Thursday, June 19, 2014

Hormones, cabin fever or just life?

It's 9:16 am and all my windows are open to maximize the amount of fresh air flowing through my apartment. I can hear the birds chirping and the sun is shining and it is quiet! Blissfully quiet, except for the birds of course. Both my hubby and I woke up in a good mood this morning. He made his bed this morning (air-mattress actually, that he has been sleeping on to help ease my insomnia since he has restless leg and sleep apnea), folded his PJ's and texted me a little while ago that his sandwich had turned into a ball of tune, bread and cheese but he was able to lol about it. I made the coffee and kissed him good-bye at the door. Much better then yesterday when he left for work already having a bad day that just continued. I have to admit that lately I have not been overly nice to my hubby. Everyday I give myself this little pep talk that I will not snap at him, that I will not react to some of things that he says that irks me and that I will be more tolerant and loving. Perhaps if I literally wrote it out like they used to make us do lines in school? Or wear an elastic band and snap myself when I do react negatively? I have seriously thought about doing both of these things since the daily pep talk doesn't seem to be working as well as I had hoped. My good intentions go out the window as soon as he makes a comment that irks me. I'm trying to figure out why they are irking me so easily. Personally I believe that my hubby does have some sort of thought disorder along with his GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). He himself acknowledges that he may have ADD. So I think to myself: Why can I not give him the same patience and tolerance I give my son? Maybe it's because I'm giving all my patience and tolerance to my son :)

Maybe I need to up the amount of tinctures and supplements that I am taking to help me with menopausal symptoms. I know that I have more patience than I have been displaying lately so perhaps it's my hormones? Although I'm pretty sure it's not that since I have not been experiencing hot flashes (I used to) and my cycles are awesomely easily now in comparison to what they used to be and certainly aren't happening every two weeks like they were. No other signs that it would be hormonal. Well that kind of sucks. If it was then I could up my doses of the tinctures and my ESTROSmart supplement and walah all fixed.

Cabin fever maybe? There are times when I have this overwhelming urge to get out and away from here. Of course at those times I usually want to scream with frustration as well. But then on days like today, I am so thankful that I am able to be a stay at home housewife/caregiver. I really do love it. I love taking my time doing what I am doing even if it's learning how to make homemade bread or posting on the forum or thinking about how I'm going to rearrange my bedroom. For most of my life I didn't have this. Tough childhood, college and job, parenthood, addiction, job... Never much time for just being me. So while I do miss the hubbub of working in an office and yes even the stress and responsibilities of someone always needing me for something, I can't bring myself to want to give up what I currently have to go back to that. I guess that rules out cabin fever.

I guess that leaves just life. I guess it doesn't help that I don't have many friends outside of my immediate family and the internet. Actually I only have one friend and she is my best friend. We haven't talked in a while but even if we do go 3+ months without talking we seem to pick up right were we left off. I haven't seen her in well over a year. How time flies. Honestly though this doesn't bring me down as I don't need more. I think life is sort of at a stand still for me. I'm not sure what I want to do in the future. As much as I am loving being at home I can't stay this way forever. Eventually I will have to rejoin the workforce and the longer I'm out of it the harder it will be. I think that plays on my mind much more then I realize. Part of me feels bad that I am not doing something more productive with my life. Problem is though that I don't know what I want to do. This is a new experience where I actually have the option to make choices, not just go with the flow and do. I picked my college program based on my older sisters choice since I had no idea what I wanted to be. Office Administration (Legal). Granted it gave me a good understanding of office procedures and legal terminology which has served me well both professionally and privately however I have not pursued a career as a legal secretary. Mind you I did get pregnant before graduation ;) Instead I ended up working my way into a Manager of Finance position. Not where I want to be either.

So I am here. Sure of my past but not to sure of my future. The support to do what I want if I can just nail that down. Social worker is certainly an option. More schooling. Then there is my son. I just don't feel comfortable moving forward with that part of my life until I feel that he is more settled on his path. I sometimes wonder if I'm making excuses to not move forward as how can I ever be sure of his path when dealing with addiction and psychosis. Day to day is a grab bag of... who knows?

I do have this nagging dream of being a writer. That seems to be all I have to say about that. I really need to figure out what is holding me back from giving it that old college try... Fear of failing...

Aside from the laughter and the sunglasses yesterday my son seems to be improving. He ate a good dinner which is always good to see. After dinner we all went for a drive to get my son his cigarettes. 5 more cartons so 1000 cigarettes. We last got him 5 cartons on May 25 so 3.5 weeks ago. So averaging a 2 pack or 40 cigarettes a day habit. He was actually coming down from that and was probably worse then that a year ago. However this latest journey into psychosis land means an increase in smoking. Hopefully it was start to slow down some as he regains himself. Hubby and I quit smoking over a month ago so sometimes it's a little hard to take. After the drive for smokes we dropped him off at his friend's place for the night...

One of those rare occasions where hubby and I find ourselves alone for the night and I wasn't being cranky. I even managed without the aid of an elastic band to not got irked so that I would not get cranky and ruin our chances of a 'good' evening together. It worked! Hubby and I had a 'good' evening ;). As a couple we needed this. He is my main support in pretty much every way and our relationship needs the attention. I was a little bemused this morning when I saw my hubby's PJ's folded and not on the floor as usual. A little attention can go a long ways. We both woke up happy and in love. Not that we aren't in love all of the time but life's responsibilities can sometimes get in the way of acting out that love.

I have the whole day and the apartment to myself for the day! Perhaps I will finally get my packing done and play Barbie dress up. I have no idea what I'm going to wear for my daughter's graduation. Other then that I think everything is almost in order for us to leave tomorrow. Hubby will pick my son up on his way home from work today. In keeping with these loving feelings I will do my best to great my hubby at the door with a big hug and kiss. I used to all the time. Somehow life just got in the way.


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