Spring, Gucci & A Little Progress.

Today is the first day of spring! Yah! hmmm... Can't say it feels like it. It's currently 31 F or -1 C. Real feel 5 C. I wonder if other countries do this? I always look at the real feel because it rarely feels like the actual temperature.

Today is also International Day of Happiness!

On Tuesday we went to the local human society and adopted Gucci. She will be 2 on June 1st and is tiny and cute. She seems to be settling in and my son likes her too. He wasn't that interested on the day that we got her. He had gone out and bought 2 small bottles of alcohol the night before and drank them so he wasn't in touch with his emotions that day. He has warmed up to her though and spends some time in the morning cuddling with her. Here she is in her normal daytime napping spot.

On Tuesday we also stopped into ADAPT since hubby was home. I asked about the fact that I was told that the lady from Ready4Life was supposed to be engaging their services on behalf of my son. Apparently she can't do that. I have tried to put aside my feelings of not liking this lady however it's hard when time and time again she proves that her word can't be trusted. If she works with ADAPT as she claimed, she should have been aware that she was unable to do this that it has to be my son contacting them. At the very least she should have stated she would look into it, not declare that she was going to do it. For weeks his case worker from PACT has been trying to reach ADAPT to follow up on this as she too believed the lady from Ready4Life. Even with my tolerance of people that I usually have, this lady still manages to astound me with her incompetence. Even with my son there I could not make an appointment for him. He had to come to the window and book the appointment himself. He has an appointment set for April 14. I also got some literature on family help and hopefully he will get referred to some services that deal with concurrent disorders of addiction and mental illness after he has his interview. Forewarned they have a waiting list...

Hubby has upped his Cipralex again. He did this on his own since he was having trouble coping with where my son is at. I get it. It's not easy watching my son making choices that are hindering his recovery. And I'm sure it's not easy watching me not put my foot down more often. He has been coping much better with the upped dosage and is back to reading his book on mindfulness :)

Yesterday we had an appointment with disability. I finally got through to his worker last week after calling the supervisor, again. Apparently she didn't receive any phone calls from us... Anyways... I wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen however I was hoping for some things to finally happen. I didn't say much during the appointment and let his worker do most of the talking. Starting with I do believe this upcoming payment, the room and board portion will be coming directly to me. From now on there will be a pay direct on his file for room and board or rent since there is concerns over him becoming homeless due to his resistance in paying these necessities on his own. She explained that the office has a responsibility and directive to ensure their clients are not homeless.

She also gave him (me) some information on a trustee through some other agencies. That if he is unable to budget his portion of his payments than that may have to be looked into. I can't say that my son was overly impressed. Sadly though it's his choices that have brought us to this and little that I am willing to do to correct it. Nothing actually. Knowing that my son can't randomly decide to put himself into the shelter system in order to fund his addictions is a relief.

Before we went into the appointment he was talking about asking them to raise his payments as he would like at least $400 a month spending/entertainment money. Wouldn't we all! He didn't ask. After the appointment he started complaining about how unfair it was. That he deserves to be happy. Yes we all deserve to be happy however we all have to work at getting that. Once he commented that death seemed to be the happiest option. I didn't respond.

Later he talked about moving... No surprise there. He stated that the only way he was going to learn how to take care of himself was to be unhappy so that he is forced to learn. Something like that. I ended up questioning him on this line of thinking since he is always saying how I need to be more lenient so that he can be happy. So how he is supposed to learn how to take care of himself if that means being unhappy and he doesn't think he should be? So others are supposed to not be happy so that they can cater to him? He is special however he isn't more special then anyone else. If I could change how he was taught that everyone is secondary to him... You get out of this life what you put into it and the world doesn't owe him anything.

I got our taxes done on Wednesday. Hopefully that gets processed fairly quickly as some bills could really use it ;).

So my son has been 4 days? without alcohol that I know of. He has missed a dose of medications here and there due to forgetting to take at night or sleeping in to long. No overt signs of voices. I guess we have about a week or so before he gets money... Honestly whether I wanted to or not, I wish disability had made me trustee so that we don't have to go through this every month. Just start to get him stable and recovering and repeat.

Going to go make a decaf coffee and see what it's like out. Supposed to go up to 8 C. Also have to look up recipes on making ribs as I can't seem to find the one that I can make work. Hoping to make a good dinner. Ribs, corn on the cob, salad and homemade bread. Lately my son and hubby seem to be really enjoying my cooking! Been trying some new salad recipes.

Check out: Walmart Live Better

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

My Mom's Boyfriend

I have been thinking on this since last night. My son refers to my hubby as "My mom's boyfriend". He is my son's step-dad since hubby and I are common-law. The thing is... He is not just my boyfriend. He is not just my son's step-dad. No disrespect to anyone however my hubby as been there for me, my son and my daughter since he came into our lives, to the best of his ability.

So today I wanted to take the time to acknowledge my husband and all that he is, has been and continues to be for me and my family. He may not always have the patience or understanding that I sometimes expect from him. Really who does?

In September 2012 I decided to leave my job with my hubby's support. In April 2013 I brought my son home with my hubby's support. In July 2014 we drove across Canada for my daughter's grade 12 graduation. Three months ago we decided it was time to move to a bigger place as it looked like my daughter was going to be moving back with me. Of course my daughter has decided not to move and my son is currently in a shelter... So now we are moving into a 3 bedroom town-home and it's just the 2 of us :)

Yesterday evening my son called: Are you bringing me smokes? Without even hesitating my hubby was there to drive me to my son even though he had worked all day. Today he was there to drive me to the shelter for a scheduled meeting. Just like always he is there. He may not have a very good understanding of mental illness but he is trying and he is trying very hard. No matter what it is he says to me: Barb whatever it is you know that I'm behind you 100%. Do what you gotta do... The best part of that is that I know that I can count on him to be true to that.

He may not be my son's biological father however he has been there for over two years now for my son. Yes he finds it hard. We all find it hard. BUT he is willing to try. He is willing to put himself out there emotionally and financially for me, my children and by extension my children's family. It's my husband that is there trying to understand. So much to say however I will leave it at that and just say that he is the one making it all possible.

So thank you to my hubby for being a better husband and step-dad then I could have hoped for! To quote the movie Avatar: "I see you" and I love you for all that you are willing to put up with from me and my children.

Back to my son... I had a fairly nice conversation with a taxi driver today as hubby couldn't come back to get me after the meeting which I will discuss shortly, so I took a cab home. He asked me if I was working in the town he picked me up in? I said no that I didn't work and that I was visiting my son at the shelter because he is there due to mental illness. He asked me what mental illness? I told him schizophrenia and addiction. We actually had a nice conversation about it as he himself used to work in a facility that dealt with mental illness. A very nice man and he wished me good luck when he dropped me off. I thanked him stating I could use some ;)

I did go see my son at the shelter last Saturday and meet with the lady that I had spoken to on the phone. We went over my son's medications a little bit. They don't oversee medication compliancy so my son has been missing some doses here and there. Discussed my son's level of self-care which is pretty non-existent. They may not equipped to handle the support my son seems to need. I didn't put him there... Discussed his need for drug treatment which my son still doesn't want to acknowledge. I had taken him his winter jacket and brought back his other one. He called me later that night. I'm not sure what happened but his roommate accused him of touching his stuff and threatened him. I talked to the shelter the next morning and that guy was no longer there. The person I spoke to was working when my son arrived there so he was aware of my son's case and we talked for a minute about what was going on.

I went to see my son last night and bring him some smokes. Not sure what my son is saying however they were under the impression that my son was without the proper clothing and needed assistance with that. He has winter boots and a dresser full of cloths. He only has... Yes that's because he packed himself and his goal at the time had nothing to do with what he was going to wear but with the opportunity to get high. So I packed a small suitcase this morning with his boots, another pair of jeans, long sleeved shirts and more socks and underwear. Last night he was supposed to have a shower. That didn't happen. It probably won't unless someone 'guides' him into having one.

