Sunday, August 31, 2014

I'm Spent. Financially and Emotionally Spent.

My husband asked me this morning 'Are you in a bad mood?' and 'What's wrong? Is it.....' Now I'm not blaming my hubby for not getting it or understanding as I've come to the conclusion that expecting him or anybody else in my live to get it, at this point, is probably pointless. I have so many incomplete, jumbled thoughts going through my head right now so forewarned the following blog posting is my own self-indulgent petty me party... So please feel free not to read it.

Sleeping on the sofa has turned into a pretty big pet peeve of mine as I told my hubby this morning. It's not a new thing, in fact, I have had issue with it for some time now as allowing my hubby to do it meant allowing my son to do it and that meant a very smelly sofa. Not his fault I know however completely unnecessary. And I see no reason why I should be listening to someone snore in the living room. I don't say don't sleep. I say go to bed, sleep the day away if you want, but don't do it on the sofa. I try to keep my cool about it, repeat it and repeat it... months of repeating it... Sometimes I get pissy about it, like this morning. Okay he got it this time... I think really! Because plan English didn't make it clear all those other times?! I really do wonder what language I need to speak sometimes to be understood.

I started doing my grocery list this morning and I'm looking in my cupboards. I'm looking at all the stuff that we have gotten for my son. Noodles, pop tarts, popcorn, nuts, snacks of every type. Every so often I have to go through everything and throw stuff out because it was something he wanted to try and didn't like or for whatever reason he didn't want to eat it so it expires. Unopened jars of peanut butter, cheese-whiz and other things. Same with the freezer. Pizza pops, beef patties, hungry man dinners... I have always made sure that there is always things for him to eat. If it's kool-aid then lots of it and of course the sugar. If it's iced tea, now we have two big things of it. He wants to try different kinds of coffee, at one point we had 3 or 4 kinds of instant coffee. Even when he didn't come grocery shopping with us the cart included his treats, his apple juice, whatever phase he was currently going through that I knew that he liked. I know what kinds of chips he likes and always made sure to switch it up so that he didn't get sick of one kind. Beef jerky til he got sick of it. We have never been stingy in the food department as our $300 weekly grocery bills can attest to. I have made so many concessions on the types of meals I make. Sometimes I had to make a conscious choice to make my hubby's favorite meals because my son didn't like it and so many meals were planned with him in mind. Even with getting my son his treats we had trouble keeping certain foods for my hubby for work as my son took whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it. We didn't get mad, just bought more of it. Most weeks I had trouble finding room to put away the groceries as the cupboards and fridge were full of things my son liked to eat. Today's grocery bill was $140.

My mind goes through a list of things that we have gotten for him since he moved in with us 15 months ago. The first was the deep fryer that he had to have and used almost daily while he went through his potatoe and onion ring phase. The breakfast sandwich maker for when he went through his breakfast sandwich phase. The $200 bike and accessories. The $200 Nintendo3DS and games. The $400 PSP4 and games. The $3000 laptop. The $600 we spent on his tobacco etc the first three months he lived with us and this doesn't include the $600+ per month we spent out of pocket on medications for three months. He wanted a better TV so we switched him TV's. He broke his computer desk, we got him another one. He needed winter boots, we got them. He wanted $80 shoes, we got them. He wanted sandals, we got them. McDonald's, Tim Horton's, restaurants, movies, rings, watches, lighters, cloths, trips to the store. I'm guessing my son has easily cost us $10000 and that doesn't include the numerous times I have not made him pay me back for things or give the amount of money that he is supposed to give me every month so that he can buy his tobacco, gaming subscriptions or whatever else he had set his mind to wanting. It certainly doesn't include the grocery bills, the extra internet charges, the movies he rented through cable before I locked those channels, even laundry money or all the notebooks and pens that I bought him while inpatient and even afterwards whenever he wanted them. We paid for everything and then some. It also doesn't include the damage that he has done to the apartment and the things I own and the things that he has smashed and broken.

This is three fist holes in his bedroom door and below it is where he was throwing his switch blade at the door.

Edit: sorry pictures where removed and now I can't find them

These are all the knife marks or where he was stabbing his bed with his knives.

This is the hole he put into a closet door on Thursday when I was calling 911.

He called me yesterday on his new cell phone, he was at the mall. This would be out of the disability check that he told the shelter that he didn't have, that I had. Since he is spending it then he obviously knows that he has it so outright lied about me having it. He wanted the number for his disability worker because he wants to switch how he is getting 'paid' so that he can get more money. I can't even say how much this phone call pissed me off. I probably won't hear from him again until he wants something. I actually believed that perhaps he was confused and didn't know or remember that he had the check on him and so I bought him two cartons of cigarettes on Friday that I was going to take to him yesterday evening along with his notebooks, search-a-word that I know he likes and whatever else I thought he might need. He is outright refusing to give me any money for supporting him in August. Honestly I feel kicked in the gut as I'm probably going to have to draw again from my line of credit to pay the rent. My son just thinks my hubby makes money so we don't need this. No matter how many times I go over our monthly expenses which include $1200 for groceries, about $1000 for car insurance and related expenses, $930 for rent, $400 for cable, internet and phones (last internet bill over by $50 again) and our visas and line of credit payments as I'm about $30000 in debt... All quit pointless I guess because he really couldn't or can't give two hoots about my finances.

So ya financially I'm done giving and giving. The pot has run dry. Because it is the long weekend I can't even do anything about this until Tuesday. I did try calling the shelter but none of the full time staff that knows the systems is in right now. I was hoping that someone could talk to him and help him to see reason that what he is doing is not right. The government isn't handing him this money so that he can freely spend it where ever he pleases. I will be calling disability on Tuesday to let them know that he no longer resides here so that they don't continue to provide him with monies that are not being used as they are supposed to.

Emotionally spent too.


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