstable however not unstable enough to not be up to his old tricks it seems. He is missing some doses of his medications. The night he went drinking of course being one of them. Sadly I don't think he has showered since he has been there and has been wearing the corduroys since he got them. Surprisingly he doesn't smell that bad.
Our move on Friday went very well. Thanks to my hubby's family it went quickly. I think this is the first time that I have been responsible for paying for my own electric heat. We pretty much froze for the first couple of days until hubby said that's enough. I guess seeing me sitting at my computer in a sweater, wrapped in a blanket with gloves on was a bit much ;) I just feel bad sometimes. I don't want to be any more of a drain on my hubby's money then I already am. My son does that enough ;) Still I didn't argue when he said turn up the heat. Now a sweater and slippers are manageable. We pretty much have everything set up except for putting up stuff on the walls. Yesterday we put my son's room together.
Tuesday I saw my family doctor for the remainder of my yearly physical. All my blood work looked good. It looks like my iron levels are up and my hemoglobin is now in normal range. I also had him put me on an antidepressant. I think a combination of worry/stress and my hormones are catching up with me. Everything was bothering me and getting on my last nerve. Poor hubby has been getting the brunt of it. My sensitivity to noise has gotten really bad to the point of wanting to cry over things that have only bugged me in the past. To be blunt, I've been a biatch with him since my son went into the shelter. Hubby says I'm losing weight. I've gone most of my life without people telling me I look or sound stressed. Now it's happening too often ;) He put me on Effexor or generic Venlafaxine. Started me on the lowest dose of 37.5 and to double it after 2 weeks. I asked to only stay on the minimum dose as I only want a little help until I can get things back together and I'm going to have to look into counselling. His office gave me some resources to look into. So it's up to me if I want to double it after 2 weeks. I joked with the pharmacist when I picked up the prescription that now it's my turn to be on meds. This is when I noticed that it was Venlafaxine as the doctor called it Effexor. Threw me for a second that I was being put on a medication that my son has been on.
The first dose made me fairly nauseous. Now it's not as long as I eat with it. It may be interfering a bit with sleep but that's hard to tell since my insomnia has been acting up again. I am taking it in the morning as it can cause bad dreams. I have noticed that sounds are not pissing me off as bad so that's a good thing. My doctor also said that it's a good med for menopause so it should be a good fit for what I'm going through. He mentioned hormone replacement therapy however I'm more comfortable treating my menopause with herbs and it's been working until now. I can up what I take for herbal supplements since I don't take the recommended doses anyways.
The day has gotten away from me so I'm off to start a loaf of bread. Make the house smell like home ;)
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Since last Wednesday hubby and I have seen him fairly frequently. Wednesday night hubby dropped off a carton of cigarettes on his way snow plowing. Thursday my son called, he needed a ride to disability as a check was waiting for him. That was an interesting conversation with his worker. Apparently I was making her feel guilty by trying to make her responsible for the money that office was giving him. Imagine that! Who should I be holding responsible? Avon? Anyways I apologized and stated that I'm frustrating with fighting every system to keep my son stable. He doesn't want to pay me room and board because he wants to buy 'luxury' items or drugs. She received the signed document giving me access to his file yet somehow doesn't seem to have the signed document stating that his room and board was to go into my account even though they were both dropped off and signed at the same time. She wouldn't acknowledge receipt of a fax I had sent the previous week stating my concerns. I can't say how many times I have been tempted to start writing letters to the local newspapers and our MP. I still might...
Eventually my son agreed to pay me room and board for January. I gave him $160 and agreed to allow $50 more for cigarettes that I would hold on to. Friday he was calling me stating that he had spent the $160 at a bar and was out of cigarettes. A carton in 2 days. His case worker from PACT saw him after that phone call and he told her he had $100. Not sure why he lied to her... or me. Friday hubby and I moved so I told my son that I couldn't make this a priority and he was going to have to wait. Saturday on the way to snow plow hubby dropped off 2 packs of cigarettes and $20. Sunday he is calling me that he is almost out of smokes and spent the $20 on junk food. Ya right! Monday we dropped of 4 packs of cigarettes and $5. Yesterday we dropped of 4 packs of cigarettes, some treats and $5. I told him that was it for the extra $50.
Last week I had him give me his tablet and Nvidia gaming system for safe keeping since he wasn't using it. He got into his head he wanted to sell them for furniture. You know for the place that he doesn't have... I told him I would think about buying the tablet from him when he gets a place so that he can buy furniture. Then he wanted me to sell the tablet and game so that he can buy a PSP portable. Hmmm no. I have done this twice now and I'm not doing it again.
He is supposed to get another check from disability tomorrow. He called me this morning wanting me to buy the tablet now so that he can have more money. If I had to hazard a guess at what is happening... It wouldn't surprise me if he is thinking about a plane ticket. If that is the case there is no way that I'm contributing to what I think will be the possible death of someone. Which would mean it's being discussed on a phone that I pay for, behind my back, again. Hopefully I'm wrong but if the past is an indication of the future...
Apparently my son said no to ADAPT for addiction help. He told me that he didn't but I have been told by I think 2 workers that he did. He is somewhat unstable however not unstable enough to not be up to his old tricks it seems. He is missing some doses of his medications. The night he went drinking of course being one of them. Sadly I don't think he has showered since he has been there and has been wearing the corduroys since he got them. Surprisingly he doesn't smell that bad.
Our move on Friday went very well. Thanks to my hubby's family it went quickly. I think this is the first time that I have been responsible for paying for my own electric heat. We pretty much froze for the first couple of days until hubby said that's enough. I guess seeing me sitting at my computer in a sweater, wrapped in a blanket with gloves on was a bit much ;) I just feel bad sometimes. I don't want to be any more of a drain on my hubby's money then I already am. My son does that enough ;) Still I didn't argue when he said turn up the heat. Now a sweater and slippers are manageable. We pretty much have everything set up except for putting up stuff on the walls. Yesterday we put my son's room together.
Tuesday I saw my family doctor for the remainder of my yearly physical. All my blood work looked good. It looks like my iron levels are up and my hemoglobin is now in normal range. I also had him put me on an antidepressant. I think a combination of worry/stress and my hormones are catching up with me. Everything was bothering me and getting on my last nerve. Poor hubby has been getting the brunt of it. My sensitivity to noise has gotten really bad to the point of wanting to cry over things that have only bugged me in the past. To be blunt, I've been a biatch with him since my son went into the shelter. Hubby says I'm losing weight. I've gone most of my life without people telling me I look or sound stressed. Now it's happening too often ;) He put me on Effexor or generic Venlafaxine. Started me on the lowest dose of 37.5 and to double it after 2 weeks. I asked to only stay on the minimum dose as I only want a little help until I can get things back together and I'm going to have to look into counselling. His office gave me some resources to look into. So it's up to me if I want to double it after 2 weeks. I joked with the pharmacist when I picked up the prescription that now it's my turn to be on meds. This is when I noticed that it was Venlafaxine as the doctor called it Effexor. Threw me for a second that I was being put on a medication that my son has been on.
The first dose made me fairly nauseous. Now it's not as long as I eat with it. It may be interfering a bit with sleep but that's hard to tell since my insomnia has been acting up again. I am taking it in the morning as it can cause bad dreams. I have noticed that sounds are not pissing me off as bad so that's a good thing. My doctor also said that it's a good med for menopause so it should be a good fit for what I'm going through. He mentioned hormone replacement therapy however I'm more comfortable treating my menopause with herbs and it's been working until now. I can up what I take for herbal supplements since I don't take the recommended doses anyways.
The day has gotten away from me so I'm off to start a loaf of bread. Make the house smell like home ;)
Mom
BarbieBF
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Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Can you be my friend? Can I have...?
That was a short lived... Hubby and I went to get my son from the shelter that night after he called me asking to come home. He had called his Nana and she told him to call me, apologize and for him to come home, so he did. I was actually pleasantly surprised when I got to the shelter. It's a different one then the one he went to last time and a lot nicer! It is in an industrial area, therefore not a bad neighbourhood. The grounds were clean and even though I only went in a small ways, I could see a fairly big living area with lots of sofas, a TV and computers. It was decorated for Christmas. He said that the food was great as he had lunch and dinner there. The people that I did see hanging around were certainly a different type then what I say at the last shelter and for the better. Good to know in case we are ever in need of a shelter again that this one would definitely be the one to go to. I did ask him before we left if coming home was what he wanted as I wanted him to be aware that he was making a choice and I didn't want him to do it just because he was told to. He paused for a moment and said yes I want to come home.
I didn't talk to him much that night as by the time we got home it was after 8:30 so bed time for hubby and I. I did ask him if he was craving marijuana and he said yes but not bad. I asked if this whole shelter thing was so that he could find a way to use marijuana as honestly I'm still trying to figure all this out and what his motivation was. He said no. I asked if he could explain what it was then because I don't understand. His anger got the best of him. He was mad at me because I expected him to do what I asked without giving him a chance to do it. Hmm not quit accurate. When I ask him to do something several times with anywhere from 10-60 minutes in between asking... He also stated that I should be more lenient as his mom. I really can't be more lenient without treating him like he is 5 and has a physical disability that makes him incapable of moving. Anyways I'm done being lenient and I told him so. If he can act appropriately at a shelter, which he can, then he act appropriately at home by picking up after himself and being on a sensible sleep schedule. I'm so horrible aren't I? (sarcasm) We agreed on him being in bed by 12 and up by 10. Deja vu! as we have made that agreement before.
Yesterday I set up some alarms on his cell phone to go off when it's time for him to take his medications and when it's time to get up. Yesterday even though I started trying to get him up before 10, I had no luck until almost 11 when I stated that if he didn't get up he wouldn't get the internet back. He got up right away! Shortly after he got up I'm being asked if I'm his friend? Can I be his friend? I told him I will always be his mom first before I'm his friend. Next it was asking me if I would give our neighbour permission to give him marijuana. His idea of being a friend... He can think to plot out a conversation leading up to this type of manipulation but can't pick up his own garbage?!
The last two days have been mostly him asking for things. Money for the store. A trip for cigarettes even though he still has over a carton. A new pen with different colors from Staples. Netflix. I don't remember the other things. Recently I upgraded his World of Warcraft and paid for the monthly subscription and he's been playing Maple Story, a free online game! Speaking of, I need to cancel that subscription. I guess he is now already bored with the new Wii u. Actually I might play it once I'm done this post as I enjoyed one of the games I played while trying to set it up :) I swear I could give him the world on a silver platter and he would still ask for and expect something else. I know that he is having trouble and yesterday I tried to talk to him and explain that what he is feeling is a result of his schizophrenia not being under control. He wants marijuana and he wants me to agree to him having it as a way to deal with his anxiety and stress. I explained that if we do that then we are just treating part of the problem since masking his anxiety and stress is not managing or treating the schizophrenia that is causing it. I asked him how much brain damage he is willing to cause himself by taking this route, that this last break has done damage and it was obvious that it had, which he agreed. I will not agree to marijuana under any circumstances while he is living with me. If you ever need to wonder what motivates my son on occasion (frequently) to want to move, get away from me and this place... I'm pretty sure this is the main reason. Freedom. Freedom to spend his first paycheck (disability) as he calls it on marijuana and get as high as he can with no one to stop him or interfere.
Last night another conversation regarding the fact that he wants/needs more money and this world is messed up if people have to work to get what they want and aren't going to hand him whatever he wants. He wanted me to agree to not take my portion of his next two disability payments. I don't think so. I'm already supporting him with no income and paying for his medications. The bank is closed :) Then it was that he may move back to British Columbia. I didn't even comment or respond to that one. Really what's the point. Nothing I say or do at the moment will be good enough unless it's to give him whatever he wants and to pat him on the head while I walk around behind him picking up his messes and putting him to bed which I did last night at 1.
This morning he actually got up when his alarm went off at 10. He had asked my husband last night if he could take him for a drive today and that was the first thing he asked when got up. Amazing how well his memory works isn't it? ;) Yet it took me 3 or 4 times of asking to get him to pick up his garbage off the coffee table from last night and clean up the mess he made on the kitchen counter. I keep reminding myself to keep my cool and try my best to ignore this type of behaviour as if I ask him to do something and don't turn away or expect him to do it right away, he will purposely sit down and not do it. I'm serious lol I have watched as I sometimes ask him while his already standing up and standing beside the garbage. He will sit down and say: ya ok, in a minute... 15 minutes later when I start to ask again, he cuts me off before I can even get the words out. Tell me that's not defiance at it's best! I remind him that according to him he doesn't do it because I do it and I'm not picking up after him anymore so therefore he needs to be the one doing it.
It's frustrating that he keeps using me being mom as the reason why he doesn't want to do anything yet expects me to give him the freedom of a 20 year old while expecting me to treat him like he is 5. I'm not stopping him from taking this freedom. I spent about 2-3 hours this morning printing and filling out housing forms and applications. Covering a range of services including group homes, shared living and geared to income apartments. He thinks because his Nana got an apartment for $300 then he should be able to as well. I tried to explain that these types of services are 30% of your income not a set dollar amount and he will need to pay for groceries, utilities himself. He wants me doing it and not his case worker from PACT even though I explained that these forms are by referral from professionals, which I am not. So ya back to being defiant about accepting PACT's help. Probably because I told him that I want him interacting with them more even if it's only to go for a coffee and talk. I really do sometimes think that doing something that I want him to do without it being a fight or hassle just might kill him :) I filled out what I could for the forms and left the professional parts blank for his case worker. I was pretty truthful on the forms and I'm hoping it doesn't have a negative result as there was questions regarding violence (verbal & physical) and a history of property damage. Unfortunately the answers are yes.
