Logically I know that my last blog post highlighting the good didn't actually jinx things. Still it feels like schizophrenia is somewhere saying: na-na, na-na, boo-boo... I'm better then you. I got your son... (again)
By Tuesday morning the negative symptoms were obvious. His case worker dropped by with something for my son to sign so she could help straighten out the disability thing. She commented on how 'flat' he was. One word answers. No expression.
I guess it took a week for the Olanzapine to come completely out of his system.
For a couple of days I was managing to get some vitamins in him although it was hit or miss on which ones. One day he took his multi-vitamins. The next day the B50. Another day the omega-3 because he thinks the multi-vitamin is giving him energy. Now he is not taking any of them.
He has been eating dinners as I have been trying to make things that I know he likes and is healthy to keep him eating. He is not eating outside of that.
His sleeping is all over the place, when he does sleep. He won't take his Melatonin for some reason. This kind-of sucks because the Melatonin we take has 5-HTP and L-Theanin which can help him.
Friday I actually left him home alone for the most of the day. After being up all night and the previous two days he had finally gone to sleep. It was a busy day for hubby and I. Hubby had two doctors appointments and each of them were over an hour. We had car parts to get. Also Friday was the last day of my hubby's interlock condition on his license! If you don't know what this is then it's a device that is put in your car to make sure there is no drinking and driving. He is finally free of it! So we had to go to the license place and we had to go have the device removed from the car which was another hour long appointment. I must say that although a long and tiring day, it was good to be out of the house doing 'normal' stuff. My son's case worker stopped by to check on him since I wasn't home.
Hubby walked away from the doctor's appointments with a ton of medications ;) He has been coughing up some green/black stuff and green is usually a sign of infection so he got antibiotics for that. He also got something for his back. While I'm all for chiropractor first... He was still not getting much relief and these seem to be helping his back to relax. Which should help his next adjustment go even better.
My son was up when we returned, playing online. This was the last time he played online that I'm aware of. I was worried that he might not be ok if he woke up and I wasn't here but he seemed ok. Said he didn't call because his phone was dead but that he was charging it. He did answer the door to his case worker.
Saturday we took him with us to help out my hubby's son with an errand.
Yesterday he decided not to go grocery shopping with us. This doesn't happen very often. He really likes to go but I'm guessing even doing that is becoming too much for him at this point. Yesterday was also his Dad's birthday. I brought it up once but I didn't bring it up again because I know he can't process it right now.
Tuesday his case worker told me that he has a new nurse coming on board. His case worker has been seeing him almost every week however I do believe this is supposed to be a nurse making the weekly house calls. His from awhile ago is on maternity leave. So his new nurse dropped by today. He seemed nice and my son seemed to be ok with him.
I actually took myself to the basement for a cigarette while he was here to give them a chance to talk as I know I have a tendency to interrupt... I think I did pretty good and only interrupted a couple of times ;) It was easy to tell that participating in the conversation was a struggle for my son. I'm surprised he managed to ignore the voices as well as he did. His nurse commented that his answers where pretty short and one worded... Yes that's all he is capable of right now. Actually this was the most he has spoken in days. It can take several times asking just to get an answer on what type of tea he wants after dinner. Not that he drinks it but I keep hoping that he will and take the supplements I keep putting out.
I walked out with the nurse and filled in some of the blanks and corrected some things. Like I told him, I don't know if it's my son being delusional or if he just knows what to say. He doesn't give accurate information on questions about sleeping, eating or activities. He told his nurse that he went to bed at 11 last night. I think this is because he has been told that it's a good bed time. He went to bed at 2 when I got up and had him go. He was wide awake at 5 when I got up. He didn't sleep. Same with eating. He says he has been eating good. Dinner only for most of the week now. He says he has been playing his games. He hasn't since Friday. He says that he has no voices. I told his nurse we call them entities. They started becoming obvious last Monday.
His smoking is up and down. His fingers are brown, I noticed last night. He may go awhile without but then will smoke sometimes three in a row. That seems to be lessening today. So while smoking a lot is not a good sign, smoking less is an even worse sign. When he is smoking a lot he is stressed. When he isn't smoking much than he has gone further into his head. He has actually been smoking the cigarettes that he didn't want (we couldn't return them, we tried) and not even complaining about them which isn't like him.
After several days of me nicely hinting, my hubby actually managed to suggest and get him into a bath on Thursday. I think he has been in the same clothes ever since. Will have to try and get him in clean clothes today after he wakes up. I'm pretty sure he is sleeping now. He had a short snooze yesterday but other then that has been awake since possibly Friday around noon. It's hard to tell sometimes. He will go to bed when I prompt him but that doesn't mean he is sleeping.
His nurse set up an appointment with his psychiatrist for tomorrow morning. That's an appointment that has been long overdue. We certainly need to do discuss his medications and how to proceed. I know I have been hesitant about upping his Invega due to possible lose of his libido however that doesn't seem to be happening right now anyways and honestly it's not something we need happening right now as when he is like this he can have no sense of keeping it private.
ADAPT called me this morning. She apologized for taking so long to get back to me. I let her know that my son seems to relapses so we set up a tentative follow up appointment in two weeks. She also gave me some information on the next family event that deals with concurrent disorders, mental illness and addiction, and who to contact to register. I have actually met the lady that I am to contact. We meet through the early intervention program my son was in before PACT. I have also talked to her at an event I attended through the Schizophrenia Society of Ontario.
I'm off. Gucci is demanding some petting time and the homemade beef jerky I made is calling my name...
Mom
BarbieBF
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Showing posts with label Sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sleep. Show all posts
Monday, April 27, 2015
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Pretty good weekend
The weekend went pretty good. Friday was a good day. My son wanted McDonald's for dinner and wanted to go grocery shopping so he had a shower. Even brushed his teeth without me saying anything. I was brushing mine and he came into the bathroom with me and did his. I'm glad that some of my previous expectations have not gotten forgotten. Going out in public with me requires minimal personal hygiene when he is capable.
He did go see his friend on Friday... He had no idea that his friend was across the hall until someone started yelling his name from outside as no one was answering the buzzer. I guess the concept of no one being available or awake didn't mean anything. So my son heard and of course quickly went to investigate. Thankfully he only visited for about 10-15 minutes before coming back home.
Slowly my son has been getting back into using the laptop. It was good to see him actually playing some games on it although he doesn't seem to be able to keep it up for long periods. The downside to this of course was the inevitable (unavoidable) requests for me to purchase gaming subscriptions for him. My answer was no as I had warned him when he decided to spend the last of his money on alcohol that my answer would be no. This resulted in a phone call to his Nana for money and of course some attitude regarding how much money I was going to be taking from his disability payments. I told him that disability is not paying him for entertainment purposes then reminded myself that I don't intend to be a part of these types of conversations if I can help it, so went outside for a smoke so that I wouldn't be a part of it.
I did end up paying for his Trazodone as he needs it for sleep and I know that it can also help with some of his restlessness during the day. Thankfully it is one of the cheaper ones and only cost me $13.24 and so far he has been taking it without any complaints. He did miss his Lithium one day and the following day stated that he felt depressed so I reminded him that he had missed his Lithium and this may be the cause.
He has been up and down over the weekend. Some periods he seems ok and other times the psychosis is showing itself. Yesterday, Monday, was an off day as the voices were back and he spent a fair amount of the day seemingly wondering aimlessly around the apartment. Not getting enough sleep may have contributed to this as my husband was home from work so we took advantage of this to take an early trip to the disability office to find out what was happening with his file. Of course his worker was off! His file is still on hold which means a drug benefit card can't be issued. We did write a note where my son consented to me having access to talk to his worker and also letting disability know to release the room and board portion of his payments to me as I reminded my son that he had given his word that he would do this. I also had them take a copy of his disability payment from British Columbia and the receptionist noted that his last payment was for December which will probably affect his file and may affect his ability to get drug benefits as well. I was already aware this would probably happen and this is why I wanted them to have a copy of his last payment. I would rather deal with it now then have my son face any type of fraud charges later for not disclosing this information. We will have to contact British Columbia today to get his file out there closed. I let the receptionist know that I had held off doing this in case I could use his medical coverage from out there, here and she said no it doesn't work that way. *fingers crossed* I hear something back from his worker today.
After the disability office we took a drive as my husband needed to get something on the car looked at then we got Tim Horton's and brought my son back home while my husband and I finished Christmas shopping for my daughter. I also got my son a new pair of track pants since he only had the one pair and a new scarf and toque (hat) set. We also got him some Jamaican patties, pizza pockets and stuff to make breakfast sandwiches since going to Tim Horton's and McDonald's will not be regular occurrences like before. I had my son pick from the presents that I got for his sister, the ones that he would like to be from him and got the parcels sent out to my daughter.
Like I said yesterday was an off day. Voices or entities were obvious and he laughed at/with them a fair amount. They were discussing soul sanctums... Trying to understand what is so funny about these conversations is not easy as to me as I don't get what is so funny about soul sanctums. Still I guess if being in psychosis is anything like being high (both are too much dopamine) and having been high myself, yes things like this can appear to be funny at the time. I asked if the voices felt that were he is now is safe as a sanctum is a safe place and he said: yes.. no.. yes I think so. I told him to tell them thank you if they felt that our home was a safe place as I want him to feel safe here.
He's been taking a multi-vitamin everyday, knock on wood! It seems every time I blog about my son doing something that is good and healthy, something happens or he happens to interfere with that so hopefully I didn't jinx it! ;) The Omega 3's he is resisting, saying that they make him feel sick.
I have been trying to get him into bed at reasonable hours however I'm not having to much luck with that. It depends on when I wake up in the night. Sometimes it's 3, sometimes it's 5. One night he ended up sleeping on the small sofa as my hubby was sleeping on the big one as his sleep apnea and restless leg were driving us both nuts! Last night I managed to wake up and get him to bed by 2:30. It's now 12:37 pm and he is still sleeping. I asked him if the extra comforter on his bed has helped and he said yes.
The mess that I ended up cleaning up at 2:30 this morning so that my husband would have room on the counter to make his lunch didn't make me happy. Will have to find some way to approach this as really my husband shouldn't have to clean up the kitchen at 5 in the morning to make his lunch.
I have some cleaning to do...
Mom
BarbieBF
He did go see his friend on Friday... He had no idea that his friend was across the hall until someone started yelling his name from outside as no one was answering the buzzer. I guess the concept of no one being available or awake didn't mean anything. So my son heard and of course quickly went to investigate. Thankfully he only visited for about 10-15 minutes before coming back home.
Slowly my son has been getting back into using the laptop. It was good to see him actually playing some games on it although he doesn't seem to be able to keep it up for long periods. The downside to this of course was the inevitable (unavoidable) requests for me to purchase gaming subscriptions for him. My answer was no as I had warned him when he decided to spend the last of his money on alcohol that my answer would be no. This resulted in a phone call to his Nana for money and of course some attitude regarding how much money I was going to be taking from his disability payments. I told him that disability is not paying him for entertainment purposes then reminded myself that I don't intend to be a part of these types of conversations if I can help it, so went outside for a smoke so that I wouldn't be a part of it.
I did end up paying for his Trazodone as he needs it for sleep and I know that it can also help with some of his restlessness during the day. Thankfully it is one of the cheaper ones and only cost me $13.24 and so far he has been taking it without any complaints. He did miss his Lithium one day and the following day stated that he felt depressed so I reminded him that he had missed his Lithium and this may be the cause.
He has been up and down over the weekend. Some periods he seems ok and other times the psychosis is showing itself. Yesterday, Monday, was an off day as the voices were back and he spent a fair amount of the day seemingly wondering aimlessly around the apartment. Not getting enough sleep may have contributed to this as my husband was home from work so we took advantage of this to take an early trip to the disability office to find out what was happening with his file. Of course his worker was off! His file is still on hold which means a drug benefit card can't be issued. We did write a note where my son consented to me having access to talk to his worker and also letting disability know to release the room and board portion of his payments to me as I reminded my son that he had given his word that he would do this. I also had them take a copy of his disability payment from British Columbia and the receptionist noted that his last payment was for December which will probably affect his file and may affect his ability to get drug benefits as well. I was already aware this would probably happen and this is why I wanted them to have a copy of his last payment. I would rather deal with it now then have my son face any type of fraud charges later for not disclosing this information. We will have to contact British Columbia today to get his file out there closed. I let the receptionist know that I had held off doing this in case I could use his medical coverage from out there, here and she said no it doesn't work that way. *fingers crossed* I hear something back from his worker today.
