I got up this morning at 5 to my son sitting at his computer with his sunglasses on. What else can I say about that!? Yes he had been up all night again. Got his pills from the living room where I had left them for him the night before, told him it was 5 o'clock and time to go to bed which thankfully he did. I myself crawled back into bed until my hubby kissed me good-bye a little while later, assuring me that he had made coffee, so I got up and saw him off to work. Perhaps I am PMS'ing still as I had to fight back some tears this morning. Not a usual occurrence for me. Although sometimes I think a good cry would do me some good but I seem unable to let that dam break. Angry tears may sometimes flow but those that may be a reflection of my own internal hurt and frustration are securely locked away perhaps waiting for a time when they can safely be released. I posted an update on me and my son on the Schizophrenia.com forum and was nicely asked by the main admin if I wanted to take a break from being moderator until I can get a more positive state of mind. And I thought I did a good job of keeping my feelings to a minimum... I guess not. I declined. The forum gives me purpose, especially when my own life is not going as planned.
The first thing I did this morning, after my coffee that is, was to e-mail the YMCA and ask them if my son had been asked to not attend. As I suspected the conversation was a little more in depth than that. They had expressed concerns that he is not progressing and offered to have a meeting with both of us which he declined. He does not want to commit to any goal setting and is not working independently or taking advantage of the 1-1 instructing. They did mention another literacy program that may suit him better as it is for people with lower literacy skills. He was not asked to not attend and an interest is being shown in how to motivate him to participate better as at this rate he will be years preparing for his GED. I gave them a little more detail on what has been happening, filling in the 'He's not doing well.' blanks. For now this will have to wait until he is better able to handle it.
I put in a call to his nurse this morning, left her a message and she called me back. I let her know that he is not doing ok. He has not gotten any worse but he is not getting any better. The amount of anti-psychotics that he is on is not cutting it. I feel that she is finally taking me seriously in that even though my son may not be displaying obvious positive symptoms he is still suffering from symptoms of schizophrenia. Maybe that is why I'm finding myself a little choked up. I seem to have been holding onto this misguided idea that maybe just maybe my son was misdiagnosed, since he didn't completely fit into my idea of what schizophrenia is. That if I could just get him over his addiction and keep him clean that the psychosis would fall away. As I said yesterday, I can admit when I'm wrong.
I set up an appointment for his psychiatrist to do a home visit tomorrow morning. I'm guessing that my son will be ok with this since he wants to meet with him too although for a different reason. My son will probably push for a benzo while I will be trying to get another anti-psychotic prescribed since I highly doubt that we will get him to agree to an increase in his Clozapine. Keep your fingers crossed for us that with a little more patience and perseverance I can turn this around.
Mom
BarbieBF
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