It's just me and you... and your voices.

I'm not usually blogging this time of night however hubby just left to go back out snow plowing for the night. I think they are calling for up to 12-25 cm depending on where you live. Where we live 25 cm but where he is plowing 12 cm. My son asked where my hubby was and I told him and then said: So it's just me and you... and your voices.

I'm not sure why they are prominent today but they are. I wasn't really paying attention as I have been wrapped up in things on the internet however after several hours of no gaming (or much else) noises I realized that my son has been quiet today. Except for the odd laughing here and there. I went and checked on him and he was just sitting there looking at his computer screen, doing nothing. It's been like that most of the day.

I don't ask him if he has voices because I know he will most likely say no. I did comment on them being there and his response was that he has been raising entities to be elders (adults) because he is an adult and knows how to teach them. I kept it light and said that I'm glad it's happening in his head because I don't think we need more people thinking they are adults when they aren't. :) Yes it is... scary isn't the right word... concerning, that he is raising entities in his mind.

I'm guessing they started last night as he went to sleep with his light on which I'm learning may be an indication of things going on in his head. I turned it off when I checked on him around 4 AM. He is taking his Invega so I'm hoping it's just a little hiccup.

I do know that a lot of nicotine seems to trigger his psychosis some however he hasn't been smoking very much which is another sign that he is in his own head space. He has been smoking his vaporizer but he has been using an E-liquid that doesn't have nicotine. We did take him yesterday to the vapor store and hubby and I relaxed while he sat and tried a lot of different ones.

He finally did a load of laundry today and even remembered when to put it in the dryer and when to go get it when it was done. I folded it and put it away.

I had a little fun yesterday putting this together: 1st Edition Barbie's Coffee Time. I got the idea from the vapor store. I have seen similar in other small restaurants etc. I tried to get one from online however they don't distribute online. So I went hunting for a template to make a version of my own minus all the advertising.

My son was lying down in bed but just got up to go for a smoke. Hopefully he will take his Invega and a Melatonin (maybe even an Olanzapine or Trazodone) soon and go to sleep. That way I can take a sleeping pill. Since hubby isn't home it would be a great night for me to try and get a solid couple of hours sleep. I guess due to the snow hubby doesn't have to work his normal job tomorrow which is good. Snow plowing all night then working all day is hard on him.

I'm off to read in bed for a bit...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Canada Eh!

First I would like to talk about #BellLetsTalk day that was on January 28. I feel so privileged and proud to have been a part of this by joining in on Twitter and Facebook.

This year with over 120 million interactions Bell is donating over $6 million to mental health initiatives! Since 2010 they have donated over $67 million! Go Canada Eh!

Bell Let's Talk

There was a couple of articles criticizing the hashtag (#) and certain peoples involvement. Statements implying that a hashtag isn't going too.... Maybe those criticizing don't have a loved one suffering from a mental illness? Every tweet, every share, every conversation that may have been started that could pave the way to someone reaching out to get help... Honestly I'm not even remotely savvy today's lingo and I had to explain to my hubby what a hashtag was ;). BUT on January 28 I can tell you that #BellLetsTalk meant the world to me.

Also that night I watched Clara's Big Ride on CTV. Clara Hughes biked across Canada to raise mental health awareness. I cried watching it. I sat there thinking why am I being so emotional? Because it was so close to home and my heart what she was/is trying to accomplish. What Bell is trying to accomplish. My son said to me: Can we turn this off? He doesn't like to watch these types of programs and usually asks me to turn them off or leaves the room. My reply was: Hun I don't know if you are aware of who Clara Hughes is but she rode across Canada on her bicycle for mental health awareness so that people can feel more comfortable talking about it and getting help. She did this for you. He said: Oh. He didn't really watch it but he didn't leave the room either...

Since I'm basking in Canadian pride right now :) This is a mental health awareness video filmed in Newfoundland & Labrador where I grew up. You are not alone

Yesterday my older sister took me and my son to a vapor shop. My son goes through phases of wanting to vape (to inhale vapor from a E-cigarette or vaporizer). It wasn't the best day to go as the weather was iffy, calling for a lot of snow causing my sister to be uneasy about getting back home quickly.

My son however cannot be rushed on pretty much anything right now and certainly not regarding something that he has a passion for. We didn't stay nearly as long as he would have liked. Sadly he ended up getting an E-liquid that he is not all that happy with. I think hubby and I well end up taking him back there this weekend so that he can spend some time enjoying the experience and picking out an E-liquid that he will hopefully like after we leave ;)

My son is still recovering from his last break which was only three months ago. I know that he doesn't look sick. He doesn't look like a part of him is broken but his brain was broken in October and like any break it takes time to heal. Earlier in the week he asked how to use his debit visa bank card as a visa as he couldn't remember how. He used to use it as a visa all the time.

I watched this video this morning: NAMI PBC 2014 Annual Luncheon with Randye Kaye

I plan on getting a copy of her book: Ben Behind His Voices

I didn't get my son to do his cleaning chore today. There was a possibility that perspective tenants would be coming by to see the apartment today so I cleaned the whole bathroom ;)

He did ask for help making a sandwich the other day and I said no but I would help him and I told him what he needed to do in steps. He did it! I joked with him on taking a picture of him doing it. He may not pick up after himself right away however I'm finding that IF I don't do it then he does eventually do it himself at least with food stuff and garbage. Every now and than I'm taking handfuls of items like notebooks and technology back into his room. He still needs to do his laundry. I keep reminding him but so far no luck. He is playing games on his computer today though! And he has been watching shows on his tablet.

He has been sleeping good. Really good actually. Sometimes he goes to bed when hubby and I go to bed which is anytime after 8 PM as we watch TV in bed. He has been sleeping most of the night through and getting about 12-13 hours. I'm guessing/hoping that his brain is healing and that is why so much sleep because he is not on high doses of medications that would usually cause this.

Last night he actually took an Olanzapine as he asked where his Trazodone was and I suggested the Olanzapine might work better. The other night I had him help me fill up his pill case and I took out the Trazodone since he wasn't taking them. Now his pill case is on the back of his bed and he has remembered on his own to take them the last two nights.

Time for me to go and start making dinner. Spaghetti tonight!

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support & Facebook Page

Yesterday hubby and I did go for dinner together. I'm glad that we did. Sometimes it feels really good to get out and spend some one on one time with my hubby that isn't centered around grocery shopping, doctor's appointments or errands. Around 7 PM my son asks: Are you making dinner? No...

His case worker was here today and discussed with him what support meant. Asked him when the last time was that he went grocery shopping by himself? Never. Does he know how to grocery shop or what to look for? He knows what he likes to eat. Does he have any bills that he pays? No. Does he cook meals? No. Does he know how to use public transit? Yes (if there is drugs or alcohol involved lol). Does he do his own laundry? Yes (still not done from two weeks ago). Does he shower regularly? When it gets bad enough (when I insist). Does he know what medications he is taking or prescribed? Yes Invega (and Olanzapine). Does he know the doses? No. Does he take them on his own? Yes (I remind him sometimes/usually).

His case worker had him call and leave a message with the lady from housing support stating that he now understands what support means and that he is willing to accept it. I stayed out of the conversation as much as I could so that I didn't trigger any defiance in him. :)

Yesterday I was informed that his psychiatrist had discontinued his Trazodone prescription. Today I asked his case worker why because even though me may not take it often, sometimes it is needed and it's a PRN anyways... Apparently his nurse had advised his psychiatrist that he wasn't taking it so that is why. Good logic! If he stops taking his Invega would they stop prescribing that too?! Geesh! His case worker said she would let them know that he does take it sometimes.

You may want to hold onto something... My son just did the dishes! I think I'm smiling like an idiot, on the inside anyways. As much as I would like to make a big deal of this I know that it's not a good idea. Sometimes it can be taken as belittling or condescending and with my son it usually gives him the ok to not do anything else... I did say a very nice thank you! Think I'm going to go outside for a cigarette so I can smile like an idiot for a minute! Be right back...

Remember the calendars that I said I was going to print yesterday? Well I printed some for this month and next month. I noted what days he is supposed to cook, do dishes and clean the toilet. Today is the day for dishes. Of course he isn't looking at them on his own. Baby steps right? I pointed out to him that today is dishes day. No movement to do them... A little while later I reminded him again. He asked what was for dinner and if it could be the salmon I took out yesterday. I did buy it because he said he likes salmon. I told him we were having salmon but I wasn't going to start dinner until he did the dishes and that it would be better for him to do them before I made more dirty. If he didn't do the dishes then I wouldn't cook dinner and I would go out instead. He said this wasn't fair. I asked if he had any money? No. When he does then we will discuss fair.

Shortly after he got up to do the dishes asking for help as he had no idea how. I helped him get started and he did them! Soap suds galore! :) I'm also making honey roasted carrots for dinner since he really likes them too! Wish me luck on the salmon as I think this is my first attempt at making it.

I decided to start a Facebook page. I sometimes feel like I may be over posting mental health posts on my normal news feed. I started one before but I never gave it much of a chance. With this page I can post to my hearts content! Also I can't post news articles etc here so I feel like I'm missing out on passing on information that someone may find useful.

If you are interested then this is the page: Facebook Page: Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey

I was thinking about reminding my son, again, about his laundry but I think I will leave that until tomorrow. He is playing games etc today for the first time in probably over a week.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

He is.... cycling?

Above picture credit to: Etsy

I have really been trying to work on this lately... with my husband and my son. I'm having better luck with my son then my husband but it's hard in both instances.

