Blog Notes
July, 2013
First Blog
My
sister suggested I start a blog and share my insights and observations
regarding the experiences I am currently going through with my son. For now I
will just a post a little funny conversation me and my son had today. He said
“I’m beginning to see why people would think that all this power might cause
insanity.” I replied “How about I switch that around and say that only insane
people would want all that power.” He laughed and said “Good point.”
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Anosognosia
is a condition in which a subset of persons with schizophrenia (and bipolar
disorder with psychotic features) are unable (not just unwilling) to understand
they are sick because of damage to the parts of the brain which we use to think
about ourselves. It is also referred to as a lack of insight or lack of
awareness. Denial is a thought mechanism we all use to not pay attention
to something we would prefer not to be true.
The difference between anosognosia and denial can
therefore be summarized as follows: A woman with schizophrenia sits daily in
Lafayette Park, across from the White House, believing she is married to the
President and waiting for him to call her to come over. She believes he has to
wait to acknowledge her because of the interference of Israeli secret agents.
She is very patient and, at night, sleeps on the streets, where she is regularly
abused. When offered medication, she adamantly refuses it, saying there is
nothing wrong with her. This is anosognosia. Another woman, trained as a mental
health professional, briefly examines some scientific data and concludes it is
wrong because it conflicts with her deeply held social belief system. This is
denial.
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Good morning. I slept on the couch last night not
because of my son but my husband. My son mentioned he would like to cuddle with
me. He was in bed so I didn’t but I did spend some time sitting with him. My
husband thought this was ridiculous and inappropriate that he would want to
considering his age. My son may be in a 19 year old body but schizophrenia in
my opinion has stunted his cognitive thinking and growth and in a lot of ways
he’s only a young teen. In science cognition is a group of mental processes
that include attention, memory, producing and understanding language, learning,
reasoning, problem solving and decision making. My son’s have not developed properly
and he doesn’t understand the boundaries that should be in place by now
regarding our relationship. Just as he can’t reason and learn like most 19 year
old’s. Did I cuddle with him in bed? No and I won’t because he needs to learn
these boundaries but I do understand and have empathy for were the need is
coming from.
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Crisis Package
Currently working on
putting together a crisis package. Not just for my son but also in case
anything happens to me no one will know who to contact. Treatment Advocacy
Center has guidelines for how to handle certain crisis. I’ve put together a
list of any and all contacts with numbers including who to contact in crisis,
his/our workers, doctors and where he goes for blood work and prescriptions.
I’ve put together a brief medical history with past and current symptoms
including his current living details and who to contact. I will have all this
together for easy access and send a copy to another relative so that if
something happens to me she will at least know who to contact.
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July 14, 2013
Donnie Darko
We
watched this movie last night. I’ve watched it before but watched it with my
son this time. He enjoyed it. I was a little worried about how he would react
to watching it since Donnie has schizophrenia. He had empathy for what Donnie
was going through. I’m happy that he could recognize some of the same things in
himself. Usually he just ignores the similarities and says he’s not like that
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Anxiety vs. Withdrawal
Yesterday was a bad day. My
son is complaining of high anxiety. Wants to be prescribed an as needed
anti-anxiety. This after 3 days of possible drug and alcohol abuse and when I’m
expecting that he do something other then take over my home with his messes.
Anxiety is hard to measure as we all deal with it differently. However we all
have it and we all have to learn how to deal with it without the use of drugs,
prescribed or street. Hopefully my own anxiety/stress today will be manageable
as I’m expecting today to be as bad if not worst then yesterday. Deep breathes.
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Anxiety
So far the day has gone
much better then I expected. No anti-anxiety prescription for my son which I’m
very glad for. Gently reminded to have some faith in his workers as they are
not as easily manipulated as I feared. I’ve been waiting for the next psychotic
break but so far it’s holding off. In the meantime the day to day struggle to
keep things calm is getting to me. His nurse may have persuaded him to up his
anti-psychotic dose. Still not as much as prescribed but it’s a start to
getting him stable. Of course the beer he’s currently drinking at a friend’s
won’t help. Hopefully one day he will see the harm it does him.
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Lesson learned?
Last night:
My son: Mom can I have my
internet back? I’ve learned my lesson.
Me: What was the lesson?
My son: Not to swear at
you. I’m sorry I was just upset.
Me: Ok but you know
tomorrow if you don’t study you will loss it again.
My son: Yes I know
Upside he studied for 30
minutes so far today. Another 30 minutes expected by dinner time. Downside to
him taking 200 mg of Clozapine, at least according to him, is that’s he’s
to tired today. Not sure I believe it’s the medication as it’s over 40 degrees
with the humidex today and I don’t have the energy to do anything either. I was
very surprised when he told me he had taken his Abilify to counteract the
tiredness. Might even be able to talk him into doing his laundry today :)
These
little victories seem to come at the cost of some stressful tough love but they
are coming and I’m very happy to see them.
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So much for little victories. Hard to
lower my expectations when I’m already expecting so little. Internet gone again
for not doing the rest of his studying. Drinking at friend’s again yesterday.
My living room is a mess again with his stuff and garbage. Again seems to be
the word of the day. Learned behavior I’m told. More of a discipline problem
then a psychosis problem. How to correct years of no accountability and being
allowed to do what he wanted because he has psychosis. Only took 100 mg of
Clozapine again last night. This up and down with his medications can’t be
helping his body adjust. Complaining of pressure in his head. The very things
that will help him recover are the things he won’t comply to. Gotta love lack
of insight
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July 18, 2013
A little shocked
I’m sitting her a little
shocked… My son just made ME a cup of tea. Just wanted to share.
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My son and I had a calm conversation
last night regarding my expectations and why I have them. When calm he can
understand that I’m trying to help him reach his own goals. He lost his
internet again yesterday for how he was talking to me.He needs to learn to
control his language and his anger when talking to me. He’s slowly getting it.
I’m happy that we are able to have these conversations even if he does have
problems following through on them the next day. The fact that he knows he has
gone to far, remembers what he has said and can apologize for it tells me that
his reality is now more inline with mine. He now knows that I am not going to
lesson my expectations of him reading/studying for 1 hour every day or he
enrolls in a school program. We both know that he is capable of doing it. If he
can’t find his own motivation to do it then I will give him one. No internet.
Back to trying to get him to do his laundry today ;)
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Friend or crutch?
My son
has a friend that lives across the hall. At first I was very happy that he had
a friend to help him and to interact with because isolation is not good. I’m
still happy he has this friend however I question how much good it’s doing him.
In my opinion they are not helping each other at this point. Instead they drink
together. It seems like whatever progress I may be having with my son gets
thrown out the window the more he drinks. Due to lack of insight it’s hard to
make him realize this. From my point of view a true friend would do what’s best
for you not just what you want them to do. I’m supporting my son and in turn
supporting his friend as they smoke each other cigarettes and to often my son
is giving him our food. Probably in exchange for the beer he is drinking. It’s
hard to put my foot down on this as who wants to deny someone food. For me this
friendship is becoming a crutch… anyways just venting.
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July 19, 2013
He did his laundry. Yah! No internet for not studying
but he’s gone out with his friend and his mom on a boat fishing. Hope he has a
fun time.
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Pretty quiet weekend so far. Since it
is the weekend there are no study expectations. He was into some drugs and
alcohol last night. Not much I can do about that. Today just going to try and
enjoy some peace and relaxation. Even I need a break from the day to day
struggle of getting his live back on track.
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Insight
There’s what I see, what my
son sees and what my husband sees. I try to see what they see. Do they try to
see what I see? I just cleaned the bathroom again. I’ve started leaving the
Windex in there, so much easier. Stays clean for maybe half a day. Do they see
that I’ve cleaned it or just see that the bathroom isn’t clean again… I don’t
think they see.
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July 21, 2013
Went to my sister’s yesterday. Was a good outing for
all of us. Despite the rough patches my son is progressing. He can pay
attention and contribute to conversations much better then before. He has a
great sense of humor and it’s nice to see it coming out. I’ve noticed that he’s
not so self involved and getting better at asking for things instead of acting
like he’s entitled to receive them. He says thank you for the meals that I make
him. He just made himself onion rings and turned off the deep fryer. Unless
he’s really tired he asks for help making things instead of asking me to do it
for him. He even picks up some of his messes without me nagging. These are all
life skills that he will need to do on his own if he is ever going to be out on
his own. Will see how the day progresses as he has to do 1 hour of reading by
2 pm.
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Addiction
We had
a good day yesterday. His occupational therapist was here. We want him to
see an addictions counselor. It’s hard to explain how an addiction controls
your life when it’s all around us. The myth that you need to be drinking every
day to be an alcoholic needs to be busted. If you are putting drinking or
drugging above your own goals or health then chances are you have an addiction.
I’ve been through addiction counseling. My son doesn’t want to see that he has
an addictive personality. As do I. I had to make the decision to get some
things out of my life as it was changing who I was and how I was coping with
life itself. You end up identifying yourself with the addiction. Saying ‘I can
stop…’ and not stopping is proof that an addiction is controlling you. My son
can get drunk on 3 beer but drinks 5 or 6. He drinks to get drunk. That is
addiction. If it changes your personality then it’s an addiction. I see it with
people I know. They drink and become a different person. If you need drugs or
alcohol to feel ok that’s not good. We should all feel ok in our own skin
without the aid of a crutch.
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Mini Goals
In order to achieve our big
goals we first need to achieve mini goals. This applies to everyone. I myself
can get caught up in my computer looking at forums and blogs. I set little
goals for myself. Since I’m currently a housewife my job is to take care of our
home. I won’t look at another website until I first make the bed, start the
dishes, vacuum etc. It’s my own way of making sure that I fulfill my
obligations. Afterwards I feel good for having accomplished my mini goal.
------------------------------
Walk
So my
son talked me into going for a walk. He wanted a coffee thermos to keep his
coffee hot in the morning. Was good to get out for a walk, I needed it too.
Also shows that he is thinking ahead and taking care of his personal needs in
the physical world.
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Alcohol, addiction and
trust
Another
family argument last night because of alcohol. Keeping it out of my home isn’t
enough and getting it out of his life is impossible. He’s managed to drink
almost every day for over a week now. He says he wants to be able to drink on
weekends or once a week and I have to remind him it’s Tuesday and he’s had
alcohol a couple of days in a row. Spent money I gave him yesterday for a fast
food restaurant on beer. Once I found out I got rid of the beer. My money my
beer and I refuse to support him drinking. He’s lost what little trust I did
give him regarding money. He made an agreement with one of his therapists to
not put drinking above taking his medications. If he’s drunk and takes his
clozapine it makes him sick. If he takes it the next morning then half the day
is shot because of the sedating effect of it. He’s not in control of the
choices he is making. Alcohol and addiction are. It’s a vicious circle and I
wish we could get off this merry go round.
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It’s been fairly quiet. My son’s
nurse was here yesterday and discussed addiction and alcoholism. Was meant with
resistance and little insight as to taking responsibility for the choices he is
making. Today complained of being depressed. Well that goes with drinking. You
have to keep drinking to keep the depression away as alcohol is in fact a
depressant no matter how good it makes you feel at the time your drinking it.
Getting some studying in each day. Not being to specific on the amount of time
as long as he’s learning something and he has learned something new for the
past 3 days so I’m happy with that.
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Teaching
Since
my son won’t go to any type of school program I’m left trying to teach him at
home. Not an easy task. A lot of google’ing and trying to find information I
can match with his current abilities. So I’ve decided to try putting together
homework for him on a daily bases. This morning put together information on
nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, long division, multiplication and
multiplying with decimals. Some information he has previously done and some is
new. Review of old and adding new information just like they do in school. Wish
me luck!
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Calendar of symptoms and
causes
Since my
son doesn’t want to see the consequences of the choices he is making I’m going
to try and make it easier for him to see. I’ve printed off blank calendar
sheets and I’m noting on each day what he’s doing. Alcohol and choices are the
main things. I want him to see that him getting depressed seems to be a direct
result of the amount of alcohol he is consuming. He thinks or convinces himself
he’s been studying more then he has been. I want him to see that some of the
reasons he decides to actually get up do something for are motivated by
alcohol. Ex: bike ride to beer store.
---------------------------------
Being put down
My son keeps telling me
that I am putting him down. I don’t think that I am putting him down. Sometimes
our own feelings can get in the way and determine how we react to what others
are saying regardless of their intentions. I know my intentions are not to put
him down. How do you nicely point out to someone that if they think they have a
200 iq and knows everything that they should know how to do grade 6 or 7 math?
Not an easy undertaking to teach someone who thinks they know everything. Not
easy to keep my cool when being yelled at by someone who thinks swearing
constantly is an acceptable way to communicate. Yet I’m the one putting him down…
No but he perceives it that way because in order to justify his actions he has
to put the responsibility on someone else, me. I had to go out and when I
returned I calmly told him I’m sorry if he thinks my intentions were to put him
down however he needs to realize that he can’t continue stating he knows
everything if he can’t do the work. That’s not a put down, that’s fact.
Sometimes you have to think about what the other person’s intentions are before
you judge them.
------------------------------
Anniversary & Alcohol
I went out last night to
celebrate my sister and her husband’s wedding anniversary. It’s also soon going
to be my husbands and my 3rd anniversary of being together.
My son: So you’re going to
go drinking when you won’t let me drink
Me: I’m going out and I
don’t need to justify to you if I have a drink or not
I know it can seem unfair
that I make these decisions however the circumstances are so different. I’ve
made my home drug fee and basically alcohol free to help my son recover and because
it was the right choice for me and my husband. I seriously hate being drunk and
always have so developing or having an alcohol problem is not currently in my
cards. My son however is a different story. He is developing alcoholism. He
drinks about 3-5 times a week even with me not having it in my home. It’s as
much about the choices you are making as the amount of alcohol you are
drinking. I didn’t go out to drink. Me and my husband went out to spend time
with my sister and her husband and have some adult conversation. The motivation
is different.
