First I would like to talk about #BellLetsTalk day that was on January 28. I feel so privileged and proud to have been a part of this by joining in on Twitter and Facebook.
This year with over 120 million interactions Bell is donating over $6 million to mental health initiatives! Since 2010 they have donated over $67 million! Go Canada Eh!
Bell Let's Talk
There was a couple of articles criticizing the hashtag (#) and certain peoples involvement. Statements implying that a hashtag isn't going too.... Maybe those criticizing don't have a loved one suffering from a mental illness? Every tweet, every share, every conversation that may have been started that could pave the way to someone reaching out to get help... Honestly I'm not even remotely savvy today's lingo and I had to explain to my hubby what a hashtag was ;). BUT on January 28 I can tell you that #BellLetsTalk meant the world to me.
Also that night I watched Clara's Big Ride on CTV. Clara Hughes biked across Canada to raise mental health awareness. I cried watching it. I sat there thinking why am I being so emotional? Because it was so close to home and my heart what she was/is trying to accomplish. What Bell is trying to accomplish. My son said to me: Can we turn this off? He doesn't like to watch these types of programs and usually asks me to turn them off or leaves the room. My reply was: Hun I don't know if you are aware of who Clara Hughes is but she rode across Canada on her bicycle for mental health awareness so that people can feel more comfortable talking about it and getting help. She did this for you. He said: Oh. He didn't really watch it but he didn't leave the room either...
Since I'm basking in Canadian pride right now :) This is a mental health awareness video filmed in Newfoundland & Labrador where I grew up. You are not alone
Yesterday my older sister took me and my son to a vapor shop. My son goes through phases of wanting to vape (to inhale vapor from a E-cigarette or vaporizer). It wasn't the best day to go as the weather was iffy, calling for a lot of snow causing my sister to be uneasy about getting back home quickly.
My son however cannot be rushed on pretty much anything right now and certainly not regarding something that he has a passion for. We didn't stay nearly as long as he would have liked. Sadly he ended up getting an E-liquid that he is not all that happy with. I think hubby and I well end up taking him back there this weekend so that he can spend some time enjoying the experience and picking out an E-liquid that he will hopefully like after we leave ;)
My son is still recovering from his last break which was only three months ago. I know that he doesn't look sick. He doesn't look like a part of him is broken but his brain was broken in October and like any break it takes time to heal. Earlier in the week he asked how to use his debit visa bank card as a visa as he couldn't remember how. He used to use it as a visa all the time.
I watched this video this morning: NAMI PBC 2014 Annual Luncheon with Randye Kaye
I plan on getting a copy of her book: Ben Behind His Voices
I didn't get my son to do his cleaning chore today. There was a possibility that perspective tenants would be coming by to see the apartment today so I cleaned the whole bathroom ;)
He did ask for help making a sandwich the other day and I said no but I would help him and I told him what he needed to do in steps. He did it! I joked with him on taking a picture of him doing it. He may not pick up after himself right away however I'm finding that IF I don't do it then he does eventually do it himself at least with food stuff and garbage. Every now and than I'm taking handfuls of items like notebooks and technology back into his room. He still needs to do his laundry. I keep reminding him but so far no luck. He is playing games on his computer today though! And he has been watching shows on his tablet.
He has been sleeping good. Really good actually. Sometimes he goes to bed when hubby and I go to bed which is anytime after 8 PM as we watch TV in bed. He has been sleeping most of the night through and getting about 12-13 hours. I'm guessing/hoping that his brain is healing and that is why so much sleep because he is not on high doses of medications that would usually cause this.
Last night he actually took an Olanzapine as he asked where his Trazodone was and I suggested the Olanzapine might work better. The other night I had him help me fill up his pill case and I took out the Trazodone since he wasn't taking them. Now his pill case is on the back of his bed and he has remembered on his own to take them the last two nights.
Time for me to go and start making dinner. Spaghetti tonight!
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Support & Facebook Page
Yesterday hubby and I did go for dinner together. I'm glad that we did. Sometimes it feels really good to get out and spend some one on one time with my hubby that isn't centered around grocery shopping, doctor's appointments or errands. Around 7 PM my son asks: Are you making dinner? No...
His case worker was here today and discussed with him what support meant. Asked him when the last time was that he went grocery shopping by himself? Never. Does he know how to grocery shop or what to look for? He knows what he likes to eat. Does he have any bills that he pays? No. Does he cook meals? No. Does he know how to use public transit? Yes (if there is drugs or alcohol involved lol). Does he do his own laundry? Yes (still not done from two weeks ago). Does he shower regularly? When it gets bad enough (when I insist). Does he know what medications he is taking or prescribed? Yes Invega (and Olanzapine). Does he know the doses? No. Does he take them on his own? Yes (I remind him sometimes/usually).
His case worker had him call and leave a message with the lady from housing support stating that he now understands what support means and that he is willing to accept it. I stayed out of the conversation as much as I could so that I didn't trigger any defiance in him. :)
Yesterday I was informed that his psychiatrist had discontinued his Trazodone prescription. Today I asked his case worker why because even though me may not take it often, sometimes it is needed and it's a PRN anyways... Apparently his nurse had advised his psychiatrist that he wasn't taking it so that is why. Good logic! If he stops taking his Invega would they stop prescribing that too?! Geesh! His case worker said she would let them know that he does take it sometimes.
You may want to hold onto something... My son just did the dishes! I think I'm smiling like an idiot, on the inside anyways. As much as I would like to make a big deal of this I know that it's not a good idea. Sometimes it can be taken as belittling or condescending and with my son it usually gives him the ok to not do anything else... I did say a very nice thank you! Think I'm going to go outside for a cigarette so I can smile like an idiot for a minute! Be right back...
Remember the calendars that I said I was going to print yesterday? Well I printed some for this month and next month. I noted what days he is supposed to cook, do dishes and clean the toilet. Today is the day for dishes. Of course he isn't looking at them on his own. Baby steps right? I pointed out to him that today is dishes day. No movement to do them... A little while later I reminded him again. He asked what was for dinner and if it could be the salmon I took out yesterday. I did buy it because he said he likes salmon. I told him we were having salmon but I wasn't going to start dinner until he did the dishes and that it would be better for him to do them before I made more dirty. If he didn't do the dishes then I wouldn't cook dinner and I would go out instead. He said this wasn't fair. I asked if he had any money? No. When he does then we will discuss fair.
Shortly after he got up to do the dishes asking for help as he had no idea how. I helped him get started and he did them! Soap suds galore! :) I'm also making honey roasted carrots for dinner since he really likes them too! Wish me luck on the salmon as I think this is my first attempt at making it.
I decided to start a Facebook page. I sometimes feel like I may be over posting mental health posts on my normal news feed. I started one before but I never gave it much of a chance. With this page I can post to my hearts content! Also I can't post news articles etc here so I feel like I'm missing out on passing on information that someone may find useful.
If you are interested then this is the page: Facebook Page: Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey
I was thinking about reminding my son, again, about his laundry but I think I will leave that until tomorrow. He is playing games etc today for the first time in probably over a week.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
His case worker was here today and discussed with him what support meant. Asked him when the last time was that he went grocery shopping by himself? Never. Does he know how to grocery shop or what to look for? He knows what he likes to eat. Does he have any bills that he pays? No. Does he cook meals? No. Does he know how to use public transit? Yes (if there is drugs or alcohol involved lol). Does he do his own laundry? Yes (still not done from two weeks ago). Does he shower regularly? When it gets bad enough (when I insist). Does he know what medications he is taking or prescribed? Yes Invega (and Olanzapine). Does he know the doses? No. Does he take them on his own? Yes (I remind him sometimes/usually).
His case worker had him call and leave a message with the lady from housing support stating that he now understands what support means and that he is willing to accept it. I stayed out of the conversation as much as I could so that I didn't trigger any defiance in him. :)
Yesterday I was informed that his psychiatrist had discontinued his Trazodone prescription. Today I asked his case worker why because even though me may not take it often, sometimes it is needed and it's a PRN anyways... Apparently his nurse had advised his psychiatrist that he wasn't taking it so that is why. Good logic! If he stops taking his Invega would they stop prescribing that too?! Geesh! His case worker said she would let them know that he does take it sometimes.
You may want to hold onto something... My son just did the dishes! I think I'm smiling like an idiot, on the inside anyways. As much as I would like to make a big deal of this I know that it's not a good idea. Sometimes it can be taken as belittling or condescending and with my son it usually gives him the ok to not do anything else... I did say a very nice thank you! Think I'm going to go outside for a cigarette so I can smile like an idiot for a minute! Be right back...
Remember the calendars that I said I was going to print yesterday? Well I printed some for this month and next month. I noted what days he is supposed to cook, do dishes and clean the toilet. Today is the day for dishes. Of course he isn't looking at them on his own. Baby steps right? I pointed out to him that today is dishes day. No movement to do them... A little while later I reminded him again. He asked what was for dinner and if it could be the salmon I took out yesterday. I did buy it because he said he likes salmon. I told him we were having salmon but I wasn't going to start dinner until he did the dishes and that it would be better for him to do them before I made more dirty. If he didn't do the dishes then I wouldn't cook dinner and I would go out instead. He said this wasn't fair. I asked if he had any money? No. When he does then we will discuss fair.
Shortly after he got up to do the dishes asking for help as he had no idea how. I helped him get started and he did them! Soap suds galore! :) I'm also making honey roasted carrots for dinner since he really likes them too! Wish me luck on the salmon as I think this is my first attempt at making it.
I decided to start a Facebook page. I sometimes feel like I may be over posting mental health posts on my normal news feed. I started one before but I never gave it much of a chance. With this page I can post to my hearts content! Also I can't post news articles etc here so I feel like I'm missing out on passing on information that someone may find useful.
If you are interested then this is the page: Facebook Page: Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey
I was thinking about reminding my son, again, about his laundry but I think I will leave that until tomorrow. He is playing games etc today for the first time in probably over a week.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
What's my issue?
Apparently it's reality...
My son received his phone call this morning from the housing lady. It's housing for those who need mental and physical support or help. According to my son he requires no help - just a place to live. Oh and help cooking...
Based on this phone conversation the lady called his case worker at PACT and let her know that they will not be putting him on any wait-lists due to what he had to say during the phone interview. I was asked if he knew what support meant? I replied: I guess not...
I tried to discuss this with my son. Tried... and failed.
I pointed out that he doesn't know how to cook, clean, pay bills, grocery shop or even take care of his personal hygiene. He doesn't brush his teeth unless I tell him too. He goes way to long in between showers. He has needed to do laundry for two weeks. BUT he doesn't need support?! I didn't even mention schizophrenia and/or medication management. How can they possibly help him if he won't acknowledge that he needs the support/help that they are there for? They can't. They can't be responsible for putting him into an environment that he can't handle or won't ask for the help and assistance to handle it.
Somehow he got it into his head that he would be getting housing. Which apparently isn't true. So the lady from housing lied to his case worker who is lying to me? My son: Yes, my case worker is lying.