Thursday evening for whatever reason my son decided to check his bank account and it looks like he received his HST credit. Awesome! Of course off he goes to the liquor store. There isn't too much that I can do about it. It's legal and it's his money... I got to practice a little of 'keeping my mouth shut.' as my son told me that he didn't agree with  the rule of no alcohol in the home. Sometimes I just have to remind myself: What's the point? I'm not going to get anywhere by arguing or even discussing this with my son. It's the rule. Period.

We went for a car ride as my hubby had to get gas. During this car ride I did discuss with my son that once we move this can't keep happening as he hides the alcohol either in the laundry room of the building or on the grounds. Where we are moving is a family orientated complex and if I start getting warnings because children are finding and drinking his hidden liquor then he will have to go. If he really wants to drink then that is what bars are for. Drinking in public is illegal whether he agrees with that law or not is a mood point.

After we come back he tells me that he is going to visit his 'partner in instability'. He used the transit system. Amazing what he is capable of doing on his own when alcohol and/or marijuana is involved. Maybe this is where he got the idea to check his bank account for money? I didn't say much... Again what can I say? He's 21 today. Crap! I was going to look into bakeries for a cake yesterday and forgot. I will see what hubby thinks about us going to Red Lobster for dinner!

He returned the next afternoon. He didn't take his Invega while there which isn't surprising. Within thirty minutes of being home he wanted me to either take cash from him to put on a Google play account for his Nvidia game or walk with him to the bank or Walmart. I won't even use or put money on these types of accounts for myself so I'm certainly not going to connect my banking information with accounts in his name. So he wanted me to walk to Walmart with him so that he could buy a Google play gift card. I think that's what they are called. I said no. If he could trek to almost the other end of the city on transit by himself then he can go two blocks by himself. He did.

This entertained him for a short period of time... He also wanted to give me money to get him a month of World of Warcraft. Why? He plays it so rarely I don't see the point. Also he can do this himself if he would go to the bank and update his details. He couldn't access his online banking as he got a new bank card while out in British Columbia and his details have changed since we no longer have the home phone and he can't access his old email accounts. So when he tried to access and it asked for information to verify and send a new code... Well it would go to an inactive phone or email. We did hopefully fix this yesterday as I had to go to the bank for loonies for laundry so had him update his details since he came with us.

Friday night he went to bed good and took his Invega and a Trazodone so got a good nights sleep. Still Saturday was him laughing out loud more... And him going to the liquor store again.

So for lack of a better word, he is cycling... Feeding his addiction which in turn is triggering his schizophrenia which cycles into wanting to self-medicate and trying to feel better or fight off the inevitable depression with more alcohol. Or asking me if I think his psychiatrist will prescribe him Ativan/Lorazepam... No he won't because he abuses it and wants to take enough that he is totally sedated which my son agrees is what he wants. We can up his anti-psychotics so that he is totally sedated if that is the goal... That pretty much ended that conversation ;)

I found myself in a bit of dilemma this morning. Yesterday my hubby asked my son where he was hiding his alcohol. Part of me doesn't want to know. My son pointed to where it was... This morning I couldn't resist looking there and sure enough there it was. Do I leave it or throw it out? I decided to throw it out. I'm responsible for the actions of everyone that is living in my apartment which means I'm responsible for my son's alcohol on the premises where it legally is not supposed to be.

Yesterday I bought my son a pill case. I can't be counting pills or trying to micro-manage if he is taking them or not. At least I'm trying not to... This way I can fill it up or he can fill it up once a week with his Invega, Trazodone and Melatonin. I don't have to ask him if he is taking them or not, just look in the pill case. Since he doesn't hide from me if he is taking them or not there should be no reason for him to take them out and put them elsewhere. Hopefully it will also cut down on him getting confused if he has taken something or not. The Olanzapine is a PRN so we didn't add that. His Trazodone is a PRN as well but he is more likely to take it for a good nights sleep.

I did manage to get him in the shower yesterday stating that if he wanted to come do errands with us then he needed to that first. I also gave him a new pair of track pants that I had bought that morning for him as he wears them the most and he gets them stained fairly easily. He spent some money in the dollar store on candy and an energy drink. Thankfully the energy drinks are now down to rarely as we don't buy them anymore. We also stopped at Timmies (Tim Horton's) :)

Next will be getting him to cut his nails... I really don't understand or get this off and on fascination with having long fingernails. If one is going to take care of them and keep them clean that is another story however my son doesn't. I sometimes forget to get him to wash his hands before going out with me.... *mental shudder* when we are in a store line up and he is cleaning his nails and smelling it. Sorry I know that sound gross. It is! However it is the reality of our lives at times. I stop him and tell him that it is not appropriate to be doing that at that time.

Hubby is back from going to see his grand-kids, my son is up and I have dishes to do before I get hubby to dye my hair. One look at my roots right now would definitely give away my real age :)

On a side note. I can't wait to move! Hopefully I'm not going from the frying pan to the fire... However I'm pretty sure not as the complex seems well maintained and monitored as staff is on site several times a day, I am told. My neighbors across the hall... have been enjoying the weekend since Friday afternoon. Started today Sunday morning at 11AM. They have been better lately. Better is still me listening to their music while I'm setting at my computer. Friday night was the clean out of beer bottles. Two stacks as tall as me that sat in the hallway overnight. I just keep reminding myself... soon!

Mom
BarbieBF

I'm bored. Can I go to sleep now?

Things have been quiet since Tuesday. My son's Nvidia Shield Portable gaming system arrived yesterday morning. It's a birthday present his dad and I split on. He was surprised and happy that it arrived so quickly as I had been cautioning him that it would take time for it to reach us. Once he asked if we could drive to some city in MN to pick up. Not realizing that MN was not a part of Canada but is a state in the USA.

He enjoyed the tablet that my sister dropped off for him for a little while. I think he already has the memory full since he was asking about a memory card two nights ago. I noticed this on his cell phone too that the memory is almost full of downloaded games and apps that he just doesn't use or play.

When the Nvidia system arrived I remember thinking to myself: How long until he starts asking about money so that he can buy games for it even though there are lots of free ones that he could download. I was thinking it would take a couple of hours but it only took about thirty  minutes. I nicely said no to giving him money, that he will have to wait and reminded him that no matter how many games he pays for he usually ends up back playing the free ones like MapleStory, RuneScape and I think Minecraft are some of them.

As of last night or this morning he said that he had downloaded about twelve games, only played two?

Today he is bored... He has a top of the line gaming laptop to use, a tablet and now the Nvidia gaming system and he is bored. I think we are finding ourselves in that in-between stage. His positive schizophrenia symptoms are not entertaining him anymore as they must be pretty much gone. I haven't seen/heard him laughing for no reason at voices or thoughts like he was. I think it's good that he is bored as in my eyes it's an indication of his mind being quieter. I asked him today if he was feeling ok as it's fairly easy to tell that he is experiencing something. He is lethargic or sluggish. Tired, slow and inactive. He just knows that he is 'bored' and doesn't want to play his games. I explained to him that this could be negative symptoms of schizophrenia. He asked if negative was like hearing voices? No. Positive and negative mean more and less not good and bad. If it's something more then someone like me would experience then it's positive, like hearing voices. Not being motivated to do things that we enjoy is a negative as it takes away. At this point he asked if he could go to sleep now?

I know that he is taking his medication however I know this because I have been reminding him to take them for the past two nights. Two days ago he asked about sleeping on the sofa as he wanted to get a good nights sleep. He is not getting good sleeps because he is not using the medications that he has available to help with quieting his mind at night. I reminded him that he has Trazodone, Olanzapine and Melatonin to help him go to sleep. If he used all of them he would be knocked out pretty good and get a really good nights sleep. That night he took Trazodone, Melatonin and perhaps an Olanzapine however did not take his Invega. I had to wake him to take it. He insisted that he had taken it however his Invega is being brought to him in blister packs as free samples right now and none of the blisters had been opened so he couldn't have taken one. I did get him to take it. I don't know if he got confused between the Olanzapine and the Invega or was just confused since I did wake him. Maybe I should go back to counting pills? When I woke him up he was covered in sweat. This may be from taking two Melatonin which can cause vivid dreams without taking the Invega. Really I don't know...

Last night I only gave him one Melatonin. It was 11:30 or 12 when I went in his room and he was in bed yet hadn't taken any of his medications. He said he was going to... Then asked me to get them for him which I did. 12:45 he was out for a smoke, banging around. I'm not sure what to do about this late night stuff as he is keeping everyone awake and it's not good for him either. He did get up by 10 this morning which is good but now he is in bed...

Due to the excessive sweating two nights ago he is in need of a shower again. He also needs to finish doing his laundry. He knows that he needs to have a shower and says that he wants too...

He is eating good so that's a plus. Speaking of food... I decided to start another blog! BarbieBF's Kitchen. Don't judge it (or shake your head at me ;)) as it's a mess and I'm still not to sure how I want it set up. My goal, I think, is to try to condense what research I have done on nutrition, diet, supplements and mental illness. To perhaps help others to try to put together meals that can hopefully minimize some of the symptoms of schizophrenia as well as keeping ourselves, the caregivers, healthy and strong. Also easy meals that don't require a lot of prepping as I know a lot of caregivers are not just working in the home but outside the home as well. I have been kicking the idea around for a bit but it's just not coming together... Yet.