Anyways
I had a good time and I didn’t get drunk to have it.
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July 27, 2013
Day Trip
I’m leaving my son alone
for the day. This will be the first time since he came to live with me 3 months
ago. A little anxious but I’m looking forward to spending some time doing my
own thing. My sister and I are going to an Elvis Festival. For those who don’t
know what that is, it’s where people go to sing, compete and show their love
for Elvis Presley, The King of Rock and Roll.
It
will be good for me to just relax and let my guard down for a little while. To
not be just mom for a little bit. I think it will do my son some good to not
have mom around for the day. We need the break from each other.
---------------------------------
Elvis Festival
Matt Cage, Cody Ray
Slaughter and Ben Portsmouth oh my… Then Shawn Klush re-created Elvis Presley’s
Aloha From Hawaii concert with the legendary Stamps Quartet and Sweet
Inspirations. Seriously awesome show.
Was up for 20 hours
yesterday and probably need to see my chiropractor after too many hours sitting
in uncomfortable seats but well worth it to have spent the day with my sister
enjoying our mutual love for The King.
My son
survived the day without me. My husband was home to make him dinner so all was
good.
------------------------
Swearing
So I get up this morning to
my son speaking the way he normally does around me which is to add the F word
to almost every sentence.
Me: You just said the F
word about 5 times
My son: Did I?
My husband: You know you
didn’t swear at all last night (I wasn’t home)
My son: I guess I’m just
trying to get under mom’s skin. Just kidding.
Me: Subconsciously I think
you are.
I’m beginning to think that
subconsciously he is doing it to get under my skin. He knows how much I hate
it. Since he has such a problem recognizing his own subconscious it doesn’t
surprise he wouldn’t see it. Something I will have to keep working on.
-------------------------------
Homeschooling &
Discipline
So my day begins with the
usual ‘it’s your fault, stop putting me in a bad mood, don’t talk to me about
things I already know, etc’
It’s 11 am and he’s just
waking up. Has to have school work done by 2 pm which sounds like a lot of
time but it can take a couple of hours to get 30 minutes of work out of him and
of course he needs time to wake up or I hear ‘you can’t expect me to do work
when I’ve just woken up.’
Frustrating for me as I’ve
spent most of my morning putting together his work for the day. I don’t have
anyone handing me curriculum. I have to do my best to find what information I
can on the internet and put it into a format that he can understand and learn.
Then I have to teach it to him which isn’t easy because he talks to me in a way
he would probably not talk to a teacher.
Now he
doesn’t want to do the work I prepared, he wants to do it his way which means
the least amount of effort possible along with the attitude that I’m the stupid
one… oh well back to no internet for attitude as he ripped up the work I had
prepared for him. Guess I’m in for a wonderful day.
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Up & down
Was an
up and down day yesterday. Calm until I wouldn’t give him what he wanted then
attitude all over again. Tried to renegotiate as always that if he did his
studying than could he get his internet back. No. Internet gone for attitude as
well and the motivation for him to do his studying should be to meet his own
goal of wanting his schooling. Which leaves us in the cycle of no internet
therefore no studying. Again the delusion that his dad is going to let him move
back. Later apologized for his attitude. Didn’t take his clozapine last night
so that he can have more vivid dreams. Toke it this morning which means he will
be to tired to do his studying again. Oh well… what can I do except take away
his internet again when the studying isn’t done. It was his choice and he will
have to live with the consequences of that choice if it happens.
-----------------------------
My son got his studying done yesterday.
Just spent part of my morning making up today’s work for him. He didn’t go to
bed until after 2:30 last night and it’s 11:30 now and he’s still in bed.
Starting to become a bad routine again of staying up late and sleeping in. Not
taking medications at a reasonable time is contributing to this bad routine.
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Compliments & Rules
Saw a
blog about a compliment jar. Decided to put together a list of compliments for
my son telling him that: I am proud of him even if I don’t say it often enough,
he’s beautiful, compassionate, strong, smart, worth fighting for and loved.
I’ve also made up a list of rules and self care guidelines that he needs to try
and follow every day. I will put both of these on his bedroom wall so that he
can see them all the time. Unfortunately he is quit capable of not looking at
and ignoring what he doesn’t want to see so I don’t know if it will help or
even if he will keep them up but I do have to try.
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July 31, 2013
My son got up at 1:50 pm
yesterday. 10 minutes before school work was supposed to be done. Thinking he
would rush through it in 10 minutes. I prepared the work so I knew 10 minutes
wouldn’t cut it. I disconnected the internet. Resulted in swearing, don’t talk
to me and slamming his bedroom door. Internet gone for longer for the swearing.
Actually tried to do his work as his friend wouldn’t let him come in until he
did it. Said he wanted to be a good friend. Didn’t get far and what he did do
was incorrect as again he was trying to rush through it. One quarter of the
effort he puts into learning a new game would go far if he applied it to
studying. Quiet day outside of this. Again had to force him to bed around 2:30.
There’s nothing he’s doing in the living room that he can’t do in his bedroom.
New rule will have to be no lab top in the living room if he can’t get himself
to bed. Aside from the bad routine he’s going to ruin my couch. Patients on
clozapine sweat a lot more and I think he had alcohol yesterday (friend let him
in) so sweats even more when sleeping. Appointment with one of his therapists
today and I think we will be discussing firmer boundaries around disrespecting
me and our home and what options are available to me if things get out of hand.
Slamming doors and swearing doesn’t sound all that bad but when it’s someone
with a 19 year old vocabulary and strength it can get bad.
----------------------------
August 1, 2013
From my perspective the appointment
with my son’s occupational therapist went well. From son’s, not so good. He
thinks she is taking my side over his. Once I got asked to leave the room so
that he could talk to her alone. It’s got to be hard when someone else is
telling a different version of what happened. He’s having a tough time
realizing that the responsibility of most of our disagreements can be placed
mostly on his shoulders. His therapist thinks I need to tighten the boundaries
as the way he is acting out is not acceptable. I agree but it’s not so easy to
do. Every boundary or rule is being pushed and tested. We went over the rules
that I’ve put in place and he agreed that they are all reasonable and that he
would try harder to follow them. We also discussed that he needs to be aware of
some alternative places to go, even if just for a couple of days, in case
things get really bad and I am unwilling to deal with his attitude. I did up a
list of men’s shelters for him with their numbers so he can contact them. He
needs to realize that his choices are causing him more harm then me. He’s the
one losing privileges not me. I toke away his apartment keys because he needs
to realize that if he wants to leave slamming doors then he may not get back
in. This isn’t his castle and he’s not the king. Last night he asked for his
internet back stating he’s learned his lesson. I’ve heard this before but I
will accept that he’s trying. Gave him back the internet but made it clear he
needs to be in his own room by 11:30 pm. No sleeping on the couch. Of
course he pushed this too and didn’t go until midnight. We agreed that 3 days a
week he study my way and 2 days a week he can spend an hour each day doing it
his way. Let’s see what today brings…
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Vinegar on mosquito bites
Was at my sisters a couple
of nights ago and got 3 bites on my right hand. If I scratch them they last
about 3-4 weeks. If I don’t scratch they last about 2 weeks. Recently started
having vinegar in my home. With a Q-tip I put it all over the bite and wherever
it’s itching. It works better then any product I have bought. Stops the itching
pretty quick and lasts for awhile. Only smell like a french fry for about 5
minutes then the vinegar smell goes away.
---------------------------------
August 2, 2013
Proud of my son
It
seems we have to go through some tough spots before we can make progress. It’s
been a couple of tough days for him but I think some things finally hit home,
at least for now. When he got up today he asked if we had any plans for the
day. Shows he’s thinking ahead. Just his studying and maybe his laundry and a
shower was on the agenda for the day. Friend asked him to go to the beach for
the afternoon. He ASKED me if I would allow him to do his studying when he got
back that he WILL do it. Can I be considerate of this? Yes I can providing he
knows that no excuse will get him out of it later. He ASKED for his apt. keys
back, didn’t demand them, stating he will try harder to not slam doors and
swear. We shook on it that if this happens again and I have to ask for them
back he will give them to me. His laundry can certainly wait until tomorrow as
him getting out and knowing what it feels like to enjoy spending time with
friends at a beach is more important. Discipline is hard but sometimes you just
gotta do it. Being tough doesn’t mean you don’t love. Sometimes it’s the exact
opposite.
--------------------------------
August 3, 2013
One step forward, two steps
back
Barely
got his studying done yesterday. Had to deal with all the excuses I told him I
would not accept when he asked to do it later. Been in sun all day, tired and
not in the mood. Reminded him that he gave me his word and persisted that we do
it. Broke the rule of no rolling cigarettes in living room after I was in bed.
Had him clean up part of the mess before going to visit his friend. Getting him
to clean up all of it is a test of my patience. Reminded him of rule and that
if he does it again I will throw out his rolling papers. Response ‘whatever’.
So attitude about being reminded of what he agreed upon. Has to do laundry and
shower today. I’m beginning to wonder if he’s not taking his clozapine every
night. Gets upset when I ask him if he did and that’s not normal for him.
Sometimes I can hear him laughing with himself. When I ask what he’s laughing
at I get told nothing so it’s something in his head.
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Parents or Caregivers
Just wondering if there are
any parents or caregivers of someone suffering with psychosis on tumblr. Would
love to connect if there is.
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August 5, 2013
Quiet yesterday. He showered, came
grocery shopping and went for two bike rides. Went to bed on his own last
night. Yesterday morning had to discuss the rule of going to bed as the night
before I found him sleeping on the couch with the living room a mess at 2 pm.
Had smoked pot the night before so habit toke over. Told him this was his only
warning. Next time he loses internet for breaking the rules. It was his choice
to get high and cause himself to disregard the rules.
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Insight & Stigma
For
awhile now I’ve had a problem understanding what people meant by stigma. I kept
thinking that it’s not something I have to deal with. I’m beginning to see it
now. It stems from a lack of insight into psychosis and the person suffering
from it. I know that my families intentions are not to be unkind but I’m seeing
how their lack of insight and knowledge of psychosis does cause it to some
degree. They look at my son and see the body of a 19 year old and think he
should be acting that age but he can’t. He’s reacting to this world as someone
a lot younger then that. In his eyes we are family and because he wants to
build a relationship with his family he thinks they should want to build a
relationship with him. He doesn’t understand or know what I will call social
etiquette. He hasn’t learned the boundaries yet. Being family doesn’t guarantee
loving feelings, we are all still strangers to some degree. Add a recent news
article about someone with schizophrenia doing some pretty awful things and I’m
seeing my family pull back. I can’t say I blame them for being cautious and my
son has contributed to them putting up walls with his own negative attitude but
it’s not new that he has schizophrenia. We have known about it for over two
years. The difference is that now it’s a part of their lives and through no
fault of their own fear is dictating their reactions. I’ve heard comments like
‘Can’t you put his pills in his food?’ Said out of love but disrespects my
son’s rights to choose. Having a relationship with him build on trust and
respect is just as important as him taking medications. We all have the right
to refuse treatment just as an alcoholic has the right to keep on drinking.
Until of course we reach a point where were are a danger to ourselves or
others. Well even then we can’t stop an alcoholic from buying alcohol. In my
opinion they are not of sound mind but still have the right to slowly kill
themselves or even put themselves in a state that could harm others. Sorry if
I’m venting but I’m struggling with feeling for my son who only sees that
places he was encouraged to go to before are now off limits. He’s not getting
worse with his psychosis, he is in fact getting better. So I guess I have a
better understanding of stigma now. Every day we all have the right to make
choices, including wrong ones like drinking, drugging, smoking or putting
ourselves over other people but because we are legally sane we have a right to
that choice even though it could cause harm to ourselves and others. Because my
son has psychosis we, even myself on occasion, want to take away those rights.
Writing this has certainly been an eye opener for myself on my previous
thoughts about limiting my son’s rights to drinking etc. Thanx for reading.
----------------------------
Feeling blessed
I’m
feeling blessed today. It’s been a good day. My son did his school work and his
laundry with a good attitude. The reason I feel blessed however is that I got
to see a glimpse of my little boy today. We went to the store and he wanted a
chocolate egg with a toy in the middle because it showed a picture of a dragon.
The innocence behind it touched my heart. I’ve told him today how proud I am of
him as his attitude is great and he’s done what I’ve asked him to do. Hopefully
we can continue to build on this.
-----------------------------
Positives
I
blogged yesterday about how I feel blessed. I’m happy with my son’s progress
and the difference in attitude. Perhaps doing up my list of compliments for him
and putting the rules in writing for him has made a difference. So far he
hasn’t taken them down. Being made aware of the men’s shelters in our area if
things kept going bad probably helped too. I think his occupational therapist
talked to him about how is own defiance was getting in the way. Since that day
I’ve noticed a big difference in his attitude. So far no more slamming of doors
and swearing is down to a minimum. He knows that I know he does it to piss me
off which is pretty childish. Back to spending time in his bedroom instead of
taking over the living room. Less attitude with me while doing his school work.
It all adds up to me being able to give him praise for the good things which
reinforces the behavior. Time for me to prepare his school work for today.
--------------------------------
August 6, 2013
Another good day so far. He washed
his laundry yesterday so today I folded it and had him put it away. We got his
homework done. I think we can move on from nouns, verbs, adverbs and
adjectives. He seems to have this now. Working on how to use punctuation marks
and moving onto fractions in math. This may seem a little below him for the age
of 19 but we are working on getting his cognitive thinking moving again and
building on the victories of learning the smaller stuff will help him to want
the victory of learning the harder stuff. The look on his face when I put an
‘A’ on his paperwork is all the thanx I need.