After the disability office we took a drive as my husband needed to get something on the car looked at then we got Tim Horton's and brought my son back home while my husband and I finished Christmas shopping for my daughter. I also got my son a new pair of track pants since he only had the one pair and a new scarf and toque (hat) set. We also got him some Jamaican patties, pizza pockets and stuff to make breakfast sandwiches since going to Tim Horton's and McDonald's will not be regular occurrences like before. I had my son pick from the presents that I got for his sister, the ones that he would like to be from him and got the parcels sent out to my daughter.
Like I said yesterday was an off day. Voices or entities were obvious and he laughed at/with them a fair amount. They were discussing soul sanctums... Trying to understand what is so funny about these conversations is not easy as to me as I don't get what is so funny about soul sanctums. Still I guess if being in psychosis is anything like being high (both are too much dopamine) and having been high myself, yes things like this can appear to be funny at the time. I asked if the voices felt that were he is now is safe as a sanctum is a safe place and he said: yes.. no.. yes I think so. I told him to tell them thank you if they felt that our home was a safe place as I want him to feel safe here.
He's been taking a multi-vitamin everyday, knock on wood! It seems every time I blog about my son doing something that is good and healthy, something happens or he happens to interfere with that so hopefully I didn't jinx it! ;) The Omega 3's he is resisting, saying that they make him feel sick.
I have been trying to get him into bed at reasonable hours however I'm not having to much luck with that. It depends on when I wake up in the night. Sometimes it's 3, sometimes it's 5. One night he ended up sleeping on the small sofa as my hubby was sleeping on the big one as his sleep apnea and restless leg were driving us both nuts! Last night I managed to wake up and get him to bed by 2:30. It's now 12:37 pm and he is still sleeping. I asked him if the extra comforter on his bed has helped and he said yes.
The mess that I ended up cleaning up at 2:30 this morning so that my husband would have room on the counter to make his lunch didn't make me happy. Will have to find some way to approach this as really my husband shouldn't have to clean up the kitchen at 5 in the morning to make his lunch.
I have some cleaning to do...
Mom
BarbieBF
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Here we go again... It's just geography.
My son keeps talking about wanting to move. Move to a place that is warmer. Move to a place where we live in a hut. Move to a place where he can just sit in the sand. The problem is that there is no moving away from yourself or schizophrenia. The issues or uncomfortable feelings that are motivating this thought is coming from within and will go with... They will follow you anywhere on this earth or beyond if they are not faced and dealt with. I wish he could run from schizophrenia but he can't. It's getting better but you can see it when you watch my son. When he is walking or sitting and you can tell that he just isn't comfortable within his own skin or body. He is unsure of how to stand, unsure of how to sit or where to put his arms. When he says things like: It appears to be cold out here. It appears... He can't tell for sure or interpret what his own body is telling him. I will watch him walk around the apartment and ask him if he is confused or lost and first he says no then says yes that he is confused. I tell him that it's ok to be lost and confused because it is. It happens to us all sometimes.
He decided to spend the last of his money on a small bottle of fireball whiskey last night. I can't stop him from buying it or drinking it, I can only keep the boundaries in place that he can't have or drink it in the apartment and he didn't. He doesn't want to acknowledge that it may trigger some psychosis symptoms. We will see how the voices are today. He denied having them yesterday however I told him that I know better and can tell that he does. He said he isn't talking to them. No but he is listening because sometimes he 'answers me' when I haven't said anything. Really I take this as a good sign that the voices are becoming less distinct if he can't tell the difference between them or me talking.
Some of the old attitudes seem to be coming back. Oh joy! When I tried talking to him about the fact that he may end up back in the hospital if he goes to far with the alcohol, I got told not to bring up the hospital again with attitude and a totally defiant look on his face. He really doesn't like it when I'm matter of fact about things... It's going to make it hard to form any type of partnership with him about keeping him out of the hospital if he is going to be defiant about me bringing it up. He probably doesn't want to form a partnership with me. In fact I'm pretty sure he would much rather keep me as his scapegoat instead of looking at the real reasons why he feels the way that he does. Schizophrenia.
Last night he fell asleep on the sofa and I had him go to bed around 10. I woke up at 1 to him up saying that he couldn't go to sleep even on the sofa. No of course not. I'm sure the alcohol and his psychosis was having fun with his brain. I guess my tone was too strict when I told him to go to bed as I got told not to yell at him. He said his bed wasn't comfortable and neither was the sofa that it was 'this place'. He can blame geography all he wants but when those feelings of being uncomfortable is coming from within then it wouldn't have mattered if he was sitting outside a hut in the sand... He still wouldn't be comfortable. I went into his room and tucked him in, kissed his head and told him that I was sorry for yelling at him. He said it was ok. I left the bathroom light on for him as I know he prefers that. Well it's almost 12 noon and he is still sleeping :) I'm thinking about putting an extra quilt on his bed for him to lie on so that it feels more softer or cuddly. Maybe it will help?
I'm afraid I'm a little out of practice on walking on eggshells. Really I'm not sure that doing so is even the best thing for him. I can't pretend like he doesn't have schizophrenia. I can't pretend like psychosis and another hospital stay could be just around the corner. Should I because schizophrenia is causing him to not be able to deal with life on it's simplest terms? It's a catch 22. Stress triggers but he can't handle stress because he is already triggered. I guess I need to get back to some basics. Simple yes or no answers and think/breathe before speaking or responding. Ahhh the good old days!
I had trouble getting him to take his Lithium last night. Lots of nicely stated reminders yet he just quietly refused as he does... Drinking his fireball whiskey was the priority and in the past he gets sick when he drinks and takes his medications. I let him know that it was most likely the Clozapine that caused this and not the low dose of Lithium that he is currently taking. Only 300 mg. He finally toke it. Other then the first night he has also backed off with the supplements. The night before he only toke one of the two Omega 3's and last night he wouldn't take any. He puts up his own walls on doing anything that will help to get him better. I don't know if this is part of the ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) that I think he has or part of schizophrenia, lack of insight. Perhaps a combination.
Mayo Clinic - Oppositional Defiant Disorder
So I'm back to adding lots of cilantro to our food when cooking. Click on cilantro to go to it's nutritional value. I will have to bring back the green and spinach salads as well. While I don't believe that diet can 'cure' schizophrenia, I do believe that it can help to minimize some symptoms. Now how to convince my son of that when he gets defiant and doesn't want me discussing his schizophrenia?
I have some refresher reading to do...
Food For The Brain
Called the pharmacy to see if they had received a drug benefit card from ODSP. Not yet. Called ODSP and of course couldn't get through as their phone system is still messed up. Called PACT and let his case worker know so she can follow up with ODSP.
My son finally woke up just before 2:30. Hacked up a storm. Nice! I thought he was being sick but no... Then went back to bed.
Mom
BarbieBF
He decided to spend the last of his money on a small bottle of fireball whiskey last night. I can't stop him from buying it or drinking it, I can only keep the boundaries in place that he can't have or drink it in the apartment and he didn't. He doesn't want to acknowledge that it may trigger some psychosis symptoms. We will see how the voices are today. He denied having them yesterday however I told him that I know better and can tell that he does. He said he isn't talking to them. No but he is listening because sometimes he 'answers me' when I haven't said anything. Really I take this as a good sign that the voices are becoming less distinct if he can't tell the difference between them or me talking.
Some of the old attitudes seem to be coming back. Oh joy! When I tried talking to him about the fact that he may end up back in the hospital if he goes to far with the alcohol, I got told not to bring up the hospital again with attitude and a totally defiant look on his face. He really doesn't like it when I'm matter of fact about things... It's going to make it hard to form any type of partnership with him about keeping him out of the hospital if he is going to be defiant about me bringing it up. He probably doesn't want to form a partnership with me. In fact I'm pretty sure he would much rather keep me as his scapegoat instead of looking at the real reasons why he feels the way that he does. Schizophrenia.
Last night he fell asleep on the sofa and I had him go to bed around 10. I woke up at 1 to him up saying that he couldn't go to sleep even on the sofa. No of course not. I'm sure the alcohol and his psychosis was having fun with his brain. I guess my tone was too strict when I told him to go to bed as I got told not to yell at him. He said his bed wasn't comfortable and neither was the sofa that it was 'this place'. He can blame geography all he wants but when those feelings of being uncomfortable is coming from within then it wouldn't have mattered if he was sitting outside a hut in the sand... He still wouldn't be comfortable. I went into his room and tucked him in, kissed his head and told him that I was sorry for yelling at him. He said it was ok. I left the bathroom light on for him as I know he prefers that. Well it's almost 12 noon and he is still sleeping :) I'm thinking about putting an extra quilt on his bed for him to lie on so that it feels more softer or cuddly. Maybe it will help?
I'm afraid I'm a little out of practice on walking on eggshells. Really I'm not sure that doing so is even the best thing for him. I can't pretend like he doesn't have schizophrenia. I can't pretend like psychosis and another hospital stay could be just around the corner. Should I because schizophrenia is causing him to not be able to deal with life on it's simplest terms? It's a catch 22. Stress triggers but he can't handle stress because he is already triggered. I guess I need to get back to some basics. Simple yes or no answers and think/breathe before speaking or responding. Ahhh the good old days!
I had trouble getting him to take his Lithium last night. Lots of nicely stated reminders yet he just quietly refused as he does... Drinking his fireball whiskey was the priority and in the past he gets sick when he drinks and takes his medications. I let him know that it was most likely the Clozapine that caused this and not the low dose of Lithium that he is currently taking. Only 300 mg. He finally toke it. Other then the first night he has also backed off with the supplements. The night before he only toke one of the two Omega 3's and last night he wouldn't take any. He puts up his own walls on doing anything that will help to get him better. I don't know if this is part of the ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) that I think he has or part of schizophrenia, lack of insight. Perhaps a combination.
Mayo Clinic - Oppositional Defiant Disorder
So I'm back to adding lots of cilantro to our food when cooking. Click on cilantro to go to it's nutritional value. I will have to bring back the green and spinach salads as well. While I don't believe that diet can 'cure' schizophrenia, I do believe that it can help to minimize some symptoms. Now how to convince my son of that when he gets defiant and doesn't want me discussing his schizophrenia?
I have some refresher reading to do...
Food For The Brain
Called the pharmacy to see if they had received a drug benefit card from ODSP. Not yet. Called ODSP and of course couldn't get through as their phone system is still messed up. Called PACT and let his case worker know so she can follow up with ODSP.
My son finally woke up just before 2:30. Hacked up a storm. Nice! I thought he was being sick but no... Then went back to bed.
Mom
BarbieBF
Monday, November 24, 2014
You're real?!
Friday was the first time I had seen my son since September and obviously since his last full psychotic break. This break has a different feel about it then the one I saw him go through September of last year. A lot of it is the same of course however I don't recall the disorganization and word salad. I find myself having to ask him what certain words mean and once he describes it then I fill in the appropriate word. On the plane ride home he was tapping the tray and arm rest with a knuckle. When I asked him why he said he was testing the bandwidth of the carriage. I asked if he meant the density of the airplane and he said yes. Once he told me I was his limbo which meant I was like his left arm.
I didn't realize just how much he was still in psychosis until we were in the cafeteria at the hospital and he asked me how to tell if something was real or not. I asked him he was unsure about being in the cafeteria and he said yes and was concerned that the cafeteria would be scary to me. I can only guess at what he must have been seeing or hallucinating to think I would find it scary. He had denied hearing voices with the hospital psychiatrist however he knew better. I usually refer to them as entities as voices to me just don't give them justice. They are not just the sound of a voice. Clearly these entities were with us in the cafeteria so I told my son to not be afraid to try some reality checking by walking up to and touching what he is seeing to see if they are real. I toke his hand and had him touch my shoulder and after a couple of seconds he squeezed my shoulder and either asked or stated: You are real?!. Yes hun I'm real. Then I had him do the same with his sister so that he could know that we were both really there. It was sad to think that up until then he must have questioned that he was walking and talking with hallucinations. The severity of how sick he was struck me at that instance.