Still no news on disability. His worker was returning some of my calls but hasn't returned the last two! On another note my son is now in collections for I think $400 and $600 for the two cell phone accounts that he didn't pay. Mom what can I do about it? He can't pay them. Hopefully in about seven years he will be in a place that a credit score will matter. If not then at least I may have some security in knowing that another company shouldn't let him access anymore credit. He did receive a call yesterday that his application for housing was received.

Mom
BarbieBF

Another waiting game

I think it's just a matter of time before my son is inpatient again.

He has been off the Lithium for five days and off Trazodone for four days and it's been four days since his Invega shot was due. He has been taken his Olanzapine at night.

I don't know why or what instigated him just asking me this however he just asked me if I still had his knives. He hasn't asked or spoken about them since September so I'm pretty leery about why he is asking for them now. It honestly sucks when you don't know if you should be afraid of your own son or not. I tense when he walks behind me. *breathe* He is cutting his Trazodone pills into four pieces, he said it is so that he doesn't take too much. I said no to having his knives. His response was that I need to compensate him for them. Consider them compensation for the plane tickets and everything else that I have been paying for for the past month or so. The standard, default answer to kick him out... I told him that I wasn't going to have that conversation so he replied that maybe he should take away my computer.

So here I am, not saying anything because to respond or try to be rational with him at this point is pretty useless. I think my nerves are shot. For the past three days? he has been doing very little. I don't know why, if he is doing it on purpose or not, however I can hear him breathing from across the room. Or wheezing may be a better word, breathing through his nose. Yes it's my nerves, because seriously, listening to it is very much getting on them. I think I made the mistake of asking him one day if he was doing it on purpose. If it bothers me my son is will do it...

Another mistake I may have made was try to discuss with him why he wanted to go off the Lithium. Since he lives with me I know how much time he spends masturbating which he very much likes to do and I have noticed that since on the Invega Sustenna that it had basically stopped (a possible side-affect). So I asked him if the reason he wanted off the Lithium was because he thought that it might be causing this even though he has been on it for two years with no issue. I told him that it's the not Lithium causing this, that is was probably the Invega. Yah, not that smart of me. Granted it may not have made a difference one way or the other as once my son gets it in his head to do something there doesn't appear to be anything I can do to stop him.

Yesterday I walked by his room and he was masturbating with his door open. I think he was at it for a good twenty minutes. Other then to watch porn he has not been on the laptop for probably a week now.

If you were to ask my son how he is doing? He would say good, that he has been relaxing, watching TV and going to bed reasonably. The truth is a bit different. If he is sitting/lying in the living room with the TV on than he will say that he is watching TV. He isn't. Ask him what he is watching or what it is about? I only have basic cable now and the weather channel can't be that entertaining for hours at a time ;) Relaxing... Heavy breathing while he is lost in his own head-space as I call it. Going to bed... Sometime between 1-3 when I get up and interrupt him 'relaxing' or ask him to go to bed. It took me about three days to get him in the shower as it had been over two weeks. Finally succeeded as with hubby's help we made it shower day for everyone!

He is eating dinner and snacking so that is good. He hasn't lost his appetite although I can see it starting to slip some. I can tell based on the number of messes that I'm having to pick up. Putting the water jug back in the fridge or anything else after using it is not currently a part of his reality. I did tell him yesterday that if he has the energy to masturbate for twenty minutes then he should have enough energy to pick up a piece of garbage. Considering the amount of 'exercise' he can get doing this, he should be doing all the heavy lifting around here ;)

I just had a conversation with him about the conversation that I had with his Nana last. I had no idea that he has apparently been calling her for weeks about going out there, that there is a lot of yelling going on here and that he doesn't like my hubby... According to my son he hasn't been saying any of this. He did acknowledge that being able to masturbate may be why he wanted off the medications that he does like to do it. He doesn't want to be sick however he does want to do this and he does like psychosis.

I had talked to him on Tuesday about the fact that I had been accepted for the townhouse. Yah! And that I didn't think that I wanted him to move with me under the current circumstance. I went over the contract that he signed with me stating that he has not been doing anything that he agreed on. It was my fault for not reminding him or making him do these things and that he has his own problems to deal with. When I asked what those problems were I got told that they were none of my business. The conversation pretty much ended there.

Like I just told my son, if he wants to be psychotic that is his choice. He still has to accept responsibility for his own life, his schizophrenia and the choices that he is making. I'm not going to pretend like it's not there or that he is not being delusional in his thinking or that the road he is choosing to go down is one that I will support. I will not support him manipulating me or his Nana and causing conflicts between us that are not helping anyone including him. He wants to run away and bury himself in marijuana and/or alcohol. Last night he wanted to go to his friends. I checked his messages this morning and they had been discussing having a couple of beers. One message was: About the drinking thing did you mean tonight? Marijuana has usually been a part of these scenarios.

Again he asked about me not taking my portion of his disability check when he gets it. How is he supposed to get his own place without money? First he has to put forth an effort to get a place. Why would I agree to hand him over money for a place to live when he isn't even trying to find one? We all know where that money well go. Besides if he goes into a group home than disability will pay the group home directly so he won't have to worry about it. He needs to work with PACT and disability to make this happen.

His case worker should be here shortly. She apparently has oral Invega for him. Maybe if he had this 2-3 weeks ago we wouldn't be here? That could be wishful thinking on my part :). Not sure who is paying for them however I told her that I can't. She has been in contact with disability and is giving them a hard time about the drug card. My son said that he will discuss medications with her when she arrives. Guess where he is again? ;)

It looks like we have bought a car! Did I tell you that the motor is going, again, in our car? I had to transfer $1300 from my line of credit today to pay for the car and it's safety etc. Our rent will be going up over $400 a month plus heat which is electric. My son said to me yesterday: Since you are moving and will have more money can you buy me a plane ticket? Hrm... Laugh, cry... anxiety meds!? :) I took a sleeping pill the night before last and it did nothing. Last night I took another which I don't usually do as they can be very addicting but I slept for over four hours! Score one for me :)

His case worker just left. He has agreed to 'try' the oral Invega but will stop them if he doesn't think they are working. He is ok with the side affects of not taking or going off medications cold turkey. She gave him a one week supply of samples so hopefully by next week the disability/drug card thing will be straightened out. He tried to tell her that his Nana is buying him a plane ticket so that he doesn't have to be in a shelter again. Grrr... I'm not sending him to a shelter right now. It's not an all or nothing situation or at least it shouldn't be. I said no that Nana is not buying him a ticket right now. He then agreed to sign forms for a group home. It's ridiculous that he thinks well enough to play on Nana's emotions like this yet can't think to put away a water jug. I asked her to check into the one that has less restrictions and he doesn't have to be out Mon-Fri 9-?. Still onsite support every day just not 24/7.

I guess I should go and perhaps message his friend since my son just brought up going over there to drink. He deserves it... I told him that alcohol and marijuana well probably have him in the hospital by Saturday. It's a sin for me to put him in the hospital you know? I'm not putting him in the hospital, he is putting himself there so he needs to discuss this sin with himself!

Mom
BarbieBF

Some days I want to....

Do I need a therapist? Anti-depressants? To change how I think? Or just a short vacation from my life? Perhaps just a short vacation. Personally I don't believe in anti-depressants for myself as I feel that if there is something about my life that is making me depressed, that can be changed, then I need to change my life. The problem is that it is not my life or choices that is making me want to bury my head in the sand.

Hubby called and asked if he was supposed to use the credit card for what he was picking up. Yes... The car we looking at buying is currently in the shop being looked over to see what needs to be done... I'm really hoping to hear today if we have been approved for the townhouse...

My son's nurse called this morning. Did you pick up his Invega shot? No I didn't and I don't have $700 plus to pick it up with. There are moments where I'm at war with my own feelings as I can tell you where I would like to send the bills and receipts for what my adult son is costing us, out of pocket, yet again. I didn't make the decisions to put us in this situation...

I called disability again this morning and I actually got a call back! They faxed, I think she said on December 24, a formal request to the office out in British Columbia (BC) asking for information on his file out there. She can't proceed until she hears back from them. I also have tried calling BC (kept getting disconnected) and emailed them. The second email directly to the office he was registered with. I shouldn't be the one dealing with this...

I have no problem with accepting responsibility for my own actions and choices. I have no problem with dealing with the consequences of things that I have done wrong. I am having a problem with being responsible for and dealing with the consequences of other peoples choices.

From day to day I don't know if my daughter is going to be staying where she is or moving back with me. She is 19 making adult choices when she really needs to be parented. I can't parent her from across the country and the parental figures closest to her are seriously dropping the ball as far as I'm concerned. She is being given way to much rope to hang herself with... Honestly I'm mad at myself for not bringing her back with me when I went to get my son. Good or bad I would have dealt with the consequences of that choice. Instead I allowed others to decide and they have not followed through or taken responsibility for that decision. 

Back to my son. Last night he again refused his Lithium as well as his Trazodone. I don't think he slept very well or even very much. When I checked on him early this morning he didn't respond to me being in his room however both of his feet were going... He also got up early. None of these are good signs from my son as it means he didn't go into a deep sleep, if he even slept. What is he doing today? Nothing... Just lying on the sofa. When his nurse called he talked to her and let her know that he is refusing to take the Invega injection. I think she tried to talk to him about coming off the Lithium, that he needs to wean himself off it, which he agreed. Of course he agreed. As far as he is concerned he has already weaned himself off it since he has gone two days without it and in his eyes is doing fine without it. I asked him today if he would be willing to go back on the Clozapine as I told his nurse that he had previously told his psychiatrist that he would so maybe we should consider it. Today he is saying no to the Clozapine. I think his treatment will be discussing his case tomorrow.

