Road Trip, Home Sweet Home!

What can I say about the first part of our road trip to see my daughter? Nothing good I'm afraid. Left Burlington, Ontario Friday night and got there early Monday morning. The motor in our car went in Medicine Hat, Alberta on Sunday. My hubby decided he wanted to decrease his Ciprelax dose plus missed taking some due to driving. My son still isn't recovered from the Adderall mishap and his mood and attitude was still pretty negative. By the time we reached Banff National Park I had had enough and part of me is still wishing I had had the kahunas to leave them both on the side of the road. As it was I made my son exit the vehicle, rental car (left our car in Medicine Hat to get the motor replaced), that he decided needed to feel his fist while I got my own tears of frustration under control. That took about 10-15 minutes. That night I managed to get a Trazadone, along with his other meds, into my son so he passed out pretty good in the back seat. We arrived in Langley, British Columbia around 4 AM and had to wait until 7 for someone to be at the motel so we could check in. At least we made it... Oh I ended up buying hubby and I cigarettes so there went over two months of no smoking down the drain. What can I say? It was smoke or get divorced ;)

We checked into the motel and finally got my son into the shower. There was no way I was going to let his Dad and Nana see him looking like something the cat dragged in. I'm still mentally kicking myself a little bit that I didn't have my guard up regarding the Adderall. I had so wanted them to see how much progress my son had made. Instead we show up with him barely stable. Not to much I can do about that now. At least he was clean!

I'm afraid the first day with my daughter was through somewhat of a sleep deprived haze. On a good note my insomnia didn't act up the whole time I was there. I guess exhaustion has it's up side.

Wednesday was graduation day. Four proud parental figures watched her walk across the stage and accept her diploma. *happy tears* Thursday was the grad dinner and dance to which all of her parental figures also attended. Certainly a lot more to a high school graduation now than when I graduated. I am extremely proud to have been a part of it.

Hubby and I also attended my daughter's baptism. A very small church or group of very nice people. They seemed to really like my daughter and I'm glad that she has found them. Religion has not been a big part of my own life. Growing up with a somewhat fanatical father when it came to Religion and the Bible I tend to veer away from religious denominations. However I have managed to hang onto God himself so I'm happy that my daughter has also found him and made a place for him in her life.

This was the first time that I got to meet my kids step-mom. I think we got along pretty good. She was very nice and opened her home to us for which I am grateful. I didn't do nearly as much motel cooking as I had planned on doing. A little rehashing of old times with my ex... It seems he has spoken of an occasion when I threw an ashtray at his head. If I recall it was a cup and well deserved however he managed to leave out that part in the telling. I of course corrected the oversight!

Nana however is a different story. Happy to see me yet that quickly changed after my son 'vented' his version of the truth? Perhaps truth is not the right word since the only person that doesn't know that it was mostly bullshit is nana herself. The cold shoulder I got reflected her apparent want to 'strangle me' for treating my son like a child and being too controlling. I guess I was supposed to buy him a top of the line Alienware laptop for almost $3000.00 with no strings attached, certainly not use it as a condition of him attending school a whole whopping 6 hours a week. Not sure how I am being too controlling except that perhaps I shouldn't be trying to stop him from drinking and using? Perhaps I should be handing him over more money when he blows his on alcohol, games and whatever nicotine fad he is currently into? After all it's his disability check and shouldn't he get to blow it on himself while I pay for everything? Yes I'm being sarcastic. All this aside the most disturbing thing was that it seems my son spent some time going into detail with his Nana on how he was going to murder me. Yup a little scary and I believe it since he also later admitted it to me. Previously when my son lived with her he used to abuse her percocets and I'm pretty sure this time was no different. My son stayed with his Dad/Nana while hubby and I stayed at the motel. For about two days the way that he was looking at me was very unnerving to say the least. Very cold and calculating. Gotta love those perks! Did Nana think to tell me or warn me? Of course not. Others in the house overheard. Something I will be bringing up to his nurse when she returns my call today. Unfortunately I wasn't able to monitor his medications or alcohol use so he missed I'm thinking at least two nights worth of medications and stole alcohol from his Dad's stash. We went to see the fireworks for Canada Day, July 1st and security at the park poured out the rum that was in his water bottle. So ya part of the trip was others feeling uncomfortable due to the cold shoulder I was getting that no one could really understand why. When asked if she was upset with my son the answer of course was that she could never be upset with him. Apparently his negative attitude and comments like 'If they were my kids they would be getting a punch in the head', I guess for the ring he left out and the kids got a hold of, is acceptable behavior? I tried my best to ignore it as I know better then to expect any different. She managed to hug me instead of strangling me when I hugged her good-bye...