I questioned if I should have had him released when I did and I very much question if he should be out of the hospital yet. He is still too unstable. He wrote some notes on the plane and his thoughts are messed up. Some are good however the others are about sex and weapons. He actually asked me if he could have a gun... I added to his notes by changing his good thought of having a 'somewhat health life' to a 'very healthy life' and adding love, hope, family and that I love him very much. He seemed to like this. He did spend some time playing Mahjong, a matching tile game, on my phone for a bit. I was impressed to see that he could multitask to a certain degree. He still matched tiles even while he was laughing at his voices or intrusive thoughts :) I did ask him what they (voices) thought about me or if they had anything to say about me and apparently not so that is a good thing. I tried a couple of times to ask what was so funny that they must be saying something fairly funny however he couldn't or wouldn't tell me other then one comment about a dog's penis... Not sure I want to know more then that. He seems to have a fascination with animals during these times and not in a good way.
I did call disability again and left a message that he is here. I just called the pharmacy here to find out if they can bill another province for medications and was told 'sometimes it works'. I was really hoping for a yes as I'm hoping to get a sleep aide prescribed since getting him to bed last night was pretty much a no go and he needs his sleep to recover.
I have talked to his case worker at PACT today and she has already set up an appointment for his psychiatrist to come see him tomorrow. I have to talk to him about the amount of Invega he is on as 75 mg seems low to me. I also have to talk to him about putting my son on a Community Treatment Order (CTO) for medications. Hopefully the number of hospitalizations, now 8 of them, will be enough to have one put into place. I forgot to ask his case worker if she had prepared any releases for him to sign. Maybe PACT can have better luck getting disability to respond if they have a release signed. I think the psychiatrist will assess if my son needs to be hospitalized or not. He was left on Lithium as the psychiatrist was concerned there may be a mood component and didn't want to take any chances. I'm guessing that means he could be schizoaffective?
We got home around 1:30 last night... I had hoped that I would get him to bed at a reasonable time. Nope! Having the laptop and PSP4 set up was the first priority. Then it was the TV blaring at around 5 AM as he was watching Constantine. He said after that episode. Then it was calling Nana. Then it was not being able to sleep. Then I was being woken up as he wanted his bank card, then his glasses cause he was playing his PSP... I think he finally went to sleep after my husband left for work. Not sure how to fix this as this can't keep happening, him getting his nights and days mixed up, as it can contribute to psychosis.
It's 2:50 PM and my son just got up! I was thinking I would have to drag him out of bed if I wanted him sleeping tonight. Now that he is up I will put away his cloths.
Mom
BarbieBF
I didn't realize just how much he was still in psychosis until we were in the cafeteria at the hospital and he asked me how to tell if something was real or not. I asked him he was unsure about being in the cafeteria and he said yes and was concerned that the cafeteria would be scary to me. I can only guess at what he must have been seeing or hallucinating to think I would find it scary. He had denied hearing voices with the hospital psychiatrist however he knew better. I usually refer to them as entities as voices to me just don't give them justice. They are not just the sound of a voice. Clearly these entities were with us in the cafeteria so I told my son to not be afraid to try some reality checking by walking up to and touching what he is seeing to see if they are real. I toke his hand and had him touch my shoulder and after a couple of seconds he squeezed my shoulder and either asked or stated: You are real?!. Yes hun I'm real. Then I had him do the same with his sister so that he could know that we were both really there. It was sad to think that up until then he must have questioned that he was walking and talking with hallucinations. The severity of how sick he was struck me at that instance.
I questioned if I should have had him released when I did and I very much question if he should be out of the hospital yet. He is still too unstable. He wrote some notes on the plane and his thoughts are messed up. Some are good however the others are about sex and weapons. He actually asked me if he could have a gun... I added to his notes by changing his good thought of having a 'somewhat health life' to a 'very healthy life' and adding love, hope, family and that I love him very much. He seemed to like this. He did spend some time playing Mahjong, a matching tile game, on my phone for a bit. I was impressed to see that he could multitask to a certain degree. He still matched tiles even while he was laughing at his voices or intrusive thoughts :) I did ask him what they (voices) thought about me or if they had anything to say about me and apparently not so that is a good thing. I tried a couple of times to ask what was so funny that they must be saying something fairly funny however he couldn't or wouldn't tell me other then one comment about a dog's penis... Not sure I want to know more then that. He seems to have a fascination with animals during these times and not in a good way.
I did call disability again and left a message that he is here. I just called the pharmacy here to find out if they can bill another province for medications and was told 'sometimes it works'. I was really hoping for a yes as I'm hoping to get a sleep aide prescribed since getting him to bed last night was pretty much a no go and he needs his sleep to recover.
I have talked to his case worker at PACT today and she has already set up an appointment for his psychiatrist to come see him tomorrow. I have to talk to him about the amount of Invega he is on as 75 mg seems low to me. I also have to talk to him about putting my son on a Community Treatment Order (CTO) for medications. Hopefully the number of hospitalizations, now 8 of them, will be enough to have one put into place. I forgot to ask his case worker if she had prepared any releases for him to sign. Maybe PACT can have better luck getting disability to respond if they have a release signed. I think the psychiatrist will assess if my son needs to be hospitalized or not. He was left on Lithium as the psychiatrist was concerned there may be a mood component and didn't want to take any chances. I'm guessing that means he could be schizoaffective?
We got home around 1:30 last night... I had hoped that I would get him to bed at a reasonable time. Nope! Having the laptop and PSP4 set up was the first priority. Then it was the TV blaring at around 5 AM as he was watching Constantine. He said after that episode. Then it was calling Nana. Then it was not being able to sleep. Then I was being woken up as he wanted his bank card, then his glasses cause he was playing his PSP... I think he finally went to sleep after my husband left for work. Not sure how to fix this as this can't keep happening, him getting his nights and days mixed up, as it can contribute to psychosis.
It's 2:50 PM and my son just got up! I was thinking I would have to drag him out of bed if I wanted him sleeping tonight. Now that he is up I will put away his cloths.
Mom
BarbieBF
Friday, August 22, 2014
Hurry up and wait game
I know someone who uses this phrase a lot and in this case it certainly fits. I feel like I'm playing a game of hurry up and wait. Wait to see if he is going to pull himself out of it or wait for the break. Either way I wish that it would hurry up and happen one way or the other. I think I have said this before! Deja vu!
This morning was another morning of him stating that he must have insomnia because he took his pills but couldn't sleep. He hadn't taken his pills. His confusion on this is not getting any better as I believe that he really did think that he had taken them. He did take them, his Clozapine and Lithium, and within 45 minutes went to bed after being up again for 19 hours. In the meantime I was listening to more laughing for no apparent reason. The laughing has been back since the 19th. He is explaining it away as a stress reliever and that he is laughing at stupid mental pictures. More animals although this time no mention of cow udders (it's ok I smiled too!) which is what he found so amusing the last time this happened. I think it's sheep this time. At this point I'm unsure if he is experiencing voices or not, although he says that he isn't. Of course I believe him... not. Voices are part of what got him admitted last time.
Turns out it was the Seroquel that made him feel like crying. Not the Trazodone. Something else he was confused about which is not like him. He is usually pretty on top of the names of his medications. I woke up one morning to my knife sharpener missing. I know he has a fascination with his switch blade and pocket knives but I put them all away. He asked me about them yesterday and I told him that I put them away. I haven't thrown them out and he can have them back but with him feeling suicidal I didn't feel comfortable with him having them in his room. The morning we took him to the hospital he had stated that he might as well slit his wrists if he has to be on pills for the rest of his life. He didn't deny feeling suicidal...
His case worker was here yesterday. He didn't remember meeting her on the 18th. His psychiatrist decided not to come see him because if the hospital would not admit him then there probably isn't too much that he can do except to have his case worker try to talk him into going back on the Invega. He is still refusing even though she tried to explain to him that if he wants to obtain his goals of moving out and being on his own than he needs to be more alert and functioning. She did comment that he seemed more alert. I don't think it's a good alert, I think it's more along the lines of his mind raising. She had to repeat a lot of what she was saying because he would stop focusing on her. Then it was like he would come back to seeing or focusing on her. While he may not have any overt signs of voices I do believe that they are there.
The lady from Ready4Life dropped off two applications today for group homes. One of them may have an opening coming up around September. So far we are all in agreement that this is probably the best choice for him. He wants his own place but he can't take care of himself and is unable to see that. He will have his own room and be expected to help and participate with chores and participate in daily activities. It has 24/7 onsite support staff and the majority of their clients are between the ages of 20-30 and 60% male. They also charge on a sliding scale so he can afford it. They will help teach him life skills. He didn't seem to impressed when I told him about the chores. I reminded him that he says that he is capable of doing them so it shouldn't be a problem. He also showed some resistance to the idea that they may oversee his medications. His case worker explained that it is nothing personal, they are just doing their jobs, which seemed to ease his defiance a little bit. Or he lost his focus again.
Overall he is barely maintaining be 'stable'. He is eating some. Sometimes he will have some supper but he is not eating like he normally does. Not drinking as much as he normally does. He hasn't been on his computer in days. I'm guessing he can't think or concentrate to be on it. He's been watching TV all night although I don't think he is watching it. He doesn't appear to be changing channels or turning it up to the volume that he usually watches TV at. I know because I'm usually asking him to turn it down in the middle of the night. So basically he is sitting or lying on the sofa with the TV on. I noticed this morning as well that he wasn't smoking cigarettes. When stressed he can smoke one every 15 minutes so if it has progressed to the point that he isn't smoking for extending periods then he is much to far into his own head space. I asked him last night why hasn't called his Nana yet and he said that he didn't know. Again I'm guessing that he just can't think to do it. He hasn't showered since the 12th and I don't think he has brushed his teeth since then either. He is sometimes changing his shirt. One day he did manage to groom his facial hair. I have no idea what prompted that. Ego? :) I have been reminding him to wash his bedding as it needs it. He acknowledges that it needs to be done and that it is a good idea but doesn't do it. The mom in me is having a tough time not pushing him to do these things or do it for him however doing it for him won't change the fact that this is currently where he is at. It would be like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. The band-aid won't fix it or cover it up.
His caseworker did take him to get his monthly blood work done and he did call in and refill his Lithium. She will probably take him to pick it up tomorrow although that means he only has 300 mg for tonight/tomorrow morning instead of 600 mg. I'm obviously not going to send him to a shelter like this, so that is off the table for now. For now it's just waiting... Hope that he pulls it together or has a break so that the damage being done to his brain is minimal.
Mom
BarbieBF
Knife Sharpener Guy
This morning was another morning of him stating that he must have insomnia because he took his pills but couldn't sleep. He hadn't taken his pills. His confusion on this is not getting any better as I believe that he really did think that he had taken them. He did take them, his Clozapine and Lithium, and within 45 minutes went to bed after being up again for 19 hours. In the meantime I was listening to more laughing for no apparent reason. The laughing has been back since the 19th. He is explaining it away as a stress reliever and that he is laughing at stupid mental pictures. More animals although this time no mention of cow udders (it's ok I smiled too!) which is what he found so amusing the last time this happened. I think it's sheep this time. At this point I'm unsure if he is experiencing voices or not, although he says that he isn't. Of course I believe him... not. Voices are part of what got him admitted last time.
Turns out it was the Seroquel that made him feel like crying. Not the Trazodone. Something else he was confused about which is not like him. He is usually pretty on top of the names of his medications. I woke up one morning to my knife sharpener missing. I know he has a fascination with his switch blade and pocket knives but I put them all away. He asked me about them yesterday and I told him that I put them away. I haven't thrown them out and he can have them back but with him feeling suicidal I didn't feel comfortable with him having them in his room. The morning we took him to the hospital he had stated that he might as well slit his wrists if he has to be on pills for the rest of his life. He didn't deny feeling suicidal...
His case worker was here yesterday. He didn't remember meeting her on the 18th. His psychiatrist decided not to come see him because if the hospital would not admit him then there probably isn't too much that he can do except to have his case worker try to talk him into going back on the Invega. He is still refusing even though she tried to explain to him that if he wants to obtain his goals of moving out and being on his own than he needs to be more alert and functioning. She did comment that he seemed more alert. I don't think it's a good alert, I think it's more along the lines of his mind raising. She had to repeat a lot of what she was saying because he would stop focusing on her. Then it was like he would come back to seeing or focusing on her. While he may not have any overt signs of voices I do believe that they are there.
