Tis the season. Merry Christmas!

Firstly I would like to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

All I can think is wow what a year and I can't wait for it to be over...

At church I had my eyes opened to a word that I never really thought about before other then seeing it in the stores on advent calendars. You know the ones with little chocolates in it to countdown the days until Christmas. Well advent is the 4 weeks leading up to the celebration of the birth of Jesus.

I'm sure a lot has questioned the timing of this as I think most of us realize that Jesus wasn't born at Christmas. He was born sometime between March and October. While our calendars date the start of a new year in January... That was not always the case. Spring is the beginning. A time of renewal.

I seriously love Christmas! The last couple of years have been harder to celebrate and this year... I'm going to do my best to celebrate from the point of advent. A time to slow down and enjoy. A time of being grateful for what I do have. Yes a lot easier said than done.

We are pretty much settled into our new 'little' home. A lot to learn and a lot to not take for granted. Water, plumping, sewer, heating, condensation and cooking in a propane oven. All of it needs to be paid attention to and not taken for granted. I've pretty much got the timing of emptying our holding tanks figured out. Getting condensation in my closet and cupboards under control. Showering... Another adjustment on time and water management. Now it's trying to figure out how to cut down on drafts and better heat the place.

When it's just me and hubby here it's not so bad when it comes to lack of room. Add my son and sometimes my daughter and grandson. It gets a little tight. I feel bad when I tell my daughter no to babysitting however spending the day keeping the little one out of or away from my son and his 'mess' is not something one can look forward too. ;)

My son asked last night if he can half move in. He is going off of disability and the group home wants him to pay out of pocket more than what disability covered. I would have to agree with him that staying there wouldn't make sense. I have on occasion tried to look for housing for him. He's supposed to be getting help with this however I guess no one is having any luck with it.

Almost a month ago hubby had a mild stroke. He's gone off medications that he was taking to help stabilize his moods. Between that and his loss of feeling and functioning in his right side, it's hard for him to move around in such little space. Add my son who is in and out a lot of the night which keeps the trailer rocking and disturbing his sleep.

The doctor put hubby on blood pressure and cholesterol medications. His blood pressure is now the best it's been in years so that's a good thing. He's finally not bulking at me trying to put us on a better diet of less salt, sugar and just overall more healthy. Struggling to get used to his CPAP machine for sleep apnea. He needs to get used to it though as sleep apnea causes lack of oxygen to the brain therefore causing more stress on the body and therefor raising blood pressure.

Where am I at with all this? Most days struggling. A couple of times I've been all gung-ho about going back to work. Honestly a part of me is so looking forward to getting back out there around people and helping to financially support us. Okay... Just planning getting out of here. I feel stifled.

Each time I start something happens that makes me rethink what I'm doing. Aside for all the rest I'm in the beginning stages of menopause. Possible about to go fully menopausal. My normal cycle is every 21 days. Yup twice a month. I went 4-5 months where I only had 3. Great right! I started looking for work and ended up with 2 last month. Not so great as they hit me hard and heavy. Spent days fighting off a migraine.

Even if I didn't have to worry about that... Guess who does and takes care of pretty much everything? Am I supposed to work and come home and take care of everything at home too? I'm not even sure at this point how capable he is to cook for himself.

Edit: Section removed due to privacy reasons.

I guess the next decision we have to make is whether to let my son stay here from Monday to Friday every week. Last week we had discussed cutting it down a day.

Oh well... If any of my readers want to pray for us I would greatly appreciate it!

I probably won't blog again until the new year. Hopefully it will be with good news that at least his pension is sorted out!

Ohhh I felt my grandaughter move!

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2019. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

'Tis the Season

It's been awhile...

I didn't escape getting sick after all. Ended up with an ear infection and bronchitis. All better now.

My daughter was here for 3 weeks. It was a great visit. She got in a lot of driving time, much to my hubby's despair the one day she went on the highway ;). Of course I was happily not paying attention to the speedometer... After that she kept to the speed limit in a quest to gain back his trust!

I have only spoken to my son a couple of times. The first time he was too busy smoking, drinking and whatever else to talk. The last time was earlier this week. He sounded not bad. At first I thought he sounded fairly clear headed then I realized it was more focused... He was happy that he had his head back as he had lost it and he has been listening to what his medications are doing to his head and body and doesn't like it. So yeah... focused just not really in a good way. Still he doesn't seem to be doing as bad as I feared.

On the home front things are good. Really good actually.

As each year passes I am learning to appreciate and love what I do have. I have always liked Christmas however now I can say that I love Christmas! It's not about the presents. It's just the fact that it is Christmas. I love my decorations and my villages that my daughter helped me to set up this year. Truthfully, after she got over her bah-humbug moment, she set up most of it.