-----------------------
Defiance
Ever wonder how much of
your life is being controlled by defiant behavior? Your doing something or not
doing something just to be defiant? I’m 41 and when I peel potatoes I still
have to caution myself not to cut off too much of the potato. Why? Because when
I was a kid my dad used to get mad at me for doing this. Part of me still wants
to defy him. I just had a discussion with someone about how I do laundry.
Honestly I suck at it. I don’t dye stuff pink anymore but can certainly do a
better job then I do. I asked myself why. Well because when I was young my step
dad used to make us fold and iron a certain way. Not our cloths but his cloths.
I guess I still resent doing laundry…
--------------------------
August 7, 2013
Good day yesterday. Didn’t get any
studying done but that was my fault for not preparing it early enough.
Bi-weekly blood work done. He will be receiving disability soon and I’m worried
how things will go once he starts having his own money but will deal with that
when it happens. Up until yesterday I’ve had control over how many cigarettes
he gets in a day and keeping his medications. It’s time to let him take care of
this on his own. Will still monitor but he needs to start learning how to be
responsible. I had another chance to tell him I was proud of him. Awhile ago he
had an altercation with his cousin that has caused some uneasiness in the
family. Instead of just doing what he wanted he asked for permission to say hi
to his cousin. I was very impressed that he acted so grown up in taking other
peoples feelings and wishes into account. We also had a discussion last night
regarding another family member. My son is beginning to feel like they do not
want to have anything to do with him. I told him that they have full lives and
I’m not even close to them. He needs to not have high expectations and accept
that there are people who want to have a relationship with him not just because
he is family but because he is an awesome person. Family or not, if someone
decides to not be in his live it’s their loss and they are missing the
opportunity to know a wonderful person. He said thank you. I do love him and his
sister so much!
---------------------------
My Best Friend helped me
get off the fence
My
best friend and I talked for a couple of hours last night on the phone. We’ve
been friends for years and I think she probably knows me better then anyone.
For years we worked in the same office so shared a lot over breaks together.
She doesn’t lie to me and tells me how it is. She’s not emotionally involved
with what is going on with my son and my family. She’s straight up with me when
she thinks I’m being to lenient, etc. and she also has experience with
schizophrenia. I’ve been struggling with feelings of being on the fence as I’m
trying to see things through my son’s eyes and through my family’s eyes. Her
responses to what I was telling her helped me to realize that I need to get off
the fence. My son comes first. It’s probably easier for everyone to put the
responsibility of current choices on my son but that’s not where it should be.
His apparent unfounded negative attitude towards one of his cousins is not unfounded.
It stems from childhood when both my children were treated like and told that
they were stupid on a regular basis. This attitude is still in place today. How
many of us would not respond negatively to that type of insult? Because your
not book smart your worth less… My son also wants to build a relationship with
another cousin who is now afraid to be around him alone. I don’t blame her for
this. However I don’t blame my son either. The part that throws me is that they
are now more afraid of my son then the general public because my son has
schizophrenia. I won’t go into all the details. Anyways thanx to my bestie for
helping me to get of this fence!
--------------------------------
August 10, 2013
One step back
After
a really good week we may have taken a little step backwards. I guess it is to
be expected. After telling my son’s therapist and psychiatrist how good he was
doing my son got upset because I voiced my opinion that he doesn’t need a prn,
an as needed anti-anxiety. He has a history of abusing them and his
psychiatrist won’t prescribe them anyways but he sees that as my fault. He
offered to prescribe him something for ADD of course my son said no. Even
though we had a good week he has still been drinking or smoking some pot almost
daily. His anxiety levels go up in direct proportion to the substances he uses
but he can’t or refuses to see this. Friday morning I wake up to him sleeping
on the couch and the living room a mess which goes against 2 of the rules. His
way of punishing me for going against the prn? Sadly it’s him that will have to
deal with the negative consequences. Tried talking to him about it on 3
occasions. No luck and attitude back. Lost the internet for not studying. Won’t
get the internet back until Friday’s studying is done. Of course he didn’t like
that and so starts the swearing. Made him leave my room. I’m done dealing with
that. If he wants to test the boundaries that’s his choice and he will have to
deal with the consequences. On a good note he slept in his own bed last night.
-----------------------
Reiki Healing
Was expecting a bad morning
but my son surprised me yet again. He set his alarm last night as he had plans
with his aunt to go out today. Couple of snoozes but he got up on his own and
in a good mood. Cleaned up his mess in the living room when asked and
acknowledged that he needs to do his homework from yesterday. I’m glad his aunt
made time for him today. His cousin that is leery of being alone with him is
also with them. I didn’t go as I think they need the time together and
hopefully they will talk some things out regarding boundaries.
My son
believes he has the ability to do reiki healing. I gave him a name for it
today. He would like to be able to heal other people not just himself so maybe
today I will spend some time researching it for him and see if there are any
groups in our area that work with this.
------------------------
August 11, 2013
Had a nice talk with my son yesterday
while he was waiting for his aunt. They came back with flowers for me that he
picked out. That was really nice. He got his homework from Friday done so that
he could get his internet back. He got a little drunk at his friends. He was
able to acknowledge that he drank to much. Went to bed at a reasonable time on
his own.
-------------------------
August 12, 2013
Sunday was quiet. No expectations. Perhaps a small
showing of positive symptoms as a result of some drinking and drugging the day
before. Laughing out loud over his own thoughts or what he was doing on the
internet. Went to bed late but did go to his own room. Slept in today as a
result. Got his studying done. Also got his first disability payment today.
Trying to keep positive thoughts while preparing myself for what will hopefully
only be a little bump in the road.
-------------------
August 13, 2013
My son is feeling pretty shitty this
morning. Too much alcohol and probably some weed last night. Reminded him
yesterday that I would still have the same expectations of him today. Tempting
to start vacuuming and make a lot of noise like he did last night when I was
trying to sleep. I won’t but it is tempting as I have little sympathy for
hangovers. Pretty sure he missed his medications last night. Has an appointment
with his nurse today. Will see how the day goes.
----------------------
Here for a reason
It
sometimes amazes me how many blogs I read of people feeling unloved, unwanted
and like they do not deserve to live. Then I remember my own past feelings of
thinking this way and I try to think of something reassuring to say. All I can
say is that you are here therefore you deserve to be here. I totally believe
that everyone of us is put on this earth for a reason and it’s not to sell
yourself short or to cut off your life in it’s prime. I know that things can
seem overwhelming, like your fighting an uphill battle with no peak insight but
every hill does have a peak. I’m 41 now and still learning about myself and my
purpose. My son, my husband, my daughter, my research and whatever else I
decide to fill my life with. All the bad things that myself and my family have
gone through are experiences and building blocks that I use to strengthen me.
Sure it would be nice if I didn’t go through or see the things I did but
without them I wouldn’t be the pillar I am today for my family or for myself. I
would not change who I am today for the world and if it took all those negative
things to shape me into who I am than I am thankful for them all. Cry, scream,
yell, pound on a pillow, blare your favorite music. Do what you have to do but
also remember to laugh, love, smile and most of all love yourself because you
are here for a reason. That reason may not be clear today but someday your
experiences and knowledge will help someone else. Have faith and be strong. All
my love <3
--------------------------
My son got his studying done. As
usual the math part he aced. Had him do part of a literacy test so that I can
see where his comprehension is at. Something we need to work on but I know that
he will get it as his cognition is improving. The brain like any muscle needs
to be worked. Toke his medications from last night so a little tired today but
I’m glad he toke them. His nurse was here and told him he’s impressed with the
progress he’s heard my son is making.
-------------------------
August 14, 2013
I blogged yesterday that my son’s
nurse was here and told him he’s impressed with his progress. He asked my son
what he attributed this progress to and my son couldn’t answer him. I have my
own theories on this. It’s like when I was teaching my son some of his math and
even though I showed him the standard/easy way to do it my son insisted on
doing it his way, the hard way. Just to prove he could do it the hard way I
guess. The next day I noticed that he was doing it the way I showed him. I
didn’t comment on it and just smiled to myself that he was paying attention. No
one wants to admit that someone else could be right and that we were
unjustified in acting the way that we did. In my opinion my son does not want
to admit that his own attitude and defiance was getting in the way. That’s ok.
The fact that he is trying to change a negative attitude into a positive
attitude and has dropped a lot of his defiance is awesome to see.
--------------------------
Voices
We all
deal with negative thoughts about ourselves. Inner voices that tell us that we
are not good enough. For some those voices take on an identity of their own and
they cannot be pushed back or ignored. Through tumblr I learned about Eleanor
Longden and the Hearing Voices Movement. I can only urge those who are dealing
with negative voices to look into her approach and treatment of her voices,
that they are “a sane reaction to insane circumstance.” To treat the most
negative ones with the most compassion as they are the part of you that needs
the most love and compassion. I know that this may sound pretty lame coming
from someone who does not suffer from voices but I do know that in order to
recover from own ordeals I had to have compassion and love for myself. That
little girl in me that needed to know that she was worth it had to be
acknowledged and given the love that she deserved. She is still a part of me
today as even at 41 my husband loves his little/baby girl. She used to be the
cause of a lot of my insecurities but now she’s allowed the freedom to come out
and play even if it is only with my husband who loves that part of me. Just
some of my thoughts and I hope I have not offending anyone who does suffer.
--------------------------
August 15, 2013
had to go to the post office today so
my son walked with me. Then we had lunch at a little diner that I like. After
that we stopped at a second hand bookstore that has lots of romance novels. I
collect Johanna Lindsay so I was able to get a couple more to add to my
collection. My son found a book in the fantasy section that he wants to read. I
hope he does read it as I think it will help with his cognition and therefore
make his literacy homework a lot easier for him. Small attempt to get out of
doing his homework today but gave in and is doing it. Enjoyed getting out and
doing something. We both needed it.
-------------------------
Herbal Tinctures &
Supplements
I’m
going through perimenopause. This means I’m in the beginning stages of
menopause. Because I smoke cigarettes I didn’t want to be on birth control
pills to regulate my cycle and control my hot flashes. I had to find
alternative ways to deal with these symptoms. Herbs. Dong quai and black
cohosh. Taking care of your body can seem like a full time job sometimes. NAC
(N-Acytel Cysteine) first thing in the morning on an empty stomach. An hour
later my herbal tinctures of dong quai and black cohosh also on an empty
stomach. A little later my vitamin C with my V8 juice and yogurt. Later in the
day my liquid calcium. Supper time my multi-vitamin and mineral, omega 3 and
B12. Sounds like a lot but our bodies need to taken care of if they are going
to take care of us.
------------------------
August 17, 2013
It’s the weekend. Yah! For me that
means I get 2 days off from preparing school work for my son. 2 days off from
doing it for my son. Nice break for both of us. Everything is still going good
although the amount of alcohol and pot he’s been into for the last week will
probably cause some sort of depression or anxiety once he runs out of money. He
was throwing up yesterday and the night before from too much alcohol and
nicotine. He’s smoking tobacco from a pipe and chewing it. Trips to the beer
store almost every day. Inconsistent with his medications because of all this.
He’s the one that has to decide how much abuse he wants to do to his body and
how much control he wants to give to his addictions.
----------------------------
11 Years Clean Anniversary
Today
I have been clean from speed and crack for 11 years. On one hand it feels like
it was just yesterday yet on the other hand it feels like a life time ago. I
will go with the life time ago as it’s not who I am anymore. I rarely think
about it until it starts to get closer to August and something in my head tells
me that I’m forgetting something. To pat myself on the back and say job well
done!
------------------------
Right now I’m trying to deal with my
own feeling of being pissed off. My son has been drinking excessively and
smoking pot for the past week. As of yesterday his negative attitude is starting
to come back along with his version of things making my version the lie. As of
yesterday everything I’m saying or asking him to do is being met with negative
attitude. I had to point out that giving me the finger will not be tolerated.
I’m noticing that the swearing is picking up again. He wanted me to give him
cigarettes today until his bank releases funds to pay me back. No. He didn’t
pay me back all of what he was supposed to when he did receive some money. So
starts the argument of what really happened regarding this. My version being
the lie. Gotta love delusions. So he figures talking on skype with his friend,
bashing women, purposely so that I can hear it, is the way to go. Not really.
Reminded him it’s a woman supporting his ass so he may want to check his
attitude. So far today I have had to clean up two messes in the living room so
his laptop is back in his room and can stay there until he changes his
attitude. Tried to get my attention when I was cleaning by clapping and doing
things within my line of vision. I ignored him. He forgets that I’ve had a lot
of years of experience dealing with childlike behavior. Just because I’m mom
and have sympathy and empathy doesn’t mean I’m going to cater to this type of
behavior. Thanx for listening to my rant.
------------------------------
August 19, 2013
Downhill we go. Didn’t get homework
done by 2 so lost internet. Apparently my attitude sucks. Swearing and slamming
doors. Lost internet for 3 more days. Upside he stopped slamming doors
----------------------------
It was a short downhill I’m glad to
say. Was even in a better mood later still knowing that he had lost his
internet for about 4 days. He really does surprise me sometimes. Of course his
friend agreed to let him use his wireless. Still I’m glad the negative attitude
isn’t there right now.
---------------------------
August 20, 2013
Shame on me… You would think I would
know better. My son’s better mood. Well he had reset my router so he had his
internet back. I had my own blinders on. I had previously known that he could’t
get his friends wireless in his bedroom. Signal not strong enough. In my own
need to not rock the boat I let myself think ‘perhaps he upped the signal
strength’. I disconnected the router. I don’t need the router or wireless for
my own computer so that is taken care of for the moment anyways. Downside to
him having no internet is him not doing his homework. Seems there is always a
downside. Since he doesn’t have the internet he refuses to do his homework. In
the end it’s his choice. I will continue prep’ing his work everyday and let him
know that it is piling up and that he won’t be getting his internet back until
it’s all done. Currently he won’t get it back for at least 4 more days. I
haven’t decided how many days to add on for resetting my router. Don’t want to
make that decision out of anger. He got really drunk last night. Throwing up.
