I think I'm just going to have to accept that my life is never going to be without it's complications.
A couple of days ago I meet with my counselor from the ADAPT program for addiction.
Without going into all the dirty details... I found out that my husband and daughter were using drugs together. I found out that my husband didn't go and stay clean 4 years ago like I thought he did. I found out that everyone but me knew that he was using and helped him and my daughter to keep it from me. I know right... 3 months later and yeah it still hurts big time. However it is getting better.
Some may be thinking: leave him, kick him out....
Whether you believe addiction is a disease or not, it's not something that I believe in turning my back on family for. After-all I'm an addict too and well I ended up relapsing too. Sad yes I know. Basically 15 years clean of my drug of choice and I'm back struggling with urges that I thought were long in my past.
So even if I did leave my husband. That still leaves my daughter. Like the title says: This circus has 2 Ringleaders: Senior is my husband, Junior is my daughter. It also has an 11 month old baby that needs his family.
I understand addiction, which helps, however it's not helping me with my feelings of betrayal, hurt and of course the anger. Honestly thinking back I couldn't have coped without something. Using helped me to be able to think about it all without completely losing it. In hindsight I guess a prescription of Valium or Perks would have been the more logical choice or at least the choice that wouldn't have ended up with my daughter making the choice to put her son in foster care.
Still I find myself not regretting the choice to use with my husband. Amidst all the rest, jealousy reared it's ugly head. Jealousy that my daughter had a relationship with my husband that I wasn't a part of or even understood. Using comes with a certain amount of intimacy. An intimacy that my husband and I had long lost. Now I know why but for the past say two years I couldn't understand what was happening or why.
As with any addiction it's progressive. As time was going by the family unit was dying. There was no family time of watching our TV shows like we used to during the week after dinner. No spending the weekends together. Everyone was busy... I was home, with the baby most of the time, being 'the curtain'. The person that was helping to present to the rest of the world and The Children's Aid Society the happy, stable, functioning lie that everything was ok.
What happened when I joined that circus? It seems I became the bad guy for a lot of people. Everyone was ok with me being in the dark and being lied to. Not so much ok with me letting the curtain fall and all hell break lose. Well tough shit I say!
I'm done being everyone else's pillar or curtain or justification for any of their choices.
So many emotions I'm still struggling with. So many times I have heard from different people since I found out that they are so happy that I now know because they didn't like lying to me. Really! Great, thanks! Now that everyone else is absolved of feeling any guilt over their actions... Yes I still sometimes wonder how they can look me in the face at all. Like I said I understand addiction but that doesn't really help that much. The lying and manipulations are a choice and don't have to be a part of using.
There are so many things from the past couple of years that at the time I was so utterly confused and frustrated about because I couldn't understand what was going on. It was all just making me feel like a failure... Nothing I was doing was right or helping or fixing what I could see was falling apart but like I said: didn't know why.
So many situations that have been tainted with the truth of it all. One being my wedding. I'm pretty sure they all feel pretty good about the fact that they were all apparently without drugs on my special day. Not saying much for the rest of the trip or the fact that my husband and his brother couldn't seem to get it together enough to even dress themselves properly. I can now think about that day and look at pictures and still feel some form of happiness that it was my wedding day. I still love my wedding dress!
I finally got around to tidying up my basement and starting a new puzzle. I love doing puzzles. Our basement walls are covered in the puzzles we have as a family done together... unfortunately I was the only straight one doing them. For a bit I couldn't look at them without wanting to take them all down. The puzzle I started is a new one that has nothing to do with the past. My own form of therapy.
There are more... I've asked my counselor with ways to cope with the short term feelings of hurt and anger that overcome me when certain things come to light. We will discuss these next week. As time goes by there will be more situations that will make sense now that I have a clue.
From the start my daughter has said to me: How could you have not know? You had blinders on. I say: No, not really. One can't see what one doesn't know. How could I know the difference between my husband or her for that matter, using and not using if they were never clean?
Now I'm working on getting some structure back into my own life. Getting back into using my stepper and exercising. I started back doing my inside sales job a couple of days ago. Eating right, sleeping right. Back on my anti-depressants.
Most of all, wanting to find a way to get my grandson back with family, however that might look like. My daughter is currently living in a dry-group home. Which means they monitor for drugs and alcohol. Baby-daddy is currently living with me. Another complicated situation. Visitation at the moment is one day a week at my place and one day a week with my daughter at the group home. The times should go up with each passing week as long as we all stay clean.
Not sure how all that is going to play out. My daughter needs to be in her own place in order to get her son back full time. Or back here but she seems pretty determined that my place is not a safe place. I say: bullshit! How safe my place is, is on her own choices and always have been. She will have to make the same choices here or on her own when it comes to using. But for the moment these are not my choices to make. I'm really hoping that given the time her and baby-daddy will get their son back.
Now for some good news! My son is doing really good. I guess just over a month ago, he was transferred to a group home. Yes a big step. A lot more freedom however still with structure when it comes to taking his medications. He calls me once or twice a week. Usually just to talk about what is going on with his laptop and the games that he is playing.
Time for a fresh cup of coffee and my Facebook games!
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Showing posts with label Manipulation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Manipulation. Show all posts
Saturday, August 26, 2017
Sunday, June 28, 2015
You've lost your muchness.
One of my favorite movies is Alice in Wonderland.
The above quote came to mind last night when I was lying in bed listening to my son on the phone with his Nana doing his usual venting/lying.
On Friday when his case worker dropped off his medications; no change... She wasn't there for the team meeting so she doesn't know what was said other then his nurse told her that he would talk to me about the fact that there was no change. I let her know what was happening and she said she would try to find out what was going on.
That afternoon I spent a long time with my son rubbing his back and talking to him. I had decided to order pizza for dinner and he wanted me to get larges so that he could have left-overs. I agreed. About 20 minutes later I walk into his room to ask him what he wanted on one of the pizzas and he was smoking... He told me that I needed to prove to him why he wasn't allowed to smoke in his room since he pays for it. *sigh* Yes he pays for the privilege of using it. Just like I pay rent for the privilege of using this townhouse. It's still not my townhouse. Again I remind him that his cigarettes need to stay downstairs.
What happened next I won't say as even though I blog I still don't think disclosing what he was doing is appropriate. I will just say that it was gross and he was doing it for about 15 minutes in the living room. Numerous times I asked him to stop. I asked him to take it to his room. I asked him to wash his hands. He refused to do any of it. Laughed at me when I got mad.
Yes I took away his cigarettes. I ask so little from him and give so much. I went upstairs. A little while later he comes up stating that he had washed his hands, can he have his smokes back, that he was only scratching his penis. He didn't say it so nicely to me. Also as far as I can tell he certainly hadn't washed his hands. I told him no, that he knows full well what he was doing. He punched my bedroom door twice, called me a bitch and told me to fuck off. Thankfully he walked away after that as I wasn't sure for a minute if I was going to have to call 911, which I didn't want to do.
Friday night I asked hubby to sleep in my/our bed so that I could take a sleeping pill. He agreed but then went to his own bed. *sigh* Wasn't much I could so since I had already taken it. If my son was up to no good that night then I wouldn't know.
Yesterday was pretty quiet. Once my son asked me to explain what he did wrong... Honestly he knows and was doing his normal manipulation of details to suite himself. I said I wasn't going to discuss it and reminded him that he had punched my door twice etc. He said that I deserved it. He can try to pretend/play like none of that happened with his Nana but he knows full well what he did and the difference between how he talks to me about it and how he talks to her about it is a dead give away that he knows and remembers exactly what he did. Telling her the truth wouldn't get him the same sympathy... meaning money as that is what he is looking for.
On a side not to all this. I still included him on ordering the pizza and he got to pick the makings of one large. He also got onion rings. As for the cigarettes. He is still not without nicotine. He has his vaporizer that his aunt got him for his birthday with 3 bottles of e-liquid and one of them contains nicotine. Upstairs sometimes overwhelming smells of him using it along with this incense kick that he has been on lately. The incense I'm pretty sure started to cover up the smell of cigarette smoke.
Last night when I heard him on the phone... I think a part of me broke. I just felt like crying. I just don't know what else to do. Sure I can give in to him smoking in his room. To what end? Do I next give in to him masturbating and other things in the living room? I give into that then it will be drinking... It will never stop until he is smoking, drinking & using in his room, being a complete slob, off his meds and psychotic.
Either way it's not a life I'm willing to live or have in my home.
I still haven't gotten over my withdrawal from schizophrenia related sites that started in May. I try. I log into the forum almost every morning and check for moderator related flags but the thought of reading and catching up... My Facebook page is suffering. I have not been participating or giving much support in any of the Facebook groups that I'm in. I try to read the posts but reading about more parents and caregivers going through their hell just makes me feel sick. I'm trying so hard to keep myself positive and distance myself from the negative that I can't read too much from others to even give them support.
The other day I responded to a tweet by Coach Amy White of the blog Far From Paradise. She asked what being a caregiver has taught us. My response: It's taught me that I'm stronger then I thought I was and weaker then I though I was.
If you had asked me in 2012 if I had it in me to deal with all that we have been through since, I'm sure I would have looked completely shocked and if I had known what was to come... Maybe I wouldn't have stayed at home and brought him home. But then again, he's my son and I love him and even if I didn't think I had it in me I'm sure I would have done exactly what I did. Knowing what I know now... Yes I would do it all again. So yes I found more strength than I knew that I had.
I have also found weakness. Times like now and the past couple of weeks where I just can't seem to find the fight anymore. I'm sure it's buried deep down somewhere as I always seem to find it.
Imagine where I would be without my antidepressant? ;) I'm tired. Mentally tired. I'm at a lose.
Yes I've lost my muchness... I'm off. Back to my Facebook games where I don't have to think of mental illness. Where the flowers are beautiful and things are made from magic.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
The above quote came to mind last night when I was lying in bed listening to my son on the phone with his Nana doing his usual venting/lying.
On Friday when his case worker dropped off his medications; no change... She wasn't there for the team meeting so she doesn't know what was said other then his nurse told her that he would talk to me about the fact that there was no change. I let her know what was happening and she said she would try to find out what was going on.
That afternoon I spent a long time with my son rubbing his back and talking to him. I had decided to order pizza for dinner and he wanted me to get larges so that he could have left-overs. I agreed. About 20 minutes later I walk into his room to ask him what he wanted on one of the pizzas and he was smoking... He told me that I needed to prove to him why he wasn't allowed to smoke in his room since he pays for it. *sigh* Yes he pays for the privilege of using it. Just like I pay rent for the privilege of using this townhouse. It's still not my townhouse. Again I remind him that his cigarettes need to stay downstairs.
What happened next I won't say as even though I blog I still don't think disclosing what he was doing is appropriate. I will just say that it was gross and he was doing it for about 15 minutes in the living room. Numerous times I asked him to stop. I asked him to take it to his room. I asked him to wash his hands. He refused to do any of it. Laughed at me when I got mad.
Yes I took away his cigarettes. I ask so little from him and give so much. I went upstairs. A little while later he comes up stating that he had washed his hands, can he have his smokes back, that he was only scratching his penis. He didn't say it so nicely to me. Also as far as I can tell he certainly hadn't washed his hands. I told him no, that he knows full well what he was doing. He punched my bedroom door twice, called me a bitch and told me to fuck off. Thankfully he walked away after that as I wasn't sure for a minute if I was going to have to call 911, which I didn't want to do.
Friday night I asked hubby to sleep in my/our bed so that I could take a sleeping pill. He agreed but then went to his own bed. *sigh* Wasn't much I could so since I had already taken it. If my son was up to no good that night then I wouldn't know.
Yesterday was pretty quiet. Once my son asked me to explain what he did wrong... Honestly he knows and was doing his normal manipulation of details to suite himself. I said I wasn't going to discuss it and reminded him that he had punched my door twice etc. He said that I deserved it. He can try to pretend/play like none of that happened with his Nana but he knows full well what he did and the difference between how he talks to me about it and how he talks to her about it is a dead give away that he knows and remembers exactly what he did. Telling her the truth wouldn't get him the same sympathy... meaning money as that is what he is looking for.
On a side not to all this. I still included him on ordering the pizza and he got to pick the makings of one large. He also got onion rings. As for the cigarettes. He is still not without nicotine. He has his vaporizer that his aunt got him for his birthday with 3 bottles of e-liquid and one of them contains nicotine. Upstairs sometimes overwhelming smells of him using it along with this incense kick that he has been on lately. The incense I'm pretty sure started to cover up the smell of cigarette smoke.
Last night when I heard him on the phone... I think a part of me broke. I just felt like crying. I just don't know what else to do. Sure I can give in to him smoking in his room. To what end? Do I next give in to him masturbating and other things in the living room? I give into that then it will be drinking... It will never stop until he is smoking, drinking & using in his room, being a complete slob, off his meds and psychotic.
Either way it's not a life I'm willing to live or have in my home.
I still haven't gotten over my withdrawal from schizophrenia related sites that started in May. I try. I log into the forum almost every morning and check for moderator related flags but the thought of reading and catching up... My Facebook page is suffering. I have not been participating or giving much support in any of the Facebook groups that I'm in. I try to read the posts but reading about more parents and caregivers going through their hell just makes me feel sick. I'm trying so hard to keep myself positive and distance myself from the negative that I can't read too much from others to even give them support.
The other day I responded to a tweet by Coach Amy White of the blog Far From Paradise. She asked what being a caregiver has taught us. My response: It's taught me that I'm stronger then I thought I was and weaker then I though I was.
If you had asked me in 2012 if I had it in me to deal with all that we have been through since, I'm sure I would have looked completely shocked and if I had known what was to come... Maybe I wouldn't have stayed at home and brought him home. But then again, he's my son and I love him and even if I didn't think I had it in me I'm sure I would have done exactly what I did. Knowing what I know now... Yes I would do it all again. So yes I found more strength than I knew that I had.
I have also found weakness. Times like now and the past couple of weeks where I just can't seem to find the fight anymore. I'm sure it's buried deep down somewhere as I always seem to find it.
Imagine where I would be without my antidepressant? ;) I'm tired. Mentally tired. I'm at a lose.
Yes I've lost my muchness... I'm off. Back to my Facebook games where I don't have to think of mental illness. Where the flowers are beautiful and things are made from magic.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday, April 13, 2015
How do you stay so calm? Behind the Wall
This is what my husband asked me last night. "When I hear him talking like that my blood boils. All I can see is it all happening all over again." Yes me too...
I'm doing my best to learn to let go of things that I can't change or have no control over. My hubby: "Yes but I have seen you, when you put your mind to it, and you do have control and you are able to stop it." Yes but only for a little while... It's raining outside. I can stand under an umbrella but eventually I'm going to get wet. I'm just putting off the inevitable.
I recently purchased a book: Behind the Wall. Click on the book title and it will take you to it. I have barely started the first chapter and already I have felt a connection with the writers and the families they are writing about. In the preface something stood out for me:
"No parent, for example, ever wants to admit there are times when one secretly wishes her child to precede her in death. No one ever thinks that. But this is not an uncommon or unjustified thought for a parent to have while her child is suffering from a particularly devastating episode related to mental illness."
Widdifield, Mary; Widdifield MA, Elin (2015-03-02). Behind the Wall: The True Story of Mental Illness as Told by Parents (Kindle Locations 175-177). Langdon Street Press. Kindle Edition.
No I'm not secretly wishing my son was dead nor is he going through a bad episode right now. Still the ideal expressed in this quote is somewhere that I have been in the past and most likely where I will be in the future, again...
On Saturday while we were setting up the backyard and my thoughts were wondering as they usually do. I asked my son if financially his Nana and I were the same and I couldn't provide him with the things that I do, would he want to stay with me? Of course his first question was: Why are you broke? ;) Over $30000 in debt but that's not the point... I wasn't really expecting a black or white answer and told him that I was just curious as I don't want our relationship based on my ability to be a bank account to him. I purposely didn't say the word love as I don't think my son feels or reacts to things based on love. Not saying he doesn't feel it however it's secondary to his own needs or wants. Anyways he basically said that he is comfortable with me, Dad and Nana...
I use tinctures or herbs to treat my menopause and keep my hormones regulated. My son knows this. He has tried a tincture in the past for anxiety however abused it so I ended up getting rid of it. Just because they are herbs or natural it doesn't mean that they can be abused without harmful side affects.
