Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Patience is a virtue, or is it?

This blog post is more of a ponder then my usual blogging. This is not the first time that I have felt like I have no patience left to deal with my son or his schizophrenia. They say that patience is a virtue however at times I question if there is a limit to how virtuous I should be. How much patience should I have? Is it doing my son more harm then good? At what point do I say enough is enough?

For two weeks I have been watching my son barely maintain being stable. Stable from a medical perspective in that he has not reached the point of needing hospitalization and I don't know if he will reach that point. In my eyes he is far from stable compared to where he has been. He is coasting along in a world where time has little meaning and he is spending that time doing whatever it is that he is doing in his head. Contemplating his soul and the universe? Listening to voices or laughing with them or intrusive thoughts? Or testing his mental powers as I was told this morning when I asked him why he had taken out two decks of euchre cards.

I don't know if the tone of his schizophrenia has changed or if it has not progressed to where it has in the past. Just over a year ago it was telekinesis, astral projection and voices that he thought belonged to his cousins. I think I sometimes need a reminder of what it was like when he first came to live with me 15 months ago as his bad days now are still better then his best days back then. He has come a long ways since then. Telekinesis and astral projection have not been mentioned since I think September or October of last year, same with voices.

I have seen how well my son can do. I have seen what he is capable of. I believe that he is capable of so much more. I have read the articles on how a caregiver is supposed to provide a stress free environment. I have read articles on the possible long term damage that psychosis can cause when left untreated. I have read articles on anosognosia. Sometimes I get sick of reading and researching schizophrenia and what scientists think it is. I know the statistics. I believe that my son can beat this if he wants to or better yet if he has to.

All this brings me to my ponder on patience. Does being patient mean that I should not get upset or mad when I'm waking up every morning to the mess of a 5 year old? Does being patient mean I should not expect my son to take minimal responsibility for his own personal hygiene as well as his mental and physical health? Does being patient mean I don't have the right to make my own life and living conditions a priority?

If I had accepted what I was seeing 15 months ago as all there was then we would not be were we are today. If I accept what I am seeing today as being the best that he can be then there is little hope for his future. I refuse to give up the hope that my son can lead a better more fulfilling life.

So today I am out of patience. Not because I don't love my son but perhaps because of how much I do love him. Because if I don't get mad or expect more from him then I fear that I am giving schizophrenia free reign to work it's 'magic' in my son. I refuse to let it have my son. I refuse to accept that what I'm seeing today is all there is. Instead I will believe that there is a reason that I have run out of patience and that reason is that I need to motivate my son to be more then schizophrenia.


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