In his mind this is how normal people drink. They get stupid drunk once a month
or so.
----------------------
Chasing the dragon
I
remember the first time my mom told me I was chasing the dragon. I had no idea
what she was talking about. She had tried to learn and understand my addiction.
Why I kept getting high. I guess they call it this because you are trying to
recapture that first time, that started your addiction, when you thought yup I
got it. This makes sense and of course feels good. The problem is that no
matter how hard you try to catch that dragon, it’s always one step ahead of
you. No matter how high or drunk you get or how deep you cut it’s never quit
good enough. You want more and more. I tried really hard to catch it one night
when I was addicted. I almost caught it and I’m pretty sure I came really close
to OD’ing too. Notice I said almost. Always one step ahead of me and to catch it
is probably death. How far are you willing to go? This phrase crossed my mind
just now because of my son. I’m supposed to be understanding that once his
money runs out then he won’t be able to drink again, at least until he gets in
more money, so I should let him enjoy what he has. Drank himself sick last
night, caused problems between his friend and his dad, and yet today he is
buying more alcohol. When is enough enough? Well, never. Not when your an
addict. No amount of alcohol, drugs or I would imagine cutting, will get you
the long lasting relief you are looking for. Stop chasing the dragon.
--------------------------------
Double chocolate chunk cookies fresh
from the oven. Normally I don’t like chocolate but I had a couple.
----------------------------------
August 22, 2013
Good Morning
Good
morning everyone. I’m in a good mood. No particular reason why other then I’m
here. My son is here. I love my family and best friend. Not much on the agenda
for today. No appointments. Going to wake my son up soon with a coffee. He
needs to do laundry and get blood work done. Hopefully between the two of us we
can get his room tidied up and some homework done. Sometimes you have to create
your own positive moments or days. My goal today is to have a good day with my
son and get him back on the road of recovery.
-----------------------------
Not a bad day. His laundry is done
and he cleaned up his messes. Blood work will have to wait until tomorrow.
Spent some time with him watching True Blood and having a healthy snack.
------------------------------
Disciplining adult child with
psychosis, ADHD and possibly ODD. Not a fun trip trying to set the appropriate
boundaries and give positive feedback in the face of defiance and negativity.
Make clear rules and boundaries and follow through. Don’t engage in arguments
over the rules. Make the consequences clear. Check. This is on his bedroom
wall.
-----------------------
What my coffee table currently looks
like. Again clearly stating rules and expectations with consequences. Also a
reward system to motivate compliance with the rules and expectations. If he
wishes the opportunity to examine his own anger, results and look at ways to
change the behavior. Disciplining an adult child with psychosis, ADHD and
possible ODD is certainly not easy. To the best of my ability I’m trying to
follow the guidelines and the advise of his support team.
------------------------
August 25, 2013
Adult Time
Going to spend some time
with my sister today. I need a break from being mom and feeling like I’m
walking on egg shells. Will be nice to let my guard down for a little while.
Play some cards. Conversation not centered around defiant behavior. Looking
forward to it.
----------------------
I spent the night dreaming
about crying. I’m not one to allow myself the luxury of crying as I don’t
believe it does any good but I guess it needed to be expressed so I dreamt
about it. All out, falling apart, no holding back, crying. I must say it felt
good in my dream to let go. No judgments, no one to be strong for, no
consequence to allowing myself to be weak for a minute. The chance to yell at
the world how unfair it all is. Can’t recall who, or even if there was a who, I
was letting lose on but I recall yelling and crying, perhaps just at
nothingness.
The day to day struggle of
trying to figure out the best way to help my son is taking it’s toll. Yesterday
my husband and I had a good time hanging out and playing cards with my sister
and her husband, Downside. There was alcohol involved. My husband is a recently
recovering addict and alcohol, even in small amounts, sometimes causes him to
have little to no control over unresolved anger issues. Physical violence is
not an issue. His ability to handle some of his own aging and physical ailments
however is an issue. Reacting in his sleep and with the after affect of alcohol
causes his perception of what is happening to be a little off. He doesn’t
recall that he was already agitated or that his own words or actions caused me
to distant myself. His inability to let go of his own anger carries over into
the following day.
Now don’t laugh… but I
managed to sit on a wasp yesterday and got stung on the inside of my butt
check. So it’s 2 am. My butt is itching like crazy, my husband is angry, my
son’s defiance is continuing and he’s apparently decided to not tell me he
loves me when I tell him I love him. He knows this hurts me based on previous
conversations. My insomnia is acting up. So ya… After taking Melatonin, Advil
and stinking of vinegar (for my wasp sting), I eventually managed to get back
to sleep on the couch.
This morning: Woken up from
my crying dream just after 5 as that’s when my husband gets up for work. I
don’t normally hear his alarm but due to alcohol he has a harder time waking up
to it. Still angry I get no kiss goodbye and he doesn’t put on a pot of coffee
like he usually does. Of course he’s mad at me at this point for sleeping on
the couch. To top it all off I wake up to my cycle starting.
With everything that is
going on I guess my brain decided if I’m not going to have a good cry in real
life I might as well let it out in my dreams. If you read all this, thanx for
listening to my rant.
------------------------
August 27, 2013
I got over my woe is me moment. Wasp
bite only being a small pain in the butt :) Wanted my son to go get his blood
work done by himself yesterday and got told that he is only doing it and taking
his medications for me so I should go with him. I went with him. On the way
back we sat on a bench and talked. I figured we could keep the discussion from
getting heated if in a neutral place. It worked. No miracle cures for what we
are going through but at least we were both able to discuss our viewpoints.
Came home and talked to my husband about what really happened the night before.
He is sorry, he didn’t know he had said the things he did and realizes that
even that small amount of alcohol was not worth risking his love for me and
asked me what I wanted him to do. He needs to find these answers for himself.
We all had a good evening and my son had dinner with us for the first time in
awhile. Even toke a vitamin. My son’s new nurse is coming today to meet him
along with my therapist. I’m hoping it will be a good visit.
--------------------------
Proud of my husband
A
couple of days ago my husband asked me what I wanted him to do about his
unstable moods. I told him he has to figure it out for himself. The next day he
went to the doctor for another reason and while there talked to him about how
sometimes he gets upset, angry or irritated over the smallest things and has
trouble controlling it. He came back with a prescription for anti-anxiety. I’m
very proud of him for doing this and doing it on his own. This wasn’t an easy
step for him and although he isn’t liking how it is currently making him feel
he seems to be dealing with it. When my son heard about the prescription he
said “No. Don’t give in…” That meant don’t give into mom lol since that might
mean that I could be right on something.
---------------------------
August 28, 2013
Purple one is mine. The little rose is from something
my mom used to have. Blue one is my husbands. Brown one is my sons. Even got a
crystal for the car.
-------------------
Got these for myself. Used to have
runes a long time ago same with the rider tarot deck
-----------------------
At a bit of a stand still with my
son. Trying to keep things from going down hill. Homework is on the back burner
for now. Hopefully I can get us back on track with this next week. He met his
new nurse the other day and even though he told me that he wasn’t going to
participate in talking with the program anymore he still made a follow up
appointment. I’m doing my best to not overreact to him breaking the rules.
Calmly getting him to go to his bedroom when he stays up to late and clean up
his messes. He seems to have triggered his psychosis a little bit. Laughing
with himself, distracted and having trouble concentrating on what I’m saying.
Several days of marijuana use seems to cause this. I was worried about him
paying me for board and lodge from his disability but at least for the moment
that is taken care of as someone else had to explain to him that if he misuses
the money being given to him then it’s considered fraud and they can close his
file.
----------------------
My son is not taking his medications.
I guess I should have known but it’s hard to tell what is causing certain
symptoms. I thought that extended marijuana use was triggering it and it is but
if he was taking his medications than it wouldn’t have triggered it so bad.
He’s not sleeping and is depressed and anxious. There’s not a lot I can do as
he needs to realize that his own choices have let to this. I get that he
doesn’t want to depend on medications but depending on alcohol and street drugs
is not the answer either. The choice to self medicate over prescribed
medications is still a choice to depend on something external as a coping tool.
I’m hoping the insomnia he is currently going through doesn’t trigger his
psychosis even more but maybe that needs to happen. It’s obvious to me how much
good his medications are doing but it’s not obvious to him so perhaps I need to
step back and let things fall apart. The decisions of being a parent…
-----------------------
It shouldn't matter
Wouldn’t
it be nice if we lived in a world were your color, sex or life style choices
didn’t matter. I find it hard to believe that we aren’t there yet. I’m on
Facebook reading a post about a poem written by a child about the color of our
skin. Usually I share these type of posts but this time I didn’t. What color,
gender, how or where we are born shouldn’t matter. Who cares if i’m _____ color
or ___ sexual or ___ whatever… I don’t care what color or sex you are or how
you choose to live your life as long as you treat me with courtesy and respect.
I think if we want to change then we need to make that change by supporting
people not color, gender etc. I’m purple, sexual, young, old, rich, poor,
smart, still learning… I am… I support humanity. Just my thoughts.
------------------
What is real?
My son and some of my
followers seems to be going through a tough time right now. What is reality? I
guess it’s what you can see, taste, hear and feel. What if you are seeing,
hearing, tasting and feeling more then everyone around you and it won’t stop? I
can only understand this on a small scale. My own brain won’t stop thinking
when I’m trying to go to sleep or when my husband gets up and there goes my
quiet. Sounds I don’t want to hear. Distractions I don’t want to feel. I
understand that for my son it’s a lot more then that. The sounds and
distractions are not scary for him. They are welcomed. They are safe. They open
up a whole different world were anything is possible. God, the devil, demons,
spirits and poltergeists are not something to be feared but a normal part of
his existence that wrap around him like a security blanket. He can hear, see
and feel them. They are real. His quest for knowledge and answers is not
grounded in this physical world but in the spiritual world. Maybe they are right
and if he listens to them and does what they say then he will gain the power of
the universe and can free himself from this physical world and all it’s
uncertainty.
3 years later my son is
still on this quest for knowledge and answers.
Mom would you rather be God
or the Devil?
Neither. I pick being
human. I don’t see myself as being trapped here. I’m not afraid of feeling pain
or hurt because I also feel love.
The further my son goes
into this world the further away from me and my love he is. I don’t see it as a
fair trade off to give up all the love and yes all the pain and uncertainty of
being human for the possibility of knowledge and answers that never seem to
happen.The answers are always just out of his reach. Tricksters that tempt him
with power that they never seem to able to follow through on. No matter how
hard he tries the answers and power elude him. They eat away at him until he is
so lost that there is little of him left. Still it’s not good enough. The
promise of knowledge and power doesn’t come.
So I ask you. Does love
motivate these tricksters? If another human kept you from food, sleep, caused
you pain or didn’t keep their promises, would you consider them a friend? Would
you think that they loved you?
My son is now 3 days into
self actualization, not sleeping, not eating, not being able to feel my love
for him. From a medical view he is in psychosis. I’m not particularly concerned
with the word psychosis. I am however concerned for my son’s physical and
mental well being. When will it be enough? How much of him needs to be lost
before they will be satisfied? I can’t make him choose between me and them. He
has to decide for himself if all the pain and uncertainty they are causing him
as they play with his mind is worth losing himself. I can’t make him decide
which reality is more real. I can only do my best to show him that the love I
feel for him is real. It’s my reality and can be his if he wants it.
I ask
from my followers that are struggling to ask yourself if following these
tricksters is an act of love. Love yourself enough to question their promises.
Find a reality that is motivated from love not self harm. You are worth
fighting for! <3
----------------------
September 2, 2013
I had to
have my son admitted to hospital yesterday due to psychosis. Not an easy choice
but a necessary one. This will be his 6th time. The first one that I personally
have had to go through as he was living elsewhere for 2 years. His insight into
why he is being admitted seems to be a little more then his previous ones. He
knows that he was not taking care of himself physically and that I was worried
for his well-being. He went off his medications 5 days ago. Drinking almost
daily for about 3 weeks now and marijuana use has gone up. Perhaps if he had
stayed on his medications the marijuana would not have had such negative
consequence but that is the cycle. As psychosis takes hold physical self
awareness gets less and less. Hadn’t slept and barely ate for about 3 days.
Thirsty but it was a struggle to get him to drink water. Could see his lips
getting chapped. Shivering from being cold or being afraid to let in external
energies. Laughing hysterically at external things and internal voices and
images. Fears of the devil trying to control him. I support my sons quest for
spiritual knowledge however I can not support his choices to not take care of
his physical body. It needs nutrition and downtime to regenerate. He thinks his
body should take care of itself on instinct. Natural instinct in my opinion
would include the knowledge of needing nutrition and rest. The most basic of
animals know they need to eat and sleep.
I am very
thankful for the team that came to assess him and take him to hospital. They
were very understanding and my son has expressed an interest in being a part of
their team and helping others. They made him feel safe and secure. He’s
struggling with feelings of not wanting to take medications as he doesn’t want
to lose himself. I wish there was a better way to walk a path between the
spiritual and the physical. I don’t want him to lose that part of him that he
cherishes but when it takes control and puts his physical body at risk then it
is no longer a choice, in my opinion. His psychosis is making the choices for
him.
I stayed
with him until he was settled and close to being a sleep. I told him that I
want my son back. The one that three weeks ago was making a life for himself.
He knew that he loved me and that I loved him. He was finding enjoyment from
things like watching tv shows, going for bike rides and playing his games. He
was enjoying food and even gave suggestions on recipes to try. The last 3 days
have been torture for him as well. He couldn’t feel that I loved him or that he
loved me. Somehow he gained a fear of dreaming when he has always loved his
dreams. He’s asked me several times if I would take pills like we want him to.