Because he is struggling with anxiety most likely due to no alcohol now since Wednesday and he knows that he can't get any benzos prescribed, he is looking for another means to self-medicate. I have told him that I'm willing to work with him on things like this to help him with withdrawal and anxiety however he is not going to find the relief he is seeking through a supplement. He says that is not looking for benzo relief however I know better. So we tried a tincture... Yesterday he tells me that it isn't working and asked if we can try another one. Tinctures are not cheap. They range from $20-$50 CAD a bottle.
What do you think preceding me saying no to another tincture? Maybe it would be best if I lived with Nana. That was the agreement anyways that after 6 months I could do that...
It wasn't my agreement and still isn't. This is from when my son was in the shelter the last time and as best that I can tell the agreement was that after 6 months of my son being in a group home and participating in addiction recovery that his Nana would start saving money for him to go out there.
All fine and dandy... What does this mean for my son though? It means he doesn't have to put forth any effort into managing his own life or trying to get better because Nana is waiting in the wings and life with Nana is certainly a lot easier then life with me. I have rules. I have boundaries. He can't manipulate me the way he manipulates her.
My love for him is different. It can see past his feel sorry for me manipulations and half truths that schizophrenia and mostly addiction allows him to speak without so much as batting an eye... Getting what he thinks he deserves is his priority and what others go through to make this happen doesn't matter to him. He knows that Nana would give up anything to give him what he wants. He knows that she can't say no to him. Whether it's good for him or not doesn't fit into the equation. In his eyes that is what love is... Be his minion and put him on a pedestal and you have proven that you love him...
How can that compete with my version of love that says yes I love you but I love and respect myself too. Yes you are special. So are others special too. Yes you have wants and needs. So do others. Yes you have experienced pain. So have others. Yes you deserve a good life... You get my point. I can't compete and I'm not going to try. He can accept my love for what it is or not. A love that sees past right now to a future that could be so much more then burying himself in the fake euphoria that addiction gives him. I use the word euphoria because two nights ago this is what he told me he wanted and what he was looking for.
So the conversation started to get a little heated. He got mad or upset that he is not getting the money that he thinks he should get. Some time ago we signed a room and board contract stating that he would pay me $700 a month because I pay for everything including cloths etc. Disability knows about this contract. I came to this dollar amount by spending considerable time going over the disability website and how they break down their funding. Because he is room and board instead of rent and paying for his own groceries, utilities etc then his payments are $841 instead of 9 something. While living with his Nana they said that he was paying his portion of the rent plus utilities etc so he got a bit more then here. Because it was rent then he got his money at the end of the month for the following month. Here he is room and board which gets paid at the end of the month for that month. You would have to ask disability why they do it this way however he does now have clarification from disability that it works that way so at least we don't have to have that argument anymore.
It clearly states on the disability website that his personal spending amount or money not for basic needs is $119. Do the math. $841 - $119 = $722.
While he was in the shelter the last time I did tell him that I would consider looking at $600 a month instead of $700 IF he was to start buying things for himself like he was supposed to with that money. Not drugs, alcohol, games... Since March 21st we have spent over $200 on him in extras. Not counting McDonald's, Tim Horton's, Chinese food... or the cloths we have gotten him since he loses items while in the shelter system. We have paid for cigarettes for him. I didn't take any money from his disability payment for February and he got the full payment, so that he could buy items for his room.
Givers have to set limits because takers never do...
So no I'm not changing the $700 to $600. Can you guess what followed? The phone call to Nana.
If what you are doing is making an addict happy then chances are you are enabling instead of helping.
Then I'm being asked to talk to Nana and make arrangements. No I'm not talking to Nana and I will not so much as lift a baby finger to help with something that I am dead set against. Considering what has happened in the past, why would I help make that happen again?
My son's case worker from PACT just left...
The kicker is this... Thursday and Friday my son was asking me to help him get his GED (high-school equivalent) because he needs it to work with my husband in construction and he had decided he wanted to do that. Today we were supposed to be looking into either getting him back with the YMCA or into another school that does adult learning.
Nana's intentions may be good and I know are coming from a place of love... When my son pulls on her heartstrings with how much he needs to drink or get high because he is so unhappy, stressed, anxious and there is nothing for him in this world... Will she have the willpower to say no? Will she be able to put aside how much she loves him and how much her heart is breaking for him to make the right decisions? Will she be able keep her home drug and alcohol free even if that means him 'going to the streets' to get it?
My son just admitted to his worker that 30% (I say 60%) of the reason he wants to go live with Nana is because it's easier there and because she won't be able to say no to him...
Today for the first time in a very long time I had trouble getting him to take his medication. He doesn't want to take his Olanzapine any more. Why would he? He is already plotting to get the life that he wants which is addiction and psychosis. Both of those worlds are so much happier for him. It's the collateral damage and who he will take with him when the time comes that I am all to aware of. What if it's my daughter the next time or prey tell some innocent bystander...
Am I calm? Inside I am seething that no matter how hard I try to change the path that two dysfunctional families have set my children on... I feel like I'm losing the battle yet again. Is dysfunctional love better then no love? I don't think so. Without dysfunction one can find healthy love and a better life.
As long as this relationship is part of the picture and my son has the freedom to run away time and time again and hide in his schizophrenia and addiction... For my own life and sanity I have to learn to accept and let go. Maybe send another prayer to Donna, my mom in heaven, to once again watch over her first born grandson and if possible interfere so that I can give him the future he deserves.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I'm doing my best to learn to let go of things that I can't change or have no control over. My hubby: "Yes but I have seen you, when you put your mind to it, and you do have control and you are able to stop it." Yes but only for a little while... It's raining outside. I can stand under an umbrella but eventually I'm going to get wet. I'm just putting off the inevitable.
I recently purchased a book: Behind the Wall. Click on the book title and it will take you to it. I have barely started the first chapter and already I have felt a connection with the writers and the families they are writing about. In the preface something stood out for me:
"No parent, for example, ever wants to admit there are times when one secretly wishes her child to precede her in death. No one ever thinks that. But this is not an uncommon or unjustified thought for a parent to have while her child is suffering from a particularly devastating episode related to mental illness."
Widdifield, Mary; Widdifield MA, Elin (2015-03-02). Behind the Wall: The True Story of Mental Illness as Told by Parents (Kindle Locations 175-177). Langdon Street Press. Kindle Edition.
No I'm not secretly wishing my son was dead nor is he going through a bad episode right now. Still the ideal expressed in this quote is somewhere that I have been in the past and most likely where I will be in the future, again...
On Saturday while we were setting up the backyard and my thoughts were wondering as they usually do. I asked my son if financially his Nana and I were the same and I couldn't provide him with the things that I do, would he want to stay with me? Of course his first question was: Why are you broke? ;) Over $30000 in debt but that's not the point... I wasn't really expecting a black or white answer and told him that I was just curious as I don't want our relationship based on my ability to be a bank account to him. I purposely didn't say the word love as I don't think my son feels or reacts to things based on love. Not saying he doesn't feel it however it's secondary to his own needs or wants. Anyways he basically said that he is comfortable with me, Dad and Nana...
I use tinctures or herbs to treat my menopause and keep my hormones regulated. My son knows this. He has tried a tincture in the past for anxiety however abused it so I ended up getting rid of it. Just because they are herbs or natural it doesn't mean that they can be abused without harmful side affects.
Because he is struggling with anxiety most likely due to no alcohol now since Wednesday and he knows that he can't get any benzos prescribed, he is looking for another means to self-medicate. I have told him that I'm willing to work with him on things like this to help him with withdrawal and anxiety however he is not going to find the relief he is seeking through a supplement. He says that is not looking for benzo relief however I know better. So we tried a tincture... Yesterday he tells me that it isn't working and asked if we can try another one. Tinctures are not cheap. They range from $20-$50 CAD a bottle.
What do you think preceding me saying no to another tincture? Maybe it would be best if I lived with Nana. That was the agreement anyways that after 6 months I could do that...
It wasn't my agreement and still isn't. This is from when my son was in the shelter the last time and as best that I can tell the agreement was that after 6 months of my son being in a group home and participating in addiction recovery that his Nana would start saving money for him to go out there.
All fine and dandy... What does this mean for my son though? It means he doesn't have to put forth any effort into managing his own life or trying to get better because Nana is waiting in the wings and life with Nana is certainly a lot easier then life with me. I have rules. I have boundaries. He can't manipulate me the way he manipulates her.
My love for him is different. It can see past his feel sorry for me manipulations and half truths that schizophrenia and mostly addiction allows him to speak without so much as batting an eye... Getting what he thinks he deserves is his priority and what others go through to make this happen doesn't matter to him. He knows that Nana would give up anything to give him what he wants. He knows that she can't say no to him. Whether it's good for him or not doesn't fit into the equation. In his eyes that is what love is... Be his minion and put him on a pedestal and you have proven that you love him...
How can that compete with my version of love that says yes I love you but I love and respect myself too. Yes you are special. So are others special too. Yes you have wants and needs. So do others. Yes you have experienced pain. So have others. Yes you deserve a good life... You get my point. I can't compete and I'm not going to try. He can accept my love for what it is or not. A love that sees past right now to a future that could be so much more then burying himself in the fake euphoria that addiction gives him. I use the word euphoria because two nights ago this is what he told me he wanted and what he was looking for.
So the conversation started to get a little heated. He got mad or upset that he is not getting the money that he thinks he should get. Some time ago we signed a room and board contract stating that he would pay me $700 a month because I pay for everything including cloths etc. Disability knows about this contract. I came to this dollar amount by spending considerable time going over the disability website and how they break down their funding. Because he is room and board instead of rent and paying for his own groceries, utilities etc then his payments are $841 instead of 9 something. While living with his Nana they said that he was paying his portion of the rent plus utilities etc so he got a bit more then here. Because it was rent then he got his money at the end of the month for the following month. Here he is room and board which gets paid at the end of the month for that month. You would have to ask disability why they do it this way however he does now have clarification from disability that it works that way so at least we don't have to have that argument anymore.
It clearly states on the disability website that his personal spending amount or money not for basic needs is $119. Do the math. $841 - $119 = $722.
While he was in the shelter the last time I did tell him that I would consider looking at $600 a month instead of $700 IF he was to start buying things for himself like he was supposed to with that money. Not drugs, alcohol, games... Since March 21st we have spent over $200 on him in extras. Not counting McDonald's, Tim Horton's, Chinese food... or the cloths we have gotten him since he loses items while in the shelter system. We have paid for cigarettes for him. I didn't take any money from his disability payment for February and he got the full payment, so that he could buy items for his room.
Givers have to set limits because takers never do...
So no I'm not changing the $700 to $600. Can you guess what followed? The phone call to Nana.
If what you are doing is making an addict happy then chances are you are enabling instead of helping.
Then I'm being asked to talk to Nana and make arrangements. No I'm not talking to Nana and I will not so much as lift a baby finger to help with something that I am dead set against. Considering what has happened in the past, why would I help make that happen again?
My son's case worker from PACT just left...
The kicker is this... Thursday and Friday my son was asking me to help him get his GED (high-school equivalent) because he needs it to work with my husband in construction and he had decided he wanted to do that. Today we were supposed to be looking into either getting him back with the YMCA or into another school that does adult learning.
Nana's intentions may be good and I know are coming from a place of love... When my son pulls on her heartstrings with how much he needs to drink or get high because he is so unhappy, stressed, anxious and there is nothing for him in this world... Will she have the willpower to say no? Will she be able to put aside how much she loves him and how much her heart is breaking for him to make the right decisions? Will she be able keep her home drug and alcohol free even if that means him 'going to the streets' to get it?
My son just admitted to his worker that 30% (I say 60%) of the reason he wants to go live with Nana is because it's easier there and because she won't be able to say no to him...
Today for the first time in a very long time I had trouble getting him to take his medication. He doesn't want to take his Olanzapine any more. Why would he? He is already plotting to get the life that he wants which is addiction and psychosis. Both of those worlds are so much happier for him. It's the collateral damage and who he will take with him when the time comes that I am all to aware of. What if it's my daughter the next time or prey tell some innocent bystander...
Am I calm? Inside I am seething that no matter how hard I try to change the path that two dysfunctional families have set my children on... I feel like I'm losing the battle yet again. Is dysfunctional love better then no love? I don't think so. Without dysfunction one can find healthy love and a better life.
As long as this relationship is part of the picture and my son has the freedom to run away time and time again and hide in his schizophrenia and addiction... For my own life and sanity I have to learn to accept and let go. Maybe send another prayer to Donna, my mom in heaven, to once again watch over her first born grandson and if possible interfere so that I can give him the future he deserves.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Brown Corduroy and Venlafaxine
I guess it was last Wednesday, after I attended the meeting at the shelter, that my son was given vouchers for the Salvation Army for clothing. I don't know what it is about brown corduroy that attracts him when he is not stable. He got a pair of corduroy pants and a brown coat. When he was in the shelter in September 2014 he found a brown corduroy jacket that he took a liking to. He seems to like the feel of it however I can't say that I like how he looks in these items.
Since last Wednesday hubby and I have seen him fairly frequently. Wednesday night hubby dropped off a carton of cigarettes on his way snow plowing. Thursday my son called, he needed a ride to disability as a check was waiting for him. That was an interesting conversation with his worker. Apparently I was making her feel guilty by trying to make her responsible for the money that office was giving him. Imagine that! Who should I be holding responsible? Avon? Anyways I apologized and stated that I'm frustrating with fighting every system to keep my son stable. He doesn't want to pay me room and board because he wants to buy 'luxury' items or drugs. She received the signed document giving me access to his file yet somehow doesn't seem to have the signed document stating that his room and board was to go into my account even though they were both dropped off and signed at the same time. She wouldn't acknowledge receipt of a fax I had sent the previous week stating my concerns. I can't say how many times I have been tempted to start writing letters to the local newspapers and our MP. I still might...
Eventually my son agreed to pay me room and board for January. I gave him $160 and agreed to allow $50 more for cigarettes that I would hold on to. Friday he was calling me stating that he had spent the $160 at a bar and was out of cigarettes. A carton in 2 days. His case worker from PACT saw him after that phone call and he told her he had $100. Not sure why he lied to her... or me. Friday hubby and I moved so I told my son that I couldn't make this a priority and he was going to have to wait. Saturday on the way to snow plow hubby dropped off 2 packs of cigarettes and $20. Sunday he is calling me that he is almost out of smokes and spent the $20 on junk food. Ya right! Monday we dropped of 4 packs of cigarettes and $5. Yesterday we dropped of 4 packs of cigarettes, some treats and $5. I told him that was it for the extra $50.
Last week I had him give me his tablet and Nvidia gaming system for safe keeping since he wasn't using it. He got into his head he wanted to sell them for furniture. You know for the place that he doesn't have... I told him I would think about buying the tablet from him when he gets a place so that he can buy furniture. Then he wanted me to sell the tablet and game so that he can buy a PSP portable. Hmmm no. I have done this twice now and I'm not doing it again.
He is supposed to get another check from disability tomorrow. He called me this morning wanting me to buy the tablet now so that he can have more money. If I had to hazard a guess at what is happening... It wouldn't surprise me if he is thinking about a plane ticket. If that is the case there is no way that I'm contributing to what I think will be the possible death of someone. Which would mean it's being discussed on a phone that I pay for, behind my back, again. Hopefully I'm wrong but if the past is an indication of the future...
Apparently my son said no to ADAPT for addiction help. He told me that he didn't but I have been told by I think 2 workers that he did. He is somewhat unstable however not unstable enough to not be up to his old tricks it seems. He is missing some doses of his medications. The night he went drinking of course being one of them. Sadly I don't think he has showered since he has been there and has been wearing the corduroys since he got them. Surprisingly he doesn't smell that bad.
Our move on Friday went very well. Thanks to my hubby's family it went quickly. I think this is the first time that I have been responsible for paying for my own electric heat. We pretty much froze for the first couple of days until hubby said that's enough. I guess seeing me sitting at my computer in a sweater, wrapped in a blanket with gloves on was a bit much ;) I just feel bad sometimes. I don't want to be any more of a drain on my hubby's money then I already am. My son does that enough ;) Still I didn't argue when he said turn up the heat. Now a sweater and slippers are manageable. We pretty much have everything set up except for putting up stuff on the walls. Yesterday we put my son's room together.