I'm off to play some Wii...
Mom
BarbieBF
I didn't talk to him much that night as by the time we got home it was after 8:30 so bed time for hubby and I. I did ask him if he was craving marijuana and he said yes but not bad. I asked if this whole shelter thing was so that he could find a way to use marijuana as honestly I'm still trying to figure all this out and what his motivation was. He said no. I asked if he could explain what it was then because I don't understand. His anger got the best of him. He was mad at me because I expected him to do what I asked without giving him a chance to do it. Hmm not quit accurate. When I ask him to do something several times with anywhere from 10-60 minutes in between asking... He also stated that I should be more lenient as his mom. I really can't be more lenient without treating him like he is 5 and has a physical disability that makes him incapable of moving. Anyways I'm done being lenient and I told him so. If he can act appropriately at a shelter, which he can, then he act appropriately at home by picking up after himself and being on a sensible sleep schedule. I'm so horrible aren't I? (sarcasm) We agreed on him being in bed by 12 and up by 10. Deja vu! as we have made that agreement before.
Yesterday I set up some alarms on his cell phone to go off when it's time for him to take his medications and when it's time to get up. Yesterday even though I started trying to get him up before 10, I had no luck until almost 11 when I stated that if he didn't get up he wouldn't get the internet back. He got up right away! Shortly after he got up I'm being asked if I'm his friend? Can I be his friend? I told him I will always be his mom first before I'm his friend. Next it was asking me if I would give our neighbour permission to give him marijuana. His idea of being a friend... He can think to plot out a conversation leading up to this type of manipulation but can't pick up his own garbage?!
The last two days have been mostly him asking for things. Money for the store. A trip for cigarettes even though he still has over a carton. A new pen with different colors from Staples. Netflix. I don't remember the other things. Recently I upgraded his World of Warcraft and paid for the monthly subscription and he's been playing Maple Story, a free online game! Speaking of, I need to cancel that subscription. I guess he is now already bored with the new Wii u. Actually I might play it once I'm done this post as I enjoyed one of the games I played while trying to set it up :) I swear I could give him the world on a silver platter and he would still ask for and expect something else. I know that he is having trouble and yesterday I tried to talk to him and explain that what he is feeling is a result of his schizophrenia not being under control. He wants marijuana and he wants me to agree to him having it as a way to deal with his anxiety and stress. I explained that if we do that then we are just treating part of the problem since masking his anxiety and stress is not managing or treating the schizophrenia that is causing it. I asked him how much brain damage he is willing to cause himself by taking this route, that this last break has done damage and it was obvious that it had, which he agreed. I will not agree to marijuana under any circumstances while he is living with me. If you ever need to wonder what motivates my son on occasion (frequently) to want to move, get away from me and this place... I'm pretty sure this is the main reason. Freedom. Freedom to spend his first paycheck (disability) as he calls it on marijuana and get as high as he can with no one to stop him or interfere.
Last night another conversation regarding the fact that he wants/needs more money and this world is messed up if people have to work to get what they want and aren't going to hand him whatever he wants. He wanted me to agree to not take my portion of his next two disability payments. I don't think so. I'm already supporting him with no income and paying for his medications. The bank is closed :) Then it was that he may move back to British Columbia. I didn't even comment or respond to that one. Really what's the point. Nothing I say or do at the moment will be good enough unless it's to give him whatever he wants and to pat him on the head while I walk around behind him picking up his messes and putting him to bed which I did last night at 1.
This morning he actually got up when his alarm went off at 10. He had asked my husband last night if he could take him for a drive today and that was the first thing he asked when got up. Amazing how well his memory works isn't it? ;) Yet it took me 3 or 4 times of asking to get him to pick up his garbage off the coffee table from last night and clean up the mess he made on the kitchen counter. I keep reminding myself to keep my cool and try my best to ignore this type of behaviour as if I ask him to do something and don't turn away or expect him to do it right away, he will purposely sit down and not do it. I'm serious lol I have watched as I sometimes ask him while his already standing up and standing beside the garbage. He will sit down and say: ya ok, in a minute... 15 minutes later when I start to ask again, he cuts me off before I can even get the words out. Tell me that's not defiance at it's best! I remind him that according to him he doesn't do it because I do it and I'm not picking up after him anymore so therefore he needs to be the one doing it.
It's frustrating that he keeps using me being mom as the reason why he doesn't want to do anything yet expects me to give him the freedom of a 20 year old while expecting me to treat him like he is 5. I'm not stopping him from taking this freedom. I spent about 2-3 hours this morning printing and filling out housing forms and applications. Covering a range of services including group homes, shared living and geared to income apartments. He thinks because his Nana got an apartment for $300 then he should be able to as well. I tried to explain that these types of services are 30% of your income not a set dollar amount and he will need to pay for groceries, utilities himself. He wants me doing it and not his case worker from PACT even though I explained that these forms are by referral from professionals, which I am not. So ya back to being defiant about accepting PACT's help. Probably because I told him that I want him interacting with them more even if it's only to go for a coffee and talk. I really do sometimes think that doing something that I want him to do without it being a fight or hassle just might kill him :) I filled out what I could for the forms and left the professional parts blank for his case worker. I was pretty truthful on the forms and I'm hoping it doesn't have a negative result as there was questions regarding violence (verbal & physical) and a history of property damage. Unfortunately the answers are yes.
I'm off to play some Wii...
Mom
BarbieBF
Friday, August 22, 2014
Hurry up and wait game
I know someone who uses this phrase a lot and in this case it certainly fits. I feel like I'm playing a game of hurry up and wait. Wait to see if he is going to pull himself out of it or wait for the break. Either way I wish that it would hurry up and happen one way or the other. I think I have said this before! Deja vu!
This morning was another morning of him stating that he must have insomnia because he took his pills but couldn't sleep. He hadn't taken his pills. His confusion on this is not getting any better as I believe that he really did think that he had taken them. He did take them, his Clozapine and Lithium, and within 45 minutes went to bed after being up again for 19 hours. In the meantime I was listening to more laughing for no apparent reason. The laughing has been back since the 19th. He is explaining it away as a stress reliever and that he is laughing at stupid mental pictures. More animals although this time no mention of cow udders (it's ok I smiled too!) which is what he found so amusing the last time this happened. I think it's sheep this time. At this point I'm unsure if he is experiencing voices or not, although he says that he isn't. Of course I believe him... not. Voices are part of what got him admitted last time.
Turns out it was the Seroquel that made him feel like crying. Not the Trazodone. Something else he was confused about which is not like him. He is usually pretty on top of the names of his medications. I woke up one morning to my knife sharpener missing. I know he has a fascination with his switch blade and pocket knives but I put them all away. He asked me about them yesterday and I told him that I put them away. I haven't thrown them out and he can have them back but with him feeling suicidal I didn't feel comfortable with him having them in his room. The morning we took him to the hospital he had stated that he might as well slit his wrists if he has to be on pills for the rest of his life. He didn't deny feeling suicidal...
His case worker was here yesterday. He didn't remember meeting her on the 18th. His psychiatrist decided not to come see him because if the hospital would not admit him then there probably isn't too much that he can do except to have his case worker try to talk him into going back on the Invega. He is still refusing even though she tried to explain to him that if he wants to obtain his goals of moving out and being on his own than he needs to be more alert and functioning. She did comment that he seemed more alert. I don't think it's a good alert, I think it's more along the lines of his mind raising. She had to repeat a lot of what she was saying because he would stop focusing on her. Then it was like he would come back to seeing or focusing on her. While he may not have any overt signs of voices I do believe that they are there.
The lady from Ready4Life dropped off two applications today for group homes. One of them may have an opening coming up around September. So far we are all in agreement that this is probably the best choice for him. He wants his own place but he can't take care of himself and is unable to see that. He will have his own room and be expected to help and participate with chores and participate in daily activities. It has 24/7 onsite support staff and the majority of their clients are between the ages of 20-30 and 60% male. They also charge on a sliding scale so he can afford it. They will help teach him life skills. He didn't seem to impressed when I told him about the chores. I reminded him that he says that he is capable of doing them so it shouldn't be a problem. He also showed some resistance to the idea that they may oversee his medications. His case worker explained that it is nothing personal, they are just doing their jobs, which seemed to ease his defiance a little bit. Or he lost his focus again.
Overall he is barely maintaining be 'stable'. He is eating some. Sometimes he will have some supper but he is not eating like he normally does. Not drinking as much as he normally does. He hasn't been on his computer in days. I'm guessing he can't think or concentrate to be on it. He's been watching TV all night although I don't think he is watching it. He doesn't appear to be changing channels or turning it up to the volume that he usually watches TV at. I know because I'm usually asking him to turn it down in the middle of the night. So basically he is sitting or lying on the sofa with the TV on. I noticed this morning as well that he wasn't smoking cigarettes. When stressed he can smoke one every 15 minutes so if it has progressed to the point that he isn't smoking for extending periods then he is much to far into his own head space. I asked him last night why hasn't called his Nana yet and he said that he didn't know. Again I'm guessing that he just can't think to do it. He hasn't showered since the 12th and I don't think he has brushed his teeth since then either. He is sometimes changing his shirt. One day he did manage to groom his facial hair. I have no idea what prompted that. Ego? :) I have been reminding him to wash his bedding as it needs it. He acknowledges that it needs to be done and that it is a good idea but doesn't do it. The mom in me is having a tough time not pushing him to do these things or do it for him however doing it for him won't change the fact that this is currently where he is at. It would be like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. The band-aid won't fix it or cover it up.
His caseworker did take him to get his monthly blood work done and he did call in and refill his Lithium. She will probably take him to pick it up tomorrow although that means he only has 300 mg for tonight/tomorrow morning instead of 600 mg. I'm obviously not going to send him to a shelter like this, so that is off the table for now. For now it's just waiting... Hope that he pulls it together or has a break so that the damage being done to his brain is minimal.
Mom
BarbieBF
Knife Sharpener Guy
This morning was another morning of him stating that he must have insomnia because he took his pills but couldn't sleep. He hadn't taken his pills. His confusion on this is not getting any better as I believe that he really did think that he had taken them. He did take them, his Clozapine and Lithium, and within 45 minutes went to bed after being up again for 19 hours. In the meantime I was listening to more laughing for no apparent reason. The laughing has been back since the 19th. He is explaining it away as a stress reliever and that he is laughing at stupid mental pictures. More animals although this time no mention of cow udders (it's ok I smiled too!) which is what he found so amusing the last time this happened. I think it's sheep this time. At this point I'm unsure if he is experiencing voices or not, although he says that he isn't. Of course I believe him... not. Voices are part of what got him admitted last time.
Turns out it was the Seroquel that made him feel like crying. Not the Trazodone. Something else he was confused about which is not like him. He is usually pretty on top of the names of his medications. I woke up one morning to my knife sharpener missing. I know he has a fascination with his switch blade and pocket knives but I put them all away. He asked me about them yesterday and I told him that I put them away. I haven't thrown them out and he can have them back but with him feeling suicidal I didn't feel comfortable with him having them in his room. The morning we took him to the hospital he had stated that he might as well slit his wrists if he has to be on pills for the rest of his life. He didn't deny feeling suicidal...
His case worker was here yesterday. He didn't remember meeting her on the 18th. His psychiatrist decided not to come see him because if the hospital would not admit him then there probably isn't too much that he can do except to have his case worker try to talk him into going back on the Invega. He is still refusing even though she tried to explain to him that if he wants to obtain his goals of moving out and being on his own than he needs to be more alert and functioning. She did comment that he seemed more alert. I don't think it's a good alert, I think it's more along the lines of his mind raising. She had to repeat a lot of what she was saying because he would stop focusing on her. Then it was like he would come back to seeing or focusing on her. While he may not have any overt signs of voices I do believe that they are there.
The lady from Ready4Life dropped off two applications today for group homes. One of them may have an opening coming up around September. So far we are all in agreement that this is probably the best choice for him. He wants his own place but he can't take care of himself and is unable to see that. He will have his own room and be expected to help and participate with chores and participate in daily activities. It has 24/7 onsite support staff and the majority of their clients are between the ages of 20-30 and 60% male. They also charge on a sliding scale so he can afford it. They will help teach him life skills. He didn't seem to impressed when I told him about the chores. I reminded him that he says that he is capable of doing them so it shouldn't be a problem. He also showed some resistance to the idea that they may oversee his medications. His case worker explained that it is nothing personal, they are just doing their jobs, which seemed to ease his defiance a little bit. Or he lost his focus again.