The lady from Ready4Life dropped off two applications today for group homes. One of them may have an opening coming up around September. So far we are all in agreement that this is probably the best choice for him. He wants his own place but he can't take care of himself and is unable to see that. He will have his own room and be expected to help and participate with chores and participate in daily activities. It has 24/7 onsite support staff and the majority of their clients are between the ages of 20-30 and 60% male. They also charge on a sliding scale so he can afford it. They will help teach him life skills. He didn't seem to impressed when I told him about the chores. I reminded him that he says that he is capable of doing them so it shouldn't be a problem. He also showed some resistance to the idea that they may oversee his medications. His case worker explained that it is nothing personal, they are just doing their jobs, which seemed to ease his defiance a little bit. Or he lost his focus again.
Overall he is barely maintaining be 'stable'. He is eating some. Sometimes he will have some supper but he is not eating like he normally does. Not drinking as much as he normally does. He hasn't been on his computer in days. I'm guessing he can't think or concentrate to be on it. He's been watching TV all night although I don't think he is watching it. He doesn't appear to be changing channels or turning it up to the volume that he usually watches TV at. I know because I'm usually asking him to turn it down in the middle of the night. So basically he is sitting or lying on the sofa with the TV on. I noticed this morning as well that he wasn't smoking cigarettes. When stressed he can smoke one every 15 minutes so if it has progressed to the point that he isn't smoking for extending periods then he is much to far into his own head space. I asked him last night why hasn't called his Nana yet and he said that he didn't know. Again I'm guessing that he just can't think to do it. He hasn't showered since the 12th and I don't think he has brushed his teeth since then either. He is sometimes changing his shirt. One day he did manage to groom his facial hair. I have no idea what prompted that. Ego? :) I have been reminding him to wash his bedding as it needs it. He acknowledges that it needs to be done and that it is a good idea but doesn't do it. The mom in me is having a tough time not pushing him to do these things or do it for him however doing it for him won't change the fact that this is currently where he is at. It would be like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. The band-aid won't fix it or cover it up.
His caseworker did take him to get his monthly blood work done and he did call in and refill his Lithium. She will probably take him to pick it up tomorrow although that means he only has 300 mg for tonight/tomorrow morning instead of 600 mg. I'm obviously not going to send him to a shelter like this, so that is off the table for now. For now it's just waiting... Hope that he pulls it together or has a break so that the damage being done to his brain is minimal.
Mom
BarbieBF
Knife Sharpener Guy
Monday, August 18, 2014
Tough Love and Boundaries
My son has been off his Invega for a week now and has had about 15 hours of sleep in the past 50 hours. Hasn't eaten a proper meal since probably Wednesday or Thursday of last week. Saturday we spent 6 hours in emergency. He was sent home with a prescription for Seroquel/Quetiapine. After waiting the 6 hours in emergency for my son I got informed by the treating psychiatrist that my son didn't want them talking to me. I said that is fine but I know you can listen. Filled in some details and stated he is looking for benzos. I belief he was trying to get Ativan/Lorazepam. His reason for coming off the Invega. It makes him too alert during the day, like he needs to get up and do something like go to the gym and he doesn't want to feel like that while he is living here. So the Invega was working and doing what it is supposed to do, in my opinion. He took the Seroquel twice, got some much needed sleep, and is now saying he doesn't need it that it is a PRN. He even refuses to acknowledge that it is an anti-psychotic. Or me telling him that it is, is what is making him not take it as on Saturday he stated that he really liked how it was making him feel.
I love my son but I think I need to get out of the picture a little bit, or a lot. As long as he can continue to blame me for everything then he will never be able to see that it's schizophrenia that is causing him to feel and act like this. I did tell the nurse at the hospital that if things got any easier for him at home that I would be wiping his butt for him. And it's still not good enough for him. He wants me to be nicer. I don't even know what that means anymore. Not tell him that he needs anti-psychotics? Not expect him to clean up after himself? Not point out that things that he is saying just don't make sense? I can't see him not having another break if things keep going the way that they are. He does need his anti-psychotics and he does need more structure. Structure that I obviously can't provide as he won't accept it coming from me. His ODD is in full gear. According to him he is an adult and his treatment is none of my business.
He was up all night again last night. When I got up at 4 he stated that he had insomnia and couldn't sleep even though he had taken his pills. I checked and he hadn't taken them, they were still in his dish. All that was in there was his Lithium and Clozapine. No Invega or Seroquel. He took them but then I heard him in the bathroom coughing/gagging so I'm hoping he didn't spit them back up. I insisted that he go to his room even if he wasn't going to go to sleep. He had the living room to himself from 9 last night to 4 this morning. Now it was my turn. When I suggested he take a Trazodone for sleep he stated that that medication makes him want to cry. This is the first that I have heard this and to my knowledge it never did this. I think he is very confused.
I called his case worker this morning and she came by around 10 PM. She had some information on the shelters in the area as when I called her I told her that he needs to go. I had told him on Saturday that he can't stay here if he is not going to take his medications as prescribed or with the attitude that I not be a part of his treatment. The meeting didn't go to good. He was having a lot of trouble following what she was saying. He basically asked her to leave stating the he was too tired to talk to anyone.
So here I am at 12:44 PM and I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to help him accept what he needs to accept. Me being his mother is getting in the way of him accepting responsibility for his own life and choices. He is relying on me as mom in every way that a child would yet insisting that he's an adult. I know that it is his schizophrenia and ODD that is causing this however I can't see this changing unless his current circumstances change. Without me as a scapegoat perhaps he will be able to look at things differently. Or not. However I think it's time to find out just how sick or capable he really is. More importantly he needs to find this out for himself. Between PACT and Ready4Life he has so much support available to him.
Hopefully I will hear back from his case worker today. I know that the two shelters she called were full this morning. The shelters are not like drop in community centers or soup kitchens. They are staffed with onsite personnel that oversee his medications, have structured meal times and people available to him for support including mental health.
Mom
BarbieBF
I love my son but I think I need to get out of the picture a little bit, or a lot. As long as he can continue to blame me for everything then he will never be able to see that it's schizophrenia that is causing him to feel and act like this. I did tell the nurse at the hospital that if things got any easier for him at home that I would be wiping his butt for him. And it's still not good enough for him. He wants me to be nicer. I don't even know what that means anymore. Not tell him that he needs anti-psychotics? Not expect him to clean up after himself? Not point out that things that he is saying just don't make sense? I can't see him not having another break if things keep going the way that they are. He does need his anti-psychotics and he does need more structure. Structure that I obviously can't provide as he won't accept it coming from me. His ODD is in full gear. According to him he is an adult and his treatment is none of my business.
He was up all night again last night. When I got up at 4 he stated that he had insomnia and couldn't sleep even though he had taken his pills. I checked and he hadn't taken them, they were still in his dish. All that was in there was his Lithium and Clozapine. No Invega or Seroquel. He took them but then I heard him in the bathroom coughing/gagging so I'm hoping he didn't spit them back up. I insisted that he go to his room even if he wasn't going to go to sleep. He had the living room to himself from 9 last night to 4 this morning. Now it was my turn. When I suggested he take a Trazodone for sleep he stated that that medication makes him want to cry. This is the first that I have heard this and to my knowledge it never did this. I think he is very confused.
I called his case worker this morning and she came by around 10 PM. She had some information on the shelters in the area as when I called her I told her that he needs to go. I had told him on Saturday that he can't stay here if he is not going to take his medications as prescribed or with the attitude that I not be a part of his treatment. The meeting didn't go to good. He was having a lot of trouble following what she was saying. He basically asked her to leave stating the he was too tired to talk to anyone.
So here I am at 12:44 PM and I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to help him accept what he needs to accept. Me being his mother is getting in the way of him accepting responsibility for his own life and choices. He is relying on me as mom in every way that a child would yet insisting that he's an adult. I know that it is his schizophrenia and ODD that is causing this however I can't see this changing unless his current circumstances change. Without me as a scapegoat perhaps he will be able to look at things differently. Or not. However I think it's time to find out just how sick or capable he really is. More importantly he needs to find this out for himself. Between PACT and Ready4Life he has so much support available to him.
Hopefully I will hear back from his case worker today. I know that the two shelters she called were full this morning. The shelters are not like drop in community centers or soup kitchens. They are staffed with onsite personnel that oversee his medications, have structured meal times and people available to him for support including mental health.
Mom
BarbieBF
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Conflicted
Today I'm feeling a little conflicted. The police were at my door again last night and informed me that my downstairs neighbors are deceased. Today is the first day in awhile that I was able to leave my apartment alone and feel safe in doing so. That is a relief. It is very sad though that this relief comes at such a high price and that is two people's lives.
I'm also conflicted on how to proceed with my son. He has not been taking his medications properly. I just talked to him about the fact that I have been counting his pills and that they don't add up. He has only taken 4 Invega in the past week when there should be 7 gone. He acknowledged that he hasn't been taking them, that he doesn't need them, this after trying to tell me that he has been taking them. He may have taken 50 mg of Clozapine last night however he is supposed to be taking 150 mg. He has not taken his Lithium in 2 days. First he tried to tell me that he took his pills after waking up this morning. I counted them today after he was asleep and he hadn't woken up and the count hadn't changed from yesterday. I have been noticing that he is, again, sometimes randomly laughing or giggling out loud for no apparent reason. Great!
I just told him that he needs to wash his bedding. It smells.
I got up this morning to the coffee table a mess again.
I'm thinking that I am not in that good of a mood today. Shouldn't getting a good night sleep have the opposite affect?! I have actually slept through the night for the last two nights. I don't think that has happened in years! I'm not sure if my insomnia is finally under control or if knowing that there have been police officers around has contributed. I'm going to go with having my insomnia under control, I hope!
Should I try getting my son's treatment involved? I'm not sure it will do much good at this point. For now I will *cross my fingers and toes* and hope that he remembers or decides to take his pills tonight...
Mom
BarbieBF
I'm also conflicted on how to proceed with my son. He has not been taking his medications properly. I just talked to him about the fact that I have been counting his pills and that they don't add up. He has only taken 4 Invega in the past week when there should be 7 gone. He acknowledged that he hasn't been taking them, that he doesn't need them, this after trying to tell me that he has been taking them. He may have taken 50 mg of Clozapine last night however he is supposed to be taking 150 mg. He has not taken his Lithium in 2 days. First he tried to tell me that he took his pills after waking up this morning. I counted them today after he was asleep and he hadn't woken up and the count hadn't changed from yesterday. I have been noticing that he is, again, sometimes randomly laughing or giggling out loud for no apparent reason. Great!
I just told him that he needs to wash his bedding. It smells.
I got up this morning to the coffee table a mess again.
I'm thinking that I am not in that good of a mood today. Shouldn't getting a good night sleep have the opposite affect?! I have actually slept through the night for the last two nights. I don't think that has happened in years! I'm not sure if my insomnia is finally under control or if knowing that there have been police officers around has contributed. I'm going to go with having my insomnia under control, I hope!
Should I try getting my son's treatment involved? I'm not sure it will do much good at this point. For now I will *cross my fingers and toes* and hope that he remembers or decides to take his pills tonight...
Mom
BarbieBF
Friday, August 8, 2014
5 nights and counting
My son has not slept on the sofa for 5 nights!
His nurse was here yesterday morning. Of course my son slept through that appointment as he hasn't been going to bed until late and sleeping late. I talked to her about some steps I want to start taking in letting my son be more responsible for his own medications and treatment. I have been going to the hospital to pick up his Clozapine for him. From now on PACT will pick it up for him. He needs to start relying on them more and me less. I wrote in his day planner when he needs to call and refill his Lithium and Invega with the telephone number of the pharmacy. Just in case he is unable to follow through on this then PACT can have his prescriptions moved to another pharmacy and they can pick them up for him every month. I also talked to his nurse about helping him to stay on top of his monthly blood-work. This is also written in his day planner however he is not looking at it. I talked to my son about this yesterday letting him know what his nurse and I discussed and that the day planner isn't going to do any good if he doesn't actually use or look at it.
I have also decided to stop giving him his pills every night. I need to know if he is going to follow through and do this on his own. Being med-compliant is a lot easier when someone else is preparing them for you. I cleared off some room on his dresser and put his pills there along with his day planner. 3:30 or 4 this morning I was reminding him to take them as I guess he forgot to. I had woken up and seen him in bed so left my own bedroom door open so that I could hear if he was up and down. A sure sign that he hasn't taken his pills. I heard him get up and reminded him. He took them stating that he wondered why he couldn't sleep. Not particularly reassuring. If it wasn't for the sedating affect or the risk of insomnia I have to wonder how med-compliant he would actually be if he could sleep good without them.