Tuesday I saw my family doctor for the remainder of my yearly physical. All my blood work looked good. It looks like my iron levels are up and my hemoglobin is now in normal range. I also had him put me on an antidepressant. I think a combination of worry/stress and my hormones are catching up with me. Everything was bothering me and getting on my last nerve. Poor hubby has been getting the brunt of it. My sensitivity to noise has gotten really bad to the point of wanting to cry over things that have only bugged me in the past. To be blunt, I've been a biatch with him since my son went into the shelter. Hubby says I'm losing weight. I've gone most of my life without people telling me I look or sound stressed. Now it's happening too often ;) He put me on Effexor or generic Venlafaxine. Started me on the lowest dose of 37.5 and to double it after 2 weeks. I asked to only stay on the minimum dose as I only want a little help until I can get things back together and I'm going to have to look into counselling. His office gave me some resources to look into. So it's up to me if I want to double it after 2 weeks. I joked with the pharmacist when I picked up the prescription that now it's my turn to be on meds. This is when I noticed that it was Venlafaxine as the doctor called it Effexor. Threw me for a second that I was being put on a medication that my son has been on.
The first dose made me fairly nauseous. Now it's not as long as I eat with it. It may be interfering a bit with sleep but that's hard to tell since my insomnia has been acting up again. I am taking it in the morning as it can cause bad dreams. I have noticed that sounds are not pissing me off as bad so that's a good thing. My doctor also said that it's a good med for menopause so it should be a good fit for what I'm going through. He mentioned hormone replacement therapy however I'm more comfortable treating my menopause with herbs and it's been working until now. I can up what I take for herbal supplements since I don't take the recommended doses anyways.
The day has gotten away from me so I'm off to start a loaf of bread. Make the house smell like home ;)
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Since last Wednesday hubby and I have seen him fairly frequently. Wednesday night hubby dropped off a carton of cigarettes on his way snow plowing. Thursday my son called, he needed a ride to disability as a check was waiting for him. That was an interesting conversation with his worker. Apparently I was making her feel guilty by trying to make her responsible for the money that office was giving him. Imagine that! Who should I be holding responsible? Avon? Anyways I apologized and stated that I'm frustrating with fighting every system to keep my son stable. He doesn't want to pay me room and board because he wants to buy 'luxury' items or drugs. She received the signed document giving me access to his file yet somehow doesn't seem to have the signed document stating that his room and board was to go into my account even though they were both dropped off and signed at the same time. She wouldn't acknowledge receipt of a fax I had sent the previous week stating my concerns. I can't say how many times I have been tempted to start writing letters to the local newspapers and our MP. I still might...
Eventually my son agreed to pay me room and board for January. I gave him $160 and agreed to allow $50 more for cigarettes that I would hold on to. Friday he was calling me stating that he had spent the $160 at a bar and was out of cigarettes. A carton in 2 days. His case worker from PACT saw him after that phone call and he told her he had $100. Not sure why he lied to her... or me. Friday hubby and I moved so I told my son that I couldn't make this a priority and he was going to have to wait. Saturday on the way to snow plow hubby dropped off 2 packs of cigarettes and $20. Sunday he is calling me that he is almost out of smokes and spent the $20 on junk food. Ya right! Monday we dropped of 4 packs of cigarettes and $5. Yesterday we dropped of 4 packs of cigarettes, some treats and $5. I told him that was it for the extra $50.
Last week I had him give me his tablet and Nvidia gaming system for safe keeping since he wasn't using it. He got into his head he wanted to sell them for furniture. You know for the place that he doesn't have... I told him I would think about buying the tablet from him when he gets a place so that he can buy furniture. Then he wanted me to sell the tablet and game so that he can buy a PSP portable. Hmmm no. I have done this twice now and I'm not doing it again.
He is supposed to get another check from disability tomorrow. He called me this morning wanting me to buy the tablet now so that he can have more money. If I had to hazard a guess at what is happening... It wouldn't surprise me if he is thinking about a plane ticket. If that is the case there is no way that I'm contributing to what I think will be the possible death of someone. Which would mean it's being discussed on a phone that I pay for, behind my back, again. Hopefully I'm wrong but if the past is an indication of the future...
Apparently my son said no to ADAPT for addiction help. He told me that he didn't but I have been told by I think 2 workers that he did. He is somewhat unstable however not unstable enough to not be up to his old tricks it seems. He is missing some doses of his medications. The night he went drinking of course being one of them. Sadly I don't think he has showered since he has been there and has been wearing the corduroys since he got them. Surprisingly he doesn't smell that bad.
Our move on Friday went very well. Thanks to my hubby's family it went quickly. I think this is the first time that I have been responsible for paying for my own electric heat. We pretty much froze for the first couple of days until hubby said that's enough. I guess seeing me sitting at my computer in a sweater, wrapped in a blanket with gloves on was a bit much ;) I just feel bad sometimes. I don't want to be any more of a drain on my hubby's money then I already am. My son does that enough ;) Still I didn't argue when he said turn up the heat. Now a sweater and slippers are manageable. We pretty much have everything set up except for putting up stuff on the walls. Yesterday we put my son's room together.
Tuesday I saw my family doctor for the remainder of my yearly physical. All my blood work looked good. It looks like my iron levels are up and my hemoglobin is now in normal range. I also had him put me on an antidepressant. I think a combination of worry/stress and my hormones are catching up with me. Everything was bothering me and getting on my last nerve. Poor hubby has been getting the brunt of it. My sensitivity to noise has gotten really bad to the point of wanting to cry over things that have only bugged me in the past. To be blunt, I've been a biatch with him since my son went into the shelter. Hubby says I'm losing weight. I've gone most of my life without people telling me I look or sound stressed. Now it's happening too often ;) He put me on Effexor or generic Venlafaxine. Started me on the lowest dose of 37.5 and to double it after 2 weeks. I asked to only stay on the minimum dose as I only want a little help until I can get things back together and I'm going to have to look into counselling. His office gave me some resources to look into. So it's up to me if I want to double it after 2 weeks. I joked with the pharmacist when I picked up the prescription that now it's my turn to be on meds. This is when I noticed that it was Venlafaxine as the doctor called it Effexor. Threw me for a second that I was being put on a medication that my son has been on.
The first dose made me fairly nauseous. Now it's not as long as I eat with it. It may be interfering a bit with sleep but that's hard to tell since my insomnia has been acting up again. I am taking it in the morning as it can cause bad dreams. I have noticed that sounds are not pissing me off as bad so that's a good thing. My doctor also said that it's a good med for menopause so it should be a good fit for what I'm going through. He mentioned hormone replacement therapy however I'm more comfortable treating my menopause with herbs and it's been working until now. I can up what I take for herbal supplements since I don't take the recommended doses anyways.
The day has gotten away from me so I'm off to start a loaf of bread. Make the house smell like home ;)
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
My Mom's Boyfriend
I have been thinking on this since last night. My son refers to my hubby as "My mom's boyfriend". He is my son's step-dad since hubby and I are common-law. The thing is... He is not just my boyfriend. He is not just my son's step-dad. No disrespect to anyone however my hubby as been there for me, my son and my daughter since he came into our lives, to the best of his ability.
So today I wanted to take the time to acknowledge my husband and all that he is, has been and continues to be for me and my family. He may not always have the patience or understanding that I sometimes expect from him. Really who does?
In September 2012 I decided to leave my job with my hubby's support. In April 2013 I brought my son home with my hubby's support. In July 2014 we drove across Canada for my daughter's grade 12 graduation. Three months ago we decided it was time to move to a bigger place as it looked like my daughter was going to be moving back with me. Of course my daughter has decided not to move and my son is currently in a shelter... So now we are moving into a 3 bedroom town-home and it's just the 2 of us :)
Yesterday evening my son called: Are you bringing me smokes? Without even hesitating my hubby was there to drive me to my son even though he had worked all day. Today he was there to drive me to the shelter for a scheduled meeting. Just like always he is there. He may not have a very good understanding of mental illness but he is trying and he is trying very hard. No matter what it is he says to me: Barb whatever it is you know that I'm behind you 100%. Do what you gotta do... The best part of that is that I know that I can count on him to be true to that.
He may not be my son's biological father however he has been there for over two years now for my son. Yes he finds it hard. We all find it hard. BUT he is willing to try. He is willing to put himself out there emotionally and financially for me, my children and by extension my children's family. It's my husband that is there trying to understand. So much to say however I will leave it at that and just say that he is the one making it all possible.
So thank you to my hubby for being a better husband and step-dad then I could have hoped for! To quote the movie Avatar: "I see you" and I love you for all that you are willing to put up with from me and my children.
Back to my son... I had a fairly nice conversation with a taxi driver today as hubby couldn't come back to get me after the meeting which I will discuss shortly, so I took a cab home. He asked me if I was working in the town he picked me up in? I said no that I didn't work and that I was visiting my son at the shelter because he is there due to mental illness. He asked me what mental illness? I told him schizophrenia and addiction. We actually had a nice conversation about it as he himself used to work in a facility that dealt with mental illness. A very nice man and he wished me good luck when he dropped me off. I thanked him stating I could use some ;)
I did go see my son at the shelter last Saturday and meet with the lady that I had spoken to on the phone. We went over my son's medications a little bit. They don't oversee medication compliancy so my son has been missing some doses here and there. Discussed my son's level of self-care which is pretty non-existent. They may not equipped to handle the support my son seems to need. I didn't put him there... Discussed his need for drug treatment which my son still doesn't want to acknowledge. I had taken him his winter jacket and brought back his other one. He called me later that night. I'm not sure what happened but his roommate accused him of touching his stuff and threatened him. I talked to the shelter the next morning and that guy was no longer there. The person I spoke to was working when my son arrived there so he was aware of my son's case and we talked for a minute about what was going on.
I went to see my son last night and bring him some smokes. Not sure what my son is saying however they were under the impression that my son was without the proper clothing and needed assistance with that. He has winter boots and a dresser full of cloths. He only has... Yes that's because he packed himself and his goal at the time had nothing to do with what he was going to wear but with the opportunity to get high. So I packed a small suitcase this morning with his boots, another pair of jeans, long sleeved shirts and more socks and underwear. Last night he was supposed to have a shower. That didn't happen. It probably won't unless someone 'guides' him into having one.
Today I went to the shelter and meet with my son's case worker from PACT, the lady from Ready4Life and one of the shelter staff. Actually the guy I just spoke about. I wasn't sure how it was going to go with the lady from Ready4Life or how I was going to react to her... but it was fine. We discussed my son's possible housing options. We are all in agreement that he isn't capable of living on his own. He can't see that which makes it harder because they can only do what he will agree to. As far as I can tell the goal is to get him into the group home that better fits him because he can't be in the one that expects him to be out during the day.
I guess the shelter had tried to have my son agree to go to Safe Beds as they can offer more support and oversee medications however as usual for my son he declined. I explained that because my son is not stable that I think he confuses this time in the shelter with September 2014. He put up resistant to getting the right kind of help then too. He turns his back on and puts up road blocks to those trying to help him because right now his addiction is controlling him. He doesn't want support... He wants freedom. One comment he made was the he wants to snort percocets for the rest of his life. Not hard to tell where his thinking is at since he used to snort his Nana's perks.
At least this time we all seem to be on the same page and because we were all together my son didn't put up much resistance to all of us working together to help him achieve his long-term goal of having his own place. It came up about him coming home... That's not an easy question to answer. I would love to have my son come home however the reality is that once he gets it into his head that he wants to use then all of his promises of not being disrespectful or violent and doing chores etc, all go out the window.
We all tried to impress on him that this is the time that he needs to start making the right decisions. He can only stay at this shelter for 30 days. I'm ok with him coming home in between if it's needed however he still needs to participate in making choices that are going to keep him stable. He has it in his head that he doesn't have to worry about it because he will have his own place by then. Or he thinks he will be in British Columbia? Not if I have my say. I can't see him getting the same assistance as last time from the case workers here as they seem to already have a much clearer picture of how my son is acting. It wasn't even me this time that first commented that certain behaviors could be considered manipulative. Yes A++ in that skill ;).
I think the short-term goal is to get him into Safe Beds as they are much better equipped to deal with my son's issues. He did agree to have Safe Beds oversee his medications as I guess they are in the same building. It's a start. I did on several occasions speak to my son and try to get him to pay attention. I can't say I like it when people talk to him and he is obviously not paying attention to them and they keep talking... So I step in and get his attention and repeat what they had to say in words then I think will make sense to him. I asked him what he plans on doing if it comes to the point of his 30 days being up there and he doesn't have housing in place because he is not going back to BC. I had to repeat that scenario twice which is fine because that means he was listening. He seemed less resistant to Safe Beds after that and agreed to them overseeing his medications.
Whether we can get him into some sort of drug treatment is still up in the air. The lady from Ready4Life will be contacting ADAPT which is for addiction services. Maybe they can help to teach him how addiction is controlling his live. He doesn't see it as a problem. I explained to him that if his need to use is affecting his life and choices then it is a problem. Someone doesn't have to be drunk all the time or high all the time to have an addiction problem. If it changes who they are then it's a problem and my son's need/want to use changes who he is and how he acts. Also it furthers his schizophrenia which keeps him unstable.
Not sure exactly what is happening with disability. They still haven't called me back however my son says he is getting a check direct deposited next week. They did process him a drug benefits card which PACT has so they are now taking care of ordering and getting his medications.
Poor hubby... He is getting off of work, taking me to get my son smokes which is a 20 minute drive each way and then he may have to go work his second job of snow plowing.
Oh... Did you see that my blog got accepted here: Mental Health Writer's Guild. My Facebook page reached 500 likes yesterday. Ya me!
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
So today I wanted to take the time to acknowledge my husband and all that he is, has been and continues to be for me and my family. He may not always have the patience or understanding that I sometimes expect from him. Really who does?
In September 2012 I decided to leave my job with my hubby's support. In April 2013 I brought my son home with my hubby's support. In July 2014 we drove across Canada for my daughter's grade 12 graduation. Three months ago we decided it was time to move to a bigger place as it looked like my daughter was going to be moving back with me. Of course my daughter has decided not to move and my son is currently in a shelter... So now we are moving into a 3 bedroom town-home and it's just the 2 of us :)
Yesterday evening my son called: Are you bringing me smokes? Without even hesitating my hubby was there to drive me to my son even though he had worked all day. Today he was there to drive me to the shelter for a scheduled meeting. Just like always he is there. He may not have a very good understanding of mental illness but he is trying and he is trying very hard. No matter what it is he says to me: Barb whatever it is you know that I'm behind you 100%. Do what you gotta do... The best part of that is that I know that I can count on him to be true to that.
He may not be my son's biological father however he has been there for over two years now for my son. Yes he finds it hard. We all find it hard. BUT he is willing to try. He is willing to put himself out there emotionally and financially for me, my children and by extension my children's family. It's my husband that is there trying to understand. So much to say however I will leave it at that and just say that he is the one making it all possible.
So thank you to my hubby for being a better husband and step-dad then I could have hoped for! To quote the movie Avatar: "I see you" and I love you for all that you are willing to put up with from me and my children.
Back to my son... I had a fairly nice conversation with a taxi driver today as hubby couldn't come back to get me after the meeting which I will discuss shortly, so I took a cab home. He asked me if I was working in the town he picked me up in? I said no that I didn't work and that I was visiting my son at the shelter because he is there due to mental illness. He asked me what mental illness? I told him schizophrenia and addiction. We actually had a nice conversation about it as he himself used to work in a facility that dealt with mental illness. A very nice man and he wished me good luck when he dropped me off. I thanked him stating I could use some ;)
I did go see my son at the shelter last Saturday and meet with the lady that I had spoken to on the phone. We went over my son's medications a little bit. They don't oversee medication compliancy so my son has been missing some doses here and there. Discussed my son's level of self-care which is pretty non-existent. They may not equipped to handle the support my son seems to need. I didn't put him there... Discussed his need for drug treatment which my son still doesn't want to acknowledge. I had taken him his winter jacket and brought back his other one. He called me later that night. I'm not sure what happened but his roommate accused him of touching his stuff and threatened him. I talked to the shelter the next morning and that guy was no longer there. The person I spoke to was working when my son arrived there so he was aware of my son's case and we talked for a minute about what was going on.
I went to see my son last night and bring him some smokes. Not sure what my son is saying however they were under the impression that my son was without the proper clothing and needed assistance with that. He has winter boots and a dresser full of cloths. He only has... Yes that's because he packed himself and his goal at the time had nothing to do with what he was going to wear but with the opportunity to get high. So I packed a small suitcase this morning with his boots, another pair of jeans, long sleeved shirts and more socks and underwear. Last night he was supposed to have a shower. That didn't happen. It probably won't unless someone 'guides' him into having one.
