This blog for me has been a life saver. Without it I would probably have ended up on medications a long time ago in order to deal with the stress and anxiety of taking care of my son. It's my place to vent. To get my emotions and thoughts out. No right or wrong. And yes sometimes I hate my son... Not who he is underneath all of the symptoms of schizophrenia, ADHD, ODD and what have you but the symptoms, attitudes and just plane old bullshit that I sometimes have to deal with that at times make up who my son is and yes I hate it. Like right now...
I only caught the tail end of this little rant. "This is my fucking house. I'm not a fucking disgrace like you." (Only the first couple of seconds - the rest is silence)
Yes today I'm a disgrace because I won't take him over to his friend's to drink and get high. I also won't buy him more cigarettes when he already has a carton. Oh and I won't agree to the purchase of a $300 tablet or something for his birthday.
Yesterday my son was all of a sudden being nice... His tone completely changed to that I want something tone. He let me know that his WOW subscription had expired and why did I get it for him if I wasn't going to keep paying for it? Then last night he wakes me up to ask about me helping to pay for a present... Even in my half sleep state my mind registered there must be something up. He wouldn't be asking so nicely or commenting 'That was easy' when I first said yes I would think about it. Same with the cigarettes. As soon as I said no to more cigarettes, his whole tone, body language changed to swearing and telling me what a disgrace I am. I couldn't even look at his face and had to look away as his face was... ugly.
These are the cold hard facts of what it is to deal with some forms of mental illness. It's not pretty or wrapped up all nice in a pink bow. It's ugly and it's hateful and it's enough to make anyone want to run for the hills. As parents and caregivers we are supposed to be compassionate, empathetic, sympathetic and understand that when our loved ones lash out, it's not them - it's the illness. No judgments. Guess what? We are only human too and we have feelings and those feelings get hurt and trampled on daily. Our basic human rights to be treated with even the minimum amount of respect and courtesy are null and void. Our homes that we are responsible for are being taken over by temper tantrums, mood swings and psychotic behaviors. We do everything in our power to do the right thing. To love with boundaries. To keep them stable and safe, sometimes to our own detriment and harm.
On the Dr. Phil show this mom was being told, I think by her sister? that her son's problems was a parenting issue. Like I said I wasn't really watching it, only hearing certain sentences so I could have heard this incorrectly. However it won't be the first or the last time that I have heard this. Family members, friends or perhaps even strangers that think that they could do it better.
I can only say to anyone that doesn't understand the horror, the heartache, the hurt and pain, the guilt and yes even the hate that is not without a broken heart full of love... Come into my home. Walk in my shoes. When my son is standing over you (he's about 6 feet tall, weighs about 180 pounds and is muscular), full of rage that you did nothing to provoke, refusing the medications that keep him stable because they are poison and affected his libido, threatening you with violence because you dared to say no... I'm open to suggestions. Because right now I don't know what to do.
I know that my son is currently not sick enough, not psychotic enough to be involuntarily admitted.
Schizophrenia.com - Recommended First Aid for Schizophrenia and Psychosis
CAMH - Creating a crisis plan
Treatment Advocacy Center - Psych Crisis Resource Kit
They are wonderful guidelines... Currently rereading and going through them now and updating medical information.
After his outburst that I didn't respond to he went to his room. I'm sitting here with these wonderful thoughts going through my head: Is he in their stewing? Is he suicidal? Is he just lying there listening to his voices? Is he going to eventually come out and apologize that he wasn't in control or come out still raging? Yes I know that he isn't in control. That would be why I'm sitting here with my boots on and my cell phone in my lap, just in case.
He did take the oral Invega last night however didn't take any Olanzapine.
Yes it is a disgrace. A disgrace that I need to choose between my son or my own safety. A disgrace that there is no where to go or so few housing resources available for my son (if he would even use them). A disgrace that no matter how much I give, it is never enough. And if I stop giving... A disgrace that schizophrenia has yet again buried my son somewhere within itself.
Credit to Understanding Schizophrenia - Poem