Today I went to the shelter and meet with my son's case worker from PACT, the lady from Ready4Life and one of the shelter staff. Actually the guy I just spoke about. I wasn't sure how it was going to go with the lady from Ready4Life or how I was going to react to her... but it was fine. We discussed my son's possible housing options. We are all in agreement that he isn't capable of living on his own. He can't see that which makes it harder because they can only do what he will agree to. As far as I can tell the goal is to get him into the group home that better fits him because he can't be in the one that expects him to be out during the day.

I guess the shelter had tried to have my son agree to go to Safe Beds as they can offer more support and oversee medications however as usual for my son he declined. I explained that because my son is not stable that I think he confuses this time in the shelter with September 2014. He put up resistant to getting the right kind of help then too. He turns his back on and puts up road blocks to those trying to help him because right now his addiction is controlling him. He doesn't want support... He wants freedom. One comment he made was the he wants to snort percocets for the rest of his life. Not hard to tell where his thinking is at since he used to snort his Nana's perks.

At least this time we all seem to be on the same page and because we were all together my son didn't put up much resistance to all of us working together to help him achieve his long-term goal of having his own place. It came up about him coming home... That's not an easy question to answer. I would love to have my son come home however the reality is that once he gets it into his head that he wants to use then all of his promises of not being disrespectful or violent and doing chores etc, all go out the window.

We all tried to impress on him that this is the time that he needs to start making the right decisions. He can only stay at this shelter for 30 days. I'm ok with him coming home in between if it's needed however he still needs to participate in making choices that are going to keep him stable. He has it in his head that he doesn't have to worry about it because he will have his own place by then. Or he thinks he will be in British Columbia? Not if I have my say. I can't see him getting the same assistance as last time from the case workers here as they seem to already have a much clearer picture of how my son is acting. It wasn't even me this time that first commented that certain behaviors could be considered manipulative. Yes A++ in that skill ;).

I think the short-term goal is to get him into Safe Beds as they are much better equipped to deal with my son's issues. He did agree to have Safe Beds oversee his medications as I guess they are in the same building. It's a start. I did on several occasions speak to my son and try to get him to pay attention. I can't say I like it when people talk to him and he is obviously not paying attention to them and they keep talking... So I step in and get his attention and repeat what they had to say in words then I think will make sense to him. I asked him what he plans on doing if it comes to the point of his 30 days being up there and he doesn't have housing in place because he is not going back to BC. I had to repeat that scenario twice which is fine because that means he was listening. He seemed less resistant to Safe Beds after that and agreed to them overseeing his medications.

Whether we can get him into some sort of drug treatment is still up in the air. The lady from Ready4Life will be contacting ADAPT which is for addiction services. Maybe they can help to teach him how addiction is controlling his live. He doesn't see it as a problem. I explained to him that if his need to use is affecting his life and choices then it is a problem. Someone doesn't have to be drunk all the time or high all the time to have an addiction problem. If it changes who they are then it's a problem and my son's need/want to use changes who he is and how he acts. Also it furthers his schizophrenia which keeps him unstable.

Not sure exactly what is happening with disability. They still haven't called me back however my son says he is getting a check direct deposited next week. They did process him a drug benefits card which PACT has so they are now taking care of ordering and getting his medications.

Poor hubby... He is getting off of work, taking me to get my son smokes which is a 20 minute drive each way and then he may have to go work his second job of snow plowing.

Oh... Did you see that my blog got accepted here: Mental Health Writer's Guild. My Facebook page reached 500 likes yesterday. Ya me!

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Brick by Brick

My new Facebook page has been growing. I feel privileged for the opportunity to share my story with others. A picture/quote that came across my news-feed yesterday:



I'm not saying that anyone is throwing bricks at me however sometimes it feels that way. Yesterday was an emotional day for me. Regrettably I lost it a little bit on several people. I don't regret my feelings, not at all. I do regret acting on them. Having vented some of my frustration, I think today I am in better control and able to blog about it without being to negative... At least I hope so :).

Thursday evening my son called, stoned, stating that he was being getting kicked out of the shelter due to marijuana use. I could hear someone in the back ground talking to my son about him going to another shelter. At this point I wasn't worried about my son having a place to go as it sounded like it was being taken care of. I did call the shelter shortly after and got privacy laws quoted to me. They passed on the message to my son that I had called and he called me back. He let me know that they had agreed to let him stay. I asked him to sign a release so that I could talk to the shelter and he refused.

From my point of view based on limited information, my son was safe and it appeared he was playing at the same game as September 2014. Honestly I still think he is to a certain degree however hopefully it all won't play out the same way.

Please note: Below is a reflection of my thoughts and feelings. It is my blog after all :)

The last time that I had spoken to my son's Nana was on Tuesday and she said she would probably call me back later that day. I had asked her to not agree to my son having the option of going back to British Columbia because when this happens it gives my son the freedom to turn his back on me and the services available to him here. My son isn't looking at long-term anything. He only sees if he is getting what he wants which for him right now is the opportunity and freedom to use marijuana. Whether it's today, tomorrow or 6 months down the road. I know the mindset of an addict and suffering through anything is worth it if you know the opportunity to use again is waiting.

Wednesday night I commented to my hubby that she hadn't called... My hubby told me to call her because he felt that there was something going on behind my back again. I got mad at hubby, telling him to revisit his CBT thinking and that I believed we weren't going to go down that path again. That we were talking this time and that she had given me her word. Sometimes I should listen to my hubby ;).

In between all this I'm trying to get a hold of disability and limit the damage that I am afraid my son will do to himself if he gets what he wants. Since my son wouldn't sign a release and no one at the shelter would call me back I was under the impression that my son was being taken care of and that everything was ok. Well aside from the fact that he was in a shelter...

Yesterday I started to get an uneasy feeling since I had still not received a phone call which at this point I found really odd. I decided to call Nana myself. I can't say that the conversation went very well. Eventually I had to hang up before I completely lost it. This is when I find out that obviously my son had signed a release for the shelter to talk to his Nana. This is when I find out that she had called the shelter about them not kicking him out. Yes I am grateful for that.

Honestly I don't remember all of the conversation as some key phrases caught my attention. As I stood outside smoking, trying to keep my cool and listen... I didn't keep my cool. 'I don't want him out in the snow.' I have heard this before and the result of this thinking got my son the worst break he has ever had. I don't think I can describe the fear for my son's future that overwhelmed me. 'He can't come here now but after he....' Like I said before in my son's way of thinking he has already won the opportunity to get what he wants which is the freedom to use marijuana. A little FYI. My daughter currently lives with Nana. The thought of her being physically put in harms way makes me feel sick to my stomach. 'She won't be living here then...' For me these few words told me all that I needed to know OR was able to retain at the time.

I think what totally pushed me over the edge was being told that I was wrong in believing in 'tough love' and that everyone else was telling her that I was wrong. I couldn't get my mind around it. Who was everyone else? At this point no one knew my side of what had happened. What professionals had been consulted? I find out that the same women from Ready4Life that had previously been involved, is involved again and as far as I can tell played a very incompetent game of telling both Nana and myself that we were doing the right thing and after assuring me that she would not drop the ball... Dropped the ball.

I'm not proud of some of the things that I said. I do regret letting my feelings of hurt, fear and betrayal govern my words. I don't regret my feelings. In my eyes what happened is that my son was once again give the opportunity to turn his back on me and the kind of support that I want to provide because I believe he can be and do better. All I could see was my son being in the same situation in British Columbia that he has been in time and time again. Things may not always be smooth sailing here in Ontario however his schizophrenia and more importantly his addiction has not been given free reign to wreck havoc on his brain.

I'm still having a hard time getting my mind around this. Just like the last time I am but a phone call away. Physically I am 20 minutes away from my son. If anything about my actions are in question. Pick up the phone and call me! If my son is literally at risk of being out on the streets. Pick up the phone and call me! I thought that there had been an agreement after the last fiasco that we would pick up the phone... "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."

I was so pissed off by the time I got of the phone. I was shaking and struggled to not cry. I came inside and I thought this is enough. The shelter needed to be set straight and any misconceptions that I was feeling they may have needed to be addressed. I called them and said: This is 'blank's' mom and I know that you can't talk to me but I KNOW that you can listen and I need to talk to someone about my son. I was put through to someone.