Today I went to the shelter and meet with my son's case worker from PACT, the lady from Ready4Life and one of the shelter staff. Actually the guy I just spoke about. I wasn't sure how it was going to go with the lady from Ready4Life or how I was going to react to her... but it was fine. We discussed my son's possible housing options. We are all in agreement that he isn't capable of living on his own. He can't see that which makes it harder because they can only do what he will agree to. As far as I can tell the goal is to get him into the group home that better fits him because he can't be in the one that expects him to be out during the day.
I guess the shelter had tried to have my son agree to go to Safe Beds as they can offer more support and oversee medications however as usual for my son he declined. I explained that because my son is not stable that I think he confuses this time in the shelter with September 2014. He put up resistant to getting the right kind of help then too. He turns his back on and puts up road blocks to those trying to help him because right now his addiction is controlling him. He doesn't want support... He wants freedom. One comment he made was the he wants to snort percocets for the rest of his life. Not hard to tell where his thinking is at since he used to snort his Nana's perks.
At least this time we all seem to be on the same page and because we were all together my son didn't put up much resistance to all of us working together to help him achieve his long-term goal of having his own place. It came up about him coming home... That's not an easy question to answer. I would love to have my son come home however the reality is that once he gets it into his head that he wants to use then all of his promises of not being disrespectful or violent and doing chores etc, all go out the window.
We all tried to impress on him that this is the time that he needs to start making the right decisions. He can only stay at this shelter for 30 days. I'm ok with him coming home in between if it's needed however he still needs to participate in making choices that are going to keep him stable. He has it in his head that he doesn't have to worry about it because he will have his own place by then. Or he thinks he will be in British Columbia? Not if I have my say. I can't see him getting the same assistance as last time from the case workers here as they seem to already have a much clearer picture of how my son is acting. It wasn't even me this time that first commented that certain behaviors could be considered manipulative. Yes A++ in that skill ;).
I think the short-term goal is to get him into Safe Beds as they are much better equipped to deal with my son's issues. He did agree to have Safe Beds oversee his medications as I guess they are in the same building. It's a start. I did on several occasions speak to my son and try to get him to pay attention. I can't say I like it when people talk to him and he is obviously not paying attention to them and they keep talking... So I step in and get his attention and repeat what they had to say in words then I think will make sense to him. I asked him what he plans on doing if it comes to the point of his 30 days being up there and he doesn't have housing in place because he is not going back to BC. I had to repeat that scenario twice which is fine because that means he was listening. He seemed less resistant to Safe Beds after that and agreed to them overseeing his medications.
Whether we can get him into some sort of drug treatment is still up in the air. The lady from Ready4Life will be contacting ADAPT which is for addiction services. Maybe they can help to teach him how addiction is controlling his live. He doesn't see it as a problem. I explained to him that if his need to use is affecting his life and choices then it is a problem. Someone doesn't have to be drunk all the time or high all the time to have an addiction problem. If it changes who they are then it's a problem and my son's need/want to use changes who he is and how he acts. Also it furthers his schizophrenia which keeps him unstable.
Not sure exactly what is happening with disability. They still haven't called me back however my son says he is getting a check direct deposited next week. They did process him a drug benefits card which PACT has so they are now taking care of ordering and getting his medications.
Poor hubby... He is getting off of work, taking me to get my son smokes which is a 20 minute drive each way and then he may have to go work his second job of snow plowing.
Oh... Did you see that my blog got accepted here: Mental Health Writer's Guild. My Facebook page reached 500 likes yesterday. Ya me!
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday, February 9, 2015
It's none of your business... It doesn't take much.
First I would like to highlight some of the reading that I have been doing the last couple of days.
This blog caught my attention and I'm loving it: Behind The Walls
A couple of articles in particular that I really liked are: "Why a fear of labels can cause more damage then calling it like it is" and "The dangers of 'coddling' a child who lives with a serious mental illness. Five ways to be supportive instead".
Another site that I came across is: Empowering Parents
3 Parenting styles that undermine your authority
The Jekyll and Hyde Child
I have read and reread articles on keeping boundaries in place and keeping to the rules even more so when dealing with ADHD and/or ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). Still I let them slip...
Saturday night I didn't stop him from sleeping on the sofa. Maybe one day I will learn... We had a good dinner. The chicken turned out good. Hubby again had to go snow plowing and left early evening. Around 9 or 10 I suggested to my son that he take an Olanzapine to knock out the voices and to get a good nights sleep as he hadn't slept much the night before and was up all day. He surprisingly easily agreed and went and took one and his Invega. Then dragged his blanket out to the sofa... I tidied up his room and fixed up his bed and told him to go to bed and watch his tablet or something. He went to bed and I went to read in bed.
Within about 15 minutes I could hear him almost hysterically laughing. I went to check on him as for a minute I wondered if he was crying... No he was laughing. I again suggested he watch something on his tablet as he wasn't helping himself by putting so much attention into the voices. I told him that if he continued to do so that he may make it worse and possibly bring on tactile hallucination which I know he doesn't like. He did start playing a game on it. For about 10 minutes... Then he was dragging his blanket out to the sofa again stating he was going to watch TV. I reminded him that he wasn't sleeping on the sofa.
I dosed off for a bit and woke up I think around 11:30. Of course he is asleep on the sofa. I wake him up and he states: I'm going to sleep here tonight. No you are not. Hubby wasn't home but he would need the sofa when he got home since that is where he sleeps now due to his restless legs being so bad. I nicely shooed him off to bed. My hubby's pillow was soaked with my son's sweat. I'm sure the sofa was too. So I took off the pillow case and went hunting for another one. Didn't find one ;)
My son got up around 11:30 today. I asked: How did you sleep? Good. Then I asked: How are the voices? I guess today that question wasn't ok again. I got told it was none of my business. This time I let him know that that comment pissed me off. I didn't yell or anything like that however I did calmly tell him that he had pissed me off. That he is my business and so is his mental health. If he is not my business than he can call disability today and straighten out his file since he is on it due to his mental health which is none of my business. Then I went for a smoke. Sadly I'm smoking more lately...
A little while later he decides to tell me that he has no entities and that the they are voices now and aren't real. I had to ask him: Now was that so hard? Reality is he probably wants me to call disability for him.
Several hours later I brought up to him about sleeping on the sofa and that he had slept on my hubby's pillow and soaked it with sweat. He insists he didn't sleep on the sofa... He started bringing out the room and board contract we had signed stating I couldn't do... I pulled it out and read it. Along with the things he is supposed to be doing per the contract and isn't. It was starting to turn into a disagreement so I finally said: If you don't want to acknowledge it then that's ok. And I started putting my stuff on to go out for another smoke!
I'm not sure where the verbal outburst came from but it came... I got called a string of derogatory comments and swore at. So many I couldn't count them. I calmly walked over to where the wireless internet is and unplugged it stating: Well you have lost the internet for a while. (Rule is one day for each offense so I think around 10?) He calmly got up and left for a smoke. Now the tell-tale sign that my son was in complete control over what he was saying was the fact that when he left he very quietly closed the front door. The way he had talked to me was on purpose.
Shortly after his case worker showed up with his Invega. I gave her a quick rundown. She tried to talk to him and he laughed it off, said it was funny that he called me what he did. Then he tried asking for Ativan. Could he get it if he went to the hospital? She said not likely that his psychiatrist won't prescribe it and it's on his file at the hospital that he is benzo seeking.
I did discuss with his case worker then I'm really believing that the Olanzapine is bringing out aggression in my son. This is probably the 3rd time that I have seen him become more aggressive after taking it. Everyone says it shouldn't... Tell that to my son ;) Don't get me wrong as I do believe he was in control and that it is behavioral just being fueled by something. Either the Olanzapine or voices... Yet the Olanzapine seems to knock out the voices so that would even more point to the fact that his behavior is not schizophrenia related. I'm seriously on the fence with the Olanzapine. Knock out voices vs. apparently causing aggression.
I did bring up perhaps upping his Invega due to the brief conversation my son and I had Sunday morning about the fact that he shouldn't have to be killing entities in his head like he was. He stated he liked doing it... laughing at her. Finally I just said to his worker that he doesn't appear to be stable enough to be having this conversation. Although I would bet a paycheck (if I had one) on the fact that he made it appear worse to strengthen his case on needing/wanting benzos. She is going to talk to his team about his behavior and see what they have to say. She may also be scheduling him an appointment with his psychiatrist as he is due and discussed having him participate in some of the groups and activities. One of them being swimming on Mondays. She thinks he needs out more. I agree.
He is supposed to make dinner tonight. We had spoken about that this morning. Before the disagreement ;). Hubby is now home and it's dinner time. I haven't reminded him will be his reason for not doing it. It's on his calendar which is on the end table... that he refuses to look it.
Perhaps another dinner out for hubby and I. He has been working so much I have hardly seen him this last week or so, so we could do with the one on one time.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
This blog caught my attention and I'm loving it: Behind The Walls
A couple of articles in particular that I really liked are: "Why a fear of labels can cause more damage then calling it like it is" and "The dangers of 'coddling' a child who lives with a serious mental illness. Five ways to be supportive instead".
Another site that I came across is: Empowering Parents
3 Parenting styles that undermine your authority
The Jekyll and Hyde Child
I have read and reread articles on keeping boundaries in place and keeping to the rules even more so when dealing with ADHD and/or ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). Still I let them slip...
Saturday night I didn't stop him from sleeping on the sofa. Maybe one day I will learn... We had a good dinner. The chicken turned out good. Hubby again had to go snow plowing and left early evening. Around 9 or 10 I suggested to my son that he take an Olanzapine to knock out the voices and to get a good nights sleep as he hadn't slept much the night before and was up all day. He surprisingly easily agreed and went and took one and his Invega. Then dragged his blanket out to the sofa... I tidied up his room and fixed up his bed and told him to go to bed and watch his tablet or something. He went to bed and I went to read in bed.
Within about 15 minutes I could hear him almost hysterically laughing. I went to check on him as for a minute I wondered if he was crying... No he was laughing. I again suggested he watch something on his tablet as he wasn't helping himself by putting so much attention into the voices. I told him that if he continued to do so that he may make it worse and possibly bring on tactile hallucination which I know he doesn't like. He did start playing a game on it. For about 10 minutes... Then he was dragging his blanket out to the sofa again stating he was going to watch TV. I reminded him that he wasn't sleeping on the sofa.
I dosed off for a bit and woke up I think around 11:30. Of course he is asleep on the sofa. I wake him up and he states: I'm going to sleep here tonight. No you are not. Hubby wasn't home but he would need the sofa when he got home since that is where he sleeps now due to his restless legs being so bad. I nicely shooed him off to bed. My hubby's pillow was soaked with my son's sweat. I'm sure the sofa was too. So I took off the pillow case and went hunting for another one. Didn't find one ;)
My son got up around 11:30 today. I asked: How did you sleep? Good. Then I asked: How are the voices? I guess today that question wasn't ok again. I got told it was none of my business. This time I let him know that that comment pissed me off. I didn't yell or anything like that however I did calmly tell him that he had pissed me off. That he is my business and so is his mental health. If he is not my business than he can call disability today and straighten out his file since he is on it due to his mental health which is none of my business. Then I went for a smoke. Sadly I'm smoking more lately...
A little while later he decides to tell me that he has no entities and that the they are voices now and aren't real. I had to ask him: Now was that so hard? Reality is he probably wants me to call disability for him.
Several hours later I brought up to him about sleeping on the sofa and that he had slept on my hubby's pillow and soaked it with sweat. He insists he didn't sleep on the sofa... He started bringing out the room and board contract we had signed stating I couldn't do... I pulled it out and read it. Along with the things he is supposed to be doing per the contract and isn't. It was starting to turn into a disagreement so I finally said: If you don't want to acknowledge it then that's ok. And I started putting my stuff on to go out for another smoke!
I'm not sure where the verbal outburst came from but it came... I got called a string of derogatory comments and swore at. So many I couldn't count them. I calmly walked over to where the wireless internet is and unplugged it stating: Well you have lost the internet for a while. (Rule is one day for each offense so I think around 10?) He calmly got up and left for a smoke. Now the tell-tale sign that my son was in complete control over what he was saying was the fact that when he left he very quietly closed the front door. The way he had talked to me was on purpose.
Shortly after his case worker showed up with his Invega. I gave her a quick rundown. She tried to talk to him and he laughed it off, said it was funny that he called me what he did. Then he tried asking for Ativan. Could he get it if he went to the hospital? She said not likely that his psychiatrist won't prescribe it and it's on his file at the hospital that he is benzo seeking.
I did discuss with his case worker then I'm really believing that the Olanzapine is bringing out aggression in my son. This is probably the 3rd time that I have seen him become more aggressive after taking it. Everyone says it shouldn't... Tell that to my son ;) Don't get me wrong as I do believe he was in control and that it is behavioral just being fueled by something. Either the Olanzapine or voices... Yet the Olanzapine seems to knock out the voices so that would even more point to the fact that his behavior is not schizophrenia related. I'm seriously on the fence with the Olanzapine. Knock out voices vs. apparently causing aggression.
I did bring up perhaps upping his Invega due to the brief conversation my son and I had Sunday morning about the fact that he shouldn't have to be killing entities in his head like he was. He stated he liked doing it... laughing at her. Finally I just said to his worker that he doesn't appear to be stable enough to be having this conversation. Although I would bet a paycheck (if I had one) on the fact that he made it appear worse to strengthen his case on needing/wanting benzos. She is going to talk to his team about his behavior and see what they have to say. She may also be scheduling him an appointment with his psychiatrist as he is due and discussed having him participate in some of the groups and activities. One of them being swimming on Mondays. She thinks he needs out more. I agree.
He is supposed to make dinner tonight. We had spoken about that this morning. Before the disagreement ;). Hubby is now home and it's dinner time. I haven't reminded him will be his reason for not doing it. It's on his calendar which is on the end table... that he refuses to look it.
Perhaps another dinner out for hubby and I. He has been working so much I have hardly seen him this last week or so, so we could do with the one on one time.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Tactile Hallucinations and Behavioral Issues
Monday as my son and I were getting ready to take the car down for the emissions testing he asked me how he could stop 'them' from attacking him. Them being his voices or entities. They had been attacking his privates the night before. I explained to him that these are what is called tactile hallucinations. I had read about this type of thing happening on the schizophrenia.com forum so I wasn't taken off guard when he asked about it. I told him that that are a lot of different types of hallucinations and he says that he has experienced several of them. Wikipedia has a list: Wikipedia - Hallucinations.
While we were waiting for the car, I logged into the forum on my phone and showed him some posts from other people who have experienced this. I created him an account a little while ago as I want him to be able to start understanding and knowing that he is not alone in what he is experiencing. So far he has not used it that I'm aware of. I don't know if this helped him or not.
I told my son that I'm glad that he is finally reaching a point where he is able to consider that what he is experiencing is schizophrenia symptoms. He wants my help to spiritually deal with what he is going through. What he is going through is NOT spiritual. It's manifestations of his symptoms. Wanting to get the government involved or create a government to rule the world is a grandiose delusion. There is no one government that rules the world. I know that it must be hard to accept the idea that what seems so real is part of a disease and that his brain is 'playing tricks on him'.
How do we stop it? I'm not sure why he is believing that it can't be stopped. I have reminded him several times that we know that it can be stopped because he has been positive and negative symptom free of schizophrenia, so it is obviously possible. Before the Adderall in June, 2014 my son was symptom free or in remission. It IS possible providing he be medication compliant and stay away from marijuana.
The good thing that seems to have come from him experiencing this is that he is now taking his Invega and Olanzapine as prescribed.
For the longest time I didn't discuss my son's schizophrenia with him. Recently I have not been so guarded about that and I do discuss his schizophrenia as matter-of-factly as I can. It's a pretty big elephant in the room that can't be ignored. We have gone through phases where my son would get mad if I even mentioned his schizophrenia to being mad that I never ask him about it... Typical no win situation :)
Yesterday after he got up I asked him how he was? Good. How he slept? Good. Then I asked him if he had experienced any more tactile hallucinations? No. How are the entities, are they bothering you? This last question was I guess too much... Why are you asking?! I see this sometimes on the forum. My parents don't understand. My mom never asks me about my schizophrenia. My dad never asks me about me. Seriously talk about no win scenarios. We are judged either way. If we mention symptoms than we are being mean or rude. If we don't mention or ask then we are being uncaring and don't understand. We can only understand what one helps us to understand. We are not telepathic, we don't have crystal balls and we are not psychic. Sorry we are just human beings.