Overall he is barely maintaining be 'stable'. He is eating some. Sometimes he will have some supper but he is not eating like he normally does. Not drinking as much as he normally does. He hasn't been on his computer in days. I'm guessing he can't think or concentrate to be on it. He's been watching TV all night although I don't think he is watching it. He doesn't appear to be changing channels or turning it up to the volume that he usually watches TV at. I know because I'm usually asking him to turn it down in the middle of the night. So basically he is sitting or lying on the sofa with the TV on. I noticed this morning as well that he wasn't smoking cigarettes. When stressed he can smoke one every 15 minutes so if it has progressed to the point that he isn't smoking for extending periods then he is much to far into his own head space. I asked him last night why hasn't called his Nana yet and he said that he didn't know. Again I'm guessing that he just can't think to do it. He hasn't showered since the 12th and I don't think he has brushed his teeth since then either. He is sometimes changing his shirt. One day he did manage to groom his facial hair. I have no idea what prompted that. Ego? :) I have been reminding him to wash his bedding as it needs it. He acknowledges that it needs to be done and that it is a good idea but doesn't do it. The mom in me is having a tough time not pushing him to do these things or do it for him however doing it for him won't change the fact that this is currently where he is at. It would be like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. The band-aid won't fix it or cover it up.
His caseworker did take him to get his monthly blood work done and he did call in and refill his Lithium. She will probably take him to pick it up tomorrow although that means he only has 300 mg for tonight/tomorrow morning instead of 600 mg. I'm obviously not going to send him to a shelter like this, so that is off the table for now. For now it's just waiting... Hope that he pulls it together or has a break so that the damage being done to his brain is minimal.
Mom
BarbieBF
Knife Sharpener Guy
Monday, August 18, 2014
Tough Love and Boundaries
My son has been off his Invega for a week now and has had about 15 hours of sleep in the past 50 hours. Hasn't eaten a proper meal since probably Wednesday or Thursday of last week. Saturday we spent 6 hours in emergency. He was sent home with a prescription for Seroquel/Quetiapine. After waiting the 6 hours in emergency for my son I got informed by the treating psychiatrist that my son didn't want them talking to me. I said that is fine but I know you can listen. Filled in some details and stated he is looking for benzos. I belief he was trying to get Ativan/Lorazepam. His reason for coming off the Invega. It makes him too alert during the day, like he needs to get up and do something like go to the gym and he doesn't want to feel like that while he is living here. So the Invega was working and doing what it is supposed to do, in my opinion. He took the Seroquel twice, got some much needed sleep, and is now saying he doesn't need it that it is a PRN. He even refuses to acknowledge that it is an anti-psychotic. Or me telling him that it is, is what is making him not take it as on Saturday he stated that he really liked how it was making him feel.
I love my son but I think I need to get out of the picture a little bit, or a lot. As long as he can continue to blame me for everything then he will never be able to see that it's schizophrenia that is causing him to feel and act like this. I did tell the nurse at the hospital that if things got any easier for him at home that I would be wiping his butt for him. And it's still not good enough for him. He wants me to be nicer. I don't even know what that means anymore. Not tell him that he needs anti-psychotics? Not expect him to clean up after himself? Not point out that things that he is saying just don't make sense? I can't see him not having another break if things keep going the way that they are. He does need his anti-psychotics and he does need more structure. Structure that I obviously can't provide as he won't accept it coming from me. His ODD is in full gear. According to him he is an adult and his treatment is none of my business.
He was up all night again last night. When I got up at 4 he stated that he had insomnia and couldn't sleep even though he had taken his pills. I checked and he hadn't taken them, they were still in his dish. All that was in there was his Lithium and Clozapine. No Invega or Seroquel. He took them but then I heard him in the bathroom coughing/gagging so I'm hoping he didn't spit them back up. I insisted that he go to his room even if he wasn't going to go to sleep. He had the living room to himself from 9 last night to 4 this morning. Now it was my turn. When I suggested he take a Trazodone for sleep he stated that that medication makes him want to cry. This is the first that I have heard this and to my knowledge it never did this. I think he is very confused.
I called his case worker this morning and she came by around 10 PM. She had some information on the shelters in the area as when I called her I told her that he needs to go. I had told him on Saturday that he can't stay here if he is not going to take his medications as prescribed or with the attitude that I not be a part of his treatment. The meeting didn't go to good. He was having a lot of trouble following what she was saying. He basically asked her to leave stating the he was too tired to talk to anyone.
So here I am at 12:44 PM and I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to help him accept what he needs to accept. Me being his mother is getting in the way of him accepting responsibility for his own life and choices. He is relying on me as mom in every way that a child would yet insisting that he's an adult. I know that it is his schizophrenia and ODD that is causing this however I can't see this changing unless his current circumstances change. Without me as a scapegoat perhaps he will be able to look at things differently. Or not. However I think it's time to find out just how sick or capable he really is. More importantly he needs to find this out for himself. Between PACT and Ready4Life he has so much support available to him.
Hopefully I will hear back from his case worker today. I know that the two shelters she called were full this morning. The shelters are not like drop in community centers or soup kitchens. They are staffed with onsite personnel that oversee his medications, have structured meal times and people available to him for support including mental health.
Mom
BarbieBF
I love my son but I think I need to get out of the picture a little bit, or a lot. As long as he can continue to blame me for everything then he will never be able to see that it's schizophrenia that is causing him to feel and act like this. I did tell the nurse at the hospital that if things got any easier for him at home that I would be wiping his butt for him. And it's still not good enough for him. He wants me to be nicer. I don't even know what that means anymore. Not tell him that he needs anti-psychotics? Not expect him to clean up after himself? Not point out that things that he is saying just don't make sense? I can't see him not having another break if things keep going the way that they are. He does need his anti-psychotics and he does need more structure. Structure that I obviously can't provide as he won't accept it coming from me. His ODD is in full gear. According to him he is an adult and his treatment is none of my business.
He was up all night again last night. When I got up at 4 he stated that he had insomnia and couldn't sleep even though he had taken his pills. I checked and he hadn't taken them, they were still in his dish. All that was in there was his Lithium and Clozapine. No Invega or Seroquel. He took them but then I heard him in the bathroom coughing/gagging so I'm hoping he didn't spit them back up. I insisted that he go to his room even if he wasn't going to go to sleep. He had the living room to himself from 9 last night to 4 this morning. Now it was my turn. When I suggested he take a Trazodone for sleep he stated that that medication makes him want to cry. This is the first that I have heard this and to my knowledge it never did this. I think he is very confused.
I called his case worker this morning and she came by around 10 PM. She had some information on the shelters in the area as when I called her I told her that he needs to go. I had told him on Saturday that he can't stay here if he is not going to take his medications as prescribed or with the attitude that I not be a part of his treatment. The meeting didn't go to good. He was having a lot of trouble following what she was saying. He basically asked her to leave stating the he was too tired to talk to anyone.
So here I am at 12:44 PM and I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to help him accept what he needs to accept. Me being his mother is getting in the way of him accepting responsibility for his own life and choices. He is relying on me as mom in every way that a child would yet insisting that he's an adult. I know that it is his schizophrenia and ODD that is causing this however I can't see this changing unless his current circumstances change. Without me as a scapegoat perhaps he will be able to look at things differently. Or not. However I think it's time to find out just how sick or capable he really is. More importantly he needs to find this out for himself. Between PACT and Ready4Life he has so much support available to him.
Hopefully I will hear back from his case worker today. I know that the two shelters she called were full this morning. The shelters are not like drop in community centers or soup kitchens. They are staffed with onsite personnel that oversee his medications, have structured meal times and people available to him for support including mental health.
Mom
BarbieBF
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Between a Rock and a Hard Place.
I have not been so unsure of what to do in a long time. My heart is aching, my brain is saying it's time and I'm stuck, just stuck! No one can tell me what to do and no one can know what the outcome will be. I sometimes wonder about parent/caregiver PTSD. Watching our loved ones go through psychotic breaks and episodes is traumatic. Even when stable the fear of if/when the next break will happen is a daily concern and worry. We live with the anxiety and stress of questioning everything that we do. Is this the right choice? Will this work or make things worse? What if what I'm doing is wrong? and even What if what I'm doing is right? Then what? When things are tough we put our heads down, square our shoulders and pray for the strength to just get through one more day. We have learned to ride the waves, so to speak, and to hope for calmer waters. Then one day those waves abate just a little bit and we can look up. New uncharted territory. Do we pull ashore or keep riding the waves we now have intimate knowledge of? Christopher Columbus would not have discovered a new continent if he had stayed in the boat!
I woke up this morning to the usual mess in my kitchen and living room with my son snoring away on the sofa. Again he had not taken his pills until sometime this morning. I call his name and he sits up. The sofa is soaked with his sweat. Sweat that smells like hot sauce. After several attempts and incoherent responses I finally get him off the sofa and tell him he needs to clean up some of this mess as my husband won't be able to find room to even make his lunch for work. He managed to pick up a couple of items from the coffee table before heading to the bathroom to hug the toilet. A result of him being mobile while sedating meds are strong in his system or something else, as he has been going for 'walks' again. He must not have been very coherent when he was eating a bowl of canned ravioli as it was smeared on the sofa and on the floor. So it's 4:30 AM and I'm spot cleaning the sofa! Not a happy camper but I hold my tongue, put on some coffee since I'm obviously up, then talk him into moving from the bathroom to his bed so I can go pee. This is one boat that I don't want to be on anymore!
But! What will happen when he's on his own and there is no one that loves him watching out for him? Are his roommates going to tolerate even a quarter of what I tolerate? I have visions of him looking and smelling like a bum. Dirty laundry, dirty bedding. Garbage filled room. Not eating right. Perhaps even missed medications with un-monitored marijuana use. I see a psychotic break in the makings. PTSD or being realistic?
So I'm stuck between this proverbial rock and a hard place. My head is saying it's time to let go and my heart is saying but my little boy... There in lies perhaps a very important truth. He will always be my little boy but he is no longer a little boy. If I don't step back then I am only stunting him further as he will never learn to take responsibility for his own life and self-care. He will continue to have unrealistic expectations of both himself and those around him. The thought of him being 30 and us still treading the same waters is perhaps my life line. I can't imagine another 10 years of being maid and minion to my adult son.
His nurse said to me this morning: He is the one always saying that he is an adult and wants to be treated like one. She also pointed out that him moving out doesn't mean that I will never see him again. I tell myself that kids grow up and move away from home everyday. Granted most of those kids have a firmer grasp on reality and don't have cognitive deficits. They have learned through school and part time jobs, good and bad, how things work. On the up side my son has a network of people willing to help him. Until now I have been the one doing the asking for him. Baby steps mama! I need to step back and he needs to step up! Have I talked myself into letting this happen yet? I think so... *pushes me the rock out of the way and baby steps around it*
An article on Caregivers & PTSD: http://dontloseheart.org/
Mom
BarbieBF
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
I wear the Serenity Prayer on a charm on my necklace. My mom bought it for me in 2001, not long before she passed away, when I was on my first attempt to get clean from addiction. It held meaning for us both then and today I find myself revisiting it's meaning yet again.
Above picture credit to: Etsy
My normal optimism had deserted me for a little bit. I tried to blame it on PMS which I'm sure played it's part but I also recognize that there are things going on that are making me feel sad. My daughter left yesterday to go back home with her dad. I miss her already. This journey I find my son and I on is, as usual, keeping me on my toes but underneath all that is a sadness that has been building up for some time now. I find myself reading and rereading these words and realizing that once again I need to apply it's wisdom to my own life.
A couple of days ago my mom's birth sister contacted me wanting to met up with my sister and I at an Elvis Festival going on this weekend. For those who are not aware an Elvis Festival is were Elvis Tribute Artists (ETA's) compete and show their love for Elvis Presley. For several years my older sister and I bonded and rebuilt our relationship through a mutual love of Elvis's music. Granted I had no idea about any of this the first time my sister asked me to go to Akron to see an ETA with her. Go where? To see a what? I still chuckle over the memory of that conversation. Anyways fast forward to January of this year and we had a falling out. Sadly over money and other things. I take full responsibility for the falling out as it is my quest for answers that has caused this rift. I find that without the answers, or proof of the answers I am getting, that I am unable to continue the relationship. Add in years of hurt and misunderstandings and I now find myself without not one but two sisters. My younger sister has also cut off communicating with me and I can only guess that it is a result of the falling out with my older sister as we were communicating up until that point. Since then she has not responded to me so I can only assume since she won't even confirm one way or the other her reasons. I have tried to put it behind me and I try to pretend like it doesn't hurt since the choice to walk away was mine. Well enough of pretending. It does hurt and it hurts more then I thought that it would. Not so much the current rift but the reasons leading up to it. So I read the words of the above prayer. I had finally found the courage to ask the questions that had been haunting me for a very long time. Questions that are still in my mind unanswered. Now I need the serenity to accept what I cannot change. Family can be hard sometimes. I see it also with other blogs that I follow. Hurt and misunderstandings that get in the way of the love that we share. Our own hurts and their hurts. Walking away doesn't lessen the pain nor the love so I guess acceptance is what we are left with and hopefully having the wisdom to know that which we cannot change can bring us the serenity that we seek.
I'm afraid we missed our appointment today with Ready4Life. We were 15 mintues late and just missed her. Rescheduled to Friday. Still have to get him down for blood work.
