Addiction and Psychosis

What came first? The chicken or the egg? I know this may seem like an odd question. Sometimes I don't think the answer to that question is very important as what matters in the end is that we have chickens laying eggs... (Sorry that was a lame attempt at being funny) Does it really matter which came first?

My son has addiction and psychosis or schizophrenia. Science cannot say for sure what causes schizophrenia BUT it does know that certain things make it worse. We know that a lot of people with mental illness also have addiction problems. For some it is a way of coping with symptoms. For other's like my son, I'm not so sure. Since his schizophrenia symptoms are usually under control when he is not using marijuana and stable then I don't see someone who is self-medicating his schizophrenia but someone who is feeding his addiction. I do know that marijuana triggered his first psychotic break and caused him to be catatonic (immobile, unresponsive or not moving) for somewhere between 24-36 hours. He has spoken himself of how high he was when this happened. Of being aware of what was happening around him but unable to respond. He couldn't because schizophrenia had a hold of his brain. It took over until there was no room for anything else. It did what schizophrenia or psychosis does and caused him to break with reality.

First I will speak about addiction. This was taken from The Alcoholics Anonymous book:

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the affect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, the alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks - drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stage of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless the person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery."

"At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. The tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected. The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."

Abstinence is a solution that recovering addicts have to make. Whether it's alcohol, marijuana or cocaine. Without first abstaining how can the person see past the addiction to experience the change required for recovery?

Now lets look at psychosis. A sever mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality. It is a break with reality. The exact cause of schizophrenia is unknown however we do know that schizophrenia occurs with changes in brain chemistry, specifically dopamine. I have long believed that my son's brain produces too much dopamine.

Using marijuana causes the brain to release more dopamine. That is why it feels good to be high. Dopamine is also called the 'feel good' chemical because it is directly responsible for feelings of pleasure, motivation and reward. At the same time, abusing marijuana blunts the brain's ability to respond to dopamine. So even though the brain is producing more of it, the brain's ability to respond is blunted, dulled down or has less of an affect. The brain doesn't know what to do with all of this dopamine. Unfortunately schizophrenia, in my opinion, does.

What do you think happens when you flood a brain already producing too much dopamine with even more dopamine? Other then feeding the addiction we are now feeding schizophrenia too by triggering psychosis. Anti-psychotics that block dopamine can only do so much when outside sources continue to flood the brain with even more dopamine which contradict or go against what the medication is trying to do. If anything this combination is, in my opinion, even more damaging as by limiting the dopamine in the brain the medication is also limiting dopamine in other parts of the body which is why some develop movement disorders among other serious complications. More marijuana... more medications... more risks. Less marijuana... less medications... less risks. Self-medicating to feel better which triggers or worsens psychosis symptoms. More anti-psychotics that don't work as they should because of self-medicating. It's a vicious cycle. 10% commit suicide. When there is no light at the end of the tunnel just a cycle of unhealthy choices...

Back to my original question. Whether my son developed addiction or psychosis first is a mood point. He is now suffering from both. How can we help him to recovery, be stable and to have the future that he deserves? Certainly not by feeding his addiction and schizophrenia!

Mom

BarbieBF

Hoping for the best.

I think I have my feet back under me, figuratively speaking. At least I don't feel like I'm down for the count. I won't say who but someone said/typed something to me today that lifted me in a way that I was not expecting. This person said: And don't be sorry, he's your son. A simple acknowledgement that... I really can't explain... Just thank you if you are reading this. It somehow made my day and helped me to realize that nothing can change this. I did allow schizophrenia to cause a rift that should not have happened. I allowed emotions, my sons and my own to get in the way. I stepped back just a little too much or perhaps a lot too much ;) I'm afraid I'm only human after all...

My son left yesterday on a flight to his father. I did not take him to the airport, someone from Ready4Life did. I couldn't. I did see him the night before, brought him some things, took him for a Tim Horton's coffee and let him talk for a bit. I sometimes do this to get an idea of where he is at mentally. If given the opportunity and if he feels safe then he usually opens up pretty easily about what he is thinking. As hard as it was to listen to my son's delusional thoughts and beliefs, I did take comfort in the fact that he still considers me a safe place to speak about them. I won't go into all of what he had to say except that he spoke of himself as being non-human, wanting to leave earth and not wanting to be connected to anyone by love.

