Thursday, November 27, 2014

Here we go again... It's just geography.

My son keeps talking about wanting to move. Move to a place that is warmer. Move to a place where we live in a hut. Move to a place where he can just sit in the sand. The problem is that there is no moving away from yourself or schizophrenia. The issues or uncomfortable feelings that are motivating this thought is coming from within and will go with... They will follow you anywhere on this earth or beyond if they are not faced and dealt with. I wish he could run from schizophrenia but he can't. It's getting better but you can see it when you watch my son. When he is walking or sitting and you can tell that he just isn't comfortable within his own skin or body. He is unsure of how to stand, unsure of how to sit or where to put his arms. When he says things like: It appears to be cold out here. It appears... He can't tell for sure or interpret what his own body is telling him. I will watch him walk around the apartment and ask him if he is confused or lost and first he says no then says yes that he is confused. I tell him that it's ok to be lost and confused because it is. It happens to us all sometimes.

He decided to spend the last of his money on a small bottle of fireball whiskey last night. I can't stop him from buying it or drinking it, I can only keep the boundaries in place that he can't have or drink it in the apartment and he didn't. He doesn't want to acknowledge that it may trigger some psychosis symptoms. We will see how the voices are today. He denied having them yesterday however I told him that I know better and can tell that he does. He said he isn't talking to them. No but he is listening because sometimes he 'answers me' when I haven't said anything. Really I take this as a good sign that the voices are becoming less distinct if he can't tell the difference between them or me talking.

Some of the old attitudes seem to be coming back. Oh joy! When I tried talking to him about the fact that he may end up back in the hospital if he goes to far with the alcohol, I got told not to bring up the hospital again with attitude and a totally defiant look on his face. He really doesn't like it when I'm matter of fact about things... It's going to make it hard to form any type of partnership with him about keeping him out of the hospital if he is going to be defiant about me bringing it up. He probably doesn't want to form a partnership with me. In fact I'm pretty sure he would much rather keep me as his scapegoat instead of looking at the real reasons why he feels the way that he does. Schizophrenia.

Last night he fell asleep on the sofa and I had him go to bed around 10. I woke up at 1 to him up saying that he couldn't go to sleep even on the sofa. No of course not. I'm sure the alcohol and his psychosis was having fun with his brain. I guess my tone was too strict when I told him to go to bed as I got told not to yell at him. He said his bed wasn't comfortable and neither was the sofa that it was 'this place'. He can blame geography all he wants but when those feelings of being uncomfortable is coming from within then it wouldn't have mattered if he was sitting outside a hut in the sand... He still wouldn't be comfortable. I went into his room and tucked him in, kissed his head and told him that I was sorry for yelling at him. He said it was ok. I left the bathroom light on for him as I know he prefers that. Well it's almost 12 noon and he is still sleeping :) I'm thinking about putting an extra quilt on his bed for him to lie on so that it feels more softer or cuddly. Maybe it will help?

I'm afraid I'm a little out of practice on walking on eggshells. Really I'm not sure that doing so is even the best thing for him. I can't pretend like he doesn't have schizophrenia. I can't pretend like psychosis and another hospital stay could be just around the corner. Should I because schizophrenia is causing him to not be able to deal with life on it's simplest terms? It's a catch 22. Stress triggers but he can't handle stress because he is already triggered. I guess I  need to get back to some basics. Simple yes or no answers and think/breathe before speaking or responding. Ahhh the good old days!

I had trouble getting him to take his Lithium last night. Lots of nicely stated reminders yet he just quietly refused as he does... Drinking his fireball whiskey was the priority and in the past he gets sick when he drinks and takes his medications. I let him know that it was most likely the Clozapine that caused this and not the low dose of Lithium that he is currently taking. Only 300 mg. He finally toke it. Other then the first night he has also backed off with the supplements. The night before he only toke one of the two Omega 3's and last night he wouldn't take any. He puts up his own walls on doing anything that will help to get him better. I don't know if this is part of the ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) that I think he has or part of schizophrenia, lack of insight. Perhaps a combination.

Mayo Clinic - Oppositional Defiant Disorder

So I'm back to adding lots of cilantro to our food when cooking. Click on cilantro to go to it's nutritional value. I will have to bring back the green and spinach salads as well. While I don't believe that diet can 'cure' schizophrenia, I do believe that it can help to minimize some symptoms. Now how to convince my son of that when he gets defiant and doesn't want me discussing his schizophrenia?

I have some refresher reading to do...

Food For The Brain

Called the pharmacy to see if they had received a drug benefit card from ODSP. Not yet. Called ODSP and of course couldn't get through as their phone system is still messed up. Called PACT and let his case worker know so she can follow up with ODSP.

My son finally woke up just before 2:30. Hacked up a storm. Nice! I thought he was being sick but no... Then went back to bed.


No comments:

Post a Comment