Hurry up and wait game

I know someone who uses this phrase a lot and in this case it certainly fits. I feel like I'm playing a game of hurry up and wait. Wait to see if he is going to pull himself out of it or wait for the break. Either way I wish that it would hurry up and happen one way or the other. I think I have said this before! Deja vu!

This morning was another morning of him stating that he must have insomnia because he took his pills but couldn't sleep. He hadn't taken his pills. His confusion on this is not getting any better as I believe that he really did think that he had taken them. He did take them, his Clozapine and Lithium, and within 45 minutes went to bed after being up again for 19 hours. In the meantime I was listening to more laughing for no apparent reason. The laughing has been back since the 19th. He is explaining it away as a stress reliever and that he is laughing at stupid mental pictures. More animals although this time no mention of cow udders (it's ok I smiled too!) which is what he found so amusing the last time this happened. I think it's sheep this time. At this point I'm unsure if he is experiencing voices or not, although he says that he isn't. Of course I believe him... not. Voices are part of what got him admitted last time.

Turns out it was the Seroquel that made him feel like crying. Not the Trazodone. Something else he was confused about which is not like him. He is usually pretty on top of the names of his medications. I woke up one morning to my knife sharpener missing. I know he has a fascination with his switch blade and pocket knives but I put them all away. He asked me about them yesterday and I told him that I put them away. I haven't thrown them out and he can have them back but with him feeling suicidal I didn't feel comfortable with him having them in his room. The morning we took him to the hospital he had stated that he might as well slit his wrists if he has to be on pills for the rest of his life. He didn't deny feeling suicidal...

His case worker was here yesterday. He didn't remember meeting her on the 18th. His psychiatrist decided not to come see him because if the hospital would not admit him then there probably isn't too much that he can do except to have his case worker try to talk him into going back on the Invega. He is still refusing even though she tried to explain to him that if he wants to obtain his goals of moving out and being on his own than he needs to be more alert and functioning. She did comment that he seemed more alert. I don't think it's a good alert, I think it's more along the lines of his mind raising. She had to repeat a lot of what she was saying because he would stop focusing on her. Then it was like he would come back to seeing or focusing on her. While he may not have any overt signs of voices I do believe that they are there.

The lady from Ready4Life dropped off two applications today for group homes. One of them may have an opening coming up around September. So far we are all in agreement that this is probably the best choice for him. He wants his own place but he can't take care of himself and is unable to see that. He will have his own room and be expected to help and participate with chores and participate in daily activities. It has 24/7 onsite support staff and the majority of their clients are between the ages of 20-30 and 60% male. They also charge on a sliding scale so he can afford it. They will help teach him life skills. He didn't seem to impressed when I told him about the chores. I reminded him that he says that he is capable of doing them so it shouldn't be a problem. He also showed some resistance to the idea that they may oversee his medications. His case worker explained that it is nothing personal, they are just doing their jobs, which seemed to ease his defiance a little bit. Or he lost his focus again.

Overall he is barely maintaining be 'stable'. He is eating some. Sometimes he will have some supper but he is not eating like he normally does. Not drinking as much as he normally does. He hasn't been on his computer in days. I'm guessing he can't think or concentrate to be on it. He's been watching TV all night although I don't think he is watching it. He doesn't appear to be changing channels or turning it up to the volume that he usually watches TV at. I know because I'm usually asking him to turn it down in the middle of the night. So basically he is sitting or lying on the sofa with the TV on. I noticed this morning as well that he wasn't smoking cigarettes. When stressed he can smoke one every 15 minutes so if it has progressed to the point that he isn't smoking for extending periods then he is much to far into his own head space. I asked him last night why hasn't called his Nana yet and he said that he didn't know. Again I'm guessing that he just can't think to do it. He hasn't showered since the 12th and I don't think he has brushed his teeth since then either. He is sometimes changing his shirt. One day he did manage to groom his facial hair. I have no idea what prompted that. Ego? :) I have been reminding him to wash his bedding as it needs it. He acknowledges that it needs to be done and that it is a good idea but doesn't do it. The mom in me is having a tough time not pushing him to do these things or do it for him however doing it for him won't change the fact that this is currently where he is at. It would be like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. The band-aid won't fix it or cover it up.

