Firstly I would like to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
All I can think is wow what a year and I can't wait for it to be over...
At church I had my eyes opened to a word that I never really thought about before other then seeing it in the stores on advent calendars. You know the ones with little chocolates in it to countdown the days until Christmas. Well advent is the 4 weeks leading up to the celebration of the birth of Jesus.
I'm sure a lot has questioned the timing of this as I think most of us realize that Jesus wasn't born at Christmas. He was born sometime between March and October. While our calendars date the start of a new year in January... That was not always the case. Spring is the beginning. A time of renewal.
I seriously love Christmas! The last couple of years have been harder to celebrate and this year... I'm going to do my best to celebrate from the point of advent. A time to slow down and enjoy. A time of being grateful for what I do have. Yes a lot easier said than done.
We are pretty much settled into our new 'little' home. A lot to learn and a lot to not take for granted. Water, plumping, sewer, heating, condensation and cooking in a propane oven. All of it needs to be paid attention to and not taken for granted. I've pretty much got the timing of emptying our holding tanks figured out. Getting condensation in my closet and cupboards under control. Showering... Another adjustment on time and water management. Now it's trying to figure out how to cut down on drafts and better heat the place.
When it's just me and hubby here it's not so bad when it comes to lack of room. Add my son and sometimes my daughter and grandson. It gets a little tight. I feel bad when I tell my daughter no to babysitting however spending the day keeping the little one out of or away from my son and his 'mess' is not something one can look forward too. ;)
My son asked last night if he can half move in. He is going off of disability and the group home wants him to pay out of pocket more than what disability covered. I would have to agree with him that staying there wouldn't make sense. I have on occasion tried to look for housing for him. He's supposed to be getting help with this however I guess no one is having any luck with it.
Almost a month ago hubby had a mild stroke. He's gone off medications that he was taking to help stabilize his moods. Between that and his loss of feeling and functioning in his right side, it's hard for him to move around in such little space. Add my son who is in and out a lot of the night which keeps the trailer rocking and disturbing his sleep.
The doctor put hubby on blood pressure and cholesterol medications. His blood pressure is now the best it's been in years so that's a good thing. He's finally not bulking at me trying to put us on a better diet of less salt, sugar and just overall more healthy. Struggling to get used to his CPAP machine for sleep apnea. He needs to get used to it though as sleep apnea causes lack of oxygen to the brain therefore causing more stress on the body and therefor raising blood pressure.
Where am I at with all this? Most days struggling. A couple of times I've been all gung-ho about going back to work. Honestly a part of me is so looking forward to getting back out there around people and helping to financially support us. Okay... Just planning getting out of here. I feel stifled.
Each time I start something happens that makes me rethink what I'm doing. Aside for all the rest I'm in the beginning stages of menopause. Possible about to go fully menopausal. My normal cycle is every 21 days. Yup twice a month. I went 4-5 months where I only had 3. Great right! I started looking for work and ended up with 2 last month. Not so great as they hit me hard and heavy. Spent days fighting off a migraine.
Even if I didn't have to worry about that... Guess who does and takes care of pretty much everything? Am I supposed to work and come home and take care of everything at home too? I'm not even sure at this point how capable he is to cook for himself.
Edit: Section removed due to privacy reasons.
I guess the next decision we have to make is whether to let my son stay here from Monday to Friday every week. Last week we had discussed cutting it down a day.
Oh well... If any of my readers want to pray for us I would greatly appreciate it!
I probably won't blog again until the new year. Hopefully it will be with good news that at least his pension is sorted out!
Ohhh I felt my grandaughter move!
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 3, 2019
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Loss and Life Changes
It's been a month of changes that are still in the process of happening.
A month ago we lost my son-in-law to an unfortunate accident which set the wheels in motion for a lot of changes for all of us.
I am no longer Nanny to my grandson as he is now in daycare. He has adjusted wonderfully to the change. It's taking me a little more time however I'm getting there.
My daughter is about to start a new journey of being on her own, in her own place. She is also expecting a little girl in February. I'm going to have a granddaughter!