I don't know if it's; that I'm getting older, what I have been through this past couple of years, or even my antidepressants. Honestly I don't care what the reason is, but I can say that I'm truly happy. I guess it stems from being truly grateful. I look at my home and I'm happy in it. I'm happy with who I am. I'm happy with the live that we are trying to build.

I wish that my children could be a big part of that life however I accept that they have to choose their own paths, good or bad.

Christmas is just around the corner and I would like to wish you all a wonderful holiday season!

Merry Ho Ho!
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Why am I never bored?

My son opened his presents on Christmas Eve. He really liked his tobacco pipe and accessories, was pleasantly surprised by his pocket watch and not surprisingly hasn't touched or looked at his Lego's since opening them even though he seemed to like the idea of getting them. 

Christmas day passed fairly quietly. I spent most of it in the kitchen. Started the turkey around 11, then made breakfast. Most of the afternoon I spent doing dishes, checking the turkey and then after our turkey dinner, which my son really enjoyed, was more dishes and making turkey soup. I think I finally finished in the kitchen around 9:30. 

Last night we had a short conversation about the fact that he is bored with life. He asked me if I was ever bored? Rarely... I'm capable of filling in my time quite easily. I have things in my life that have meaning for me. The forum and my blog are two things that can take up a lot of my time. I'm also the one doing most things at home and making sure everything is being taken care of. Honestly when would I have a chance to be bored when I have 2 males (and a daughter) in my life keeping me on my toes? I wouldn't mind a little boredom! 

Today my son's friend from across the hall knocked on the door and asked my son to come over... A little while later my son comes back and lies down on the sofa. I'm looking at his face and when he looks at me I can see it in his eyes as well, what looks like the after affect of smoking marijuana. I ask him he smoked and he said no that he had 1 beer. I reply that his eyes are telling a different story. I have been hearing that excuse from both him and his friend for well over a year now and since one of them usually, eventually, admits the truth I doubt that I'm wrong this time either. I have watched my son drink vodka and not look like that but I'm supposed to believe that 1 beer has that affect. That conversation didn't go well and I was called a douche-bag a couple of times and being told to kick him out. This time I grabbed my phone and let him know that I want this on video that I'm sick of his attitude and of him putting words in my mouth that I'm not saying. I got a lovely video of my son giving me the finger! I left to take out the garbage, knocked on his friend's door and let him know that if he wants to give my son drugs or alcohol then he can keep him there that I'm tired of it!

Since then my son has asked to talk about it... Honestly I'm not in the mood. A little while later I get asked if we can do 3 meals a day like in the hospital? Translation can you cook for me 3 times a day? No I cannot. He is quit capable of getting himself something to eat as is evidenced by the items currently left out on the counter. I reminded him that when he moves into the townhouse that he apparently wants to go to so bad that his roommates won't be making him even one meal a day.

I'm not having a good day... If I had somewhere to go, I would be there. On Christmas day my husband broke out in hives. It looks like he is having an allergic reaction to a new medication he is on for ADHD. Yes my hubby was recently diagnosed with ADHD. The first medication made him angrier so he started another one. Christmas day was two weeks on it. Hives in the appropriate places as well as trouble swallowing. We have also decreased his Ciprelax by 5 mg as the goal is to get him off that medication as we believe his anxiety symptoms is related to ADHD so not the right medication. It's a slow process of decreasing one medication while adding the ADHD medication. Obviously none of this is going according to plan either. He has been crankier because of the decrease in Ciprelax and now because of the hives, even though it was working, we have had to stop the new medication. Add hives and non-stop itchiness which he seemed to have very little self-control over not itching and I'm pretty fed up with him too. Do I know what it's like to itch like that? Hmm... I'm a female so certain types of itching are not new to me. I once had an allergic reaction to oxy's and itched head to toe for 8 hours. I've had 20-30 mosquito bites at one time. Yes it's hard but you are only making the hives worse! 

Last night out of the blue hubby's temper flares yet again. Pardon the swearing. Jesus Christ Barb, what the fuck am I supposed to do? It took me about 3 seconds to very sweetly reply with: Hmmm... Go fuck yourself? We haven't spoken to each other since. If it's not appropriate for my son to swear at me, when did it become appropriate for my hubby to swear at me? Simple. It's not. And as is normal this will continue until I fix it... I ended up having to take over doing the laundry that hubby was going to help me with because he didn't have the patience to do it. I don't think that I ask or expect much from anyone and I still get disappointed. Everyone else seems to have the freedom to be unhappy, cranky, moody, angry... and I'm supposed to what?

Now my son is at me to sell the Wii u since it's 'his' that replaced the PS4. Both purchased on my credit card and are here for his enjoyment while in the home but for legal purposes the Wii u is mine. He doesn't want his Lego's either. I would bet my left arm that this has more to do with the marijuana he didn't smoke next door today. We have an Xbox, he didn't want the PS4 and now doesn't want the Wii u. To my knowledge there is no other console gaming system so what is he going to exchange it for since that is what he said he wanted to do. He didn't have an answer for that.