His nurse asked me if I had heard from the lady from Ready4Life. I wasn't even thinking that I wouldn't since my son refused to sign a release giving me access unless an emergency. I guess she hasn't gotten back to PACT either so I don't know what is happening with that. His nurse dropped off paperwork for him to register or sign up for subsidized housing. Could my son fill it out or me help him? Not that I don't want to however PACT is supposed to be helping him with this and I really doubt that he could fill it out without help. I told my son what is was and that Ready4Life or PACT could help him. That I can help him too but that he needs to start relying on them more if he can't do it on his own.
I also tried to express my concerns with his nurse over how things would proceed if I was not around to ensure that most appointments were kept or what will happen when he is on his own. I can't say the answer was reassuring. If they have clients that receive injections or need medications administered by them then they have to keep trying to see the person however if that is not the case then appointments get missed. Like I said. Not reassuring. We did discuss moving his weekly appointment with her to another day as on Thursdays she can't see him in the afternoon and he is rarely awake at 11:30 AM. Will see how Wednesday afternoons work out. Still waiting on the new lady that started with PACT that is more family orientated. I guess she is swamped so it's taking her time to fit us in. Hopefully Monday she will finally get to met my son.
I haven't said much here about my son's Nana. I had asked that he not contact her and I guess he hasn't. I let him know yesterday that he could providing he leave me out of any conversations with her.
That's it for today ;)
Mom
BarbieBF
His nurse was here yesterday morning. Of course my son slept through that appointment as he hasn't been going to bed until late and sleeping late. I talked to her about some steps I want to start taking in letting my son be more responsible for his own medications and treatment. I have been going to the hospital to pick up his Clozapine for him. From now on PACT will pick it up for him. He needs to start relying on them more and me less. I wrote in his day planner when he needs to call and refill his Lithium and Invega with the telephone number of the pharmacy. Just in case he is unable to follow through on this then PACT can have his prescriptions moved to another pharmacy and they can pick them up for him every month. I also talked to his nurse about helping him to stay on top of his monthly blood-work. This is also written in his day planner however he is not looking at it. I talked to my son about this yesterday letting him know what his nurse and I discussed and that the day planner isn't going to do any good if he doesn't actually use or look at it.
I have also decided to stop giving him his pills every night. I need to know if he is going to follow through and do this on his own. Being med-compliant is a lot easier when someone else is preparing them for you. I cleared off some room on his dresser and put his pills there along with his day planner. 3:30 or 4 this morning I was reminding him to take them as I guess he forgot to. I had woken up and seen him in bed so left my own bedroom door open so that I could hear if he was up and down. A sure sign that he hasn't taken his pills. I heard him get up and reminded him. He took them stating that he wondered why he couldn't sleep. Not particularly reassuring. If it wasn't for the sedating affect or the risk of insomnia I have to wonder how med-compliant he would actually be if he could sleep good without them.
His nurse asked me if I had heard from the lady from Ready4Life. I wasn't even thinking that I wouldn't since my son refused to sign a release giving me access unless an emergency. I guess she hasn't gotten back to PACT either so I don't know what is happening with that. His nurse dropped off paperwork for him to register or sign up for subsidized housing. Could my son fill it out or me help him? Not that I don't want to however PACT is supposed to be helping him with this and I really doubt that he could fill it out without help. I told my son what is was and that Ready4Life or PACT could help him. That I can help him too but that he needs to start relying on them more if he can't do it on his own.
I also tried to express my concerns with his nurse over how things would proceed if I was not around to ensure that most appointments were kept or what will happen when he is on his own. I can't say the answer was reassuring. If they have clients that receive injections or need medications administered by them then they have to keep trying to see the person however if that is not the case then appointments get missed. Like I said. Not reassuring. We did discuss moving his weekly appointment with her to another day as on Thursdays she can't see him in the afternoon and he is rarely awake at 11:30 AM. Will see how Wednesday afternoons work out. Still waiting on the new lady that started with PACT that is more family orientated. I guess she is swamped so it's taking her time to fit us in. Hopefully Monday she will finally get to met my son.
I haven't said much here about my son's Nana. I had asked that he not contact her and I guess he hasn't. I let him know yesterday that he could providing he leave me out of any conversations with her.
That's it for today ;)
Mom
BarbieBF
Monday, August 4, 2014
I said I'm sorry.
It was a good and quiet weekend. *knock on wood* Other then Friday night my downstairs neighbor has been quiet. My son went to his friends for the night Friday. There was some alcohol and marijuana use although I'm guessing not too much and he was ready to come home the next day. Saturday hubby and I went to a laundromat to do our laundry as I'm trying to stay away from my downstairs neighbors unit which is right across for the laundry room. I'm trying not to aggravate the whole situation any more then necessary. They have receive their second eviction notice due to my complaints about excess noise. We did grocery shopping then picked up my son. Yesterday (Sunday) hubby dropped me off at my best friends while he went to see his grand-kids. I haven't seen my best friend in two years and it was a good visit. Last night we watched the 1976 movie Sybil. Sybil had Multiple Personality Disorder or what is now known as DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder. My son watched some of it with us although he didn't particularly seem interested in it. He was probably more bored then anything.
I guess it was Friday afternoon when he eventually got up that he asked me if he had fallen asleep on the sofa that morning. I took the opportunity to let him know that I know that he is an adult however as long as he is living under my roof there are and will continue to be consequences to certain behaviors. The next time he sleeps on the sofa then he will lose the internet. Sunday morning I woke up to him asleep on the sofa again. He lost the internet. Last night he asks me if we can talk about it that he is willing to make a pact with me that he won't do it again, can I help him not do it? That he shouldn't be in the living room after a certain time. I asked him how he expected me to do this? Unless I stay up all night I can't stop him from coming into the living room at 2 and 4 o'clock in the morning. He suggested putting a note on the coffee table for him. There has been a list of apartment rules and consequences in the living room for a long time now that he refuses to look at or read since he already knows what they are. He said that since he has said that he is sorry that I should not make him deal with the consequences that that is unfair and unreasonable of me. If I'm going to be like that about it then he is not sorry. He seems to be missing the point of what it means to be sorry. They aren't words to be used to manipulate people, at least they shouldn't be. I remember when he first came to live with me and one time telling me that to say I'm sorry means that you can do it again because you said I'm sorry. He said that taking away the internet won't stop him from sleeping on the sofa. I tried to give him another way to look at it. If I miss work then I don't get paid for that day. I can apologize to my boss, give reasons and say that I'm sorry however I still won't get paid. Being sorry doesn't get me out of the consequences. Guess what? He didn't sleep on the sofa last night!
Just a little while ago he randomly asked me what I was doing and if I was writing my book. No just blogging, I haven't written anything new for my book since January. You're on blogger now? Yes I switched from Tumblr awhile ago as there doesn't seem to be a lot of adults on there. Then he went and brushed his teeth! Then I see him taking dirty dishes out of his room! My hubby had suggested to him last night that perhaps if he cleaned up his room a little bit he would be more comfortable in there. I have stopped going in and cleaning his room and it's a mess! For some reason he dumped all of his dirty laundry in the middle of the room. When I asked him why he said he wanted the floor to feel like it had carpet. Really? Your kidding right?! No not really... This was the day he came back from his friends so sometimes his behavior just isn't going to make sense after smoking weed and drinking. The garbage can is overflowing and there is garbage all over the place. If this is his current level of self-care than it is what it is.
BTW July 30 was my hubby and I's 4th year anniversary of the day we meet. At first I thought it was 3 years. My son said it must be 5. I had to think about it for a bit. For years I always thought we had been together a year longer then we had been. I guess in trying to correct that I over-corrected. While I still remember with clarity the first time I say him, what he said and what I was wearing... A flowered dress. He used to call me his flower girl and sing (I Love) The Flower Girl! It seems a life time ago. We have certainly come a long ways. All my nagging and pushing has paid off! ;)
Mom
BarbieBF
Saturday, July 26, 2014
R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Find out what it means to me.
Respect... This word has been brought up a couple of times today. I asked my son this morning if he took his pills last night as he has been up all night and is still up at noon today and showing no signs of fatigue. He felt disrespected. I'm not sure I understand my son's feelings on respect or disrespect or this generations for that matter. I get that it can and does upset those with a mental illness to be asked such a question however sometimes it is a valid question.
I decided to take a leap and try to talk to my son this morning about the current situation between him, myself and his Nana. We managed to keep the conversation calm however I did not make any headway it seems. I asked him if he gained anything by having his Nana hate me. He said yes. I asked him he felt that Nana would love him less if he told the truth and his first response was yes and then he seemed confused by the question and asked what is the truth? That he usually does tell her the truth eventually... I'm thinking not!
I'm afraid I'm really struggling with this situation. I feel that his Nana and I should be working together, in love not hate, regarding my son's future. We do after all both love him. Unfortunately we have different view points on how to help him which really isn't anything new. The difference is that when he was living with her and calling me and telling me what a bitch she was I didn't fall for it hook, line and sinker. I insisted that he talk about her with respect. I knew she acted out of love even if I didn't agree with what was being done.
I asked my son where in all this was there any respect for me? Where do my feelings fit in? There seems to be zero consideration for me or my feelings or what I am trying to accomplish. I'm not trying to keep drugs and alcohol out of his life, give him structure or teach him responsibility for his choices and actions because I don't love him. This may be a little controlling on my part but I do find it really hard to swallow that it is my phone that he uses to call her and lie about me. It would be like me using my bosses phone to call someone and complain what a tyrant he is. Can't imagine that going over very well. Can you? In my opinion that would be disrespectful.
Another thing I'm finding hard at the moment is keeping my cool about the messes that he is making. Every morning I'm waking up to a kitchen and living room looking like a tornado hit it. Pickles and pickle juice, snacks, popcorn everywhere, overflowing ashtray and butts on the floor and coffee table and that is just the living room! The kitchen counter cluttered with popcorn wrappers and garbage with spilled Kool-Aid and coffee all down the cupboards and on the floor. If he is capable of making the mess then he is capable of cleaning it up or at least reaching the garbage which isn't in some far off land. I got told yesterday that it was his father's fault that he was making these messes because he had broken his heart. Sorry not to be harsh but I'm not buying into that and I told him that he is 20 years old and his current actions are a reflection on no one except himself. His father is not here distracting him and causing him to throw things around like we lived in a garbage dump. Showing some respect for the home that he is being provided is not beyond his capabilities.
He is not liking the fact that I'm refusing to give him money early. His disability check has not arrived and even when it does it can not be cashed until the last day of the month. I don't mind compromising and giving him money once the check has come in and he has signed it over to me for cashing as that is my only security in receiving my portion for room and board. As it is I don't take what is supposed to come to me. It's becoming a monthly discussion on why I won't give him money early. Today he asked for the number for disability as he wants to call them and get a payment early for the place that he is going to move into. What place?! He was talking to his friend on Skype yesterday and I'm guessing neither one of them have money for alcohol at the moment.
I also got told yesterday when pointing out the mess that he already knows he is supposed to pick up, I don't need to remind him, that he was going to call his father about making arrangements to get the hell out of here. What about the place he needs his disability early for? Needless to say I told him to tell his father about the messes that he is making and the 2 grams of weed I had to throw out. It's a pretty sure bet that he didn't relay that instead centered on how I'm treating him like a child and yelling at him for no reason.
One a good note he finally had a shower this morning. He wanted to go for breakfast so I let him know that he wasn't leaving the apartment with me until he had a shower. It's been way to long. This shower also included some personal grooming of his facial hair. I must say he cleans up really nice!
Mom
BarbieBF
I decided to take a leap and try to talk to my son this morning about the current situation between him, myself and his Nana. We managed to keep the conversation calm however I did not make any headway it seems. I asked him if he gained anything by having his Nana hate me. He said yes. I asked him he felt that Nana would love him less if he told the truth and his first response was yes and then he seemed confused by the question and asked what is the truth? That he usually does tell her the truth eventually... I'm thinking not!
I'm afraid I'm really struggling with this situation. I feel that his Nana and I should be working together, in love not hate, regarding my son's future. We do after all both love him. Unfortunately we have different view points on how to help him which really isn't anything new. The difference is that when he was living with her and calling me and telling me what a bitch she was I didn't fall for it hook, line and sinker. I insisted that he talk about her with respect. I knew she acted out of love even if I didn't agree with what was being done.