This is random... The other day I was thinking about how heavy my purse was. Aside from normal purse items I have been carrying around several different medications and supplements that I don't want being abused. I had my son's Neurotin and my hubby's Concerta that I haven't taken back for disposal at the pharmacy , 2 bottles of 5-HTP and sometimes I have my son's other medications and even my own sleeping pills if I'm concerned about him being suicidal. My son had also cut up his Trazodone into quarters that he had in his jacket in a sandwich baggy that I took out yesterday and put in my purse for disposal at the pharmacy along with the Lithium. I can't imagine what explaining I would have to do to a police officer if he pulled me over and went through my purse! Do a urine test, blood test, hair sample test... I swear Officer I'm not abusing all these!
I have blogged before about how I get upset when I'm being told that my son's actions are behavioral. I have been trying to give this some serious thought and perhaps there is some truth in this observation. It would be nice if I could chalk up all my son's actions to schizophrenia and/or related disorders however that may not always be the case. There are confabulations or lies without the intention to deceive. My son outright tells lies and knows that he is lying. There is breaks with reality and delusional thinking. My son knows when he is manipulating people. Losing control while experiencing psychosis and symptoms. My son will threaten me with losing control when I don't give him what he wants. These things are behavioral and are things that he does have a choice in doing or not.
He is not liking that I won't buy him more cigarettes. When I told him that he should be grateful for what he is being provided his response was that he would be grateful for more... Somehow he missed the idea behind being grateful. Yesterday he started again about me buying him more tobacco for the tobacco pipe I got him for Christmas. Why did I get it for him if I wasn't going to buy him more tobacco? When I tried to talk and reply he cut me off and wouldn't let me talk. Then he went into how it is stronger tobacco and how it is furthering his addiction, all reasons that I have been telling him to be careful with it and not overdue it. So because I'm not buying him more then he is going to go through withdrawal, become cranky and I will have to deal with it... I had to laugh as I replied: Because your such a joy to be around now. He didn't like that and went out to smoke his pipe. This isn't schizophrenia or ADHD... It's my son trying to manipulate me. A side note to this is the tobacco I'm having to clean up after him where he is dumping his pipe all over the step and walkway coming into the building.
A little while later I said to him: This is why I want you in a group home because here you are just take, take, take and you give nothing in return. It's like you have no respect or consideration for anything or anyone. He looked me straight in the eyes and said: You're right, I don't. Yes I know. Just because you are my son and I love you that doesn't mean that I don't see.
He has asked about doing chores for money for tobacco... If he is capable of doing chores then he should be doing them and no I'm not going to pay him for doing them. Of course that means he won't do them or anything else for that matter because why should he do anything for anyone else? It must be hard for him to deal with people who don't think the sun shines out of his butt ;)
A worker from PACT dropped off more Invega yesterday. She had called my son before she came and let him know that she was on her way. When she showed up my son refused to even sit up on the sofa... When she left I told him that that was a little bit rude. My son is not above knowing or learning courtesy and manners. Someone was doing something for him and yes he should at least acknowledge it and put forth some effort to be polite. He said that it wasn't rude because he wasn't trying to be rude. I told him to remember that the next time he is accusing me of being rude because that is something I have never tried to be.
So we butted heads yesterday over him lying on the sofa all day. I have asked him repeatedly to not treat the living room like a bedroom. He needs to put forth some effort to do something, anything other then lying around doing nothing all day and then being up, keeping everyone else awake until all hours in the morning. The night before he kept waking my husband up until after 1:30 when he has to get up for work at 5. Last night it was until after 12.
My son tells me yesterday that he doesn't want to ever see me lying down on the sofa. Really! The fact that he even thinks that he is justified or has the right to tell me what I can or can not do with or on my furniture in my living room... Yes I know it's his living room too. Actually it's not. He's allowed to use because me and my hubby say that he can.
After dinner he starts again. How can he watch TV if he can't relax on the sofa? There is a difference between relaxing or reclining and all out lying down. Again I'm being told that I should let him rearrange the living room. No. Well he is not some dog that... I don't recall the rest of that. Finally I said to him that he is 20 years old and to stop acting like he is 5. Well he is going to act like he is 2 or 3 and have temper tantrums. That's fine, children who are having temper tantrums need to be in their room so please go there. No! My husband asked him to go to his room. No! If we want him to move then we will have to drag him off the sofa... Hubby and I went to our room as the living room was so full of his attitude that we didn't want to be there. Twenty minutes later guess where he is... In his room sitting on a bed that he says is a piece of shit, on a laptop that we bought using internet that we are paying for.
What irks me is this. Why are we the parents the ones that are providing the home and usually everything else, the ones that have to hide in our rooms? I think back to my own childhood. The idea of treating anything that my parents gave or provided me with, with such disrespect... Privacy? I never expected it as long as I was living under my parents roof. If I wanted to act and do as I pleased then I needed to move out. If I wanted respect then I had to give respect. I didn't get paid for chores. I did them because it was expected that I contribute. No negotiations. There was no expectations that my parents provide me with any luxuries. I certainly didn't think that I had the right to tell my parents what to do...
My son has no idea what it can be like out there in the real world. He has never been literally 'out on the street'. I have. I know what it's like to walk around most of the night, in the winter, not knowing where I was going to sleep and being hungry. I ended up on someone's dirty sofa, watching my 'friend' eat while my stomach growled. Trust me after one night I was thankful for the warm bed in my mother's house, for food to eat and yes even chores to do.
I know that this all has to stop. If my son was in active psychosis then I would not hold him accountable for his actions however he is stable enough to be held accountable. He is aware of what he is doing and saying. To be blunt, he is being a disrespectful self-indulgent brat and I'm done rewarding this behavior. I know that my husband should be able to get a reasonable night sleep for work. I have considered the idea of giving my husband my son's room. This may sound harsh but seriously... My son doesn't appreciate the bed as it's a piece of shit, he doesn't want to use the room except to masturbate or for privacy when calling his Nana, he wants to sleep and/or lie on the sofa in the living room 24/7.
I have some thinking to do...
Mom
BarbieBF
While we were waiting for the car, I logged into the forum on my phone and showed him some posts from other people who have experienced this. I created him an account a little while ago as I want him to be able to start understanding and knowing that he is not alone in what he is experiencing. So far he has not used it that I'm aware of. I don't know if this helped him or not.
I told my son that I'm glad that he is finally reaching a point where he is able to consider that what he is experiencing is schizophrenia symptoms. He wants my help to spiritually deal with what he is going through. What he is going through is NOT spiritual. It's manifestations of his symptoms. Wanting to get the government involved or create a government to rule the world is a grandiose delusion. There is no one government that rules the world. I know that it must be hard to accept the idea that what seems so real is part of a disease and that his brain is 'playing tricks on him'.
How do we stop it? I'm not sure why he is believing that it can't be stopped. I have reminded him several times that we know that it can be stopped because he has been positive and negative symptom free of schizophrenia, so it is obviously possible. Before the Adderall in June, 2014 my son was symptom free or in remission. It IS possible providing he be medication compliant and stay away from marijuana.
The good thing that seems to have come from him experiencing this is that he is now taking his Invega and Olanzapine as prescribed.
For the longest time I didn't discuss my son's schizophrenia with him. Recently I have not been so guarded about that and I do discuss his schizophrenia as matter-of-factly as I can. It's a pretty big elephant in the room that can't be ignored. We have gone through phases where my son would get mad if I even mentioned his schizophrenia to being mad that I never ask him about it... Typical no win situation :)
Yesterday after he got up I asked him how he was? Good. How he slept? Good. Then I asked him if he had experienced any more tactile hallucinations? No. How are the entities, are they bothering you? This last question was I guess too much... Why are you asking?! I see this sometimes on the forum. My parents don't understand. My mom never asks me about my schizophrenia. My dad never asks me about me. Seriously talk about no win scenarios. We are judged either way. If we mention symptoms than we are being mean or rude. If we don't mention or ask then we are being uncaring and don't understand. We can only understand what one helps us to understand. We are not telepathic, we don't have crystal balls and we are not psychic. Sorry we are just human beings.
This is random... The other day I was thinking about how heavy my purse was. Aside from normal purse items I have been carrying around several different medications and supplements that I don't want being abused. I had my son's Neurotin and my hubby's Concerta that I haven't taken back for disposal at the pharmacy , 2 bottles of 5-HTP and sometimes I have my son's other medications and even my own sleeping pills if I'm concerned about him being suicidal. My son had also cut up his Trazodone into quarters that he had in his jacket in a sandwich baggy that I took out yesterday and put in my purse for disposal at the pharmacy along with the Lithium. I can't imagine what explaining I would have to do to a police officer if he pulled me over and went through my purse! Do a urine test, blood test, hair sample test... I swear Officer I'm not abusing all these!
I have blogged before about how I get upset when I'm being told that my son's actions are behavioral. I have been trying to give this some serious thought and perhaps there is some truth in this observation. It would be nice if I could chalk up all my son's actions to schizophrenia and/or related disorders however that may not always be the case. There are confabulations or lies without the intention to deceive. My son outright tells lies and knows that he is lying. There is breaks with reality and delusional thinking. My son knows when he is manipulating people. Losing control while experiencing psychosis and symptoms. My son will threaten me with losing control when I don't give him what he wants. These things are behavioral and are things that he does have a choice in doing or not.
He is not liking that I won't buy him more cigarettes. When I told him that he should be grateful for what he is being provided his response was that he would be grateful for more... Somehow he missed the idea behind being grateful. Yesterday he started again about me buying him more tobacco for the tobacco pipe I got him for Christmas. Why did I get it for him if I wasn't going to buy him more tobacco? When I tried to talk and reply he cut me off and wouldn't let me talk. Then he went into how it is stronger tobacco and how it is furthering his addiction, all reasons that I have been telling him to be careful with it and not overdue it. So because I'm not buying him more then he is going to go through withdrawal, become cranky and I will have to deal with it... I had to laugh as I replied: Because your such a joy to be around now. He didn't like that and went out to smoke his pipe. This isn't schizophrenia or ADHD... It's my son trying to manipulate me. A side note to this is the tobacco I'm having to clean up after him where he is dumping his pipe all over the step and walkway coming into the building.
A little while later I said to him: This is why I want you in a group home because here you are just take, take, take and you give nothing in return. It's like you have no respect or consideration for anything or anyone. He looked me straight in the eyes and said: You're right, I don't. Yes I know. Just because you are my son and I love you that doesn't mean that I don't see.
He has asked about doing chores for money for tobacco... If he is capable of doing chores then he should be doing them and no I'm not going to pay him for doing them. Of course that means he won't do them or anything else for that matter because why should he do anything for anyone else? It must be hard for him to deal with people who don't think the sun shines out of his butt ;)
A worker from PACT dropped off more Invega yesterday. She had called my son before she came and let him know that she was on her way. When she showed up my son refused to even sit up on the sofa... When she left I told him that that was a little bit rude. My son is not above knowing or learning courtesy and manners. Someone was doing something for him and yes he should at least acknowledge it and put forth some effort to be polite. He said that it wasn't rude because he wasn't trying to be rude. I told him to remember that the next time he is accusing me of being rude because that is something I have never tried to be.
So we butted heads yesterday over him lying on the sofa all day. I have asked him repeatedly to not treat the living room like a bedroom. He needs to put forth some effort to do something, anything other then lying around doing nothing all day and then being up, keeping everyone else awake until all hours in the morning. The night before he kept waking my husband up until after 1:30 when he has to get up for work at 5. Last night it was until after 12.
My son tells me yesterday that he doesn't want to ever see me lying down on the sofa. Really! The fact that he even thinks that he is justified or has the right to tell me what I can or can not do with or on my furniture in my living room... Yes I know it's his living room too. Actually it's not. He's allowed to use because me and my hubby say that he can.
After dinner he starts again. How can he watch TV if he can't relax on the sofa? There is a difference between relaxing or reclining and all out lying down. Again I'm being told that I should let him rearrange the living room. No. Well he is not some dog that... I don't recall the rest of that. Finally I said to him that he is 20 years old and to stop acting like he is 5. Well he is going to act like he is 2 or 3 and have temper tantrums. That's fine, children who are having temper tantrums need to be in their room so please go there. No! My husband asked him to go to his room. No! If we want him to move then we will have to drag him off the sofa... Hubby and I went to our room as the living room was so full of his attitude that we didn't want to be there. Twenty minutes later guess where he is... In his room sitting on a bed that he says is a piece of shit, on a laptop that we bought using internet that we are paying for.
What irks me is this. Why are we the parents the ones that are providing the home and usually everything else, the ones that have to hide in our rooms? I think back to my own childhood. The idea of treating anything that my parents gave or provided me with, with such disrespect... Privacy? I never expected it as long as I was living under my parents roof. If I wanted to act and do as I pleased then I needed to move out. If I wanted respect then I had to give respect. I didn't get paid for chores. I did them because it was expected that I contribute. No negotiations. There was no expectations that my parents provide me with any luxuries. I certainly didn't think that I had the right to tell my parents what to do...
My son has no idea what it can be like out there in the real world. He has never been literally 'out on the street'. I have. I know what it's like to walk around most of the night, in the winter, not knowing where I was going to sleep and being hungry. I ended up on someone's dirty sofa, watching my 'friend' eat while my stomach growled. Trust me after one night I was thankful for the warm bed in my mother's house, for food to eat and yes even chores to do.
I know that this all has to stop. If my son was in active psychosis then I would not hold him accountable for his actions however he is stable enough to be held accountable. He is aware of what he is doing and saying. To be blunt, he is being a disrespectful self-indulgent brat and I'm done rewarding this behavior. I know that my husband should be able to get a reasonable night sleep for work. I have considered the idea of giving my husband my son's room. This may sound harsh but seriously... My son doesn't appreciate the bed as it's a piece of shit, he doesn't want to use the room except to masturbate or for privacy when calling his Nana, he wants to sleep and/or lie on the sofa in the living room 24/7.
I have some thinking to do...
Mom
BarbieBF
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Another waiting game
I think it's just a matter of time before my son is inpatient again.
He has been off the Lithium for five days and off Trazodone for four days and it's been four days since his Invega shot was due. He has been taken his Olanzapine at night.
I don't know why or what instigated him just asking me this however he just asked me if I still had his knives. He hasn't asked or spoken about them since September so I'm pretty leery about why he is asking for them now. It honestly sucks when you don't know if you should be afraid of your own son or not. I tense when he walks behind me. *breathe* He is cutting his Trazodone pills into four pieces, he said it is so that he doesn't take too much. I said no to having his knives. His response was that I need to compensate him for them. Consider them compensation for the plane tickets and everything else that I have been paying for for the past month or so. The standard, default answer to kick him out... I told him that I wasn't going to have that conversation so he replied that maybe he should take away my computer.
So here I am, not saying anything because to respond or try to be rational with him at this point is pretty useless. I think my nerves are shot. For the past three days? he has been doing very little. I don't know why, if he is doing it on purpose or not, however I can hear him breathing from across the room. Or wheezing may be a better word, breathing through his nose. Yes it's my nerves, because seriously, listening to it is very much getting on them. I think I made the mistake of asking him one day if he was doing it on purpose. If it bothers me my son is will do it...
Another mistake I may have made was try to discuss with him why he wanted to go off the Lithium. Since he lives with me I know how much time he spends masturbating which he very much likes to do and I have noticed that since on the Invega Sustenna that it had basically stopped (a possible side-affect). So I asked him if the reason he wanted off the Lithium was because he thought that it might be causing this even though he has been on it for two years with no issue. I told him that it's the not Lithium causing this, that is was probably the Invega. Yah, not that smart of me. Granted it may not have made a difference one way or the other as once my son gets it in his head to do something there doesn't appear to be anything I can do to stop him.
Yesterday I walked by his room and he was masturbating with his door open. I think he was at it for a good twenty minutes. Other then to watch porn he has not been on the laptop for probably a week now.
If you were to ask my son how he is doing? He would say good, that he has been relaxing, watching TV and going to bed reasonably. The truth is a bit different. If he is sitting/lying in the living room with the TV on than he will say that he is watching TV. He isn't. Ask him what he is watching or what it is about? I only have basic cable now and the weather channel can't be that entertaining for hours at a time ;) Relaxing... Heavy breathing while he is lost in his own head-space as I call it. Going to bed... Sometime between 1-3 when I get up and interrupt him 'relaxing' or ask him to go to bed. It took me about three days to get him in the shower as it had been over two weeks. Finally succeeded as with hubby's help we made it shower day for everyone!