My answer: If I was being told that my ability to interact with the people that
I love was in jeopardy and that my mental state did not allow me to care for my
physical body as it needed then yes I would take the damn pill. I take pills
for insomnia and tinctures for menopause because my body needs help not because
I want to take them. Yes I know that it is different with anti-psychotics as it
limits the overwhelming amount of information being processed. I consider it a
temporary solution until cognitive therapy can be implemented and the brain can
learn to cope and mature.
Keep my son in your thoughts and prayers
-----------------
Saw my son
last night and spent an hour or so with him. He’s still in emergency as they
have no bed for him. Long weekend and emergency was packed. After waiting about
10 minutes for the intake nurse to talk to me so I could find out if he was
still in emergency, I just walked in and found him myself. Physically he’s
doing a little better. He finally got some sleep and has been eating. He seemed
really happy to see me and that is a good sign. He feels safe and comfortable.
Still really distracted and finding it hard to follow conversations or answer
simple questions. He asked me if I would bow down to god. No I would not. The
god that I believe in would not ask me to. He’s not about ego or control. He’s
not about being better then me. I only need to believe that he exists. My way
of worshiping him is to be the best person that I can be by loving myself and
those around me to the best of my ability. That is my belief. My son needs to
find his own beliefs that he can life and cope with. Faith is a choice.
Because he was off his clozapine/clozaril for so long
they can’t put him right back on the same dosage. They have to slowly work him
back up to it and monitor his white blood cell count. In the meantime they are
giving him, I think its risperdal, as they slowly up the clozapine.
---------------------
I know a lot of you are dealing with
anxiety today. First day back to school. Just get through today and deal with
tomorrow when it happens. Stay strong! <3
------------------
Was tough seeing my son today. He’s gotten worse so
I’m glad he is where he is. Will take time for the medication to start working
again so I guess I just have to wait.
-------------------
As my followers
know my son is currently inpatient. I'm trying to decide how I should be
approaching visiting him. I know that I'm probably asking a lot but I would
like the input of anyone who has been hospitalized for psychosis. I know that
isolation is not a good thing. I know that he needs to know that I am there for
him. I also know that my own feelings are secondary however I'm finding it hard
to see him in the mental state that he currently is in. Time is of no
consequence to him and he currently sees me as the reason he is there. I can be
there for an extended time and to him it's only been for 10 minutes. Our time
together seems to consist of him trying to prove to me that my reality is not
real. He's not really in a hospital, I'm delusional. He thinks I'm bringing him
food items that aren't really what they are. He's implied to a worker that I
may be trying to kill him. I know from previous hospitalizations that in a
couple of days, once he starts getting stable again, that he will not recall
what is currently happening. I'm struggling with my own feelings of wanting to
be there for him yet wanting to protect myself from unnecessary hurt. Once he
is reasonably stable and able to recognize that I am there for support and not
triggering his paranoia , to me would be the time to step up my interaction
with him. Suggestions or input welcome.
--------------------------
Self care
I’m
going to spend this afternoon taking care of me. Just put a good dinner in the
slow cooker. Going to do a load of laundry, clean the kitchen, clean the
hamster cages, get dressed, take out the garbage and then relax with a cup of
tea. Will go see my son after dinner.
------------------------
Feeling better. Sipping my tea.
Laundry folded and put away. Dishes done and kitchen doesn’t look neglected
anymore. Hamster’s cages cleaned. Bed made. Dinner smells good and my tummy is
saying can’t wait. Downloading first season of American Horror Story. I
actually prefer watching tv series after they have been out for a year or two.
Can watch episode after episode without waiting.
--------------------------
Letting Go
I’m
realizing that there are some things I need to let go of. They are in the past
and I can’t change them. It serves no purpose for me to try and rehash past
events that at this point in time would only cause unnecessary hurt to others.
I need to let it go. I thought I was helping to explain what I think is my son’s
point of view but instead all I did was hurt someone I love. We all remember
things differently and at this point they are just memories. Memories that need
I need to put away. I need to center myself on helping my son learn to cope
with feelings and thoughts that even he can’t understand. I have no idea how to
do that. I will do my best to put the past where it belongs and that is behind
us.
-------------------
Dirty Dancing
I
guess I will have to wait until tomorrow as I won’t make my husband sit through
me grinning stupidly at Johnny and Baby. Do love this movie. All these years
later and I still want to cry when Johnny leaves and when Johnny comes back.
---------------------
Just saw my son. Not sure how I feel.
Upset I guess. I understand that I’m his safe outlet for emotions that are
barely under control but it’s hard to not feel hurt by it. He is angry that he
has been locked up and it’s my fault. Nothing I say or do is right. They are
giving him more freedom on a trial basis. He can wear his own cloths now so I
will bring him down some tonight. I wish he could see that his own choices put
him where he is. He can deny having schizophrenia as long as he wants but in
the end that will put him in situations like this one every 6 months or less.
This is his 6th hospitalization in less then 3 years. If being mad at me would
fix everything then I would say go for it but that is not the case. Time to
watch Dirty Dancing…
--------------------
Toke my son down some cloths last
night. Earlier when I had seen him he was still pretty stand offish with me.
When I hugged him and said something like I’m sorry I know this is tough, he
got mad at me. He doesn’t want me talking about how tough this is, that he is
in the hospital or about his schizophrenia. He doesn’t want my sympathy. I
guess I can understand that as he is trying so hard to keep it together and
perhaps my sympathy will only cause him to fall apart. I will try my best to
respect his feelings on this. There well be plenty of time for talking about
this after he is stable. On the up side. He seemed genuinely happy to see me
last night. I think being able to wear his own cloths helped him to feel a lot
better. For the first time in 5 days he actually hugged me before I left. Even
smiled at me several times during our visit and referred to me as mom instead
of my name. I had no idea how hard it would be to see my son struggle with
this. How much of him gets lost while in psychosis is truly
heartbreaking.
--------------------
My son was feeling down last night. I
guess the medications are starting to work so he is unable to communicate with
objects they way he wants to. He doesn’t want to be ‘normal’. I can only
imagine how frustrating it is for him to be somewhere in between his reality
and my reality as my reality sucks for him. For me the possibilities of my
reality can be whatever I choose. I can spend time online, with my husband,
with my family, reading or whatever else I want. I find pleasure in all these
things. My son doesn’t. I wish that I could get inside his head and find the
part that is not allowing him to see and feel all the wonders of this physical
world and jump start it.
--------------------
guess I just had an epiphany.
Throughout the last couple of years when asked who in my son’s family had
mental illnesses I always replied with the diagnosed family members. While on
forums I only looked at posts regarding parents and caregivers of someone with
mental illness. Today I was going through posts of offspring of parents with
psychosis and I realized something. I think my father may have had some form of
psychosis or schizophrenia. We grew up in fear of my father’s temper and
irrational outbursts. Obsessions with God and being good. Random destruction of
things like the tv because it was the devil’s box. A bond with nature and
working in the dirt. Alcohol abuse. Confusion over why we were crying after he
had hit us. I always knew he was fighting his own demons but now it all seems
to make sense.
--------------------------
I talked to my worker through my
son’s program this morning. She has a way of putting things into perspective
for me and her support helps me a lot. My son’s grandmother took care of him
for two years as he took his first break while with her. I value her input but
at the moment I’m finding that I need to step back from it. I don’t know if we
are having a bit of a power struggle over who is best for my son or who does
right by him or what. I just know that I’m not liking it. Whether it was being
done on purpose or not, I’ve been made to feel like I did not act promptly
enough to get my son treatment for his current break. Comments about how sick
he is this time and that he can not go without his medications. I was actually
beginning to feel guilty about it until I went over all the notes from the last
two plus years regarding his admissions and consultations. He’s never been
compliant with medications and on occasion was receiving them through bi-weekly
injection. Due to chronic marijuana use he was rarely stable but instead self medicated.
He was never admitted for not being on medications but for positive symptoms
such as paranoia, delusions, hallucinations and multiple voices. My worker
helped me to understand that I could not have done anything differently. I am
very thankful for that. For my own peace of mind I have to remind myself that
despite this last break he has had a more productive life ,although short
lived, then he has for a long time. He actually went 8 months in between
hospitalizations. Previously he was averaging every 4-6 months. Thanx for
listening to my rant. I needed to vent ;)
------------------------------
Angel Baby 1995
My
husband and I watched this movie last night. By the end we were both in
tears.
----------------------------
My son called me! yah… Although he really wants me to
bring him wings for dinner :) Still he’s improving enough to want wings. He was
sleeping last night when I went to see him so I didn’t wake him just left him a
note that he did get.They have started giving him Valium. Learning how to cope
with anxiety and feelings without the aide of benzo..’s is the goal in my
opinion. Anxiety is a normal part of life. It’s a normal response to
uncertainty, trouble or feeling unprepared. As you learn how to be prepared for
what life throws at you, you can learn how to deal with anxiety. I’ve been
assured that their goal is to slowly take away the Valium to which I’m
grateful. Whether my son realizes it or not he does so much better without
them.
----------------------------
When your mind is on other
things
Paid
hydro instead of cable so ended up paying my cable late. Tore up the new
receipts that haven’t got through yet. So much for trying to be organized :p
-------------------------
September 16, 2013
As of today my son has been inpatient
for two weeks. Was doing better then had a little hiccup with Valium. These
types of medications don’t help my son due to his addictive personality. He
just wants more and more until he is completely sedated which still doesn’t
help as it doesn’t quit give the same affect as marijuana. They are trying him
on new medications which seem to primarily treat symptoms of ADHD, OCD and
anxiety disorder. It struck me the other day that for two years my son was with
the same psychiatrist and not once did I see mention in their notes that my son
displayed symptoms of ADHD and OCD. I wish that I had followed through and had
him diagnosed when he was younger as I thought that he had these years before
he had his first psychotic break. I was lacking in knowledge and didn’t want him
on medications and without doing research I let the stigma of some ADHD
medications determine my actions. My son’s current psychiatrist commented on
these symptoms within two meetings. That tells you how obvious the symptoms
are. In looking at the positive side of things if this current hospitalization
is allowing for treatment of symptoms that have gone untreated for so long than
I am thankful. Since being on the new medications he has been doing better. He
is doing a lot of writing so I’m supplying him with pens and notebooks to keep
him busy. Eating good and even wants healthier snacks now. Sleeping good. Wants
to spend time with me and my husband. Still getting him stable on his
anti-psychotic medications but his racing thoughts seem to be getting better.
To see signs of my son coming back is wonderful to see. His humor is coming out
more. He’s making jokes. He’s making conversation and asking how my husband’s
work day went. He’s showing an interest in physical things and making decisions
to find enjoyment from the simpler things like how much he likes his new pens
and notebooks. When he hugs me now it feels like my son is hugging me not just
going through the motions. There is always hope when you center on the
positives.
---------------------------
Quantum Physics and/or
Mechanics
I’m
not a physicist so correct me if I’m on the wrong track. Quantum physics seems
to be about all the possible or parallel realities. I watched an hours worth of
a video on quantum mechanics the other day in which they did experiments on how
an atom acts based on whether it’s being watched or not. It seems we have to
have faith that quantum physics exists based on an outcome that we can not
watch happen. If we watch it the outcome is different. There are unlimited
possibilities but when you focus on it then it becomes one possibility. You
have to have a preexisting belief in it or the results don’t make sense. You
have to have faith in it. Is this that much different that believing in say
miracles? If you have a preexisting belief or faith in a god then the miracle
makes sense. If you don’t then it’s left unexplained or as yet unsolved. I
don’t believe or disbelieve in quantum physics. I concede that there unlimited
possibilities in this world however I personally can only pay attention to the
ones that I can see. Concerning myself with unlimited possibilities that become
one when I look at them doesn’t make sense to me. To be grounded in the here
and now makes sense to me. Opening myself up to the possibilities of new
realities I can do. Still when I look at them according to quantum physics they
change how they act and become one. Am I totally missing the point?
------------------------
Compliments
When someone gives you a
compliment… say thank you. It seems like it took me a long time to learn how to
do that. Made me feel uncomfortable that someone even noticed me long enough to
notice something good about me. As I learned to accept that I also learned how
to say thank you. It’s not a competition on who’s the most beautiful, strong or
anything else. It’s not as hard as it seems.
I think you’re awesome.
I think you’re strong.
I think you’re worth
fighting for.
Now
what do you say?
-------------------------
Labels or Diagnoses
I think I need to vent a
little bit. I’ve been talking a bit about my son having symptoms of ADHD and
OCD. ADHD symptoms appeared years before his first break. I didn’t have him
diagnosed as I was afraid of him being put on medications like Ritalin. Same
goes for other members of his family. I question that in our fear of such
medications and labels we have all overlooked something. Not having him
diagnosed did not get rid of any of the symptoms of ADHD. I understand that no
one wants to be labeled by their symptoms but does not getting diagnosed give
relief from them? I can’t understand the mindset that it’s ok for my son to be
on medications for psychosis but not on medications for ADHD. Perhaps if his
other symptoms were being managed better then his psychosis symptoms would be
less. I don’t know. Overlooking these symptoms certainly has not been a benefit
to him. I don’t look at being diagnosed as being labelled. I look at it as
recognizing symptoms that need to be addressed. Not just through medications
but learned coping skills. How to recognize the signs and find better ways to
deal with them. Ignoring they exist doesn’t help learn how to cope. I know it’s
not quit the same but I can ignore that I have menopausal symptoms or I can
accept that I do and then learn how to deal with them. Ignoring the diagnoses
of peri-menopausel does not take away the symptoms or give me a magic cure.
Thanx for listening to my rant. :)
----------------------
To my followers. I love
you...
