I took part in my daughter's counselling session today and afterwords I was thinking about something her counselor said. Something to the affect of: It took me a long time to not feel guilty about enjoying my alone time.
I don't know when I stopped feeling guilty as a general rule. Sure there are times when I feel guilt. Like when my son calls and I'm putting my grandson to sleep so I don't answer my phone. I know why he is calling. So yes I feel fleeting moments of it.
I regret a lot of things that have happened but no I don't feel guilt about them anymore. I certainly don't feel guilty about what I feel. Good or bad.
Over the years there have been phrases or teachings that I have held on to. Some are from a rehabilitation course that I took, others from my many hours reading articles on the internet.
There are no right or wrong feelings. We can't not feel what we feel. We can learn to act and react differently to those feelings.
Give yourself the same love and compassion you would someone else. I may expect more from myself that I do others however I'm not harder on myself for those expectations.
My daughter has been having a bit of a tough time emotionally. Adjusting to being a mother doesn't happen overnight. Yes there are and will be times when one wants to walk away from it all. Hand over the crying baby, call someone, anyone, and spend the whole night playing cards....
There are times when I don't want to be Gramma. Strike that. There are times when I don't want to me mom, still. I can feel guilty for feeling that way or I can accept that what I feel is natural and in my opinion, to be expected.
When I give myself the right to feel these things without guilt and react to them with love and compassion then they don't feel so overwhelming anymore. I can feel them and let them pass, as they do.
I wouldn't give up being Mom or Gramma for the world. So letting guilt over feelings that I have no control over, get a hold on me, just doesn't make sense to me.
Sometimes I say things that could be left unsaid. Do things that didn't have to be done. For those things I feel regret. I don't feel guilt. At that moment in time it felt justified or I would not have done or said them.
We have enough things to weigh us down without adding the very things that make us human.
BarbieBF
Mom
Gramma
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2017. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, March 17, 2017
Sunday, February 26, 2017
The Proverbial Housewife
Yes that's me....
The one that is sitting at home putting away groceries and doing laundry while everyone else is off doing their thing.
My daughter is at the mall, 'running away from home' or me. Dare I say, being a brat.
Something that I haven't shared about the amazing birth of my grandson is that several days after his birth I became his primary caregiver.
As of yesterday I am now supervisor... In my eyes I don't really see much of a distinction in the two roles as my daughter is still limited to two or three hours a day of unsupervised time with her son.
I feel stuck. Stuck in a situation of my own choosing because of the things that I think are important. Family.
Over the last several months I have heard more times than I can count phrases like: You're a homebody and don't like to go out. You are home anyways. You want to be home. You don't like going on these outings.
Yes I'm a homebody. I love my home and have little reason to seek enjoyment or anything else outside of it. That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy getting out of it. That doesn't mean that there aren't times when I want to 'run away' from the stress and responsibilities that are here. That doesn't mean that I don't want to spend some one on one time going for a drive with my husband.
My daughter and I have been butting heads for the last little bit. Mom speaking up doesn't seem to go over well with my children. :)
Any relationship needs a certain amount of give and take. Right now I'm feeling like a much worn out doormat. Feed him, change him, put him to bed, babysit... But don't tell me that I'm not burping him right (at all), getting up with him or question any of the other decisions that I'm making.
If she was living on her own then making decisions on what items to get rid of or what trips she would like to take or even her sleep schedule would be completely in her control and the consequences of those decisions would be completely on here. Such is not currently the case.
Yesterday it was about how she was feeding him. Today I have set her off by commenting on the fact that she is wanting to give away something that I use every morning to feed her son. Is it hers to give away? Absolutely. That's not really the point. Being an adult doesn't mean making decisions without taking other people into consideration. Certainly not the people that are there everyday. However when I say something I'm treating her like a child.
The other thing that is gnawing at me is money. I'm not asking for a lot considering we are helping out with pretty much everything. So yes when I see/hear my daughter talking about doing things with her money when I'm looking at the fact that we don't have enough money right now to cover what is coming out on the 1st, I tend to get a bit edgy.
When I comment on these types of things well she gets to go to the mall while I get dropped off at home to put away the groceries. When I let lose some of that frustration my husband walks out slamming the door.
Why did it frustrate me that she was going to the mall? She doesn't have a key so even as she is getting away from me and my criticism she is counting on me to be there when she gets home. Why? Because I love being at home. How much you wanna bet that right now I would rather be somewhere else?
Guess what... Where am I going to go and with whom? I don't have any friends. I don't have a life outside of the home because years ago I made the choice to leave my job, stay at home and eventually dedicate my life to my family.