I had been saving up my Walmart dollars so that I could take my daughter shopping. One of my previous saving up of them had gone on a deep fryer that my son wanted so I figured she deserved the same so we took her shopping for some cloths. She got some underwear, bras, shorts, legging and quit a few shirts since they were on sale for $3.94 I do believe. I don't recall what else. It seems my son 'vented' about this as well stating that I had spent way more then I did and that it was unfair. Something else that was unfair. How much attention we were all giving my daughter for her graduation and baptism. Things like this happen everyday, so why all the fuss? I seem to be dripping with sarcasm today.

Then there was the trip to White Rock beach that we apparently omitted directly asking my son to go with us. My bad. It was a given on my part that he was coming with us as we talked about it with him and he was ready to leave with us when we left with no prompting from anyone to get ready. Yah I'm somewhat confused on that one too. Why be ready to go somewhere if you are not invited? Other then the fact that we couldn't find my son a pair of sandals that out of the blue he decided he needed even though he previously didn't want when I wanted to get him a pair, the trip to the beach turned into good day. Not much time spent at the actual beach as I'm afraid I got hit with an overwhelming thirst and need to get out of the heat so we stopped at a restaurant. By the time we made it to the beach it had cooled down, perhaps a bit too much but my daughter and her boyfriend had fun playing in the water anyways. We did end up getting my son a pair of sandals when we took my daughter cloth shopping and he even likes them still. I sometimes shake my head that I can buy him expensive things like a PSP4 and Nintendo3DS and he shows more long term appreciation for the littler things like sandals or shoes. Go figure. Child abuse as it's best it would seem. Here I go again with the sarcasm. In case I haven't mentioned it my son has a tendency to accuse me of child abuse when I don't give him everything that he wants when he is not stable.

I guess one of the 'positive' things I can take from this trip with respect to my son and his Nana is that the likelihood of me moving across country and putting them in the same province, certainly not the same city, is clearly not an option. I sincerely wish that that was not the case as I have on occasion entertained the thought for my daughter's sake. Until recently I was pretty set against it for several reasons. My sisters, although we are currently not talking and my hubby's job security. Yes he can find a job out there but not with an employer who has stood behind him through some pretty tough times and certainly not with the job security that he currently has. Asking a 58 year old man to give this up is not something I particularly feel comfortable doing and in reality I won't. I guess I'm still pretty set against it. Not really a positive thing for my daughter *sad face*

Despite all of the above there was still room for some sibling and family bounding. My daughter's step-mom took some beautiful pictures of my daughter's graduation and dance. Some bounding over Dad teaching the kids how to chop wood for a fire and roasted marshmallows and s'mores. The fireworks were awesome. My kid's half sister is adorable and so is their step-sister. The heat rash I developed on the other hand was not so awesome. I guess I spend way to much time indoors and we did have some pretty hot days.

Thursday night we managed to squeeze everything back into the rental, plus our daughter and her luggage as she came back with us and will fly back home after two weeks. The trip home was much calmer. We still drove through the night on two occasions however this time my hubby didn't miss taking his Ciprelax and we tried not to rush. Picked up our car on the way back with it's new-used motor. Got some cute pics of the kids sleeping. One with my daughter's head on my son's shoulder. Priceless. Below are some of the pics I took driving through the Canadian Rockies and clouds!

We made it home 9:30 Monday morning. All a little zombified. The kids headed for the sofas and quickly went back to the sleep. I of course got on my computer. I missed my baby. Spent a couple of hours catching up as best I good with my sleep deprived foggy brain. Eventually curled up with hubby and managed to get a power nap in. Totally passed out on the sofa later that evening which is rare for me. Hubby managed to guide me to bed. I left my daughter watching Alice in Wonderland on her own.

