I guess it was last Wednesday, after I attended the meeting at the shelter, that my son was given vouchers for the Salvation Army for clothing. I don't know what it is about brown corduroy that attracts him when he is not stable. He got a pair of corduroy pants and a brown coat. When he was in the shelter in September 2014 he found a brown corduroy jacket that he took a liking to. He seems to like the feel of it however I can't say that I like how he looks in these items.
Since last Wednesday hubby and I have seen him fairly frequently. Wednesday night hubby dropped off a carton of cigarettes on his way snow plowing. Thursday my son called, he needed a ride to disability as a check was waiting for him. That was an interesting conversation with his worker. Apparently I was making her feel guilty by trying to make her responsible for the money that office was giving him. Imagine that! Who should I be holding responsible? Avon? Anyways I apologized and stated that I'm frustrating with fighting every system to keep my son stable. He doesn't want to pay me room and board because he wants to buy 'luxury' items or drugs. She received the signed document giving me access to his file yet somehow doesn't seem to have the signed document stating that his room and board was to go into my account even though they were both dropped off and signed at the same time. She wouldn't acknowledge receipt of a fax I had sent the previous week stating my concerns. I can't say how many times I have been tempted to start writing letters to the local newspapers and our MP. I still might...
Eventually my son agreed to pay me room and board for January. I gave him $160 and agreed to allow $50 more for cigarettes that I would hold on to. Friday he was calling me stating that he had spent the $160 at a bar and was out of cigarettes. A carton in 2 days. His case worker from PACT saw him after that phone call and he told her he had $100. Not sure why he lied to her... or me. Friday hubby and I moved so I told my son that I couldn't make this a priority and he was going to have to wait. Saturday on the way to snow plow hubby dropped off 2 packs of cigarettes and $20. Sunday he is calling me that he is almost out of smokes and spent the $20 on junk food. Ya right! Monday we dropped of 4 packs of cigarettes and $5. Yesterday we dropped of 4 packs of cigarettes, some treats and $5. I told him that was it for the extra $50.
Last week I had him give me his tablet and Nvidia gaming system for safe keeping since he wasn't using it. He got into his head he wanted to sell them for furniture. You know for the place that he doesn't have... I told him I would think about buying the tablet from him when he gets a place so that he can buy furniture. Then he wanted me to sell the tablet and game so that he can buy a PSP portable. Hmmm no. I have done this twice now and I'm not doing it again.
He is supposed to get another check from disability tomorrow. He called me this morning wanting me to buy the tablet now so that he can have more money. If I had to hazard a guess at what is happening... It wouldn't surprise me if he is thinking about a plane ticket. If that is the case there is no way that I'm contributing to what I think will be the possible death of someone. Which would mean it's being discussed on a phone that I pay for, behind my back, again. Hopefully I'm wrong but if the past is an indication of the future...
Apparently my son said no to ADAPT for addiction help. He told me that he didn't but I have been told by I think 2 workers that he did. He is somewhat unstable however not unstable enough to not be up to his old tricks it seems. He is missing some doses of his medications. The night he went drinking of course being one of them. Sadly I don't think he has showered since he has been there and has been wearing the corduroys since he got them. Surprisingly he doesn't smell that bad.
Our move on Friday went very well. Thanks to my hubby's family it went quickly. I think this is the first time that I have been responsible for paying for my own electric heat. We pretty much froze for the first couple of days until hubby said that's enough. I guess seeing me sitting at my computer in a sweater, wrapped in a blanket with gloves on was a bit much ;) I just feel bad sometimes. I don't want to be any more of a drain on my hubby's money then I already am. My son does that enough ;) Still I didn't argue when he said turn up the heat. Now a sweater and slippers are manageable. We pretty much have everything set up except for putting up stuff on the walls. Yesterday we put my son's room together.
Tuesday I saw my family doctor for the remainder of my yearly physical. All my blood work looked good. It looks like my iron levels are up and my hemoglobin is now in normal range. I also had him put me on an antidepressant. I think a combination of worry/stress and my hormones are catching up with me. Everything was bothering me and getting on my last nerve. Poor hubby has been getting the brunt of it. My sensitivity to noise has gotten really bad to the point of wanting to cry over things that have only bugged me in the past. To be blunt, I've been a biatch with him since my son went into the shelter. Hubby says I'm losing weight. I've gone most of my life without people telling me I look or sound stressed. Now it's happening too often ;) He put me on Effexor or generic Venlafaxine. Started me on the lowest dose of 37.5 and to double it after 2 weeks. I asked to only stay on the minimum dose as I only want a little help until I can get things back together and I'm going to have to look into counselling. His office gave me some resources to look into. So it's up to me if I want to double it after 2 weeks. I joked with the pharmacist when I picked up the prescription that now it's my turn to be on meds. This is when I noticed that it was Venlafaxine as the doctor called it Effexor. Threw me for a second that I was being put on a medication that my son has been on.