Is my son being delusional? I think he is very much in denial, by choice. Plus he is used to no one calling him out on his lies and manipulations. I'm the only one that appears to do so.
I'm well aware what is motivating his want to even move out. Perhaps that had a part to play as well. I heard him tell the lady on the phone that he doesn't like the rules here of no drugs and alcohol and that he wants to be able to bring home a bottle of wine every now and then. To the trained ear that said a lot. He doesn't care about paying bills or grocery shopping. He cares about having the freedom to get drunk and/or high when he wants.
I'm pretty sure in his eyes he doesn't even have to worry because once he spends all of his money on alcohol and marijuana he will just pick of his cell phone (that I'm paying for) and start calling his Dad and Nana or even his sister (she's working now!) and start asking for money. That's the only time he calls anyone is when he wants something.
Yes I have an issue... I don't know what to do now. I believe my son needs a reality check. He needs to face reality. He needs to acknowledge his own limitations and what his real goals and motivations are.
Where does this leave us? I don't know...
I think tonight hubby and I are going to go out for dinner. Forget thinking about it. We are! There is lots of things here to eat and honestly he can fend for himself for change. He should be happy I'm not doing what I was thinking about doing and making him get his own internet. Wait he can't... He has no income! What is he currently doing with what little money he does have? Buying and scratching scratch tickets. Hoping to win big I'm guessing ;)
He did win a little and went to get more. I didn't respond when he asked: Mom. Can you scratch them for me? His tone was very... whinny, childlike and manipulative. What's up with that?
I do have to print some blank calendars. I have been meaning to do that since my son blames me for him not doing the three chores a week that he agreed to do. I'm not reminding him and I should put in on a calendar for him. Ok, done!
ADHD Tip: How to Organize Your Family and Household
His case worker is coming by tomorrow morning. Maybe she will have more luck talking some sense into him.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
My son received his phone call this morning from the housing lady. It's housing for those who need mental and physical support or help. According to my son he requires no help - just a place to live. Oh and help cooking...
Based on this phone conversation the lady called his case worker at PACT and let her know that they will not be putting him on any wait-lists due to what he had to say during the phone interview. I was asked if he knew what support meant? I replied: I guess not...
I tried to discuss this with my son. Tried... and failed.
I pointed out that he doesn't know how to cook, clean, pay bills, grocery shop or even take care of his personal hygiene. He doesn't brush his teeth unless I tell him too. He goes way to long in between showers. He has needed to do laundry for two weeks. BUT he doesn't need support?! I didn't even mention schizophrenia and/or medication management. How can they possibly help him if he won't acknowledge that he needs the support/help that they are there for? They can't. They can't be responsible for putting him into an environment that he can't handle or won't ask for the help and assistance to handle it.
Somehow he got it into his head that he would be getting housing. Which apparently isn't true. So the lady from housing lied to his case worker who is lying to me? My son: Yes, my case worker is lying.
Is my son being delusional? I think he is very much in denial, by choice. Plus he is used to no one calling him out on his lies and manipulations. I'm the only one that appears to do so.
I'm well aware what is motivating his want to even move out. Perhaps that had a part to play as well. I heard him tell the lady on the phone that he doesn't like the rules here of no drugs and alcohol and that he wants to be able to bring home a bottle of wine every now and then. To the trained ear that said a lot. He doesn't care about paying bills or grocery shopping. He cares about having the freedom to get drunk and/or high when he wants.
I'm pretty sure in his eyes he doesn't even have to worry because once he spends all of his money on alcohol and marijuana he will just pick of his cell phone (that I'm paying for) and start calling his Dad and Nana or even his sister (she's working now!) and start asking for money. That's the only time he calls anyone is when he wants something.
Yes I have an issue... I don't know what to do now. I believe my son needs a reality check. He needs to face reality. He needs to acknowledge his own limitations and what his real goals and motivations are.
I think tonight hubby and I are going to go out for dinner. Forget thinking about it. We are! There is lots of things here to eat and honestly he can fend for himself for change. He should be happy I'm not doing what I was thinking about doing and making him get his own internet. Wait he can't... He has no income! What is he currently doing with what little money he does have? Buying and scratching scratch tickets. Hoping to win big I'm guessing ;)
He did win a little and went to get more. I didn't respond when he asked: Mom. Can you scratch them for me? His tone was very... whinny, childlike and manipulative. What's up with that?
I do have to print some blank calendars. I have been meaning to do that since my son blames me for him not doing the three chores a week that he agreed to do. I'm not reminding him and I should put in on a calendar for him. Ok, done!
ADHD Tip: How to Organize Your Family and Household
His case worker is coming by tomorrow morning. Maybe she will have more luck talking some sense into him.
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Addiction-Go-Round
I just realized today that a lot of pictures have been removed from some of my past blog posts. My apologies. I think when I updated my profile to a blogger profile, it removed the pictures as I no longer had rights to them? I'm guessing :) I no longer have a lot of them however I did try to re-add where I could.
We did go to Red Lobster for dinner yesterday for my son's birthday. His first question: Can I have a real (alcoholic) Caesar? Even if I pay for it myself? No, not unless you want to sit at another table which would defy the point of us taking you out for your birthday.
It was a pretty quiet meal. My son due to symptoms and/or alcohol he may have already been drinking yesterday, was a little spacey. Slow to respond and had a hard time deciding and remembering his dinner choices. My husband asked him earlier in the day if he had been drinking already today as I guess he reeked of alcohol and my son replied: Yes. I don't know what to think unless he is hiding it in his room however I did a quick check yesterday and couldn't find it. Usually if he is hiding it outside the apartment then he is in and out a lot! but he hasn't been. Unless he finished it yesterday morning... Or I just didn't find it. *sigh*
Shortly after coming back from the restaurant my son was in bed, said he felt sick. I suggested he take an Olanzapine that night to counteract the alcohol and agreed that he looked sick as the alcohol and a missed dose of Invega was probably causing some psychosis. His typical response of: It appears that way and of course he later refused to take an Olanzapine.
I'm glad I got the pill case. Now I just peek in it and I can see what he didn't take. Right now he is only taking the Invega and a Melatonin at bed time. Thankfully he is sleeping as I'm pretty sure if we added no sleep to the mix right now he wouldn't be in a very good spot. He is also eating so that is a good thing.
He did get up and come out to watch a movie with us. Well set in the living room with us ;) When he is like this he doesn't watch TV even though he says he is. Twenty plus minutes into watching something and him saying something like: What are we watching? Is a pretty good sign that he has been in la-la land for the past twenty plus minutes.
A lot of lying around, doing nothing. Just lying there staring off into space or being in his own head space as I call it. He starts to play a game but it doesn't last long. Laughing out loud for no apparent reason is happening off and on. He is going to his room and closing the door... Ack! I was thinking he was doing 'private time' but perhaps I should be looking harder for the alcohol. *face palm* He is usually much longer when it's private time!
Today he asked me to call PACT for him as he wants his psychiatrist to prescribe a benzo. According to him it's been awhile since he abused them so they should be willing to try again. Hmmm. Because what we are seeing happening right now, missed meds and alcohol abuse, is an indication that things have changed? And he hasn't abused them because they haven't been prescribed. I reminded him that PACT's number is on his phone and that benzos are not allowed in the home so if he wants them then he will have to deal with PACT coming to administer them daily. Quit amazing how this little bit of information seems to stop him from trying to get them. If he really wanted them for the right reasons then PACT administering them wouldn't be the end of it.
He has been up for over five hours and I think has only gone out for two cigarettes. That's not a good sign. His smoking habits can be an indication of where he is at.
He has a telephone interview or intake session tomorrow morning with someone from either Ready4Life and/or one of the housing applications he did. It was the same number as the previous lady who worked for Ready4Life. I almost didn't answer the phone thinking it was here ;) It was another lady. I don't think he did an application for Ready4Life this time so they must be connected.
He still won't do his laundry but I did get him to cut his fingernails before going to Red Lobster. Toenails he put up resistance :(
Mark this on your calendar for January 28! Bell Let's Talk
Still no word on disability. While I'm not counting on his room and board money it would certainly come in handy! Juggling which credit payments to make priority isn't fun ;) Yet at the same time the thought of him having access to more money right now. *shudder*
I don't know if he is doing this just to push my buttons which is quit possible however he has started talking about smoking crack-cocaine, that he needs/wants to. He has no idea what a crack high is to even want it. Expensive as all get out is what it is and it only lasts for thirty seconds! Honestly if it was put in front of me today I don't think I would have any problems flushing it. So yah he is most likely trying to push my buttons. I haven't said much about the alcohol and I haven't been bugging him about taking his medications so his ODD is probably chomping at the bit to start an argument over something. Since he is cycling between addiction and symptoms then he probably has some pent up energy that needs a release. I will do my best to not be a scapegoat! Pray for me! :)
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
We did go to Red Lobster for dinner yesterday for my son's birthday. His first question: Can I have a real (alcoholic) Caesar? Even if I pay for it myself? No, not unless you want to sit at another table which would defy the point of us taking you out for your birthday.
It was a pretty quiet meal. My son due to symptoms and/or alcohol he may have already been drinking yesterday, was a little spacey. Slow to respond and had a hard time deciding and remembering his dinner choices. My husband asked him earlier in the day if he had been drinking already today as I guess he reeked of alcohol and my son replied: Yes. I don't know what to think unless he is hiding it in his room however I did a quick check yesterday and couldn't find it. Usually if he is hiding it outside the apartment then he is in and out a lot! but he hasn't been. Unless he finished it yesterday morning... Or I just didn't find it. *sigh*
Shortly after coming back from the restaurant my son was in bed, said he felt sick. I suggested he take an Olanzapine that night to counteract the alcohol and agreed that he looked sick as the alcohol and a missed dose of Invega was probably causing some psychosis. His typical response of: It appears that way and of course he later refused to take an Olanzapine.
I'm glad I got the pill case. Now I just peek in it and I can see what he didn't take. Right now he is only taking the Invega and a Melatonin at bed time. Thankfully he is sleeping as I'm pretty sure if we added no sleep to the mix right now he wouldn't be in a very good spot. He is also eating so that is a good thing.
He did get up and come out to watch a movie with us. Well set in the living room with us ;) When he is like this he doesn't watch TV even though he says he is. Twenty plus minutes into watching something and him saying something like: What are we watching? Is a pretty good sign that he has been in la-la land for the past twenty plus minutes.
A lot of lying around, doing nothing. Just lying there staring off into space or being in his own head space as I call it. He starts to play a game but it doesn't last long. Laughing out loud for no apparent reason is happening off and on. He is going to his room and closing the door... Ack! I was thinking he was doing 'private time' but perhaps I should be looking harder for the alcohol. *face palm* He is usually much longer when it's private time!
Today he asked me to call PACT for him as he wants his psychiatrist to prescribe a benzo. According to him it's been awhile since he abused them so they should be willing to try again. Hmmm. Because what we are seeing happening right now, missed meds and alcohol abuse, is an indication that things have changed? And he hasn't abused them because they haven't been prescribed. I reminded him that PACT's number is on his phone and that benzos are not allowed in the home so if he wants them then he will have to deal with PACT coming to administer them daily. Quit amazing how this little bit of information seems to stop him from trying to get them. If he really wanted them for the right reasons then PACT administering them wouldn't be the end of it.
