Monday, November 24, 2014

You're real?!

Friday was the first time I had seen my son since September and obviously since his last full psychotic break. This break has a different feel about it then the one I saw him go through September of last year. A lot of it is the same of course however I don't recall the disorganization and word salad. I find myself having to ask him what certain words mean and once he describes it then I fill in the appropriate word. On the plane ride home he was tapping the tray and arm rest with a knuckle. When I asked him why he said he was testing the bandwidth of the carriage. I asked if he meant the density of the airplane and he said yes. Once he told me I was his limbo which meant I was like his left arm.

I didn't realize just how much he was still in psychosis until we were in the cafeteria at the hospital and he asked me how to tell if something was real or not. I asked him he was unsure about being in the cafeteria and he said yes and was concerned that the cafeteria would be scary to me. I can only guess at what he must have been seeing or hallucinating to think I would find it scary. He had denied hearing voices with the hospital psychiatrist however he knew better. I usually refer to them as entities as voices to me just don't give them justice. They are not just the sound of a voice. Clearly these entities were with us in the cafeteria so I told my son to not be afraid to try some reality checking by walking up to and touching what he is seeing to see if they are real. I toke his hand and had him touch my shoulder and after a couple of seconds he squeezed my shoulder and either asked or stated: You are real?!. Yes hun I'm real. Then I had him do the same with his sister so that he could know that we were both really there. It was sad to think that up until then he must have questioned that he was walking and talking with hallucinations. The severity of how sick he was struck me at that instance.

I questioned if I should have had him released when I did and I very much question if he should be out of the hospital yet. He is still too unstable. He wrote some notes on the plane and his thoughts are messed up. Some are good however the others are about sex and weapons. He actually asked me if he could have a gun... I added to his notes by changing his good thought of having a 'somewhat health life' to a 'very healthy life' and adding love, hope, family and that I love him very much. He seemed to like this. He did spend some time playing Mahjong, a matching tile game, on my phone for a bit. I was impressed to see that he could multitask to a certain degree. He still matched tiles even while he was laughing at his voices or intrusive thoughts :) I did ask him what they (voices) thought about me or if they had anything to say about me and apparently not so that is a good thing. I tried a couple of times to ask what was so funny that they must be saying something fairly funny however he couldn't or wouldn't tell me other then one comment about a dog's penis... Not sure I want to know more then that. He seems to have a fascination with animals during these times and not in a good way.

I did call disability again and left a message that he is here. I just called the pharmacy here to find out if they can bill another province for medications and was told 'sometimes it works'. I was really hoping for a yes as I'm hoping to get a sleep aide prescribed since getting him to bed last night was pretty much a no go and he needs his sleep to recover.

I have talked to his case worker at PACT today and she has already set up an appointment for his psychiatrist to come see him tomorrow. I have to talk to him about the amount of Invega he is on as 75 mg seems low to me. I also have to talk to him about putting my son on a Community Treatment Order (CTO) for medications. Hopefully the number of hospitalizations, now 8 of them, will be enough to have one put into place. I forgot to ask his case worker if she had prepared any releases for him to sign. Maybe PACT can have better luck getting disability to respond if they have a release signed. I think the psychiatrist will assess if my son needs to be hospitalized or not. He was left on Lithium as the psychiatrist was concerned there may be a mood component and didn't want to take any chances. I'm guessing that means he could be schizoaffective?

We got home around 1:30 last night... I had hoped that I would get him to bed at a reasonable time. Nope! Having the laptop and PSP4 set up was the first priority. Then it was the TV blaring at around 5 AM as he was watching Constantine. He said after that episode. Then it was calling Nana. Then it was not being able to sleep. Then I was being woken up as he wanted his bank card, then his glasses cause he was playing his PSP... I think he finally went to sleep after my husband left for work. Not sure how to fix this as this can't keep happening, him getting his nights and days mixed up, as it can contribute to psychosis.

It's 2:50 PM and my son just got up! I was thinking I would have to drag him out of bed if I wanted him sleeping tonight. Now that he is up I will put away his cloths.


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