Once we all had a little energy we took a drive for cigarettes and to the grocery store. Later that evening my son decided he wanted to go to his friends for the night. No surprise there. He had bought two pipes when he got his cigarettes. His disability payment was waiting for him when we got home. A ride to his friends including a stop at the liquor store to 'pick up alcohol for his friend'. I'm never to sure how to handle these situations as I know I can't completely stop him from buying alcohol or using. I also forgot to make sure he had his meds with him when he left. So he smoked pot, drank alcohol and didn't take his meds on Monday night, on top of not really being stable as it is. Picked him up yesterday afternoon and he was not doing to well. Really distracted. Picked his sister up from visiting a friend and she was in the car for a bit before he even realized that she was there. Had to repeat everything 2-3 times. Took out his laptop but didn't get on it. Not a good sign when my son is to distracted to get on his computer. He has hardly been on it since before we left on our trip. Randomly decided to go for a walk stating that he is stressed and needs to get out. Another bad sign. When he says stressed that seems to mean symptomatic or at the very least racing thoughts which would explain how distracted he is. He says he is not hearing voices but I can't be sure. He says he doesn't have any weed. Again I can't be sure. I messaged his friend and asked him my son had left with any weed and he said no but he did leave with vodka. It took two searches of his room to find that as the first time I checked his backpack it wasn't in there but was the second time. I got rid of it. Usually I tell him that I have done this but this time I decided not to say anything, well I haven't yet. He knows the rules so if he wants to waste his money on alcohol going down the drain then so be it.

Getting him to take his meds was about an 8 hours ordeal. I finally got them into him at around 5 this morning after he had been up all night. Not good since I don't think he slept at his friends either. He kept saying that he was going to take them but wouldn't as he needed to think first. Not easy trying to 'nicely' persuade him without triggering what I call his ODD. Then when he finally did take them he dropped them. I think we may have missed .5 of his Risperdone but I did manage to give him a Trazadone so hopefully he will sleep for a long time. Even with the pills it took him over an hour to go to sleep. Not good.

I'm waiting for his nurse to call me back. I'm really thinking that we should have upped his Clozapine after the Adderall however I didn't want to trigger his ODD however it is pretty apparent that he is not recovering very well. Perhaps his nurse will have a solution. He is just not stable enough to withstand missed doses or lack of sleep. Or any weed it would seem.

Yesterday evening we went to pick up our hamster from my hubby's sister who hamster-sat for us. But first we took my daughter to a parking lot so that she could try driving. She also got her learners driving license before we left to head back home. Another proud moment. Of course she badgered us the whole drive home to let her drive.

Don't know if you can see it but that tire mark was my daughter's doing. Granted, I don't think she staled which is better then I usually do in a standard.

Well it's 2 PM and I have effectively managed to spend my day so far on my computer. Yes I missed it! I guess I should go and put a little more effort into waking my daughter and perhaps put in another call to my son's nurse before I hit the shower. Dreading the idea of causing all my mosquito bits to itch at once. I have managed to get bitten 27 times within the past 4-5 days. Yup I counted. 27 of them and some of them are nasty. FYI vinegar works just as good as After Bite or Benadryl and you only smell like french fries for about 5-10 minutes.

Mom
BarbieBF

Grad Dresses and Accessories, Just In Case

I almost didn't greet my hubby with a big hug and a kiss yesterday. I did my usual hi hun and a quick peek on the lips before entering the kitchen. I caught myself and gave him a big hug and a kiss. I really do love his hugs as being in his arms makes me feel protected and secure. When he isn't crushing me that is :) Lately I have taken to referring to him as the friendly giant as he still doesn't seem to have a good grasp of how strong he is. It wasn't his fault but I had allowed my son to put me in somewhat of a bad mood a little earlier. When I called to make sure that he was up and would be ready to be picked up when my hubby came home from work, he said that he didn't want to come home yet. His reasons? He wanted to spend as much time with his friend as possible because for the next two weeks he was going to be around people he didn't want to spend time with. That would be his Nana, father and sisters that he hasn't seen in a year and certainly not an accurate statement. I know that he wants to see and spend time with them however the residual affects of the Adderall is still causing him to have a negative attitude. Then he started making comments about how his father had had a change of heart and feelings, even though he hasn't talked to his father, and how I knew that my son had also had a change of heart a couple of days ago. I call this psychosis talk. When he thinks that he has the ability or the right to telepathically read and/or manipulate other people's feelings. It's hard to have these conversations with him sometimes. Yes I'm aware my son had a 'change of heart' as he was taken off the Adderall and decided that he didn't want to have a 'break' anymore. However my son doesn't like it when I bluntly make these comments. My version of the truth doesn't set to well with him when he is not stable. I ended up telling him to find his own way home then since I wasn't going to ask my hubby to come home then go back out again and that I couldn't have this conversation with him right now, that I loved him and good-bye. I hung up. He found his own way home later that night.