The first dose made me fairly nauseous. Now it's not as long as I eat with it. It may be interfering a bit with sleep but that's hard to tell since my insomnia has been acting up again. I am taking it in the morning as it can cause bad dreams. I have noticed that sounds are not pissing me off as bad so that's a good thing. My doctor also said that it's a good med for menopause so it should be a good fit for what I'm going through. He mentioned hormone replacement therapy however I'm more comfortable treating my menopause with herbs and it's been working until now. I can up what I take for herbal supplements since I don't take the recommended doses anyways.
The day has gotten away from me so I'm off to start a loaf of bread. Make the house smell like home ;)
Mom
BarbieBF
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Showing posts with label Insomnia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Insomnia. Show all posts
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Monday, January 5, 2015
Some days I want to....
Do I need a therapist? Anti-depressants? To change how I think? Or just a short vacation from my life? Perhaps just a short vacation. Personally I don't believe in anti-depressants for myself as I feel that if there is something about my life that is making me depressed, that can be changed, then I need to change my life. The problem is that it is not my life or choices that is making me want to bury my head in the sand.
Hubby called and asked if he was supposed to use the credit card for what he was picking up. Yes... The car we looking at buying is currently in the shop being looked over to see what needs to be done... I'm really hoping to hear today if we have been approved for the townhouse...
My son's nurse called this morning. Did you pick up his Invega shot? No I didn't and I don't have $700 plus to pick it up with. There are moments where I'm at war with my own feelings as I can tell you where I would like to send the bills and receipts for what my adult son is costing us, out of pocket, yet again. I didn't make the decisions to put us in this situation...
I called disability again this morning and I actually got a call back! They faxed, I think she said on December 24, a formal request to the office out in British Columbia (BC) asking for information on his file out there. She can't proceed until she hears back from them. I also have tried calling BC (kept getting disconnected) and emailed them. The second email directly to the office he was registered with. I shouldn't be the one dealing with this...
I have no problem with accepting responsibility for my own actions and choices. I have no problem with dealing with the consequences of things that I have done wrong. I am having a problem with being responsible for and dealing with the consequences of other peoples choices.
From day to day I don't know if my daughter is going to be staying where she is or moving back with me. She is 19 making adult choices when she really needs to be parented. I can't parent her from across the country and the parental figures closest to her are seriously dropping the ball as far as I'm concerned. She is being given way to much rope to hang herself with... Honestly I'm mad at myself for not bringing her back with me when I went to get my son. Good or bad I would have dealt with the consequences of that choice. Instead I allowed others to decide and they have not followed through or taken responsibility for that decision.
Back to my son. Last night he again refused his Lithium as well as his Trazodone. I don't think he slept very well or even very much. When I checked on him early this morning he didn't respond to me being in his room however both of his feet were going... He also got up early. None of these are good signs from my son as it means he didn't go into a deep sleep, if he even slept. What is he doing today? Nothing... Just lying on the sofa. When his nurse called he talked to her and let her know that he is refusing to take the Invega injection. I think she tried to talk to him about coming off the Lithium, that he needs to wean himself off it, which he agreed. Of course he agreed. As far as he is concerned he has already weaned himself off it since he has gone two days without it and in his eyes is doing fine without it. I asked him today if he would be willing to go back on the Clozapine as I told his nurse that he had previously told his psychiatrist that he would so maybe we should consider it. Today he is saying no to the Clozapine. I think his treatment will be discussing his case tomorrow.
I can't see my son maintaining or even staying remotely stable on only 10 mg of Olanzapine. Him laughing out loud for no reason had started to go away when he was taking Olanzapine during the day as well as at night. Today I heard it again.
So can I be like the ostrich in the picture? I don't know... There is the mom in me that is saying no however there is a part of me that is saying yes... When I decided to have children I did not forfeit my own life. I can love them, try my best to parent them however there comes a time when they need to be responsible for choices that they are making. All my worrying is not going to change those choices or even the consequences.
Mom
BarbieBF
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
11 PM and I'm not impressed
When you write a blog there is always the possibility that people are going to read it :) I know. You are thinking that is the point right? It's the who that I'm trying to sort out in my head. Granted doing it at 11 PM probably isn't the best time to be blogging about it but here I am.
My daughter called me today to tell me that she and her Nana liked my last blog post. Good right? I guess it's what the rest of the conversation implied that I'm still trying to get my mind around. The implication that I only see schizophrenia when I look at my son. I'm not blogging about knitting or Lego's even though those things may get mentioned. I'm blogging about me, my son and schizophrenia. So the question is why is this upsetting me? It's because not for the first time, I get the feeling that my daughter's opinions of me and my blog and writings are not completely her own opinions. As a parent do you ever get that feeling when you are listening to your kids talk that something just doesn't sound right? It doesn't sound like them talking. It's their voice but it's not their words. Since I started blogging I have had to deal with positive and negative feedback and I take it in stride as not everyone is going to see or agree with my point of view. It's not everyone's opinion of me that matters to me. My daughter's opinion of me however does matter to me a great deal and I'm having a problem with the fact that I think she is forming opinions of me and my blog that are in fact not her own opinions but being shaped by someone else. I hear the words and they are not her words. I hear the implications and they do not sound like her thoughts. Maybe I'm wrong but I have learned to trust my gut on things like this.