I think off all the things that schizophrenia is, how I can love and hate it at the same time and I do, but the fact that it robs my son of the ability to feel love normally, is one of the hardest parts. I'm not saying that my son doesn't love because I know that he does. However he does love differently. He doesn't love in a way that allows for a certain amount of give and take or consideration for the other person. Of all the things that I fear for my son's future, one of my biggest fears is that schizophrenia will not release him enough for him to see the joy that giving can give. I do believe that it is possible as I see it happening with others. I just can't give up hope that it will happen with my son. That given time that part of him will mature and he will learn the true meaning of what it is to love and be loved.

I was talking to my daughter this morning. She asked if she was talking to much as she enjoyed talking to me. I enjoyed her talking to me too! It was actually reassuring to listen to her talk about her life.

As the title says, I'm doing my best to be positive or to hope for the best. As far as I know my son left with a limited supply of medications. I know that his Lithium wasn't refilled however I'm not to sure about his Clozapine. I did bring it up to him however he stated that he didn't plan on taking medications once he moved so there was no need, that if he has to be on medications for the rest of his life then he might as well end it now. I did reply that some people would gladly take pills if it meant a chance to keep living however I know that he doesn't see it this way so I let that conversation end. I have supplied what information I have regarding medications and his history and hopefully the right people will read and take note of what, I think, does or doesn't work best for my son. I am very relieved to know that it doesn't look like he is going back to the same psychiatrist that he used to have. If his new psychiatrist takes any interest in his past history and my notes then hopefully things will not turn out as I am fearing they will.

So I'm doing my best to have faith. That Donna, Dad & family and his new treatment team will take care of him. One day at a time right?

Mom
BarbieBF

I may have lost the battle but I haven't lost the war.

This is something that I'm having to remind myself. Thanx to an outpouring of support from parents who have been where I am and from people who are diagnosed and been where my son is and understand what I have been trying to accomplish... Their words of support and wisdom have helped me tremendously, perhaps more then I can truly express.

Since my son was diagnosed in 2011 and especially since he came to live with me in April of 2013, I have quit literally immersed myself into the world of schizophrenia. I have researched to the best of my ability the science behind what is happening in my son's brain. I have watched videos, so many videos. One by a Professor at Stanford University who sums up what I have researched in an easy to understand way. I have watched videos from The LEAP Institute about mental illness and anosognosia. 40-50% of people diagnosed with schizophrenia have anosognosia. Anosognosia looks like denial but is part of the disease itself. It does not allow the person to see that they are sick. I have researched medications and tried to understand dopamine antagonist and so many other terms that are almost beyond my comprehension BUT I understand enough to know what my son's brain needs. Not what schizophrenia and addiction wants. His thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions are being controlled by things that he cannot see or understand. That's where I come in! To advocate not for what my son thinks he wants BUT for what he needs.

Everyday I'm communicating with stable and recovering diagnosed who have been where my son is. Who's family members have advocated as I am trying to do to give them what is best for them. Now that they are stable and recovering they can see that boundaries and yes even a little tough love has helped to give them their lives back. Family members who out of love said enough is enough. We are not the problem and it's time! Time to take responsibility not only for their lives but for managing a disease that needs to be managed.

I have tried to talk to psychiatrist about the science of schizophrenia and guess what? They don't seem to have much knowledge. It's not their job to know about enlarged ventricles or pre-frontal cortex, less grey/white matter or miss-firing neurotransmitters. No amount of unconditional love can fix these. Overloading him on the wrong medications can't fix this. It's their job to prescribe medications based on what drug companies say they are supposed to do. They also prescribe based on what the patient tells them. Patients like my son who knows how to manipulate the system to give him what he wants. My son would still be over medicated and on the wrong medications if it wasn't for me researching and advocating for what is best for him. Getting him off of benzodiazepines, anything that ends in 'pam' was the first and best then I could have done for him. I know that the medications that he needs are the ones that help to regulate dopamine in his brain and he doesn't need to be over-medicated with them. I know that he can't handle ADHD stimulants, they trigger psychosis. Why because they are amphetamines. Might as well give him crystal meth/speed. That doesn't mean that he doesn't need help with ADHD symptoms because he does. I wonder who will advocate the right medications for this? I wonder who will advocate the right doses of the right medications? Instead of listening to a psychiatrist that in my opinion dropped the ball where my son is concerned a long time ago. A psychiatrist, that now that I have more experience and knowledge, didn't do my son any good. I don't blame him. He is human after-all. My son's current, soon to be no more, psychiatrist. Is a good psychiatrist, in my opinion. He worked with my son. He listened to me and my son. Most importantly he tried to give my son what he needed not what my son thought he needed. A very big distinction. He understood me when I talked about neurotransmitters...