I am so thankful that I had enough sense to not let this go and to in a sense push myself onto the shelter. I am also thankful that the lady I spoke to was understanding of my yelling at her. Yes I yelled at her a lot. I couldn't understand how it was that I had called and left a message on Tuesday stating my son's diagnoses and for them to call me with no return phone call. Or that his Nana was able to be involved from another province yet I was being excluded. Granted it is partly due to my son's wonderful resistance to signing a release giving me access.

One of the first things I was told was that the police dropped of my son stating that I had kicked him out. I was again shocked. Yes I yelled at her: I did not kick out my son. He did this all on his own because he doesn't want to pay me room and board and wants to get high. And he got what he wanted as he did get high. Through a fair amount of yelling and even some tears I managed to, I hope, give them a bigger picture of what is going on. I think a apologized several times for yelling. She was very nice about it saying she could hear me crying...

I guess the reason they had not called me is because they had been told that I had kicked out my son. I guess it looked like I was turning my back on my son and not being supportive. I made it very clear that I have been here and that every decision that I have made has been based on the advise of professionals. Yes my son's grandmother loves my son. I have never denied that however when that love keeps my from learning to manage his own illness and addiction or accept responsibility for his actions then yes I have an issue.

My son needs support. I am in complete agreement. They were not aware that my son was a part of The PACT Team and that through this team he has access to a psychiatrist, nurse, case worker and peer support. Yes they are understaffed at the moment which complicates things however my son has refused to participate actively in his own treatment. Why should he? Every time things get tough he gets to run away instead of learning to help himself.

My son needs anger management and treatment. Again I'm in complete agreement. I have known for 2 years now that my son needs anger management. I can only work with the services that I am aware of and PACT does not offer anger management. He needs drug rehab and treatment. I have looked into those too. My son refuses. So unless he is in a situation like he is currently in, my hands get tied as to what I can do. Unless I get power of attorney I can't force my son to take these steps. Instead I get to try my best to but things back to together, to have them torn apart again and again.

Because of my phone call and resulting 'temper tantrum' the lady had my son sign releases for me and the PACT team! *big sigh of relief* I am no longer on the outside of this situation. *fingers crossed* he may even get transferred into a treatment facility where he should have gone years ago. There was also talk of other services that I was unaware of. Like I said I'm so glad I made that call. In the beginning I could hear/feel the walls that were up regarding me. I do believe I tore them down. At least I really hope so because my goal here is NOT to increase my son's suffering but to increase his chances of having a future.

I texted him last night letting him know that I love him. He replied that he loved me to. Brick by brick I will rebuild...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Not adding up...

I did see my son on Tuesday. I arrived while he was on the phone, I was told that he was talking to his Grandmother. I'm not sure what I was expecting to find but physically he actually looked like he is doing okay. He has showered and he has been sleeping and eating as the shelter does provide meals. He has been taking his Clozapine and Lithium. My son's eyes seem to tell his story better then anything else and he looked more stable then the last time I saw him.

I have tried to piece together what happened on Monday however very little of it is making any sense to anyone. Before my son called me to tell me that he had been mugged, I was unaware that this happened. To my knowledge he had tried to buy $500 worth of drugs and they didn't return with the drugs so he went to the police. Somewhere in there he took them for Chinese food... I really don't know how that detail fits in. My son called me after I blogged on Tuesday to tell me that he had been mugged and only had $11 left in his bank account. I tried to ask him what happened. He said that he 'got lured in' yet when I asked him how they lured him in he couldn't tell me just that they did. I'm guessing that he willingly went with them as he was trying to purchase marijuana and cocaine. The cocaine according to him is because he wanted to try it. I guess I wasn't sympathetic enough as I told him I wouldn't be giving him any money so he got mad and hung up on me.

My husband came home early due to rain so we had an early dinner then headed to the shelter. I thought my son would like to have his search-a-word book and a notebook and some pens as well as some cigarettes. He didn't want the books. I gave him one pack of cigarettes and gave the shelter another 3 packs and asked them to only give him one pack a day. Since he was able to go to the bank, get a new bank card and find out how much money he had that meant that he had his ID still which I know that he kept in his fanny pack that got stolen. He says that he asked for his ID back and one of the muggers was nice enough to give it back. I don't disbelieve this however it's hard to imagine. The staff have been having problems communicating with my son as it takes him awhile to understand and respond so it's hard to believe that he was thinking clearly enough during a mugging to ask for his ID but it is possible. He also apparently voluntarily (without them asking for it) gave them his pin number for his bank card. He says that he got hit in the neck. There are no bruises, red marks, nothing to indicate that he had been hit. I did look. He got away and ran to a pay phone and called the police. I'm not sure how no one knew to tell me that it was a mugging when I first found out about it.

My son told me he got robbed of $700. That he was trying to buy marijuana and cocaine although he hadn't planned on spending all of his money on drugs since he wanted to purchase some luxury items. I quietly stated: I barely had money for rent yet you want to buy luxury items? He laughed it off. He thinks that disability is going to reimburse him and he seems to also think that they are going to continue to hand him money for board and lodgings when he isn't paying for it. I didn't bother going any further into that conversation. We did ask him what he planned on doing with that much drugs since he can't take it into the shelter, they do searches. He had a spot picked out, outside, to hide it. Nice to know he is planning ahead for something :)

The shelter asked if I could help with getting his cell phone disconnected since it was taken too and we don't need whoever has it running up a bill in his name. We took him to the mall where he got it. He said that he got it through Rogers but he actually got it through Koodo. The couldn't help him at the mall stating that he needed to call them. So we went back to the shelter to get his paperwork for the phone. He had thrown it out so at this point he didn't know who the provider was, the account number and probably doesn't even know the number. The following morning I called Koodo and was able to confirm the account but couldn't do anything since I'm not on the account and didn't have the pin that he would have created when setting up the account. I called the shelter with the number for Koodo customer support, his cell phone number and explained that he could suspend the service, no charge, with the information from his ID if they could help him do this. I just tried calling the number and got a message that this number is not equipped to receive incoming calls so hopefully they got him to suspend the account. Considering the fact that my hubby and I are currently stuck not being able to move due to his bad credit report. One of them being an unpaid cell phone with the same service provider... I do know that it can have an impact on my son's future if it's not taken care of.

I haven't heard from his case worker from PACT since Tuesday although at this point I don't know how much help she can be as my son is refusing to sign a release for the shelter to talk to her. He doesn't want anything to do with PACT even though it's their psychiatrist that is prescribing him his medications and it's PACT that has arranged for his Clozapine to be paid for by the manufacturer because disability still hasn't agreed to cover it. It's also PACT that picks it up for him and delivers it to him now. I will have to confirm with the shelter but he should have enough for another couple of weeks and he should be ok with his Lithium as well. My hands are somewhat tied with Ready4Life as he refused to sign a release giving them permission to talk to me. So I don't know what is happening with his applications for the two group homes. When his case worker calls me I'm going to try to find out if we can get him moved from that shelter into one in a better neighborhood. The one we wanted didn't have a bed last week but maybe that has changed. Depending on how defiant he wants to be he is making it hard for anyone to assist him.

He seemed ok when we left him on Tuesday. Didn't seem concerned about anything. I hugged him good-bye. I might as well have been hugging a board. No emotion what so ever...

Mom
BarbieBF

Feels like A Hollow Victory

September 1, 2013 was the last time my son was involuntarily admitted to hospital for three weeks for psychosis. One year! That's the longest he has gone since diagnoses in 2011. The significance of this is... Hollow. Do I smile or do I cry? Perhaps a little of both since I'm probably the only one aware of him even reaching this milestone. I told his nurse the other day that this was approaching and her response was less then enthusiastic. So as I smile through my tears I wanted to share this with you... As hollow as it... September 1st did not pass unnoticed, at least not for me.