I can't see my son maintaining or even staying remotely stable on only 10 mg of Olanzapine. Him laughing out loud for no reason had started to go away when he was taking Olanzapine during the day as well as at night. Today I heard it again. 

So can I be like the ostrich in the picture? I don't know... There is the mom in me that is saying no however there is a part of me that is saying yes... When I decided to have children I did not forfeit my own life. I can love them, try my best to parent them however there comes a time when they need to be responsible for choices that they are making. All my worrying is not going to change those choices or even the consequences. 

Mom

BarbieBF

I sound burnt out? Paranoia?

My son playing the Wii u was short lived... about 15 minutes or so. Then he was throwing air punches. I asked him what he was doing and he said dancing. I replied that I have been dancing for over 30 years and that was not dancing, it looked like sparring to me. He agreed. I told him that I wasn't comfortable with him doing this within 5 feet of me so he went to his room. Shortly after he was lifting my husbands weights and I was somewhat shocked by what was coming out of his mouth. Something about inbred ignorants... I think I talked him through that stating that the circumstances of someone's birth shouldn't be held against them and that technically he was born a bastard... He should be sympathetic... Unfortunately the people we were talking about was obviously visual hallucinations.

Shortly after that his nurse called me back. His psychiatrist wants him to stay on Invega injection, he is not willing to give it every 3 weeks instead of 4 however he is upping the dose from 75 to 100 on his next dose. They will be discussing his case on Tuesday! So in the meantime we are supposed to be supplementing the fact that his Invega is NOT working enough with the Olanzapine. Honestly the whole conversation just pissed me off! I let her know that PACT is causing me to lose faith in them which apparently is fine as I don't have to trust them right just let his psychiatrist do his job. This partially in response to my questions/concerns about his serotonin being messed with too much. I seem to be the only one even looking at this and to date no one has been able to discuss or help me with my research into neurotransmitters. Have faith! Not likely. I let his nurse know what was happening and my feelings that we are seriously failing my son here. How can we expect him to keep insight or stay stable when we are not giving him what he needs. All I got in response was her agreeing with my concerns but not addressing them. Humoring me is not going to help my son. I asked on the schizophrenia.com forum if Olanzapine can cause aggression and it doesn't appear so unless in the context of withdrawal. I also fount out that the PRN dose that my son has been prescribed is actually the maximum dose for that medication. Not really reassuring. His nurse assured me that in her experience it doesn't cause aggression. It was more reassuring to hear it on the forum as these are the people taking and experiencing the affects of these medications.

About half way through this conversation I was told that I sound like I'm getting burnt out. I think I sounded mad and fed up. Honestly if they want me to trust them with my son and not be his psychiatrist then perhaps they need to show me that they can do the job. Sorry I know that I'm sounding harsh however I don't see any of them here, day to day, talking my son through delusional thinking or even helping him to understand what he is going through and experiencing. Telling me to not be his psychiatrist when he is mentally ill would be like telling any parent to not be cook, maid, teacher, therapist... You get my point. It goes with the territory. What am I supposed to say when he starts talking to me about entities? Call your psychiatrist. Talk to your treatment team about what they call voices and/or hallucinations. Ask them about dopamine and serotonin. I'm pretty sure he would believe me more at this point as very few on his treatment team have shown much practical understanding of what he is going through.

Basically I was left with the option to give or not give Olanzapine. To use my own judgement. I did give him one since the consensus on the forum was that it should knock out aggression and is giving in the ER setting for that reason. He said at first that it seemed to be helping but then later said that he felt depressed (hello serotonin blocker!) and today told me that it made him feel sick and he doesn't want me offering it anymore. I did end up giving him an supplement called 5-HTP which helps the body to produce serotonin and he said that he felt better after taking it. He wanted me to leave the bottle out... I said no that to much of it may cause mania. I let him know that the psychiatrist had left him on the Lithium in BC as he was worried about a mood component so he may be schizoaffective. My son asked what that was. It's schizophrenia with a mood component like depression. My son immediately said: Then I'm schizoaffective :) I also reminding him that he had missed his Trazodone the night before which might be further contributing to his low mood since it's supposed to increase serotonin. Honestly how am I supposed to not worry about or talk about dopamine and serotonin when the medications he is taking are having an affect on these neurotransmitters?! Wouldn't it be like not talking about the side affects of any medications and having blinders on to not try to understand? Would a doctor tell someone who is taking chemo to not worry about or talk about the fact that it is also killing the good cells and they may lose their hair or get sick? He did take his Trazodone last night and was sleeping at 12:30 and slept until 10:30.

 Maybe I should consider having him go back on the Clozapine/Clozaril as that only messes with his dopamine (if his psychiatrist will even agree now). As much as I'm not liking or he is not liking the Olanzapine it does seem to be helping to calm his voices/entities. It's just doing it with negative side affects and because of that he doesn't want to take it. *fingers crossed* that we get through until Tuesday or Monday if I need to harass the PACT Team :P

On a side note I know that technically the diagnoses is not the important part but treating symptoms is. Still if someone is schizoaffective instead of schizophrenia then certain medications can carry a higher risk of triggering mania as far as I know. Same with not acknowledging my son's ADHD symptoms. Attributing everything to schizophrenia is not going to help my son be on the right medications.

Paranoia... I can't say that I'm seeing a lot of warning signs however I am seeing some indications that it is there. Yesterday he asked me if he could have a weapon for when he goes outside to protect himself. I reminded him that the weapons he is looking for are considered to be illegal and that I don't think that he needs protection here were we live. I hate the fact that I'm constantly telling him that what he is experiencing is a symptom of schizophrenia however that is what I did, letting him know that paranoia can make him feel like he is not safe or that he needs protection.

On a lighter note. We went grocery shopping last night as my son asked to go rather then waiting until today as he has been asking most of the week for treats and I've been putting him until shopping day. I was on the phone with my daughter so I wasn't paying to much attention at the check out... We get home and my son is taking items out of the grocery bags that I had no idea he had picked up. Haha! He probably added $20-30 to the grocery bill... Hubby said he had noticed him doing it but didn't say thing :)

I'm off to continue to ignore or nicely reply with no to my son's fairly constant requests for marijuana...

Mom
BarbieBF

When will it be enough?

Yesterday was interesting and not in a good way. I don't know if it's the Olanzapine/Zyprexa or the energy drinks, 2 a day, that is bringing out his aggression and triggering his ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). I do know that I have been seriously questioning, again, if I should have had him released on Thursday. Per Wikipedia Olanzapine is an atypical or next generation antipsychotic similar to Clozapine and Quetiapine/Seroquel. It affects serotonin and dopamine. I'm beginning to think that between the Invega Sustenna, Trazodone and now Olanzapine that his serotonin levels may be getting adversely (negatively) affected. Although he was showing signs of aggression on Friday, before the Olanzapine (picked up on Saturday) or the energy drinks, when not getting his own way. Perhaps I'm just searching for an explanation where there isn't one and it's just my son's ODD rearing it's ugly head.

Yesterday started off like most days with him getting up around 11:30 or 12 after me putting him to bed at 5 AM. He had taken his Trazodone around 3 when I got up and had him take it so probably fell asleep on the sofa shortly after that. I gave him an Olanzapine. A little while later I don't recall if he asked or I brought it up but he wanted two Neurontin instead of one. I said no, only one as I'm not even sure that I'm supposed to be giving him Neurontin and Olanzapine as his psychiatrist wasn't clear on that. Then I get asked if we can go get cigarettes. He has over a carton of cigarettes however it is not the kind that he wants since I'm guessing after smoking rollies, the ones he used to smoke just aren't strong enough anymore. Two kinds of cigarettes and chewing tobacco = not enough. My answer was that he will have to adjust and mix up smoking the two kinds or go without. I'm not even sure what triggered the first outburst but can you say deja vu? We were outside smoking and he is telling me that he needs more money, that he wants at least $300 a month spending money. Honestly I have a problem with the attitude that the people who are working 10 hour days to cover disability payments with there taxes are worthless and no bodies. Which is what I got told they were when I reminded him that there are people working their asses off who don't have $100 a month spending money. In walks anger and I'm being swore at, being told to watch my tone and not yell, when I wasn't even yelling. I stood there for a moment in a bit of shock as I looked at my son's face, full of rage. I walked away. Next he wants $2 to walk to the store for candy. He has at least 4 different kinds of goodies not including the other junk food that we have. My answer is no because I just can't keep spending money like we have an unlimited supply. Friday I got him a new Wii u game for $75 because he decided he didn't like the one he had previously picked out and that I couldn't return as it had been opened and used, so he ended up with another one. Last night my husband ended up needing to sleep on the sofa as his restless leg syndrome is currently ridiculous at night. It's like sleeping beside mini earthquakes. My son of course is lying on the big sofa. I get up to check and my husband who is a big guy is trying to get to sleep on the love seat. I ask my son to go to his room. His answer: Let me catch my breathe. I can't say how many times I have heard that in the past when my son's ODD was acting up and anything that I asked him to do was met with defiance, not doing it just because I asked him to and purposely making me wait. He gets up and starts telling me to kick him out and send him to a shelter. Not the first time I have heard him ask to go to the shelter in the last couple of days when he isn't getting his own way. I tell him no that I'm not kicking him out and that I'm not playing this retarded game with him again. I'm being swore at again and yes this time I raised my voice and told him that he is losing the internet for swearing at me. He says he can't live here and would rather be in a shelter. So living in a shelter where he is being told what time to go to bed, what time to get up, what time to eat, with no privacy, internet, laptop, Wii and having to be up and out everyday is better then living here? Apparently yes and I'm being told to get the fuck out of his room... He ended up calling 911 asking for assistance on how to stop my illegal pestering that I was hurting his spirit. I went to put some pants on while I listened to his side of the conversation discussing that he has schizophrenia. I went outside for a smoke while we waited for the police to attend. They showed up and the first thing he was told was that there is no such thing as illegal pestering and that he shouldn't be swearing at his mom. They took there notes, chatting for a couple of minutes and asked me if it was ok that he stay. I told them that I didn't have a problem with him being here that he is the one that doesn't want to be here and wants me to kick him out to a shelter.