I really wish the people involved could step back for just a moment and try to see the bigger picture. If they could only see what I see. I do see my son. All of him! Not just the parts that I want to see. I don't love him any less for doing so. In fact I think it makes my love all the more significant. Steps were being put into place that would give my son the tools that he needs to be the man that I know that he can be. Support was in place that he has been turning his back on because he can't see past his own mentality. It was a bump in the road that was leading to a success that would help him to gain the independence that he craves in an environment that understood his needs. He can't see his own limitations. He doesn't know that he needs the support that I was trying to give him.

It's hard to come to terms with what is happening. It's hard to let go and not do everything in my power to stop this. I know people's hearts are in the right place. If only they could see that so is mine. I have not done anything lightly. I have not made any decision that was not geared towards my son's stability and future. I see past his temper tantrums and manipulations. If only I was given the chance to see it through. Just a little bit of trust that as his MOTHER, armed not only with my love for him but also with the knowledge and experience of so many in my and his situation, that given the chance I was providing me son with what he needed. Now I'm letting him walk into a world with little understanding of schizophrenia.

A couple of people's comments hit home for me. It was to hand this over to my higher power. My higher power is my mother, Donna, who is in heaven and I know how much she loved my son. When things are tough for me, it's her that I pray to for the strength that I need because I know if anyone has God's ear it is her. I know that she is in my son's heart too because he still remembers her and talks of her sometimes. So mom, or Donna as my son calls you... I give you my son. Please take care of him until he is back with me again.

Thank you to all the nameless people who have supported me and my decisions. Who have lived with this disease and despite current circumstance have told me what an awesome mom I am. I needed to hear it.

Mom
BarbieBF

Betrayal

The definition of betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral or psychological conflict within a relationship...

At the moment I'm sure a lot of people are feeling betrayed however I can only speak of my own feelings regarding this. Truth for me in any form has always been very important to me. Regardless of what my son has gone through or is experiencing I have never lied to him, or anyone else and I have certainly not done things without being upfront about what I am doing and why. Lying by omission is the same as outright lying in my eyes as the intent to deceive is the same.

This last 24 plus hours have left me feeling betrayed. Yesterday I was so mad and frustrated that honestly speaking in a normal tone was almost beyond my capabilities which really isn't like me :) I have had to emotionally step back and examine what the root cause is and it's an overwhelming sense of betrayal. Not by my son. That doesn't mean that he is not hurting me however I do understand that schizophrenia is playing it's part in not allowing my son to see the bigger picture. He can't see past his current mental state. I know that he feels betrayed by me. I wish that I could change that however at least where I'm concerned he seems to measure love by how much I can give him. If I'm not spending money on him or letting him do whatever he wants then I don't love him. 

That doesn't mean that I am not there for him as I have been for the past 15 months. There has not been a single moment where every decision and consequence has not been weighed with only one goal in mind and that is his stability and future. I am trying to give him what he needs not what he thinks he wants. A 5 year old says I want to stay up all night, drink pop/cola and watch horror movies. Do we let them just because it's what they want? No we don't because as parents we know that there is a much bigger picture and what that child needs is stability and boundaries. The child has a temper tantrum, rolls on the floor kicking and screaming telling us how horrible we are and that we don't love them. Any of this sound familiar? Unfortunately my son is 20 so his temper tantrums are not harmlessly rolling around on the floor kicking and screaming. They are putting holes in walls, breaking things, threatening physical violence and now he has the vocabulary and understanding of emotions to know how to manipulate them. I have listened to my son, lots, and I know how he measures and interprets love. Not at the age displayed on his birth certificate. One of the symptoms of schizophrenia is cognitive impairment. Schizophrenia is a mental disorder characterized by a breakdown of thought processes and by a deficit (loss) of typical emotional response. It's a splitting of mental functions. My son is unable, in my opinion, to act or react to emotions or his environment as his age implies. His emotions override rational thought on a bigger scale than is typical or normal. Because he feels something than it must be. Paranoia is a good example of this. I have marveled at my son's ability to turn a thought into reality regardless of the facts. The facts that don't serve him are quickly forgotten or ignored. As he has told me himself he just doesn't let himself think about it. One of the perks of his mental illness. I don't blame my son as it's not his fault that schizophrenia has done this however love for him is a tool that he uses to manipulate others into giving him what he wants.