I love you because you are
strong
I love you because you are
beautiful
I love you because you are
a fighter
I love you because you are
worth loving
I love
you because I can…
--------------------------
So if one of my followers is not
showing up on my followers or following list and msg’s are no longer in my
inbox, does that mean they deleted their account?
-------------------
September 23, 2013
It’s been
awhile since I’ve done an update on my son. Yesterday marked 3 weeks inpatient.
Was out on 2 day passes over the weekend. They went well. It’s possible he may
be coming home today. I have mixed feeling about this. I want him home. At the
same time I guess I’m afraid of him relapsing. He’s doing better now that some
medication hiccups have been straightened out. He’s on more meds then I would
like but he doesn’t want me addressing this yet. He’s afraid they won’t let him
come home if I say the meds are not right. A normal paranoia I would
think.
We had a
couple of small disagreements over the weekend. He wants me to prove that I’m
on his side and fighting for him. Hard to explain that sometimes parents have
to do what is right not just what their child wants. He was out on passes which
meant he had to return to hospital. Me keeping him overnight was not the answer
as in the long run it would make them keep him longer for not complying with
the rules and they would have sent the police to pick him up. I had to point
out to him that at one point it was suggested to raise his Clozapine and I said
no. I don’t want him on more medications then is necessary.
I will know in the next couple of hours if he is
coming home today or not. He probably is. So ya I’m glad that he is. I have
missed him. Hopefully we can get back on track and keep him from relapsing
anytime soon.
-------------------------
Ok. Deep breathes. My son is being
discharged. Can’t believe how nervous I am.
--------------------------
Got through the first day. Not an easy one. Already
missed 2 doses of meds. Meds that he wanted. Spent a fair amount of time
yesterday trying to hurt me emotionally. Took me awhile to figure out why.
Apparently I wasn’t loving him enough. Translation - I wasn’t giving him $15
for an online game. Once I figured that part out it was a lot easier for me to
not allow him to hurt my feelings. Doesn’t look like today is going to be that
much easier. He has an amazing ability of putting all of his negative actions
and feelings on me. If he’s telling me things to hurt me, even when I don’t
respond, then I’m the one telling him hurtful things. Best thing I can do is
just not say anything. Of course then I’m being rude and ignorant. Oh well.
What can I do. I know that to a certain degree we are starting over again with
recovery and he’s still not stable when it comes to his psychosis. One day at
time….
---------------------------
September 24, 2013
We met
with my counselor and my son’s nurse yesterday and went for coffee. It was a
good meeting. Trying to open up the lines of communication so that my son can
feel more comfortable talking about what he is experiencing. They assured him
that they do want to hear about his schizophrenia from his point of view as
that will help them to have a better understanding.
We had a
conversation about expectations and me being a little lenient. We have agreed
that studying can wait for awhile so that he can have time to recover. We also
agreed that I can expect and he can follow minimal rules like cleaning up after
himself and not slamming doors etc.
I’m looking forward to our appointment with his pdoc
so that we can start weaning him off some of the medications.
-----------------------
September 25, 2013
Things I am grateful for
My son in our kitchen
getting food
My husband at work
supporting us
My family and friends
My computer, the internet
so I can blog how grateful I am.
My home, it’s dry, warm,
cozy, has food and utilities
The sun shinning in my
window brightening up my home
The tea I’m currently
drinking, herbal and good
The cloths I’m wearing that
are clean
My physical health
Even the cigarette that I’m
currently smoking
I am grateful for all the
good that I have and will center on that right now.
Sending love to everyone as
right now that is all that I’m feeling. <3
----------------------------
I deserve
To be happy
To feel and give love
To love myself
To know that I am beautiful
to someone
To
have all the good things I do have
-------------------------
September 26, 2013
Day 5 and doing good. Resolved what I thought was a
delusion from Monday. Won’t go into the details but I brought it out into the
open and made it clear I won’t be manipulated that way. I also watched a video
on youtube about The Secret. The law of attraction. If my own negative feelings
of worry are attracting some of the things in our lives then I will do my best
to be on the positive. Instead of thinking about what I don’t want to be, I’m
thinking about how much I am grateful for and how much I love the people in my
life. My son and I haven’t butted heads since I started watching it. He’s
taking his medications and trying his best to follow the rules. I have been
worrying about him having money again. He received his money yesterday. No
arguments in giving me room and board. Spent some of his own money on shirts
and online gaming. It’s a great start. Being able to talk to my son with love
is wonderful :)
--------------------------
Grateful for
My son playing online
My husband at work
My computer and the
internet
My home and everything in
it
My comfy PJ’s
My coffee
My physical health
My sleeping pill that gave
me a good night sleep
Everything
good in my life ;)
-----------------------
Speak out
It
came across my dashboard yesterday that it was speak out day. To write
something on your wrists to show support and end the stigma around mental
illness. So I wrote speak out on my wrists. Spent the day with family. Only one
person asked me what it was. I found that somewhat odd. If I had worn a new
bracelet it would probably have been commented on. The more I am exposed to
this world the more I have to readjust my idea of what stigma means. No one
seems comfortable enough to speak about it. It’s all around us yet we continue to
want to keep it hush hush. There is no shame in having a mental illness just
like there is no shame in having a physical illness. At the same time I
understand my son’s point of view of not wanting what has happened to him being
talked about in public. We all need to stop treating mental illness like the
elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge.
---------------------
Validation
I’m finding myself taking a
look at me. Why I do some of things that I do. What are my motivations? I have
known for a long time now that being happy is my responsibility. It’s not for
others to make me happy. Yes having people I love in my life makes me happy but
they can not make me happy in my own right no matter what they do or don’t do.
It’s up to me to do that for myself. Today I’ve been taking that thought one
step further. Do I need others to validate my feelings of hurt or any other
feeling that I may have? It doesn’t matter what they say or don’t say. In the
end I feel what I feel. I need to take responsibility for that and either let
it go or let those negative feelings continue to keep me down. I can’t control
other people. I guess acceptance plays a big part. I need to accept that other
people are who they are and have done what they have done. I can’t change that.
I can however try my best to not allow the past to determine my future. Accept
that my feelings have been hurt. Feel that hurt and let it heal. Know that I am
being the best person that I can be and that should be the only validation that
I need. I will do my best to make that thought a reality.
-------------------------
I'm grateful for
The tea I’m drinking
The yummy chips I’m eating
My husband who’s working
today
The clean cloths I just put
away
My comfy track pants
My physical health
My home and everything in
it
My children
-------------------------
I am grateful for...
My children
My husband at work
My family & friends
(including my followers)
My home and everything in
it
The rain that yesterday
caused my husband to be sent home early to spend more time with me
My dirty laundry that I’m
about to do because I have cloths to wear
The dirty dishes I have to
do because we made them dirty with the food we have to eat
Sending love…
-----------------------
Negative self image
I have been blogging and re
blogging items about recovery and having a positive self image. I realized
something the other day. I have been doing this for my followers in hopes that
one of them might make a difference. However I was not actually applying any of
it to myself. I realized that it doesn’t matter if 5, 50, 500, 5000, 5000000000
people tell you how beautiful you are it will only matters if 1 person believes
it. That 1 person is you. If you don’t believe that you deserve to be healthy
and happy then the rest is just band aids. No worries I will continue posting
the band aids for myself and any one else how wants to read them. I have
decided that I need to love and accept me more then I have been. I wear
glasses, have messed up teeth, a belly and stretch marks. I am beautiful to my
husband. These things make me beautiful to him. These things make up the story
of my life like reading to much and having children. They are nothing to be
ashamed of instead they are what makes me me. Some of the things that I do that
make me feel self conscious are some of the very things that my husband finds
so adorable about me.
From
now on when I look in the mirror I will see what my husband sees and I will
smile and think I’m beautiful because I am me.
-------------------------
Some things I do and try to
remember
Try every day to do
something that makes you feel good. For me it’s little things like making my
bed, taking my vitamins, doing my stretches and even brushing my teeth. I love
looking at my made up bed and my teeth love that clean fresh feeling. Dress up
every now and thing for no one but yourself.
I learned in recovery that
most things we find annoying about others is something we ourselves need to
work on.
Self worth, self esteem and
self love all begin with self.
Love trumps hate. Period.
One day at a time, one
minute at a time.
You can’t change other
people if they don’t want to change. You can change how you act or react
towards other people.
Big goals start with little
goals.
Every
day is the first day of the rest of your life. Own it and make it yours.
Sending love <3
-------------------
I haven’t updated on my son lately.
Things are going good. Calm. Which is always a good thing. Studying still on
hold. Some alcohol here and there but certainly not like it was before. He’s
sleeping, eating and following the rules most of the time. One day at time :)
-------------------
Privacy
How do you teach privacy?
My son
is 19 not 9 so you would think he would understand that sometimes I need some.
I try my best to give him his. I knock on his bedroom door and wait for him to
answer before entering. I leave him alone when he’s in the bathroom unless it’s
necessary. We only have one bathroom. Yet when my husband or I are using the
bathroom he has to knock on the door just to see what we are doing or how long
we will be. He can’t understand why I’m getting mad at him for not showing some
patience or respect for other people’s privacy.
---------------------
Teaching responsibility
Never an easy task for
parents. Not any easier when your child is an adult. My son is out of
cigarettes. Mom can I have?. I made it perfectly clear when he decided to spend
his money on online gaming that he needed to budget money for cigarettes for
the month. He said he would quit as he would rather have the game. Do I feel
empathy for him? Yes but it’s about time he started taking responsibility for
the choices that he makes.
--------------------------
October 11, 2013
Positives
My son helped me tidy up
his room today. Started because he accidentally broke his tv of it’s stand and
needed a better spot to put it. Now that it’s in a better spot then maybe he
will watch tv in his room at night instead of falling asleep on the couch. It
made me think that most negatives can be turned into positives if you look at
them differently.
We are going out to Red
Lobster for dinner. A treat from my husband for my son and I having a good
week. My son and I both really like this restaurant. So I made today shower day
for both of us.
I was frustrated a couple
of days ago so tackled cleaning my kitchen. 3 hours off and on… Made my husband
comment that the fridge is so bright he doesn’t need to turn the light on :)
My son wanted me to pay for
a one month subscription to world of warcraft. It’s actually one of the cheaper
ones. We got his laundry done in exchange and he helped me make up his bed
after I washed his bedding.
I sent
my writings that are on my main page about my research and observations to my
son’s previous caregiver as I had hoped it would help her to realize that I do
have an idea about what my son is going through, why I think it and how what
I’m doing should help in the long run. Didn’t get the reaction that I was
hoping for. A negative one actually. But that’s ok because it made me stop and
realize that I need to let go. I don’t need her approval or understanding. He
is my son after all :)
---------------------
What songs mean the most to
you?
3 songs I have always felt
describe how I feel about life.
The Rose by Bette Midler
Every Rose Has It’s Thorn
by Poison
Love
Me by Elvis Presley
---------------------
October 17, 2013
My son is
doing good. Strike that. He’s doing great. We haven’t butted heads in awhile
now. Every day he’s more affectionate. He hugged me the other day for no reason
accept that he hasn’t for while and he loves me. Yesterday he made his own
dinner and a milkshake.
Update on
my previous bathroom/privacy post. The other day he really needed the bathroom
but didn’t knock or interrupt. Actually waited until I came out and commented
“It’s about time…”
Last night
my husband and I went to a group meeting that had been cancelled that day. I
didn’t check my email. Turned out we were the only people to showed up so we
had some one on one time with my counselor and a lady from the Schizophrenia
Society of Ontario. I emailed her my writings this morning so hopefully it will
help someone else in my situation.
My husband
is on his way home with a Timmies coffee for us. Listening to my son talking
online with his friend. Currently their friendship is not based on alcohol or
weed but online gaming.
Feeling blessed!
---------------------------
October 23, 2013
My writing
I just printed chapter 11
of my writings.
My son: What are you
printing?
Me: My book
My son: What’s it about?
Me: Us. I thought you knew
that.
My son: Oh ya. Is it called
hell? *laughs*
Me: No. No matter what is
going on you will always be a source of happiness to me.
My son: Cool.
Now if I could just get
tumblr to display it…
---------------------
My Daughter
I don’t talk about her on
here. I should be. Even though she is not currently with me she is still an
important part of my life and always in my heart. We don’t talk that much.
Message each other on Facebook and the odd text message. I need to put in some
more of my time on this.
So yes I have two children
:)
My daughter is a beautiful
young lady who has come a long way in the last year or so. She’s had her own
hurdles to overcome. She has gone from skipping school most of the time to
rarely. Currently in her longest relationship. She made it through the punk
stage and no longer has a green mohawk. Although I have to admit she looked
very cute with it.
Her dad and I almost lost
her twice. Once when she was born. As she says her umbilical cord tried to
strangle her. She had to have back surgery for scoliosis. Her spin was almost
literally an S. Shortly after surgery she stopped breathing for a what seemed
like a very long time but she came back to us.
She has been a constant
inspiration to me. I have learned so much from her and her willingness to stand
up for who she is. She is a loyal friend.
Currently she is looking
into what college she would like to go to. For a while I wondered if she would
make it through high school. I am very proud of her!
------------------------------
August (October) 24, 2013
My
daughter had her graduation cruise last night. I just looked at the pictures on
Facebook. My little girl is certainly turning into a beautiful young lady. She
text’ed me that she wished I was there. Me too. She had a great time!
We have been experiencing what I’m calling some hiccups
regarding my son. He was doing great. Small hiccup just over two weeks ago
where he missed some medications and drank. Then things got back on track
again. He was progressing so well for about a week and a half. On the 18th I told
him how well I thought he was doing. The next day missed medications and
alcohol. Attitude, swearing and slamming doors. So for the past 4 days it’s
been unnerving. On some things he is still maintaining. I guess he’s back to
taking his Gabapentin as the negative attitude is gone but my gut is telling me
that he’s not taking enough anti-psychotics to keep the positive symptoms at
bay. A couple of times I have heard him laugh out loud over his own thoughts.