My son's psychiatrist appointment yesterday went well. We discussed, or I tried to discuss, my son's diagnose(s). Officially schizophrenia with concurrent disorders... The concurrent disorders being unofficially addiction, ADHD and ODD and per my son OCD. As my hubby sometimes jokes 'So we are playing the alphabet game.' Really in the end they are only letters of the alphabet. As long as we are taking care of symptoms or helping to lessen the 'stress' that he is going through then we are doing our jobs. My son agreed to a switch from Risperidone to Invega. No change in his Clozapine and we need to try and get him back on his Neurontin. His pdoc expressed concerns to my son that we do not want him relapsing and what he is currently experiencing may be an indication or leading up to what his previous breaks have been.
I find myself yet again at an acceptance crossroads. I have had to re-evaluate my own acceptance of my son's schizophrenia. My son has schizophrenia. There is a sadness yet a serenity in my own coming to terms with this. Accept the things I cannot change. There are so many things that I cannot change at the moment. His Nana's feelings towards me. That my daughter is there and not here. That my sisters are not currently a part of my family life. That we are in a lot of debt and my downstairs neighbor seems unable to keep her base from vibrating my floor. ;) Figured I would through the last two in there. However there are things that I am now learning to have the courage to do. I have been able to make my family, my husband and my children, the priority that they need to be in my life. I am doing my best to increase mental illness awareness and to help those that I can even if it's only to show support through my own experiences. I am where and who I need to be. As for my son's schizophrenia: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it... However I can and I will continue to be, to the best of my ability, the support that he needs me to be.
Mom
BarbieBF
Above picture credit to: Etsy
My normal optimism had deserted me for a little bit. I tried to blame it on PMS which I'm sure played it's part but I also recognize that there are things going on that are making me feel sad. My daughter left yesterday to go back home with her dad. I miss her already. This journey I find my son and I on is, as usual, keeping me on my toes but underneath all that is a sadness that has been building up for some time now. I find myself reading and rereading these words and realizing that once again I need to apply it's wisdom to my own life.
A couple of days ago my mom's birth sister contacted me wanting to met up with my sister and I at an Elvis Festival going on this weekend. For those who are not aware an Elvis Festival is were Elvis Tribute Artists (ETA's) compete and show their love for Elvis Presley. For several years my older sister and I bonded and rebuilt our relationship through a mutual love of Elvis's music. Granted I had no idea about any of this the first time my sister asked me to go to Akron to see an ETA with her. Go where? To see a what? I still chuckle over the memory of that conversation. Anyways fast forward to January of this year and we had a falling out. Sadly over money and other things. I take full responsibility for the falling out as it is my quest for answers that has caused this rift. I find that without the answers, or proof of the answers I am getting, that I am unable to continue the relationship. Add in years of hurt and misunderstandings and I now find myself without not one but two sisters. My younger sister has also cut off communicating with me and I can only guess that it is a result of the falling out with my older sister as we were communicating up until that point. Since then she has not responded to me so I can only assume since she won't even confirm one way or the other her reasons. I have tried to put it behind me and I try to pretend like it doesn't hurt since the choice to walk away was mine. Well enough of pretending. It does hurt and it hurts more then I thought that it would. Not so much the current rift but the reasons leading up to it. So I read the words of the above prayer. I had finally found the courage to ask the questions that had been haunting me for a very long time. Questions that are still in my mind unanswered. Now I need the serenity to accept what I cannot change. Family can be hard sometimes. I see it also with other blogs that I follow. Hurt and misunderstandings that get in the way of the love that we share. Our own hurts and their hurts. Walking away doesn't lessen the pain nor the love so I guess acceptance is what we are left with and hopefully having the wisdom to know that which we cannot change can bring us the serenity that we seek.
I'm afraid we missed our appointment today with Ready4Life. We were 15 mintues late and just missed her. Rescheduled to Friday. Still have to get him down for blood work.
My son's psychiatrist appointment yesterday went well. We discussed, or I tried to discuss, my son's diagnose(s). Officially schizophrenia with concurrent disorders... The concurrent disorders being unofficially addiction, ADHD and ODD and per my son OCD. As my hubby sometimes jokes 'So we are playing the alphabet game.' Really in the end they are only letters of the alphabet. As long as we are taking care of symptoms or helping to lessen the 'stress' that he is going through then we are doing our jobs. My son agreed to a switch from Risperidone to Invega. No change in his Clozapine and we need to try and get him back on his Neurontin. His pdoc expressed concerns to my son that we do not want him relapsing and what he is currently experiencing may be an indication or leading up to what his previous breaks have been.
I find myself yet again at an acceptance crossroads. I have had to re-evaluate my own acceptance of my son's schizophrenia. My son has schizophrenia. There is a sadness yet a serenity in my own coming to terms with this. Accept the things I cannot change. There are so many things that I cannot change at the moment. His Nana's feelings towards me. That my daughter is there and not here. That my sisters are not currently a part of my family life. That we are in a lot of debt and my downstairs neighbor seems unable to keep her base from vibrating my floor. ;) Figured I would through the last two in there. However there are things that I am now learning to have the courage to do. I have been able to make my family, my husband and my children, the priority that they need to be in my life. I am doing my best to increase mental illness awareness and to help those that I can even if it's only to show support through my own experiences. I am where and who I need to be. As for my son's schizophrenia: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it... However I can and I will continue to be, to the best of my ability, the support that he needs me to be.
Mom
BarbieBF
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Oops. Things not always as they appear...
Most of the time I think I have a pretty good grasp on what is happening but sometimes I have to acknowledge that I can be wrong. Yes I can do that ;) Yesterday my son asked me if I had seen his vaporizer as he thought someone had stolen it. I told him that I had it and why. He had a good explanation. During our last grocery shop I bought him a light wave speaker. He is using the charged vaporizer to power the speaker so that he can move it around with him. He pointed out that he can't use the vaporizer for weed as he would have to make it into liquid first. Yes I know but I couldn't rule out him doing this. So for now the use of the vaporizer has been explained.
My son is struggling right now and I'm not to sure how to help him. He told me yesterday that he has been asked to not attend the YMCA for schooling as he is not progressing. I will have to call or email them on Monday as I'm thinking there is a little more to it then that. I remember when he had his first appointment with them to sign up, being told that they have some who have been there for a long time as they can work at their own pace, so I'm not to sure I understand what is happening. Perhaps he is being nudged into applying himself more? He said that he can't do it so he will have to start looking for a job. If he can't apply himself to 6 hours a week schooling then chances are he can't apply himself to learn a job. He seems to think that working is easy and takes no mental effort. Delusion or immature thinking? Since he doesn't have much personal experience to draw from on this then I'm thinking lack of experience or immature thinking. We both agreed that he will have to learn for himself that it does take mental effort to do a job.
He said that he can't put into words the 'stress' that he is currently experiencing that maybe one day he could explain it to me so that I can understand. Personally I don't think that he even understands the stress that he is feeling as he doesn't want to or can't understand the negative impact of symptoms. It's times like this that I myself have to re-evaluate my opinion on whether or not my son has schizophrenia. I explained to him that there is more to schizophrenia then positive symptoms like hallucinations and voices. There is also negative symptoms which get in the way of people's ability to cope with normal life stresses. On the surface his life can not, in my opinion, get much easier. I pointed out that he was doing great up until the Adderall and nothing else has changed so it's his inability to cope that needs to be looked at. I took a leap and suggested that maybe we need to look at upping his anti-psychotics for a little bit until things can get under control again. He doesn't want to be on pills for the rest of his life. 'I would rather die...' My heart hurt when I told him that he may need to be on pills for the rest of his life if he does in fact have schizophrenia.
He seems to understand that he needs help however he wants to be prescribed benzodiazepines even though he knows that he will not have an easy time getting them. He also doesn't want anti-depressants. I know that he doesn't like being on the Clozapine and doesn't want to be on another anti-psychotic since in his eyes he doesn't need them. I don't know how to help him come to terms with this and I am afraid to push and cause his ODD to flare up. I don't know if it's his ADHD or schizophrenia symptoms but for the past couple of days he has been pretty jittery. Not really hyper like I have seen where he is punching his bed or hitting walls or jumping like a 5 year old but like a muted undertone of something not right. Maybe it's time to look into another medication. I know that he has been tried on a lot of them but they were during times of chronic high marijuana use and nothing seemed to help except the Clozapine. I have heard of some good results with Latuda. It's an atypical or new generation AP that seems to work on blocking or antagonizing dopamine D2 receptors. No I don't really understand exactly what this means except that it helps to limit the amount of dopamine my son's brain has to work with. Clozapine is also one. I look at these things as I believe my son's brain produces too much dopamine and especially after the Adderall certain types of medications will do him more harm then good.
Because of his legs going pretty non-stop I asked him last night if he wanted a Neurontin. The last time I gave him one he didn't take it so I'm never to sure if I should be giving it to him or not however I do know that despite his tendency to try and abuse it that it does help with his anxiety and it does seem to help keep his mood more stable. It works on the central nervous system. I'm hoping that he took the one that I gave him last night. He was up this morning when I got up just before 6 stating that he had been asleep for a couple of hours but woke up and was just having a smoke. He seemed too alert to have already been asleep. His pill dish was empty and he is sleeping sound now so I'm guessing he took them shortly before I got up. One of the benefits to my insomnia is that being up and down all night allowed me to keep a closer eye on him so that I could nicely nag him into taking his pills and going to bed. Maybe knowing that my daughter is around and can get me up if needed is allowing me to sleep better.
I almost feel like we are on a precipice or the edge of a cliff and I don't know if we are going to go over or manage to shuffle ourselves out of harms way. I don't know how to move us forward and away from this edge without causing harm yet I also feel that if we don't move forward then we will inevitably succumb to gravity and fall of the edge anyways. We can not stay teetering as we are. Perhaps I can but for my son it is not a good place.
Mom
BarbieBF
My son is struggling right now and I'm not to sure how to help him. He told me yesterday that he has been asked to not attend the YMCA for schooling as he is not progressing. I will have to call or email them on Monday as I'm thinking there is a little more to it then that. I remember when he had his first appointment with them to sign up, being told that they have some who have been there for a long time as they can work at their own pace, so I'm not to sure I understand what is happening. Perhaps he is being nudged into applying himself more? He said that he can't do it so he will have to start looking for a job. If he can't apply himself to 6 hours a week schooling then chances are he can't apply himself to learn a job. He seems to think that working is easy and takes no mental effort. Delusion or immature thinking? Since he doesn't have much personal experience to draw from on this then I'm thinking lack of experience or immature thinking. We both agreed that he will have to learn for himself that it does take mental effort to do a job.
He said that he can't put into words the 'stress' that he is currently experiencing that maybe one day he could explain it to me so that I can understand. Personally I don't think that he even understands the stress that he is feeling as he doesn't want to or can't understand the negative impact of symptoms. It's times like this that I myself have to re-evaluate my opinion on whether or not my son has schizophrenia. I explained to him that there is more to schizophrenia then positive symptoms like hallucinations and voices. There is also negative symptoms which get in the way of people's ability to cope with normal life stresses. On the surface his life can not, in my opinion, get much easier. I pointed out that he was doing great up until the Adderall and nothing else has changed so it's his inability to cope that needs to be looked at. I took a leap and suggested that maybe we need to look at upping his anti-psychotics for a little bit until things can get under control again. He doesn't want to be on pills for the rest of his life. 'I would rather die...' My heart hurt when I told him that he may need to be on pills for the rest of his life if he does in fact have schizophrenia.
He seems to understand that he needs help however he wants to be prescribed benzodiazepines even though he knows that he will not have an easy time getting them. He also doesn't want anti-depressants. I know that he doesn't like being on the Clozapine and doesn't want to be on another anti-psychotic since in his eyes he doesn't need them. I don't know how to help him come to terms with this and I am afraid to push and cause his ODD to flare up. I don't know if it's his ADHD or schizophrenia symptoms but for the past couple of days he has been pretty jittery. Not really hyper like I have seen where he is punching his bed or hitting walls or jumping like a 5 year old but like a muted undertone of something not right. Maybe it's time to look into another medication. I know that he has been tried on a lot of them but they were during times of chronic high marijuana use and nothing seemed to help except the Clozapine. I have heard of some good results with Latuda. It's an atypical or new generation AP that seems to work on blocking or antagonizing dopamine D2 receptors. No I don't really understand exactly what this means except that it helps to limit the amount of dopamine my son's brain has to work with. Clozapine is also one. I look at these things as I believe my son's brain produces too much dopamine and especially after the Adderall certain types of medications will do him more harm then good.
Because of his legs going pretty non-stop I asked him last night if he wanted a Neurontin. The last time I gave him one he didn't take it so I'm never to sure if I should be giving it to him or not however I do know that despite his tendency to try and abuse it that it does help with his anxiety and it does seem to help keep his mood more stable. It works on the central nervous system. I'm hoping that he took the one that I gave him last night. He was up this morning when I got up just before 6 stating that he had been asleep for a couple of hours but woke up and was just having a smoke. He seemed too alert to have already been asleep. His pill dish was empty and he is sleeping sound now so I'm guessing he took them shortly before I got up. One of the benefits to my insomnia is that being up and down all night allowed me to keep a closer eye on him so that I could nicely nag him into taking his pills and going to bed. Maybe knowing that my daughter is around and can get me up if needed is allowing me to sleep better.