Hubby and I had to make some difficult choices on what to do next as we were in a bit of bind on where to go. Financially it was a pretty bad year for us so we didn't appear to have many options or resources available to us. With some nudging on my hubby's part we looked into the idea of buying a year round trailer to live in. With God's help and a lot of praying we got financing for a used fifth wheel RV.
Hubby applied for his pension just over a month ago and we are currently waiting for that to start paying. Praying we get the paperwork in the mail soon so that we have an income coming in. I'm looking into going back to work so that hubby doesn't have to. The next month will be a bit of juggling until things get straightened out.
The church that we belong to has been a great source of strength and help. Sometimes it's hard to not feel alone however with my faith in God and the people from church coming together in our time of need, it has been an uplifting experience of hope.
The next week or so will be us going through everything we own as we have to downsize a lot. The RV is fully furnished with not a lot of storage space so it's time to 'clean house'.
My son is doing great. I sometimes smile at the realization that he is the least of my concerns and handling his own life pretty good. He's being med compliant and even following through on his own with making calls etc to get his blood work done. I warned him last night that he may not want to visit me next week as I probably won't have any internet. He still wants to come.
I would have to check the date however I'm a year clean sometime this month! Yah me!
Until next time...
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
A month ago we lost my son-in-law to an unfortunate accident which set the wheels in motion for a lot of changes for all of us.
I am no longer Nanny to my grandson as he is now in daycare. He has adjusted wonderfully to the change. It's taking me a little more time however I'm getting there.
My daughter is about to start a new journey of being on her own, in her own place. She is also expecting a little girl in February. I'm going to have a granddaughter!
Hubby and I had to make some difficult choices on what to do next as we were in a bit of bind on where to go. Financially it was a pretty bad year for us so we didn't appear to have many options or resources available to us. With some nudging on my hubby's part we looked into the idea of buying a year round trailer to live in. With God's help and a lot of praying we got financing for a used fifth wheel RV.
Hubby applied for his pension just over a month ago and we are currently waiting for that to start paying. Praying we get the paperwork in the mail soon so that we have an income coming in. I'm looking into going back to work so that hubby doesn't have to. The next month will be a bit of juggling until things get straightened out.
The church that we belong to has been a great source of strength and help. Sometimes it's hard to not feel alone however with my faith in God and the people from church coming together in our time of need, it has been an uplifting experience of hope.
The next week or so will be us going through everything we own as we have to downsize a lot. The RV is fully furnished with not a lot of storage space so it's time to 'clean house'.
My son is doing great. I sometimes smile at the realization that he is the least of my concerns and handling his own life pretty good. He's being med compliant and even following through on his own with making calls etc to get his blood work done. I warned him last night that he may not want to visit me next week as I probably won't have any internet. He still wants to come.
I would have to check the date however I'm a year clean sometime this month! Yah me!
Until next time...
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Between a Rock and a Hard Place.
I have not been so unsure of what to do in a long time. My heart is aching, my brain is saying it's time and I'm stuck, just stuck! No one can tell me what to do and no one can know what the outcome will be. I sometimes wonder about parent/caregiver PTSD. Watching our loved ones go through psychotic breaks and episodes is traumatic. Even when stable the fear of if/when the next break will happen is a daily concern and worry. We live with the anxiety and stress of questioning everything that we do. Is this the right choice? Will this work or make things worse? What if what I'm doing is wrong? and even What if what I'm doing is right? Then what? When things are tough we put our heads down, square our shoulders and pray for the strength to just get through one more day. We have learned to ride the waves, so to speak, and to hope for calmer waters. Then one day those waves abate just a little bit and we can look up. New uncharted territory. Do we pull ashore or keep riding the waves we now have intimate knowledge of? Christopher Columbus would not have discovered a new continent if he had stayed in the boat!