So now I find myself in a bit of a conundrum (confusing or difficult problem). I'm pissed. I'm pissed because I'm hurt. I'm hurt because nothing I do seems to good enough for him. Because I haven't been being strict on structure and scheduling, I'm having a hard time getting his medications in him at the appropriate times. Because I want him getting all of his medications in him he has been getting medications early as he is not up long enough in the day to accommodate how they are being prescribed. His Olanzapine is supposed to be twice a day, morning and night, with 12 hours in between. He is not getting up until between 11-2 and still wanting his next dose between 7-9. Same with his Neurontin. Yesterday I gave him his next dose early because he said he needed it.

This morning he got up and went to the sofa around 6:30 AM. When he spoke to me it was very nice... Asking if he could have the internet back. I have been sworn at three times since Friday so no I don't think so. I told him at 8:30 that he needs to be up by 9. It's now almost 10:30 and I just got his first Olanzapine in him. Several times I reminded him to take it because if he doesn't take it now than he will not get another one today. From now own he needs to take them as prescribed. He says yes then does nothing. Refuses to take it. I asked him if he was paralyzed. I asked him this because last night after the police left he stated that he couldn't get off the sofa when I asked him to because he was paralyzed. I truly don't believe this as he was capable of talking to me and he was moving around on the sofa, just not getting up, so not paralyzed. His answer to being paralyzed this morning: Yah I guess so as he is stretching and moving around. Really!? I swear my son knows exactly what to do to piss me off. Either way if he thinks that a shelter live is better then this one... Okay. No more sleeping all day. No more staying up til 3 or 5 in the morning. No more getting medications outside of their prescribed time or without his psychiatrists okay. I asked him how the shelter got him out of bed since getting him up has not been easy today. He tells me that it would be easier for him to wake up if he had something to do. Really? What did he do at the shelter? No internet there. Apparently it's still preferable to being here...

What is the conundrum I find myself? I have been told by my son's Nana that if I was to put my son 'out on the street' again that she would step in again. Granted this time I'm sure that the people that actually purchased the ticket the last time wouldn't, considering the outcome. Will this stop her? Good question however I'm not sure that it is one that I want to find out as in the long run it will be my son paying the price as he did the last time. So I'm yet again between a rock and hard place. Try to do what I think is right for the long run and risk more interference or go against everything that I believe to be right so that we don't find ourselves repeating September, October and November. If it happened would I step in to fix it again? If it wasn't for my husband I wouldn't have had the resources to do what I have done for the past two years. Maybe that is my answer. I don't have the resources to continue to fix and take responsibility for choices that I am not making. I truly believe that no one else can provide my son with the same level of care that I can. For clarification I am not saying that I am going to send my son to a shelter. I am just talking out what is going through my mind right as I weigh the pros and cons of what I should be doing next. I am weighing them because if my son decides that he would rather be in a shelter then it may happen regardless of what my intentions are. He made sure that it happened the last time so what is stopping him from manipulating and making it happen this time? Since it worked the last time why wouldn't it work this time?

My son just proceeded to punch the door entering our apartment, hard and twice for affect... Why? Because I'm refusing to give him back the internet. Good reason to vandalize someone else's property, isn't it? I got told that if I didn't he was going to lose control like he did last night when he swore at me and gave me the finger (I missed that) which he just proceeded to do yet again, calling me a fucking slut! What a sweet boy he is... (sarcasm) He was in control when he punched the door and it was obvious that he was. I can't even imagine calling my mother a fucking slut and certainly not for telling me that she deserved to be treated with respect in her own home. Sitting here with my son towering over me, giving me the finger, threatening to lose control, calling me a fucking slut while I keep my own voice neutral and I'm thinking: Am I in danger? Sadly the answer just maybe yes. Awesome isn't it!

The police just left with him and are taking him to a shelter since that is apparently where he wants to be. I tried talking to him while he was waiting for them, saying that I don't understand why he is making this choice. How is a shelter better then here? Because they can give him more. I asked what the more was but he couldn't answer, just more and that he will find out and for me to fucking shut up. I called his case worker while we were waiting and let her know what was happening and that I don't know what to do. The familiar, it's behavioral... Yes I get that but it's being motivated by something. His ODD, maladaptive or inappropriate functioning of his flight and fight response, the Olanzapine or a combination of these with his current instability? The police asked me if he can come back? I'm not kicking him out. I told him he can't come in if he is not in control and that I'm not putting myself at risk if I'm in danger. He didn't like that as in his eyes I'm supposed to lay down my life for him, needlessly if necessary. Who cares how that might affect other people in my life like my daughter or my husband? That's right we are all worthless and nobodies. He is making the choice to go to the shelter. I packed up his back pack with what I think he will need and let the police know about his medications, that he has already taken what he can for the day so if they see him taking more pills to be on the lookout as he already said something this morning about taking enough Olanzapine to get high. Can he contact me? Yes, my son knows how to contact me when he wants something, always has, even in psychosis and he now has a cell phone that I just got hooked up on Saturday under my plan. At least this one I can disconnect, with no penalties if needed. He won't contact me unless he wants/needs something because I am of no use to him when he is like this.

His case worker let me know that his psychiatrist wants him to stay on the Invega shot with an upped dosage from 75 mg to 100 mg. Can't see that going over very well but it's not my call. She will also talk to his psychiatrist and ask if the Olanzapine can cause aggression however this was starting before the Olanzapine and she doesn't think it's likely. I did finally get a call from his disability worker this morning. She is being held up waiting for clarification from disability in the other province stating that she has left them several messages with no response. She can't issue a drug card without reactivating his file and can't do that without hearing back from them. I had told her that I would call disability in the other province to see if I can further it along however now that my son isn't here to help with the call, I'm not sure how far I can get as they will want to talk to him.

So now what?.... FML... I don't know. I guess I will just have to wait and see how things play out. My son started this with I'm sure the same intend as the last time. He is most likely being driven by the want or need to self medicate or satisfy his addiction. At least that is what his case worker suggested and upon further thought she is mostly likely correct. He has never been able to satisfy it very well here but he has certainly tried his best while in British Columbia. I guess I can't blame him for wanting to take what he thinks is the easy route, regardless of the consequences. Hopefully it won't come to that again as honestly it just might take a miracle or some other miraculous event to make me put myself out there like that again. If he stays I will be there by his side like I have been and continue to do my best to give him the life that he deserves but if we repeat September... then maybe it will be time for me to let go and let him destroy his live and others in the process. I guess I can prey for a miracle. T'is the season after all...

Mom
BarbieBF

Have I been played again?

Monday night I lost the battle of keeping my son away from alcohol. He went and got a small bottle of vodka. Not that it did him any good, in fact, it seems to have made things worse and I think he sees that. I asked him yesterday to throw it out as I don't know where it is. He is hiding it somewhere in our apartment building. Mind you I haven't searched his room so for all I know it could be in there.

Wednesday we ended up in emergency and he was formed or sectioned on a 72 hour hold for observation. I don't know if the events leading up to this were real or not. My son was asking for help for what he is going through, which is good, however he was asking for me to allow him to smoke marijuana. Of course I wouldn't agree to this and we ended up discussing benzos. As some of you may be aware I am very much against my son being prescribed these as I have yet to see them do him any good. Still I found myself hesitating and questioning if I should be so strict about them if my son was in a place where he really needed them. He has been wanting Ativan/Lorazepam for awhile now and is more then willing to go to the hospital for symptoms if that means he will get them. He knew that I was relenting and willing to consider it. I was totally caught off guard when he 'opened up' to his case worker on the phone and started talking about what he had been going through for the past 4 or 5 days. My son doesn't open up like that unless he is pretty deep into psychosis and I had not see any signs indicating that he was that psychotic. Still I didn't question and as I listened my heart bleed for him. I fought to keep myself from openly crying as I listened to him talk about how he had been killing spirits and that he had felt suicidal 4 days ago. I was crushed. I felt like both myself and the system were failing my son as here he was opening up and asking for help and we were not giving him what he needed. Later that morning I was advised to take him to the ER as after his case worker had relayed the things that my son had told her, his psychiatrist advised that he needed to be admitted. My son quit happily agreed that he needed to go to the hospital. As I type this I think to myself: Wow, can I be naive!? My son want to go to the hospital... Only if there is a chance to get Ativan. I was thinking with my heart instead of my head.