He has been up for over five hours and I think has only gone out for two cigarettes. That's not a good sign. His smoking habits can be an indication of where he is at.
He has a telephone interview or intake session tomorrow morning with someone from either Ready4Life and/or one of the housing applications he did. It was the same number as the previous lady who worked for Ready4Life. I almost didn't answer the phone thinking it was here ;) It was another lady. I don't think he did an application for Ready4Life this time so they must be connected.
He still won't do his laundry but I did get him to cut his fingernails before going to Red Lobster. Toenails he put up resistance :(
Mark this on your calendar for January 28! Bell Let's Talk
Still no word on disability. While I'm not counting on his room and board money it would certainly come in handy! Juggling which credit payments to make priority isn't fun ;) Yet at the same time the thought of him having access to more money right now. *shudder*
I don't know if he is doing this just to push my buttons which is quit possible however he has started talking about smoking crack-cocaine, that he needs/wants to. He has no idea what a crack high is to even want it. Expensive as all get out is what it is and it only lasts for thirty seconds! Honestly if it was put in front of me today I don't think I would have any problems flushing it. So yah he is most likely trying to push my buttons. I haven't said much about the alcohol and I haven't been bugging him about taking his medications so his ODD is probably chomping at the bit to start an argument over something. Since he is cycling between addiction and symptoms then he probably has some pent up energy that needs a release. I will do my best to not be a scapegoat! Pray for me! :)
Mom
BarbieBF
© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
He is.... cycling?
Above picture credit to: Etsy
I have really been trying to work on this lately... with my husband and my son. I'm having better luck with my son then my husband but it's hard in both instances.
Thursday evening for whatever reason my son decided to check his bank account and it looks like he received his HST credit. Awesome! Of course off he goes to the liquor store. There isn't too much that I can do about it. It's legal and it's his money... I got to practice a little of 'keeping my mouth shut.' as my son told me that he didn't agree with the rule of no alcohol in the home. Sometimes I just have to remind myself: What's the point? I'm not going to get anywhere by arguing or even discussing this with my son. It's the rule. Period.
We went for a car ride as my hubby had to get gas. During this car ride I did discuss with my son that once we move this can't keep happening as he hides the alcohol either in the laundry room of the building or on the grounds. Where we are moving is a family orientated complex and if I start getting warnings because children are finding and drinking his hidden liquor then he will have to go. If he really wants to drink then that is what bars are for. Drinking in public is illegal whether he agrees with that law or not is a mood point.
After we come back he tells me that he is going to visit his 'partner in instability'. He used the transit system. Amazing what he is capable of doing on his own when alcohol and/or marijuana is involved. Maybe this is where he got the idea to check his bank account for money? I didn't say much... Again what can I say? He's 21 today. Crap! I was going to look into bakeries for a cake yesterday and forgot. I will see what hubby thinks about us going to Red Lobster for dinner!
He returned the next afternoon. He didn't take his Invega while there which isn't surprising. Within thirty minutes of being home he wanted me to either take cash from him to put on a Google play account for his Nvidia game or walk with him to the bank or Walmart. I won't even use or put money on these types of accounts for myself so I'm certainly not going to connect my banking information with accounts in his name. So he wanted me to walk to Walmart with him so that he could buy a Google play gift card. I think that's what they are called. I said no. If he could trek to almost the other end of the city on transit by himself then he can go two blocks by himself. He did.
This entertained him for a short period of time... He also wanted to give me money to get him a month of World of Warcraft. Why? He plays it so rarely I don't see the point. Also he can do this himself if he would go to the bank and update his details. He couldn't access his online banking as he got a new bank card while out in British Columbia and his details have changed since we no longer have the home phone and he can't access his old email accounts. So when he tried to access and it asked for information to verify and send a new code... Well it would go to an inactive phone or email. We did hopefully fix this yesterday as I had to go to the bank for loonies for laundry so had him update his details since he came with us.
Friday night he went to bed good and took his Invega and a Trazodone so got a good nights sleep. Still Saturday was him laughing out loud more... And him going to the liquor store again.
So for lack of a better word, he is cycling... Feeding his addiction which in turn is triggering his schizophrenia which cycles into wanting to self-medicate and trying to feel better or fight off the inevitable depression with more alcohol. Or asking me if I think his psychiatrist will prescribe him Ativan/Lorazepam... No he won't because he abuses it and wants to take enough that he is totally sedated which my son agrees is what he wants. We can up his anti-psychotics so that he is totally sedated if that is the goal... That pretty much ended that conversation ;)
I found myself in a bit of dilemma this morning. Yesterday my hubby asked my son where he was hiding his alcohol. Part of me doesn't want to know. My son pointed to where it was... This morning I couldn't resist looking there and sure enough there it was. Do I leave it or throw it out? I decided to throw it out. I'm responsible for the actions of everyone that is living in my apartment which means I'm responsible for my son's alcohol on the premises where it legally is not supposed to be.
Yesterday I bought my son a pill case. I can't be counting pills or trying to micro-manage if he is taking them or not. At least I'm trying not to... This way I can fill it up or he can fill it up once a week with his Invega, Trazodone and Melatonin. I don't have to ask him if he is taking them or not, just look in the pill case. Since he doesn't hide from me if he is taking them or not there should be no reason for him to take them out and put them elsewhere. Hopefully it will also cut down on him getting confused if he has taken something or not. The Olanzapine is a PRN so we didn't add that. His Trazodone is a PRN as well but he is more likely to take it for a good nights sleep.
I did manage to get him in the shower yesterday stating that if he wanted to come do errands with us then he needed to that first. I also gave him a new pair of track pants that I had bought that morning for him as he wears them the most and he gets them stained fairly easily. He spent some money in the dollar store on candy and an energy drink. Thankfully the energy drinks are now down to rarely as we don't buy them anymore. We also stopped at Timmies (Tim Horton's) :)
Next will be getting him to cut his nails... I really don't understand or get this off and on fascination with having long fingernails. If one is going to take care of them and keep them clean that is another story however my son doesn't. I sometimes forget to get him to wash his hands before going out with me.... *mental shudder* when we are in a store line up and he is cleaning his nails and smelling it. Sorry I know that sound gross. It is! However it is the reality of our lives at times. I stop him and tell him that it is not appropriate to be doing that at that time.
Hubby is back from going to see his grand-kids, my son is up and I have dishes to do before I get hubby to dye my hair. One look at my roots right now would definitely give away my real age :)
On a side note. I can't wait to move! Hopefully I'm not going from the frying pan to the fire... However I'm pretty sure not as the complex seems well maintained and monitored as staff is on site several times a day, I am told. My neighbors across the hall... have been enjoying the weekend since Friday afternoon. Started today Sunday morning at 11AM. They have been better lately. Better is still me listening to their music while I'm setting at my computer. Friday night was the clean out of beer bottles. Two stacks as tall as me that sat in the hallway overnight. I just keep reminding myself... soon!
Mom
BarbieBF
Thursday, January 22, 2015
I'm bored. Can I go to sleep now?
Things have been quiet since Tuesday. My son's Nvidia Shield Portable gaming system arrived yesterday morning. It's a birthday present his dad and I split on. He was surprised and happy that it arrived so quickly as I had been cautioning him that it would take time for it to reach us. Once he asked if we could drive to some city in MN to pick up. Not realizing that MN was not a part of Canada but is a state in the USA.
He enjoyed the tablet that my sister dropped off for him for a little while. I think he already has the memory full since he was asking about a memory card two nights ago. I noticed this on his cell phone too that the memory is almost full of downloaded games and apps that he just doesn't use or play.
When the Nvidia system arrived I remember thinking to myself: How long until he starts asking about money so that he can buy games for it even though there are lots of free ones that he could download. I was thinking it would take a couple of hours but it only took about thirty minutes. I nicely said no to giving him money, that he will have to wait and reminded him that no matter how many games he pays for he usually ends up back playing the free ones like MapleStory, RuneScape and I think Minecraft are some of them.
As of last night or this morning he said that he had downloaded about twelve games, only played two?
Today he is bored... He has a top of the line gaming laptop to use, a tablet and now the Nvidia gaming system and he is bored. I think we are finding ourselves in that in-between stage. His positive schizophrenia symptoms are not entertaining him anymore as they must be pretty much gone. I haven't seen/heard him laughing for no reason at voices or thoughts like he was. I think it's good that he is bored as in my eyes it's an indication of his mind being quieter. I asked him today if he was feeling ok as it's fairly easy to tell that he is experiencing something. He is lethargic or sluggish. Tired, slow and inactive. He just knows that he is 'bored' and doesn't want to play his games. I explained to him that this could be negative symptoms of schizophrenia. He asked if negative was like hearing voices? No. Positive and negative mean more and less not good and bad. If it's something more then someone like me would experience then it's positive, like hearing voices. Not being motivated to do things that we enjoy is a negative as it takes away. At this point he asked if he could go to sleep now?
I know that he is taking his medication however I know this because I have been reminding him to take them for the past two nights. Two days ago he asked about sleeping on the sofa as he wanted to get a good nights sleep. He is not getting good sleeps because he is not using the medications that he has available to help with quieting his mind at night. I reminded him that he has Trazodone, Olanzapine and Melatonin to help him go to sleep. If he used all of them he would be knocked out pretty good and get a really good nights sleep. That night he took Trazodone, Melatonin and perhaps an Olanzapine however did not take his Invega. I had to wake him to take it. He insisted that he had taken it however his Invega is being brought to him in blister packs as free samples right now and none of the blisters had been opened so he couldn't have taken one. I did get him to take it. I don't know if he got confused between the Olanzapine and the Invega or was just confused since I did wake him. Maybe I should go back to counting pills? When I woke him up he was covered in sweat. This may be from taking two Melatonin which can cause vivid dreams without taking the Invega. Really I don't know...
Last night I only gave him one Melatonin. It was 11:30 or 12 when I went in his room and he was in bed yet hadn't taken any of his medications. He said he was going to... Then asked me to get them for him which I did. 12:45 he was out for a smoke, banging around. I'm not sure what to do about this late night stuff as he is keeping everyone awake and it's not good for him either. He did get up by 10 this morning which is good but now he is in bed...
Due to the excessive sweating two nights ago he is in need of a shower again. He also needs to finish doing his laundry. He knows that he needs to have a shower and says that he wants too...
He is eating good so that's a plus. Speaking of food... I decided to start another blog! BarbieBF's Kitchen. Don't judge it (or shake your head at me ;)) as it's a mess and I'm still not to sure how I want it set up. My goal, I think, is to try to condense what research I have done on nutrition, diet, supplements and mental illness. To perhaps help others to try to put together meals that can hopefully minimize some of the symptoms of schizophrenia as well as keeping ourselves, the caregivers, healthy and strong. Also easy meals that don't require a lot of prepping as I know a lot of caregivers are not just working in the home but outside the home as well. I have been kicking the idea around for a bit but it's just not coming together... Yet.
