Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Tactile Hallucinations and Behavioral Issues

Monday as my son and I were getting ready to take the car down for the emissions testing he asked me how he could stop 'them' from attacking him. Them being his voices or entities. They had been attacking his privates the night before. I explained to him that these are what is called tactile hallucinations. I had read about this type of thing happening on the forum so I wasn't taken off guard when he asked about it. I told him that that are a lot of different types of hallucinations and he says that he has experienced several of them. Wikipedia has a list: Wikipedia - Hallucinations.

While we were waiting for the car, I logged into the forum on my phone and showed him some posts from other people who have experienced this. I created him an account a little while ago as I want him to be able to start understanding and knowing that he is not alone in what he is experiencing. So far he has not used it that I'm aware of. I don't know if this helped him or not.

I told my son that I'm glad that he is finally reaching a point where he is able to consider that what he is experiencing is schizophrenia symptoms. He wants my help to spiritually deal with what he is going through. What he is going through is NOT spiritual. It's manifestations of his symptoms. Wanting to get the government involved or create a government to rule the world is a grandiose delusion. There is no one government that rules the world. I know that it must be hard to accept the idea that what seems so real is part of a disease and that his brain is 'playing tricks on him'.

How do we stop it? I'm not sure why he is believing that it can't be stopped. I have reminded him several times that we know that it can be stopped because he has been positive and negative symptom free of schizophrenia, so it is obviously possible. Before the Adderall in June, 2014 my son was symptom free or in remission. It IS possible providing he be medication compliant and stay away from marijuana.

The good thing that seems to have come from him experiencing this is that he is now taking his Invega and Olanzapine as prescribed.

For the longest time I didn't discuss my son's schizophrenia with him. Recently I have not been so guarded about that and I do discuss his schizophrenia as matter-of-factly as I can. It's a pretty big elephant in the room that can't be ignored. We have gone through phases where my son would get mad if I even mentioned his schizophrenia to being mad that I never ask him about it... Typical no win situation :)

Yesterday after he got up I asked him how he was? Good. How he slept? Good. Then I asked him if he had experienced any more tactile hallucinations? No. How are the entities, are they bothering you? This last question was I guess too much... Why are you asking?! I see this sometimes on the forum. My parents don't understand. My mom never asks me about my schizophrenia. My dad never asks me about me. Seriously talk about no win scenarios. We are judged either way. If we mention symptoms than we are being mean or rude. If we don't mention or ask then we are being uncaring and don't understand. We can only understand what one helps us to understand. We are not telepathic, we don't have crystal balls and we are not psychic. Sorry we are just human beings.

This is random... The other day I was thinking about how heavy my purse was. Aside from normal purse items I have been carrying around several different medications and supplements that I don't want being abused. I had my son's Neurotin and my hubby's Concerta that I haven't taken back for disposal at the pharmacy , 2 bottles of 5-HTP and sometimes I have my son's other medications and even my own sleeping pills if I'm concerned about him being suicidal. My son had also cut up his Trazodone into quarters that he had in his jacket in a sandwich baggy that I took out yesterday and put in my purse for disposal at the pharmacy along with the Lithium. I can't imagine what explaining I would have to do to a police officer if he pulled me over and went through my purse! Do a urine test, blood test, hair sample test... I swear Officer I'm not abusing all these!

I have blogged before about how I get upset when I'm being told that my son's actions are behavioral. I have been trying to give this some serious thought and perhaps there is some truth in this observation. It would be nice if I could chalk up all my son's actions to schizophrenia and/or related disorders however that may not always be the case. There are confabulations or lies without the intention to deceive. My son outright tells lies and knows that he is lying. There is breaks with reality and delusional thinking. My son knows when he is manipulating people. Losing control while experiencing psychosis and symptoms. My son will threaten me with losing control when I don't give him what he wants. These things are behavioral and are things that he does have a choice in doing or not.

He is not liking that I won't buy him more cigarettes. When I told him that he should be grateful for what he is being provided his response was that he would be grateful for more... Somehow he missed the idea behind being grateful. Yesterday he started again about me buying him more tobacco for the tobacco pipe I got him for Christmas. Why did I get it for him if I wasn't going to buy him more tobacco? When I tried to talk and reply he cut me off and wouldn't let me talk. Then he went into how it is stronger tobacco and how it is furthering his addiction, all reasons that I have been telling him to be careful with it and not overdue it. So because I'm not buying him more then he is going to go through withdrawal, become cranky and I will have to deal with it... I had to laugh as I replied: Because your such a joy to be around now. He didn't like that and went out to smoke his pipe. This isn't schizophrenia or ADHD... It's my son trying to manipulate me. A side note to this is the tobacco I'm having to clean up after him where he is dumping his pipe all over the step and walkway coming into the building.