I don't have to much to report on my son. I haven't talked to him since Saturday. I have tried to call his cell phone several times but it is turned off. I have been in contact with the shelter and am extremely thankful that he did sign the release letting them talk to me or I would be in the dark right now. At this point there has been no communication between PACT and the shelter but I'm hoping this will change over the next couple of days. I did talk to his case worker today and filled her in on what has been happening and where he is. I have talked to the shelter today. I guess there is a lot of connecting that needs to happen between PACT, Ready4Life and the shelter and the services that they have available for my son, IF he wants to take advantage of them. That is the big question at this point. How far is my son willing to go before he is willing to see that there is a problem and that he needs help.

I was asked if I was willing to be involved in family mediation. Yes I am however not under the current circumstances. Until my son is stable and able to see past his own defiance and delusional thinking where I'm concerned I don't see it doing much good but I am available if he wants it. He doesn't want my help, he wants me to let him act like a 10 year old (if that) while treating him like an adult which for him means letting him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants with no consequences to turning my home into a flop house.

There is also some concern about his exposure to drugs. Considering the 2 grams of marijuana I recently got rid of, my son will seek drugs no matter where he is if he wants it and if he has the money to do so. I received a phone call from the police in the area that he is in yesterday. He didn't know the name of the shelter he was staying at so that is why they called me. It appears he tried to buy drugs and the person he gave the money too didn't come back with the drugs so he went to the police. Somewhat amusing if it wasn't so sad. Really, who goes to the police with that? My son apparently. There is also the risk of exposure to other drugs. I cannot be responsible for these choices.

It doesn't appear that there is to much that I can do about the disability money. I think most of it went to this drug dealer so it's kind of a mood point right now. We may have to look into a trustee being appointed as he obviously can't manage his own finances.

Hubby just got home from work as they got rained out so I'm off...

Mom
BarbieBF

Hurry up and wait game

I know someone who uses this phrase a lot and in this case it certainly fits. I feel like I'm playing a game of hurry up and wait. Wait to see if he is going to pull himself out of it or wait for the break. Either way I wish that it would hurry up and happen one way or the other. I think I have said this before! Deja vu!

This morning was another morning of him stating that he must have insomnia because he took his pills but couldn't sleep. He hadn't taken his pills. His confusion on this is not getting any better as I believe that he really did think that he had taken them. He did take them, his Clozapine and Lithium, and within 45 minutes went to bed after being up again for 19 hours. In the meantime I was listening to more laughing for no apparent reason. The laughing has been back since the 19th. He is explaining it away as a stress reliever and that he is laughing at stupid mental pictures. More animals although this time no mention of cow udders (it's ok I smiled too!) which is what he found so amusing the last time this happened. I think it's sheep this time. At this point I'm unsure if he is experiencing voices or not, although he says that he isn't. Of course I believe him... not. Voices are part of what got him admitted last time.

Turns out it was the Seroquel that made him feel like crying. Not the Trazodone. Something else he was confused about which is not like him. He is usually pretty on top of the names of his medications. I woke up one morning to my knife sharpener missing. I know he has a fascination with his switch blade and pocket knives but I put them all away. He asked me about them yesterday and I told him that I put them away. I haven't thrown them out and he can have them back but with him feeling suicidal I didn't feel comfortable with him having them in his room. The morning we took him to the hospital he had stated that he might as well slit his wrists if he has to be on pills for the rest of his life. He didn't deny feeling suicidal...

His case worker was here yesterday. He didn't remember meeting her on the 18th. His psychiatrist decided not to come see him because if the hospital would not admit him then there probably isn't too much that he can do except to have his case worker try to talk him into going back on the Invega. He is still refusing even though she tried to explain to him that if he wants to obtain his goals of moving out and being on his own than he needs to be more alert and functioning. She did comment that he seemed more alert. I don't think it's a good alert, I think it's more along the lines of his mind raising. She had to repeat a lot of what she was saying because he would stop focusing on her. Then it was like he would come back to seeing or focusing on her. While he may not have any overt signs of voices I do believe that they are there.

The lady from Ready4Life dropped off two applications today for group homes. One of them may have an opening coming up around September. So far we are all in agreement that this is probably the best choice for him. He wants his own place but he can't take care of himself and is unable to see that. He will have his own room and be expected to help and participate with chores and participate in daily activities. It has 24/7 onsite support staff and the majority of their clients are between the ages of 20-30 and 60% male. They also charge on a sliding scale so he can afford it. They will help teach him life skills. He didn't seem to impressed when I told him about the chores. I reminded him that he says that he is capable of doing them so it shouldn't be a problem. He also showed some resistance to the idea that they may oversee his medications. His case worker explained that it is nothing personal, they are just doing their jobs, which seemed to ease his defiance a little bit. Or he lost his focus again.

Overall he is barely maintaining be 'stable'. He is eating some. Sometimes he will have some supper but he is not eating like he normally does. Not drinking as much as he normally does. He hasn't been on his computer in days. I'm guessing he can't think or concentrate to be on it. He's been watching TV all night although I don't think he is watching it. He doesn't appear to be changing channels or turning it up to the volume that he usually watches TV at. I know because I'm usually asking him to turn it down in the middle of the night. So basically he is sitting or lying on the sofa with the TV on. I noticed this morning as well that he wasn't smoking cigarettes. When stressed he can smoke one every 15 minutes so if it has progressed to the point that he isn't smoking for extending periods then he is much to far into his own head space. I asked him last night why hasn't called his Nana yet and he said that he didn't know. Again I'm guessing that he just can't think to do it. He hasn't showered since the 12th and I don't think he has brushed his teeth since then either. He is sometimes changing his shirt. One day he did manage to groom his facial hair. I have no idea what prompted that. Ego? :) I have been reminding him to wash his bedding as it needs it. He acknowledges that it needs to be done and that it is a good idea but doesn't do it. The mom in me is having a tough time not pushing him to do these things or do it for him however doing it for him won't change the fact that this is currently where he is at. It would be like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. The band-aid won't fix it or cover it up.

His caseworker did take him to get his monthly blood work done and he did call in and refill his Lithium. She will probably take him to pick it up tomorrow although that means he only has 300 mg for tonight/tomorrow morning instead of 600 mg. I'm obviously not going to send him to a shelter like this, so that is off the table for now. For now it's just waiting... Hope that he pulls it together or has a break so that the damage being done to his brain is minimal.

Mom
BarbieBF

Knife Sharpener Guy

Tough Love and Boundaries

My son has been off his Invega for a week now and has had about 15 hours of sleep in the past 50 hours. Hasn't eaten a proper meal since probably Wednesday or Thursday of last week. Saturday we spent 6 hours in emergency. He was sent home with a prescription for Seroquel/Quetiapine. After waiting the 6 hours in emergency for my son I got informed by the treating psychiatrist that my son didn't want them talking to me. I said that is fine but I know you can listen. Filled in some details and stated he is looking for benzos. I belief he was trying to get Ativan/Lorazepam. His reason for coming off the Invega. It makes him too alert during the day, like he needs to get up and do something like go to the gym and he doesn't want to feel like that while he is living here. So the Invega was working and doing what it is supposed to do, in my opinion. He took the Seroquel twice, got some much needed sleep, and is now saying he doesn't need it that it is a PRN. He even refuses to acknowledge that it is an anti-psychotic. Or me telling him that it is, is what is making him not take it as on Saturday he stated that he really liked how it was making him feel.

I love my son but I think I need to get out of the picture a little bit, or a lot. As long as he can continue to blame me for everything then he will never be able to see that it's schizophrenia that is causing him to feel and act like this. I did tell the nurse at the hospital that if things got any easier for him at home that I would be wiping his butt for him. And it's still not good enough for him. He wants me to be nicer. I don't even know what that means anymore. Not tell him that he needs anti-psychotics? Not expect him to clean up after himself? Not point out that things that he is saying just don't make sense? I can't see him not having another break if things keep going the way that they are. He does need his anti-psychotics and he does need more structure. Structure that I obviously can't provide as he won't accept it coming from me. His ODD is in full gear. According to him he is an adult and his treatment is none of my business.