Still no news on disability. His worker was returning some of my calls but hasn't returned the last two! On another note my son is now in collections for I think $400 and $600 for the two cell phone accounts that he didn't pay. Mom what can I do about it? He can't pay them. Hopefully in about seven years he will be in a place that a credit score will matter. If not then at least I may have some security in knowing that another company shouldn't let him access anymore credit. He did receive a call yesterday that his application for housing was received.
Mom
BarbieBF
He enjoyed the tablet that my sister dropped off for him for a little while. I think he already has the memory full since he was asking about a memory card two nights ago. I noticed this on his cell phone too that the memory is almost full of downloaded games and apps that he just doesn't use or play.
When the Nvidia system arrived I remember thinking to myself: How long until he starts asking about money so that he can buy games for it even though there are lots of free ones that he could download. I was thinking it would take a couple of hours but it only took about thirty minutes. I nicely said no to giving him money, that he will have to wait and reminded him that no matter how many games he pays for he usually ends up back playing the free ones like MapleStory, RuneScape and I think Minecraft are some of them.
As of last night or this morning he said that he had downloaded about twelve games, only played two?
Today he is bored... He has a top of the line gaming laptop to use, a tablet and now the Nvidia gaming system and he is bored. I think we are finding ourselves in that in-between stage. His positive schizophrenia symptoms are not entertaining him anymore as they must be pretty much gone. I haven't seen/heard him laughing for no reason at voices or thoughts like he was. I think it's good that he is bored as in my eyes it's an indication of his mind being quieter. I asked him today if he was feeling ok as it's fairly easy to tell that he is experiencing something. He is lethargic or sluggish. Tired, slow and inactive. He just knows that he is 'bored' and doesn't want to play his games. I explained to him that this could be negative symptoms of schizophrenia. He asked if negative was like hearing voices? No. Positive and negative mean more and less not good and bad. If it's something more then someone like me would experience then it's positive, like hearing voices. Not being motivated to do things that we enjoy is a negative as it takes away. At this point he asked if he could go to sleep now?
I know that he is taking his medication however I know this because I have been reminding him to take them for the past two nights. Two days ago he asked about sleeping on the sofa as he wanted to get a good nights sleep. He is not getting good sleeps because he is not using the medications that he has available to help with quieting his mind at night. I reminded him that he has Trazodone, Olanzapine and Melatonin to help him go to sleep. If he used all of them he would be knocked out pretty good and get a really good nights sleep. That night he took Trazodone, Melatonin and perhaps an Olanzapine however did not take his Invega. I had to wake him to take it. He insisted that he had taken it however his Invega is being brought to him in blister packs as free samples right now and none of the blisters had been opened so he couldn't have taken one. I did get him to take it. I don't know if he got confused between the Olanzapine and the Invega or was just confused since I did wake him. Maybe I should go back to counting pills? When I woke him up he was covered in sweat. This may be from taking two Melatonin which can cause vivid dreams without taking the Invega. Really I don't know...
Last night I only gave him one Melatonin. It was 11:30 or 12 when I went in his room and he was in bed yet hadn't taken any of his medications. He said he was going to... Then asked me to get them for him which I did. 12:45 he was out for a smoke, banging around. I'm not sure what to do about this late night stuff as he is keeping everyone awake and it's not good for him either. He did get up by 10 this morning which is good but now he is in bed...
Due to the excessive sweating two nights ago he is in need of a shower again. He also needs to finish doing his laundry. He knows that he needs to have a shower and says that he wants too...
He is eating good so that's a plus. Speaking of food... I decided to start another blog! BarbieBF's Kitchen. Don't judge it (or shake your head at me ;)) as it's a mess and I'm still not to sure how I want it set up. My goal, I think, is to try to condense what research I have done on nutrition, diet, supplements and mental illness. To perhaps help others to try to put together meals that can hopefully minimize some of the symptoms of schizophrenia as well as keeping ourselves, the caregivers, healthy and strong. Also easy meals that don't require a lot of prepping as I know a lot of caregivers are not just working in the home but outside the home as well. I have been kicking the idea around for a bit but it's just not coming together... Yet.
Still no news on disability. His worker was returning some of my calls but hasn't returned the last two! On another note my son is now in collections for I think $400 and $600 for the two cell phone accounts that he didn't pay. Mom what can I do about it? He can't pay them. Hopefully in about seven years he will be in a place that a credit score will matter. If not then at least I may have some security in knowing that another company shouldn't let him access anymore credit. He did receive a call yesterday that his application for housing was received.
Mom
BarbieBF
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Building Blocks, Things I Need to Work On.
Building blocks went through my mind the other day as I was talking to my son about money and cigarettes. I asked a leading question: Why do you not have any cigarettes? I knew the answer but I wanted to see if he was able to put two and two together and understand that consequences of his own actions. His response: Because I sold my carton of cigarettes. He sold ten packs of cigarettes and didn't even get enough money to buy two packs. Then ended up going back to the person he sold them too and getting back one of the packs. I ended up giving him some of my husbands. I explained to my son that the responsibility of this is on him and his choices. He would still have half a carton of cigarettes if he had not done what he did.
My son's 21st birthday is coming up. I know this may sound harsh however I agreed to purchase him cigarettes but he is to pay me back from the birthday money that he will be receiving from other family members. It will be his choice if he wants to buy expensive ones and be left with less money or learn to be responsible and buy the cheaper ones that he can afford (or quit). He actually bought even cheaper ones than he used to get! Impressive right?
Like I said I know it sounds a little harsh to do this regarding his birthday money however there is always something... Christmas and hospitalizations are two of them. Always reasons to not help my son learn responsibility and consequences for his own actions. Reasons that I can no longer afford or support.
Through no fault of his own and admittedly with my help my son has not learned some of the basic building blocks of being responsible or mature. For too many years he has been sheltered from the consequences of his own actions because he has schizophrenia. No it's not his fault... Still I'm beginning to see the error in not holding my son accountable for the choices that he sometimes make. Yes he has schizophrenia but he is not without the capability of understanding the consequences of those choices. Choices that everyone else, including myself, shoulder the responsibility for. Choices that I'm really beginning to see have very little to do with my son's schizophrenia.
A saying I like to use with my son is: The proof is in the pudding. When my son is not being given the opportunity to run away from his life here... The change in him and his attitude is night and day. Although his birthday is coming up so I could be mis-reading all of this...
Wednesday night things could have gone pretty badly. We were quickly heading to a repeat of September and a shelter. He was doing what he has been taught that he can do and get away with which was lying and manipulating. Thankfully it did not come to that again...
Since Thursday morning... Like I said night and day. My son's schizophrenia symptoms have not changed but his attitude has. Mom I have decided that I want to stay here and deal with... Really the choice was made for him but still it's the thought... Due to his symptoms he has not been doing too much. Still staying up late most nights and over all lying around. The difference is how he is going about it. He seems more willing to accept the idea that what he is experiencing is schizophrenia symptoms. He seems more willing to at least for right now be medication compliant. I have told him that he can't run from himself or schizophrenia. All this will follow him until he can learn to manage it. Perhaps by not being able to run from one thing he is also not running from other things as well?
He is back to doing things for himself. Not a lot but he is trying. Mom can you do...? No but I can show you how. And that is what I do. The other day I showed him how to make a tuna sandwich since he likes how I spice the tuna. A tuna sandwich may not sound like much but when my son has gone long periods without lifting a finger to do anything for himself, it's more then a start. If he only picks up some of the garbage when I'm tidying up his room, it's better then not helping at all. If he misses items while picking up after himself in the living room, he is picking up after himself. He did a load of laundry on Friday with little prompting from me. He still has another load to do and maybe today I can get him to tackle it.
I have been thinking about my part to play in all this. How I can help to build the right foundation with the right building blocks. He has missed out on so much including a reasonably normal child and parent relationship which includes arguments and butting heads over responsibilities and boundaries. Both of my kids have... I think I blogged a little while ago that I'm pretty fed up with schizophrenia. I have allowed it to control almost every aspect of our lives when it doesn't need to. Schizophrenia like any disease or disorder is not all of who my son is. He is a person outside of that and that person is not always Mr. Sunshine. Neither am I for that matter ;)
As a child grows and learns the boundaries of what s/he can or cannot do... My son has never learned those boundaries. Instead he has run from parent to parent to grandparent which we allowed. Each of us in turn contributing to what I can now see is probably more behavioral issues then mental illness.
I have been trying to think through and decide what to do about my son living with me long-term or being in the group home. I do believe that the group home is the best choice for him. Not the easy choice but the best choice. Currently we are experiencing a calm time... It never lasts though. And in the end my son can't live at home forever. He needs to take those steps out into adulthood.
What can I do? I think I need to reread how to discipline ADHD and ODD children and how to set appropriate boundaries and not be drawn into stupid arguments. This is a big one as I'm pretty sure my son tried to draw me into one last night. He again wanted a ride over to his friend's house or partner in instability is what I've given to calling him in my head. I of course said no to giving him a ride. I didn't say no to him going, I'm just not going to contribute to or enable the choice of drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana. Like I have referenced before (I think), I wouldn't drive him to a crack house so why would I drive him to a marijuana house... The reality is that right now alcohol and marijuana are as dangerous to my son as crack-cocaine is to me (a recovering addict) perhaps even more so as using will make him psychotic.
I blogged about ODD here: Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Anger
The harder part in all this may be the age appropriate boundaries... How to tell what is age appropriate for someone recovering from psychosis. I guess I will have to wing it... I know that he is capable of doing much much more then he is willing to do. Control myself, pick my battles, resist rescuing him from consequences and build on the positives! Bless him as he even makes building on the positives a hard one. It's like praising him gives him the idea that he can stop trying...
When I said that I wasn't taking him and that I wasn't going to discuss it further he asked me: What can we discuss then!? Ironically watching my husband refrain from saying anything even though I could see it pissing him off, helped me to not respond. It was obvious by my son's tone that he was looking for an argument. Piss me off and I would be more willing to have him out of the home and therefore give him a ride. I'm learning from my husband! Yes pick me up off the floor ;). It's a good learning curve for me though and I need to spend some time reading the books he is reading as I know that I'm not above learning and I really don't know everything... ;)
I blogged about these books here: Hello 2015! CBT and Mindfullness
I think I'm finally over that god awful cold! Now that I'm feeling better I can start putting myself in a better frame of mind and start taking care of things again. I sometimes mentally shake my head at myself as I let things slide entirely too far. I stopped doing all or most of the things that I tell other caregivers to do for themselves. Shame on me! I don't know where she went but my normal upbeat self got lost there for a little bit. I'm glad I'm coming back :) I need to take care of me too and that means not missing vitamins and supplements, doing my stretches and taking some time away from schizophrenia and mental health related things.
We are moving! So I need to start getting organized. I can't do much yet as we don't have an exact moving date but I can start clearing out things as I get back into the routine of doing more then the bare minimum around here. A little or lot of housework will do me some good!
To my sister if you are still reading: Thank you for the tablet for my son! He is enjoying it very much!
