Sunday, June 15, 2014


I didn't get to blog yesterday morning. I was a little distracted by my downstairs neighbor and her shenanigans. The night before I called the police to lodge a noise complaint as I could feel it in my floor again. That never goes over good with her. They gave her a warning and she threatened to sue them... 10 pm she is banging on the walls, just in case we wanted some sleep. 8 am yesterday morning she decides to put on her stereo with the volume low but I guess the bass turned up so at 8 am my floor is humming and then she goes out until 12, leaving the stereo on. Compared to what I usually have to listen to and what we were privileged to listen to until 4 pm after she came home, the humming was somewhat of a relief. Around 5 pm my hubby was putting together his new night stand and had to hammer 3 nails. By the 2nd nail she's yelling: Keep it down, show some respect, some of us are trying to live here don't you know, I'm calling the cops... Sometimes listening to her is like listening to my son when he is not doing well. I wonder if she realizes that she is admitting that somewhere in her head she recognizes that her own behavior is disrespectful.

My son spent Friday night at his friend's again. Just before he went we butted heads. I'm afraid I lost it on him a little bit. I'm really not liking the Adderall and Monday morning can't come quick enough for me to call PACT and hopefully get him off it. 4 days ago on Wednesday (2nd day of Adderall) when my hubby had picked up my son from school and on Friday, my son is telling us that he is going to have what we would call another break but what he calls his spiritual quest, within the next month, and that there is nothing that we can do to stop it. He needs to do this. He has been writing notes again on his computer. Some of it in code... Not a good sign. On one hand he is telling me that he has gone as far as he can go in his spiritual quest as he has all the answers yet at the same time he needs to have another break... My interpretation would be that he now has more questions. His voices seem to tempt him with the promise of knowledge if he does certain things. I really wish that he could see that this spiritual quest as he calls it only leads to more and more unanswered questions while life keeps passing him by. 4 years of looking for answers that don't exist is not enough? I threatened to video tape his next break. Honestly I'm seriously thinking about doing this. He needs to see what I see when this happens not what his mind makes up to cope with and rationalize something that in my opinion can't be rationalized. I remind him of the fact that he thought that he was a vampire, that he was literally chewing on my fingernails and that he was so distracted by voices that his head looked like it was on a swivel and he could hardly speak or hold a real life conversation. What is spiritual about that? What is spiritual about not eating or sleeping for days and thinking that the devil may be trying to take over your body? So yes I lost it a little bit. Apparently this was causing him to be too stressed and I was pushing him into a break. We have been discussing stress a little bit, since he started the Adderall, stress that he has been experiencing since he was 15. I think what he is calling stress is in fact psychosis. It seems to be how his mind is recognizing it. We picked him up from his friend's yesterday. His mood seems a bit better however I can still see it on his face and around his eyes that he is not doing good. He has a certain look around his eyes when he is experiencing psychosis. It almost looks like being high but is different somehow.

This weekend were we life is a music festival at the local park. Thursday to Sunday, 4 or 5 stages of free bands. Last night was fireworks that I really wanted to see. My mom loved fireworks. Watching them is a happy and a little tearful event for me as I feel like I'm watching them with her. She passed in 2001. We left around 9 and walked down to the park. I got my son out of his track pants and into a pair of jeans. He was fairly distracted most of the time while we were there. You can see it on his face and you can tell that he was having a hard time concentrating on what we were saying to him. Granted the park was packed with people and noise but still I know the signs by now and what I am seeing is not good.

Hubby is waiting for me to make up my mind on what we are going to do today, it's already 11:30! We have been trying to go to a park on Sundays when the weather is good. I spend to much time indoors and hooked up to technology. The fresh air is good for me and I think it is good for my son as well to be away from his computer and out in nature. I think my son was up pretty late again last night. I know he was still up at 2 so I guess I need to find out if he wants to or is able to get up and go out with us today. My hubby needs a new mirror for the shower for shaving and I need to figure out what we need from the grocery store if we are going to go the park today. Decisions decisions... :) I'm thinking we may try out a new park today.

I have been trying to edit the video I took of the fireworks so that my son is not in it however I am having no luck so I only have this pic.


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