He was up all night again last night. When I got up at 4 he stated that he had insomnia and couldn't sleep even though he had taken his pills. I checked and he hadn't taken them, they were still in his dish. All that was in there was his Lithium and Clozapine. No Invega or Seroquel. He took them but then I heard him in the bathroom coughing/gagging so I'm hoping he didn't spit them back up. I insisted that he go to his room even if he wasn't going to go to sleep. He had the living room to himself from 9 last night to 4 this morning. Now it was my turn. When I suggested he take a Trazodone for sleep he stated that that medication makes him want to cry. This is the first that I have heard this and to my knowledge it never did this. I think he is very confused.

I called his case worker this morning and she came by around 10 PM. She had some information on the shelters in the area as when I called her I told her that he needs to go. I had told him on Saturday that he can't stay here if he is not going to take his medications as prescribed or with the attitude that I not be a part of his treatment. The meeting didn't go to good. He was having a lot of trouble following what she was saying. He basically asked her to leave stating the he was too tired to talk to anyone.

So here I am at 12:44 PM and I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to help him accept what he needs to accept. Me being his mother is getting in the way of him accepting responsibility for his own life and choices. He is relying on me as mom in every way that a child would yet insisting that he's an adult. I know that it is his schizophrenia and ODD that is causing this however I can't see this changing unless his current circumstances change. Without me as a scapegoat perhaps he will be able to look at things differently. Or not. However I think it's time to find out just how sick or capable he really is. More importantly he needs to find this out for himself. Between PACT and Ready4Life he has so much support available to him.

Hopefully I will hear back from his case worker today. I know that the two shelters she called were full this morning. The shelters are not like drop in community centers or soup kitchens. They are staffed with onsite personnel that oversee his medications, have structured meal times and people available to him for support including mental health.

Mom
BarbieBF

5 nights and counting

My son has not slept on the sofa for 5 nights!

His nurse was here yesterday morning. Of course my son slept through that appointment as he hasn't been going to bed until late and sleeping late. I talked to her about some steps I want to start taking in letting my son be more responsible for his own medications and treatment. I have been going to the hospital to pick up his Clozapine for him. From now on PACT will pick it up for him. He needs to start relying on them more and me less. I wrote in his day planner when he needs to call and refill his Lithium and Invega with the telephone number of the pharmacy. Just in case he is unable to follow through on this then PACT can have his prescriptions moved to another pharmacy and they can pick them up for him every month. I also talked to his nurse about helping him to stay on top of his monthly blood-work. This is also written in his day planner however he is not looking at it. I talked to my son about this yesterday letting him know what his nurse and I discussed and that the day planner isn't going to do any good if he doesn't actually use or look at it.

I have also decided to stop giving him his pills every night. I need to know if he is going to follow through and do this on his own. Being med-compliant is a lot easier when someone else is preparing them for you. I cleared off some room on his dresser and put his pills there along with his day planner. 3:30 or 4 this morning I was reminding him to take them as I guess he forgot to. I had woken up and seen him in bed so left my own bedroom door open so that I could hear if he was up and down. A sure sign that he hasn't taken his pills. I heard him get up and reminded him. He took them stating that he wondered why he couldn't sleep. Not particularly reassuring. If it wasn't for the sedating affect or the risk of insomnia I have to wonder how med-compliant he would actually be if he could sleep good without them.

His nurse asked me if I had heard from the lady from Ready4Life. I wasn't even thinking that I wouldn't since my son refused to sign a release giving me access unless an emergency. I guess she hasn't gotten back to PACT either so I don't know what is happening with that. His nurse dropped off paperwork for him to register or sign up for subsidized housing. Could my son fill it out or me help him? Not that I don't want to however PACT is supposed to be helping him with this and I really doubt that he could fill it out without help. I told my son what is was and that Ready4Life or PACT could help him. That I can help him too but that he needs to start relying on them more if he can't do it on his own.

I also tried to express my concerns with his nurse over how things would proceed if I was not around to ensure that most appointments were kept or what will happen when he is on his own. I can't say the answer was reassuring. If they have clients that receive injections or need medications administered by them then they have to keep trying to see the person however if that is not the case then appointments get missed. Like I said. Not reassuring. We did discuss moving his weekly appointment with her to another day as on Thursdays she can't see him in the afternoon and he is rarely awake at 11:30 AM. Will see how Wednesday afternoons work out. Still waiting on the new lady that started with PACT that is more family orientated. I guess she is swamped so it's taking her time to fit us in. Hopefully Monday she will finally get to met my son.

I haven't said much here about my son's Nana. I had asked that he not contact her and I guess he hasn't. I let him know yesterday that he could providing he leave me out of any conversations with her.

That's it for today ;)

Mom
BarbieBF

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Anger

I thought I would center today's post on ODD since I make reference to my son's ODD fairly frequently and I myself am trying to get a better understanding of what is happening and motivating my son's behavior.

Two articles that have caught my attention today are:

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and AD/HD
http://www.additudemag.com
Physiology of Anger
http://www.mentalhelp.net

My son's nurse was here this morning. I had tried to get him up before she arrived but I had no success as yet again he was up all night and didn't go to sleep until after 4. Another morning of waking up to him sleeping on the sofa. By the way it is one of the apartment rules that he sleep in his own bed. She dropped off a list of the weekly event schedule for June, July & August. Hopefully the next one will make it to him earlier :) I brought up to her that even though I know my son isn't officially diagnosed with ODD that it seems to be controlling his behavior so much right now. During this conversation she commented that his pdoc had mentioned that he might not have schizophrenia but psychosis NOS. I don't know what to think. I'm guessing only time will tell for sure. In the meantime it's symptoms of ODD that I think need the most attention right now. My son did get up while she was still here not that he particularly played a big part in the conversation. We were discussing what services Ready4Life could help him with and I rubbed his leg to get him to pay attention since this is his life and services that he will need to be aware of and to ask for help with. Defiance poked it's little head up and he kind of snapped: yes I know and went back to ignoring us. As I said on another post his only concern seems to be getting away from me without any regard to what is going to happen once he is on his own or any thoughts as to how is going to manage and take care of himself. I'm guessing that part of this defiance or anger is because I have made it clear that we will not be spending money on him like we have in the past. We did take him to get cigarettes for the rest of the month before he spent what little money he did have. He ended up buying an E-Cigarette Vaporizer and extra flavored cartridges that don't give nicotine and one carton of cherry flavored cigarettes. He still had one carton of his normal cigarettes. My son smokes at least a carton a week. The math doesn't really work does it? Last night he decided to spend the last of his money on a pocket knife. A knife I heard hitting his bedroom door last night. I reminded him again that he has a whole month to go yet and he will have no money for cigarettes or energy drinks etc. His response is that he will go without. We have had our issues in the past trying to limit his cigarettes when my hubby and I were the ones paying for them. It was a daily argument at 30 a day. Maybe I should be looking forward to him moving out so that I don't have to deal with this!

When his nurse asked him about PACT talking to Ready4Life and I stated that he had signed a waiver allowing Ready4Life to talk to PACT, his defiance reared it's head again. He didn't recall signing it. The lady from Ready4Life had made it quit clear what it was and had made sure that he understood what it was that he was signing although I guess at the time his only concern was not having my name on it. If you read the above link my son fits all of the criteria not just four. I have seen him purposely not do things just because I have asked him to do it. I have seen him purposely do things around me that he knows that I don't like that he does not do around other people. All these things and more are happening consistently even when he is not psychotic and they are having a significant impairment on his functioning. I have some pretty basic apartment rules that he is refusing to follow like cleaning up after himself and sleeping in his own bed. Rules that a 5 year old can follow. Rules that he has agreed are reasonable and that he knows he has to do however blames everyone else for him not doing them. I guess I need to get back to some basics on how to handle/discipline ADHD and ODD as I have been lax on the boundaries and not enforcing the consequences. This should be fun!

The above article on anger helps to give a better understanding of anger. However I still don't get why someone with psychosis seems unable to feel or react appropriately to emotions like love yet seem to have an unending supply of emotions like anger and resentment. Perhaps it's because different neurotransmitters are involved? I wonder if that is something that science should be looking into! Between feelings of anger and resentment and what appears to be ODD to me, my son seems to be acting and reacting on a basic instinct of, well to put it bluntly, screw you. With no regard to his own mental or physical well-being. Being defiant is more important.