So I call a cab and off we go. By mid-afternoon he was informed that he was being formed and getting held for observation. His case worker at PACT was sending over a transcript of the things that he had told her. His reaction. Surprised and somewhat upset as according to him he was only there to get Ativan. This is where I'm having trouble. I know that my son was and is experiencing symptoms and voices. I know that he is struggling. I don't know if it is to the extent that he has implied. I have been watching my son and in the past my son's face or more to the point, his eyes have tendency to give away how bad his psychosis is. He will look similar to a combination of over tired and high. His eyes will have a glossed over look. I haven't been seeing this. This time he requested that I be a part of the assessment process. Is it because he thought he had an ally this time in getting Ativan? I hate that I have to question this however when I step back and look at the facts they easily speak for themselves. Other then some excessive foot movement my son was very relaxed throughout the assessment process. He was not showing any signs of extreme duress or agitation. At one point he told a nurse, after me prompting him to be honest, that he had 27 voices. Again my heart bleed, my poor son... Now I can ask myself if he has ever had that many voices? Not that I'm aware of and his answer was so quick, without a thought. He didn't have to think and count them. An indication of truth or lie? I don't know. I can say that he didn't seem to have a problem ignoring them while he spent a significant amount of time on my cell phone looking up a new gaming system that he wanted for being there... Yes I'm naive at times ;) I'm guessing 27 voices would not have allowed that.

Thankfully his psychiatrist sent over instructions that he not be given the Ativan and Haldol that they were going to give him. Instead he received 10 mg of Olanzapine/Zyprexa. Shortly after this I had to leave and had my husband take me to Walmart to get him the Wii u that he had settled on. We are selling the PS4 to help cover the cost of it. Later that night I was getting the phone call: Can you come bring it to me now. Sorry no. We had just gone to bed and my husband had to get up at 2 in the morning to go snow plowing. The next morning I started getting phone calls at 8. Between trying to get the Wii u set up and waiting for a long time for a cab due to bad weather, I finally made it to the hospital around 11 to find out he had been moved to the psychiatric wing. On my way over there I ran into his psychiatrist in the hospital lobby. I asked him what he was planning for my son and let him know that unless he was planning on drastically changing my son's medications that I didn't think he needed to remain in hospital. I did bring up to him my concerns that I have started to question my son's motivates regarding coming to the hospital and that I'm worried he may have exaggerated his symptoms to get Ativan. His psychiatrist was somewhat surprised and said that my son had not asked him for this. No and he won't. My son is more honest with me then he is with his treatment team. He was quit open with me about the fact that he wanted the Ativan and that that is why he was there. Of course he is not going to tell his case worker or his psychiatrist this. He is much smarter then that ;) His psychiatrist did discuss the fact that what he saw when he saw my son didn't support what his case worker had reported. We discussed with my son that he would not be getting a benzo and discussed other medications. He agreed to keep trying the Olanzapine stating that the voices were all gone. Hmmm, 1 dose of Olanzapine got rid of 27 voices in less then 12 hours? His psychiatrist did bring up the Neurontin asking if my son wanted to go back on it. It wasn't said for sure one way or the other however I did start giving it to him yesterday. I will let his team know. Still waiting to hear what is happening with the Olanzapine as the prescription was faxed over to PACT to fill and they haven't gotten back to me yet. It is being prescribed as a prn or as needed up to 2 times a day.

Yesterday was an up and down day. My son and I butted heads when I refused to agree to have my husband drive him around to look at gaming systems. He had decided the Wii u wasn't what he wanted. I got told to F off and he stated that he couldn't live here... Sound familiar? I just calmly said ok and said he needed to call PACT and discuss living arrangements with his case worker. Less then 20 minutes later he was nicely asking me to help him set up the Wii u. I reminded him that he had recently told me to F off and he apologized that he had gotten angry. He has now decided to keep the Wii u! I have tried to talk to him and explain that I'm not sure any gaming system will satisfy him since him feeling like this is part of the schizophrenia. We have been through this so many times. So many items purchased that didn't give him the satisfaction he was looking for.

Last night I don't know what to think of. My husband, after working all day, had to go snow plowing again last night and since my son seemed to be doing good I let him know that I was going to take a sleeping pill if he was ok with that. I actually asked him if he was suicidal and if he would be ok if I did. He said yes. Apparently not. I forget why he woke me up the first time as the sleeping pill affect was pretty strong at that point. The second time was because he had dropped and broke a glass of pop and couldn't clean it up. I somehow muddled through cleaning that up. Not very good it seems considering the glass I picked up this morning.  I woke up on my own at 3 and did my best through my sleep haze to talk him into taking his Trazodone and going to bed. I'm not sure what he was doing at this point. The best I can figure is chanting... Yes chanting or spiritually sacramenting entities. He seems to be stuck on the word sacrament, whatever that means to him since I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what the word really means. I think it was 5 when I managed to get him to take his Trazodone which he told my husband who must have gotten home sometime between 3 and 5, that it probably wouldn't help him sleep. How do you know if you haven't tried? This type of reasoning seems to escape my son when he is like this. Anyways he toke it and was asleep when I got up at 7. Thankfully he slept until 1:40 PM and seems to be doing better today.

I don't know what to think. On some levels he is being very odd yet on other levels he seems to be regrouping or recovering. He has been playing the Wii u for the past hour or so and seems to be functioning well enough. His anger moment yesterday was short lived. I did leave a message with his nurse at PACT this morning that I don't think he is on enough antipsychotics. Speaking off, when I saw his psychiatrist at the hospital he said something about the Invega shot having been upped from 75 mg. I think he was thinking about putting my son back on the Clozapine however I talked to his case manager and let her know that I would rather him be tried on oral Invega before going back to the Clozapine. I like what I see with the Invega, it's just that the dosage doesn't seem to be high enough. Hopefully they will take my recommendation. I did just receive a call from the pharmacy letting me know that my son's Olanzapine will be ready tomorrow as they had to order it. I asked how much? $127.82. Awesome! Another call and message to his disability worker letting her know that we have been trying to get a hold of her for over 3 weeks, that my son has signed a consent for her to talk to me and that this prescription needs coverage for tomorrow. I also stated that Ontario Works will not cover him as he has a pending file with them. Fat lot of good it will do but it was worth a try or two or three... You get my point.

On another note. I'm trying to find us another place to live. It would be nice if something went easy for me! I'm hoping! There is not a lot available in our city. I have found 2 townhouse complexes that I'm interested in. One I'm really liking. 3 bedrooms, 1.5 baths, washer and dryer and unfinished basement with 1 parking spot and a back yard. $400 more a month rent however worth it to get us out of here. Plus it's not to far from the mall so maybe I can look there for a part time job once I think my son is stable enough. Another good note. My son is in the shower! He wants to walk to Walmart and exchange the Wii game I got him for another one that is online. I have bread to start so it can rise while we are gone...

Mom
BarbieBF

Invega Sustenna - going... going... gone.

Since about Wednesday of last week I have been watching my son struggle. At first I thought it might be residual from his break. Symptoms that just didn't want to give in that easily. However it's been about 5 days and each day I can see where they are getting harder for my son to deal with. Voices or entities that are becoming more entity then voice (seen and heard). It's the Invega leaving his system. Oh joy! He is due for his next shot tomorrow however I called PACT this morning and his nurse is going to try and make here today. I have asked if they can give him this every 3 weeks instead of every 4 weeks as he is not going to be able to recover and gain stability if he is having break through symptoms every 3 weeks. His nurse did come to administer the shot. He doesn't like them and wants to go back to taking pills every day. Reminded him he has a tendency to stop taking them, which he is fine with :)

Just found out today that his Lithium was upped to 600 mg per day instead of 300 mg. I found this out through the pharmacy as I was informed that it had been filled and was waiting for his disability drug card. Of course no one has heard from disability yet. His case worker called again and this time left a message with a supervisor. PACT has been trying to transfer his prescriptions to the pharmacy they use however payment for this is still not taken care of. For now I will have to pay for his Lithium and I'm glad that they upped it to 600 mg as maybe it will help him to feel better.

This morning he told me that he was unhealthy, that he could feel it. Each day is questions about the spirits. Last night he asked me about Jesus. Jesus is not a topic that I wish to discuss with him while he is experiencing these symptoms as it's based on his voices/entities and their very child-like and most of the time nonsensical (having no meaning, making no sense) words. He did tell me one day that he thought they were stupid and he admitted today that they were irritating him.

Yesterday we were at the mall and we got our picture taken with Santa. I had planned on us watching the Santa Clause Parade however I seemed to have been the only one up for standing in the cold to watch it so we only watched the first 20 or so floats. After walking around the mall taking care of some things and waiting in line for Santa, my son was pooped out. I did get his cell phone unlocked so that I can add him to my current plan. He wanted a new cell phone but I said no. He already has two cells that haven't been paid for and I have no intention of setting him up with another one that will lock me into any type of contract for it. It will take up to 7 days for the phone to be unlocked then I can add him to my plan, month to month, just talk and text. He doesn't need data since he has a laptop that he can do all that stuff on. I do worry about leaving him home alone now that I don't have a home phone so this way he will be able to contact me if he needs me.

He has been wanting to drink alcohol since the day he visited his friend and had a beer. I think between that and his voices he is looking for some relief. I have managed to talk him out of it so far. His friend popped by the other day then asked him to come over. That was a worrying conversation for me. His friend wants me son to move in with him and his girlfriend. He is also planning on taking over the apartment next door from his dad. Both bad news as far as I'm concerned. I have already started looking for another place to live. *fingers crossed* for me that I find something soon! After that visit my son checked his bank account and somehow had money in it. Talked him out of spending it on alcohol if I got him one of his Christmas presents early which was an upgrade to his World of Warcraft account. That held until last night when I had to remind him that he had promised me that he wouldn't spend it on alcohol and I was holding him to that promise. Of course he asked again today and I said no. Hopefully the shot he got today will help to relieve his voices some so that he doesn't want to medicate them with alcohol so he can relax.

