Friday, March 6, 2015

Going blind...

It's been a quiet week. My son seems to be recovering and his psychotic thoughts and voices are going away. He is still somewhat delusional in thinking but nothing major. Yesterday I teased him because he was making a sandwich and cleaning up after himself. He replied that he was feeling healthier. Yes that happens when you are not in psychosis :)

The other day he told me that he thought he was going blind. My gut told me that he didn't mean physically so I asked him what it was that he couldn't see. He is having trouble seeing his psychotic thoughts or imaginings. I explained that this was because he is not as psychotic anymore and what he was seeing was part of his schizophrenia. I spoke about this with my hubby and explained that I try really hard not to use terms like normal as they don't really apply here and for my son the goal is not to be normal. I know that for him it can feel like a lose to not see these things so the best that I can do is approach it from the viewpoint of not being psychotic rather then being normal.

This morning we had another little chat. I try to nicely point out that certain thoughts or ideas are delusional because no I can't help him obtain a spaceship so that he can travel the universe. I may be able to do a lot of things and figure out stuff however I do not have those types of contacts :).

Not surprisingly we also discussed marijuana. Earlier in the week I was helping him find a power cord and looked in his coat... Found a pot pipe and screens. Told him it was being confiscated. He doesn't feel like this world has anything for him so he wants to hide in marijuana. Yes he acknowledged that. At one point he tried the: Can we try and you can give me so much every day. My response was: I am not Nana. He grinned and dropped that approach moving on to the idea of getting his own place. All I can do is remind him that it's up to him how many hospitalizations he wants to have before he realizes that marijuana is not worth it. It's his journey I'm afraid.

He would like to have a girlfriend. Well he isn't going to meet any girls by not participating in life. His case worker from PACT was here earlier in the week. She asked him if he had voices and of course his answer was no ;) I stepped in and said perhaps asking how many voices or what they are saying would get a more realistic answer. My son replied that yes he has voices, entities which is normal for him.

Starting next week I'm hoping that he will be more involved with PACT's outings. When asked my son hesitated and I stepped in and said that I would answer for him and yes. Wednesday is there next group meeting were they discuss what type of outings the group will do and someone from PACT will come and pick him up. Monday's they go to the YMCA which again I said yes to. He can swim, work out or do whatever he wants during that time. His worker said she would look into getting him a pass. I don't think she has heard back from ADAPT yet.

I haven't had him call disability yet :( I really should get on that.

He has been taking his medications and it's fairly easy to tell that the psychosis and voices are leaving him. His face is much clearer. He is eating good. He is watching TV and playing games. Maybe not for long periods but still he is doing it. I do feel for him here as it has to be hard to be in this in-between stage where he wants to interact with schizophrenia yet it's getting harder to do. He can 'think' psychotic thoughts yet can't 'see' them as easily anymore. One day he spoke to me about one of his entities that he thought was his son. Whether they are real or not the lose of them will still feel like a lose to him.

Another topic we discussed today was love. I asked him what he thought love was? To be soft like a baby. Translation being soft on him or lenient ;) There are a lot of different sides to love. Sometimes love is hard. It can be a lot of things at one time. Because I'm not always soft it doesn't mean that I love any less. Sometimes making the hard choices is love.


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