Why am I awake after 11 PM blogging about it? My phone rang at 10:48, the number was private. Any insomnia sufferers? You know that feeling when you are just about to go under? The phone rings, rings, rings, rings you pick it up, say hello and click... The person hangs up. Nope, not impressed.
Oh well. Hopefully the second melatonin I had to take will do the trick.
Mom
BarbieBF
My daughter called me today to tell me that she and her Nana liked my last blog post. Good right? I guess it's what the rest of the conversation implied that I'm still trying to get my mind around. The implication that I only see schizophrenia when I look at my son. I'm not blogging about knitting or Lego's even though those things may get mentioned. I'm blogging about me, my son and schizophrenia. So the question is why is this upsetting me? It's because not for the first time, I get the feeling that my daughter's opinions of me and my blog and writings are not completely her own opinions. As a parent do you ever get that feeling when you are listening to your kids talk that something just doesn't sound right? It doesn't sound like them talking. It's their voice but it's not their words. Since I started blogging I have had to deal with positive and negative feedback and I take it in stride as not everyone is going to see or agree with my point of view. It's not everyone's opinion of me that matters to me. My daughter's opinion of me however does matter to me a great deal and I'm having a problem with the fact that I think she is forming opinions of me and my blog that are in fact not her own opinions but being shaped by someone else. I hear the words and they are not her words. I hear the implications and they do not sound like her thoughts. Maybe I'm wrong but I have learned to trust my gut on things like this.
Why am I awake after 11 PM blogging about it? My phone rang at 10:48, the number was private. Any insomnia sufferers? You know that feeling when you are just about to go under? The phone rings, rings, rings, rings you pick it up, say hello and click... The person hangs up. Nope, not impressed.
Oh well. Hopefully the second melatonin I had to take will do the trick.
Mom
BarbieBF
Monday, August 25, 2014
More of the same
The last couple of days have pretty much been a repeat of Friday. Every morning it's hearing him say that he took his pills and must have insomnia. Once I count them and tell him that he didn't take them, he takes them and within 45 minutes is off to bed for 10-12 hours. Gets up around dinner time. He is eating some which is good. I question whether he is eating because he wants to or because he knows that part of the reason he got admitted to hospital in September was due to not eating, drinking and sleeping. That is how he remembers it. And the marijuana of course. He doesn't really remember the psychosis part or how bad it was. The laughing or hysterical laughing is still happening. I usually ask him to go to his room if he has to do it and he stops. My husband got up to it happening this morning.
Friday night I managed to get him to wash his bedding and do a load of laundry. Making his bed I found about 10 knife holes in his sheet and in the mattress. It's an $800 mattress that we got for my daughter after her scoliosis surgery. I'm glad I got the knives out of his room when I did before any more damage was done.
I know how much my son likes to go to the park so Friday night I told him that if he went to bed at a reasonable time then Saturday we would go for a picnic, after he showered of course. He liked the idea however stayed up all night again so that didn't happen. Hubby and I went grocery shopping alone which saved as about $50 :) And my son thinks he only eats $20 a week in food...
Sunday my hubby told me that it felt like I was trying to pick a fight with him. After some thinking, he may have been right. There is a part of me that wants to fight for my son and in a lot of ways I can't. I can't fight what schizophrenia is doing to him. I can't make him see that the choices he is making is doing him more harm then good. I'm afraid I'm not as open to discussions of his 'spirituality' as I used to be. Personally I don't believe it is spirituality. It is a symptom of his schizophrenia that masks itself as spirituality. I did tell him to ask himself one question. If he was meant to live as a purely spiritual being then why was he put here on earth in a physical form? I don't believe the universe made a mistake. I believe he was meant to live a life that takes both into consideration. How many years does he want to waste looking for answers that schizophrenia only tempts him with? Since I can't fight schizophrenia perhaps I was looking for a fight with my hubby ;)
His case worker took him to pick up his Lithium and Neurontin on Saturday. He still hasn't showered so it will be two weeks tomorrow. Wore the same shirt for 3 days which he finally took off last night. Like I said, more of the same...
Mom
BarbieBF
Friday, August 22, 2014
Hurry up and wait game
I know someone who uses this phrase a lot and in this case it certainly fits. I feel like I'm playing a game of hurry up and wait. Wait to see if he is going to pull himself out of it or wait for the break. Either way I wish that it would hurry up and happen one way or the other. I think I have said this before! Deja vu!
This morning was another morning of him stating that he must have insomnia because he took his pills but couldn't sleep. He hadn't taken his pills. His confusion on this is not getting any better as I believe that he really did think that he had taken them. He did take them, his Clozapine and Lithium, and within 45 minutes went to bed after being up again for 19 hours. In the meantime I was listening to more laughing for no apparent reason. The laughing has been back since the 19th. He is explaining it away as a stress reliever and that he is laughing at stupid mental pictures. More animals although this time no mention of cow udders (it's ok I smiled too!) which is what he found so amusing the last time this happened. I think it's sheep this time. At this point I'm unsure if he is experiencing voices or not, although he says that he isn't. Of course I believe him... not. Voices are part of what got him admitted last time.