He is eating dinner and snacking so that is good. He hasn't lost his appetite although I can see it starting to slip some. I can tell based on the number of messes that I'm having to pick up. Putting the water jug back in the fridge or anything else after using it is not currently a part of his reality. I did tell him yesterday that if he has the energy to masturbate for twenty minutes then he should have enough energy to pick up a piece of garbage. Considering the amount of 'exercise' he can get doing this, he should be doing all the heavy lifting around here ;)
I just had a conversation with him about the conversation that I had with his Nana last. I had no idea that he has apparently been calling her for weeks about going out there, that there is a lot of yelling going on here and that he doesn't like my hubby... According to my son he hasn't been saying any of this. He did acknowledge that being able to masturbate may be why he wanted off the medications that he does like to do it. He doesn't want to be sick however he does want to do this and he does like psychosis.
I had talked to him on Tuesday about the fact that I had been accepted for the townhouse. Yah! And that I didn't think that I wanted him to move with me under the current circumstance. I went over the contract that he signed with me stating that he has not been doing anything that he agreed on. It was my fault for not reminding him or making him do these things and that he has his own problems to deal with. When I asked what those problems were I got told that they were none of my business. The conversation pretty much ended there.
Like I just told my son, if he wants to be psychotic that is his choice. He still has to accept responsibility for his own life, his schizophrenia and the choices that he is making. I'm not going to pretend like it's not there or that he is not being delusional in his thinking or that the road he is choosing to go down is one that I will support. I will not support him manipulating me or his Nana and causing conflicts between us that are not helping anyone including him. He wants to run away and bury himself in marijuana and/or alcohol. Last night he wanted to go to his friends. I checked his messages this morning and they had been discussing having a couple of beers. One message was: About the drinking thing did you mean tonight? Marijuana has usually been a part of these scenarios.
Again he asked about me not taking my portion of his disability check when he gets it. How is he supposed to get his own place without money? First he has to put forth an effort to get a place. Why would I agree to hand him over money for a place to live when he isn't even trying to find one? We all know where that money well go. Besides if he goes into a group home than disability will pay the group home directly so he won't have to worry about it. He needs to work with PACT and disability to make this happen.
His case worker should be here shortly. She apparently has oral Invega for him. Maybe if he had this 2-3 weeks ago we wouldn't be here? That could be wishful thinking on my part :). Not sure who is paying for them however I told her that I can't. She has been in contact with disability and is giving them a hard time about the drug card. My son said that he will discuss medications with her when she arrives. Guess where he is again? ;)
It looks like we have bought a car! Did I tell you that the motor is going, again, in our car? I had to transfer $1300 from my line of credit today to pay for the car and it's safety etc. Our rent will be going up over $400 a month plus heat which is electric. My son said to me yesterday: Since you are moving and will have more money can you buy me a plane ticket? Hrm... Laugh, cry... anxiety meds!? :) I took a sleeping pill the night before last and it did nothing. Last night I took another which I don't usually do as they can be very addicting but I slept for over four hours! Score one for me :)
His case worker just left. He has agreed to 'try' the oral Invega but will stop them if he doesn't think they are working. He is ok with the side affects of not taking or going off medications cold turkey. She gave him a one week supply of samples so hopefully by next week the disability/drug card thing will be straightened out. He tried to tell her that his Nana is buying him a plane ticket so that he doesn't have to be in a shelter again. Grrr... I'm not sending him to a shelter right now. It's not an all or nothing situation or at least it shouldn't be. I said no that Nana is not buying him a ticket right now. He then agreed to sign forms for a group home. It's ridiculous that he thinks well enough to play on Nana's emotions like this yet can't think to put away a water jug. I asked her to check into the one that has less restrictions and he doesn't have to be out Mon-Fri 9-?. Still onsite support every day just not 24/7.
I guess I should go and perhaps message his friend since my son just brought up going over there to drink. He deserves it... I told him that alcohol and marijuana well probably have him in the hospital by Saturday. It's a sin for me to put him in the hospital you know? I'm not putting him in the hospital, he is putting himself there so he needs to discuss this sin with himself!
Mom
BarbieBF
He has been off the Lithium for five days and off Trazodone for four days and it's been four days since his Invega shot was due. He has been taken his Olanzapine at night.
I don't know why or what instigated him just asking me this however he just asked me if I still had his knives. He hasn't asked or spoken about them since September so I'm pretty leery about why he is asking for them now. It honestly sucks when you don't know if you should be afraid of your own son or not. I tense when he walks behind me. *breathe* He is cutting his Trazodone pills into four pieces, he said it is so that he doesn't take too much. I said no to having his knives. His response was that I need to compensate him for them. Consider them compensation for the plane tickets and everything else that I have been paying for for the past month or so. The standard, default answer to kick him out... I told him that I wasn't going to have that conversation so he replied that maybe he should take away my computer.
So here I am, not saying anything because to respond or try to be rational with him at this point is pretty useless. I think my nerves are shot. For the past three days? he has been doing very little. I don't know why, if he is doing it on purpose or not, however I can hear him breathing from across the room. Or wheezing may be a better word, breathing through his nose. Yes it's my nerves, because seriously, listening to it is very much getting on them. I think I made the mistake of asking him one day if he was doing it on purpose. If it bothers me my son is will do it...
Another mistake I may have made was try to discuss with him why he wanted to go off the Lithium. Since he lives with me I know how much time he spends masturbating which he very much likes to do and I have noticed that since on the Invega Sustenna that it had basically stopped (a possible side-affect). So I asked him if the reason he wanted off the Lithium was because he thought that it might be causing this even though he has been on it for two years with no issue. I told him that it's the not Lithium causing this, that is was probably the Invega. Yah, not that smart of me. Granted it may not have made a difference one way or the other as once my son gets it in his head to do something there doesn't appear to be anything I can do to stop him.
Yesterday I walked by his room and he was masturbating with his door open. I think he was at it for a good twenty minutes. Other then to watch porn he has not been on the laptop for probably a week now.
If you were to ask my son how he is doing? He would say good, that he has been relaxing, watching TV and going to bed reasonably. The truth is a bit different. If he is sitting/lying in the living room with the TV on than he will say that he is watching TV. He isn't. Ask him what he is watching or what it is about? I only have basic cable now and the weather channel can't be that entertaining for hours at a time ;) Relaxing... Heavy breathing while he is lost in his own head-space as I call it. Going to bed... Sometime between 1-3 when I get up and interrupt him 'relaxing' or ask him to go to bed. It took me about three days to get him in the shower as it had been over two weeks. Finally succeeded as with hubby's help we made it shower day for everyone!
He is eating dinner and snacking so that is good. He hasn't lost his appetite although I can see it starting to slip some. I can tell based on the number of messes that I'm having to pick up. Putting the water jug back in the fridge or anything else after using it is not currently a part of his reality. I did tell him yesterday that if he has the energy to masturbate for twenty minutes then he should have enough energy to pick up a piece of garbage. Considering the amount of 'exercise' he can get doing this, he should be doing all the heavy lifting around here ;)
I just had a conversation with him about the conversation that I had with his Nana last. I had no idea that he has apparently been calling her for weeks about going out there, that there is a lot of yelling going on here and that he doesn't like my hubby... According to my son he hasn't been saying any of this. He did acknowledge that being able to masturbate may be why he wanted off the medications that he does like to do it. He doesn't want to be sick however he does want to do this and he does like psychosis.
I had talked to him on Tuesday about the fact that I had been accepted for the townhouse. Yah! And that I didn't think that I wanted him to move with me under the current circumstance. I went over the contract that he signed with me stating that he has not been doing anything that he agreed on. It was my fault for not reminding him or making him do these things and that he has his own problems to deal with. When I asked what those problems were I got told that they were none of my business. The conversation pretty much ended there.
Like I just told my son, if he wants to be psychotic that is his choice. He still has to accept responsibility for his own life, his schizophrenia and the choices that he is making. I'm not going to pretend like it's not there or that he is not being delusional in his thinking or that the road he is choosing to go down is one that I will support. I will not support him manipulating me or his Nana and causing conflicts between us that are not helping anyone including him. He wants to run away and bury himself in marijuana and/or alcohol. Last night he wanted to go to his friends. I checked his messages this morning and they had been discussing having a couple of beers. One message was: About the drinking thing did you mean tonight? Marijuana has usually been a part of these scenarios.
Again he asked about me not taking my portion of his disability check when he gets it. How is he supposed to get his own place without money? First he has to put forth an effort to get a place. Why would I agree to hand him over money for a place to live when he isn't even trying to find one? We all know where that money well go. Besides if he goes into a group home than disability will pay the group home directly so he won't have to worry about it. He needs to work with PACT and disability to make this happen.
His case worker should be here shortly. She apparently has oral Invega for him. Maybe if he had this 2-3 weeks ago we wouldn't be here? That could be wishful thinking on my part :). Not sure who is paying for them however I told her that I can't. She has been in contact with disability and is giving them a hard time about the drug card. My son said that he will discuss medications with her when she arrives. Guess where he is again? ;)
It looks like we have bought a car! Did I tell you that the motor is going, again, in our car? I had to transfer $1300 from my line of credit today to pay for the car and it's safety etc. Our rent will be going up over $400 a month plus heat which is electric. My son said to me yesterday: Since you are moving and will have more money can you buy me a plane ticket? Hrm... Laugh, cry... anxiety meds!? :) I took a sleeping pill the night before last and it did nothing. Last night I took another which I don't usually do as they can be very addicting but I slept for over four hours! Score one for me :)
His case worker just left. He has agreed to 'try' the oral Invega but will stop them if he doesn't think they are working. He is ok with the side affects of not taking or going off medications cold turkey. She gave him a one week supply of samples so hopefully by next week the disability/drug card thing will be straightened out. He tried to tell her that his Nana is buying him a plane ticket so that he doesn't have to be in a shelter again. Grrr... I'm not sending him to a shelter right now. It's not an all or nothing situation or at least it shouldn't be. I said no that Nana is not buying him a ticket right now. He then agreed to sign forms for a group home. It's ridiculous that he thinks well enough to play on Nana's emotions like this yet can't think to put away a water jug. I asked her to check into the one that has less restrictions and he doesn't have to be out Mon-Fri 9-?. Still onsite support every day just not 24/7.
I guess I should go and perhaps message his friend since my son just brought up going over there to drink. He deserves it... I told him that alcohol and marijuana well probably have him in the hospital by Saturday. It's a sin for me to put him in the hospital you know? I'm not putting him in the hospital, he is putting himself there so he needs to discuss this sin with himself!
Mom
BarbieBF
Friday, December 12, 2014
Have I been played again?
Monday night I lost the battle of keeping my son away from alcohol. He went and got a small bottle of vodka. Not that it did him any good, in fact, it seems to have made things worse and I think he sees that. I asked him yesterday to throw it out as I don't know where it is. He is hiding it somewhere in our apartment building. Mind you I haven't searched his room so for all I know it could be in there.
Wednesday we ended up in emergency and he was formed or sectioned on a 72 hour hold for observation. I don't know if the events leading up to this were real or not. My son was asking for help for what he is going through, which is good, however he was asking for me to allow him to smoke marijuana. Of course I wouldn't agree to this and we ended up discussing benzos. As some of you may be aware I am very much against my son being prescribed these as I have yet to see them do him any good. Still I found myself hesitating and questioning if I should be so strict about them if my son was in a place where he really needed them. He has been wanting Ativan/Lorazepam for awhile now and is more then willing to go to the hospital for symptoms if that means he will get them. He knew that I was relenting and willing to consider it. I was totally caught off guard when he 'opened up' to his case worker on the phone and started talking about what he had been going through for the past 4 or 5 days. My son doesn't open up like that unless he is pretty deep into psychosis and I had not see any signs indicating that he was that psychotic. Still I didn't question and as I listened my heart bleed for him. I fought to keep myself from openly crying as I listened to him talk about how he had been killing spirits and that he had felt suicidal 4 days ago. I was crushed. I felt like both myself and the system were failing my son as here he was opening up and asking for help and we were not giving him what he needed. Later that morning I was advised to take him to the ER as after his case worker had relayed the things that my son had told her, his psychiatrist advised that he needed to be admitted. My son quit happily agreed that he needed to go to the hospital. As I type this I think to myself: Wow, can I be naive!? My son want to go to the hospital... Only if there is a chance to get Ativan. I was thinking with my heart instead of my head.
So I call a cab and off we go. By mid-afternoon he was informed that he was being formed and getting held for observation. His case worker at PACT was sending over a transcript of the things that he had told her. His reaction. Surprised and somewhat upset as according to him he was only there to get Ativan. This is where I'm having trouble. I know that my son was and is experiencing symptoms and voices. I know that he is struggling. I don't know if it is to the extent that he has implied. I have been watching my son and in the past my son's face or more to the point, his eyes have tendency to give away how bad his psychosis is. He will look similar to a combination of over tired and high. His eyes will have a glossed over look. I haven't been seeing this. This time he requested that I be a part of the assessment process. Is it because he thought he had an ally this time in getting Ativan? I hate that I have to question this however when I step back and look at the facts they easily speak for themselves. Other then some excessive foot movement my son was very relaxed throughout the assessment process. He was not showing any signs of extreme duress or agitation. At one point he told a nurse, after me prompting him to be honest, that he had 27 voices. Again my heart bleed, my poor son... Now I can ask myself if he has ever had that many voices? Not that I'm aware of and his answer was so quick, without a thought. He didn't have to think and count them. An indication of truth or lie? I don't know. I can say that he didn't seem to have a problem ignoring them while he spent a significant amount of time on my cell phone looking up a new gaming system that he wanted for being there... Yes I'm naive at times ;) I'm guessing 27 voices would not have allowed that.
Thankfully his psychiatrist sent over instructions that he not be given the Ativan and Haldol that they were going to give him. Instead he received 10 mg of Olanzapine/Zyprexa. Shortly after this I had to leave and had my husband take me to Walmart to get him the Wii u that he had settled on. We are selling the PS4 to help cover the cost of it. Later that night I was getting the phone call: Can you come bring it to me now. Sorry no. We had just gone to bed and my husband had to get up at 2 in the morning to go snow plowing. The next morning I started getting phone calls at 8. Between trying to get the Wii u set up and waiting for a long time for a cab due to bad weather, I finally made it to the hospital around 11 to find out he had been moved to the psychiatric wing. On my way over there I ran into his psychiatrist in the hospital lobby. I asked him what he was planning for my son and let him know that unless he was planning on drastically changing my son's medications that I didn't think he needed to remain in hospital. I did bring up to him my concerns that I have started to question my son's motivates regarding coming to the hospital and that I'm worried he may have exaggerated his symptoms to get Ativan. His psychiatrist was somewhat surprised and said that my son had not asked him for this. No and he won't. My son is more honest with me then he is with his treatment team. He was quit open with me about the fact that he wanted the Ativan and that that is why he was there. Of course he is not going to tell his case worker or his psychiatrist this. He is much smarter then that ;) His psychiatrist did discuss the fact that what he saw when he saw my son didn't support what his case worker had reported. We discussed with my son that he would not be getting a benzo and discussed other medications. He agreed to keep trying the Olanzapine stating that the voices were all gone. Hmmm, 1 dose of Olanzapine got rid of 27 voices in less then 12 hours? His psychiatrist did bring up the Neurontin asking if my son wanted to go back on it. It wasn't said for sure one way or the other however I did start giving it to him yesterday. I will let his team know. Still waiting to hear what is happening with the Olanzapine as the prescription was faxed over to PACT to fill and they haven't gotten back to me yet. It is being prescribed as a prn or as needed up to 2 times a day.
Yesterday was an up and down day. My son and I butted heads when I refused to agree to have my husband drive him around to look at gaming systems. He had decided the Wii u wasn't what he wanted. I got told to F off and he stated that he couldn't live here... Sound familiar? I just calmly said ok and said he needed to call PACT and discuss living arrangements with his case worker. Less then 20 minutes later he was nicely asking me to help him set up the Wii u. I reminded him that he had recently told me to F off and he apologized that he had gotten angry. He has now decided to keep the Wii u! I have tried to talk to him and explain that I'm not sure any gaming system will satisfy him since him feeling like this is part of the schizophrenia. We have been through this so many times. So many items purchased that didn't give him the satisfaction he was looking for.