I asked my son where in all this was there any respect for me? Where do my feelings fit in? There seems to be zero consideration for me or my feelings or what I am trying to accomplish. I'm not trying to keep drugs and alcohol out of his life, give him structure or teach him responsibility for his choices and actions because I don't love him. This may be a little controlling on my part but I do find it really hard to swallow that it is my phone that he uses to call her and lie about me. It would be like me using my bosses phone to call someone and complain what a tyrant he is. Can't imagine that going over very well. Can you? In my opinion that would be disrespectful.
Another thing I'm finding hard at the moment is keeping my cool about the messes that he is making. Every morning I'm waking up to a kitchen and living room looking like a tornado hit it. Pickles and pickle juice, snacks, popcorn everywhere, overflowing ashtray and butts on the floor and coffee table and that is just the living room! The kitchen counter cluttered with popcorn wrappers and garbage with spilled Kool-Aid and coffee all down the cupboards and on the floor. If he is capable of making the mess then he is capable of cleaning it up or at least reaching the garbage which isn't in some far off land. I got told yesterday that it was his father's fault that he was making these messes because he had broken his heart. Sorry not to be harsh but I'm not buying into that and I told him that he is 20 years old and his current actions are a reflection on no one except himself. His father is not here distracting him and causing him to throw things around like we lived in a garbage dump. Showing some respect for the home that he is being provided is not beyond his capabilities.
He is not liking the fact that I'm refusing to give him money early. His disability check has not arrived and even when it does it can not be cashed until the last day of the month. I don't mind compromising and giving him money once the check has come in and he has signed it over to me for cashing as that is my only security in receiving my portion for room and board. As it is I don't take what is supposed to come to me. It's becoming a monthly discussion on why I won't give him money early. Today he asked for the number for disability as he wants to call them and get a payment early for the place that he is going to move into. What place?! He was talking to his friend on Skype yesterday and I'm guessing neither one of them have money for alcohol at the moment.
I also got told yesterday when pointing out the mess that he already knows he is supposed to pick up, I don't need to remind him, that he was going to call his father about making arrangements to get the hell out of here. What about the place he needs his disability early for? Needless to say I told him to tell his father about the messes that he is making and the 2 grams of weed I had to throw out. It's a pretty sure bet that he didn't relay that instead centered on how I'm treating him like a child and yelling at him for no reason.
One a good note he finally had a shower this morning. He wanted to go for breakfast so I let him know that he wasn't leaving the apartment with me until he had a shower. It's been way to long. This shower also included some personal grooming of his facial hair. I must say he cleans up really nice!
Mom
BarbieBF
Monday, July 21, 2014
Schizophrenia. I wear my sunglasses at night...
I got up this morning at 5 to my son sitting at his computer with his sunglasses on. What else can I say about that!? Yes he had been up all night again. Got his pills from the living room where I had left them for him the night before, told him it was 5 o'clock and time to go to bed which thankfully he did. I myself crawled back into bed until my hubby kissed me good-bye a little while later, assuring me that he had made coffee, so I got up and saw him off to work. Perhaps I am PMS'ing still as I had to fight back some tears this morning. Not a usual occurrence for me. Although sometimes I think a good cry would do me some good but I seem unable to let that dam break. Angry tears may sometimes flow but those that may be a reflection of my own internal hurt and frustration are securely locked away perhaps waiting for a time when they can safely be released. I posted an update on me and my son on the Schizophrenia.com forum and was nicely asked by the main admin if I wanted to take a break from being moderator until I can get a more positive state of mind. And I thought I did a good job of keeping my feelings to a minimum... I guess not. I declined. The forum gives me purpose, especially when my own life is not going as planned.
The first thing I did this morning, after my coffee that is, was to e-mail the YMCA and ask them if my son had been asked to not attend. As I suspected the conversation was a little more in depth than that. They had expressed concerns that he is not progressing and offered to have a meeting with both of us which he declined. He does not want to commit to any goal setting and is not working independently or taking advantage of the 1-1 instructing. They did mention another literacy program that may suit him better as it is for people with lower literacy skills. He was not asked to not attend and an interest is being shown in how to motivate him to participate better as at this rate he will be years preparing for his GED. I gave them a little more detail on what has been happening, filling in the 'He's not doing well.' blanks. For now this will have to wait until he is better able to handle it.
I put in a call to his nurse this morning, left her a message and she called me back. I let her know that he is not doing ok. He has not gotten any worse but he is not getting any better. The amount of anti-psychotics that he is on is not cutting it. I feel that she is finally taking me seriously in that even though my son may not be displaying obvious positive symptoms he is still suffering from symptoms of schizophrenia. Maybe that is why I'm finding myself a little choked up. I seem to have been holding onto this misguided idea that maybe just maybe my son was misdiagnosed, since he didn't completely fit into my idea of what schizophrenia is. That if I could just get him over his addiction and keep him clean that the psychosis would fall away. As I said yesterday, I can admit when I'm wrong.
I set up an appointment for his psychiatrist to do a home visit tomorrow morning. I'm guessing that my son will be ok with this since he wants to meet with him too although for a different reason. My son will probably push for a benzo while I will be trying to get another anti-psychotic prescribed since I highly doubt that we will get him to agree to an increase in his Clozapine. Keep your fingers crossed for us that with a little more patience and perseverance I can turn this around.
Mom
BarbieBF
The first thing I did this morning, after my coffee that is, was to e-mail the YMCA and ask them if my son had been asked to not attend. As I suspected the conversation was a little more in depth than that. They had expressed concerns that he is not progressing and offered to have a meeting with both of us which he declined. He does not want to commit to any goal setting and is not working independently or taking advantage of the 1-1 instructing. They did mention another literacy program that may suit him better as it is for people with lower literacy skills. He was not asked to not attend and an interest is being shown in how to motivate him to participate better as at this rate he will be years preparing for his GED. I gave them a little more detail on what has been happening, filling in the 'He's not doing well.' blanks. For now this will have to wait until he is better able to handle it.
I put in a call to his nurse this morning, left her a message and she called me back. I let her know that he is not doing ok. He has not gotten any worse but he is not getting any better. The amount of anti-psychotics that he is on is not cutting it. I feel that she is finally taking me seriously in that even though my son may not be displaying obvious positive symptoms he is still suffering from symptoms of schizophrenia. Maybe that is why I'm finding myself a little choked up. I seem to have been holding onto this misguided idea that maybe just maybe my son was misdiagnosed, since he didn't completely fit into my idea of what schizophrenia is. That if I could just get him over his addiction and keep him clean that the psychosis would fall away. As I said yesterday, I can admit when I'm wrong.
I set up an appointment for his psychiatrist to do a home visit tomorrow morning. I'm guessing that my son will be ok with this since he wants to meet with him too although for a different reason. My son will probably push for a benzo while I will be trying to get another anti-psychotic prescribed since I highly doubt that we will get him to agree to an increase in his Clozapine. Keep your fingers crossed for us that with a little more patience and perseverance I can turn this around.
Mom
BarbieBF
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Ready4Life and family support.
The last couple of days seem to have flown by. Wednesday we received a phone call from Ready4Life. Thursday I meet with a family support worker from PACT and my daughter got a new tattoo. Yesterday was doctor appointments and the movies. Now it's Saturday, hubby is working, the kids are sleeping and I'm feeling a little sad (truthfully more then a little), as my daughter will be going back home to her dad's on Tuesday. I can't blame PMS for feeling a little choked up about this. Having her here has been wonderful and I think it has even done my son some good. They have been watching movies together at night and thanks to my daughter someone that they both used to know when they both lived with me about 6-7 years ago may be re-kindling a friendship with my son. This boy/man is in college and as far as I can tell doesn't do drugs or drink. Will have to see how this plays out as I know he asked my son about paintball.
I wasn't expecting a phone call from Ready4Life so quickly. When the lady called and asked me how my son felt about it, my response was basically: He is usually all for it when we are butting heads however he tends to back off from it when things are calm. I cautioned her that my son was on the other line listening as I heard the echo when he picked up. The conversation went better then I had anticipated. In the past when my son has been faced with this discussion he would state that there is no need as he is going to be moving back with his Nana or Dad. His Nana no longer lives on her own and despite my son's usual insistence that this is an option, it really isn't. They discussed what the program can do for him and set up an appointment for next week. A little while later I asked my son if he wanted to discuss this and he said no that there was no point. In case you are in the Halton, Ontario, Canada region this is their link: http://www.r-4-l.org/
My son usually sees one of his support workers Thursday mornings, if he is awake and doesn't cancel. Despite the fact that he had gotten up for school and stayed up all day, he still managed to stay up all night and hadn't gone to bed until 6 AM. When the lady first called we discussed her coming by at another time however when I realized that she was the family support worker that his nurse had told me about, I asked that she still come by as we really need this extra support. I didn't wake my son as I wanted a chance to talk to her, uninterrupted, about what has been happening. One of the first things I told her was that I am so grateful that PACT has brought her on board as even though my son's other workers listen to me and my concerns, we/I need someone who can help from a family support point of view. I told her about the Adderall, the (hysterical) laughter, irregular sleep pattern, the marijuana and filled her in on some of the family struggles. The laughter was still happening as of that morning when he spent several hours finding the thought of cow udders to be extremely funny. Ok maybe they are a little funny :) but not enough to warrant hours of seemingly uncontrollable giggling. Again I was thankful to have my concerns validated. She took note of the laughter and sleep and said that she would bring it up at their meeting later that day as there appears to be something going on. I talked to her about my concerns regarding my son's inability to communicate in a better way with his Nana, including my thoughts on their relationship (current and past) and Folie à deux, stating that my son needs help learning to express himself better or differently as this is not helping him. We discussed his medications a little bit. I still think that his anti-psychotics should have been upped after the Adderall however at this point I have no idea how to accomplish that without causing his ODD to act up. The last thing I want to do is interfere with the fact that he is being medication compliant, at least as far as I know.
I was asked if my son was still using marijuana. I said no however now I am not so sure. My son has a cigarette vaporizer that he got some time ago and hasn't been using it for months. I have been noticing over the past week that he may be using it even though I am unable to find the mouth piece which in itself is odd. He has been charging it and moving it around. Some time ago I read an article that teenagers are using these to smoke marijuana along with electronic or E-Cigarettes. You can even find videos on YouTube.com on how to fool people so they can't tell that is what you are doing with it. I guess since it releases the 'smoke' as vapor there is minimal or no smell plus it's vapor so more effective and less harsh on the lungs? I'm not sure exactly how they work and I do believe they are questioning the harmful affects of vapor/liquid in the lungs. All I know is why would my son being charging it and where is the mouth piece? If he is using it for weed then it only stands to reason that it would be kept out of my sight. I also think I heard my son opening his bedroom window the night that he charged it. I have seen my son cold and/or sweating and he doesn't think to open or close his bedroom window. Also a night that he stayed up all night and stated that even though he had taken his pills that he couldn't get to sleep. Lot's of red flags. I really wish that my past experience with addiction could serve me better in helping my son, as it's the marijuana in my home that is the straw breaking the camels back, metaphorically speaking. Regardless of how much I love my son I can not continue to support this behavior or choice. I wish I could make him see the damage that it is causing.
An hour with this lady and it feels like I barely touched the surface but it's a start and hopefully a good one. It was a comfort to have my daughter also sit in on this meeting as her take on things, seeing things as they are by being here and knowing what information is being passed on, I think helped to paint the bigger picture. Hopefully soon we can set up another appointment where she can meet my son. During some of our talking I mentioned the Schizophrenia.com forum that I help to moderate and showed her the main page as it has a lot of information on schizophrenia. While it is a volunteer thing I sometimes lovingly call it my 'job'. She asked me if I would be interested in participating and helping with some support groups that PACT is looking into starting. I have wanted to be more involved for awhile now so perhaps this will be my opportunity to step out of my own comfort zone and give the support I would love to give to other people. Something that I am never to sure how to respond to are comments from people in real life, face to face, telling me on how strong and inspiring I am. Comments like: 'You seem to have your hands full.' Physically no. Mentally maybe. My son doesn't take up much of my physical time. I do feel for parents or caregivers who juggle family, work and broken systems. 'You seem to handle things very well.' or 'You are doing all the right things.' Most of the time however there are times when I doubt myself and wonder if I'm doing the right things. I find I hesitate before I get out that quiet 'Thank you.' Still I appreciate the vote of confidence and even more so coming from someone who has experience in all this.