His caseworker did take him to get his monthly blood work done and he did call in and refill his Lithium. She will probably take him to pick it up tomorrow although that means he only has 300 mg for tonight/tomorrow morning instead of 600 mg. I'm obviously not going to send him to a shelter like this, so that is off the table for now. For now it's just waiting... Hope that he pulls it together or has a break so that the damage being done to his brain is minimal.

Mom
BarbieBF

Knife Sharpener Guy

Tough Love and Boundaries

My son has been off his Invega for a week now and has had about 15 hours of sleep in the past 50 hours. Hasn't eaten a proper meal since probably Wednesday or Thursday of last week. Saturday we spent 6 hours in emergency. He was sent home with a prescription for Seroquel/Quetiapine. After waiting the 6 hours in emergency for my son I got informed by the treating psychiatrist that my son didn't want them talking to me. I said that is fine but I know you can listen. Filled in some details and stated he is looking for benzos. I belief he was trying to get Ativan/Lorazepam. His reason for coming off the Invega. It makes him too alert during the day, like he needs to get up and do something like go to the gym and he doesn't want to feel like that while he is living here. So the Invega was working and doing what it is supposed to do, in my opinion. He took the Seroquel twice, got some much needed sleep, and is now saying he doesn't need it that it is a PRN. He even refuses to acknowledge that it is an anti-psychotic. Or me telling him that it is, is what is making him not take it as on Saturday he stated that he really liked how it was making him feel.

I love my son but I think I need to get out of the picture a little bit, or a lot. As long as he can continue to blame me for everything then he will never be able to see that it's schizophrenia that is causing him to feel and act like this. I did tell the nurse at the hospital that if things got any easier for him at home that I would be wiping his butt for him. And it's still not good enough for him. He wants me to be nicer. I don't even know what that means anymore. Not tell him that he needs anti-psychotics? Not expect him to clean up after himself? Not point out that things that he is saying just don't make sense? I can't see him not having another break if things keep going the way that they are. He does need his anti-psychotics and he does need more structure. Structure that I obviously can't provide as he won't accept it coming from me. His ODD is in full gear. According to him he is an adult and his treatment is none of my business.

He was up all night again last night. When I got up at 4 he stated that he had insomnia and couldn't sleep even though he had taken his pills. I checked and he hadn't taken them, they were still in his dish. All that was in there was his Lithium and Clozapine. No Invega or Seroquel. He took them but then I heard him in the bathroom coughing/gagging so I'm hoping he didn't spit them back up. I insisted that he go to his room even if he wasn't going to go to sleep. He had the living room to himself from 9 last night to 4 this morning. Now it was my turn. When I suggested he take a Trazodone for sleep he stated that that medication makes him want to cry. This is the first that I have heard this and to my knowledge it never did this. I think he is very confused.

I called his case worker this morning and she came by around 10 PM. She had some information on the shelters in the area as when I called her I told her that he needs to go. I had told him on Saturday that he can't stay here if he is not going to take his medications as prescribed or with the attitude that I not be a part of his treatment. The meeting didn't go to good. He was having a lot of trouble following what she was saying. He basically asked her to leave stating the he was too tired to talk to anyone.

So here I am at 12:44 PM and I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to help him accept what he needs to accept. Me being his mother is getting in the way of him accepting responsibility for his own life and choices. He is relying on me as mom in every way that a child would yet insisting that he's an adult. I know that it is his schizophrenia and ODD that is causing this however I can't see this changing unless his current circumstances change. Without me as a scapegoat perhaps he will be able to look at things differently. Or not. However I think it's time to find out just how sick or capable he really is. More importantly he needs to find this out for himself. Between PACT and Ready4Life he has so much support available to him.

Hopefully I will hear back from his case worker today. I know that the two shelters she called were full this morning. The shelters are not like drop in community centers or soup kitchens. They are staffed with onsite personnel that oversee his medications, have structured meal times and people available to him for support including mental health.

Mom
BarbieBF