Oops... I forgot that I had started making some bread.

Mom
BarbieBF

Between a Rock and a Hard Place.

I have not been so unsure of what to do in a long time. My heart is aching, my brain is saying it's time and I'm stuck, just stuck! No one can tell me what to do and no one can know what the outcome will be. I sometimes wonder about parent/caregiver PTSD. Watching our loved ones go through psychotic breaks and episodes is traumatic. Even when stable the fear of if/when the next break will happen is a daily concern and worry. We live with the anxiety and stress of questioning everything that we do. Is this the right choice? Will this work or make things worse? What if what I'm doing is wrong? and even What if what I'm doing is right? Then what? When things are tough we put our heads down, square our shoulders and pray for the strength to just get through one more day. We have learned to ride the waves, so to speak, and to hope for calmer waters. Then one day those waves abate just a little bit and we can look up. New uncharted territory. Do we pull ashore or keep riding the waves we now have intimate knowledge of? Christopher Columbus would not have discovered a new continent if he had stayed in the boat!

I woke up this morning to the usual mess in my kitchen and living room with my son snoring away on the sofa. Again he had not taken his pills until sometime this morning. I call his name and he sits up. The sofa is soaked with his sweat. Sweat that smells like hot sauce. After several attempts and incoherent responses I finally get him off the sofa and tell him he needs to clean up some of this mess as my husband won't be able to find room to even make his lunch for work. He managed to pick up a couple of items from the coffee table before heading to the bathroom to hug the toilet. A result of him being mobile while sedating meds are strong in his system or something else, as he has been going for 'walks' again. He must not have been very coherent when he was eating a bowl of canned ravioli as it was smeared on the sofa and on the floor. So it's 4:30 AM and I'm spot cleaning the sofa! Not a happy camper but I hold my tongue, put on some coffee since I'm obviously up, then talk him into moving from the bathroom to his bed so I can go pee. This is one boat that I don't want to be on anymore!

But! What will happen when he's on his own and there is no one that loves him watching out for him? Are his roommates going to tolerate even a quarter of what I tolerate? I have visions of him looking and smelling like a bum. Dirty laundry, dirty bedding. Garbage filled room. Not eating right. Perhaps even missed medications with un-monitored marijuana use. I see a psychotic break in the makings. PTSD or being realistic?

So I'm stuck between this proverbial rock and a hard place. My head is saying it's time to let go and my heart is saying but my little boy... There in lies perhaps a very important truth. He will always be my little boy but he is no longer a little boy. If I don't step back then I am only stunting him further as he will never learn to take responsibility for his own life and self-care. He will continue to have unrealistic expectations of both himself and those around him. The thought of him being 30 and us still treading the same waters is perhaps my life line. I can't imagine another 10 years of being maid and minion to my adult son. 

His nurse said to me this morning: He is the one always saying that he is an adult and wants to be treated like one. She also pointed out that him moving out doesn't mean that I will never see him again. I tell myself that kids grow up and move away from home everyday. Granted most of those kids have a firmer grasp on reality and don't have cognitive deficits. They have learned through school and part time jobs, good and bad, how things work. On the up side my son has a network of people willing to help him. Until now I have been the one doing the asking for him. Baby steps mama! I need to step back and he needs to step up! Have I talked myself into letting this happen yet? I think so... *pushes me the rock out of the way and baby steps around it*

An article on Caregivers & PTSD: http://dontloseheart.org/

Mom

BarbieBF

up down down up... Any Elvis Presley fans?

"Baby, what you want me to do" is the title of the song.

We're goin' up, we're goin' down

We're goin' up, down down up

Any way you wanna let it roll

Yeah, yeah, yeah

You got me doin' what you want me

Oh baby what you want me to do

You got me peepin' you got me hidin'

You got me peep hide hide peep

Any way you wanna let it roll

Yeah yeah yeah

You got me doin what you want me

Baby what you want me to do

This was going through my head last night when I was trying to go to sleep. I actually did get to sleep after taking a Melatonin to be woken up by the police calling me at 11:08 PM. The arrangement was for after 7 PM and by 10 I figured it wasn't going to happen. Is it too late to drop by now? No I'm up. I sometimes wonder why I keep trying but I just can't find it in me to let my downstairs neighbor continue unchecked. They have received their second N5 notice or notice to terminate tenancy due to excess noise. Short story. Three officers showed up to inform me that me being yelled at, called an idiot, pervert, f'ing bitch, banging on walls and derogatory comments regarding me having sexual relations with my mentally retarded son do not meet the criteria or 'threshold' for them to press charges of harassment. Really what was I thinking?! I guess all I can do right now is cross my fingers that a hearing with the Landlord and Tenant Review Board happens soon and they decide that I have enough evidence to let management evict her and hopefully before winter months as apparently it's harder to evict then. Occurrence numbers from the police with warnings and a noise violation ticket that management says has to do with the police and not them. Audio recordings of her and her husband's verbal outbursts and banging that the police don't want to see. My motto on life right now is Grrrr!

Nana isn't doing to good. I won't say much about that here other then I really hope that she gets the help that she needs.

My son... up down down up... seems to be jest of it. We meet with the lady from Ready4Life yesterday. I'm guessing she has had her fair share of experience with some tough and stressful situations. At least I hope so and if not she handled the sometimes awkward moments very well. His ODD seemed to have been kicked into high gear. Took us about 5 minutes to get him to agree to putting me down as an emergency contact as he pretty much wanted anyone else or no one. First it was his dad who lives in a different province/state so that doesn't really work then it was the guy who lives across the hall (his friend's dad) but he didn't have his consent or even his knowledge that it was happening. Eventually he agreed to me however I am not allowed access to his file and they can't talk to me regarding it unless it is an emergency. Regardless of his ODD it was probably a good thing that I was there as I answered a lot of the questions for him since he couldn't. He didn't know the dates of his last two hospital admissions. He doesn't know the factual information on how far he made it in school. He didn't know his diagnoses included concurrent disorders or what that meant. He didn't know the name of his disability worker. You get the point. I asked questions regarding the level of help they can give him and they can help him get furnishings if needed and take him to the food bank if needed. They also have their own crisis line that he can use. They will look into some places for him that is room rentals where they share the rest of the house as that is all he can afford on his current income. His only concern seemed to be getting away from me. The person that got him up and took him to the appointment! Well my hubby did the driving and bought him his coffee.

This past weekend was a little tough and I ended up taking away his phone and internet privileges for two nights. Saturday night he decided to leave as he couldn't stay here under those conditions. He was back within about 10 minutes. Again I won't go into all the details but things have gotten way out of control and a lot of people are getting hurt. He of course was up most of the night and slept most of Sunday. Same Sunday night.

After the appointment with Ready4Life we all came home and talked. I'm fairly impressed with myself and my hubby as we managed to keep things calm and rational. It was difficult but I managed to not allow my son to turn our conversation into side arguments that had nothing to do with what we were talking about. As I said his ODD was in high gear. Statements like: I'm going to call disability and get everyone fired... We were discussing how much of his check I'm entitled to. We were also discussing what the payment covers and it isn't luxuries. He refused to look at the disability website and see the breakdown as of course he isn't going to believe what he reads on the internet! I did my best to ignore these statements and told him to go ahead. As of this payment I am insisting on receiving what I am supposed to get. How am I going to pay for entertainment? He can't have it both ways anymore. I am done with the bullshit and lies. Being accused of not treating him like an adult, being controlling and putting him through hell while he's acting like 5 year old who can't even find the garbage-can not alone take care of himself. I'm done giving and giving. Welcome to the adult world were money really doesn't grow on trees and when you don't have, you don't have it. I did agree to give him back phone and internet however it is a privilege and it can be taken away and he is not to contact his Nana right now. I filled him in on what is happening with her and why but didn't have a long conversation on it and he said he needed time to think through what is happening. I really hope that he does!

His defiance seems to have lost some steam so that's a good thing. Until later...

Mom

BarbieBF

Serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

I wear the Serenity Prayer on a charm on my necklace. My mom bought it for me in 2001, not long before she passed away, when I was on my first attempt to get clean from addiction. It held meaning for us both then and today I find myself revisiting it's meaning yet again.