My son eventually got up around 2 PM and went with my daughter and I to my daughter's tattoo appointment. My daughter has gone through stages of punk or emo? Sometimes I feel old! Mohawks, green hair, piercings and tattoos. I actually found her green Mohawk cute! Some piercings have been removed while some remain. I like her Monroe and I'm glad she kept it. Her latest addition is a cross tattoo in recognition of her new found faith in God. The lady did a really good job.
Yesterday we had a follow up appointment for my daughter's yearly check up to get x-rays done for the scoliosis surgery she had on her spine several years ago. Her spin was literally an S. Double major curves each around 50 degrees. I forgot again to take before and after pictures. She is healing nicely. She gained I do believe 2 inches as result of the straightening of her spine and ended up taller them me!
My hubby had an appointment to renew his Ciprelax which I of course attended with him. I sometimes wonder if I spend too much time reading and researching mental illness and other disorders. I think my hubby has ADD and perhaps Paranoid Personality Disorder. He agrees with the ADD but not the paranoia. I very well could be over-analyzing that one. I brought up to our Doctor that I think his anxiety may be a result of ADD and that he fits about 90% of the criteria. The Doctor didn't even bat an eye and fairly quickly said that it was possible and is putting in a referral to a psychiatrist as he doesn't diagnose these types of things. I will save the paranoia discussion for the pdoc ;)
We all went to see the movie Transformers: Age of Extinction last night. I liked it however I was a little disappointed but the ending made up for that. I think it's been 4 or 5 nights in a row now that I haven't had to take anything for sleep and I have been sleeping most of the night, only waking up a couple of times. To borrow one of my son's responses. Nice! It's been a fairly busy week so maybe that is helping to combat my insomnia. My downstairs neighbor has been behaving so I haven't had to take any sleeping pills either. We also went to a bookstore yesterday as I wanted to buy a book I read about. It's called Far From The Tree by Andrew Solomon. Winner of 11 national awards and USA Today states: "A masterpiece of nonfiction, the culmination of a decade's worth of research and writing... It should be required reading for psychologists, teachers and above all, parents.... A bold and unambiguous call to redefine how we view difference.' 700 pages should keep me busy for awhile. I used to read all the time... Romance and vampires ;) I also got a book called Awakening Your Psychic Powers...
We are a week late getting my son's monthly blood work done. I seem to be slipping a bit. I also realized yesterday that I had let our car insurance payment bounce again. Two months in a row. Time to get re-organized! Have to call the pharmacy and have them refill two of my son's prescriptions. I seriously worry about who will take care of these things or anything else for that matter if/when my son is out on his own. It's a scary thought. I think I have written enough for one day so I won't go into that now.
Mom
BarbieBF
I wasn't expecting a phone call from Ready4Life so quickly. When the lady called and asked me how my son felt about it, my response was basically: He is usually all for it when we are butting heads however he tends to back off from it when things are calm. I cautioned her that my son was on the other line listening as I heard the echo when he picked up. The conversation went better then I had anticipated. In the past when my son has been faced with this discussion he would state that there is no need as he is going to be moving back with his Nana or Dad. His Nana no longer lives on her own and despite my son's usual insistence that this is an option, it really isn't. They discussed what the program can do for him and set up an appointment for next week. A little while later I asked my son if he wanted to discuss this and he said no that there was no point. In case you are in the Halton, Ontario, Canada region this is their link: http://www.r-4-l.org/
My son usually sees one of his support workers Thursday mornings, if he is awake and doesn't cancel. Despite the fact that he had gotten up for school and stayed up all day, he still managed to stay up all night and hadn't gone to bed until 6 AM. When the lady first called we discussed her coming by at another time however when I realized that she was the family support worker that his nurse had told me about, I asked that she still come by as we really need this extra support. I didn't wake my son as I wanted a chance to talk to her, uninterrupted, about what has been happening. One of the first things I told her was that I am so grateful that PACT has brought her on board as even though my son's other workers listen to me and my concerns, we/I need someone who can help from a family support point of view. I told her about the Adderall, the (hysterical) laughter, irregular sleep pattern, the marijuana and filled her in on some of the family struggles. The laughter was still happening as of that morning when he spent several hours finding the thought of cow udders to be extremely funny. Ok maybe they are a little funny :) but not enough to warrant hours of seemingly uncontrollable giggling. Again I was thankful to have my concerns validated. She took note of the laughter and sleep and said that she would bring it up at their meeting later that day as there appears to be something going on. I talked to her about my concerns regarding my son's inability to communicate in a better way with his Nana, including my thoughts on their relationship (current and past) and Folie à deux, stating that my son needs help learning to express himself better or differently as this is not helping him. We discussed his medications a little bit. I still think that his anti-psychotics should have been upped after the Adderall however at this point I have no idea how to accomplish that without causing his ODD to act up. The last thing I want to do is interfere with the fact that he is being medication compliant, at least as far as I know.
I was asked if my son was still using marijuana. I said no however now I am not so sure. My son has a cigarette vaporizer that he got some time ago and hasn't been using it for months. I have been noticing over the past week that he may be using it even though I am unable to find the mouth piece which in itself is odd. He has been charging it and moving it around. Some time ago I read an article that teenagers are using these to smoke marijuana along with electronic or E-Cigarettes. You can even find videos on YouTube.com on how to fool people so they can't tell that is what you are doing with it. I guess since it releases the 'smoke' as vapor there is minimal or no smell plus it's vapor so more effective and less harsh on the lungs? I'm not sure exactly how they work and I do believe they are questioning the harmful affects of vapor/liquid in the lungs. All I know is why would my son being charging it and where is the mouth piece? If he is using it for weed then it only stands to reason that it would be kept out of my sight. I also think I heard my son opening his bedroom window the night that he charged it. I have seen my son cold and/or sweating and he doesn't think to open or close his bedroom window. Also a night that he stayed up all night and stated that even though he had taken his pills that he couldn't get to sleep. Lot's of red flags. I really wish that my past experience with addiction could serve me better in helping my son, as it's the marijuana in my home that is the straw breaking the camels back, metaphorically speaking. Regardless of how much I love my son I can not continue to support this behavior or choice. I wish I could make him see the damage that it is causing.
An hour with this lady and it feels like I barely touched the surface but it's a start and hopefully a good one. It was a comfort to have my daughter also sit in on this meeting as her take on things, seeing things as they are by being here and knowing what information is being passed on, I think helped to paint the bigger picture. Hopefully soon we can set up another appointment where she can meet my son. During some of our talking I mentioned the Schizophrenia.com forum that I help to moderate and showed her the main page as it has a lot of information on schizophrenia. While it is a volunteer thing I sometimes lovingly call it my 'job'. She asked me if I would be interested in participating and helping with some support groups that PACT is looking into starting. I have wanted to be more involved for awhile now so perhaps this will be my opportunity to step out of my own comfort zone and give the support I would love to give to other people. Something that I am never to sure how to respond to are comments from people in real life, face to face, telling me on how strong and inspiring I am. Comments like: 'You seem to have your hands full.' Physically no. Mentally maybe. My son doesn't take up much of my physical time. I do feel for parents or caregivers who juggle family, work and broken systems. 'You seem to handle things very well.' or 'You are doing all the right things.' Most of the time however there are times when I doubt myself and wonder if I'm doing the right things. I find I hesitate before I get out that quiet 'Thank you.' Still I appreciate the vote of confidence and even more so coming from someone who has experience in all this.
My son eventually got up around 2 PM and went with my daughter and I to my daughter's tattoo appointment. My daughter has gone through stages of punk or emo? Sometimes I feel old! Mohawks, green hair, piercings and tattoos. I actually found her green Mohawk cute! Some piercings have been removed while some remain. I like her Monroe and I'm glad she kept it. Her latest addition is a cross tattoo in recognition of her new found faith in God. The lady did a really good job.
Yesterday we had a follow up appointment for my daughter's yearly check up to get x-rays done for the scoliosis surgery she had on her spine several years ago. Her spin was literally an S. Double major curves each around 50 degrees. I forgot again to take before and after pictures. She is healing nicely. She gained I do believe 2 inches as result of the straightening of her spine and ended up taller them me!
My hubby had an appointment to renew his Ciprelax which I of course attended with him. I sometimes wonder if I spend too much time reading and researching mental illness and other disorders. I think my hubby has ADD and perhaps Paranoid Personality Disorder. He agrees with the ADD but not the paranoia. I very well could be over-analyzing that one. I brought up to our Doctor that I think his anxiety may be a result of ADD and that he fits about 90% of the criteria. The Doctor didn't even bat an eye and fairly quickly said that it was possible and is putting in a referral to a psychiatrist as he doesn't diagnose these types of things. I will save the paranoia discussion for the pdoc ;)
We all went to see the movie Transformers: Age of Extinction last night. I liked it however I was a little disappointed but the ending made up for that. I think it's been 4 or 5 nights in a row now that I haven't had to take anything for sleep and I have been sleeping most of the night, only waking up a couple of times. To borrow one of my son's responses. Nice! It's been a fairly busy week so maybe that is helping to combat my insomnia. My downstairs neighbor has been behaving so I haven't had to take any sleeping pills either. We also went to a bookstore yesterday as I wanted to buy a book I read about. It's called Far From The Tree by Andrew Solomon. Winner of 11 national awards and USA Today states: "A masterpiece of nonfiction, the culmination of a decade's worth of research and writing... It should be required reading for psychologists, teachers and above all, parents.... A bold and unambiguous call to redefine how we view difference.' 700 pages should keep me busy for awhile. I used to read all the time... Romance and vampires ;) I also got a book called Awakening Your Psychic Powers...
We are a week late getting my son's monthly blood work done. I seem to be slipping a bit. I also realized yesterday that I had let our car insurance payment bounce again. Two months in a row. Time to get re-organized! Have to call the pharmacy and have them refill two of my son's prescriptions. I seriously worry about who will take care of these things or anything else for that matter if/when my son is out on his own. It's a scary thought. I think I have written enough for one day so I won't go into that now.
Mom
BarbieBF
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Easy peasy with a little patience mixed in... Folie à deux
With a little juggling my son got his watch yesterday. We took a taxi to the mall then to the grocery store where my hubby met us as we were checking out. Chiropractor then home to order pizza for supper. While waiting for the pizza hubby took my son back to the jewelers to adjust the band on his watch since it was too big. Oops, I should have had them do that when he bought it. We had to look up the discount price on my phone to show the jewelers as the price they had didn't match what was online. Thankfully that didn't take long to do as my son was showing signs of irritability with the sales clerk and my son got it for the online price. Whew! Originally an over $400.00 watch discounted to $190.00. Not bad!
Hubby took my daughter driving again while my son and I just vegged watching TV. Well the TV was on. My son was reading up on his new watch and I was dozing. By the time my hubby got back I was struggling to stay awake so it was off to bed for us. Another night that I didn't have to take Melatonin. I reminded my son about school and asked him if he wanted a Trazadone for sleep to which he replied no. I teased him a little bit that maybe tonight he could not forget to take his pills. He smiled and agreed. *fingers crossed* that things are finally starting to turn around. When my son can take my teasing without taking it as an insult that is a good sign. I woke up around 1:40 AM and he was sleeping on one of the sofa's while my daughter was watching I think another episode of Pretty Little Liars. His pill dish was empty! It took a couple of tries but I finally got him into bed. Every time I walk away he lies back down yet if I stand over him he gets irritated.
I slept in a bit this morning and didn't get up until almost 7. Started calling my son around 8. Finally got him up just before 9. School starts at 9. As much as I want him there on time I figure during times like this baby steps work best. I got out some clean cloths for him, got his backpack ready and filled his water bottle with iced tea. With some nice nagging, a lot of huns, sweethearts and pleases he got dressed, brushed his teeth when I asked him too and was finally ready to leave by 9:30. *pats self on back* As he was leaving he noticed an article that I was reading titled: Folie à deux: When Two People Go Insane Together. I was curious about couple psychosis due to a post I was reading on the Schizophrenia.com forum. Another good sign when my son notices or takes interest in things around him. Off to school he went and he even appeared to be in a good mood about it! He even noticed that I had filled his water bottle for him! I think I'm PMS'ing as for some reason I got a little choked up watching him leave. The normalcy of these situations seem to speak volumes to me, for which I am grateful, as they give me the hope that I need to keep fighting for my son's future.
