Friday as I was sitting there with my winter boots on and a sweater shivering, headache, sore throat, chills, fever and legs aching so much they really hurt... I realized that I had been hit with that proverbial mac truck called a cold. Ontario Canada has been getting hit bad right now and apparently my lack of interaction with the outside world didn't save me from it!
Yesterday while out with hubby and being on Tylenol Cold medicine for two days I can't say that I was feeling that much better. We had to take the 'new' car for emission testing and I was driving. I have barely driven in years so my confidence is non-existent in that department right now. Something I need to work on. Get to drive again today and take it back as the emission test didn't pass or fail... Something about the computer needing time and mileage to reset. So hubby wanted to take it on the highway. I kinda flipped a bit, which I usually do when going on the highway is mentioned. Not exactly a rational reaction however I told him he might as well be telling me that he wanted me to jump off the CN Tower. Anyways I think we straightened it out that he is not to put me on the spot like that about driving. I just wasn't up for it with how my body was feeling between the cold and the medicine. Somewhat surreal?
My son did eventually come out of his room. Walked down the hall, stood there looking at me for a couple of seconds then did some sort of funky chicken movement, laid down on the floor and said: I think I just had a seizure. He didn't fall to the floor. He put himself there. Not sure what he was trying to accomplish with that as I'm pretty sure what I saw happen was no seizure.
I did disconnect the internet for how he talked to me. He asked me for how long? I figured since we were on the topic I delved into how/why I became a disgrace. Was it voices or what? Well he was thinking that the voices were a disgrace. Ok but how does that make me one? Could he not distinguish between me and the voices? Apparently not. I told him that I didn't find that reassuring as in my eyes that could make him just a step away from where he was when he hit his Nana if he can't tell what is reality. Every time I bring up what happened with his Nana or him threatening his sister he has a different reason for why it happened. It was the voices, it was torture, he was dying... Personally I'm not sure that he confused me with the voices. I think he perhaps said what the voices were telling him. Really neither one of those scenarios is reassuring.
He has been much calmer since that happened. I checked to see what dosage his Invega is and it is 6 mg. Hopefully it is working. My son is likely in 'make up' mode because he wants some things. He wants the internet back, most likely for his porn since he isn't doing anything else on the laptop. He wants different cigarettes since the ones he is now smoking don't 'hit his throat'. He also asked if I was going to buy him more tobacco for his pipe.
Once my son asked if my cold medicine would help with his after cold that he thinks he has even though he didn't have a cold. I guess part of him is recognizing that he is sick? I just said: No Hun, what is wrong is not a cold or flu. He said that it could be because he is off his Lithium. Yes it could be...
I am in a couple of groups and it's something that a lot of us struggle with, trying to find that balance between love, boundaries, self-doubt and guilt. I know over the weekend I felt guilty for not taking my son with hubby and I when we went to do some car stuff. Hubby nicely told my son when he asked to come that the answer was no because he didn't like how he had talked to his mom. I think we did the right thing however that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty about it. We did take him grocery shopping with us later that day and my son did bring in the groceries. The comparison that always goes through my head is that when our children where toddlers we didn't allow them to do certain things like stick their fingers in electrical outlets. We couldn't explain to them what electricity was or even expect to have a rational discussion about it however we still expected them to learn not to do it. There was also consequences to doing things they weren't supposed to do.
Now he is 20... There are still rules and he still has to learn what is appropriate and what isn't and what behaviors will not be tolerated or rewarded.
We had a bit of a discussion about his living options. I again told him that I think he needs to be in a group home and I don't think that I will allow him to move back to BC. I speak pretty frankly with my son and I let him know that he needs the difference environment so that he can't use peoples feelings against them and manipulate people. Sometimes he comes out with some obvious truths when we are having these discussions. I think it was when hubby asked him why he would want to go back to BC after everything we have all been through? Because he wants complete leniency and no rules. His words :).
He doesn't want to be alone... Yes that does pull at my heartstrings. At the same time though, one day I will not be here and that is when he will be alone. And that is when I will have truly failed him because I did not do my best to push him or believe in him that he is capable of leading a life that is so much more then what it is now. I have seen it so I know it is possible. I told him that with any parent child relationship that eventually the child moves out on their own but that doesn't mean the parent stops loving the child. I will always be his mom and I'm doing this because I love him. Because I choice to believe that he is more then schizophrenia and addiction. That he is capable of having a girl friend, a job, his own place and things that he has gained for himself that he can be proud of.
He spoke to me about a hole that he has in his stomach. I told him that I think this is negative symptoms of schizophrenia or addiction/withdrawal. How do we fix this? By being on the right medications so that he can get stable and then start filling his life with meaningful things. Not euphoric happiness like getting high as that is not real. The more things you have in your life that have meaning, the smaller the hole...
At one point he did ask he if needs to be on more anti-psychotics. I don't know and only time will tell. He did take an Olanzapine last night as well as his Invega when he went to bed around 10:30 and he slept until after 12 today.
Time for me to go and get ready to go take the car down... He just asked for the internet back and wants me to consider what happened as him being an idiot and having a temper tantrum that he only swore at me once. He may be right there that I only got swore at directly once and that is the consequences. One day for each offence...
Mom
BarbieBF
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