So the question is. Do we give in and figuratively speaking hand over the keys to the car just because our child thinks they deserve it? For me the answer at some point has to be no. He can have my love, all that I have to give if he wants it, without monetary strings attached. BUT therein lies the problem. I'm done giving financially so I am of little use. My worth is tied to my bank card. For him it's time to move on...

It took some phone calls and piecing together to try and figure out what appears to have been going on. It's not so much what is being done but how it is being done. Before my son moved back with me, everything that I did was done upfront, not behind anyone's back. I kept everyone in the loop. I didn't hide what I was doing. I didn't not pick up a phone and inform the people involved of my actions and certainly not the very people who loved my son. It appears I have not been given this same consideration or respect. Despite the fact that I am here, everyday, talking to his care workers, trying to make plans, trying to keep my son stable, trying to make the system work for him even though he is fighting against it tooth and nail... I apparently do not warrant any consideration.

Honestly I'm pissed... Beyond pissed really. I want to yell and scream and remind everyone that despite what anyone thinks this is MY SON! And if anyone thinks that I am just going to sit back and let my son, without a fight, become the chronic marijuana smoking, percocet stealing, hallucinating, delusional boy that I brought home 15 months ago. They don't know me very well. It took me months to get him even remotely stable. I remember 16 months ago. I remember being begged to take him, now! I remember a boy who almost daily was calling me that he wanted to reincarnate, come back as a bird, so that he could fly to my window. Sending me videos from the hours that he spent doing telekinesis. I remember a boy who was so stoned at times that he could hardly talk. I remember the stolen percocets and the stolen bank card. I remember no food because he spent most of his money on marijuana. I remember sending money just so the rent could be paid. I remember sending money so that Christmas could happen. I remember being their for emotional support regardless of the circumstances. I researched medications. I researched diet and sent vitamins and supplements. I tried for months to get my son. Until one day when resources were tapped out I was told to take him! Not in a month or a week but now!

There is a much bigger picture then the circumstances that my son is currently finding himself. It took me everyday, constantly pushing, researching, working with his treatment team but we accomplished so much. He has not been inpatient in a year! He has been stable, in fact better then he has been in 4 years! He has been drug and alcohol free for long periods! He has attended school! I have done everything that I can do to not let schizophrenia have my son. I have advocated and fought even him when needed to keep him moving forward and stable. Regarding schizophrenia symptoms his worse days have been better then his best days 16 months ago.

I can only sit here and shake me head and ask wth is everyone thinking?! There is so much that I want to say. I'm trying my best to be diplomatic and fair which limits what I can unleash... I guess in the end I only have this to say. Where will my son be when the next heart attack happens? Where will my son be when one or both are inpatient or suicidal again? Who is going to keep him off of marijuana and percocets? Who is going to advocate less medications or even the right medications? Certainly not the psychiatrist he appears to be going back too. Of all the time he treated my son he couldn't even see that my son had ADHD which two other psychiatrists noted after meeting him only once. My son didn't like or respect him and certainly never listened to him. BUT he will prescribe Clonazepam or whatever benzo my son wants. Benzos that only make my son worse.

As much as I want to fight for my son it appears I have lost the fight which in my eyes means my son has lost too. Everything that I have done for the past 15 months has been for nothing. Everything that I have fought for and accomplished is now blowing uselessly in the wind. So with a very heavy heart and tearful eyes I wave the white flag of surrender...

Sorry this post probably doesn't make sense unless I state that it looks like my son is moving. Away from me and back to where he used to live 15 months ago.