Mom
BarbieBF
My son's 21st birthday is coming up. I know this may sound harsh however I agreed to purchase him cigarettes but he is to pay me back from the birthday money that he will be receiving from other family members. It will be his choice if he wants to buy expensive ones and be left with less money or learn to be responsible and buy the cheaper ones that he can afford (or quit). He actually bought even cheaper ones than he used to get! Impressive right?
Like I said I know it sounds a little harsh to do this regarding his birthday money however there is always something... Christmas and hospitalizations are two of them. Always reasons to not help my son learn responsibility and consequences for his own actions. Reasons that I can no longer afford or support.
Through no fault of his own and admittedly with my help my son has not learned some of the basic building blocks of being responsible or mature. For too many years he has been sheltered from the consequences of his own actions because he has schizophrenia. No it's not his fault... Still I'm beginning to see the error in not holding my son accountable for the choices that he sometimes make. Yes he has schizophrenia but he is not without the capability of understanding the consequences of those choices. Choices that everyone else, including myself, shoulder the responsibility for. Choices that I'm really beginning to see have very little to do with my son's schizophrenia.
A saying I like to use with my son is: The proof is in the pudding. When my son is not being given the opportunity to run away from his life here... The change in him and his attitude is night and day. Although his birthday is coming up so I could be mis-reading all of this...
Wednesday night things could have gone pretty badly. We were quickly heading to a repeat of September and a shelter. He was doing what he has been taught that he can do and get away with which was lying and manipulating. Thankfully it did not come to that again...
Since Thursday morning... Like I said night and day. My son's schizophrenia symptoms have not changed but his attitude has. Mom I have decided that I want to stay here and deal with... Really the choice was made for him but still it's the thought... Due to his symptoms he has not been doing too much. Still staying up late most nights and over all lying around. The difference is how he is going about it. He seems more willing to accept the idea that what he is experiencing is schizophrenia symptoms. He seems more willing to at least for right now be medication compliant. I have told him that he can't run from himself or schizophrenia. All this will follow him until he can learn to manage it. Perhaps by not being able to run from one thing he is also not running from other things as well?
He is back to doing things for himself. Not a lot but he is trying. Mom can you do...? No but I can show you how. And that is what I do. The other day I showed him how to make a tuna sandwich since he likes how I spice the tuna. A tuna sandwich may not sound like much but when my son has gone long periods without lifting a finger to do anything for himself, it's more then a start. If he only picks up some of the garbage when I'm tidying up his room, it's better then not helping at all. If he misses items while picking up after himself in the living room, he is picking up after himself. He did a load of laundry on Friday with little prompting from me. He still has another load to do and maybe today I can get him to tackle it.
I have been thinking about my part to play in all this. How I can help to build the right foundation with the right building blocks. He has missed out on so much including a reasonably normal child and parent relationship which includes arguments and butting heads over responsibilities and boundaries. Both of my kids have... I think I blogged a little while ago that I'm pretty fed up with schizophrenia. I have allowed it to control almost every aspect of our lives when it doesn't need to. Schizophrenia like any disease or disorder is not all of who my son is. He is a person outside of that and that person is not always Mr. Sunshine. Neither am I for that matter ;)
As a child grows and learns the boundaries of what s/he can or cannot do... My son has never learned those boundaries. Instead he has run from parent to parent to grandparent which we allowed. Each of us in turn contributing to what I can now see is probably more behavioral issues then mental illness.
I have been trying to think through and decide what to do about my son living with me long-term or being in the group home. I do believe that the group home is the best choice for him. Not the easy choice but the best choice. Currently we are experiencing a calm time... It never lasts though. And in the end my son can't live at home forever. He needs to take those steps out into adulthood.
What can I do? I think I need to reread how to discipline ADHD and ODD children and how to set appropriate boundaries and not be drawn into stupid arguments. This is a big one as I'm pretty sure my son tried to draw me into one last night. He again wanted a ride over to his friend's house or partner in instability is what I've given to calling him in my head. I of course said no to giving him a ride. I didn't say no to him going, I'm just not going to contribute to or enable the choice of drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana. Like I have referenced before (I think), I wouldn't drive him to a crack house so why would I drive him to a marijuana house... The reality is that right now alcohol and marijuana are as dangerous to my son as crack-cocaine is to me (a recovering addict) perhaps even more so as using will make him psychotic.
I blogged about ODD here: Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Anger
The harder part in all this may be the age appropriate boundaries... How to tell what is age appropriate for someone recovering from psychosis. I guess I will have to wing it... I know that he is capable of doing much much more then he is willing to do. Control myself, pick my battles, resist rescuing him from consequences and build on the positives! Bless him as he even makes building on the positives a hard one. It's like praising him gives him the idea that he can stop trying...
When I said that I wasn't taking him and that I wasn't going to discuss it further he asked me: What can we discuss then!? Ironically watching my husband refrain from saying anything even though I could see it pissing him off, helped me to not respond. It was obvious by my son's tone that he was looking for an argument. Piss me off and I would be more willing to have him out of the home and therefore give him a ride. I'm learning from my husband! Yes pick me up off the floor ;). It's a good learning curve for me though and I need to spend some time reading the books he is reading as I know that I'm not above learning and I really don't know everything... ;)
I blogged about these books here: Hello 2015! CBT and Mindfullness
I think I'm finally over that god awful cold! Now that I'm feeling better I can start putting myself in a better frame of mind and start taking care of things again. I sometimes mentally shake my head at myself as I let things slide entirely too far. I stopped doing all or most of the things that I tell other caregivers to do for themselves. Shame on me! I don't know where she went but my normal upbeat self got lost there for a little bit. I'm glad I'm coming back :) I need to take care of me too and that means not missing vitamins and supplements, doing my stretches and taking some time away from schizophrenia and mental health related things.
We are moving! So I need to start getting organized. I can't do much yet as we don't have an exact moving date but I can start clearing out things as I get back into the routine of doing more then the bare minimum around here. A little or lot of housework will do me some good!
To my sister if you are still reading: Thank you for the tablet for my son! He is enjoying it very much!
Mom
BarbieBF
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Tactile Hallucinations and Behavioral Issues
Monday as my son and I were getting ready to take the car down for the emissions testing he asked me how he could stop 'them' from attacking him. Them being his voices or entities. They had been attacking his privates the night before. I explained to him that these are what is called tactile hallucinations. I had read about this type of thing happening on the schizophrenia.com forum so I wasn't taken off guard when he asked about it. I told him that that are a lot of different types of hallucinations and he says that he has experienced several of them. Wikipedia has a list: Wikipedia - Hallucinations.
While we were waiting for the car, I logged into the forum on my phone and showed him some posts from other people who have experienced this. I created him an account a little while ago as I want him to be able to start understanding and knowing that he is not alone in what he is experiencing. So far he has not used it that I'm aware of. I don't know if this helped him or not.
I told my son that I'm glad that he is finally reaching a point where he is able to consider that what he is experiencing is schizophrenia symptoms. He wants my help to spiritually deal with what he is going through. What he is going through is NOT spiritual. It's manifestations of his symptoms. Wanting to get the government involved or create a government to rule the world is a grandiose delusion. There is no one government that rules the world. I know that it must be hard to accept the idea that what seems so real is part of a disease and that his brain is 'playing tricks on him'.
How do we stop it? I'm not sure why he is believing that it can't be stopped. I have reminded him several times that we know that it can be stopped because he has been positive and negative symptom free of schizophrenia, so it is obviously possible. Before the Adderall in June, 2014 my son was symptom free or in remission. It IS possible providing he be medication compliant and stay away from marijuana.
The good thing that seems to have come from him experiencing this is that he is now taking his Invega and Olanzapine as prescribed.
For the longest time I didn't discuss my son's schizophrenia with him. Recently I have not been so guarded about that and I do discuss his schizophrenia as matter-of-factly as I can. It's a pretty big elephant in the room that can't be ignored. We have gone through phases where my son would get mad if I even mentioned his schizophrenia to being mad that I never ask him about it... Typical no win situation :)
Yesterday after he got up I asked him how he was? Good. How he slept? Good. Then I asked him if he had experienced any more tactile hallucinations? No. How are the entities, are they bothering you? This last question was I guess too much... Why are you asking?! I see this sometimes on the forum. My parents don't understand. My mom never asks me about my schizophrenia. My dad never asks me about me. Seriously talk about no win scenarios. We are judged either way. If we mention symptoms than we are being mean or rude. If we don't mention or ask then we are being uncaring and don't understand. We can only understand what one helps us to understand. We are not telepathic, we don't have crystal balls and we are not psychic. Sorry we are just human beings.
This is random... The other day I was thinking about how heavy my purse was. Aside from normal purse items I have been carrying around several different medications and supplements that I don't want being abused. I had my son's Neurotin and my hubby's Concerta that I haven't taken back for disposal at the pharmacy , 2 bottles of 5-HTP and sometimes I have my son's other medications and even my own sleeping pills if I'm concerned about him being suicidal. My son had also cut up his Trazodone into quarters that he had in his jacket in a sandwich baggy that I took out yesterday and put in my purse for disposal at the pharmacy along with the Lithium. I can't imagine what explaining I would have to do to a police officer if he pulled me over and went through my purse! Do a urine test, blood test, hair sample test... I swear Officer I'm not abusing all these!
I have blogged before about how I get upset when I'm being told that my son's actions are behavioral. I have been trying to give this some serious thought and perhaps there is some truth in this observation. It would be nice if I could chalk up all my son's actions to schizophrenia and/or related disorders however that may not always be the case. There are confabulations or lies without the intention to deceive. My son outright tells lies and knows that he is lying. There is breaks with reality and delusional thinking. My son knows when he is manipulating people. Losing control while experiencing psychosis and symptoms. My son will threaten me with losing control when I don't give him what he wants. These things are behavioral and are things that he does have a choice in doing or not.
He is not liking that I won't buy him more cigarettes. When I told him that he should be grateful for what he is being provided his response was that he would be grateful for more... Somehow he missed the idea behind being grateful. Yesterday he started again about me buying him more tobacco for the tobacco pipe I got him for Christmas. Why did I get it for him if I wasn't going to buy him more tobacco? When I tried to talk and reply he cut me off and wouldn't let me talk. Then he went into how it is stronger tobacco and how it is furthering his addiction, all reasons that I have been telling him to be careful with it and not overdue it. So because I'm not buying him more then he is going to go through withdrawal, become cranky and I will have to deal with it... I had to laugh as I replied: Because your such a joy to be around now. He didn't like that and went out to smoke his pipe. This isn't schizophrenia or ADHD... It's my son trying to manipulate me. A side note to this is the tobacco I'm having to clean up after him where he is dumping his pipe all over the step and walkway coming into the building.
A little while later I said to him: This is why I want you in a group home because here you are just take, take, take and you give nothing in return. It's like you have no respect or consideration for anything or anyone. He looked me straight in the eyes and said: You're right, I don't. Yes I know. Just because you are my son and I love you that doesn't mean that I don't see.