Last night I don't know what to think of. My husband, after working all day, had to go snow plowing again last night and since my son seemed to be doing good I let him know that I was going to take a sleeping pill if he was ok with that. I actually asked him if he was suicidal and if he would be ok if I did. He said yes. Apparently not. I forget why he woke me up the first time as the sleeping pill affect was pretty strong at that point. The second time was because he had dropped and broke a glass of pop and couldn't clean it up. I somehow muddled through cleaning that up. Not very good it seems considering the glass I picked up this morning. I woke up on my own at 3 and did my best through my sleep haze to talk him into taking his Trazodone and going to bed. I'm not sure what he was doing at this point. The best I can figure is chanting... Yes chanting or spiritually sacramenting entities. He seems to be stuck on the word sacrament, whatever that means to him since I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what the word really means. I think it was 5 when I managed to get him to take his Trazodone which he told my husband who must have gotten home sometime between 3 and 5, that it probably wouldn't help him sleep. How do you know if you haven't tried? This type of reasoning seems to escape my son when he is like this. Anyways he toke it and was asleep when I got up at 7. Thankfully he slept until 1:40 PM and seems to be doing better today.
I don't know what to think. On some levels he is being very odd yet on other levels he seems to be regrouping or recovering. He has been playing the Wii u for the past hour or so and seems to be functioning well enough. His anger moment yesterday was short lived. I did leave a message with his nurse at PACT this morning that I don't think he is on enough antipsychotics. Speaking off, when I saw his psychiatrist at the hospital he said something about the Invega shot having been upped from 75 mg. I think he was thinking about putting my son back on the Clozapine however I talked to his case manager and let her know that I would rather him be tried on oral Invega before going back to the Clozapine. I like what I see with the Invega, it's just that the dosage doesn't seem to be high enough. Hopefully they will take my recommendation. I did just receive a call from the pharmacy letting me know that my son's Olanzapine will be ready tomorrow as they had to order it. I asked how much? $127.82. Awesome! Another call and message to his disability worker letting her know that we have been trying to get a hold of her for over 3 weeks, that my son has signed a consent for her to talk to me and that this prescription needs coverage for tomorrow. I also stated that Ontario Works will not cover him as he has a pending file with them. Fat lot of good it will do but it was worth a try or two or three... You get my point.
On another note. I'm trying to find us another place to live. It would be nice if something went easy for me! I'm hoping! There is not a lot available in our city. I have found 2 townhouse complexes that I'm interested in. One I'm really liking. 3 bedrooms, 1.5 baths, washer and dryer and unfinished basement with 1 parking spot and a back yard. $400 more a month rent however worth it to get us out of here. Plus it's not to far from the mall so maybe I can look there for a part time job once I think my son is stable enough. Another good note. My son is in the shower! He wants to walk to Walmart and exchange the Wii game I got him for another one that is online. I have bread to start so it can rise while we are gone...
Mom
BarbieBF
Wednesday we ended up in emergency and he was formed or sectioned on a 72 hour hold for observation. I don't know if the events leading up to this were real or not. My son was asking for help for what he is going through, which is good, however he was asking for me to allow him to smoke marijuana. Of course I wouldn't agree to this and we ended up discussing benzos. As some of you may be aware I am very much against my son being prescribed these as I have yet to see them do him any good. Still I found myself hesitating and questioning if I should be so strict about them if my son was in a place where he really needed them. He has been wanting Ativan/Lorazepam for awhile now and is more then willing to go to the hospital for symptoms if that means he will get them. He knew that I was relenting and willing to consider it. I was totally caught off guard when he 'opened up' to his case worker on the phone and started talking about what he had been going through for the past 4 or 5 days. My son doesn't open up like that unless he is pretty deep into psychosis and I had not see any signs indicating that he was that psychotic. Still I didn't question and as I listened my heart bleed for him. I fought to keep myself from openly crying as I listened to him talk about how he had been killing spirits and that he had felt suicidal 4 days ago. I was crushed. I felt like both myself and the system were failing my son as here he was opening up and asking for help and we were not giving him what he needed. Later that morning I was advised to take him to the ER as after his case worker had relayed the things that my son had told her, his psychiatrist advised that he needed to be admitted. My son quit happily agreed that he needed to go to the hospital. As I type this I think to myself: Wow, can I be naive!? My son want to go to the hospital... Only if there is a chance to get Ativan. I was thinking with my heart instead of my head.
So I call a cab and off we go. By mid-afternoon he was informed that he was being formed and getting held for observation. His case worker at PACT was sending over a transcript of the things that he had told her. His reaction. Surprised and somewhat upset as according to him he was only there to get Ativan. This is where I'm having trouble. I know that my son was and is experiencing symptoms and voices. I know that he is struggling. I don't know if it is to the extent that he has implied. I have been watching my son and in the past my son's face or more to the point, his eyes have tendency to give away how bad his psychosis is. He will look similar to a combination of over tired and high. His eyes will have a glossed over look. I haven't been seeing this. This time he requested that I be a part of the assessment process. Is it because he thought he had an ally this time in getting Ativan? I hate that I have to question this however when I step back and look at the facts they easily speak for themselves. Other then some excessive foot movement my son was very relaxed throughout the assessment process. He was not showing any signs of extreme duress or agitation. At one point he told a nurse, after me prompting him to be honest, that he had 27 voices. Again my heart bleed, my poor son... Now I can ask myself if he has ever had that many voices? Not that I'm aware of and his answer was so quick, without a thought. He didn't have to think and count them. An indication of truth or lie? I don't know. I can say that he didn't seem to have a problem ignoring them while he spent a significant amount of time on my cell phone looking up a new gaming system that he wanted for being there... Yes I'm naive at times ;) I'm guessing 27 voices would not have allowed that.
Thankfully his psychiatrist sent over instructions that he not be given the Ativan and Haldol that they were going to give him. Instead he received 10 mg of Olanzapine/Zyprexa. Shortly after this I had to leave and had my husband take me to Walmart to get him the Wii u that he had settled on. We are selling the PS4 to help cover the cost of it. Later that night I was getting the phone call: Can you come bring it to me now. Sorry no. We had just gone to bed and my husband had to get up at 2 in the morning to go snow plowing. The next morning I started getting phone calls at 8. Between trying to get the Wii u set up and waiting for a long time for a cab due to bad weather, I finally made it to the hospital around 11 to find out he had been moved to the psychiatric wing. On my way over there I ran into his psychiatrist in the hospital lobby. I asked him what he was planning for my son and let him know that unless he was planning on drastically changing my son's medications that I didn't think he needed to remain in hospital. I did bring up to him my concerns that I have started to question my son's motivates regarding coming to the hospital and that I'm worried he may have exaggerated his symptoms to get Ativan. His psychiatrist was somewhat surprised and said that my son had not asked him for this. No and he won't. My son is more honest with me then he is with his treatment team. He was quit open with me about the fact that he wanted the Ativan and that that is why he was there. Of course he is not going to tell his case worker or his psychiatrist this. He is much smarter then that ;) His psychiatrist did discuss the fact that what he saw when he saw my son didn't support what his case worker had reported. We discussed with my son that he would not be getting a benzo and discussed other medications. He agreed to keep trying the Olanzapine stating that the voices were all gone. Hmmm, 1 dose of Olanzapine got rid of 27 voices in less then 12 hours? His psychiatrist did bring up the Neurontin asking if my son wanted to go back on it. It wasn't said for sure one way or the other however I did start giving it to him yesterday. I will let his team know. Still waiting to hear what is happening with the Olanzapine as the prescription was faxed over to PACT to fill and they haven't gotten back to me yet. It is being prescribed as a prn or as needed up to 2 times a day.
Yesterday was an up and down day. My son and I butted heads when I refused to agree to have my husband drive him around to look at gaming systems. He had decided the Wii u wasn't what he wanted. I got told to F off and he stated that he couldn't live here... Sound familiar? I just calmly said ok and said he needed to call PACT and discuss living arrangements with his case worker. Less then 20 minutes later he was nicely asking me to help him set up the Wii u. I reminded him that he had recently told me to F off and he apologized that he had gotten angry. He has now decided to keep the Wii u! I have tried to talk to him and explain that I'm not sure any gaming system will satisfy him since him feeling like this is part of the schizophrenia. We have been through this so many times. So many items purchased that didn't give him the satisfaction he was looking for.
Last night I don't know what to think of. My husband, after working all day, had to go snow plowing again last night and since my son seemed to be doing good I let him know that I was going to take a sleeping pill if he was ok with that. I actually asked him if he was suicidal and if he would be ok if I did. He said yes. Apparently not. I forget why he woke me up the first time as the sleeping pill affect was pretty strong at that point. The second time was because he had dropped and broke a glass of pop and couldn't clean it up. I somehow muddled through cleaning that up. Not very good it seems considering the glass I picked up this morning. I woke up on my own at 3 and did my best through my sleep haze to talk him into taking his Trazodone and going to bed. I'm not sure what he was doing at this point. The best I can figure is chanting... Yes chanting or spiritually sacramenting entities. He seems to be stuck on the word sacrament, whatever that means to him since I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what the word really means. I think it was 5 when I managed to get him to take his Trazodone which he told my husband who must have gotten home sometime between 3 and 5, that it probably wouldn't help him sleep. How do you know if you haven't tried? This type of reasoning seems to escape my son when he is like this. Anyways he toke it and was asleep when I got up at 7. Thankfully he slept until 1:40 PM and seems to be doing better today.
I don't know what to think. On some levels he is being very odd yet on other levels he seems to be regrouping or recovering. He has been playing the Wii u for the past hour or so and seems to be functioning well enough. His anger moment yesterday was short lived. I did leave a message with his nurse at PACT this morning that I don't think he is on enough antipsychotics. Speaking off, when I saw his psychiatrist at the hospital he said something about the Invega shot having been upped from 75 mg. I think he was thinking about putting my son back on the Clozapine however I talked to his case manager and let her know that I would rather him be tried on oral Invega before going back to the Clozapine. I like what I see with the Invega, it's just that the dosage doesn't seem to be high enough. Hopefully they will take my recommendation. I did just receive a call from the pharmacy letting me know that my son's Olanzapine will be ready tomorrow as they had to order it. I asked how much? $127.82. Awesome! Another call and message to his disability worker letting her know that we have been trying to get a hold of her for over 3 weeks, that my son has signed a consent for her to talk to me and that this prescription needs coverage for tomorrow. I also stated that Ontario Works will not cover him as he has a pending file with them. Fat lot of good it will do but it was worth a try or two or three... You get my point.
On another note. I'm trying to find us another place to live. It would be nice if something went easy for me! I'm hoping! There is not a lot available in our city. I have found 2 townhouse complexes that I'm interested in. One I'm really liking. 3 bedrooms, 1.5 baths, washer and dryer and unfinished basement with 1 parking spot and a back yard. $400 more a month rent however worth it to get us out of here. Plus it's not to far from the mall so maybe I can look there for a part time job once I think my son is stable enough. Another good note. My son is in the shower! He wants to walk to Walmart and exchange the Wii game I got him for another one that is online. I have bread to start so it can rise while we are gone...
Mom
BarbieBF
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
On pins and needles
Due to rain my hubby was home from work yesterday so we all went to see Guardians of the Galaxy. It was pretty much what I thought it would be before I heard that it was a great movie. I think I would probably have enjoyed Maleficent much more. My son seemed more interested in the three Lego figurines I got him at the movie theater, although he did say that he thought it was a good movie. These Lego figurines instigated us making a trip to Walmart for Lego. My son picked out a kit for a house and I picked up a small kit to make a 'power digger' for my hubby since he is in construction and is an heavy machine operator. I actually had fun putting it together and he put it on our night table.
My son had fun putting together his three figurines and moving furniture around looking for the pieces he kept dropping. He had stated that he wanted to put the house together with me however I think sometime in the middle of the night he must have changed his mind...
On Monday one of my son's workers stopped by for a quick visit. I told her that at the moment my son is the least of my concerns however he is still a concern :) He has been doing good. Still sleeping in his own bed, so it's been 10 nights, although I use nights loosely as he doesn't go to bed until sometime between 4 and 6 AM. He is not making as many messes and is attempting to clean up after himself. His room is starting to look like another tornado hit it. He can't seem to manage reaching his garbage can or laundry basket. I had forwarded him an email from the YMCA asking if they should be closing his file with them as they can't keep his file open with no activity or progress to report. I feel that he needs to be the one to respond and take responsibility for the choice to not attend. I don't know if he answered it but I'm guessing that he didn't.
When we did grocery shopping last Sunday my son asked if they had anything in the vitamin section, like a herb, to help him with his anxiety. I have tried in the past to help him with this by getting him an herbal tincture however he abused it so I had to throw it out. I take a lot of supplements and vitamins and have been trying to get him to take them as well however he refuses. He even refuses a multivitamin. He has on several occasions stated that he wants some sort of muscle relaxer. Yes he is still looking for that quick fix. In my opinion it's his nerve system that is causing his muscles to be tense. He is either under or overstimulated or some combination of the two. To treat the symptom and not the cause is not going to help him in the long run. 5-HTP caught my eye and his too. 5-HTP is an amino acid that the body produces naturally and I do believe helps to regulate or produce serotonin which helps to regulate mood. I agreed to let him try it as long as he doesn't abuse it. So far it doesn't appear that he is abusing it. He noticed a couple of hours after taking one that he felt more relaxed. I noticed this too as usually even when he is just sitting/lying on the sofa his foot is in constant motion and that night it wasn't. I am trying not to micromanage him taking his pills however I am counting how many are in the bottles every now and then. I also handed him over his Gabapentin/Neurontin on Friday. The first night 5 went missing. He says he put them in another pill bottle. He seems to be on track with his 100 mg Clozapine however his Invega and Lithium are not adding up. I haven't counted his 25 mg Clozapine.
This morning my son and I butted heads as he was still up when I got up at 5:30. Of course not being particularly coherent myself I triggered his ODD when I told him he needed to take his pills and go to bed. According to my son he doesn't need them and that is why his psychiatrist is weaning him off them because he knows that he doesn't need them. Delusional or manipulative? I don't know. Somehow he pulled his friend into the conversation and it was his friend's fault that he had no friends that his friend treats him like crap... I won't say what else he had to say as I'm pretty sure it was being motivated by negative emotions rather then an honest opinion of his friend. As I said I wasn't being particularly coherent and I managed to hurt his feelings by saying something about me doing what I'm doing because I love him and if he can't see that then there is something wrong with him. I meant this in terms of maturity and I tried to tell him that however he took it to heart. Told me to kick him out because he can't handle being here and he would rather be out on the streets. I told him that I am tired of having to walk on eggshells and monitor everything that I say because he can't handle some truth. I'm not going to kick him out on the streets so that he can use that to manipulate others into feeling sorry for him. If he wants to go then go but I'm not telling him to. I don't know if it was lack of sleep, having not taken his pills yet or something else (psychosis) but his eyes were telling their own story. He did go to sleep a short time later.
As for why I am on pins and needles... I think I have spoken some about my downstairs neighbors and their excessive noise. I don't know if I have spoken about the verbal harassment. Saturday I got a pretty big scare. The lady from that unit tried to forcibly enter my apartment as she thought that I had called mental health services on her and freaked out when they tried to contact her. It turns out a police officer that had attended for my previous noise complaint had contacted them. Accusing me of putting an eviction notice in her mailbox that was obviously from the building management and not me, among other things, made them question her mental health. Long story short this has been going on for some time now and whenever I try to get it to stop I'm being verbally harassed by them and having to deal with physical outbursts like banging on walls and what happened on Saturday. Saturday being the second time she has approached my apartment in an aggressive manner. After me almost losing it in front of a police officer and him seeing how afraid I was, something is finally being done about it. I think the charges will be criminal harassment and mischief, once they arrest her... She has been avoiding being arrested since Sunday. The quiet is somewhat unnerving and not knowing where she is has got me more then a little tense. As grateful as I am that something is being done I'm more afraid to leave my apartment alone then I was before as she and her husband have to be pissed at me. On the bright side, they have both been warned to not communicate with/at me and my family or they could both be facing further charges. So now it's a bit of a waiting game and if she doesn't appear they may have to issue an arrest warrant. Hopefully for her sake it doesn't come to that. In the meantime I'm jumping at every sound in my hallway... *deep breathes*
The YMCA called me a little while ago. I told them to close his file for now since he obviously isn't going to follow through on dealing with this. His nurse also dropped by about an hour ago and he went out to talk to her and grab his Clozapine that PACT picked up for him. I'm waiting for some dough to rise and telling myself that I don't need another cigarette! I have been smoking way to much lately. I think it's time for a herbal tea before I start making dinner.