Mom
BarbieBF

Bronchitis, I Love You Too

My son called me on Friday, he has bronchitis and needed his disability drug card to fill his prescriptions. There wasn't too much that I could do until my husband got home from work so once that happened we headed to see my son. On the way we stopped and got him some acetaminophen in case his throat hurt and some cough syrup for at night. We took him to fill his prescriptions at a different pharmacy then the one he originally went to which saved us some money. I would have to say that really bothers me that some pharmacies charge more, especially when it's for people on disability. Due to my previous job where part of my duties was to be the administrator for the companies insurance, I was/am aware of why at some pharmacies you have to pay more. It's because they are charging more for their services or medications then the insurance company or in this case disability, thinks the service or medication is worth. So luckily the one pharmacy was already closed so we went to another one, one that didn't charge more for their services then disability was willing to pay.

My son wanted to go for pizza afterwards to which I agreed if he cleaned up first. He was wearing the same cloths from when I saw him on Tuesday and they didn't smell too good. With no resistance he changed cloths and cleaned himself up. I had also brought him a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, Q-tips and nail clippers, although I haven't been able to get him to use the nail clippers yet. He goes through phases where he likes to have long nails. It seems to go hand in hand with his phases of instability and I only remind him that if he is going to keep then long then he should try to keep them clean. We also got him a new fanny pack since his was taken and I wanted him to have a safe place to keep his ID and other items. We then took him for pizza which he seemed to enjoy. I had to pick off the hot peppers since we let him pick the toppings.

I was impressed during the visit to see staff at the shelter checking for drugs etc when certain people where coming in. One boy even had to remove his shoes! All my son's belongings are in a locked cabinet that only staff can access. Not sure how but he also got another cell phone and this time kept the paperwork although I didn't take the time to read it. His left over pizza was put in a locked fridge with his name on it. We had to hand in his prescriptions, even his puffer that he was prescribed. All prescription medications have to be monitored and he signs every time he has access to and takes his medications. After watching my son take his first set of antibiotics and use his puffer, my husband and I said our good-byes. This time my son actually hugged me back! and told me he loved me too!

Saturday my husband and I went to see his family as his sister passed away over a month ago but due to circumstances everyone couldn't get together until now. It was nice to see everyone.

Yesterday we went to see my son again. He seemed genuinely happy to see us. Got him to change his shirt as again he was in the same one. Took him his track pants as the nights are a little colder now. He can do laundry there but without monitoring and reminding he doesn't follow through so I guess he did start a load when he first got there but the cloths went missing. He hasn't looked for them so they are probably there somewhere since no one else is wearing them. He can't be bothered to look for them as according to him he can buy a whole new wardrobe for $400 so why worry about a set of cloths. I guess this $400 is part of the full check disability is going to pay him... I have been bringing home his dirty cloths. Also took him some vitamin waters, beef jerky and more cigarettes. He wanted to go for a car ride so we drove to Tim Horton's, got a coffee and went to a park to drink it.

Even though he is physically doing better, his thinking is still a little off. I was asking him about how the food is at the shelter and he says that it is actually pretty good although he still doesn't feel like eating much. He is still in the frame of mind that he is doing his body good by forcing it to survive on less. I tried to explain that his body is like a car. It needs oil, fluids and gas to run properly and if he really wants to show his body respect then giving it the proper nourishment is the best way to do that. I do believe that he is eating as I see no indication of weight lose and even though he is somewhat delusional in his thinking he is doing better.

Paranoia, delusional thinking and general confusion becomes obvious at certain times. The shelter has tried to get him to sign a release for PACT however it seems a little paranoia may be causing this resistance along with his normal defiance. He seemed less resistant to the idea when I brought it up to him a couple of times. He is starting to get low on his Clozapine so I'm hoping that I can get him to open up about PACT so that they can interact with the shelter and make arrangements to have this brought to him as well as receive information about his blood work for next week. The shelter or my son is going to need a requisition and I can't provide it, PACT does. Also it would make things so much easier in trying to find him a bed somewhere else if everyone could talk to each other and get things moving faster. I really wish that he could see all that everyone is trying to do for him. I know that his case worker called the shelter again today but they couldn't talk to her. I'm not sure how long they can continue to offer their services if he is not open to it. I'm not sure I even want to think about the problems that could arise from him not having a psychiatrist to prescribe his medications or who is going to pay for his Clozapine since PACT took care of that. He was lucky to have a lot of people advocating and pushing his referrals through so that he didn't have the usual wait time it normally takes to get in to see a psychiatrist. One problem at a time right!