His friend called this morning to talk to him before we leave. Somehow my son got the idea that we were leaving this morning. I guess he misheard me when I stated that I hoped it would rain so that my hubby didn't have to work and we could leave earlier. It didn't rain, so hubby is working. I told his friend that he was sleeping as he had stayed up all night and didn't go to bed until after 5 this morning. I commented that my son still was not doing so well. His friend told me that he had noticed and that my son seemed to be in his own world most of the time that he was there and didn't even spend much time on his laptop. If you knew my son then you would know that that is not a good sign. They had spend most of the time watching movies. So what was the draw to my son wanting to hang out there longer? He can watch movies and be in his own world at home. No disrespect to their friendship but I'm betting that the lure of marijuana played it's part. It seems that his friend is actually trying to go clean and stay off the marijuana however his brother is not and recently I have noticed that my son is wanting to cultivate a friendship with the brother. Coincidence? I don't think so. My son has been telling me that they are going to be going to the gym together. I don't know the brother however him spending time at the gym is not something I have heard of him doing up until now. My son knows what I want to hear. If the thought of him going to the gym would make me more lenient or ask less questions about the friendship than I have no doubt that my son would perhaps elaborate on the actual facts. On a side note I must say that his friend when he is not drinking all the time or smoking marijuana is actually a pretty decent guy. In his own way he tries to watch over my son.

Hubby recently texted me and asked if my son was up. I sometimes wonder about how strongly that motherly instinct to defend my son can rear it's head in me. I simply replied with no. Much better then the thought of replying with: Of course not. You know that he is still not doing good. You know that he was up all night. You know that he needs his sleep so that his brain can heal... All true but my hubby doesn't think like that and tends to not think of the bigger picture. He just sees that it is now afternoon and my son is still sleeping. I'm happy my son is sleeping. If I hear him snoring that I know that he is in a deep sleep and that makes me feel better. My hubby's snoring on the other hand makes me want to grab a frying pan. Go figure! I'm hoping that he will sleep most of the day. He didn't take his meds until after 5 this morning. When I suggested it was time to go to bed he replied that he needed his meds. They were on the coffee table where he told me to put them the night before. Yet another sign that he is still not firmly in this reality. The overflowing ashtray wasn't reassuring either.

I think I have pretty much everything in order for leaving. Except for packing which I will be starting soon, after I do a load of laundry. Still have some juggling do to on finances. I realized this morning that our car insurance payment bounced. Yippee! I called to fix it but they haven't been notified by the bank yet so they can't do anything yet. Advised to make sure I have enough in the account to cover for when they try to resubmit it which could be anytime in the next 3 weeks. As long as we aren't on the other side of Canada with no insurance in two weeks. As much as hubby and I are looking forward to this, our first vacation together, financially it is going to makes it's dent. Between gas, food and lodging I'm thinking about 3-4000. Then there's the missing income of another 3000. Add that to our current debt of about 15000. Ok enough of the doom and gloom. We will figure it out when the times comes.

I tried on 4 dresses and sent pics to my daughter to see which one she would like me to wear to her graduation.

She likes the one on the very left with the buttons. This one used to belong to my mother and my daughter now wants it. Family airloom! (Her spelling) I will give it to her after the grad. I will pack that one and the one on the far right as there is also a parent brunch the next day. Maybe the red one too. Pulled out my hubby's khakis and they fit! All this nagging on him about what he eats is paying off after all ;) Picked out some jewelry which I probably won't wear. I consider myself pretty understated when it comes to accessories and such. I haven't had make-up on in I don't know how long. I guess I should pack what I do have. I realized that I have thrown out all of my heels. I just don't wear then anymore. Luckily I found a pair that was my daughters, that fit me and will go with 2 of the dresses. I guess I should pull out hubby's dress shoes and give them a shinning. My son's too. Guess I'm not as organized as I thought I was. (Pulls out the shoes and puts on the load of laundry)

I was just looking at my printout of my son's medical information that I keep on hand for emergency purposes. Main notes that I can hand to medical personal if needed. I should update it and print a copy for the road and for his father's house where he will be staying. Just in case. I sometimes forget and get complacent when things have been going good. I forget that just in case is an every day possibility and not an after thought. The suitcases aren't going to pack themselves no matter who much I wish they would. Sometimes I wish I could live in my son's reality ;)

Mom
BarbieBF