I came across this picture yesterday:
It is a lesson that I seem to need to learn over and over especially where my son is concerned. I push aside my first instinct in the hopes that I am wrong when I really shouldn't. When he told me that he had lost his pipe. Lie. When he told me that that was the last of the weed. Lie. It turns out that he had gone out for a 'walk' twice the night before, after I had found that nugget in his pocket. Since he was crashed on the couch it was room search time, again. First I found a nugget in one of his hoodie pockets. I almost stopped looking but thought just in case... I could smell it in his closet so I kept looking. Found his 'lost pipe' and about two grams of weed in his coat pocket.
Straight to the dumpster. Did he buy this from some random person or did his friend downplay the amount that he had? I will probably never know the truth as I have experienced his friend 'under the influence' and/or 'judgement impaired' and expecting the truth at this point would be pretty naive of me.
My son has also received extra money in his bank account from the government. Don't know for what yet but I guess it's for one of our rebates. I don't get these anymore since I claimed common-law as our combined family income was too high. So he has $140 in his wallet. Yippee! Usually by the time he pays me back what he owes me and buys some game subscriptions he is pretty much out of money which because of situations like this is a good thing. In reality I don't push him much to work for this reason. His first paycheck could mean another hospital admission. Yes I know that I can't forestall this forever, however I was hoping that if I could get in some good solid clean time that he would see how much better life can be without 'that monkey on his back'. Sadly I understand that attraction. For a fleeting moment I thought about keeping the weed for myself. I have had my own issues with drug abuse and my last issue was with marijuana. Another reason why I do not and can not allow it in my home. My priorities where not right when I was using. My ability to cope with normal life stresses became none existent. It's been about a year and half since hubby and I last smoked weed and next month it will be a year since we had an alcoholic drink. Lead by example... I'm trying!
While yesterday itself was calm, the evening not so much. My son stated that he was going to the store and I asked him what he was getting. 'An energy drink and other stuff, why do you ask?' It's the 'other stuff' that I'm concerned about and voiced my concerns that I really hoped it wasn't another pipe or weed since it is not allowed in the home. Can you guess how well that went over? Don't talk to me. I'm a man and can do what I want. I'm stressed (remember my previous post of stress = symptoms). Your making me want to commit suicide. I guess not letting him have another psychotic break is more then he can handle since he hasn't gone this long without one (going on 11 months). I told him to call 911 if he was suicidal. He decided he wanted me out of his room bad enough to try to physically push me out. Since I wasn't sure how aggressive he was going to get I called for my hubby. My son then tells my hubby 'I will knock you out'. You would have to see my hubby but that's not likely. We insisted that he leave the home. Sadly there was some swearing involved with this request. Sometimes we get pushed too far. My son asks me if I was going to let my hubby talk to him like that? Really!? You just threatened to knock him out! And my hubby has been feeling dissed (speak disrespectfully to) by my son for about two weeks now. He was dissing me quit a bit too but what can I say, I'm mom and I'm willing to put up with perhaps more then I should. However enough is enough. I would have to say that having my hubby around for this one was actually a relief as my son backed down and I only had to threaten to call 911 once. Of course he had to make us wait. He would leave when he is ready. Gotta love ODD. He needed his keys for his bike lock. I removed the apartment keys. I would have to say the look on his face was priceless when I handed him his bike key only. He didn't leave with his bike after all. 'Where am I going to go?' 'I don't know. You're a man and can do what you want so figure it out. Maybe spend a couple of hours thinking about your actions and the choices that you are making. Better yet find a pay phone, call Nana and tell her more bullshit and lies...' Yup, still bothering me. Perhaps I need a biased therapist to vent to.
About an hour later my mom instincts had really kicked in. Is he ok? Hubby got dressed and came with me to go look for him. He was just around the corner sitting on some steps, smoking cigarettes. I told him that we really needed to talk about him living in some sort of assisted living since he can't follow the rules of no drugs and alcohol in the home, that the next time I just may call the police so they can confiscate his weed and that the next time he pushes me I will call the police and have him charged. He didn't seem to think I could do that. Yes, It's called domestic violence and is illegal. Even for my adult son. So he decided he wanted to stay outside. That was fine with me, now that I knew he was safe. He did come in sometime later as I had left the front door unlocked and he knows how to buss himself into the building. He asked if he could have his keys back as he may want to go for a walk later. Really! I didn't have the energy at this point to say anything except no and we will talk about it tomorrow.
He went to bed around 3:30 this morning. When my daughter came to bed a little before that she stated that he was in the living room hysterically laughing. Great! I don't know if it's the weed or his medications just aren't cutting it, if he is taking them. The dish I put them in was empty. Perhaps a bit of both. To be on the safe side another go at his room is probably in order. Always trust your gut instincts... Unfortunately that sometimes gets clouded with feelings of love and hope. Maybe this time it's not what I think...
I have some salads to make for our camping trip and things to organize. Maybe this trip will put him back into a fairly normal sleep cycle. I can always hope...
Mom
BarbieBF
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