I downloaded the Kindle app for reading eBooks on my cell phone and on my computer today to check out a book that was recommended. I actually downloaded a free romance novel! I haven't spent time reading romance in years and it is something that I miss and enjoy doing very much. So I'm going to go make a turkey sandwich, ignore the 2 males in my life and immerse myself into the wonderful world of romance!

Mom

BarbieBF

It's almost Christmas!

I was going to start this post with a rant about my hubby :) but I decided to shorten it to just the below conversation...

Hubby called to ask what kind of hash-browns, the kind for breakfast? Yes. Turkey sausages for breakfast? Yes. I'm thinking: No I didn't spell it out on the 4 item list I gave him because what else could I possibly want hash-browns and sausages for?

We have made it through the weekend and now it's almost Christmas!

I have been managing to get my son to take the Olanzapine at night instead of during the day so that he doesn't have to deal with how it makes him feel ill and depressed because he is sleeping through it. It does mean that he is getting more antipsychotics into his system so that is a good thing. The 5-HTP seems to be helping a lot with his mood and he hasn't complained about being depressed since Saturday. I have also started giving him Melatonin at night which he says is helping him to go to sleep.

My son's case worker is supposed to be dropping by today. Something about the paperwork he previously signed having to be typed out and signed again... As far as I know his treatment team was supposed to have met yesterday to discuss his case and medications. Hopefully she will have some good news or at least news that I can understand and go with regarding his medications.

My son is anxiously waiting until he can open his presents! He has talked us into opening them tonight Christmas Eve which is ok with me. I know that for a lot of places it is tradition to this. He is anxious... or excited because there is one gift that I got him that he really wants. A tobacco pipe. Since I'm not agreeing to his requests for marijuana than tobacco is one addiction that I see little harm in him indulging for now. I'm not sure what the lady's at the smoke shop thought of my reasoning that a 20 year old with a tobacco pipe is better then a 20 year old with marijuana. Haha! Really it's not something that could even be explained to someone who does not deal with mental illness and addiction on a daily basis. I know that it helps him and if it brings him enjoyment then I'm ok with it. I told her that he loves tobacco and he wanted a type of tobacco that was full of flavor. No not flavored, full of flavor! I purposely left him home and left while he was sleeping when I went to get these items. My son in a smoke shop! That would have been a lengthy visit. Plus I wanted it to be a surprise for what it looks like. We got home and right away he is asking if we got it. I said yes but teased him that I had expressed posted it to Santa so he could drop it off Christmas Eve. I would have to say the look on my son's face was pretty priceless. I'm not sure what he thinks of me talking about Santa as if he really exists! What can I say... I believe in Santa! :) Out of the blue though I did get a really big hug as he was so happy that I got it. A genuine hug that I felt with my heart! He has been not so patiently waiting to open it ever since. Is it wrapped? Is it under the tree? Can I look at it?

My son is experiencing voices or auditory hallucinations of some sort. They don't appear to be visual as he doesn't seem to be looking, just listening. Some days he agrees they are there and other days like today says they are not. I think denying them today may be because he knows his case worker is coming. I'm not saying much about them other then to point out that he needs to ignore them when he is walking around so that he can pay attention to what he is doing. They don't seem to be negative in nature right now so I'm going to try not to worry about them too much.

Overall my son seems to be doing pretty good. He is playing on his computer right now. It's a bit off and on as he doesn't seem to be able to stay on for long periods. Before June he could play for hours but now it's usually for 10-45 minutes at a time. He is sleeping at night and getting up on his own during the day. Some mornings not til 10:30 but this morning was up shortly after 6. He is eating good and some days will ask for what he would like for dinner. He is back to saying thanx for dinner. In fact the other day commented that he is going to start saying thank you instead of thanx. Hubby always tells me thank you for dinner. He is picking up after himself more with little prompting from me. One day we also went to the movies so I left him with a load of his laundry to do while we were gone out and to have a shower. He did both. This morning he offered and made my hubby a coffee! Hubby toke him with him to do some last minute shopping and some car stuff. I think it tired him out a bit as he decided to stay home and not go back out with hubby.

Randomly today my son walked up to me and gave me another heartfelt hug! I hugged him tight and then we went outside for a smoke. Had a short conversation about souls etc. He asked me if I was a real soul person? He also said my head was ticking and asked if I was a robot? I teased him that he might be hallucinating if he thinks my head is ticking. He agreed he might be :)

I know for some of my readers that Christmas day may already be here so I hope that you are having a wonderful day with your family and loved ones!

Mom
BarbieBF