My husband gave her his key. Called and asked if I wanted to go with him on his next drive about. My first thought: Hell yeah! Guess what? That will be leaving my daughter unsupervised for a lot longer then two or three hours. I'm the only one that thinks like that. :(
Recently she was visiting family and I'm pretty sure got used to barely being supervised at all. No that wasn't a good thing... She did however become more comfortable in the role of motherhood. That tends to happen when you are expected to do...
Now the honeymoon phase of her return is over and I'm trying to yet again find that balance between support and enabling.
Why can't I expect to be treated like others? Given a certain amount of respect and consideration? Not be lashed out at just because I make a comment that isn't to her liking? Why can't I expect her to step up without all the attitude?
So yeah as I listen to my daughter and husband talk about her working outside of the home. Getting baby daddy a job. My daughter looking down on the job I do have because I don't get paid frequently. My husband saying: Why can't you get a job?
Yes I guess I could if I wasn't the proverbial housewife.
Anyways, some laundry is calling my name. Thanks for listening.
Mom
Gramma
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
The one that is sitting at home putting away groceries and doing laundry while everyone else is off doing their thing.
My daughter is at the mall, 'running away from home' or me. Dare I say, being a brat.
Something that I haven't shared about the amazing birth of my grandson is that several days after his birth I became his primary caregiver.
As of yesterday I am now supervisor... In my eyes I don't really see much of a distinction in the two roles as my daughter is still limited to two or three hours a day of unsupervised time with her son.
I feel stuck. Stuck in a situation of my own choosing because of the things that I think are important. Family.
Over the last several months I have heard more times than I can count phrases like: You're a homebody and don't like to go out. You are home anyways. You want to be home. You don't like going on these outings.
Yes I'm a homebody. I love my home and have little reason to seek enjoyment or anything else outside of it. That doesn't mean that I don't enjoy getting out of it. That doesn't mean that there aren't times when I want to 'run away' from the stress and responsibilities that are here. That doesn't mean that I don't want to spend some one on one time going for a drive with my husband.
My daughter and I have been butting heads for the last little bit. Mom speaking up doesn't seem to go over well with my children. :)
Any relationship needs a certain amount of give and take. Right now I'm feeling like a much worn out doormat. Feed him, change him, put him to bed, babysit... But don't tell me that I'm not burping him right (at all), getting up with him or question any of the other decisions that I'm making.
If she was living on her own then making decisions on what items to get rid of or what trips she would like to take or even her sleep schedule would be completely in her control and the consequences of those decisions would be completely on here. Such is not currently the case.
Yesterday it was about how she was feeding him. Today I have set her off by commenting on the fact that she is wanting to give away something that I use every morning to feed her son. Is it hers to give away? Absolutely. That's not really the point. Being an adult doesn't mean making decisions without taking other people into consideration. Certainly not the people that are there everyday. However when I say something I'm treating her like a child.
The other thing that is gnawing at me is money. I'm not asking for a lot considering we are helping out with pretty much everything. So yes when I see/hear my daughter talking about doing things with her money when I'm looking at the fact that we don't have enough money right now to cover what is coming out on the 1st, I tend to get a bit edgy.
When I comment on these types of things well she gets to go to the mall while I get dropped off at home to put away the groceries. When I let lose some of that frustration my husband walks out slamming the door.
Why did it frustrate me that she was going to the mall? She doesn't have a key so even as she is getting away from me and my criticism she is counting on me to be there when she gets home. Why? Because I love being at home. How much you wanna bet that right now I would rather be somewhere else?
Guess what... Where am I going to go and with whom? I don't have any friends. I don't have a life outside of the home because years ago I made the choice to leave my job, stay at home and eventually dedicate my life to my family.
My husband gave her his key. Called and asked if I wanted to go with him on his next drive about. My first thought: Hell yeah! Guess what? That will be leaving my daughter unsupervised for a lot longer then two or three hours. I'm the only one that thinks like that. :(
Recently she was visiting family and I'm pretty sure got used to barely being supervised at all. No that wasn't a good thing... She did however become more comfortable in the role of motherhood. That tends to happen when you are expected to do...
Now the honeymoon phase of her return is over and I'm trying to yet again find that balance between support and enabling.
Why can't I expect to be treated like others? Given a certain amount of respect and consideration? Not be lashed out at just because I make a comment that isn't to her liking? Why can't I expect her to step up without all the attitude?
So yeah as I listen to my daughter and husband talk about her working outside of the home. Getting baby daddy a job. My daughter looking down on the job I do have because I don't get paid frequently. My husband saying: Why can't you get a job?
