Thursday, March 12, 2015

Alcohol. The Legal Addiction. The Other Mental Illness.

For the past couple of days I have been reading articles and/or blogs on addiction. Hoping that I will find a glimmer of something, anything, that will help me to know what to do next.

"But will your LOVE ever become greater than your FEAR? Would you be strong enough to reach out for help? Will you learn to say NO? Will you allow me to experience the consequences of my actions? Will you LOVE me enough to feel your own discomfort and stop enabling my addiction?
I lay trapped with within the confines of this cold dark, serpent – addiction, and I am… dying."

Lorelie Rozzano

Jagged Little Edges

“And I will try to fix you.” —Coldplay
I don’t think any of us sets out with this purpose in mind —this purpose of fixing someone.
If we look further back, the fixing begins with loving someone.
We love them.
We see such better things for them.
We see where they are headed and our heart aches inside.
The pain hurts right down to our bones."

That Sober Life

Tuesday night my son went out to the store... I already knew before he came back and told me that he had gone to the liquor store. This time he got 3 bottles of Jack Daniel's.

Alcohol is not allowed in my home. Not that that stops my son if he can get it in here and I'm thinking he did since he wasn't in and out last night. A sure sign that he probably has it is his room. One bottle anyways. The other 2 he had stashed, if you can call it that, on the town-home complex grounds behind our unit. Stashed behind a box... easy to see if one was to walk past that area.

Do I love my son enough to stop enabling his addiction? If only there was an easy answer to that question. Yesterday it bothered me all day to know that those bottles were out there. What if a kid found them? What if the police are called? What if I get some sort of notice from management? All because I don't want to cause more strife between me and my son. Because I don't want to push him into having to hide it in the home. Reality is that he is going to do that anyways. Reality is that alcohol is causing the strife regardless of what I do or don't know.

This morning I went and got the other 2 bottles... I stood there, holding on to them, thinking now what? I won't bring them into the home. I can't leave them were they were. So I stashed them in the back yard until I can decide what to do with them. Or do I poor them out? They aren't mine and I didn't find them in the home...

Yesterday morning my son's case worker from PACT called to let me know who was picking him up for his first group meeting. I brought up that I was thinking about calling ADAPT to see if I could speed things up as no one has returned his case workers call yet. It has to be my son that calls...

My hubby got a little peeved yesterday because I bought my son a couple of items while we were all at the store. My son is buying alcohol and I'm buying my son things... At the time I was just thinking how I didn't want to ruin what was a quiet day with arguing or black and white thinking. I didn't want to push my son to the bottle...

Honestly I do know better. Addiction will push my son to the bottle, not me.

I'm no virgin to addiction, being a recovered addict. I say recovered now instead of recovering because I don't think there is a chance in hell that I would put myself back into that life style. And it is a life style. One that I choose to turn my back on because I love myself more then I love being high. I see it now for the hell that it was. "I lay trapped within the confines of this cold dark serpent - addiction, and I am... dying." I decided I wanted to live.

I remember my mom, out of love, handing me over money for rent, for food, for my kids... My addiction knew before that money even touched my hands that her love was providing me with my next fix.

"I am not your child, or spouse, or friend. I’ve changed. I don’t belong to you any more. I don’t care about you. Not in the way you want me too. I care about getting high. I WANT to get high. I will do ANYTHING to get high. I LOVE getting high. I NEED to get high.. and I will step over you to do it. When I look at you, I don’t see YOU. I see a means to an end. You have money. I want it. End of story." Jagged Little Edges.

"I didn’t write this article with the intent of telling you how to live your life if you are the parent or spouse of an addict. I wrote it to sort of shake you awake. Please realize that hoping he or she will somehow snap into shape and start moving forward into his full potential without any outside help or new tools whatsoever is sort of insanity. In a way, if you are preventing them from getting help by cleaning up their messes and fixing up their lives, you are a stumbling block to their recovery. 

Ouch. Hard to hear, right? I know, you might be angry with me right now, but that’s okay. I’ve heard that people usually get mad at the first person who shakes them awake." That Sober Life.

I'm not mad... I'm sad... Sad because I know that I can't make this easier for my son. I can't help him be an addict. I can't be his enabler, his go to when he needs help feeding his addiction. My son's problem at the moment may be alcohol. Only because that is what is readily available. If there was a pot store on the corner then it would be marijuana.

I noticed last night that my son's voices are coming back. When I asked him he denied it. I know better. His medications were working. It's not the medications fault that he is doing things that are triggering his schizophrenia. No it's not his fault that he has schizophrenia or addiction, his other mental illness. However it is his choice to not take responsibility for managing his schizophrenia. It is his choice to stay in denial.

I know that I do not want to be a part of the problem. I want to be a part of the solution. I want my son to have a future that is not being controlled by his addiction and/or schizophrenia. Since one is feeding the other...


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