I almost feel like we are on a precipice or the edge of a cliff and I don't know if we are going to go over or manage to shuffle ourselves out of harms way. I don't know how to move us forward and away from this edge without causing harm yet I also feel that if we don't move forward then we will inevitably succumb to gravity and fall of the edge anyways. We can not stay teetering as we are. Perhaps I can but for my son it is not a good place.
Mom
BarbieBF
Monday, July 14, 2014
Camping Trip. It's Behavioral...
I managed to sort of get organized for the camping trip. Got the salads made, even made some cheese flatbread and made sure to pack the coffee! My daughter also made some muffins. Chocolate chip and blueberry. Hubby worked on Friday so we were a little late getting to the campsite. Thankfully it is only about a 15 minute drive so hubby took my daughter and I up there first and we set up the tent while he came back to pick up my son and the remaining items.
I must say we did an awesome job and without losing our patience. I think it's been close to 20 years since I last set up a tent. Basically the same except now the poles are all connected which makes it a lot easier. It was starting to get dark when we decided to put together the lantern. I have used a camping lantern before but I didn't have to assemble it. By the time my daughter and I got it together it was dark. We had to sit in the car for light to read the instructions. By this time everyone was starving since I hadn't made supper yet. My intent was to have fire roasted corn on the cob and beef kabobs but that would have taken to long to prepare so it was boiled corn and hot-dogs instead. A white moth or butterfly decided to join us, staying attached to my son's cup for most of the meal. I regret not taking a pic.
We had a fire and shortly thereafter my hubby, my daughter and myself went to bed. I took a sleeping pill since hubby couldn't bring his CPAP machine for his sleep apnea so I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. My son didn't come to bed until much later. So much for hoping that this would help get him back into a better sleep schedule. He stated he wanted to stay up with the fire and go for a walk later. Not sure what to make of him still wanting to go for walks late at night however he isn't going for walks during the day so I'm hoping there is nothing more to it then just walking...
I was the first one up the next morning and enjoyed the quiet, my coffee and the wifi! Recently upgraded my phone to a Smartphone so I can still keep an eye on my Facebook, other multimedia and the Schizophrenia.com forum when I'm not at home. Granted it takes so much longer to view things but I'm having fun with it anyways. Eventually everyone else got up. We had breakfast, made a trip home for forgotten bathing suites and went to the park for a dip in the pool. 1.8 acre pool and it was cold! Refreshing yes since it was hot out that day but still brrr.
My son walked out a little bit then went back in and spent most of the time outside the pool area, smoking cigarettes. I'm surprised he's not chain smoking although at times it is pretty close. I stayed in and swam for a bit with my daughter, making sure to not go in water that was too deep. I usually joke that I must have drowned in a past life as I have never gotten over having a healthy respect (or fear) for water. Went back to the campsite and had the salads with tin foil grilled beef, sweet peppers and onions. My son was most looking forward to the fire again so it was started, died out and rekindled again once it got dark enough. At the campsite office he had picked up something called mystical fire which is supposed to add colors to your fire. It did. It's supposed to last 30-45 minutes. I didn't. Lasted for about 5 minutes and while it was pretty while it lasted it was somewhat disappointing. My son was somewhat disappointed when he first found out that I didn't bring the items needed for s'mores however I find it such a waste. Who eats more then one? I did bring marshmallows which appeased him although he only roasted one. My hubby roasted some marshmallows too. Turns out this was the first time that he had done it.
Thanks to The Weather Network app on my phone I saw that it was calling for a lot of rain starting at 2 in the morning with the risk of thunder showers. The thought of packing up our stuff in the rain was not appealing so after enjoying the fire we decided to pack up and head home instead of waiting until morning. My son and hubby took home the first load while my daughter and I dis-assembled the tent and packed up what was left. Out of the blue my son gave me a hug good-bye when he was leaving with my hubby to drop off the first load. A nice surprise!
His nurse did call me back on Friday. The reason her visit with him was so short was because he had asked her to leave. He wasn't impressed with her questioning him about what he had said to his Nana about me and of course he downplayed it and denied going into any details about it. She told me that he did acknowledge that he had taken some of his Nana's Percocets and talked to her about drinking and that what he had said about me was him venting when he was drunk that he didn't really mean it. I like his nurse however I sometimes wonder if she has enough experience to deal with situations like this. Or perhaps I am expecting to much? Since I don't have a direct line to my son's psychiatrist, he takes his ques from her. In her opinion what she is seeing with my son is not psychosis related and is behavioral. Based on her opinion his pdoc does not think that he needs to see my son. I acknowledge that what we are seeing is behavioral however isn't all of it behavioral? In my opinion you can not separate one from the other. When someone is experiencing psychosis, addiction/withdrawal or unstable mood then their behavior is affected. My son does not randomly become a negative person. When he is unstable his mood is unstable. When he is experiencing stress/symptoms then it is being triggered by something, be it psychosis and/or weed or also in this case Adderall and Percocets. Again I question the mindset of separating them as statistically up to 50% of people diagnosed with schizophrenia have addiction problems. For my son they go hand in hand as weed triggers his psychosis. So telling me that what I'm seeing in my son is behavioral and not psychosis related does not set well with me. The workers I dealt with in the Early Intervention Program that my son used to be in seemed to have a better understanding of this or at the very least I felt like they validated my concerns better. My son has a certain 'look' around his eyes that indicates that he is not ok. While it seems to be diminishing it is still there. I guess if you don't know him than it could be seen as him being tired but he has been getting enough sleep to not warrant looking like that.
I also talked to his nurse about setting up an appointment with a program called Ready4Life. They help to transition people into independent living. I have told my son that I requested this since he doesn't want to follow the rules here then it's time that he take this step. It's not what I want and I don't even know what to say about this except that I also have to make decisions for my own life and having my son continue to bring weed into my home is not something that I can support.
Yesterday during our second attempt at taking my daughter to one of the larger malls, I reminded my son that he had school the next day. He has been off for three weeks. He reminded me of the conversation he thought we had the previous day discussing him not going. This conversation did not take place. He stated that he has not been feeling well and that he was too tired to go. He was not to tired to go for breakfast or to the mall or to stay up most of the night. I reminded him again last night before I went to bed that he had school. This morning I did decide to let him sleep a bit more and let him go in late. When I did wake him up after 9 he said that he was too tired that he hadn't gone to bed until after 7. I was up so I know this isn't true also it was not my choice to stay up, it was his. He can take his pills and go to bed whenever he wants. I also found one of his Lithium pills on his desk this morning that he says he forgot to take. I put all of his pills in one dish so he had to have removed it himself to not take it since he swallows them all at once directly from the dish. He decided that he is willing to lose his laptop for the day and not go. We have never ironed out the details of how long he loses his laptop for and I have never agreed that it is only one day. The not so small detail in all this is that technically it is my laptop. It will be his when he has paid me the almost $3000.00 that is cost me and my hubby. He can accept the conditions of it or not have the privilege of using it. He was coherent enough talking to me that I know that he was capable of getting up if he wanted to. Since he wouldn't I calmly unplugged it and let him know that he can have it back once he is back in school. Hopefully that will be on Wednesday.
It's after 12 and time for me to get some things done. I probably won't get my son to his monthly blood work today that is now due. Need to start some laundry, vacuum, do some cleaning and bake some bread.
Mom
BarbieBF
I must say we did an awesome job and without losing our patience. I think it's been close to 20 years since I last set up a tent. Basically the same except now the poles are all connected which makes it a lot easier. It was starting to get dark when we decided to put together the lantern. I have used a camping lantern before but I didn't have to assemble it. By the time my daughter and I got it together it was dark. We had to sit in the car for light to read the instructions. By this time everyone was starving since I hadn't made supper yet. My intent was to have fire roasted corn on the cob and beef kabobs but that would have taken to long to prepare so it was boiled corn and hot-dogs instead. A white moth or butterfly decided to join us, staying attached to my son's cup for most of the meal. I regret not taking a pic.
We had a fire and shortly thereafter my hubby, my daughter and myself went to bed. I took a sleeping pill since hubby couldn't bring his CPAP machine for his sleep apnea so I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. My son didn't come to bed until much later. So much for hoping that this would help get him back into a better sleep schedule. He stated he wanted to stay up with the fire and go for a walk later. Not sure what to make of him still wanting to go for walks late at night however he isn't going for walks during the day so I'm hoping there is nothing more to it then just walking...
I was the first one up the next morning and enjoyed the quiet, my coffee and the wifi! Recently upgraded my phone to a Smartphone so I can still keep an eye on my Facebook, other multimedia and the Schizophrenia.com forum when I'm not at home. Granted it takes so much longer to view things but I'm having fun with it anyways. Eventually everyone else got up. We had breakfast, made a trip home for forgotten bathing suites and went to the park for a dip in the pool. 1.8 acre pool and it was cold! Refreshing yes since it was hot out that day but still brrr.
My son walked out a little bit then went back in and spent most of the time outside the pool area, smoking cigarettes. I'm surprised he's not chain smoking although at times it is pretty close. I stayed in and swam for a bit with my daughter, making sure to not go in water that was too deep. I usually joke that I must have drowned in a past life as I have never gotten over having a healthy respect (or fear) for water. Went back to the campsite and had the salads with tin foil grilled beef, sweet peppers and onions. My son was most looking forward to the fire again so it was started, died out and rekindled again once it got dark enough. At the campsite office he had picked up something called mystical fire which is supposed to add colors to your fire. It did. It's supposed to last 30-45 minutes. I didn't. Lasted for about 5 minutes and while it was pretty while it lasted it was somewhat disappointing. My son was somewhat disappointed when he first found out that I didn't bring the items needed for s'mores however I find it such a waste. Who eats more then one? I did bring marshmallows which appeased him although he only roasted one. My hubby roasted some marshmallows too. Turns out this was the first time that he had done it.
Thanks to The Weather Network app on my phone I saw that it was calling for a lot of rain starting at 2 in the morning with the risk of thunder showers. The thought of packing up our stuff in the rain was not appealing so after enjoying the fire we decided to pack up and head home instead of waiting until morning. My son and hubby took home the first load while my daughter and I dis-assembled the tent and packed up what was left. Out of the blue my son gave me a hug good-bye when he was leaving with my hubby to drop off the first load. A nice surprise!
His nurse did call me back on Friday. The reason her visit with him was so short was because he had asked her to leave. He wasn't impressed with her questioning him about what he had said to his Nana about me and of course he downplayed it and denied going into any details about it. She told me that he did acknowledge that he had taken some of his Nana's Percocets and talked to her about drinking and that what he had said about me was him venting when he was drunk that he didn't really mean it. I like his nurse however I sometimes wonder if she has enough experience to deal with situations like this. Or perhaps I am expecting to much? Since I don't have a direct line to my son's psychiatrist, he takes his ques from her. In her opinion what she is seeing with my son is not psychosis related and is behavioral. Based on her opinion his pdoc does not think that he needs to see my son. I acknowledge that what we are seeing is behavioral however isn't all of it behavioral? In my opinion you can not separate one from the other. When someone is experiencing psychosis, addiction/withdrawal or unstable mood then their behavior is affected. My son does not randomly become a negative person. When he is unstable his mood is unstable. When he is experiencing stress/symptoms then it is being triggered by something, be it psychosis and/or weed or also in this case Adderall and Percocets. Again I question the mindset of separating them as statistically up to 50% of people diagnosed with schizophrenia have addiction problems. For my son they go hand in hand as weed triggers his psychosis. So telling me that what I'm seeing in my son is behavioral and not psychosis related does not set well with me. The workers I dealt with in the Early Intervention Program that my son used to be in seemed to have a better understanding of this or at the very least I felt like they validated my concerns better. My son has a certain 'look' around his eyes that indicates that he is not ok. While it seems to be diminishing it is still there. I guess if you don't know him than it could be seen as him being tired but he has been getting enough sleep to not warrant looking like that.
I also talked to his nurse about setting up an appointment with a program called Ready4Life. They help to transition people into independent living. I have told my son that I requested this since he doesn't want to follow the rules here then it's time that he take this step. It's not what I want and I don't even know what to say about this except that I also have to make decisions for my own life and having my son continue to bring weed into my home is not something that I can support.
Yesterday during our second attempt at taking my daughter to one of the larger malls, I reminded my son that he had school the next day. He has been off for three weeks. He reminded me of the conversation he thought we had the previous day discussing him not going. This conversation did not take place. He stated that he has not been feeling well and that he was too tired to go. He was not to tired to go for breakfast or to the mall or to stay up most of the night. I reminded him again last night before I went to bed that he had school. This morning I did decide to let him sleep a bit more and let him go in late. When I did wake him up after 9 he said that he was too tired that he hadn't gone to bed until after 7. I was up so I know this isn't true also it was not my choice to stay up, it was his. He can take his pills and go to bed whenever he wants. I also found one of his Lithium pills on his desk this morning that he says he forgot to take. I put all of his pills in one dish so he had to have removed it himself to not take it since he swallows them all at once directly from the dish. He decided that he is willing to lose his laptop for the day and not go. We have never ironed out the details of how long he loses his laptop for and I have never agreed that it is only one day. The not so small detail in all this is that technically it is my laptop. It will be his when he has paid me the almost $3000.00 that is cost me and my hubby. He can accept the conditions of it or not have the privilege of using it. He was coherent enough talking to me that I know that he was capable of getting up if he wanted to. Since he wouldn't I calmly unplugged it and let him know that he can have it back once he is back in school. Hopefully that will be on Wednesday.