He has asked about doing chores for money for tobacco... If he is capable of doing chores then he should be doing them and no I'm not going to pay him for doing them. Of course that means he won't do them or anything else for that matter because why should he do anything for anyone else? It must be hard for him to deal with people who don't think the sun shines out of his butt ;)
A worker from PACT dropped off more Invega yesterday. She had called my son before she came and let him know that she was on her way. When she showed up my son refused to even sit up on the sofa... When she left I told him that that was a little bit rude. My son is not above knowing or learning courtesy and manners. Someone was doing something for him and yes he should at least acknowledge it and put forth some effort to be polite. He said that it wasn't rude because he wasn't trying to be rude. I told him to remember that the next time he is accusing me of being rude because that is something I have never tried to be.
So we butted heads yesterday over him lying on the sofa all day. I have asked him repeatedly to not treat the living room like a bedroom. He needs to put forth some effort to do something, anything other then lying around doing nothing all day and then being up, keeping everyone else awake until all hours in the morning. The night before he kept waking my husband up until after 1:30 when he has to get up for work at 5. Last night it was until after 12.
My son tells me yesterday that he doesn't want to ever see me lying down on the sofa. Really! The fact that he even thinks that he is justified or has the right to tell me what I can or can not do with or on my furniture in my living room... Yes I know it's his living room too. Actually it's not. He's allowed to use because me and my hubby say that he can.
After dinner he starts again. How can he watch TV if he can't relax on the sofa? There is a difference between relaxing or reclining and all out lying down. Again I'm being told that I should let him rearrange the living room. No. Well he is not some dog that... I don't recall the rest of that. Finally I said to him that he is 20 years old and to stop acting like he is 5. Well he is going to act like he is 2 or 3 and have temper tantrums. That's fine, children who are having temper tantrums need to be in their room so please go there. No! My husband asked him to go to his room. No! If we want him to move then we will have to drag him off the sofa... Hubby and I went to our room as the living room was so full of his attitude that we didn't want to be there. Twenty minutes later guess where he is... In his room sitting on a bed that he says is a piece of shit, on a laptop that we bought using internet that we are paying for.
What irks me is this. Why are we the parents the ones that are providing the home and usually everything else, the ones that have to hide in our rooms? I think back to my own childhood. The idea of treating anything that my parents gave or provided me with, with such disrespect... Privacy? I never expected it as long as I was living under my parents roof. If I wanted to act and do as I pleased then I needed to move out. If I wanted respect then I had to give respect. I didn't get paid for chores. I did them because it was expected that I contribute. No negotiations. There was no expectations that my parents provide me with any luxuries. I certainly didn't think that I had the right to tell my parents what to do...
My son has no idea what it can be like out there in the real world. He has never been literally 'out on the street'. I have. I know what it's like to walk around most of the night, in the winter, not knowing where I was going to sleep and being hungry. I ended up on someone's dirty sofa, watching my 'friend' eat while my stomach growled. Trust me after one night I was thankful for the warm bed in my mother's house, for food to eat and yes even chores to do.
I know that this all has to stop. If my son was in active psychosis then I would not hold him accountable for his actions however he is stable enough to be held accountable. He is aware of what he is doing and saying. To be blunt, he is being a disrespectful self-indulgent brat and I'm done rewarding this behavior. I know that my husband should be able to get a reasonable night sleep for work. I have considered the idea of giving my husband my son's room. This may sound harsh but seriously... My son doesn't appreciate the bed as it's a piece of shit, he doesn't want to use the room except to masturbate or for privacy when calling his Nana, he wants to sleep and/or lie on the sofa in the living room 24/7.
I have some thinking to do...
Mom
BarbieBF
While we were waiting for the car, I logged into the forum on my phone and showed him some posts from other people who have experienced this. I created him an account a little while ago as I want him to be able to start understanding and knowing that he is not alone in what he is experiencing. So far he has not used it that I'm aware of. I don't know if this helped him or not.
I told my son that I'm glad that he is finally reaching a point where he is able to consider that what he is experiencing is schizophrenia symptoms. He wants my help to spiritually deal with what he is going through. What he is going through is NOT spiritual. It's manifestations of his symptoms. Wanting to get the government involved or create a government to rule the world is a grandiose delusion. There is no one government that rules the world. I know that it must be hard to accept the idea that what seems so real is part of a disease and that his brain is 'playing tricks on him'.
How do we stop it? I'm not sure why he is believing that it can't be stopped. I have reminded him several times that we know that it can be stopped because he has been positive and negative symptom free of schizophrenia, so it is obviously possible. Before the Adderall in June, 2014 my son was symptom free or in remission. It IS possible providing he be medication compliant and stay away from marijuana.
The good thing that seems to have come from him experiencing this is that he is now taking his Invega and Olanzapine as prescribed.
For the longest time I didn't discuss my son's schizophrenia with him. Recently I have not been so guarded about that and I do discuss his schizophrenia as matter-of-factly as I can. It's a pretty big elephant in the room that can't be ignored. We have gone through phases where my son would get mad if I even mentioned his schizophrenia to being mad that I never ask him about it... Typical no win situation :)
Yesterday after he got up I asked him how he was? Good. How he slept? Good. Then I asked him if he had experienced any more tactile hallucinations? No. How are the entities, are they bothering you? This last question was I guess too much... Why are you asking?! I see this sometimes on the forum. My parents don't understand. My mom never asks me about my schizophrenia. My dad never asks me about me. Seriously talk about no win scenarios. We are judged either way. If we mention symptoms than we are being mean or rude. If we don't mention or ask then we are being uncaring and don't understand. We can only understand what one helps us to understand. We are not telepathic, we don't have crystal balls and we are not psychic. Sorry we are just human beings.
This is random... The other day I was thinking about how heavy my purse was. Aside from normal purse items I have been carrying around several different medications and supplements that I don't want being abused. I had my son's Neurotin and my hubby's Concerta that I haven't taken back for disposal at the pharmacy , 2 bottles of 5-HTP and sometimes I have my son's other medications and even my own sleeping pills if I'm concerned about him being suicidal. My son had also cut up his Trazodone into quarters that he had in his jacket in a sandwich baggy that I took out yesterday and put in my purse for disposal at the pharmacy along with the Lithium. I can't imagine what explaining I would have to do to a police officer if he pulled me over and went through my purse! Do a urine test, blood test, hair sample test... I swear Officer I'm not abusing all these!
I have blogged before about how I get upset when I'm being told that my son's actions are behavioral. I have been trying to give this some serious thought and perhaps there is some truth in this observation. It would be nice if I could chalk up all my son's actions to schizophrenia and/or related disorders however that may not always be the case. There are confabulations or lies without the intention to deceive. My son outright tells lies and knows that he is lying. There is breaks with reality and delusional thinking. My son knows when he is manipulating people. Losing control while experiencing psychosis and symptoms. My son will threaten me with losing control when I don't give him what he wants. These things are behavioral and are things that he does have a choice in doing or not.
He is not liking that I won't buy him more cigarettes. When I told him that he should be grateful for what he is being provided his response was that he would be grateful for more... Somehow he missed the idea behind being grateful. Yesterday he started again about me buying him more tobacco for the tobacco pipe I got him for Christmas. Why did I get it for him if I wasn't going to buy him more tobacco? When I tried to talk and reply he cut me off and wouldn't let me talk. Then he went into how it is stronger tobacco and how it is furthering his addiction, all reasons that I have been telling him to be careful with it and not overdue it. So because I'm not buying him more then he is going to go through withdrawal, become cranky and I will have to deal with it... I had to laugh as I replied: Because your such a joy to be around now. He didn't like that and went out to smoke his pipe. This isn't schizophrenia or ADHD... It's my son trying to manipulate me. A side note to this is the tobacco I'm having to clean up after him where he is dumping his pipe all over the step and walkway coming into the building.
A little while later I said to him: This is why I want you in a group home because here you are just take, take, take and you give nothing in return. It's like you have no respect or consideration for anything or anyone. He looked me straight in the eyes and said: You're right, I don't. Yes I know. Just because you are my son and I love you that doesn't mean that I don't see.
He has asked about doing chores for money for tobacco... If he is capable of doing chores then he should be doing them and no I'm not going to pay him for doing them. Of course that means he won't do them or anything else for that matter because why should he do anything for anyone else? It must be hard for him to deal with people who don't think the sun shines out of his butt ;)
A worker from PACT dropped off more Invega yesterday. She had called my son before she came and let him know that she was on her way. When she showed up my son refused to even sit up on the sofa... When she left I told him that that was a little bit rude. My son is not above knowing or learning courtesy and manners. Someone was doing something for him and yes he should at least acknowledge it and put forth some effort to be polite. He said that it wasn't rude because he wasn't trying to be rude. I told him to remember that the next time he is accusing me of being rude because that is something I have never tried to be.
So we butted heads yesterday over him lying on the sofa all day. I have asked him repeatedly to not treat the living room like a bedroom. He needs to put forth some effort to do something, anything other then lying around doing nothing all day and then being up, keeping everyone else awake until all hours in the morning. The night before he kept waking my husband up until after 1:30 when he has to get up for work at 5. Last night it was until after 12.
My son tells me yesterday that he doesn't want to ever see me lying down on the sofa. Really! The fact that he even thinks that he is justified or has the right to tell me what I can or can not do with or on my furniture in my living room... Yes I know it's his living room too. Actually it's not. He's allowed to use because me and my hubby say that he can.
After dinner he starts again. How can he watch TV if he can't relax on the sofa? There is a difference between relaxing or reclining and all out lying down. Again I'm being told that I should let him rearrange the living room. No. Well he is not some dog that... I don't recall the rest of that. Finally I said to him that he is 20 years old and to stop acting like he is 5. Well he is going to act like he is 2 or 3 and have temper tantrums. That's fine, children who are having temper tantrums need to be in their room so please go there. No! My husband asked him to go to his room. No! If we want him to move then we will have to drag him off the sofa... Hubby and I went to our room as the living room was so full of his attitude that we didn't want to be there. Twenty minutes later guess where he is... In his room sitting on a bed that he says is a piece of shit, on a laptop that we bought using internet that we are paying for.
What irks me is this. Why are we the parents the ones that are providing the home and usually everything else, the ones that have to hide in our rooms? I think back to my own childhood. The idea of treating anything that my parents gave or provided me with, with such disrespect... Privacy? I never expected it as long as I was living under my parents roof. If I wanted to act and do as I pleased then I needed to move out. If I wanted respect then I had to give respect. I didn't get paid for chores. I did them because it was expected that I contribute. No negotiations. There was no expectations that my parents provide me with any luxuries. I certainly didn't think that I had the right to tell my parents what to do...
My son has no idea what it can be like out there in the real world. He has never been literally 'out on the street'. I have. I know what it's like to walk around most of the night, in the winter, not knowing where I was going to sleep and being hungry. I ended up on someone's dirty sofa, watching my 'friend' eat while my stomach growled. Trust me after one night I was thankful for the warm bed in my mother's house, for food to eat and yes even chores to do.