Above picture credit to: Etsy

My normal optimism had deserted me for a little bit. I tried to blame it on PMS which I'm sure played it's part but I also recognize that there are things going on that are making me feel sad. My daughter left yesterday to go back home with her dad. I miss her already. This journey I find my son and I on is, as usual, keeping me on my toes but underneath all that is a sadness that has been building up for some time now. I find myself reading and rereading these words and realizing that once again I need to apply it's wisdom to my own life.

A couple of days ago my mom's birth sister contacted me wanting to met up with my sister and I at an Elvis Festival going on this weekend. For those who are not aware an Elvis Festival is were Elvis Tribute Artists (ETA's) compete and show their love for Elvis Presley. For several years my older sister and I bonded and rebuilt our relationship through a mutual love of Elvis's music. Granted I had no idea about any of this the first time my sister asked me to go to Akron to see an ETA with her. Go where? To see a what? I still chuckle over the memory of that conversation. Anyways fast forward to January of this year and we had a falling out. Sadly over money and other things. I take full responsibility for the falling out as it is my quest for answers that has caused this rift. I find that without the answers, or proof of the answers I am getting, that I am unable to continue the relationship. Add in years of hurt and misunderstandings and I now find myself without not one but two sisters. My younger sister has also cut off communicating with me and I can only guess that it is a result of the falling out with my older sister as we were communicating up until that point. Since then she has not responded to me so I can only assume since she won't even confirm one way or the other her reasons. I have tried to put it behind me and I try to pretend like it doesn't hurt since the choice to walk away was mine. Well enough of pretending. It does hurt and it hurts more then I thought that it would. Not so much the current rift but the reasons leading up to it. So I read the words of the above prayer. I had finally found the courage to ask the questions that had been haunting me for a very long time. Questions that are still in my mind unanswered. Now I need the serenity to accept what I cannot change. Family can be hard sometimes. I see it also with other blogs that I follow. Hurt and misunderstandings that get in the way of the love that we share. Our own hurts and their hurts. Walking away doesn't lessen the pain nor the love so I guess acceptance is what we are left with and hopefully having the wisdom to know that which we cannot change can bring us the serenity that we seek.

I'm afraid we missed our appointment today with Ready4Life. We were 15 mintues late and just missed her. Rescheduled to Friday. Still have to get him down for blood work.

My son's psychiatrist appointment yesterday went well. We discussed, or I tried to discuss, my son's diagnose(s). Officially schizophrenia with concurrent disorders... The concurrent disorders being unofficially addiction, ADHD and ODD and per my son OCD. As my hubby sometimes jokes 'So we are playing the alphabet game.' Really in the end they are only letters of the alphabet. As long as we are taking care of symptoms or helping to lessen the 'stress' that he is going through then we are doing our jobs. My son agreed to a switch from Risperidone to Invega. No change in his Clozapine and we need to try and get him back on his Neurontin. His pdoc expressed concerns to my son that we do not want him relapsing and what he is currently experiencing may be an indication or leading up to what his previous breaks have been.

I find myself yet again at an acceptance crossroads. I have had to re-evaluate my own acceptance of my son's schizophrenia. My son has schizophrenia. There is a sadness yet a serenity in my own coming to terms with this. Accept the things I cannot change. There are so many things that I cannot change at the moment. His Nana's feelings towards me. That my daughter is there and not here. That my sisters are not currently a part of my family life. That we are in a lot of debt and my downstairs neighbor seems unable to keep her base from vibrating my floor. ;) Figured I would through the last two in there. However there are things that I am now learning to have the courage to do. I have been able to make my family, my husband and my children, the priority that they need to be in my life. I am doing my best to increase mental illness awareness and to help those that I can even if it's only to show support through my own experiences. I am where and who I need to be. As for my son's schizophrenia: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it... However I can and I will continue to be, to the best of my ability, the support that he needs me to be.

Mom
BarbieBF

Ready4Life and family support.

The last couple of days seem to have flown by. Wednesday we received a phone call from Ready4Life. Thursday I meet with a family support worker from PACT and my daughter got a new tattoo. Yesterday was doctor appointments and the movies. Now it's Saturday, hubby is working, the kids are sleeping and I'm feeling a little sad (truthfully more then a little), as my daughter will be going back home to her dad's on Tuesday. I can't blame PMS for feeling a little choked up about this. Having her here has been wonderful and I think it has even done my son some good. They have been watching movies together at night and thanks to my daughter someone that they both used to know when they both lived with me about 6-7 years ago may be re-kindling a friendship with my son. This boy/man is in college and as far as I can tell doesn't do drugs or drink. Will have to see how this plays out as I know he asked my son about paintball.

I wasn't expecting a phone call from Ready4Life so quickly. When the lady called and asked me how my son felt about it, my response was basically: He is usually all for it when we are butting heads however he tends to back off from it when things are calm. I cautioned her that my son was on the other line listening as I heard the echo when he picked up. The conversation went better then I had anticipated. In the past when my son has been faced with this discussion he would state that there is no need as he is going to be moving back with his Nana or Dad. His Nana no longer lives on her own and despite my son's usual insistence that this is an option, it really isn't. They discussed what the program can do for him and set up an appointment for next week. A little while later I asked my son if he wanted to discuss this and he said no that there was no point. In case you are in the Halton, Ontario, Canada region this is their link: http://www.r-4-l.org/

My son usually sees one of his support workers Thursday mornings, if he is awake and doesn't cancel. Despite the fact that he had gotten up for school and stayed up all day, he still managed to stay up all night and hadn't gone to bed until 6 AM. When the lady first called we discussed her coming by at another time however when I realized that she was the family support worker that his nurse had told me about, I asked that she still come by as we really need this extra support. I didn't wake my son as I wanted a chance to talk to her, uninterrupted, about what has been happening. One of the first things I told her was that I am so grateful that PACT has brought her on board as even though my son's other workers listen to me and my concerns, we/I need someone who can help from a family support point of view. I told her about the Adderall, the (hysterical) laughter, irregular sleep pattern, the marijuana and filled her in on some of the family struggles. The laughter was still happening as of that morning when he spent several hours finding the thought of cow udders to be extremely funny. Ok maybe they are a little funny :) but not enough to warrant hours of seemingly uncontrollable giggling. Again I was thankful to have my concerns validated. She took note of the laughter and sleep and said that she would bring it up at their meeting later that day as there appears to be something going on. I talked to her about my concerns regarding my son's inability to communicate in a better way with his Nana, including my thoughts on their relationship (current and past) and Folie à deux, stating that my son needs help learning to express himself better or differently as this is not helping him. We discussed his medications a little bit. I still think that his anti-psychotics should have been upped after the Adderall however at this point I have no idea how to accomplish that without causing his ODD to act up. The last thing I want to do is interfere with the fact that he is being medication compliant, at least as far as I know.

I was asked if my son was still using marijuana. I said no however now I am not so sure. My son has a cigarette vaporizer that he got some time ago and hasn't been using it for months. I have been noticing over the past week that he may be using it even though I am unable to find the mouth piece which in itself is odd. He has been charging it and moving it around. Some time ago I read an article that teenagers are using these to smoke marijuana along with electronic or E-Cigarettes. You can even find videos on YouTube.com on how to fool people so they can't tell that is what you are doing with it. I guess since it releases the 'smoke' as vapor there is minimal or no smell plus it's vapor so more effective and less harsh on the lungs? I'm not sure exactly how they work and I do believe they are questioning the harmful affects of vapor/liquid in the lungs. All I know is why would my son being charging it and where is the mouth piece? If he is using it for weed then it only stands to reason that it would be kept out of my sight. I also think I heard my son opening his bedroom window the night that he charged it. I have seen my son cold and/or sweating and he doesn't think to open or close his bedroom window. Also a night that he stayed up all night and stated that even though he had taken his pills that he couldn't get to sleep. Lot's of red flags. I really wish that my past experience with addiction could serve me better in helping my son, as it's the marijuana in my home that is the straw breaking the camels back, metaphorically speaking. Regardless of how much I love my son I can not continue to support this behavior or choice. I wish I could make him see the damage that it is causing.