I woke up this morning to the usual mess in my kitchen and living room with my son snoring away on the sofa. Again he had not taken his pills until sometime this morning. I call his name and he sits up. The sofa is soaked with his sweat. Sweat that smells like hot sauce. After several attempts and incoherent responses I finally get him off the sofa and tell him he needs to clean up some of this mess as my husband won't be able to find room to even make his lunch for work. He managed to pick up a couple of items from the coffee table before heading to the bathroom to hug the toilet. A result of him being mobile while sedating meds are strong in his system or something else, as he has been going for 'walks' again. He must not have been very coherent when he was eating a bowl of canned ravioli as it was smeared on the sofa and on the floor. So it's 4:30 AM and I'm spot cleaning the sofa! Not a happy camper but I hold my tongue, put on some coffee since I'm obviously up, then talk him into moving from the bathroom to his bed so I can go pee. This is one boat that I don't want to be on anymore!
But! What will happen when he's on his own and there is no one that loves him watching out for him? Are his roommates going to tolerate even a quarter of what I tolerate? I have visions of him looking and smelling like a bum. Dirty laundry, dirty bedding. Garbage filled room. Not eating right. Perhaps even missed medications with un-monitored marijuana use. I see a psychotic break in the makings. PTSD or being realistic?
So I'm stuck between this proverbial rock and a hard place. My head is saying it's time to let go and my heart is saying but my little boy... There in lies perhaps a very important truth. He will always be my little boy but he is no longer a little boy. If I don't step back then I am only stunting him further as he will never learn to take responsibility for his own life and self-care. He will continue to have unrealistic expectations of both himself and those around him. The thought of him being 30 and us still treading the same waters is perhaps my life line. I can't imagine another 10 years of being maid and minion to my adult son.
His nurse said to me this morning: He is the one always saying that he is an adult and wants to be treated like one. She also pointed out that him moving out doesn't mean that I will never see him again. I tell myself that kids grow up and move away from home everyday. Granted most of those kids have a firmer grasp on reality and don't have cognitive deficits. They have learned through school and part time jobs, good and bad, how things work. On the up side my son has a network of people willing to help him. Until now I have been the one doing the asking for him. Baby steps mama! I need to step back and he needs to step up! Have I talked myself into letting this happen yet? I think so... *pushes me the rock out of the way and baby steps around it*
An article on Caregivers & PTSD: http://dontloseheart.org/
Mom
BarbieBF
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Hormones, cabin fever or just life?
It's 9:16 am and all my windows are open to maximize the amount of fresh air flowing through my apartment. I can hear the birds chirping and the sun is shining and it is quiet! Blissfully quiet, except for the birds of course. Both my hubby and I woke up in a good mood this morning. He made his bed this morning (air-mattress actually, that he has been sleeping on to help ease my insomnia since he has restless leg and sleep apnea), folded his PJ's and texted me a little while ago that his sandwich had turned into a ball of tune, bread and cheese but he was able to lol about it. I made the coffee and kissed him good-bye at the door. Much better then yesterday when he left for work already having a bad day that just continued. I have to admit that lately I have not been overly nice to my hubby. Everyday I give myself this little pep talk that I will not snap at him, that I will not react to some of things that he says that irks me and that I will be more tolerant and loving. Perhaps if I literally wrote it out like they used to make us do lines in school? Or wear an elastic band and snap myself when I do react negatively? I have seriously thought about doing both of these things since the daily pep talk doesn't seem to be working as well as I had hoped. My good intentions go out the window as soon as he makes a comment that irks me. I'm trying to figure out why they are irking me so easily. Personally I believe that my hubby does have some sort of thought disorder along with his GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). He himself acknowledges that he may have ADD. So I think to myself: Why can I not give him the same patience and tolerance I give my son? Maybe it's because I'm giving all my patience and tolerance to my son :)
Maybe I need to up the amount of tinctures and supplements that I am taking to help me with menopausal symptoms. I know that I have more patience than I have been displaying lately so perhaps it's my hormones? Although I'm pretty sure it's not that since I have not been experiencing hot flashes (I used to) and my cycles are awesomely easily now in comparison to what they used to be and certainly aren't happening every two weeks like they were. No other signs that it would be hormonal. Well that kind of sucks. If it was then I could up my doses of the tinctures and my ESTROSmart supplement and walah all fixed.