I know that this all has to stop. If my son was in active psychosis then I would not hold him accountable for his actions however he is stable enough to be held accountable. He is aware of what he is doing and saying. To be blunt, he is being a disrespectful self-indulgent brat and I'm done rewarding this behavior. I know that my husband should be able to get a reasonable night sleep for work. I have considered the idea of giving my husband my son's room. This may sound harsh but seriously... My son doesn't appreciate the bed as it's a piece of shit, he doesn't want to use the room except to masturbate or for privacy when calling his Nana, he wants to sleep and/or lie on the sofa in the living room 24/7.
I have some thinking to do...
Mom
BarbieBF
Monday, January 12, 2015
After Cold
Friday as I was sitting there with my winter boots on and a sweater shivering, headache, sore throat, chills, fever and legs aching so much they really hurt... I realized that I had been hit with that proverbial mac truck called a cold. Ontario Canada has been getting hit bad right now and apparently my lack of interaction with the outside world didn't save me from it!
Yesterday while out with hubby and being on Tylenol Cold medicine for two days I can't say that I was feeling that much better. We had to take the 'new' car for emission testing and I was driving. I have barely driven in years so my confidence is non-existent in that department right now. Something I need to work on. Get to drive again today and take it back as the emission test didn't pass or fail... Something about the computer needing time and mileage to reset. So hubby wanted to take it on the highway. I kinda flipped a bit, which I usually do when going on the highway is mentioned. Not exactly a rational reaction however I told him he might as well be telling me that he wanted me to jump off the CN Tower. Anyways I think we straightened it out that he is not to put me on the spot like that about driving. I just wasn't up for it with how my body was feeling between the cold and the medicine. Somewhat surreal?
My son did eventually come out of his room. Walked down the hall, stood there looking at me for a couple of seconds then did some sort of funky chicken movement, laid down on the floor and said: I think I just had a seizure. He didn't fall to the floor. He put himself there. Not sure what he was trying to accomplish with that as I'm pretty sure what I saw happen was no seizure.
I did disconnect the internet for how he talked to me. He asked me for how long? I figured since we were on the topic I delved into how/why I became a disgrace. Was it voices or what? Well he was thinking that the voices were a disgrace. Ok but how does that make me one? Could he not distinguish between me and the voices? Apparently not. I told him that I didn't find that reassuring as in my eyes that could make him just a step away from where he was when he hit his Nana if he can't tell what is reality. Every time I bring up what happened with his Nana or him threatening his sister he has a different reason for why it happened. It was the voices, it was torture, he was dying... Personally I'm not sure that he confused me with the voices. I think he perhaps said what the voices were telling him. Really neither one of those scenarios is reassuring.
He has been much calmer since that happened. I checked to see what dosage his Invega is and it is 6 mg. Hopefully it is working. My son is likely in 'make up' mode because he wants some things. He wants the internet back, most likely for his porn since he isn't doing anything else on the laptop. He wants different cigarettes since the ones he is now smoking don't 'hit his throat'. He also asked if I was going to buy him more tobacco for his pipe.
Once my son asked if my cold medicine would help with his after cold that he thinks he has even though he didn't have a cold. I guess part of him is recognizing that he is sick? I just said: No Hun, what is wrong is not a cold or flu. He said that it could be because he is off his Lithium. Yes it could be...
I am in a couple of groups and it's something that a lot of us struggle with, trying to find that balance between love, boundaries, self-doubt and guilt. I know over the weekend I felt guilty for not taking my son with hubby and I when we went to do some car stuff. Hubby nicely told my son when he asked to come that the answer was no because he didn't like how he had talked to his mom. I think we did the right thing however that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty about it. We did take him grocery shopping with us later that day and my son did bring in the groceries. The comparison that always goes through my head is that when our children where toddlers we didn't allow them to do certain things like stick their fingers in electrical outlets. We couldn't explain to them what electricity was or even expect to have a rational discussion about it however we still expected them to learn not to do it. There was also consequences to doing things they weren't supposed to do.
Now he is 20... There are still rules and he still has to learn what is appropriate and what isn't and what behaviors will not be tolerated or rewarded.
We had a bit of a discussion about his living options. I again told him that I think he needs to be in a group home and I don't think that I will allow him to move back to BC. I speak pretty frankly with my son and I let him know that he needs the difference environment so that he can't use peoples feelings against them and manipulate people. Sometimes he comes out with some obvious truths when we are having these discussions. I think it was when hubby asked him why he would want to go back to BC after everything we have all been through? Because he wants complete leniency and no rules. His words :).
He doesn't want to be alone... Yes that does pull at my heartstrings. At the same time though, one day I will not be here and that is when he will be alone. And that is when I will have truly failed him because I did not do my best to push him or believe in him that he is capable of leading a life that is so much more then what it is now. I have seen it so I know it is possible. I told him that with any parent child relationship that eventually the child moves out on their own but that doesn't mean the parent stops loving the child. I will always be his mom and I'm doing this because I love him. Because I choice to believe that he is more then schizophrenia and addiction. That he is capable of having a girl friend, a job, his own place and things that he has gained for himself that he can be proud of.
He spoke to me about a hole that he has in his stomach. I told him that I think this is negative symptoms of schizophrenia or addiction/withdrawal. How do we fix this? By being on the right medications so that he can get stable and then start filling his life with meaningful things. Not euphoric happiness like getting high as that is not real. The more things you have in your life that have meaning, the smaller the hole...
At one point he did ask he if needs to be on more anti-psychotics. I don't know and only time will tell. He did take an Olanzapine last night as well as his Invega when he went to bed around 10:30 and he slept until after 12 today.
Time for me to go and get ready to go take the car down... He just asked for the internet back and wants me to consider what happened as him being an idiot and having a temper tantrum that he only swore at me once. He may be right there that I only got swore at directly once and that is the consequences. One day for each offence...
Mom
BarbieBF
Yesterday while out with hubby and being on Tylenol Cold medicine for two days I can't say that I was feeling that much better. We had to take the 'new' car for emission testing and I was driving. I have barely driven in years so my confidence is non-existent in that department right now. Something I need to work on. Get to drive again today and take it back as the emission test didn't pass or fail... Something about the computer needing time and mileage to reset. So hubby wanted to take it on the highway. I kinda flipped a bit, which I usually do when going on the highway is mentioned. Not exactly a rational reaction however I told him he might as well be telling me that he wanted me to jump off the CN Tower. Anyways I think we straightened it out that he is not to put me on the spot like that about driving. I just wasn't up for it with how my body was feeling between the cold and the medicine. Somewhat surreal?
My son did eventually come out of his room. Walked down the hall, stood there looking at me for a couple of seconds then did some sort of funky chicken movement, laid down on the floor and said: I think I just had a seizure. He didn't fall to the floor. He put himself there. Not sure what he was trying to accomplish with that as I'm pretty sure what I saw happen was no seizure.
I did disconnect the internet for how he talked to me. He asked me for how long? I figured since we were on the topic I delved into how/why I became a disgrace. Was it voices or what? Well he was thinking that the voices were a disgrace. Ok but how does that make me one? Could he not distinguish between me and the voices? Apparently not. I told him that I didn't find that reassuring as in my eyes that could make him just a step away from where he was when he hit his Nana if he can't tell what is reality. Every time I bring up what happened with his Nana or him threatening his sister he has a different reason for why it happened. It was the voices, it was torture, he was dying... Personally I'm not sure that he confused me with the voices. I think he perhaps said what the voices were telling him. Really neither one of those scenarios is reassuring.
He has been much calmer since that happened. I checked to see what dosage his Invega is and it is 6 mg. Hopefully it is working. My son is likely in 'make up' mode because he wants some things. He wants the internet back, most likely for his porn since he isn't doing anything else on the laptop. He wants different cigarettes since the ones he is now smoking don't 'hit his throat'. He also asked if I was going to buy him more tobacco for his pipe.
Once my son asked if my cold medicine would help with his after cold that he thinks he has even though he didn't have a cold. I guess part of him is recognizing that he is sick? I just said: No Hun, what is wrong is not a cold or flu. He said that it could be because he is off his Lithium. Yes it could be...
I am in a couple of groups and it's something that a lot of us struggle with, trying to find that balance between love, boundaries, self-doubt and guilt. I know over the weekend I felt guilty for not taking my son with hubby and I when we went to do some car stuff. Hubby nicely told my son when he asked to come that the answer was no because he didn't like how he had talked to his mom. I think we did the right thing however that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty about it. We did take him grocery shopping with us later that day and my son did bring in the groceries. The comparison that always goes through my head is that when our children where toddlers we didn't allow them to do certain things like stick their fingers in electrical outlets. We couldn't explain to them what electricity was or even expect to have a rational discussion about it however we still expected them to learn not to do it. There was also consequences to doing things they weren't supposed to do.
Now he is 20... There are still rules and he still has to learn what is appropriate and what isn't and what behaviors will not be tolerated or rewarded.
We had a bit of a discussion about his living options. I again told him that I think he needs to be in a group home and I don't think that I will allow him to move back to BC. I speak pretty frankly with my son and I let him know that he needs the difference environment so that he can't use peoples feelings against them and manipulate people. Sometimes he comes out with some obvious truths when we are having these discussions. I think it was when hubby asked him why he would want to go back to BC after everything we have all been through? Because he wants complete leniency and no rules. His words :).
He doesn't want to be alone... Yes that does pull at my heartstrings. At the same time though, one day I will not be here and that is when he will be alone. And that is when I will have truly failed him because I did not do my best to push him or believe in him that he is capable of leading a life that is so much more then what it is now. I have seen it so I know it is possible. I told him that with any parent child relationship that eventually the child moves out on their own but that doesn't mean the parent stops loving the child. I will always be his mom and I'm doing this because I love him. Because I choice to believe that he is more then schizophrenia and addiction. That he is capable of having a girl friend, a job, his own place and things that he has gained for himself that he can be proud of.
He spoke to me about a hole that he has in his stomach. I told him that I think this is negative symptoms of schizophrenia or addiction/withdrawal. How do we fix this? By being on the right medications so that he can get stable and then start filling his life with meaningful things. Not euphoric happiness like getting high as that is not real. The more things you have in your life that have meaning, the smaller the hole...
At one point he did ask he if needs to be on more anti-psychotics. I don't know and only time will tell. He did take an Olanzapine last night as well as his Invega when he went to bed around 10:30 and he slept until after 12 today.
Time for me to go and get ready to go take the car down... He just asked for the internet back and wants me to consider what happened as him being an idiot and having a temper tantrum that he only swore at me once. He may be right there that I only got swore at directly once and that is the consequences. One day for each offence...
Mom
BarbieBF
Friday, January 9, 2015
A Disgrace
I had Dr. Phil on yesterday. I wasn't watching it but I did catch/hear a couple of sentences that got to me and reminded me why I don't watch these shows. A mom got put on the spot when they highlighted one of her blog entries that she said she hated her son that day. My reaction was empathy. I can imagine what the listening audience's reaction was... At the end of the show was asked to take down her blog.