An hour with this lady and it feels like I barely touched the surface but it's a start and hopefully a good one. It was a comfort to have my daughter also sit in on this meeting as her take on things, seeing things as they are by being here and knowing what information is being passed on, I think helped to paint the bigger picture. Hopefully soon we can set up another appointment where she can meet my son. During some of our talking I mentioned the Schizophrenia.com forum that I help to moderate and showed her the main page as it has a lot of information on schizophrenia. While it is a volunteer thing I sometimes lovingly call it my 'job'. She asked me if I would be interested in participating and helping with some support groups that PACT is looking into starting. I have wanted to be more involved for awhile now so perhaps this will be my opportunity to step out of my own comfort zone and give the support I would love to give to other people. Something that I am never to sure how to respond to are comments from people in real life, face to face, telling me on how strong and inspiring I am. Comments like: 'You seem to have your hands full.' Physically no. Mentally maybe. My son doesn't take up much of my physical time. I do feel for parents or caregivers who juggle family, work and broken systems. 'You seem to handle things very well.' or 'You are doing all the right things.' Most of the time however there are times when I doubt myself and wonder if I'm doing the right things. I find I hesitate before I get out that quiet 'Thank you.' Still I appreciate the vote of confidence and even more so coming from someone who has experience in all this.

My son eventually got up around 2 PM and went with my daughter and I to my daughter's tattoo appointment. My daughter has gone through stages of punk or emo? Sometimes I feel old! Mohawks, green hair, piercings and tattoos. I actually found her green Mohawk cute! Some piercings have been removed while some remain. I like her Monroe and I'm glad she kept it. Her latest addition is a cross tattoo in recognition of her new found faith in God. The lady did a really good job.

Yesterday we had a follow up appointment for my daughter's yearly check up to get x-rays done for the scoliosis surgery she had on her spine several years ago. Her spin was literally an S. Double major curves each around 50 degrees. I forgot again to take before and after pictures. She is healing nicely. She gained I do believe 2 inches as result of the straightening of her spine and ended up taller them me!

My hubby had an appointment to renew his Ciprelax which I of course attended with him. I sometimes wonder if I spend too much time reading and researching mental illness and other disorders. I think my hubby has ADD and perhaps Paranoid Personality Disorder. He agrees with the ADD but not the paranoia. I very well could be over-analyzing that one. I brought up to our Doctor that I think his anxiety may be a result of ADD and that he fits about 90% of the criteria. The Doctor didn't even bat an eye and fairly quickly said that it was possible and is putting in a referral to a psychiatrist as he doesn't diagnose these types of things. I will save the paranoia discussion for the pdoc ;)

We all went to see the movie Transformers: Age of Extinction last night. I liked it however I was a little disappointed but the ending made up for that. I think it's been 4 or 5 nights in a row now that I haven't had to take anything for sleep and I have been sleeping most of the night, only waking up a couple of times. To borrow one of my son's responses. Nice! It's been a fairly busy week so maybe that is helping to combat my insomnia. My downstairs neighbor has been behaving so I haven't had to take any sleeping pills either. We also went to a bookstore yesterday as I wanted to buy a book I read about. It's called Far From The Tree by Andrew Solomon. Winner of 11 national awards and USA Today states: "A masterpiece of nonfiction, the culmination of a decade's worth of research and writing... It should be required reading for psychologists, teachers and above all, parents.... A bold and unambiguous call to redefine how we view difference.' 700 pages should keep me busy for awhile. I used to read all the time... Romance and vampires ;) I also got a book called Awakening Your Psychic Powers...

We are a week late getting my son's monthly blood work done. I seem to be slipping a bit. I also realized yesterday that I had let our car insurance payment bounce again. Two months in a row. Time to get re-organized! Have to call the pharmacy and have them refill two of my son's prescriptions. I seriously worry about who will take care of these things or anything else for that matter if/when my son is out on his own. It's a scary thought. I think I have written enough for one day so I won't go into that now.

Mom
BarbieBF

A glimpse, a pleasant surprise for a change.

I managed to get some laundry done, although I did keep forgetting about it and even had a nap in between which is rare for me. My daughter and a friend were watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix, my son was sleeping, the downstairs neighbor wasn't blaring her music and I just couldn't keep my eyes open. Made two loafs of bread, one was chocolate chip and banana and the other was whole wheat with sunflower and flax seeds that we had with supper. Did a quick vacuum and wipe down of the bathroom. I think I need to get some new filters for the vacuum or see if the hose has something stuck in it as it's not picking up like it should. All in all a pretty quiet and uneventful day.

My son slept til about 4:30 PM and woke up in a pretty good mood which I wasn't really expecting. I was mentally holding my breath for the unfair laptop discussion. He did eventually ask to talk to me in private as my daughter's friend was still here. It's conversations like this that seem to pull at my heartstrings, perhaps more so then seeing him not doing well. I don't know if it's because I think I'm seeing a glimpse of the man he is capable of being. Calm, reasonable and open. He was sorry that he couldn't get up for school that he has been going and plans to continue going, he just really couldn't get up. He says that he had taken his meds earlier in the night but still had problems getting to sleep and didn't until sometime between 6 and 7. Perhaps the missing Lithium did contribute, although I doubt it, but for sake of keeping things calm I let it slide. I asked him why he hadn't woken me for a Trazadone since he does have these to use as needed for sleep. He didn't want to wake me. Nice of him however he usually wakes me for some pretty mundane things so I told him next time to wake me. As for the laptop. I backed down some. I appreciate him approaching things like this and try to meet him in the middle where I can. He could not have it back yesterday as that was the day he did miss school however I agreed to him getting it back today. He agreed that that was reasonable. I have to say I like being pleasantly surprised for a change as it doesn't happen very often. I caution myself though as I wonder if this pleasantness has anything to do with me wanting him to work with Ready4Life, a way of appeasing me. It's hard to tell and I really do dislike the fact that I even have to question his motives but as I have said before: He usually warrants an A++ in manipulation. Still... I am proud of him for being reasonable about it.

He was somewhat hyper in the evening. He still has that $140.00 in his wallet plus money in his bank account, yes surprisingly, and he has gotten it in his head that he wants to buy an expensive watch. He has a thing for lighters, pens and watches. Hubby was too tired to take him last night so maybe tonight. The quicker he spends this money the better as it going on a watch is much better then it going on marijuana or alcohol. I guess my insomnia is behaving, wahoo!, as I slept pretty good and didn't notice that he had not gone to bed until I got up at 5:30 this morning and he was still up. I had even given him a Trazadone in the dish with his other pills last night so that he could get a good nights sleep. He forgot to take them. Thought that he had but didn't. A little unsettling however I try to remind myself that recovery takes time and his mind must still be racing some. Or it's ADHD getting in the way. So many variables to consider. Because of his hyperness or excess energy I reminded him that he has Neurontin/Gabapentin and got him one. He took his pills minus the Trazadone and shortly after that said he was going for a nap now that he has taken his pills. I did give him back his laptop this morning. He seemed happily surprised when I brought it up, like he had forgotten about it. I know a lot of parents don't like their kids spending too much time on their computers however I don't like it when my son doesn't want to spend time on his. It's usually a sign that he is in his own head too much or his thoughts are racing too much.

Another one of my son's workers called yesterday as someone usually sees him Monday afternoons. When I told her that he was still sleeping that he had been up all night, she right away asked if I wanted her to set up an appointment with his pdoc. I told her what his main nurse thought however the simple fact that she seemed to recognize that my son's current sleeping habits are not a good indication of where he is at, appeased me a great deal. She said that she would make note of it and bring it up at today's meeting of the staff.

It's 1 PM and I should wake the kids up. If I let my son sleep all day he may have problems getting to sleep tonight and tomorrow is school. Will probably have to deal with him wanting me to walk to the mall with him to buy his watch. Hopefully I can talk him into waiting until hubby gets home as hubby and I have to go out and see our chiropractor today as well.

Mom
BarbieBF