It's after 12 and time for me to get some things done. I probably won't get my son to his monthly blood work today that is now due. Need to start some laundry, vacuum, do some cleaning and bake some bread.
Mom
BarbieBF
Friday, July 11, 2014
Not one but two. Trusting your gut instincts....
I couldn't get a hold of my son's nurse yesterday as she was in meetings. Left her a voice message this morning so I'm waiting to hear back from her, hopefully soon.
I came across this picture yesterday:
It is a lesson that I seem to need to learn over and over especially where my son is concerned. I push aside my first instinct in the hopes that I am wrong when I really shouldn't. When he told me that he had lost his pipe. Lie. When he told me that that was the last of the weed. Lie. It turns out that he had gone out for a 'walk' twice the night before, after I had found that nugget in his pocket. Since he was crashed on the couch it was room search time, again. First I found a nugget in one of his hoodie pockets. I almost stopped looking but thought just in case... I could smell it in his closet so I kept looking. Found his 'lost pipe' and about two grams of weed in his coat pocket.
Straight to the dumpster. Did he buy this from some random person or did his friend downplay the amount that he had? I will probably never know the truth as I have experienced his friend 'under the influence' and/or 'judgement impaired' and expecting the truth at this point would be pretty naive of me.
My son has also received extra money in his bank account from the government. Don't know for what yet but I guess it's for one of our rebates. I don't get these anymore since I claimed common-law as our combined family income was too high. So he has $140 in his wallet. Yippee! Usually by the time he pays me back what he owes me and buys some game subscriptions he is pretty much out of money which because of situations like this is a good thing. In reality I don't push him much to work for this reason. His first paycheck could mean another hospital admission. Yes I know that I can't forestall this forever, however I was hoping that if I could get in some good solid clean time that he would see how much better life can be without 'that monkey on his back'. Sadly I understand that attraction. For a fleeting moment I thought about keeping the weed for myself. I have had my own issues with drug abuse and my last issue was with marijuana. Another reason why I do not and can not allow it in my home. My priorities where not right when I was using. My ability to cope with normal life stresses became none existent. It's been about a year and half since hubby and I last smoked weed and next month it will be a year since we had an alcoholic drink. Lead by example... I'm trying!
While yesterday itself was calm, the evening not so much. My son stated that he was going to the store and I asked him what he was getting. 'An energy drink and other stuff, why do you ask?' It's the 'other stuff' that I'm concerned about and voiced my concerns that I really hoped it wasn't another pipe or weed since it is not allowed in the home. Can you guess how well that went over? Don't talk to me. I'm a man and can do what I want. I'm stressed (remember my previous post of stress = symptoms). Your making me want to commit suicide. I guess not letting him have another psychotic break is more then he can handle since he hasn't gone this long without one (going on 11 months). I told him to call 911 if he was suicidal. He decided he wanted me out of his room bad enough to try to physically push me out. Since I wasn't sure how aggressive he was going to get I called for my hubby. My son then tells my hubby 'I will knock you out'. You would have to see my hubby but that's not likely. We insisted that he leave the home. Sadly there was some swearing involved with this request. Sometimes we get pushed too far. My son asks me if I was going to let my hubby talk to him like that? Really!? You just threatened to knock him out! And my hubby has been feeling dissed (speak disrespectfully to) by my son for about two weeks now. He was dissing me quit a bit too but what can I say, I'm mom and I'm willing to put up with perhaps more then I should. However enough is enough. I would have to say that having my hubby around for this one was actually a relief as my son backed down and I only had to threaten to call 911 once. Of course he had to make us wait. He would leave when he is ready. Gotta love ODD. He needed his keys for his bike lock. I removed the apartment keys. I would have to say the look on his face was priceless when I handed him his bike key only. He didn't leave with his bike after all. 'Where am I going to go?' 'I don't know. You're a man and can do what you want so figure it out. Maybe spend a couple of hours thinking about your actions and the choices that you are making. Better yet find a pay phone, call Nana and tell her more bullshit and lies...' Yup, still bothering me. Perhaps I need a biased therapist to vent to.
About an hour later my mom instincts had really kicked in. Is he ok? Hubby got dressed and came with me to go look for him. He was just around the corner sitting on some steps, smoking cigarettes. I told him that we really needed to talk about him living in some sort of assisted living since he can't follow the rules of no drugs and alcohol in the home, that the next time I just may call the police so they can confiscate his weed and that the next time he pushes me I will call the police and have him charged. He didn't seem to think I could do that. Yes, It's called domestic violence and is illegal. Even for my adult son. So he decided he wanted to stay outside. That was fine with me, now that I knew he was safe. He did come in sometime later as I had left the front door unlocked and he knows how to buss himself into the building. He asked if he could have his keys back as he may want to go for a walk later. Really! I didn't have the energy at this point to say anything except no and we will talk about it tomorrow.
He went to bed around 3:30 this morning. When my daughter came to bed a little before that she stated that he was in the living room hysterically laughing. Great! I don't know if it's the weed or his medications just aren't cutting it, if he is taking them. The dish I put them in was empty. Perhaps a bit of both. To be on the safe side another go at his room is probably in order. Always trust your gut instincts... Unfortunately that sometimes gets clouded with feelings of love and hope. Maybe this time it's not what I think...
I have some salads to make for our camping trip and things to organize. Maybe this trip will put him back into a fairly normal sleep cycle. I can always hope...
Mom
BarbieBF
I came across this picture yesterday:
It is a lesson that I seem to need to learn over and over especially where my son is concerned. I push aside my first instinct in the hopes that I am wrong when I really shouldn't. When he told me that he had lost his pipe. Lie. When he told me that that was the last of the weed. Lie. It turns out that he had gone out for a 'walk' twice the night before, after I had found that nugget in his pocket. Since he was crashed on the couch it was room search time, again. First I found a nugget in one of his hoodie pockets. I almost stopped looking but thought just in case... I could smell it in his closet so I kept looking. Found his 'lost pipe' and about two grams of weed in his coat pocket.
Straight to the dumpster. Did he buy this from some random person or did his friend downplay the amount that he had? I will probably never know the truth as I have experienced his friend 'under the influence' and/or 'judgement impaired' and expecting the truth at this point would be pretty naive of me.
My son has also received extra money in his bank account from the government. Don't know for what yet but I guess it's for one of our rebates. I don't get these anymore since I claimed common-law as our combined family income was too high. So he has $140 in his wallet. Yippee! Usually by the time he pays me back what he owes me and buys some game subscriptions he is pretty much out of money which because of situations like this is a good thing. In reality I don't push him much to work for this reason. His first paycheck could mean another hospital admission. Yes I know that I can't forestall this forever, however I was hoping that if I could get in some good solid clean time that he would see how much better life can be without 'that monkey on his back'. Sadly I understand that attraction. For a fleeting moment I thought about keeping the weed for myself. I have had my own issues with drug abuse and my last issue was with marijuana. Another reason why I do not and can not allow it in my home. My priorities where not right when I was using. My ability to cope with normal life stresses became none existent. It's been about a year and half since hubby and I last smoked weed and next month it will be a year since we had an alcoholic drink. Lead by example... I'm trying!
While yesterday itself was calm, the evening not so much. My son stated that he was going to the store and I asked him what he was getting. 'An energy drink and other stuff, why do you ask?' It's the 'other stuff' that I'm concerned about and voiced my concerns that I really hoped it wasn't another pipe or weed since it is not allowed in the home. Can you guess how well that went over? Don't talk to me. I'm a man and can do what I want. I'm stressed (remember my previous post of stress = symptoms). Your making me want to commit suicide. I guess not letting him have another psychotic break is more then he can handle since he hasn't gone this long without one (going on 11 months). I told him to call 911 if he was suicidal. He decided he wanted me out of his room bad enough to try to physically push me out. Since I wasn't sure how aggressive he was going to get I called for my hubby. My son then tells my hubby 'I will knock you out'. You would have to see my hubby but that's not likely. We insisted that he leave the home. Sadly there was some swearing involved with this request. Sometimes we get pushed too far. My son asks me if I was going to let my hubby talk to him like that? Really!? You just threatened to knock him out! And my hubby has been feeling dissed (speak disrespectfully to) by my son for about two weeks now. He was dissing me quit a bit too but what can I say, I'm mom and I'm willing to put up with perhaps more then I should. However enough is enough. I would have to say that having my hubby around for this one was actually a relief as my son backed down and I only had to threaten to call 911 once. Of course he had to make us wait. He would leave when he is ready. Gotta love ODD. He needed his keys for his bike lock. I removed the apartment keys. I would have to say the look on his face was priceless when I handed him his bike key only. He didn't leave with his bike after all. 'Where am I going to go?' 'I don't know. You're a man and can do what you want so figure it out. Maybe spend a couple of hours thinking about your actions and the choices that you are making. Better yet find a pay phone, call Nana and tell her more bullshit and lies...' Yup, still bothering me. Perhaps I need a biased therapist to vent to.
About an hour later my mom instincts had really kicked in. Is he ok? Hubby got dressed and came with me to go look for him. He was just around the corner sitting on some steps, smoking cigarettes. I told him that we really needed to talk about him living in some sort of assisted living since he can't follow the rules of no drugs and alcohol in the home, that the next time I just may call the police so they can confiscate his weed and that the next time he pushes me I will call the police and have him charged. He didn't seem to think I could do that. Yes, It's called domestic violence and is illegal. Even for my adult son. So he decided he wanted to stay outside. That was fine with me, now that I knew he was safe. He did come in sometime later as I had left the front door unlocked and he knows how to buss himself into the building. He asked if he could have his keys back as he may want to go for a walk later. Really! I didn't have the energy at this point to say anything except no and we will talk about it tomorrow.
He went to bed around 3:30 this morning. When my daughter came to bed a little before that she stated that he was in the living room hysterically laughing. Great! I don't know if it's the weed or his medications just aren't cutting it, if he is taking them. The dish I put them in was empty. Perhaps a bit of both. To be on the safe side another go at his room is probably in order. Always trust your gut instincts... Unfortunately that sometimes gets clouded with feelings of love and hope. Maybe this time it's not what I think...
I have some salads to make for our camping trip and things to organize. Maybe this trip will put him back into a fairly normal sleep cycle. I can always hope...
Mom
BarbieBF
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Road Trip, Home Sweet Home!
What can I say about the first part of our road trip to see my daughter? Nothing good I'm afraid. Left Burlington, Ontario Friday night and got there early Monday morning. The motor in our car went in Medicine Hat, Alberta on Sunday. My hubby decided he wanted to decrease his Ciprelax dose plus missed taking some due to driving. My son still isn't recovered from the Adderall mishap and his mood and attitude was still pretty negative. By the time we reached Banff National Park I had had enough and part of me is still wishing I had had the kahunas to leave them both on the side of the road. As it was I made my son exit the vehicle, rental car (left our car in Medicine Hat to get the motor replaced), that he decided needed to feel his fist while I got my own tears of frustration under control. That took about 10-15 minutes. That night I managed to get a Trazadone, along with his other meds, into my son so he passed out pretty good in the back seat. We arrived in Langley, British Columbia around 4 AM and had to wait until 7 for someone to be at the motel so we could check in. At least we made it... Oh I ended up buying hubby and I cigarettes so there went over two months of no smoking down the drain. What can I say? It was smoke or get divorced ;)
We checked into the motel and finally got my son into the shower. There was no way I was going to let his Dad and Nana see him looking like something the cat dragged in. I'm still mentally kicking myself a little bit that I didn't have my guard up regarding the Adderall. I had so wanted them to see how much progress my son had made. Instead we show up with him barely stable. Not to much I can do about that now. At least he was clean!
I'm afraid the first day with my daughter was through somewhat of a sleep deprived haze. On a good note my insomnia didn't act up the whole time I was there. I guess exhaustion has it's up side.
Wednesday was graduation day. Four proud parental figures watched her walk across the stage and accept her diploma. *happy tears* Thursday was the grad dinner and dance to which all of her parental figures also attended. Certainly a lot more to a high school graduation now than when I graduated. I am extremely proud to have been a part of it.
Hubby and I also attended my daughter's baptism. A very small church or group of very nice people. They seemed to really like my daughter and I'm glad that she has found them. Religion has not been a big part of my own life. Growing up with a somewhat fanatical father when it came to Religion and the Bible I tend to veer away from religious denominations. However I have managed to hang onto God himself so I'm happy that my daughter has also found him and made a place for him in her life.
This was the first time that I got to meet my kids step-mom. I think we got along pretty good. She was very nice and opened her home to us for which I am grateful. I didn't do nearly as much motel cooking as I had planned on doing. A little rehashing of old times with my ex... It seems he has spoken of an occasion when I threw an ashtray at his head. If I recall it was a cup and well deserved however he managed to leave out that part in the telling. I of course corrected the oversight!