Yesterday he looked high and thought I was talking when I wasn’t. This happened
twice. Voices? He said he was just tired and not thinking right. Yes he’s tired
as he hasn’t been sleeping right again. I know when he’s taking his medications
properly he needs 8-10 hours sleep. Last night he was still up at 10:30 and
awake this morning at 4:45. Claiming he had just woke up but I know my son when
just waking up and that is not what I was seeing this morning. He’s been
hitting the walls and clapping again. All signs to me that he is perhaps
testing his connection with physical. I’m pretty sure he didn’t take his
anti-psychotics again this morning after I gave them to him. I could hear him
stashing them. Earlier he was just sitting looking at his computer screen,
thinking. These are all red flags for me. Just one red flag I can overlook but
put them all together and it’s not good.
----------------------------
August (October)
25, 2013
Yesterday managed to turn itself around and end on a good
note. I hurt his feelings when I asked him how much of his anti-psychotics he
was missing because of a conversation we were having. I apologized later and
just let him know that I’m sorry if I hurt his feelings that I’m worried. No
matter how old he gets I will always be his mother and will always worry. He
missed two sets of medications so I added the anti-psychotics to his night time
ones as I’ve been informed by his pdoc that I can do this. He saw them and toke
them all last night in front of me. With no prompting from me. He went to bed
early, got 8 1/2 hours sleep and up early this morning in a good mood. He even
spent some time looking through the newspaper this morning. Asked for my help
to teach him how to make normal black tea for himself. Usually we drink herbal
and it’s just adding water. He just took his morning medications from me. I
asked him if he wanted to make a change in how he is taking some of them to
make it easier and no he wants to take them as prescribed.
For the fourth morning in a row I’ve been up early. My
own insomnia has been acting up so I’ve been getting up before my husband does
at 5. Probably a nice change for him to have coffee made for him when he gets
up. He apologized this morning as I had taken a sleeping pill last night and
got woken up by his alarm as he wasn’t in bed to turn it off. Told him I would
probably blog about it :)
-----------------------------------
Things I am
grateful for...
My beautiful amazing daughter
My husband at work
My son just for being here
The coffee I’m drinking
Everything that I have
Feeling blessed
----------------------------
Mom can you put on the heater?
Heater? You mean kettle?
Sometimes the words don’t come out right but the logic is
sound. A kettle does heat up water.
---------------------------
August (October)
29, 2013
We got an electric fireplace on Saturday. I decided that
since we are probably going to be here for another year then I wanted to enjoy
looking at a fire this winter while cuddling with my hubby. We are all very
happy with it. I think my son is currently getting more enjoyment from it then
I am. He figured out the remote for it and showed us how to use it.
Was a quiet weekend of watching tv and relaxing.
I’m pretty sure my is experimenting with his medications
so small showing of positive symptoms but nothing to drastic. For a couple of
days there was a little paranoia, messes in the living room, less sleep and he
was a little short tempered. He got a good night sleep last night, about 11
hours, so today is in a good mood. Got in some money, paid me back most of what
he owed me and is now biking, by himself, to buy a new gaming mouse. I’m
guessing he took all of his medications last night and so far has been taking
them today. His nurse was here for his weekly visit and that went well. When he
asked about my son’s school work I told him that I’m holding off for now. Soon
I will look at pushing this but for right now I’m happy with the progress that
he is making.
My son needs to get his blood work done today and
hopefully do a load of laundry if I’m lucky. I’m going to try making a new
recipe for dinner so hopefully that will work out. I have to contact my
daughter today. Meant to yesterday… Just want her to know she’s in my thoughts.
----------------------------------
August (October) 30, 2013
I called to lodge a noise complaint against my downstairs
neighbors. My floor was vibrating at 9:30 am from her music yet again. Of
course the police show up 5 minutes after she turns it off. Told them they have
great timing :) I didn’t warn my son that I had called them so when they showed
up it freaked him out a little bit. He for a second thought I called them for
him. Oops. I will have to make sure I give him an heads up next time.
Forgot to contact my daughter yesterday. This 3 hours
time difference in where we live can be a pain. Just text’ed her to have a good
day in school and that I love her.
-------------------------
August (October) 31, 2013
18 years ago today my baby girl was born.
Happy Birthday! Love you! xoxo
----------------------------
November 5, 2013
I hope everyone had an awesome Halloween!
Called my daughter this morning to make sure she was up
for school. She had a spare for first period. Oops…
Waiting to hear from one of my sisters as we are supposed
to have some sister time today with the three of us. Looking forward to it.
My son is doing good. I’ve noticed lately that he is just
calling me mom instead of mother or my name.
I think I have made the decision to go back to school. I
was dreaming about it the other night and at about 3 am thought this is what I
need to do. My goal is to get through the winter due to finances then in the
spring look at studying to be a social worker. I can do this!
What I’m grateful for… Everything!
----------------------------
November 6, 2013 Peaceful
Yesterday evening my son and I had a short but
interesting conversation. He talked to me about how his mind is a lot more
silent then it used to be. I guess he used to be afraid of that silence. I
think I can understand this as for me I know how loud the silence can be. If
that makes sense. Now he’s not afraid of it. Because his thoughts are not
racing all the time he can pay attention to the sounds of the physical world.
Simple things like the ticking of a clock. I have never thought about how hard
it would be to have my own thoughts constantly getting in the way. I can
understand to a certain degree because of my own racing thoughts when I try to
go to sleep but I don’t have to deal with it 24/7. I asked him how he felt
about this new experience and he finds it peaceful. I don’t know if mere words
can describe how insightful that one word can be. To think that my son is
probably for the first time in a long time able to experience peace with
himself and with the outside world. He is happy with where his life is right
now. It was a teary eyed moment for me. He can feel himself maturing and
growing up. I notice it too. He commented about writing a book on growing up
that maybe it could help others. I told him that I think that is a great idea
and that if he wanted to we could make it a part of the book that I want to
have published one day or he could keep it separate that is up to him. He
seemed to like the idea of including it with mine. It would be an honor to
share this experience with him one day.
-------------------------------
November 8, 2013 Yes, No and Maybe
I’ve recently experienced a little deja vu. When our
children ask us for things they either get a yes, a no or a maybe… I’ll think
about it… My daughter used to respond to my maybes with that means yes. Hard to
disagree when usually she was right. If I wasn’t outright saying no then
chances are that eventually my answer would be yes. Yesterday when my son asked
for a Nintendo 3DS and I said I would think about it. He replied, so that means
yes? I guess it does. I think as a parent our goal is to make our children
understand that we don’t want to say no. We love you and want to get these
things for you but at the same time we want you to understand how easily our
answer could have been no. We want to teach responsibility and that we can’t
always have what we want when we want it. So we are left struggling with our
own battle of wanting to say yes but thinking we should probably have said no.
Later on my husband and I discussed it and I told him that it’s hard for me to
tell my son no on this. It would be different if he was being negative and had
the attitude of a couple of months ago where he thought he deserved whatever he
wanted, now. He would probably have accepted me saying no. My husband agreed
that my son is doing very well right now and if I think he deserves it then let
him get it. Needless to say this morning we got it. I guess my biggest concern
is not wanting to start a trend where I’m teaching my son that if he does good
then material things follow.
So the next time your parents say maybe… Try to remember
they have their own struggles on wanting to show you love but also wanting to
help you grow up and be responsible. They don’t always get what they want when
they want it either.
--------------------------
anonymous asked:
Guten Tag. I'm here to let you know that I really like
your blog. Now, I'm quite a lot younger than you- younger than your son even,
but often times when I read your "about me" page I find little
relations to my own life in there and it's rather comforting. I wish you; your
family; and anyone else you may have an affinity for a great deal of happiness
and safety. Much love from a fellow Tumblr user. ~The Kind Stranger
Guten Tag to you too. Thank you for liking and reading my
blog. Sometimes I wonder if anyone reads my pages so thank you for confirming
that they do get read. Sending much love back at you. Love is something we have
in abundance in this world and that we will never run out of as long as we keep
it alive. <3
--------------------------------------
Keeping my cool but I’m pissed. On August (October) 30 I
called the police to lodge a noise complaint about my downstairs neighbor. That
day she interfered with my washing twice by opening the lid and leaving it
open. My son caught her trying to do it a third time. Today the same thing is
happening with the dryer except this time I have lost my money as the timer
kept going. I really wish I could understand what makes some people be so petty
and immature. I can’t imagine spending my time watching other people just so
that I could pull pranks like that. Part of me feels sorry for her that she
doesn’t have anything better to do with her life but still… and the landlord is
afraid of her… Oh well. Filled out an incident report which is all I can do.
------------------------------------------
November 11, 2013
I have recently learned how to use my queue as I’m sure
some of you have noticed. There are some posts that I see or post myself that I
find I don’t want them lost in the shuffle. Their message is to important to
me. So daily I am trying to keep them in my queue. I hope you guys don’t mind
the constant re-blogging of them?
My son is experiencing a little hiccup. He got high the
other day and I wish he could see what I see. Distracted, not sleeping the
same, not eating the same, making messes, lying to me, being secretive and
being forgetful with his medications. Especially when using pot the medications
become even more important to stop his psychosis from being triggered. Without
them he can quickly decompress and land himself in the hospital. Taking care of
his psychical body becomes less important. He was just starting to feel peace
within his own mind. I really hope that he can see for himself that the
consequences of this is not worth it.
-----------------------------
A form of bullying
I blogged recently about my downstairs neighbor
interfering with my laundry. Saturday I had to call the police and lodge a noise
complaint because her music had items in my living room vibrating. This has
been going on for 4 years. No one calls the police on her. I did once 3 years
ago and had to call them back because she was shouting really derogatory things
out her window directed at not only me but my then 14 year old daughter. For 3
years I have basically not done anything about it because this is what happens
when I do call the police. 3 years is enough. Saturday started it up all over
again. I thought why am I being so lenient about this when she has no respect
or concern for others. She’s interfering with my laundry anyways. Why be
intimated by her. Well I had to call the police back yet again as this time she
decided to target my son. Again really derogatory remarks centered around
incest with my mentally retarded son. They came and talked to her and she
admitted to what she said. They told her that if she kept it up she could be
charged with harassment. Told me I could call anonymously to complain. Why
would I bother. Apparently I’ve been the only one with the guts to call the
police on her in 4 years so she would know it’s me anyways. Well since Saturday
I have not heard so much as a peep from her unit. *crosses fingers*
I guess I’m saying don’t be afraid to stand up for
yourself. That doesn’t mean stooping to their level. I have never spoken to her
or responded to her rantings. I refuse to act like that. Call the police. Call
an adult. Call whoever you need to but not doing anything will not make it go
away as I have recently been finding out. She is a bully. Even the landlord is
afraid of her which I think is ridiculous. So even adults deal with bullies.
Stay strong. <3
-------------------------------------
November 19, 2013
Put up my Christmas decorations yesterday. I usually wait
until December but this year I decided why wait? I’m glad I did. This time of
year is about celebrating love and birth and yes Santa Clause. I’m so thankful
for what I have. My kids are doing better then they have in years. My husband
and I are doing great. Money… well it comes and goes but I have home and family
to love so it’s all good.
Another little hiccup in my son’s life. A bottle of wine.
I think perhaps the Gabapentin is causing the alcohol that he does drink to be
amplified so that also means the re-emergence of positive symptoms also seem to
get amplified. Nothing serious. A little bit of attitude last night when I had
to remind him of the rules. Chewing tobacco is not allowed in the living room.
I would prefer it not be in my home at all so it has to stay in his room.
Spent some time googling my names and reclaiming some old
profiles. Joined twitter as I wanted to know what that was all about.
Watched the movie Bedlam from 1946 and now watching
season one of the tv series. My son opted out of watching it with us which I’m
glad of.
One of hamsters, Saltie, died the other day. Salt and
Pepper were born March 2012 so they are getting up there. Hope Saltie is having
fun in hammy heaven.
That’s it for now…
--------------------------------
November 27, 2013
Oppositional Defiant Disorder?…
So my son has been having what I have starting calling
little hiccups when it comes to smoking marijuana and taking his medications on
time for the last week. I try not to nag but don’t always succeed. So today on
the third time asking him if he took them I get “I don’t need them you know.”
So I said “ok” and walked away. “I love you.” he says. “I love you too.” I
replied. A couple of minutes later he takes them… I said “Thank you.”
So I’m just sitting here thinking… Go figure…
------------------------------
November 28, 2013 Insight
*knock on wood* Just in case… I don’t want to jinx it…
I think my son may be gaining some insight. Sometimes it
is a benefit to me to not speak during his appointments with his nurse and
psychiatrist. It gives me a chance to hear what he has been thinking when he
talks to them. During his last two appointments he has talked about how he can
see now that his schizophrenia may be linked to his marijuana use. That his
last hospitalization was probably because of it.
---------------------------
November 29, 2013 Dropping the ball...
I started thinking last night about my son’s birthday
which isn’t until January and what I would like to get him. I’ve been thinking
about doing simple things with him this winter like building a snowman when it
snows enough. I have most of my Christmas shopping done and my husband
commented yesterday how I was going all out this year as I have tried to make
cute little stockings for some of his grandchildren and trying to think up gift
ideas for his adult children as I don’t want anyone feeling left out. My
Christmas decoration where up a couple of weeks ago. My village is gaining more
people. I have been getting a package ready to send almost across country to my
daughter. All these are good things.
It struck me this morning how in the past I have dropped
the ball so to speak. I didn’t have the time to spend with my daughter doing
the simple things like building a snowman. Also I wasn’t in the right frame of
mind to make these things important. Working more then full time it was
sometimes a struggle just to try and get supper made before 7 pm.