Turns out it was the Seroquel that made him feel like crying. Not the Trazodone. Something else he was confused about which is not like him. He is usually pretty on top of the names of his medications. I woke up one morning to my knife sharpener missing. I know he has a fascination with his switch blade and pocket knives but I put them all away. He asked me about them yesterday and I told him that I put them away. I haven't thrown them out and he can have them back but with him feeling suicidal I didn't feel comfortable with him having them in his room. The morning we took him to the hospital he had stated that he might as well slit his wrists if he has to be on pills for the rest of his life. He didn't deny feeling suicidal...
His case worker was here yesterday. He didn't remember meeting her on the 18th. His psychiatrist decided not to come see him because if the hospital would not admit him then there probably isn't too much that he can do except to have his case worker try to talk him into going back on the Invega. He is still refusing even though she tried to explain to him that if he wants to obtain his goals of moving out and being on his own than he needs to be more alert and functioning. She did comment that he seemed more alert. I don't think it's a good alert, I think it's more along the lines of his mind raising. She had to repeat a lot of what she was saying because he would stop focusing on her. Then it was like he would come back to seeing or focusing on her. While he may not have any overt signs of voices I do believe that they are there.
The lady from Ready4Life dropped off two applications today for group homes. One of them may have an opening coming up around September. So far we are all in agreement that this is probably the best choice for him. He wants his own place but he can't take care of himself and is unable to see that. He will have his own room and be expected to help and participate with chores and participate in daily activities. It has 24/7 onsite support staff and the majority of their clients are between the ages of 20-30 and 60% male. They also charge on a sliding scale so he can afford it. They will help teach him life skills. He didn't seem to impressed when I told him about the chores. I reminded him that he says that he is capable of doing them so it shouldn't be a problem. He also showed some resistance to the idea that they may oversee his medications. His case worker explained that it is nothing personal, they are just doing their jobs, which seemed to ease his defiance a little bit. Or he lost his focus again.
Overall he is barely maintaining be 'stable'. He is eating some. Sometimes he will have some supper but he is not eating like he normally does. Not drinking as much as he normally does. He hasn't been on his computer in days. I'm guessing he can't think or concentrate to be on it. He's been watching TV all night although I don't think he is watching it. He doesn't appear to be changing channels or turning it up to the volume that he usually watches TV at. I know because I'm usually asking him to turn it down in the middle of the night. So basically he is sitting or lying on the sofa with the TV on. I noticed this morning as well that he wasn't smoking cigarettes. When stressed he can smoke one every 15 minutes so if it has progressed to the point that he isn't smoking for extending periods then he is much to far into his own head space. I asked him last night why hasn't called his Nana yet and he said that he didn't know. Again I'm guessing that he just can't think to do it. He hasn't showered since the 12th and I don't think he has brushed his teeth since then either. He is sometimes changing his shirt. One day he did manage to groom his facial hair. I have no idea what prompted that. Ego? :) I have been reminding him to wash his bedding as it needs it. He acknowledges that it needs to be done and that it is a good idea but doesn't do it. The mom in me is having a tough time not pushing him to do these things or do it for him however doing it for him won't change the fact that this is currently where he is at. It would be like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. The band-aid won't fix it or cover it up.
His caseworker did take him to get his monthly blood work done and he did call in and refill his Lithium. She will probably take him to pick it up tomorrow although that means he only has 300 mg for tonight/tomorrow morning instead of 600 mg. I'm obviously not going to send him to a shelter like this, so that is off the table for now. For now it's just waiting... Hope that he pulls it together or has a break so that the damage being done to his brain is minimal.
Mom
BarbieBF
Knife Sharpener Guy
This morning was another morning of him stating that he must have insomnia because he took his pills but couldn't sleep. He hadn't taken his pills. His confusion on this is not getting any better as I believe that he really did think that he had taken them. He did take them, his Clozapine and Lithium, and within 45 minutes went to bed after being up again for 19 hours. In the meantime I was listening to more laughing for no apparent reason. The laughing has been back since the 19th. He is explaining it away as a stress reliever and that he is laughing at stupid mental pictures. More animals although this time no mention of cow udders (it's ok I smiled too!) which is what he found so amusing the last time this happened. I think it's sheep this time. At this point I'm unsure if he is experiencing voices or not, although he says that he isn't. Of course I believe him... not. Voices are part of what got him admitted last time.
Turns out it was the Seroquel that made him feel like crying. Not the Trazodone. Something else he was confused about which is not like him. He is usually pretty on top of the names of his medications. I woke up one morning to my knife sharpener missing. I know he has a fascination with his switch blade and pocket knives but I put them all away. He asked me about them yesterday and I told him that I put them away. I haven't thrown them out and he can have them back but with him feeling suicidal I didn't feel comfortable with him having them in his room. The morning we took him to the hospital he had stated that he might as well slit his wrists if he has to be on pills for the rest of his life. He didn't deny feeling suicidal...