Cabin fever maybe? There are times when I have this overwhelming urge to get out and away from here. Of course at those times I usually want to scream with frustration as well. But then on days like today, I am so thankful that I am able to be a stay at home housewife/caregiver. I really do love it. I love taking my time doing what I am doing even if it's learning how to make homemade bread or posting on the forum or thinking about how I'm going to rearrange my bedroom. For most of my life I didn't have this. Tough childhood, college and job, parenthood, addiction, job... Never much time for just being me. So while I do miss the hubbub of working in an office and yes even the stress and responsibilities of someone always needing me for something, I can't bring myself to want to give up what I currently have to go back to that. I guess that rules out cabin fever.
I guess that leaves just life. I guess it doesn't help that I don't have many friends outside of my immediate family and the internet. Actually I only have one friend and she is my best friend. We haven't talked in a while but even if we do go 3+ months without talking we seem to pick up right were we left off. I haven't seen her in well over a year. How time flies. Honestly though this doesn't bring me down as I don't need more. I think life is sort of at a stand still for me. I'm not sure what I want to do in the future. As much as I am loving being at home I can't stay this way forever. Eventually I will have to rejoin the workforce and the longer I'm out of it the harder it will be. I think that plays on my mind much more then I realize. Part of me feels bad that I am not doing something more productive with my life. Problem is though that I don't know what I want to do. This is a new experience where I actually have the option to make choices, not just go with the flow and do. I picked my college program based on my older sisters choice since I had no idea what I wanted to be. Office Administration (Legal). Granted it gave me a good understanding of office procedures and legal terminology which has served me well both professionally and privately however I have not pursued a career as a legal secretary. Mind you I did get pregnant before graduation ;) Instead I ended up working my way into a Manager of Finance position. Not where I want to be either.
So I am here. Sure of my past but not to sure of my future. The support to do what I want if I can just nail that down. Social worker is certainly an option. More schooling. Then there is my son. I just don't feel comfortable moving forward with that part of my life until I feel that he is more settled on his path. I sometimes wonder if I'm making excuses to not move forward as how can I ever be sure of his path when dealing with addiction and psychosis. Day to day is a grab bag of... who knows?
I do have this nagging dream of being a writer. That seems to be all I have to say about that. I really need to figure out what is holding me back from giving it that old college try... Fear of failing...
Aside from the laughter and the sunglasses yesterday my son seems to be improving. He ate a good dinner which is always good to see. After dinner we all went for a drive to get my son his cigarettes. 5 more cartons so 1000 cigarettes. We last got him 5 cartons on May 25 so 3.5 weeks ago. So averaging a 2 pack or 40 cigarettes a day habit. He was actually coming down from that and was probably worse then that a year ago. However this latest journey into psychosis land means an increase in smoking. Hopefully it was start to slow down some as he regains himself. Hubby and I quit smoking over a month ago so sometimes it's a little hard to take. After the drive for smokes we dropped him off at his friend's place for the night...
One of those rare occasions where hubby and I find ourselves alone for the night and I wasn't being cranky. I even managed without the aid of an elastic band to not got irked so that I would not get cranky and ruin our chances of a 'good' evening together. It worked! Hubby and I had a 'good' evening ;). As a couple we needed this. He is my main support in pretty much every way and our relationship needs the attention. I was a little bemused this morning when I saw my hubby's PJ's folded and not on the floor as usual. A little attention can go a long ways. We both woke up happy and in love. Not that we aren't in love all of the time but life's responsibilities can sometimes get in the way of acting out that love.
I have the whole day and the apartment to myself for the day! Perhaps I will finally get my packing done and play Barbie dress up. I have no idea what I'm going to wear for my daughter's graduation. Other then that I think everything is almost in order for us to leave tomorrow. Hubby will pick my son up on his way home from work today. In keeping with these loving feelings I will do my best to great my hubby at the door with a big hug and kiss. I used to all the time. Somehow life just got in the way.
Mom
BarbieBF
Maybe I need to up the amount of tinctures and supplements that I am taking to help me with menopausal symptoms. I know that I have more patience than I have been displaying lately so perhaps it's my hormones? Although I'm pretty sure it's not that since I have not been experiencing hot flashes (I used to) and my cycles are awesomely easily now in comparison to what they used to be and certainly aren't happening every two weeks like they were. No other signs that it would be hormonal. Well that kind of sucks. If it was then I could up my doses of the tinctures and my ESTROSmart supplement and walah all fixed.