I am so thankful that at least for right now I have the
time to make these things a priority. To do my best to fill my life with the
little things that make me happy.
-------------------------------
December 1, 2013 ODD?
How to nicely ask him to take his medications when his
ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder), what I have started calling it, is acting
up. Not easy when it’s obvious to me that the he resists for no apparent reason
then the fact that I am repeatedly asking. It’s a bit of a catch 22. I’m
repeatedly asking because he’s not taking them. His reactions say that his
anxiety or mood is not good yet the resistance of saying they are not needed
because his anxiety isn’t acting up… contradicts for me what is obvious. I had
to remind him that his pdoc isn’t going to trust him with a benzo if he can’t
trust him to take current medications as prescribed. Why is his ODD acting up…
Well a couple of nights of getting drunk and I’m pretty sure some marijuana use
since I found a pipe packaging that he tried to say was from a long time ago. I
wonder sometimes if I really do have stupid written on my forehead. I have already
warned him that I will be looking for it as we are in agreement that he will
lie to me when it comes to marijuana and it’s not allowed in my home.
Teaching responsibility with money is getting easier but
we still have such a long ways to go. He has pretty much spent this months
money and he still hasn’t bought his cigarettes for the month. That means he is
counting on me to do it for him. That’s ok mom I will pay you back. He still
owes me $100 from last month. From my point of view it’s mom please keep giving
into me while I resist you trying to keep me healthy and out of hospital. Sorry
I think I’m venting a little bit as it isn’t that bad. But it feels like it
sometimes.
Good note: He did take them after I walked away.
-------------------------
Trust
As time goes by I find it easier to reconcile what I do
trust and what I don’t trust. I know it can seem like I don’t trust my son.
Especially from his point of view. At least he seems to understand that I am
being motivated by love and fear for his mental well being.
I do not trust schizophrenia and I do not trust
addiction. From my own experience I know that addiction can not be trusted. It
does what it needs to survive. It takes away hope and makes your world so small
that the only thing that matters is it getting what it needs. The only way you
can feel good or ok is if you are self medicated. Be it drugs, alcohol or some
other form of addiction. Schizophrenia is not so different when it comes to how
small your world can become. How can I trust a phenomenon that causes the brain
to not regulate itself or be able to cope with the data that it is perceiving?
I can’t.
So when I question my son or watch him closely it is
schizophrenia and addiction that I am stalking with a mother’s love. <3
---------------------------
December 2, 2013 The Heart Vs. The Brain
I’ve been having this little discussion with myself. I
seem to talk to myself quit a bit. And I worry about my son’s voices…
Anyways. One of the rules is no chewing tobacco in the
living room. Not a new rule. Several times I see the container or spit bottle
in the living room and remind my son of the rule, as I did last night. Several
times I have gotten “I only thought that applied when you were up and that you
didn’t want to see it.” No that rule applies 24/7. It’s a rule. So this morning
upon seeing a spit bottle in my living room yet again, I found the chewing
tobacco and put it away. That’s the consequence to breaking that rule. The
offending product gets thrown out. My bad as I didn’t actually throw it out but
put it away. So when my son comes to me asking for it that he didn’t actually
use it in the living room. He changed his mind after I told him to put it away
and again the I thought this only applied when you were awake… So how do I
ensure this won’t happen again? I will try harder next time…
So my heart gave in… Next time I will have to make sure
that I actually follow through and throw it out, then and there, so that I
don’t have to listen to my brain telling me I was a push over yet again.
---------------------
December 6, 2013 Up & Down
My own anger is a little up & down right now. Trying
to let it go…
Yesterday afternoon my son’s friend comes in a little
drunk and starts telling me that I should not be giving my son his night time
medications because look what it’s doing to him, making him nap more. The
reality is that it’s not taking certain medications and drinking and using
marijuana that is making my son nap during the day. When I pointed this out I
got told that it’s ok to drink 3 beer a day and that nicotine is more harmful
to him that smoking marijuana a couple of times a day. My reply was to go to AA
and see if they say it’s ok to drink everyday and that I have been through drug
rehab and one joint is equivalent to one pack of cigarettes for the harmful
chemicals it can deposit in your lungs.
I find out this morning that he is ticked at me for
telling him to go to AA. I asked if that was all he remembered of the
conversation because I recall it a little differently. I made it clear that if
this happens again he will not be welcome in my home. I am the one here every
day helping my son and I will be the one there everyday if he gets admitted to
the hospital again and I don’t appreciate him coming into my home and telling
me how to deal with my son’s medications. As much as I want my son to have a
friend he now has access to alcohol and marijuana much more frequently because
of this friend. Really if you don’t want my opinion don’t come into my home and
start something you can’t handle.
The upside of today is that my son put away his laundry
and helped me make his bed with only a little coaching from me. I also got told
on a forum that I’m on that my posts are very helpful. That made me happy.
-------------------
December 9, 2013
So my son has talked me into a 20+ minute walk each way
when it’s -3 to get him an early Christmas present. A wind up
radio/charger/light etc. So hard to say no when he’s being all cute about it.
The walk will do us good. It could come in handy if there is no power. He has
wanted one since he was a kid. He will still love Christmas day. Yup I’ve lost
this one lol
Found more pills. Although he has been taking them lately
so they are from about 2 weeks ago. Just reminded him to not hid them from me.
He likes to be ninja about it. Have to appreciate his humor in knowing that
he’s not so ninja since I do find them.
------------------------------
December 11, 2013 It's the little things
Sometimes those little things aren’t so little.
Especially when it comes to trying to teach responsibility and consequences. In
the past whenever I have given my son money for outings with his friend that
money has ended up going exactly where I tell him it is not supposed to go, on
alcohol. It had been awhile so about a week ago I was asked for money so he
could go with his friend to get something to eat. I didn’t get change back
because it went towards alcohol, again, after making it clear to both of them
that I would be upset if this happened. So today my son has gone shopping with
his friend and I got asked for some money for the food court. I said no. I must
say I was impressed with how my son handled being told no. I reminded him of
the last time and he accepted my reason for saying no. It is time not only for
my son but for his friend to realize that I can only let things go so far. I am
also taking back some of the control over my son’s cigarettes as they are being
given to his friend a little to regularly. Since I am the one making sure my
son has cigarettes for the month I don’t need to be supporting his friends
habit too. Same with other items like sugar, coffee and even munchies that his
friend comes to my door asking for. If he can ask my son to walk to the beer
store with him and carry home his beer then he can ask my son to walk to the
grocery store with him for essentials.
-----------------------------
December 14, 2013 Oh the weather outside...
is frightful. But the fire is so delightful. And since
there is no place to go. Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!
Seems to fit since I’m at home thinking about making a
big cup of herbal tea, curling up on the sofa with maybe Patrick Swayze in
Dirty Dancing and turning on my electric fire place while I watch the pretty
snow fall.
My hubby is probably just thinking it’s frightful… since
he is currently out getting ready to snow plow which is his second job. I will
send him good thoughts as I think about how grateful I am for the things that I
have.
-------------------------------
December 16, 2013 Progress?
I think we are making some pretty good progress.
Sometimes I go with my gut and when the opportunity
presents itself I try to take it. So today when my son’s nurse was here I took
the chance on speaking up and asking him to explain what is happening with
respect to the over stimulation of neurotransmitters in the brain. Too much
dopamine and seratonin can lead to hallucinations for one thing. Medications
are not to change my son and/or his beliefs. Medications can’t do that. Instead
the goal is to help regulate some functions in the brain. To slow down or
inhibit the re-uptake of these. Just as someone with diabetes may need
medications to help with their sugar levels or I use tinctures to help with
menopausal symptoms. They are not changing who I am. My beliefs and
spirituality are unchanged however my body is functioning at a better level.
So I’m hopeful that this conversation helped my son to
understand better what the medications are for. Until now I don’t know if
anyone really tried to explain to him what is happening in the brain with these
neurotransmitters. That it is not his character that we are working on. My goal
is not to fix him because he does not need fixing. His spirituality and beliefs
are what make him beautiful and unique. Controlling the amount of dopamine and
seratonin that is produced so that he can reach his own goals is our
goal.
I’m also pleased to say that he seems to be gaining huge
insight into the negative consequences of using to much marijuana. *happy
dance*
-----------------------------
December 17, 2013 Be nice...
Have you seen Road House with Patrick Swayze?
Remember the scene where Dalton is explaining the three
simple rules of bouncing?
Dalton: All you have to do is follow three simple rules.
One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it
outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary.
And three, be nice.
And if somebody gets in your face and calls you a ______,
I want you to be nice. Ask him to walk. Be nice. If he won’t walk, walk him.
But be nice. If you can’t walk him, one of the others will help you, and you’ll
both be nice. I want you to remember that it’s a job. It’s nothing personal.
This scene came to my mind today when I was thinking
about how nice I was being while constantly reminding my son to clean up his
mess in the living room. I was nice… He finally picked up his mess.
------------------------
December 18, 2013 Letting my guard down...
I really do know better but sometimes I allow myself to
get wooed into a place of complacency. Meaning I have let my guard down and the
results of that are never good.
The result this time was me turning around to see my son
drinking a beer in the living room at 10:30 am. Where did I go wrong? For one
allowing it in my home in the first place. My husband and I have not touched
alcohol in about 4 months. I do not want to force my son to not drink, period,
however if I allow the boundaries to slip just a little bit then he pushes them
to far. I told him yesterday when he decided to go to the beer store that I
didn’t want it in my home. He stated he would keep it at his friends. Of course
he can’t do that because his friend will drink it on him. So last night in
comes the beer. This morning some goes in my fridge. I allowed it… My bad…
because now I get told that he didn’t know I was so against it. If you want to
know the difference between anosognosia and denial I would say this is a good
example. Choosing to ignore the facts is denial. He is well aware of my
feelings on alcohol. He is making the choice to ignore them because they do not
serve him and what he wants to do.
So I will reinforce the boundaries. From now on our home
is alcohol free. Period. Once his friend gets home he can take it over there.
Not my responsibility or even my concern if his friends drinks it all. On top
of that he is now refusing his morning medications because he is
drinking.
On Guard!
--------------------------
January 10, 2014 Liar, liar...
pants on fire… Remember saying that as kids when you knew
the other person was telling a lie?
I’m keeping my cool but it’s hard to deal with my own
frustrations when my son insists on lying to me about having alcohol in the
home when I have made it very clear that it is not allowed. Period. So I’m a
bit frustrated at the moment. Last night it was an obvious lie that he walked
to Tim Horton’s and got timbits (mini donuts) that he ate while he was there.
Two obvious lies because one he doesn’t walk that far for anything except
alcohol and two he never eats that many timbits at one time. Then he wanted me
to give him money to pay for an online subscription because he didn’t have
enough. When I asked for proof that the money did go on timbits he admitted
that it went on alcohol but that he didn’t have it in the home. Again another
obvious lie because he won’t keep it at his friends because his friend will
drink it and if it was there my son wouldn’t have been able to stay away from
it for very long and didn’t go visit which means it was in my home. On top of
that he was awake very early this morning which is a good indication of certain
things happening like alcohol and not taking his medications properly. This
morning I let him know that I was going to search his room and he offered up
what was left of the alcohol. Smiling at me while he does it… Why am I upset?
Hmm…. I don’t like being lied too.
------------------------------
January 17, 2014 Big Steps
My son took a big step yesterday. Well, he was nicely
pushed into it but still he is willing to try and for that I am so proud of
him. He has been a part of early intervention programs for the past three years
and usually that is the time frame for early intervention program. They help
you for three years. He is hesitant to go into the next program as he is
comfortable with and likes his current support workers. It is sad for me too as
I will also lose my support worker and it also means a new psychiatrist. But
this next program has a lot more support. Workers that can actually pick him up
and take him to appointments. Meet with him several times a week if needed. It
is also security for me that if something happens to me then right away there
are people that can step in and help day to day so that his stability is not
put into jeopardy. Soon things may get stressful for him as I will be pushing for
him to start getting his high school equivalent. I have tried being teacher in
the past and I don’t want that stress between us again when we are doing so
good. I just want to be mom. As much as he doesn’t feel that he will continue
to need such support within the next 3-6 months he gracefully gave in and
agreed to give PACT (The program) a try for a month. I agreed that during that
time I will not push schooling to give him a chance to get to know them before
things get stressful again. We both have some changing to do and a world to
become a part of. I need to get back to work as well. So as great as things are
right now I will do my best to ensure that 6 months from now we have progressed
into something even better. I told him to take advantage of the help that is
being offered because most of us have to do these things on our own with very
little support. When I start looking for a new job it will be scary for me too.
New company, new people and I will have to do it on my own. He will have
someone help him every step of the way. He should never have to switch programs
again so if he needs them 3 months or even 3 or 6 years down the road they will
be there.
The last couple of days have been a little stressful for
my son. His best friend who lives across the hall, the one I’ve began to look
at as a crutch instead of a positive, does not seem to be doing too good. He
also has a MI and drinks and smokes pot. Well two days ago while under the
influence he decided to physically go at my son. Hit him a bunch of times, once
in the face, so my son hit him back, once, to stop him. Well the friend got
hurt and called the paramedics. Now he is trying to say that he was only play
fighting and that my son should not have hurt him. This is not the first time
that this friend has tried to be macho with my son and got hurt in the process.
He didn’t come at my son in a playful matter. My son felt assaulted. So now he
is guilt tripping my son. All I can do is tell my son to try and stay away from
him and the next time this friend is at my door and I already warned my son
that I will be doing this. I will be making it clear to him that if he can’t
handle it then don’t start it. You can’t go around hitting people and expect
them to not react or defend themselves.
On another good note. I got a message today from someone
thanking me and letting me know that they get comfort from my posts. Messages
like this make it even more worth it. It’s like icing on the cake. I’m so
grateful that my journey with my son can help others to not feel so alone.