Watching him be so tired today, as I think he had problems getting to sleep last night, is saddening. Even with the Trazodone his mind didn't want to stop and he ended up sleeping on the love seat in the living room. Hubby was on big sofa... Hubby spend some time on Sunday teaching my son how to shave as I wasn't to sure how capable my son was at this point to do it on his own. His cognition/thinking is still not back to normal for him. Today he asked about getting a Christmas present early, any present, to make him feel happy. I gave him one. It was a Hot Wheels race track that I thought might entertain him after he bought some Hot Wheels cars once shopping. He seemed to really like the idea however once it was set up he just found it confusing. Yes this disease is frustrating. This sadness is coming from within and no toy is going to fix it and certainly not if he can't think to even play with it.

I will pick up his Lithium tonight and hopefully between an upped dose of that and his shot today then by tomorrow he will start to come around and feel better.

Mom
BarbieBF

Pretty good weekend

The weekend went pretty good. Friday was a good day. My son wanted McDonald's for dinner and wanted to go grocery shopping so he had a shower. Even brushed his teeth without me saying anything. I was brushing mine and he came into the bathroom with me and did his. I'm glad that some of my previous expectations have not gotten forgotten. Going out in public with me requires minimal personal hygiene when he is capable.

He did go see his friend on Friday... He had no idea that his friend was across the hall until someone started yelling his name from outside as no one was answering the buzzer. I guess the concept of no one being available or awake didn't mean anything. So my son heard and of course quickly went to investigate. Thankfully he only visited for about 10-15 minutes before coming back home.

Slowly my son has been getting back into using the laptop. It was good to see him actually playing some games on it although he doesn't seem to be able to keep it up for long periods. The downside to this of course was the inevitable (unavoidable) requests for me to purchase gaming subscriptions for him. My answer was no as I had warned him when he decided to spend the last of his money on alcohol that my answer would be no. This resulted in a phone call to his Nana for money and of course some attitude regarding how much money I was going to be taking from his disability payments. I told him that disability is not paying him for entertainment purposes then reminded myself that I don't intend to be a part of these types of conversations if I can help it, so went outside for a smoke so that I wouldn't be a part of it.

I did end up paying for his Trazodone as he needs it for sleep and I know that it can also help with some of his restlessness during the day. Thankfully it is one of the cheaper ones and only cost me $13.24 and so far he has been taking it without any complaints. He did miss his Lithium one day and the following day stated that he felt depressed so I reminded him that he had missed his Lithium and this may be the cause.

He has been up and down over the weekend. Some periods he seems ok and other times the psychosis is showing itself. Yesterday, Monday, was an off day as the voices were back and he spent a fair amount of the day seemingly wondering aimlessly around the apartment. Not getting enough sleep may have contributed to this as my husband was home from work so we took advantage of this to take an early trip to the disability office to find out what was happening with his file. Of course his worker was off! His file is still on hold which means a drug benefit card can't be issued. We did write a note where my son consented to me having access to talk to his worker and also letting disability know to release the room and board portion of his payments to me as I reminded my son that he had given his word that he would do this. I also had them take a copy of his disability payment from British Columbia and the receptionist noted that his last payment was for December which will probably affect his file and may affect his ability to get drug benefits as well. I was already aware this would probably happen and this is why I wanted them to have a copy of his last payment. I would rather deal with it now then have my son face any type of fraud charges later for not disclosing this information. We will have to contact British Columbia today to get his file out there closed. I let the receptionist know that I had held off doing this in case I could use his medical coverage from out there, here and she said no it doesn't work that way. *fingers crossed* I hear something back from his worker today.

After the disability office we took a drive as my husband needed to get something on the car looked at then we got Tim Horton's and brought my son back home while my husband and I finished Christmas shopping for my daughter. I also got my son a new pair of track pants since he only had the one pair and a new scarf and toque (hat) set. We also got him some Jamaican patties, pizza pockets and stuff to make breakfast sandwiches since going to Tim Horton's and McDonald's will not be regular occurrences like before. I had my son pick from the presents that I got for his sister, the ones that he would like to be from him and got the parcels sent out to my daughter.

Like I said yesterday was an off day. Voices or entities were obvious and he laughed at/with them a fair amount. They were discussing soul sanctums... Trying to understand what is so funny about these conversations is not easy as to me as I don't get what is so funny about soul sanctums. Still I guess if being in psychosis is anything like being high (both are too much dopamine) and having been high myself, yes things like this can appear to be funny at the time. I asked if the voices felt that were he is now is safe as a sanctum is a safe place and he said: yes.. no.. yes I think so. I told him to tell them thank you if they felt that our home was a safe place as I want him to feel safe here.

He's been taking a multi-vitamin everyday, knock on wood! It seems every time I blog about my son doing something that is good and healthy, something happens or he happens to interfere with that so hopefully I didn't jinx it! ;) The Omega 3's he is resisting, saying that they make him feel sick.

I have been trying to get him into bed at reasonable hours however I'm not having to much luck with that. It depends on when I wake up in the night. Sometimes it's 3, sometimes it's 5. One night he ended up sleeping on the small sofa as my hubby was sleeping on the big one as his sleep apnea and restless leg were driving us both nuts! Last night I managed to wake up and get him to bed by 2:30. It's now 12:37 pm and he is still sleeping. I asked him if the extra comforter on his bed has helped and he said yes.

The mess that I ended up cleaning up at 2:30 this morning so that my husband would have room on the counter to make his lunch didn't make me happy. Will have to find some way to approach this as really my husband shouldn't have to clean up the kitchen at 5 in the morning to make his lunch.

I have some cleaning to do...

Mom
BarbieBF

Some good, some bad but coming together.

As I figured my son bought chewing tobacco along with a cigarette case and a lighter. I do believe he is now broke which in some ways is a good thing. He also went to the store last night for cigars and instead came back with a hookah and flavored herb to smoke in it. I checked and it was 0% nicotine and tar, just flavored herb. He didn't get much enjoyment out of it which means it will just turn into something else I have to keep an eye on that it doesn't get used for marijuana. I already warned him that if it does then it's going in the garbage then and there. He has already started asking McDonald's and if I can 'give him' money every week. No I can't. I'm not an endless source of money and it's time he adjusted to that. All these extras add up and really if he wants McDonald's then he should have passed on the speaker, hookah, salvia & pipe and the two energy drinks he had last night and ended up being up all night. He has spent $325 in less then 3 days. I don't have $325 to blow on whatever I want. Technically I have $0 since I have no income and this last week has cost my hubby about $2000 since his earnings pays the bills.

We did receive a phone call back from Ontario Works for the medication coverage. They were able to confirm that his ODSP (disability) file was on hold so not closed, so they would not cover it. I was told to talk to a supervisor at ODSP about having his file reinstated and if that didn't work then our MP. I told her I've already called ODSP 4 times and left 3 or 4 messages and I don't have a week for a MP to do something. Luckily my son's case worker from PACT took him out today. She took him to the PACT office and he signed the necessary releases so that we can talk and she can talk to ODSP etc. Yah! She took him directly to the ODSP office and to his bank to get copies of his bank statements. She will be faxing them to ODSP and hopefully soon they will be sending a copy of a drug benefit card to the pharmacy so we can get his Trazodone tonight. Apparently she was told that my son should be receiving an ODSP payment at the end of December FOR December. Sounds good right? He has already received monies FOR December and technically you can't double dip. The fact that he will receive payment at the end of December for December confirms what I have been saying about ODSP all along. They pay a month behind when it's room and board. I'm guessing that they may be assuming that British Columbia works the same way and that the payment he received at the end of November was for November but that is not the case. *sigh* I'm not sure I even care at the moment. They can figure it out once they get his bank statements.

My son received a notice in the mail yesterday from Fido and they will be cancelling his account and sending it to collections for non-payment. He also owes Koodo. He got two cell phones while in the shelter and unstable. One got stolen and he got another one with another service provider. Maybe him having bad credit will stop him from being able to do this again? Granted it will stop him from getting a cell phone when he is stable and ready to really have one however I'm not sure this is something I should be taking responsibility for.

After his case worker dropped him off he fairly quickly went to sleep. I'm glad as I know he needed it after being up all night. *fingers crossed* we get the Trazodone filled tonight and he takes one and gets a good night sleep.

We had steak and perogies for dinner last night which he ate good. Tonight I'm thinking about making a french loaf of bread and spaghetti with meatballs. He should enjoy that too, I know hubby will!

Mom
BarbieBF

Salvia and psychiatrist's visit

We have had our run in with Salvia and Wild Dagga in the past when my son first came to live with me April 2013. It seems we were destined to have another run in with it yesterday.

DrugFacts: Salvia

I wrote about it in my first chapter here: http://schizophreniamomsjourney.blogspot.ca/p/1-my-big-boy-is-home.html

It produces hallucinogenic experiences that mimic psychosis. I had forgotten this and my son had already talked about wanting to get some on the plane ride home. I just told him not in the home so of course off he went to the corner store and came home with it and a pipe. I looked it up again and informed that it was a no go and why. He didn't argue and said ok to throwing it out and didn't put up a fight about me throwing out the pipe as well stating whatever didn't cause an argument between us. I would have to say I'm really liking the Invega :)

I'm not sure how much of what happened between us before he was taken to the shelter is playing a role here however he is still wanting to be out on his own. I think he still wants to do what he wants when he wants however without the attitude and since he can't do that here I think it is motivating him to want his own place. The reality is that him wanting his own place right now is not a good thing. He is not capable of taking care of himself. We are in agreement that a group home will help to teach him the necessary skills to take care of himself. He will always have people to talk to and will never be alone. He will be a part of that community and the things that they do. I assured him that this happening does not stop me from being mom that he will never lose this. I will always be a part of his life no matter where he is.