Nana however is a different story. Happy to see me yet that quickly changed after my son 'vented' his version of the truth? Perhaps truth is not the right word since the only person that doesn't know that it was mostly bullshit is nana herself. The cold shoulder I got reflected her apparent want to 'strangle me' for treating my son like a child and being too controlling. I guess I was supposed to buy him a top of the line Alienware laptop for almost $3000.00 with no strings attached, certainly not use it as a condition of him attending school a whole whopping 6 hours a week. Not sure how I am being too controlling except that perhaps I shouldn't be trying to stop him from drinking and using? Perhaps I should be handing him over more money when he blows his on alcohol, games and whatever nicotine fad he is currently into? After all it's his disability check and shouldn't he get to blow it on himself while I pay for everything? Yes I'm being sarcastic. All this aside the most disturbing thing was that it seems my son spent some time going into detail with his Nana on how he was going to murder me. Yup a little scary and I believe it since he also later admitted it to me. Previously when my son lived with her he used to abuse her percocets and I'm pretty sure this time was no different. My son stayed with his Dad/Nana while hubby and I stayed at the motel. For about two days the way that he was looking at me was very unnerving to say the least. Very cold and calculating. Gotta love those perks! Did Nana think to tell me or warn me? Of course not. Others in the house overheard. Something I will be bringing up to his nurse when she returns my call today. Unfortunately I wasn't able to monitor his medications or alcohol use so he missed I'm thinking at least two nights worth of medications and stole alcohol from his Dad's stash. We went to see the fireworks for Canada Day, July 1st and security at the park poured out the rum that was in his water bottle. So ya part of the trip was others feeling uncomfortable due to the cold shoulder I was getting that no one could really understand why. When asked if she was upset with my son the answer of course was that she could never be upset with him. Apparently his negative attitude and comments like 'If they were my kids they would be getting a punch in the head', I guess for the ring he left out and the kids got a hold of, is acceptable behavior? I tried my best to ignore it as I know better then to expect any different. She managed to hug me instead of strangling me when I hugged her good-bye...
I had been saving up my Walmart dollars so that I could take my daughter shopping. One of my previous saving up of them had gone on a deep fryer that my son wanted so I figured she deserved the same so we took her shopping for some cloths. She got some underwear, bras, shorts, legging and quit a few shirts since they were on sale for $3.94 I do believe. I don't recall what else. It seems my son 'vented' about this as well stating that I had spent way more then I did and that it was unfair. Something else that was unfair. How much attention we were all giving my daughter for her graduation and baptism. Things like this happen everyday, so why all the fuss? I seem to be dripping with sarcasm today.
Then there was the trip to White Rock beach that we apparently omitted directly asking my son to go with us. My bad. It was a given on my part that he was coming with us as we talked about it with him and he was ready to leave with us when we left with no prompting from anyone to get ready. Yah I'm somewhat confused on that one too. Why be ready to go somewhere if you are not invited? Other then the fact that we couldn't find my son a pair of sandals that out of the blue he decided he needed even though he previously didn't want when I wanted to get him a pair, the trip to the beach turned into good day. Not much time spent at the actual beach as I'm afraid I got hit with an overwhelming thirst and need to get out of the heat so we stopped at a restaurant. By the time we made it to the beach it had cooled down, perhaps a bit too much but my daughter and her boyfriend had fun playing in the water anyways. We did end up getting my son a pair of sandals when we took my daughter cloth shopping and he even likes them still. I sometimes shake my head that I can buy him expensive things like a PSP4 and Nintendo3DS and he shows more long term appreciation for the littler things like sandals or shoes. Go figure. Child abuse as it's best it would seem. Here I go again with the sarcasm. In case I haven't mentioned it my son has a tendency to accuse me of child abuse when I don't give him everything that he wants when he is not stable.
I guess one of the 'positive' things I can take from this trip with respect to my son and his Nana is that the likelihood of me moving across country and putting them in the same province, certainly not the same city, is clearly not an option. I sincerely wish that that was not the case as I have on occasion entertained the thought for my daughter's sake. Until recently I was pretty set against it for several reasons. My sisters, although we are currently not talking and my hubby's job security. Yes he can find a job out there but not with an employer who has stood behind him through some pretty tough times and certainly not with the job security that he currently has. Asking a 58 year old man to give this up is not something I particularly feel comfortable doing and in reality I won't. I guess I'm still pretty set against it. Not really a positive thing for my daughter *sad face*
Despite all of the above there was still room for some sibling and family bounding. My daughter's step-mom took some beautiful pictures of my daughter's graduation and dance. Some bounding over Dad teaching the kids how to chop wood for a fire and roasted marshmallows and s'mores. The fireworks were awesome. My kid's half sister is adorable and so is their step-sister. The heat rash I developed on the other hand was not so awesome. I guess I spend way to much time indoors and we did have some pretty hot days.
Thursday night we managed to squeeze everything back into the rental, plus our daughter and her luggage as she came back with us and will fly back home after two weeks. The trip home was much calmer. We still drove through the night on two occasions however this time my hubby didn't miss taking his Ciprelax and we tried not to rush. Picked up our car on the way back with it's new-used motor. Got some cute pics of the kids sleeping. One with my daughter's head on my son's shoulder. Priceless. Below are some of the pics I took driving through the Canadian Rockies and clouds!
We made it home 9:30 Monday morning. All a little zombified. The kids headed for the sofas and quickly went back to the sleep. I of course got on my computer. I missed my baby. Spent a couple of hours catching up as best I good with my sleep deprived foggy brain. Eventually curled up with hubby and managed to get a power nap in. Totally passed out on the sofa later that evening which is rare for me. Hubby managed to guide me to bed. I left my daughter watching Alice in Wonderland on her own.
Once we all had a little energy we took a drive for cigarettes and to the grocery store. Later that evening my son decided he wanted to go to his friends for the night. No surprise there. He had bought two pipes when he got his cigarettes. His disability payment was waiting for him when we got home. A ride to his friends including a stop at the liquor store to 'pick up alcohol for his friend'. I'm never to sure how to handle these situations as I know I can't completely stop him from buying alcohol or using. I also forgot to make sure he had his meds with him when he left. So he smoked pot, drank alcohol and didn't take his meds on Monday night, on top of not really being stable as it is. Picked him up yesterday afternoon and he was not doing to well. Really distracted. Picked his sister up from visiting a friend and she was in the car for a bit before he even realized that she was there. Had to repeat everything 2-3 times. Took out his laptop but didn't get on it. Not a good sign when my son is to distracted to get on his computer. He has hardly been on it since before we left on our trip. Randomly decided to go for a walk stating that he is stressed and needs to get out. Another bad sign. When he says stressed that seems to mean symptomatic or at the very least racing thoughts which would explain how distracted he is. He says he is not hearing voices but I can't be sure. He says he doesn't have any weed. Again I can't be sure. I messaged his friend and asked him my son had left with any weed and he said no but he did leave with vodka. It took two searches of his room to find that as the first time I checked his backpack it wasn't in there but was the second time. I got rid of it. Usually I tell him that I have done this but this time I decided not to say anything, well I haven't yet. He knows the rules so if he wants to waste his money on alcohol going down the drain then so be it.
Getting him to take his meds was about an 8 hours ordeal. I finally got them into him at around 5 this morning after he had been up all night. Not good since I don't think he slept at his friends either. He kept saying that he was going to take them but wouldn't as he needed to think first. Not easy trying to 'nicely' persuade him without triggering what I call his ODD. Then when he finally did take them he dropped them. I think we may have missed .5 of his Risperdone but I did manage to give him a Trazadone so hopefully he will sleep for a long time. Even with the pills it took him over an hour to go to sleep. Not good.
I'm waiting for his nurse to call me back. I'm really thinking that we should have upped his Clozapine after the Adderall however I didn't want to trigger his ODD however it is pretty apparent that he is not recovering very well. Perhaps his nurse will have a solution. He is just not stable enough to withstand missed doses or lack of sleep. Or any weed it would seem.
Yesterday evening we went to pick up our hamster from my hubby's sister who hamster-sat for us. But first we took my daughter to a parking lot so that she could try driving. She also got her learners driving license before we left to head back home. Another proud moment. Of course she badgered us the whole drive home to let her drive.
Don't know if you can see it but that tire mark was my daughter's doing. Granted, I don't think she staled which is better then I usually do in a standard.
Well it's 2 PM and I have effectively managed to spend my day so far on my computer. Yes I missed it! I guess I should go and put a little more effort into waking my daughter and perhaps put in another call to my son's nurse before I hit the shower. Dreading the idea of causing all my mosquito bits to itch at once. I have managed to get bitten 27 times within the past 4-5 days. Yup I counted. 27 of them and some of them are nasty. FYI vinegar works just as good as After Bite or Benadryl and you only smell like french fries for about 5-10 minutes.
Mom
BarbieBF
We checked into the motel and finally got my son into the shower. There was no way I was going to let his Dad and Nana see him looking like something the cat dragged in. I'm still mentally kicking myself a little bit that I didn't have my guard up regarding the Adderall. I had so wanted them to see how much progress my son had made. Instead we show up with him barely stable. Not to much I can do about that now. At least he was clean!
I'm afraid the first day with my daughter was through somewhat of a sleep deprived haze. On a good note my insomnia didn't act up the whole time I was there. I guess exhaustion has it's up side.
Wednesday was graduation day. Four proud parental figures watched her walk across the stage and accept her diploma. *happy tears* Thursday was the grad dinner and dance to which all of her parental figures also attended. Certainly a lot more to a high school graduation now than when I graduated. I am extremely proud to have been a part of it.
Hubby and I also attended my daughter's baptism. A very small church or group of very nice people. They seemed to really like my daughter and I'm glad that she has found them. Religion has not been a big part of my own life. Growing up with a somewhat fanatical father when it came to Religion and the Bible I tend to veer away from religious denominations. However I have managed to hang onto God himself so I'm happy that my daughter has also found him and made a place for him in her life.
This was the first time that I got to meet my kids step-mom. I think we got along pretty good. She was very nice and opened her home to us for which I am grateful. I didn't do nearly as much motel cooking as I had planned on doing. A little rehashing of old times with my ex... It seems he has spoken of an occasion when I threw an ashtray at his head. If I recall it was a cup and well deserved however he managed to leave out that part in the telling. I of course corrected the oversight!
Nana however is a different story. Happy to see me yet that quickly changed after my son 'vented' his version of the truth? Perhaps truth is not the right word since the only person that doesn't know that it was mostly bullshit is nana herself. The cold shoulder I got reflected her apparent want to 'strangle me' for treating my son like a child and being too controlling. I guess I was supposed to buy him a top of the line Alienware laptop for almost $3000.00 with no strings attached, certainly not use it as a condition of him attending school a whole whopping 6 hours a week. Not sure how I am being too controlling except that perhaps I shouldn't be trying to stop him from drinking and using? Perhaps I should be handing him over more money when he blows his on alcohol, games and whatever nicotine fad he is currently into? After all it's his disability check and shouldn't he get to blow it on himself while I pay for everything? Yes I'm being sarcastic. All this aside the most disturbing thing was that it seems my son spent some time going into detail with his Nana on how he was going to murder me. Yup a little scary and I believe it since he also later admitted it to me. Previously when my son lived with her he used to abuse her percocets and I'm pretty sure this time was no different. My son stayed with his Dad/Nana while hubby and I stayed at the motel. For about two days the way that he was looking at me was very unnerving to say the least. Very cold and calculating. Gotta love those perks! Did Nana think to tell me or warn me? Of course not. Others in the house overheard. Something I will be bringing up to his nurse when she returns my call today. Unfortunately I wasn't able to monitor his medications or alcohol use so he missed I'm thinking at least two nights worth of medications and stole alcohol from his Dad's stash. We went to see the fireworks for Canada Day, July 1st and security at the park poured out the rum that was in his water bottle. So ya part of the trip was others feeling uncomfortable due to the cold shoulder I was getting that no one could really understand why. When asked if she was upset with my son the answer of course was that she could never be upset with him. Apparently his negative attitude and comments like 'If they were my kids they would be getting a punch in the head', I guess for the ring he left out and the kids got a hold of, is acceptable behavior? I tried my best to ignore it as I know better then to expect any different. She managed to hug me instead of strangling me when I hugged her good-bye...
I had been saving up my Walmart dollars so that I could take my daughter shopping. One of my previous saving up of them had gone on a deep fryer that my son wanted so I figured she deserved the same so we took her shopping for some cloths. She got some underwear, bras, shorts, legging and quit a few shirts since they were on sale for $3.94 I do believe. I don't recall what else. It seems my son 'vented' about this as well stating that I had spent way more then I did and that it was unfair. Something else that was unfair. How much attention we were all giving my daughter for her graduation and baptism. Things like this happen everyday, so why all the fuss? I seem to be dripping with sarcasm today.