He did ask me yesterday what was going on with his Grandmother and Father, that something didn't feel right or was off. At first I wasn't sure who he was referring to as we usually refer to his grandmother as Nana. He wondered about his Dad not calling him and I let him know that his Dad had asked for his cell number but his cell had gotten stolen right after that and my son seemed confused by my reference to the stolen cell, like he didn't know or remember that it had been stolen. I'm not sure what he thinks is off with his Nana and he couldn't explain it but I told him that she has been going through her own stuff and I don't think it's anything that he needs to worry about. It could be his own paranoia acting up as well so it's hard to tell.

I did make sure he took his antibiotics before leaving yesterday. Let him know that I might not make it back until Wednesday. I also got the name and address of the pharmacy that filled his antibiotics as I'm going to have to figure out something for when he needs to refill his Lithium. Either transfer the prescription from the pharmacy here to the one close to him or have this pharmacy get the disability information as we had to give the pharmacy the original disability drug card and they keep it. Hopefully I'm worrying over nothing and I don't run into problems of not being able to do help with this since he's an adult and should be doing it himself. He did hug me good-bye and told me that he loved me too.

So today I'm doing my usual phone calls of checking on him, making sure everyone is aware of what they need to be aware of and now I will try to get a hold of his case worker and keep my fingers crossed that he finally agrees to sign the release.

Not adding up...

I did see my son on Tuesday. I arrived while he was on the phone, I was told that he was talking to his Grandmother. I'm not sure what I was expecting to find but physically he actually looked like he is doing okay. He has showered and he has been sleeping and eating as the shelter does provide meals. He has been taking his Clozapine and Lithium. My son's eyes seem to tell his story better then anything else and he looked more stable then the last time I saw him.

I have tried to piece together what happened on Monday however very little of it is making any sense to anyone. Before my son called me to tell me that he had been mugged, I was unaware that this happened. To my knowledge he had tried to buy $500 worth of drugs and they didn't return with the drugs so he went to the police. Somewhere in there he took them for Chinese food... I really don't know how that detail fits in. My son called me after I blogged on Tuesday to tell me that he had been mugged and only had $11 left in his bank account. I tried to ask him what happened. He said that he 'got lured in' yet when I asked him how they lured him in he couldn't tell me just that they did. I'm guessing that he willingly went with them as he was trying to purchase marijuana and cocaine. The cocaine according to him is because he wanted to try it. I guess I wasn't sympathetic enough as I told him I wouldn't be giving him any money so he got mad and hung up on me.

My husband came home early due to rain so we had an early dinner then headed to the shelter. I thought my son would like to have his search-a-word book and a notebook and some pens as well as some cigarettes. He didn't want the books. I gave him one pack of cigarettes and gave the shelter another 3 packs and asked them to only give him one pack a day. Since he was able to go to the bank, get a new bank card and find out how much money he had that meant that he had his ID still which I know that he kept in his fanny pack that got stolen. He says that he asked for his ID back and one of the muggers was nice enough to give it back. I don't disbelieve this however it's hard to imagine. The staff have been having problems communicating with my son as it takes him awhile to understand and respond so it's hard to believe that he was thinking clearly enough during a mugging to ask for his ID but it is possible. He also apparently voluntarily (without them asking for it) gave them his pin number for his bank card. He says that he got hit in the neck. There are no bruises, red marks, nothing to indicate that he had been hit. I did look. He got away and ran to a pay phone and called the police. I'm not sure how no one knew to tell me that it was a mugging when I first found out about it.

My son told me he got robbed of $700. That he was trying to buy marijuana and cocaine although he hadn't planned on spending all of his money on drugs since he wanted to purchase some luxury items. I quietly stated: I barely had money for rent yet you want to buy luxury items? He laughed it off. He thinks that disability is going to reimburse him and he seems to also think that they are going to continue to hand him money for board and lodgings when he isn't paying for it. I didn't bother going any further into that conversation. We did ask him what he planned on doing with that much drugs since he can't take it into the shelter, they do searches. He had a spot picked out, outside, to hide it. Nice to know he is planning ahead for something :)