Mom
BarbieBF
My son had fun putting together his three figurines and moving furniture around looking for the pieces he kept dropping. He had stated that he wanted to put the house together with me however I think sometime in the middle of the night he must have changed his mind...
On Monday one of my son's workers stopped by for a quick visit. I told her that at the moment my son is the least of my concerns however he is still a concern :) He has been doing good. Still sleeping in his own bed, so it's been 10 nights, although I use nights loosely as he doesn't go to bed until sometime between 4 and 6 AM. He is not making as many messes and is attempting to clean up after himself. His room is starting to look like another tornado hit it. He can't seem to manage reaching his garbage can or laundry basket. I had forwarded him an email from the YMCA asking if they should be closing his file with them as they can't keep his file open with no activity or progress to report. I feel that he needs to be the one to respond and take responsibility for the choice to not attend. I don't know if he answered it but I'm guessing that he didn't.
When we did grocery shopping last Sunday my son asked if they had anything in the vitamin section, like a herb, to help him with his anxiety. I have tried in the past to help him with this by getting him an herbal tincture however he abused it so I had to throw it out. I take a lot of supplements and vitamins and have been trying to get him to take them as well however he refuses. He even refuses a multivitamin. He has on several occasions stated that he wants some sort of muscle relaxer. Yes he is still looking for that quick fix. In my opinion it's his nerve system that is causing his muscles to be tense. He is either under or overstimulated or some combination of the two. To treat the symptom and not the cause is not going to help him in the long run. 5-HTP caught my eye and his too. 5-HTP is an amino acid that the body produces naturally and I do believe helps to regulate or produce serotonin which helps to regulate mood. I agreed to let him try it as long as he doesn't abuse it. So far it doesn't appear that he is abusing it. He noticed a couple of hours after taking one that he felt more relaxed. I noticed this too as usually even when he is just sitting/lying on the sofa his foot is in constant motion and that night it wasn't. I am trying not to micromanage him taking his pills however I am counting how many are in the bottles every now and then. I also handed him over his Gabapentin/Neurontin on Friday. The first night 5 went missing. He says he put them in another pill bottle. He seems to be on track with his 100 mg Clozapine however his Invega and Lithium are not adding up. I haven't counted his 25 mg Clozapine.
This morning my son and I butted heads as he was still up when I got up at 5:30. Of course not being particularly coherent myself I triggered his ODD when I told him he needed to take his pills and go to bed. According to my son he doesn't need them and that is why his psychiatrist is weaning him off them because he knows that he doesn't need them. Delusional or manipulative? I don't know. Somehow he pulled his friend into the conversation and it was his friend's fault that he had no friends that his friend treats him like crap... I won't say what else he had to say as I'm pretty sure it was being motivated by negative emotions rather then an honest opinion of his friend. As I said I wasn't being particularly coherent and I managed to hurt his feelings by saying something about me doing what I'm doing because I love him and if he can't see that then there is something wrong with him. I meant this in terms of maturity and I tried to tell him that however he took it to heart. Told me to kick him out because he can't handle being here and he would rather be out on the streets. I told him that I am tired of having to walk on eggshells and monitor everything that I say because he can't handle some truth. I'm not going to kick him out on the streets so that he can use that to manipulate others into feeling sorry for him. If he wants to go then go but I'm not telling him to. I don't know if it was lack of sleep, having not taken his pills yet or something else (psychosis) but his eyes were telling their own story. He did go to sleep a short time later.
As for why I am on pins and needles... I think I have spoken some about my downstairs neighbors and their excessive noise. I don't know if I have spoken about the verbal harassment. Saturday I got a pretty big scare. The lady from that unit tried to forcibly enter my apartment as she thought that I had called mental health services on her and freaked out when they tried to contact her. It turns out a police officer that had attended for my previous noise complaint had contacted them. Accusing me of putting an eviction notice in her mailbox that was obviously from the building management and not me, among other things, made them question her mental health. Long story short this has been going on for some time now and whenever I try to get it to stop I'm being verbally harassed by them and having to deal with physical outbursts like banging on walls and what happened on Saturday. Saturday being the second time she has approached my apartment in an aggressive manner. After me almost losing it in front of a police officer and him seeing how afraid I was, something is finally being done about it. I think the charges will be criminal harassment and mischief, once they arrest her... She has been avoiding being arrested since Sunday. The quiet is somewhat unnerving and not knowing where she is has got me more then a little tense. As grateful as I am that something is being done I'm more afraid to leave my apartment alone then I was before as she and her husband have to be pissed at me. On the bright side, they have both been warned to not communicate with/at me and my family or they could both be facing further charges. So now it's a bit of a waiting game and if she doesn't appear they may have to issue an arrest warrant. Hopefully for her sake it doesn't come to that. In the meantime I'm jumping at every sound in my hallway... *deep breathes*
The YMCA called me a little while ago. I told them to close his file for now since he obviously isn't going to follow through on dealing with this. His nurse also dropped by about an hour ago and he went out to talk to her and grab his Clozapine that PACT picked up for him. I'm waiting for some dough to rise and telling myself that I don't need another cigarette! I have been smoking way to much lately. I think it's time for a herbal tea before I start making dinner.
Mom
BarbieBF
Monday, August 4, 2014
I said I'm sorry.
It was a good and quiet weekend. *knock on wood* Other then Friday night my downstairs neighbor has been quiet. My son went to his friends for the night Friday. There was some alcohol and marijuana use although I'm guessing not too much and he was ready to come home the next day. Saturday hubby and I went to a laundromat to do our laundry as I'm trying to stay away from my downstairs neighbors unit which is right across for the laundry room. I'm trying not to aggravate the whole situation any more then necessary. They have receive their second eviction notice due to my complaints about excess noise. We did grocery shopping then picked up my son. Yesterday (Sunday) hubby dropped me off at my best friends while he went to see his grand-kids. I haven't seen my best friend in two years and it was a good visit. Last night we watched the 1976 movie Sybil. Sybil had Multiple Personality Disorder or what is now known as DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder. My son watched some of it with us although he didn't particularly seem interested in it. He was probably more bored then anything.
I guess it was Friday afternoon when he eventually got up that he asked me if he had fallen asleep on the sofa that morning. I took the opportunity to let him know that I know that he is an adult however as long as he is living under my roof there are and will continue to be consequences to certain behaviors. The next time he sleeps on the sofa then he will lose the internet. Sunday morning I woke up to him asleep on the sofa again. He lost the internet. Last night he asks me if we can talk about it that he is willing to make a pact with me that he won't do it again, can I help him not do it? That he shouldn't be in the living room after a certain time. I asked him how he expected me to do this? Unless I stay up all night I can't stop him from coming into the living room at 2 and 4 o'clock in the morning. He suggested putting a note on the coffee table for him. There has been a list of apartment rules and consequences in the living room for a long time now that he refuses to look at or read since he already knows what they are. He said that since he has said that he is sorry that I should not make him deal with the consequences that that is unfair and unreasonable of me. If I'm going to be like that about it then he is not sorry. He seems to be missing the point of what it means to be sorry. They aren't words to be used to manipulate people, at least they shouldn't be. I remember when he first came to live with me and one time telling me that to say I'm sorry means that you can do it again because you said I'm sorry. He said that taking away the internet won't stop him from sleeping on the sofa. I tried to give him another way to look at it. If I miss work then I don't get paid for that day. I can apologize to my boss, give reasons and say that I'm sorry however I still won't get paid. Being sorry doesn't get me out of the consequences. Guess what? He didn't sleep on the sofa last night!
Just a little while ago he randomly asked me what I was doing and if I was writing my book. No just blogging, I haven't written anything new for my book since January. You're on blogger now? Yes I switched from Tumblr awhile ago as there doesn't seem to be a lot of adults on there. Then he went and brushed his teeth! Then I see him taking dirty dishes out of his room! My hubby had suggested to him last night that perhaps if he cleaned up his room a little bit he would be more comfortable in there. I have stopped going in and cleaning his room and it's a mess! For some reason he dumped all of his dirty laundry in the middle of the room. When I asked him why he said he wanted the floor to feel like it had carpet. Really? Your kidding right?! No not really... This was the day he came back from his friends so sometimes his behavior just isn't going to make sense after smoking weed and drinking. The garbage can is overflowing and there is garbage all over the place. If this is his current level of self-care than it is what it is.
BTW July 30 was my hubby and I's 4th year anniversary of the day we meet. At first I thought it was 3 years. My son said it must be 5. I had to think about it for a bit. For years I always thought we had been together a year longer then we had been. I guess in trying to correct that I over-corrected. While I still remember with clarity the first time I say him, what he said and what I was wearing... A flowered dress. He used to call me his flower girl and sing (I Love) The Flower Girl! It seems a life time ago. We have certainly come a long ways. All my nagging and pushing has paid off! ;)
Mom
BarbieBF
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Wishful thinking, not out of the woods yet.
We may have sidestepped the storm but we are still experiencing some high winds or what I call residual affects. Yesterday he was pretty distracted at the doctor's office and seemed to have difficulty following and concentrating on what the doctor was saying to him. He has been chain smoking cigarettes. He didn't sleep much last night. He did get about 10 hours the night before but last night probably only 2-4 which isn't good after being awake for over 30 hours. He was up at 5 this morning. He did go to school however returned after 2 hours instead of 3 as he was having trouble concentrating. Some smaller things that I am also noticing include the fact that he has been leaving the bathroom door open again when he goes number two and he is somewhat resistant about brushing his teeth and washing his hands before leaving the apartment. After months of making this routine it's noticeable that he asks why I want him to do these things. Morning breathe for one! Then there is reminding him that washing his hands is just good hygiene. He is a functioning male after all, if you get my meaning. He has also had on a pair of sunglasses since 5 this morning. Not sure what that one is all about. He was wearing them yesterday too and I teased him with: It's so bright in here you have to wear shades.
I called his nurse this morning. I needed to let her know that the family doctor didn't have a copy of the ECG results so we couldn't go over them. She will send him a copy. I also asked her if she knew what anxiety treatment had been discussed between my son and one of his workers on Monday. The couple of times that he has brought it up me, he just wasn't making a lot of sense. First he told me that he was done with ADHD medications but that his worker said she was going to look into an alternative. I know that he doesn't want Strattera so that wasn't making sense. He brought it up again this morning referring to it as a supplement. I asked him if he knew what a supplement was as I have been trying to get him to take vitamins and other supplements for a year now and he resists all of them. So supplement was not the right word however he has not been forthcoming with what this alternative treatment or supplement is. He has been approaching it the same way with his main nurse also. What is it? Medical marijuana. Really not all that surprising however I was not thinking it. I really should know better. Where else would my son's mind be after having his addiction and psychosis triggered?
It was somewhat reassuring to have someone else note that my son can be pretty manipulative and he has said things on his own that is raising red flags and letting his nurse, and therefore his pdoc, know that he should not be prescribed stimulants. Within 24 hours of being on the Adderall he was already talking about needing the dose upped and that it was helping him so much with his concentration at school. I fell for that one too however I guess he should not have noticed that big of a difference that quickly. He was saying what he thought we needed to hear. I let his nurse know that I didn't know until after it was prescribed that my son's motivation was in fact what he had read online about it's similarities to speed and that he didn't know until his appointment with his pdoc that he wouldn't be able to crush it. Yes he did admit this to me. She has already let him know that his pdoc will not be prescribing him medical marijuana. As usual I'm a little bemused over how my son approaches things. He discussed getting this with the person he figured would give him the most sympathy as I do believe she is the worker with personal experience with depression and has given him the most sympathy about his anxiety symptoms. In the end they all report back to his pdoc and take my point of view into consideration so I'm never to sure what he is expecting to happen. Wishful thinking I guess.
Another 'symptom' that I have been noticing and perhaps appears to be getting worst is that he has been laughing randomly and somewhat hysterically over nothing except perhaps his own thoughts or things that really are not that funny. Every now and then I hear him giggle when there is nothing funny on TV and nothing else is going on. Just a little while ago he found it extremely funny that I called the iced tea he was making lemonade. As I'm typing this he is in his room laughing. I have heard him laugh like this before and he was in psychosis at the time. He has also been 'playing' with the hamster a little more. In the past when not doing well he has wanted to bread them (we had two at the time) and train them and perhaps create souls in them? I really don't remember exactly what anymore. He did state that the one we have is his companion and will live forever. As I tend to do when things are not adding up and I know that he is wanting to experience certain things, I have searched his room for hidden, not taken, anti-psychotics. I couldn't find any however that does not bring me too much relief at the moment. As hopeful as I was it does not seem that we are out of the woods yet.
2 more days! I made arrangements to have our mail held for 2 weeks. Already submitted the rent cheque. Emailed the YMCA and let them know that my son would not be attending classes for 2 weeks. Have all of his pills. My neighbor said he would watch the hamster so I should talk to him and remind him of that today. Printed the hotel information and other things that we may need to know. I still need to pack. Dress up Barbie time!
Mom
BarbieBF
I called his nurse this morning. I needed to let her know that the family doctor didn't have a copy of the ECG results so we couldn't go over them. She will send him a copy. I also asked her if she knew what anxiety treatment had been discussed between my son and one of his workers on Monday. The couple of times that he has brought it up me, he just wasn't making a lot of sense. First he told me that he was done with ADHD medications but that his worker said she was going to look into an alternative. I know that he doesn't want Strattera so that wasn't making sense. He brought it up again this morning referring to it as a supplement. I asked him if he knew what a supplement was as I have been trying to get him to take vitamins and other supplements for a year now and he resists all of them. So supplement was not the right word however he has not been forthcoming with what this alternative treatment or supplement is. He has been approaching it the same way with his main nurse also. What is it? Medical marijuana. Really not all that surprising however I was not thinking it. I really should know better. Where else would my son's mind be after having his addiction and psychosis triggered?
It was somewhat reassuring to have someone else note that my son can be pretty manipulative and he has said things on his own that is raising red flags and letting his nurse, and therefore his pdoc, know that he should not be prescribed stimulants. Within 24 hours of being on the Adderall he was already talking about needing the dose upped and that it was helping him so much with his concentration at school. I fell for that one too however I guess he should not have noticed that big of a difference that quickly. He was saying what he thought we needed to hear. I let his nurse know that I didn't know until after it was prescribed that my son's motivation was in fact what he had read online about it's similarities to speed and that he didn't know until his appointment with his pdoc that he wouldn't be able to crush it. Yes he did admit this to me. She has already let him know that his pdoc will not be prescribing him medical marijuana. As usual I'm a little bemused over how my son approaches things. He discussed getting this with the person he figured would give him the most sympathy as I do believe she is the worker with personal experience with depression and has given him the most sympathy about his anxiety symptoms. In the end they all report back to his pdoc and take my point of view into consideration so I'm never to sure what he is expecting to happen. Wishful thinking I guess.
Another 'symptom' that I have been noticing and perhaps appears to be getting worst is that he has been laughing randomly and somewhat hysterically over nothing except perhaps his own thoughts or things that really are not that funny. Every now and then I hear him giggle when there is nothing funny on TV and nothing else is going on. Just a little while ago he found it extremely funny that I called the iced tea he was making lemonade. As I'm typing this he is in his room laughing. I have heard him laugh like this before and he was in psychosis at the time. He has also been 'playing' with the hamster a little more. In the past when not doing well he has wanted to bread them (we had two at the time) and train them and perhaps create souls in them? I really don't remember exactly what anymore. He did state that the one we have is his companion and will live forever. As I tend to do when things are not adding up and I know that he is wanting to experience certain things, I have searched his room for hidden, not taken, anti-psychotics. I couldn't find any however that does not bring me too much relief at the moment. As hopeful as I was it does not seem that we are out of the woods yet.
2 more days! I made arrangements to have our mail held for 2 weeks. Already submitted the rent cheque. Emailed the YMCA and let them know that my son would not be attending classes for 2 weeks. Have all of his pills. My neighbor said he would watch the hamster so I should talk to him and remind him of that today. Printed the hotel information and other things that we may need to know. I still need to pack. Dress up Barbie time!
Mom
BarbieBF
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