His case worker was here yesterday. He didn't remember meeting her on the 18th. His psychiatrist decided not to come see him because if the hospital would not admit him then there probably isn't too much that he can do except to have his case worker try to talk him into going back on the Invega. He is still refusing even though she tried to explain to him that if he wants to obtain his goals of moving out and being on his own than he needs to be more alert and functioning. She did comment that he seemed more alert. I don't think it's a good alert, I think it's more along the lines of his mind raising. She had to repeat a lot of what she was saying because he would stop focusing on her. Then it was like he would come back to seeing or focusing on her. While he may not have any overt signs of voices I do believe that they are there.
The lady from Ready4Life dropped off two applications today for group homes. One of them may have an opening coming up around September. So far we are all in agreement that this is probably the best choice for him. He wants his own place but he can't take care of himself and is unable to see that. He will have his own room and be expected to help and participate with chores and participate in daily activities. It has 24/7 onsite support staff and the majority of their clients are between the ages of 20-30 and 60% male. They also charge on a sliding scale so he can afford it. They will help teach him life skills. He didn't seem to impressed when I told him about the chores. I reminded him that he says that he is capable of doing them so it shouldn't be a problem. He also showed some resistance to the idea that they may oversee his medications. His case worker explained that it is nothing personal, they are just doing their jobs, which seemed to ease his defiance a little bit. Or he lost his focus again.
Overall he is barely maintaining be 'stable'. He is eating some. Sometimes he will have some supper but he is not eating like he normally does. Not drinking as much as he normally does. He hasn't been on his computer in days. I'm guessing he can't think or concentrate to be on it. He's been watching TV all night although I don't think he is watching it. He doesn't appear to be changing channels or turning it up to the volume that he usually watches TV at. I know because I'm usually asking him to turn it down in the middle of the night. So basically he is sitting or lying on the sofa with the TV on. I noticed this morning as well that he wasn't smoking cigarettes. When stressed he can smoke one every 15 minutes so if it has progressed to the point that he isn't smoking for extending periods then he is much to far into his own head space. I asked him last night why hasn't called his Nana yet and he said that he didn't know. Again I'm guessing that he just can't think to do it. He hasn't showered since the 12th and I don't think he has brushed his teeth since then either. He is sometimes changing his shirt. One day he did manage to groom his facial hair. I have no idea what prompted that. Ego? :) I have been reminding him to wash his bedding as it needs it. He acknowledges that it needs to be done and that it is a good idea but doesn't do it. The mom in me is having a tough time not pushing him to do these things or do it for him however doing it for him won't change the fact that this is currently where he is at. It would be like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. The band-aid won't fix it or cover it up.
His caseworker did take him to get his monthly blood work done and he did call in and refill his Lithium. She will probably take him to pick it up tomorrow although that means he only has 300 mg for tonight/tomorrow morning instead of 600 mg. I'm obviously not going to send him to a shelter like this, so that is off the table for now. For now it's just waiting... Hope that he pulls it together or has a break so that the damage being done to his brain is minimal.
Mom
BarbieBF
Knife Sharpener Guy
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Conflicted
Today I'm feeling a little conflicted. The police were at my door again last night and informed me that my downstairs neighbors are deceased. Today is the first day in awhile that I was able to leave my apartment alone and feel safe in doing so. That is a relief. It is very sad though that this relief comes at such a high price and that is two people's lives.
I'm also conflicted on how to proceed with my son. He has not been taking his medications properly. I just talked to him about the fact that I have been counting his pills and that they don't add up. He has only taken 4 Invega in the past week when there should be 7 gone. He acknowledged that he hasn't been taking them, that he doesn't need them, this after trying to tell me that he has been taking them. He may have taken 50 mg of Clozapine last night however he is supposed to be taking 150 mg. He has not taken his Lithium in 2 days. First he tried to tell me that he took his pills after waking up this morning. I counted them today after he was asleep and he hadn't woken up and the count hadn't changed from yesterday. I have been noticing that he is, again, sometimes randomly laughing or giggling out loud for no apparent reason. Great!
I just told him that he needs to wash his bedding. It smells.
I got up this morning to the coffee table a mess again.
I'm thinking that I am not in that good of a mood today. Shouldn't getting a good night sleep have the opposite affect?! I have actually slept through the night for the last two nights. I don't think that has happened in years! I'm not sure if my insomnia is finally under control or if knowing that there have been police officers around has contributed. I'm going to go with having my insomnia under control, I hope!
Should I try getting my son's treatment involved? I'm not sure it will do much good at this point. For now I will *cross my fingers and toes* and hope that he remembers or decides to take his pills tonight...
Mom
BarbieBF
I'm also conflicted on how to proceed with my son. He has not been taking his medications properly. I just talked to him about the fact that I have been counting his pills and that they don't add up. He has only taken 4 Invega in the past week when there should be 7 gone. He acknowledged that he hasn't been taking them, that he doesn't need them, this after trying to tell me that he has been taking them. He may have taken 50 mg of Clozapine last night however he is supposed to be taking 150 mg. He has not taken his Lithium in 2 days. First he tried to tell me that he took his pills after waking up this morning. I counted them today after he was asleep and he hadn't woken up and the count hadn't changed from yesterday. I have been noticing that he is, again, sometimes randomly laughing or giggling out loud for no apparent reason. Great!