The shelter asked if I could help with getting his cell phone disconnected since it was taken too and we don't need whoever has it running up a bill in his name. We took him to the mall where he got it. He said that he got it through Rogers but he actually got it through Koodo. The couldn't help him at the mall stating that he needed to call them. So we went back to the shelter to get his paperwork for the phone. He had thrown it out so at this point he didn't know who the provider was, the account number and probably doesn't even know the number. The following morning I called Koodo and was able to confirm the account but couldn't do anything since I'm not on the account and didn't have the pin that he would have created when setting up the account. I called the shelter with the number for Koodo customer support, his cell phone number and explained that he could suspend the service, no charge, with the information from his ID if they could help him do this. I just tried calling the number and got a message that this number is not equipped to receive incoming calls so hopefully they got him to suspend the account. Considering the fact that my hubby and I are currently stuck not being able to move due to his bad credit report. One of them being an unpaid cell phone with the same service provider... I do know that it can have an impact on my son's future if it's not taken care of.

I haven't heard from his case worker from PACT since Tuesday although at this point I don't know how much help she can be as my son is refusing to sign a release for the shelter to talk to her. He doesn't want anything to do with PACT even though it's their psychiatrist that is prescribing him his medications and it's PACT that has arranged for his Clozapine to be paid for by the manufacturer because disability still hasn't agreed to cover it. It's also PACT that picks it up for him and delivers it to him now. I will have to confirm with the shelter but he should have enough for another couple of weeks and he should be ok with his Lithium as well. My hands are somewhat tied with Ready4Life as he refused to sign a release giving them permission to talk to me. So I don't know what is happening with his applications for the two group homes. When his case worker calls me I'm going to try to find out if we can get him moved from that shelter into one in a better neighborhood. The one we wanted didn't have a bed last week but maybe that has changed. Depending on how defiant he wants to be he is making it hard for anyone to assist him.

He seemed ok when we left him on Tuesday. Didn't seem concerned about anything. I hugged him good-bye. I might as well have been hugging a board. No emotion what so ever...

Mom
BarbieBF

Feels like A Hollow Victory

September 1, 2013 was the last time my son was involuntarily admitted to hospital for three weeks for psychosis. One year! That's the longest he has gone since diagnoses in 2011. The significance of this is... Hollow. Do I smile or do I cry? Perhaps a little of both since I'm probably the only one aware of him even reaching this milestone. I told his nurse the other day that this was approaching and her response was less then enthusiastic. So as I smile through my tears I wanted to share this with you... As hollow as it... September 1st did not pass unnoticed, at least not for me.

I don't have to much to report on my son. I haven't talked to him since Saturday. I have tried to call his cell phone several times but it is turned off. I have been in contact with the shelter and am extremely thankful that he did sign the release letting them talk to me or I would be in the dark right now. At this point there has been no communication between PACT and the shelter but I'm hoping this will change over the next couple of days. I did talk to his case worker today and filled her in on what has been happening and where he is. I have talked to the shelter today. I guess there is a lot of connecting that needs to happen between PACT, Ready4Life and the shelter and the services that they have available for my son, IF he wants to take advantage of them. That is the big question at this point. How far is my son willing to go before he is willing to see that there is a problem and that he needs help.

I was asked if I was willing to be involved in family mediation. Yes I am however not under the current circumstances. Until my son is stable and able to see past his own defiance and delusional thinking where I'm concerned I don't see it doing much good but I am available if he wants it. He doesn't want my help, he wants me to let him act like a 10 year old (if that) while treating him like an adult which for him means letting him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants with no consequences to turning my home into a flop house.

There is also some concern about his exposure to drugs. Considering the 2 grams of marijuana I recently got rid of, my son will seek drugs no matter where he is if he wants it and if he has the money to do so. I received a phone call from the police in the area that he is in yesterday. He didn't know the name of the shelter he was staying at so that is why they called me. It appears he tried to buy drugs and the person he gave the money too didn't come back with the drugs so he went to the police. Somewhat amusing if it wasn't so sad. Really, who goes to the police with that? My son apparently. There is also the risk of exposure to other drugs. I cannot be responsible for these choices.

It doesn't appear that there is to much that I can do about the disability money. I think most of it went to this drug dealer so it's kind of a mood point right now. We may have to look into a trustee being appointed as he obviously can't manage his own finances.

Hubby just got home from work as they got rained out so I'm off...

Mom
BarbieBF