Monday, June 16, 2014

The Eye of the Storm?

I couldn't get my son up yesterday so hubby and I went and checked out a new park/picnic area on our own. We had a very nice afternoon of walking the trails, taking pictures and enjoying the fresh air. Got a little sun and I got to sport my prescription sunglasses and new sun hat that I got at the dollar store.

Returned home around 5 to my son just waking up. He isn't supposed to take his Adderall in the afternoon but I left the pill out for him when I went out and he took it when he got up. At first I was thinking that maybe I was overreacting about the Adderall since he seemed much better and his face looked much better so I thought 'Maybe he just needed time to adjust.' I was wrong. By 8 I could see it around his eyes again and he came out of his room and dived right into telling me how he was learning how to control his will. He had told me that he was going to go to bed around 10:30 since he has school the next day. At 11 I reminded him. At 11:38 I entered his room again and got: Yes I know, you don't need to come in here every 2 minutes... I asked what was up with the attitude. Of course this set him off. He was on the Skype with his Nana (Grandmother) and for the next 1.5 hrs I got to listen to him tell a bunch of lies about me. He told her that I was saying things like: Shut your F'ing mouth, I don't want to listen to your spiritual crap... When I called him out on this that it was a lie he asked: Why do you care what she thinks of you? He said that he feels like she is the only one that cares about him and listens to his problems. I said that is because she beliefs all of his lies and bullshit and he agreed. He was telling her that I was calling him psychotic when he was the one telling us that he was going to have a psychotic break. Honestly I'm still pretty hurt and upset. I can deal with and have empathy for a lot of this disease but outright lying and manipulating is not something that I think I should have to accept and certainly not act like it didn't upset me. He knew full well that what he was saying was lies. While I understand that this is being motivated by the Adderall, I still feel that completely disrespecting me and my feelings is a choice since he is not acting like this with other people. He is actually being really polite and respectful with my hubby...

Eventually I got back to sleep around 1 or 2 and I could hear that he was up and down. When I got up this morning at 7:30 he was still up. Asked if he could miss school as he had been up all night. He says that he took his antipsychotics last night which usually helps him to go to sleep. If he did take them and still didn't sleep then I don't think that is a good sign. It's 1 pm now and he still has not gone to sleep. Sounds pretty energetic actually. In fact he just told me that last night he learned how to 'burn off' the affect of his Clozapine so that it didn't make him go to sleep, that he could probably burn off poison. Perhaps a little dramatic but still an indication of where he is at mentally. My husband made him a burger yesterday which is all he had to eat yesterday and he hasn't eaten yet today.

I talked to his nurse this morning and let her know that I'm not giving him any more Adderall. Sometimes I find discussing my son with her a little difficult as she seems to have what I think is a limited understanding of how behavior and symptoms can be linked together. While I agree that my son's behavior is just that, behavioral, I also recognize that it can get triggered by symptoms. When he is not stable then his mood is not stable. She mentioned him not sleeping being a direct result of the Adderall. It's been 20 hours since he took his last one and about 8 + hours since it was in his system since it's shelf life is 8-12 hours. In my opinion it's the triggering of positive symptoms that is stopping him from sleeping. His mind is racing.

I let him know that I had talked to his nurse and that I was not giving him any more Adderall. I just told him that I talked to his nurse and told her what I have been seeing and that she supported me taking him off it. He wanted to know why. I told him there is no point in me trying to explain what I'm seeing because he won't let me anyways that he will cut me off as he doesn't want to hear or see my side. He actually dropped it...

So here we are. Things are calm. Is it the calm before the storm? I don't know. Have I gotten him off the Adderall in time? I don't know. Is he for sure taking his antipsychotics? I don't know. I can't trust that he is when I know he wants to go further into his own head space. One of his worker's is supposed to come by today and see how he is doing. I actually told his nurse that I was tempted for a minute to let him have an Adderall today just so they could see what I see. That look around/in his eyes is pretty hard to miss. I should know more by tomorrow when she talks to his pdoc. I let her know that I would be open to him trying Concerta which is another stimulating ADHD med as long as it doesn't work on dopamine the same way that Adderall does.

Keeping my fingers crossed that we are not in the eye of the storm and that it has in fact narrowly passed us by once again.


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