I just told him that he needs to wash his bedding. It smells.
I got up this morning to the coffee table a mess again.
I'm thinking that I am not in that good of a mood today. Shouldn't getting a good night sleep have the opposite affect?! I have actually slept through the night for the last two nights. I don't think that has happened in years! I'm not sure if my insomnia is finally under control or if knowing that there have been police officers around has contributed. I'm going to go with having my insomnia under control, I hope!
Should I try getting my son's treatment involved? I'm not sure it will do much good at this point. For now I will *cross my fingers and toes* and hope that he remembers or decides to take his pills tonight...
Mom
BarbieBF
Friday, August 8, 2014
5 nights and counting
My son has not slept on the sofa for 5 nights!
His nurse was here yesterday morning. Of course my son slept through that appointment as he hasn't been going to bed until late and sleeping late. I talked to her about some steps I want to start taking in letting my son be more responsible for his own medications and treatment. I have been going to the hospital to pick up his Clozapine for him. From now on PACT will pick it up for him. He needs to start relying on them more and me less. I wrote in his day planner when he needs to call and refill his Lithium and Invega with the telephone number of the pharmacy. Just in case he is unable to follow through on this then PACT can have his prescriptions moved to another pharmacy and they can pick them up for him every month. I also talked to his nurse about helping him to stay on top of his monthly blood-work. This is also written in his day planner however he is not looking at it. I talked to my son about this yesterday letting him know what his nurse and I discussed and that the day planner isn't going to do any good if he doesn't actually use or look at it.
I have also decided to stop giving him his pills every night. I need to know if he is going to follow through and do this on his own. Being med-compliant is a lot easier when someone else is preparing them for you. I cleared off some room on his dresser and put his pills there along with his day planner. 3:30 or 4 this morning I was reminding him to take them as I guess he forgot to. I had woken up and seen him in bed so left my own bedroom door open so that I could hear if he was up and down. A sure sign that he hasn't taken his pills. I heard him get up and reminded him. He took them stating that he wondered why he couldn't sleep. Not particularly reassuring. If it wasn't for the sedating affect or the risk of insomnia I have to wonder how med-compliant he would actually be if he could sleep good without them.
His nurse asked me if I had heard from the lady from Ready4Life. I wasn't even thinking that I wouldn't since my son refused to sign a release giving me access unless an emergency. I guess she hasn't gotten back to PACT either so I don't know what is happening with that. His nurse dropped off paperwork for him to register or sign up for subsidized housing. Could my son fill it out or me help him? Not that I don't want to however PACT is supposed to be helping him with this and I really doubt that he could fill it out without help. I told my son what is was and that Ready4Life or PACT could help him. That I can help him too but that he needs to start relying on them more if he can't do it on his own.
I also tried to express my concerns with his nurse over how things would proceed if I was not around to ensure that most appointments were kept or what will happen when he is on his own. I can't say the answer was reassuring. If they have clients that receive injections or need medications administered by them then they have to keep trying to see the person however if that is not the case then appointments get missed. Like I said. Not reassuring. We did discuss moving his weekly appointment with her to another day as on Thursdays she can't see him in the afternoon and he is rarely awake at 11:30 AM. Will see how Wednesday afternoons work out. Still waiting on the new lady that started with PACT that is more family orientated. I guess she is swamped so it's taking her time to fit us in. Hopefully Monday she will finally get to met my son.
I haven't said much here about my son's Nana. I had asked that he not contact her and I guess he hasn't. I let him know yesterday that he could providing he leave me out of any conversations with her.
That's it for today ;)
Mom
BarbieBF
His nurse was here yesterday morning. Of course my son slept through that appointment as he hasn't been going to bed until late and sleeping late. I talked to her about some steps I want to start taking in letting my son be more responsible for his own medications and treatment. I have been going to the hospital to pick up his Clozapine for him. From now on PACT will pick it up for him. He needs to start relying on them more and me less. I wrote in his day planner when he needs to call and refill his Lithium and Invega with the telephone number of the pharmacy. Just in case he is unable to follow through on this then PACT can have his prescriptions moved to another pharmacy and they can pick them up for him every month. I also talked to his nurse about helping him to stay on top of his monthly blood-work. This is also written in his day planner however he is not looking at it. I talked to my son about this yesterday letting him know what his nurse and I discussed and that the day planner isn't going to do any good if he doesn't actually use or look at it.
I have also decided to stop giving him his pills every night. I need to know if he is going to follow through and do this on his own. Being med-compliant is a lot easier when someone else is preparing them for you. I cleared off some room on his dresser and put his pills there along with his day planner. 3:30 or 4 this morning I was reminding him to take them as I guess he forgot to. I had woken up and seen him in bed so left my own bedroom door open so that I could hear if he was up and down. A sure sign that he hasn't taken his pills. I heard him get up and reminded him. He took them stating that he wondered why he couldn't sleep. Not particularly reassuring. If it wasn't for the sedating affect or the risk of insomnia I have to wonder how med-compliant he would actually be if he could sleep good without them.