A little while later I said to him: This is why I want you in a group home because here you are just take, take, take and you give nothing in return. It's like you have no respect or consideration for anything or anyone. He looked me straight in the eyes and said: You're right, I don't. Yes I know. Just because you are my son and I love you that doesn't mean that I don't see.

He has asked about doing chores for money for tobacco... If he is capable of doing chores then he should be doing them and no I'm not going to pay him for doing them. Of course that means he won't do them or anything else for that matter because why should he do anything for anyone else? It must be hard for him to deal with people who don't think the sun shines out of his butt ;)

A worker from PACT dropped off more Invega yesterday. She had called my son before she came and let him know that she was on her way. When she showed up my son refused to even sit up on the sofa... When she left I told him that that was a little bit rude. My son is not above knowing or learning courtesy and manners. Someone was doing something for him and yes he should at least acknowledge it and put forth some effort to be polite. He said that it wasn't rude because he wasn't trying to be rude. I told him to remember that the next time he is accusing me of being rude because that is something I have never tried to be.

So we butted heads yesterday over him lying on the sofa all day. I have asked him repeatedly to not treat the living room like a bedroom. He needs to put forth some effort to do something, anything other then lying around doing nothing all day and then being up, keeping everyone else awake until all hours in the morning. The night before he kept waking my husband up until after 1:30 when he has to get up for work at 5. Last night it was until after 12.

My son tells me yesterday that he doesn't want to ever see me lying down on the sofa. Really! The fact that he even thinks that he is justified or has the right to tell me what I can or can not do with or on my furniture in my living room... Yes I know it's his living room too. Actually it's not. He's allowed to use because me and my hubby say that he can.

After dinner he starts again. How can he watch TV if he can't relax on the sofa? There is a difference between relaxing or reclining and all out lying down. Again I'm being told that I should let him rearrange the living room. No. Well he is not some dog that... I don't recall the rest of that. Finally I said to him that he is 20 years old and to stop acting like he is 5. Well he is going to act like he is 2 or 3 and have temper tantrums. That's fine, children who are having temper tantrums need to be in their room so please go there. No! My husband asked him to go to his room. No! If we want him to move then we will have to drag him off the sofa... Hubby and I went to our room as the living room was so full of his attitude that we didn't want to be there. Twenty minutes later guess where he is... In his room sitting on a bed that he says is a piece of shit, on a laptop that we bought using internet that we are paying for.

What irks me is this. Why are we the parents the ones that are providing the home and usually everything else, the ones that have to hide in our rooms? I think back to my own childhood. The idea of treating anything that my parents gave or provided me with, with such disrespect... Privacy? I never expected it as long as I was living under my parents roof. If I wanted to act and do as I pleased then I needed to move out. If I wanted respect then I had to give respect. I didn't get paid for chores. I did them because it was expected that I contribute. No negotiations. There was no expectations that my parents provide me with any luxuries. I certainly didn't think that I had the right to tell my parents what to do...

My son has no idea what it can be like out there in the real world. He has never been literally 'out on the street'. I have. I know what it's like to walk around most of the night, in the winter, not knowing where I was going to sleep and being hungry. I ended up on someone's dirty sofa, watching my 'friend' eat while my stomach growled. Trust me after one night I was thankful for the warm bed in my mother's house, for food to eat and yes even chores to do.

I know that this all has to stop. If my son was in active psychosis then I would not hold him accountable for his actions however he is stable enough to be held accountable. He is aware of what he is doing and saying. To be blunt, he is being a disrespectful self-indulgent brat and I'm done rewarding this behavior. I know that my husband should be able to get a reasonable night sleep for work. I have considered the idea of giving my husband my son's room. This may sound harsh but seriously... My son doesn't appreciate the bed as it's a piece of shit, he doesn't want to use the room except to masturbate or for privacy when calling his Nana, he wants to sleep and/or lie on the sofa in the living room 24/7.

I have some thinking to do...


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