Then there was the trip to White Rock beach that we apparently omitted directly asking my son to go with us. My bad. It was a given on my part that he was coming with us as we talked about it with him and he was ready to leave with us when we left with no prompting from anyone to get ready. Yah I'm somewhat confused on that one too. Why be ready to go somewhere if you are not invited? Other then the fact that we couldn't find my son a pair of sandals that out of the blue he decided he needed even though he previously didn't want when I wanted to get him a pair, the trip to the beach turned into good day. Not much time spent at the actual beach as I'm afraid I got hit with an overwhelming thirst and need to get out of the heat so we stopped at a restaurant. By the time we made it to the beach it had cooled down, perhaps a bit too much but my daughter and her boyfriend had fun playing in the water anyways. We did end up getting my son a pair of sandals when we took my daughter cloth shopping and he even likes them still. I sometimes shake my head that I can buy him expensive things like a PSP4 and Nintendo3DS and he shows more long term appreciation for the littler things like sandals or shoes. Go figure. Child abuse as it's best it would seem. Here I go again with the sarcasm. In case I haven't mentioned it my son has a tendency to accuse me of child abuse when I don't give him everything that he wants when he is not stable.
I guess one of the 'positive' things I can take from this trip with respect to my son and his Nana is that the likelihood of me moving across country and putting them in the same province, certainly not the same city, is clearly not an option. I sincerely wish that that was not the case as I have on occasion entertained the thought for my daughter's sake. Until recently I was pretty set against it for several reasons. My sisters, although we are currently not talking and my hubby's job security. Yes he can find a job out there but not with an employer who has stood behind him through some pretty tough times and certainly not with the job security that he currently has. Asking a 58 year old man to give this up is not something I particularly feel comfortable doing and in reality I won't. I guess I'm still pretty set against it. Not really a positive thing for my daughter *sad face*
Despite all of the above there was still room for some sibling and family bounding. My daughter's step-mom took some beautiful pictures of my daughter's graduation and dance. Some bounding over Dad teaching the kids how to chop wood for a fire and roasted marshmallows and s'mores. The fireworks were awesome. My kid's half sister is adorable and so is their step-sister. The heat rash I developed on the other hand was not so awesome. I guess I spend way to much time indoors and we did have some pretty hot days.
Thursday night we managed to squeeze everything back into the rental, plus our daughter and her luggage as she came back with us and will fly back home after two weeks. The trip home was much calmer. We still drove through the night on two occasions however this time my hubby didn't miss taking his Ciprelax and we tried not to rush. Picked up our car on the way back with it's new-used motor. Got some cute pics of the kids sleeping. One with my daughter's head on my son's shoulder. Priceless. Below are some of the pics I took driving through the Canadian Rockies and clouds!
We made it home 9:30 Monday morning. All a little zombified. The kids headed for the sofas and quickly went back to the sleep. I of course got on my computer. I missed my baby. Spent a couple of hours catching up as best I good with my sleep deprived foggy brain. Eventually curled up with hubby and managed to get a power nap in. Totally passed out on the sofa later that evening which is rare for me. Hubby managed to guide me to bed. I left my daughter watching Alice in Wonderland on her own.
Once we all had a little energy we took a drive for cigarettes and to the grocery store. Later that evening my son decided he wanted to go to his friends for the night. No surprise there. He had bought two pipes when he got his cigarettes. His disability payment was waiting for him when we got home. A ride to his friends including a stop at the liquor store to 'pick up alcohol for his friend'. I'm never to sure how to handle these situations as I know I can't completely stop him from buying alcohol or using. I also forgot to make sure he had his meds with him when he left. So he smoked pot, drank alcohol and didn't take his meds on Monday night, on top of not really being stable as it is. Picked him up yesterday afternoon and he was not doing to well. Really distracted. Picked his sister up from visiting a friend and she was in the car for a bit before he even realized that she was there. Had to repeat everything 2-3 times. Took out his laptop but didn't get on it. Not a good sign when my son is to distracted to get on his computer. He has hardly been on it since before we left on our trip. Randomly decided to go for a walk stating that he is stressed and needs to get out. Another bad sign. When he says stressed that seems to mean symptomatic or at the very least racing thoughts which would explain how distracted he is. He says he is not hearing voices but I can't be sure. He says he doesn't have any weed. Again I can't be sure. I messaged his friend and asked him my son had left with any weed and he said no but he did leave with vodka. It took two searches of his room to find that as the first time I checked his backpack it wasn't in there but was the second time. I got rid of it. Usually I tell him that I have done this but this time I decided not to say anything, well I haven't yet. He knows the rules so if he wants to waste his money on alcohol going down the drain then so be it.
Getting him to take his meds was about an 8 hours ordeal. I finally got them into him at around 5 this morning after he had been up all night. Not good since I don't think he slept at his friends either. He kept saying that he was going to take them but wouldn't as he needed to think first. Not easy trying to 'nicely' persuade him without triggering what I call his ODD. Then when he finally did take them he dropped them. I think we may have missed .5 of his Risperdone but I did manage to give him a Trazadone so hopefully he will sleep for a long time. Even with the pills it took him over an hour to go to sleep. Not good.
I'm waiting for his nurse to call me back. I'm really thinking that we should have upped his Clozapine after the Adderall however I didn't want to trigger his ODD however it is pretty apparent that he is not recovering very well. Perhaps his nurse will have a solution. He is just not stable enough to withstand missed doses or lack of sleep. Or any weed it would seem.
Yesterday evening we went to pick up our hamster from my hubby's sister who hamster-sat for us. But first we took my daughter to a parking lot so that she could try driving. She also got her learners driving license before we left to head back home. Another proud moment. Of course she badgered us the whole drive home to let her drive.
Don't know if you can see it but that tire mark was my daughter's doing. Granted, I don't think she staled which is better then I usually do in a standard.
Well it's 2 PM and I have effectively managed to spend my day so far on my computer. Yes I missed it! I guess I should go and put a little more effort into waking my daughter and perhaps put in another call to my son's nurse before I hit the shower. Dreading the idea of causing all my mosquito bits to itch at once. I have managed to get bitten 27 times within the past 4-5 days. Yup I counted. 27 of them and some of them are nasty. FYI vinegar works just as good as After Bite or Benadryl and you only smell like french fries for about 5-10 minutes.
Mom
BarbieBF
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Fireworks
I didn't get to blog yesterday morning. I was a little distracted by my downstairs neighbor and her shenanigans. The night before I called the police to lodge a noise complaint as I could feel it in my floor again. That never goes over good with her. They gave her a warning and she threatened to sue them... 10 pm she is banging on the walls, just in case we wanted some sleep. 8 am yesterday morning she decides to put on her stereo with the volume low but I guess the bass turned up so at 8 am my floor is humming and then she goes out until 12, leaving the stereo on. Compared to what I usually have to listen to and what we were privileged to listen to until 4 pm after she came home, the humming was somewhat of a relief. Around 5 pm my hubby was putting together his new night stand and had to hammer 3 nails. By the 2nd nail she's yelling: Keep it down, show some respect, some of us are trying to live here don't you know, I'm calling the cops... Sometimes listening to her is like listening to my son when he is not doing well. I wonder if she realizes that she is admitting that somewhere in her head she recognizes that her own behavior is disrespectful.
My son spent Friday night at his friend's again. Just before he went we butted heads. I'm afraid I lost it on him a little bit. I'm really not liking the Adderall and Monday morning can't come quick enough for me to call PACT and hopefully get him off it. 4 days ago on Wednesday (2nd day of Adderall) when my hubby had picked up my son from school and on Friday, my son is telling us that he is going to have what we would call another break but what he calls his spiritual quest, within the next month, and that there is nothing that we can do to stop it. He needs to do this. He has been writing notes again on his computer. Some of it in code... Not a good sign. On one hand he is telling me that he has gone as far as he can go in his spiritual quest as he has all the answers yet at the same time he needs to have another break... My interpretation would be that he now has more questions. His voices seem to tempt him with the promise of knowledge if he does certain things. I really wish that he could see that this spiritual quest as he calls it only leads to more and more unanswered questions while life keeps passing him by. 4 years of looking for answers that don't exist is not enough? I threatened to video tape his next break. Honestly I'm seriously thinking about doing this. He needs to see what I see when this happens not what his mind makes up to cope with and rationalize something that in my opinion can't be rationalized. I remind him of the fact that he thought that he was a vampire, that he was literally chewing on my fingernails and that he was so distracted by voices that his head looked like it was on a swivel and he could hardly speak or hold a real life conversation. What is spiritual about that? What is spiritual about not eating or sleeping for days and thinking that the devil may be trying to take over your body? So yes I lost it a little bit. Apparently this was causing him to be too stressed and I was pushing him into a break. We have been discussing stress a little bit, since he started the Adderall, stress that he has been experiencing since he was 15. I think what he is calling stress is in fact psychosis. It seems to be how his mind is recognizing it. We picked him up from his friend's yesterday. His mood seems a bit better however I can still see it on his face and around his eyes that he is not doing good. He has a certain look around his eyes when he is experiencing psychosis. It almost looks like being high but is different somehow.
This weekend were we life is a music festival at the local park. Thursday to Sunday, 4 or 5 stages of free bands. Last night was fireworks that I really wanted to see. My mom loved fireworks. Watching them is a happy and a little tearful event for me as I feel like I'm watching them with her. She passed in 2001. We left around 9 and walked down to the park. I got my son out of his track pants and into a pair of jeans. He was fairly distracted most of the time while we were there. You can see it on his face and you can tell that he was having a hard time concentrating on what we were saying to him. Granted the park was packed with people and noise but still I know the signs by now and what I am seeing is not good.
Hubby is waiting for me to make up my mind on what we are going to do today, it's already 11:30! We have been trying to go to a park on Sundays when the weather is good. I spend to much time indoors and hooked up to technology. The fresh air is good for me and I think it is good for my son as well to be away from his computer and out in nature. I think my son was up pretty late again last night. I know he was still up at 2 so I guess I need to find out if he wants to or is able to get up and go out with us today. My hubby needs a new mirror for the shower for shaving and I need to figure out what we need from the grocery store if we are going to go the park today. Decisions decisions... :) I'm thinking we may try out a new park today.
I have been trying to edit the video I took of the fireworks so that my son is not in it however I am having no luck so I only have this pic.
Mom
BarbieBF
My son spent Friday night at his friend's again. Just before he went we butted heads. I'm afraid I lost it on him a little bit. I'm really not liking the Adderall and Monday morning can't come quick enough for me to call PACT and hopefully get him off it. 4 days ago on Wednesday (2nd day of Adderall) when my hubby had picked up my son from school and on Friday, my son is telling us that he is going to have what we would call another break but what he calls his spiritual quest, within the next month, and that there is nothing that we can do to stop it. He needs to do this. He has been writing notes again on his computer. Some of it in code... Not a good sign. On one hand he is telling me that he has gone as far as he can go in his spiritual quest as he has all the answers yet at the same time he needs to have another break... My interpretation would be that he now has more questions. His voices seem to tempt him with the promise of knowledge if he does certain things. I really wish that he could see that this spiritual quest as he calls it only leads to more and more unanswered questions while life keeps passing him by. 4 years of looking for answers that don't exist is not enough? I threatened to video tape his next break. Honestly I'm seriously thinking about doing this. He needs to see what I see when this happens not what his mind makes up to cope with and rationalize something that in my opinion can't be rationalized. I remind him of the fact that he thought that he was a vampire, that he was literally chewing on my fingernails and that he was so distracted by voices that his head looked like it was on a swivel and he could hardly speak or hold a real life conversation. What is spiritual about that? What is spiritual about not eating or sleeping for days and thinking that the devil may be trying to take over your body? So yes I lost it a little bit. Apparently this was causing him to be too stressed and I was pushing him into a break. We have been discussing stress a little bit, since he started the Adderall, stress that he has been experiencing since he was 15. I think what he is calling stress is in fact psychosis. It seems to be how his mind is recognizing it. We picked him up from his friend's yesterday. His mood seems a bit better however I can still see it on his face and around his eyes that he is not doing good. He has a certain look around his eyes when he is experiencing psychosis. It almost looks like being high but is different somehow.
This weekend were we life is a music festival at the local park. Thursday to Sunday, 4 or 5 stages of free bands. Last night was fireworks that I really wanted to see. My mom loved fireworks. Watching them is a happy and a little tearful event for me as I feel like I'm watching them with her. She passed in 2001. We left around 9 and walked down to the park. I got my son out of his track pants and into a pair of jeans. He was fairly distracted most of the time while we were there. You can see it on his face and you can tell that he was having a hard time concentrating on what we were saying to him. Granted the park was packed with people and noise but still I know the signs by now and what I am seeing is not good.
Hubby is waiting for me to make up my mind on what we are going to do today, it's already 11:30! We have been trying to go to a park on Sundays when the weather is good. I spend to much time indoors and hooked up to technology. The fresh air is good for me and I think it is good for my son as well to be away from his computer and out in nature. I think my son was up pretty late again last night. I know he was still up at 2 so I guess I need to find out if he wants to or is able to get up and go out with us today. My hubby needs a new mirror for the shower for shaving and I need to figure out what we need from the grocery store if we are going to go the park today. Decisions decisions... :) I'm thinking we may try out a new park today.
I have been trying to edit the video I took of the fireworks so that my son is not in it however I am having no luck so I only have this pic.
Mom
BarbieBF
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