The article I just spoke about got me thinking a little bit about the dynamics of the relationship between my son and his Nana. Folie à deux is a term that originated in psychiatry and was replaced by the term 'shared psychotic disorder', that is usually prevalent in couples but also happens within other family structures. The article states that: ... all that's really necessary is social isolation and a difficult-to-break connection between the two people. I'm not saying that my son's Nana is psychotic however I wonder if the stress of coping and living with my son for an extended period of time coupled with her unconditional, seemingly 'blind love' for my son has contributed to a very unhealthy view of the situation. I know that when things were bad that social isolation was certainly a factor. I know that her ability to step back and see a situation beyond what my son was telling her or seeing, from my point of view, become non-existent. Perhaps I am reaching as a way to deal with my own feelings of hurt that someone I do care about is unable to see me, what am I fighting for or what I think is the bigger picture. She seems to believe everything that my son tells her with apparent little regard for the facts. She has known me for over 22 years and while our relationship has had it's ups and downs as any in-law relationship would, that she could believe that I am who my son has sometimes painted me to be, truly is heartbreaking for me. For reasons that I will not write about here, I do know for a fact that her opinion of me is pretty low at the moment and she really does believe that I am not treating my son right. The sad part it that the only person that could probably fix this is my son himself. To fix it he would have to admit to her all the lies and manipulations that have been told. I certainly won't hold me breath on that one happening. The article states that forced separation should do the trick. While they are separated by distance they are not separate as when things are tough here she is but a sympathetic phone call away with only my son's, usually unstable, viewpoint being considered. I don't think he even calls her that much when things are going good which should speak volumes in my opinion however it is what it is. You can read the article here: http://io9.com/5955095/folie-a-deux-when-two-people-go-insane-together
My son just got back from school so I should go get my day started.
Mom
BarbieBF
Hubby took my daughter driving again while my son and I just vegged watching TV. Well the TV was on. My son was reading up on his new watch and I was dozing. By the time my hubby got back I was struggling to stay awake so it was off to bed for us. Another night that I didn't have to take Melatonin. I reminded my son about school and asked him if he wanted a Trazadone for sleep to which he replied no. I teased him a little bit that maybe tonight he could not forget to take his pills. He smiled and agreed. *fingers crossed* that things are finally starting to turn around. When my son can take my teasing without taking it as an insult that is a good sign. I woke up around 1:40 AM and he was sleeping on one of the sofa's while my daughter was watching I think another episode of Pretty Little Liars. His pill dish was empty! It took a couple of tries but I finally got him into bed. Every time I walk away he lies back down yet if I stand over him he gets irritated.
I slept in a bit this morning and didn't get up until almost 7. Started calling my son around 8. Finally got him up just before 9. School starts at 9. As much as I want him there on time I figure during times like this baby steps work best. I got out some clean cloths for him, got his backpack ready and filled his water bottle with iced tea. With some nice nagging, a lot of huns, sweethearts and pleases he got dressed, brushed his teeth when I asked him too and was finally ready to leave by 9:30. *pats self on back* As he was leaving he noticed an article that I was reading titled: Folie à deux: When Two People Go Insane Together. I was curious about couple psychosis due to a post I was reading on the Schizophrenia.com forum. Another good sign when my son notices or takes interest in things around him. Off to school he went and he even appeared to be in a good mood about it! He even noticed that I had filled his water bottle for him! I think I'm PMS'ing as for some reason I got a little choked up watching him leave. The normalcy of these situations seem to speak volumes to me, for which I am grateful, as they give me the hope that I need to keep fighting for my son's future.
The article I just spoke about got me thinking a little bit about the dynamics of the relationship between my son and his Nana. Folie à deux is a term that originated in psychiatry and was replaced by the term 'shared psychotic disorder', that is usually prevalent in couples but also happens within other family structures. The article states that: ... all that's really necessary is social isolation and a difficult-to-break connection between the two people. I'm not saying that my son's Nana is psychotic however I wonder if the stress of coping and living with my son for an extended period of time coupled with her unconditional, seemingly 'blind love' for my son has contributed to a very unhealthy view of the situation. I know that when things were bad that social isolation was certainly a factor. I know that her ability to step back and see a situation beyond what my son was telling her or seeing, from my point of view, become non-existent. Perhaps I am reaching as a way to deal with my own feelings of hurt that someone I do care about is unable to see me, what am I fighting for or what I think is the bigger picture. She seems to believe everything that my son tells her with apparent little regard for the facts. She has known me for over 22 years and while our relationship has had it's ups and downs as any in-law relationship would, that she could believe that I am who my son has sometimes painted me to be, truly is heartbreaking for me. For reasons that I will not write about here, I do know for a fact that her opinion of me is pretty low at the moment and she really does believe that I am not treating my son right. The sad part it that the only person that could probably fix this is my son himself. To fix it he would have to admit to her all the lies and manipulations that have been told. I certainly won't hold me breath on that one happening. The article states that forced separation should do the trick. While they are separated by distance they are not separate as when things are tough here she is but a sympathetic phone call away with only my son's, usually unstable, viewpoint being considered. I don't think he even calls her that much when things are going good which should speak volumes in my opinion however it is what it is. You can read the article here: http://io9.com/5955095/folie-a-deux-when-two-people-go-insane-together
My son just got back from school so I should go get my day started.
Mom
BarbieBF
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
A glimpse, a pleasant surprise for a change.
I managed to get some laundry done, although I did keep forgetting about it and even had a nap in between which is rare for me. My daughter and a friend were watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix, my son was sleeping, the downstairs neighbor wasn't blaring her music and I just couldn't keep my eyes open. Made two loafs of bread, one was chocolate chip and banana and the other was whole wheat with sunflower and flax seeds that we had with supper. Did a quick vacuum and wipe down of the bathroom. I think I need to get some new filters for the vacuum or see if the hose has something stuck in it as it's not picking up like it should. All in all a pretty quiet and uneventful day.
My son slept til about 4:30 PM and woke up in a pretty good mood which I wasn't really expecting. I was mentally holding my breath for the unfair laptop discussion. He did eventually ask to talk to me in private as my daughter's friend was still here. It's conversations like this that seem to pull at my heartstrings, perhaps more so then seeing him not doing well. I don't know if it's because I think I'm seeing a glimpse of the man he is capable of being. Calm, reasonable and open. He was sorry that he couldn't get up for school that he has been going and plans to continue going, he just really couldn't get up. He says that he had taken his meds earlier in the night but still had problems getting to sleep and didn't until sometime between 6 and 7. Perhaps the missing Lithium did contribute, although I doubt it, but for sake of keeping things calm I let it slide. I asked him why he hadn't woken me for a Trazadone since he does have these to use as needed for sleep. He didn't want to wake me. Nice of him however he usually wakes me for some pretty mundane things so I told him next time to wake me. As for the laptop. I backed down some. I appreciate him approaching things like this and try to meet him in the middle where I can. He could not have it back yesterday as that was the day he did miss school however I agreed to him getting it back today. He agreed that that was reasonable. I have to say I like being pleasantly surprised for a change as it doesn't happen very often. I caution myself though as I wonder if this pleasantness has anything to do with me wanting him to work with Ready4Life, a way of appeasing me. It's hard to tell and I really do dislike the fact that I even have to question his motives but as I have said before: He usually warrants an A++ in manipulation. Still... I am proud of him for being reasonable about it.
He was somewhat hyper in the evening. He still has that $140.00 in his wallet plus money in his bank account, yes surprisingly, and he has gotten it in his head that he wants to buy an expensive watch. He has a thing for lighters, pens and watches. Hubby was too tired to take him last night so maybe tonight. The quicker he spends this money the better as it going on a watch is much better then it going on marijuana or alcohol. I guess my insomnia is behaving, wahoo!, as I slept pretty good and didn't notice that he had not gone to bed until I got up at 5:30 this morning and he was still up. I had even given him a Trazadone in the dish with his other pills last night so that he could get a good nights sleep. He forgot to take them. Thought that he had but didn't. A little unsettling however I try to remind myself that recovery takes time and his mind must still be racing some. Or it's ADHD getting in the way. So many variables to consider. Because of his hyperness or excess energy I reminded him that he has Neurontin/Gabapentin and got him one. He took his pills minus the Trazadone and shortly after that said he was going for a nap now that he has taken his pills. I did give him back his laptop this morning. He seemed happily surprised when I brought it up, like he had forgotten about it. I know a lot of parents don't like their kids spending too much time on their computers however I don't like it when my son doesn't want to spend time on his. It's usually a sign that he is in his own head too much or his thoughts are racing too much.
Another one of my son's workers called yesterday as someone usually sees him Monday afternoons. When I told her that he was still sleeping that he had been up all night, she right away asked if I wanted her to set up an appointment with his pdoc. I told her what his main nurse thought however the simple fact that she seemed to recognize that my son's current sleeping habits are not a good indication of where he is at, appeased me a great deal. She said that she would make note of it and bring it up at today's meeting of the staff.
It's 1 PM and I should wake the kids up. If I let my son sleep all day he may have problems getting to sleep tonight and tomorrow is school. Will probably have to deal with him wanting me to walk to the mall with him to buy his watch. Hopefully I can talk him into waiting until hubby gets home as hubby and I have to go out and see our chiropractor today as well.
Mom
BarbieBF
My son slept til about 4:30 PM and woke up in a pretty good mood which I wasn't really expecting. I was mentally holding my breath for the unfair laptop discussion. He did eventually ask to talk to me in private as my daughter's friend was still here. It's conversations like this that seem to pull at my heartstrings, perhaps more so then seeing him not doing well. I don't know if it's because I think I'm seeing a glimpse of the man he is capable of being. Calm, reasonable and open. He was sorry that he couldn't get up for school that he has been going and plans to continue going, he just really couldn't get up. He says that he had taken his meds earlier in the night but still had problems getting to sleep and didn't until sometime between 6 and 7. Perhaps the missing Lithium did contribute, although I doubt it, but for sake of keeping things calm I let it slide. I asked him why he hadn't woken me for a Trazadone since he does have these to use as needed for sleep. He didn't want to wake me. Nice of him however he usually wakes me for some pretty mundane things so I told him next time to wake me. As for the laptop. I backed down some. I appreciate him approaching things like this and try to meet him in the middle where I can. He could not have it back yesterday as that was the day he did miss school however I agreed to him getting it back today. He agreed that that was reasonable. I have to say I like being pleasantly surprised for a change as it doesn't happen very often. I caution myself though as I wonder if this pleasantness has anything to do with me wanting him to work with Ready4Life, a way of appeasing me. It's hard to tell and I really do dislike the fact that I even have to question his motives but as I have said before: He usually warrants an A++ in manipulation. Still... I am proud of him for being reasonable about it.
He was somewhat hyper in the evening. He still has that $140.00 in his wallet plus money in his bank account, yes surprisingly, and he has gotten it in his head that he wants to buy an expensive watch. He has a thing for lighters, pens and watches. Hubby was too tired to take him last night so maybe tonight. The quicker he spends this money the better as it going on a watch is much better then it going on marijuana or alcohol. I guess my insomnia is behaving, wahoo!, as I slept pretty good and didn't notice that he had not gone to bed until I got up at 5:30 this morning and he was still up. I had even given him a Trazadone in the dish with his other pills last night so that he could get a good nights sleep. He forgot to take them. Thought that he had but didn't. A little unsettling however I try to remind myself that recovery takes time and his mind must still be racing some. Or it's ADHD getting in the way. So many variables to consider. Because of his hyperness or excess energy I reminded him that he has Neurontin/Gabapentin and got him one. He took his pills minus the Trazadone and shortly after that said he was going for a nap now that he has taken his pills. I did give him back his laptop this morning. He seemed happily surprised when I brought it up, like he had forgotten about it. I know a lot of parents don't like their kids spending too much time on their computers however I don't like it when my son doesn't want to spend time on his. It's usually a sign that he is in his own head too much or his thoughts are racing too much.
Another one of my son's workers called yesterday as someone usually sees him Monday afternoons. When I told her that he was still sleeping that he had been up all night, she right away asked if I wanted her to set up an appointment with his pdoc. I told her what his main nurse thought however the simple fact that she seemed to recognize that my son's current sleeping habits are not a good indication of where he is at, appeased me a great deal. She said that she would make note of it and bring it up at today's meeting of the staff.
It's 1 PM and I should wake the kids up. If I let my son sleep all day he may have problems getting to sleep tonight and tomorrow is school. Will probably have to deal with him wanting me to walk to the mall with him to buy his watch. Hopefully I can talk him into waiting until hubby gets home as hubby and I have to go out and see our chiropractor today as well.
Mom
BarbieBF
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