His nurse asked me if I had heard from the lady from Ready4Life. I wasn't even thinking that I wouldn't since my son refused to sign a release giving me access unless an emergency. I guess she hasn't gotten back to PACT either so I don't know what is happening with that. His nurse dropped off paperwork for him to register or sign up for subsidized housing. Could my son fill it out or me help him? Not that I don't want to however PACT is supposed to be helping him with this and I really doubt that he could fill it out without help. I told my son what is was and that Ready4Life or PACT could help him. That I can help him too but that he needs to start relying on them more if he can't do it on his own.
I also tried to express my concerns with his nurse over how things would proceed if I was not around to ensure that most appointments were kept or what will happen when he is on his own. I can't say the answer was reassuring. If they have clients that receive injections or need medications administered by them then they have to keep trying to see the person however if that is not the case then appointments get missed. Like I said. Not reassuring. We did discuss moving his weekly appointment with her to another day as on Thursdays she can't see him in the afternoon and he is rarely awake at 11:30 AM. Will see how Wednesday afternoons work out. Still waiting on the new lady that started with PACT that is more family orientated. I guess she is swamped so it's taking her time to fit us in. Hopefully Monday she will finally get to met my son.
I haven't said much here about my son's Nana. I had asked that he not contact her and I guess he hasn't. I let him know yesterday that he could providing he leave me out of any conversations with her.
That's it for today ;)
Mom
BarbieBF
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Oops. Things not always as they appear...
Most of the time I think I have a pretty good grasp on what is happening but sometimes I have to acknowledge that I can be wrong. Yes I can do that ;) Yesterday my son asked me if I had seen his vaporizer as he thought someone had stolen it. I told him that I had it and why. He had a good explanation. During our last grocery shop I bought him a light wave speaker. He is using the charged vaporizer to power the speaker so that he can move it around with him. He pointed out that he can't use the vaporizer for weed as he would have to make it into liquid first. Yes I know but I couldn't rule out him doing this. So for now the use of the vaporizer has been explained.
My son is struggling right now and I'm not to sure how to help him. He told me yesterday that he has been asked to not attend the YMCA for schooling as he is not progressing. I will have to call or email them on Monday as I'm thinking there is a little more to it then that. I remember when he had his first appointment with them to sign up, being told that they have some who have been there for a long time as they can work at their own pace, so I'm not to sure I understand what is happening. Perhaps he is being nudged into applying himself more? He said that he can't do it so he will have to start looking for a job. If he can't apply himself to 6 hours a week schooling then chances are he can't apply himself to learn a job. He seems to think that working is easy and takes no mental effort. Delusion or immature thinking? Since he doesn't have much personal experience to draw from on this then I'm thinking lack of experience or immature thinking. We both agreed that he will have to learn for himself that it does take mental effort to do a job.
He said that he can't put into words the 'stress' that he is currently experiencing that maybe one day he could explain it to me so that I can understand. Personally I don't think that he even understands the stress that he is feeling as he doesn't want to or can't understand the negative impact of symptoms. It's times like this that I myself have to re-evaluate my opinion on whether or not my son has schizophrenia. I explained to him that there is more to schizophrenia then positive symptoms like hallucinations and voices. There is also negative symptoms which get in the way of people's ability to cope with normal life stresses. On the surface his life can not, in my opinion, get much easier. I pointed out that he was doing great up until the Adderall and nothing else has changed so it's his inability to cope that needs to be looked at. I took a leap and suggested that maybe we need to look at upping his anti-psychotics for a little bit until things can get under control again. He doesn't want to be on pills for the rest of his life. 'I would rather die...' My heart hurt when I told him that he may need to be on pills for the rest of his life if he does in fact have schizophrenia.
He seems to understand that he needs help however he wants to be prescribed benzodiazepines even though he knows that he will not have an easy time getting them. He also doesn't want anti-depressants. I know that he doesn't like being on the Clozapine and doesn't want to be on another anti-psychotic since in his eyes he doesn't need them. I don't know how to help him come to terms with this and I am afraid to push and cause his ODD to flare up. I don't know if it's his ADHD or schizophrenia symptoms but for the past couple of days he has been pretty jittery. Not really hyper like I have seen where he is punching his bed or hitting walls or jumping like a 5 year old but like a muted undertone of something not right. Maybe it's time to look into another medication. I know that he has been tried on a lot of them but they were during times of chronic high marijuana use and nothing seemed to help except the Clozapine. I have heard of some good results with Latuda. It's an atypical or new generation AP that seems to work on blocking or antagonizing dopamine D2 receptors. No I don't really understand exactly what this means except that it helps to limit the amount of dopamine my son's brain has to work with. Clozapine is also one. I look at these things as I believe my son's brain produces too much dopamine and especially after the Adderall certain types of medications will do him more harm then good.