I did take a peak at some notes on the laptop yesterday... There is one dated July 30 stating not to worry that he would soon be moving to a place where he could live in peace. Kind of telling that perhaps the whole scenario was partially orchestrated by him to get what he wanted. Him telling me that he wanted me to kick him out because he didn't want to be here seems to support this. He had a goal in mind and he made sure it happened. I guess I will have to have my own guards up to make sure I don't get pulled into this type of thinking again since my son is very good at knowing what buttons to push.

My son seems to be doing much better. Yesterday there was no obvious signs of voices. No laughing for no reason. He went to the corner store by himself and he also biked to Walmart by himself to get a new PS4 game. He also came back with a speaker. Oh joy! Definitely have to get him out to buy enough cigarettes to last him awhile before his money is all gone as I gave him his bank card yesterday, letting him know that that money may have to last him 3 months since I still don't know the status of his disability file here.

When he got up yesterday the first thing he did was to walk out and pat me on the head. He does this sometimes and I think it's his way of showing me affection. He set his PS4 up in the living room and I let him know that is fine however in the evenings when my husband is home then he can't have control over the living room TV. He had trouble getting the PS4 screen to fit the TV screen so I looked it up and fixed it. He commented how I seem to be able to fix these things when he can't just like I have in the past for him. Hubby commented along the lines that I'm more then a pretty face. Yup I'm all that! ;) It felt good to have this banter happening with my son.

I made fish, rice and vegetables for dinner since I know my son likes rice and the fish is good for his brain, especially right now. He ate all of his rice and vegetables and over half of his fish. I was impressed! He even took 2 Omega 3-6-9 supplements and a multivitamin. We had discussed the Omega 3 on the plane as being part his 'very healthy life' note. While there doesn't seem to be conclusive evidence that Omega 3 helps or prevents schizophrenia there are still a lot of studies and testimonials showing that it can help with symptoms.

Omega 3 fish oils tested as preventative approach to schizophrenia with positive results

I'm really hoping that I can get him started on some healthy routines and habits now so that as he gains stability there will be less resistance to following through on them.

We discussed an appropriate bedtime. I wanted 11 however he asked for somewhere between 12:15 and 12:45 and I agreed. My son is pretty consistent in not following through or following rules... He was still up at 3 so I shooed him off to bed. Of course there was the usual me getting up to ask him to turn things down as it was keeping me awake. I'm guessing my insomnia is going to love this! As I was finally getting it under control...

His psychiatrist was here this morning. He will be doing a prescription for Trazodone that my son can take as needed. He suggested other ones like Seroquel which is a sedating antipsychotic however I said no as I know my son didn't like it the last time he was put him on it. I suggested the Trazodone as I know that he never had a problem with taking it other then not wanting to take 200 mg. He didn't mind taking 100 mg when he did take it. He agreed when the psychiatrist asked him about it. I asked the psychiatrist about his Gabapentin/Neurontin since I still have them and he said it's probably best to limit the number of medications he is taking for now. I have always appreciated the approach of his psychiatrists here to not have him on more medications than is necessary. I was worried that the amount of his Invega shot may not be high enough however he is doing better now so hopefully we can keep it at 75 mg. It appears that a Community Treatment Order is a no go for now. Even though he was inpatient for over 30 days in British Columbia, he has not been inpatient for over 30 days here in Ontario so he doesn't meet the criteria here. He has to have been inpatient for 30 days within the last 3 years here in Ontario or a previous CTO in Ontario, which hasn't happened.

Community Treatment Orders - Ontario

He wanted to call his friend to go see him however I let him know that I am saying no to that happening right now as he is unable to say no to drugs and alcohol on his own so for now I get to be the bad one and say no for him. He wanted to know why it's such a bad thing so I asked him how many breaks would he like to have? And explained that each break causes brain damage so how much damage does he want to do? If he wants to become retarded (sorry if that offends anyone) then keep going... He can't remember how to sign into online banking or how to use his visa bank card and I explained that's because his last break seems to have caused some damage. He seems fairly accepting of letting me think for him right now however I'm not sure how long that is going to last. He also seems agreeable to participating more with PACT and their group programs as I told him that that is another area that he can become a part of that community. This came up when he asked me for ideas on how to fill in his morning routines. He actually just talked to his case worker as he asked about having someone to talk to do about his personal problems so I suggested he talk to PACT. I'm hoping to further his bound with them so that he knows that they are always there to help him and support him. She is coming to see him tomorrow and they may be going for coffee!

PACT is trying to get his Trazodone prescription done and have it delivered to us by the pharmacy. Sometimes I get a little tired of having to explain how thing work to people :) I asked who was going to pay for it? The pharmacy should have his last ODSP (disability) card... Yes and they get a new card every month so the one sent out for September will not cover November. *sigh* They haven't been able to get a hold of ODSP either. We were given a number to call for medical coverage outside of ODSP and they should be calling us back tomorrow as his file was marked as urgent. *fingers crossed* they approve him. I wish I had known about this the last time as I might not have had to pay for his medications for 3 months. Oh well... Live and learn right? His case worker may even go to ODSP in person tomorrow if they can't get anywhere. I told her it's really nice to have someone do something for me for a change!

Hubby is on his way home from work and it's off to get cigarettes... Knowing my son he will also get some chewing tobacco. Yes ewww... Although he said it's better then satisfying his other addictions which I have to agree :)

Mom
BarbieBF

Discharged... What?!

That was pretty much my reaction on Friday morning when I called the hospital and was told that my son had been discharged. That my reaction was incredulous to say the least. Skeptical, shocked and mad were each fighting there way up to the surface as I was wondering who's ass I would put in that proverbial sling first. The lady in patient locating caught my obvious tone of bewilderment and fairly quickly said she would check for any notes regarding the discharge. He had been transferred to another hospital the night before. Whew! Would be an understatement on the relief I felt that he had not been discharged.

I called the new hospital and spoke to his nurse. She said that he was settled in and resting. I questioned the resting part as if he was awake and not moving I wouldn't call it resting. I asked if he was sedated and she said no he hadn't had much medications. I should have asked her if she noticed his foot going a mile a minute which I'm sure it was. I was asked if there was any foods that he liked because he wasn't eating and 'Was that normal for him?'. Sometimes I want to ask if they have any experience with psychosis from working in a psych ward? Because honestly I have to wonder. He is not eating because he is in psychosis. Hello! Anyone home up there? It reminded me of when my son was hospitalized last September (full psychotic break) and a nurse said to me 'Your son thinks you are trying to kill him. Do you know why?' I guess the diagnoses paranoid schizophrenia went over some peoples heads.

I patiently explained that yes it is normal for my son not to eat when he is in psychosis. He is to far in his own head or in psychosis to eat. Same with resting... He is not resting. I would bet my live on it that his mind or thoughts were racing a mile a minute. I was told that there was a patient phone that I could call and they would get him up to answer it. I said no I would wait a couple of days. Based on what I have seen in the past and what I was being told, there was no way that I was going to try and force my son to have a coherent conversation when he is obviously not up to it. Trying to force his brain to deal with reality before medications have a chance to work would be putting more stress on his brain which was certainly not needed, in my opinion.

I did let the nurse know which medications I believed would help to get him stable. Let her know that Trazodone would help him sleep and that Neurontin/Gabapentin helps a lot for his anxiety. All the while thinking that I sounded like a broken record since I had just done this less then a month ago and several other times over the past two months. I also gave another heads up on his actual diagnoses being paranoid schizophrenia with concurrent disorders. One being addiction so be careful with benzo's. I also gave a heads up on no stimulants for his ADHD - his foot going a mile a minute.

I just talked to my son on the patient phone. A fairly short conversation but at least he is still managing to respond to my I love yous. I asked him if he knew why he was in the hospital. He said because he hasn't been taking his medications since he went out there. I asked if he remembered hitting his grandmother. He stumbled and fell because he was almost dying although he doesn't know why he was almost dying. I seriously hate this disease at times like this. What it does to the mind and memory. If he can't see what schizophrenia is causing him to do... If he is sheltered from the reality of what he is capable of doing when he is in psychosis, how will he ever know what it is that we are fighting against and what the medications are helping to stop? I think he needs to know. He needs to know and see what schizophrenia is capable of making him do.

Still I set here questioning myself and not taking action. Honestly I can't believe I'm not following my gut on this... Like I haven't learned to trust it yet?! In life I think the things we feel the most quilt over are the things that we didn't do as apposed to the things we do wrong. We can sometimes be lucky enough to fix the wrongs that we have done but we can never go back and do what we should have done in the past. Will I have to deal with the guilt of doing nothing? God I hope not. I know why I'm not doing what I think is best. It's because I'm not sure of the support that I think that I should get to accomplish what is needed. As long as there is 'interference' then I will never have the assurance of knowing that bumps in the road are just that. Even if I decide to get guardianship, my son will always fight to take the easy road instead of centering on his own recovery. Round and round my mind goes...

Mom
BarbieBF