Yes I guess I could if I wasn't the proverbial housewife.
Anyways, some laundry is calling my name. Thanks for listening.
Mom
Gramma
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Who needs toddlers when....
you have three, one of them a frisky not yet a year old, cats?
Just sitting her listening to Frosty run around, bugging the other two cats while he has one of his frisky moments as I call them. Where nothing is safe and nowhere is out of reach!
I know I haven't been around. Sorry about that... Yesterday I popped onto blogger and noticed the number of times my pages have been viewed. They are all over 400 views! Wow.
I have about an hour in between work shifts so thought I would stop in and say hi. *waves*
I hope that everyone is doing ok, or at least surviving.
Sometimes I feel a bit guilty for not coming here often however for right now my life is not about schizophrenia or mental illness and honestly I'm loving it. I'm sure there will come a time when I'm yet again living and breathing schizophrenia and therefore pouring my soul out here but for right now life is good.
If you are reading, I'm sure you are wondering how my son is doing. Not bad actually. He calls fairly regularly and sometimes when he doesn't want anything. ;)
Financially I'm not helping him much. I try to send him cigarettes every couple of weeks as I know he doesn't have much spending money. He's in a long term treatment facility. He has his own room and a fair amount of freedom providing he follows the rules. If he gets drug tested and it comes back positive then he loses some privileges. His medications are being administered to him. As far as I know he is still on Clozapine and Lithium.
As part of some of the programs or services they provide there, he participates in doing things that pay him a small fee. He goes out on outings like snow boarding.
Recently he started a medication that is supposed to help with alcohol cravings. I haven't looked up which medication. The last time I talked to him I asked him why he was doing it because not wanting to drink doesn't sound like my son to me. He agreed that he didn't want to stop drinking but his doctor wanted him to try it so he is. My theory is that he is hoping that it will get him transferred out of there faster if he does what they want. Either way if it helps... Regardless of his motivation it shows that he is able to look at long term goals and what is needed to achieve them.
I can't wait for tomorrow...
My daughter and grandson have been away since before Christmas! We will be picking them up at the airport tomorrow morning. Can't wait to hold that baby in my arms! My daughter too. ;)
Hubby and I are doing great. As much as we are looking forward to tomorrow morning, we have very much enjoyed our one on one time.
Going to go warm up my coffee and head back to work. I'll try not to be such a stranger...
Love
BarbieBF
Mom
Grandma
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Just sitting her listening to Frosty run around, bugging the other two cats while he has one of his frisky moments as I call them. Where nothing is safe and nowhere is out of reach!
I know I haven't been around. Sorry about that... Yesterday I popped onto blogger and noticed the number of times my pages have been viewed. They are all over 400 views! Wow.
I have about an hour in between work shifts so thought I would stop in and say hi. *waves*
I hope that everyone is doing ok, or at least surviving.
Sometimes I feel a bit guilty for not coming here often however for right now my life is not about schizophrenia or mental illness and honestly I'm loving it. I'm sure there will come a time when I'm yet again living and breathing schizophrenia and therefore pouring my soul out here but for right now life is good.
If you are reading, I'm sure you are wondering how my son is doing. Not bad actually. He calls fairly regularly and sometimes when he doesn't want anything. ;)
Financially I'm not helping him much. I try to send him cigarettes every couple of weeks as I know he doesn't have much spending money. He's in a long term treatment facility. He has his own room and a fair amount of freedom providing he follows the rules. If he gets drug tested and it comes back positive then he loses some privileges. His medications are being administered to him. As far as I know he is still on Clozapine and Lithium.
As part of some of the programs or services they provide there, he participates in doing things that pay him a small fee. He goes out on outings like snow boarding.
Recently he started a medication that is supposed to help with alcohol cravings. I haven't looked up which medication. The last time I talked to him I asked him why he was doing it because not wanting to drink doesn't sound like my son to me. He agreed that he didn't want to stop drinking but his doctor wanted him to try it so he is. My theory is that he is hoping that it will get him transferred out of there faster if he does what they want. Either way if it helps... Regardless of his motivation it shows that he is able to look at long term goals and what is needed to achieve them.
I can't wait for tomorrow...
My daughter and grandson have been away since before Christmas! We will be picking them up at the airport tomorrow morning. Can't wait to hold that baby in my arms! My daughter too. ;)
Hubby and I are doing great. As much as we are looking forward to tomorrow morning, we have very much enjoyed our one on one time.
Going to go warm up my coffee and head back to work. I'll try not to be such a stranger...
Love
BarbieBF
Mom
Grandma
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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