Because of his legs going pretty non-stop I asked him last night if he wanted a Neurontin. The last time I gave him one he didn't take it so I'm never to sure if I should be giving it to him or not however I do know that despite his tendency to try and abuse it that it does help with his anxiety and it does seem to help keep his mood more stable. It works on the central nervous system. I'm hoping that he took the one that I gave him last night. He was up this morning when I got up just before 6 stating that he had been asleep for a couple of hours but woke up and was just having a smoke. He seemed too alert to have already been asleep. His pill dish was empty and he is sleeping sound now so I'm guessing he took them shortly before I got up. One of the benefits to my insomnia is that being up and down all night allowed me to keep a closer eye on him so that I could nicely nag him into taking his pills and going to bed. Maybe knowing that my daughter is around and can get me up if needed is allowing me to sleep better.
I almost feel like we are on a precipice or the edge of a cliff and I don't know if we are going to go over or manage to shuffle ourselves out of harms way. I don't know how to move us forward and away from this edge without causing harm yet I also feel that if we don't move forward then we will inevitably succumb to gravity and fall of the edge anyways. We can not stay teetering as we are. Perhaps I can but for my son it is not a good place.
Mom
BarbieBF
My son is struggling right now and I'm not to sure how to help him. He told me yesterday that he has been asked to not attend the YMCA for schooling as he is not progressing. I will have to call or email them on Monday as I'm thinking there is a little more to it then that. I remember when he had his first appointment with them to sign up, being told that they have some who have been there for a long time as they can work at their own pace, so I'm not to sure I understand what is happening. Perhaps he is being nudged into applying himself more? He said that he can't do it so he will have to start looking for a job. If he can't apply himself to 6 hours a week schooling then chances are he can't apply himself to learn a job. He seems to think that working is easy and takes no mental effort. Delusion or immature thinking? Since he doesn't have much personal experience to draw from on this then I'm thinking lack of experience or immature thinking. We both agreed that he will have to learn for himself that it does take mental effort to do a job.
He said that he can't put into words the 'stress' that he is currently experiencing that maybe one day he could explain it to me so that I can understand. Personally I don't think that he even understands the stress that he is feeling as he doesn't want to or can't understand the negative impact of symptoms. It's times like this that I myself have to re-evaluate my opinion on whether or not my son has schizophrenia. I explained to him that there is more to schizophrenia then positive symptoms like hallucinations and voices. There is also negative symptoms which get in the way of people's ability to cope with normal life stresses. On the surface his life can not, in my opinion, get much easier. I pointed out that he was doing great up until the Adderall and nothing else has changed so it's his inability to cope that needs to be looked at. I took a leap and suggested that maybe we need to look at upping his anti-psychotics for a little bit until things can get under control again. He doesn't want to be on pills for the rest of his life. 'I would rather die...' My heart hurt when I told him that he may need to be on pills for the rest of his life if he does in fact have schizophrenia.
He seems to understand that he needs help however he wants to be prescribed benzodiazepines even though he knows that he will not have an easy time getting them. He also doesn't want anti-depressants. I know that he doesn't like being on the Clozapine and doesn't want to be on another anti-psychotic since in his eyes he doesn't need them. I don't know how to help him come to terms with this and I am afraid to push and cause his ODD to flare up. I don't know if it's his ADHD or schizophrenia symptoms but for the past couple of days he has been pretty jittery. Not really hyper like I have seen where he is punching his bed or hitting walls or jumping like a 5 year old but like a muted undertone of something not right. Maybe it's time to look into another medication. I know that he has been tried on a lot of them but they were during times of chronic high marijuana use and nothing seemed to help except the Clozapine. I have heard of some good results with Latuda. It's an atypical or new generation AP that seems to work on blocking or antagonizing dopamine D2 receptors. No I don't really understand exactly what this means except that it helps to limit the amount of dopamine my son's brain has to work with. Clozapine is also one. I look at these things as I believe my son's brain produces too much dopamine and especially after the Adderall certain types of medications will do him more harm then good.
Because of his legs going pretty non-stop I asked him last night if he wanted a Neurontin. The last time I gave him one he didn't take it so I'm never to sure if I should be giving it to him or not however I do know that despite his tendency to try and abuse it that it does help with his anxiety and it does seem to help keep his mood more stable. It works on the central nervous system. I'm hoping that he took the one that I gave him last night. He was up this morning when I got up just before 6 stating that he had been asleep for a couple of hours but woke up and was just having a smoke. He seemed too alert to have already been asleep. His pill dish was empty and he is sleeping sound now so I'm guessing he took them shortly before I got up. One of the benefits to my insomnia is that being up and down all night allowed me to keep a closer eye on him so that I could nicely nag him into taking his pills and going to bed. Maybe knowing that my daughter is around and can get me up if needed is allowing me to sleep better.
I almost feel like we are on a precipice or the edge of a cliff and I don't know if we are going to go over or manage to shuffle ourselves out of harms way. I don't know how to move us forward and away from this edge without causing harm yet I also feel that if we don't move forward then we will inevitably succumb to gravity and fall of the edge anyways. We can not stay teetering as we are. Perhaps I can but for my son it is not a good place.
Mom
BarbieBF
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