Cabin fever maybe? There are times when I have this overwhelming urge to get out and away from here. Of course at those times I usually want to scream with frustration as well. But then on days like today, I am so thankful that I am able to be a stay at home housewife/caregiver. I really do love it. I love taking my time doing what I am doing even if it's learning how to make homemade bread or posting on the forum or thinking about how I'm going to rearrange my bedroom. For most of my life I didn't have this. Tough childhood, college and job, parenthood, addiction, job... Never much time for just being me. So while I do miss the hubbub of working in an office and yes even the stress and responsibilities of someone always needing me for something, I can't bring myself to want to give up what I currently have to go back to that. I guess that rules out cabin fever.
I guess that leaves just life. I guess it doesn't help that I don't have many friends outside of my immediate family and the internet. Actually I only have one friend and she is my best friend. We haven't talked in a while but even if we do go 3+ months without talking we seem to pick up right were we left off. I haven't seen her in well over a year. How time flies. Honestly though this doesn't bring me down as I don't need more. I think life is sort of at a stand still for me. I'm not sure what I want to do in the future. As much as I am loving being at home I can't stay this way forever. Eventually I will have to rejoin the workforce and the longer I'm out of it the harder it will be. I think that plays on my mind much more then I realize. Part of me feels bad that I am not doing something more productive with my life. Problem is though that I don't know what I want to do. This is a new experience where I actually have the option to make choices, not just go with the flow and do. I picked my college program based on my older sisters choice since I had no idea what I wanted to be. Office Administration (Legal). Granted it gave me a good understanding of office procedures and legal terminology which has served me well both professionally and privately however I have not pursued a career as a legal secretary. Mind you I did get pregnant before graduation ;) Instead I ended up working my way into a Manager of Finance position. Not where I want to be either.
So I am here. Sure of my past but not to sure of my future. The support to do what I want if I can just nail that down. Social worker is certainly an option. More schooling. Then there is my son. I just don't feel comfortable moving forward with that part of my life until I feel that he is more settled on his path. I sometimes wonder if I'm making excuses to not move forward as how can I ever be sure of his path when dealing with addiction and psychosis. Day to day is a grab bag of... who knows?
I do have this nagging dream of being a writer. That seems to be all I have to say about that. I really need to figure out what is holding me back from giving it that old college try... Fear of failing...
Aside from the laughter and the sunglasses yesterday my son seems to be improving. He ate a good dinner which is always good to see. After dinner we all went for a drive to get my son his cigarettes. 5 more cartons so 1000 cigarettes. We last got him 5 cartons on May 25 so 3.5 weeks ago. So averaging a 2 pack or 40 cigarettes a day habit. He was actually coming down from that and was probably worse then that a year ago. However this latest journey into psychosis land means an increase in smoking. Hopefully it was start to slow down some as he regains himself. Hubby and I quit smoking over a month ago so sometimes it's a little hard to take. After the drive for smokes we dropped him off at his friend's place for the night...
One of those rare occasions where hubby and I find ourselves alone for the night and I wasn't being cranky. I even managed without the aid of an elastic band to not got irked so that I would not get cranky and ruin our chances of a 'good' evening together. It worked! Hubby and I had a 'good' evening ;). As a couple we needed this. He is my main support in pretty much every way and our relationship needs the attention. I was a little bemused this morning when I saw my hubby's PJ's folded and not on the floor as usual. A little attention can go a long ways. We both woke up happy and in love. Not that we aren't in love all of the time but life's responsibilities can sometimes get in the way of acting out that love.
I have the whole day and the apartment to myself for the day! Perhaps I will finally get my packing done and play Barbie dress up. I have no idea what I'm going to wear for my daughter's graduation. Other then that I think everything is almost in order for us to leave tomorrow. Hubby will pick my son up on his way home from work today. In keeping with these loving feelings I will do my best to great my hubby at the door with a big hug and kiss. I used to all the time. Somehow life just got in the way.
Mom
BarbieBF
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