This blog for me has been a life saver. Without it I would probably have ended up on medications a long time ago in order to deal with the stress and anxiety of taking care of my son. It's my place to vent. To get my emotions and thoughts out. No right or wrong. And yes sometimes I hate my son... Not who he is underneath all of the symptoms of schizophrenia, ADHD, ODD and what have you but the symptoms, attitudes and just plane old bullshit that I sometimes have to deal with that at times make up who my son is and yes I hate it. Like right now...
I only caught the tail end of this little rant. "This is my fucking house. I'm not a fucking disgrace like you." (Only the first couple of seconds - the rest is silence)
Yes today I'm a disgrace because I won't take him over to his friend's to drink and get high. I also won't buy him more cigarettes when he already has a carton. Oh and I won't agree to the purchase of a $300 tablet or something for his birthday.
Yesterday my son was all of a sudden being nice... His tone completely changed to that I want something tone. He let me know that his WOW subscription had expired and why did I get it for him if I wasn't going to keep paying for it? Then last night he wakes me up to ask about me helping to pay for a present... Even in my half sleep state my mind registered there must be something up. He wouldn't be asking so nicely or commenting 'That was easy' when I first said yes I would think about it. Same with the cigarettes. As soon as I said no to more cigarettes, his whole tone, body language changed to swearing and telling me what a disgrace I am. I couldn't even look at his face and had to look away as his face was... ugly.
These are the cold hard facts of what it is to deal with some forms of mental illness. It's not pretty or wrapped up all nice in a pink bow. It's ugly and it's hateful and it's enough to make anyone want to run for the hills. As parents and caregivers we are supposed to be compassionate, empathetic, sympathetic and understand that when our loved ones lash out, it's not them - it's the illness. No judgments. Guess what? We are only human too and we have feelings and those feelings get hurt and trampled on daily. Our basic human rights to be treated with even the minimum amount of respect and courtesy are null and void. Our homes that we are responsible for are being taken over by temper tantrums, mood swings and psychotic behaviors. We do everything in our power to do the right thing. To love with boundaries. To keep them stable and safe, sometimes to our own detriment and harm.
On the Dr. Phil show this mom was being told, I think by her sister? that her son's problems was a parenting issue. Like I said I wasn't really watching it, only hearing certain sentences so I could have heard this incorrectly. However it won't be the first or the last time that I have heard this. Family members, friends or perhaps even strangers that think that they could do it better.
I can only say to anyone that doesn't understand the horror, the heartache, the hurt and pain, the guilt and yes even the hate that is not without a broken heart full of love... Come into my home. Walk in my shoes. When my son is standing over you (he's about 6 feet tall, weighs about 180 pounds and is muscular), full of rage that you did nothing to provoke, refusing the medications that keep him stable because they are poison and affected his libido, threatening you with violence because you dared to say no... I'm open to suggestions. Because right now I don't know what to do.
I know that my son is currently not sick enough, not psychotic enough to be involuntarily admitted.
Schizophrenia.com - Recommended First Aid for Schizophrenia and Psychosis
CAMH - Creating a crisis plan
Treatment Advocacy Center - Psych Crisis Resource Kit
They are wonderful guidelines... Currently rereading and going through them now and updating medical information.
After his outburst that I didn't respond to he went to his room. I'm sitting here with these wonderful thoughts going through my head: Is he in their stewing? Is he suicidal? Is he just lying there listening to his voices? Is he going to eventually come out and apologize that he wasn't in control or come out still raging? Yes I know that he isn't in control. That would be why I'm sitting here with my boots on and my cell phone in my lap, just in case.
He did take the oral Invega last night however didn't take any Olanzapine.
Yes it is a disgrace. A disgrace that I need to choose between my son or my own safety. A disgrace that there is no where to go or so few housing resources available for my son (if he would even use them). A disgrace that no matter how much I give, it is never enough. And if I stop giving... A disgrace that schizophrenia has yet again buried my son somewhere within itself.
Credit to Understanding Schizophrenia - Poem
Mom
BarbieBF
This blog for me has been a life saver. Without it I would probably have ended up on medications a long time ago in order to deal with the stress and anxiety of taking care of my son. It's my place to vent. To get my emotions and thoughts out. No right or wrong. And yes sometimes I hate my son... Not who he is underneath all of the symptoms of schizophrenia, ADHD, ODD and what have you but the symptoms, attitudes and just plane old bullshit that I sometimes have to deal with that at times make up who my son is and yes I hate it. Like right now...
I only caught the tail end of this little rant. "This is my fucking house. I'm not a fucking disgrace like you." (Only the first couple of seconds - the rest is silence)
Yes today I'm a disgrace because I won't take him over to his friend's to drink and get high. I also won't buy him more cigarettes when he already has a carton. Oh and I won't agree to the purchase of a $300 tablet or something for his birthday.
Yesterday my son was all of a sudden being nice... His tone completely changed to that I want something tone. He let me know that his WOW subscription had expired and why did I get it for him if I wasn't going to keep paying for it? Then last night he wakes me up to ask about me helping to pay for a present... Even in my half sleep state my mind registered there must be something up. He wouldn't be asking so nicely or commenting 'That was easy' when I first said yes I would think about it. Same with the cigarettes. As soon as I said no to more cigarettes, his whole tone, body language changed to swearing and telling me what a disgrace I am. I couldn't even look at his face and had to look away as his face was... ugly.
These are the cold hard facts of what it is to deal with some forms of mental illness. It's not pretty or wrapped up all nice in a pink bow. It's ugly and it's hateful and it's enough to make anyone want to run for the hills. As parents and caregivers we are supposed to be compassionate, empathetic, sympathetic and understand that when our loved ones lash out, it's not them - it's the illness. No judgments. Guess what? We are only human too and we have feelings and those feelings get hurt and trampled on daily. Our basic human rights to be treated with even the minimum amount of respect and courtesy are null and void. Our homes that we are responsible for are being taken over by temper tantrums, mood swings and psychotic behaviors. We do everything in our power to do the right thing. To love with boundaries. To keep them stable and safe, sometimes to our own detriment and harm.
On the Dr. Phil show this mom was being told, I think by her sister? that her son's problems was a parenting issue. Like I said I wasn't really watching it, only hearing certain sentences so I could have heard this incorrectly. However it won't be the first or the last time that I have heard this. Family members, friends or perhaps even strangers that think that they could do it better.
I can only say to anyone that doesn't understand the horror, the heartache, the hurt and pain, the guilt and yes even the hate that is not without a broken heart full of love... Come into my home. Walk in my shoes. When my son is standing over you (he's about 6 feet tall, weighs about 180 pounds and is muscular), full of rage that you did nothing to provoke, refusing the medications that keep him stable because they are poison and affected his libido, threatening you with violence because you dared to say no... I'm open to suggestions. Because right now I don't know what to do.
I know that my son is currently not sick enough, not psychotic enough to be involuntarily admitted.
Schizophrenia.com - Recommended First Aid for Schizophrenia and Psychosis
CAMH - Creating a crisis plan
Treatment Advocacy Center - Psych Crisis Resource Kit
They are wonderful guidelines... Currently rereading and going through them now and updating medical information.
After his outburst that I didn't respond to he went to his room. I'm sitting here with these wonderful thoughts going through my head: Is he in their stewing? Is he suicidal? Is he just lying there listening to his voices? Is he going to eventually come out and apologize that he wasn't in control or come out still raging? Yes I know that he isn't in control. That would be why I'm sitting here with my boots on and my cell phone in my lap, just in case.
He did take the oral Invega last night however didn't take any Olanzapine.
Yes it is a disgrace. A disgrace that I need to choose between my son or my own safety. A disgrace that there is no where to go or so few housing resources available for my son (if he would even use them). A disgrace that no matter how much I give, it is never enough. And if I stop giving... A disgrace that schizophrenia has yet again buried my son somewhere within itself.
Credit to Understanding Schizophrenia - Poem
Mom
BarbieBF
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Another waiting game
I think it's just a matter of time before my son is inpatient again.
He has been off the Lithium for five days and off Trazodone for four days and it's been four days since his Invega shot was due. He has been taken his Olanzapine at night.
I don't know why or what instigated him just asking me this however he just asked me if I still had his knives. He hasn't asked or spoken about them since September so I'm pretty leery about why he is asking for them now. It honestly sucks when you don't know if you should be afraid of your own son or not. I tense when he walks behind me. *breathe* He is cutting his Trazodone pills into four pieces, he said it is so that he doesn't take too much. I said no to having his knives. His response was that I need to compensate him for them. Consider them compensation for the plane tickets and everything else that I have been paying for for the past month or so. The standard, default answer to kick him out... I told him that I wasn't going to have that conversation so he replied that maybe he should take away my computer.
So here I am, not saying anything because to respond or try to be rational with him at this point is pretty useless. I think my nerves are shot. For the past three days? he has been doing very little. I don't know why, if he is doing it on purpose or not, however I can hear him breathing from across the room. Or wheezing may be a better word, breathing through his nose. Yes it's my nerves, because seriously, listening to it is very much getting on them. I think I made the mistake of asking him one day if he was doing it on purpose. If it bothers me my son is will do it...
Another mistake I may have made was try to discuss with him why he wanted to go off the Lithium. Since he lives with me I know how much time he spends masturbating which he very much likes to do and I have noticed that since on the Invega Sustenna that it had basically stopped (a possible side-affect). So I asked him if the reason he wanted off the Lithium was because he thought that it might be causing this even though he has been on it for two years with no issue. I told him that it's the not Lithium causing this, that is was probably the Invega. Yah, not that smart of me. Granted it may not have made a difference one way or the other as once my son gets it in his head to do something there doesn't appear to be anything I can do to stop him.
Yesterday I walked by his room and he was masturbating with his door open. I think he was at it for a good twenty minutes. Other then to watch porn he has not been on the laptop for probably a week now.
If you were to ask my son how he is doing? He would say good, that he has been relaxing, watching TV and going to bed reasonably. The truth is a bit different. If he is sitting/lying in the living room with the TV on than he will say that he is watching TV. He isn't. Ask him what he is watching or what it is about? I only have basic cable now and the weather channel can't be that entertaining for hours at a time ;) Relaxing... Heavy breathing while he is lost in his own head-space as I call it. Going to bed... Sometime between 1-3 when I get up and interrupt him 'relaxing' or ask him to go to bed. It took me about three days to get him in the shower as it had been over two weeks. Finally succeeded as with hubby's help we made it shower day for everyone!
He is eating dinner and snacking so that is good. He hasn't lost his appetite although I can see it starting to slip some. I can tell based on the number of messes that I'm having to pick up. Putting the water jug back in the fridge or anything else after using it is not currently a part of his reality. I did tell him yesterday that if he has the energy to masturbate for twenty minutes then he should have enough energy to pick up a piece of garbage. Considering the amount of 'exercise' he can get doing this, he should be doing all the heavy lifting around here ;)
I just had a conversation with him about the conversation that I had with his Nana last. I had no idea that he has apparently been calling her for weeks about going out there, that there is a lot of yelling going on here and that he doesn't like my hubby... According to my son he hasn't been saying any of this. He did acknowledge that being able to masturbate may be why he wanted off the medications that he does like to do it. He doesn't want to be sick however he does want to do this and he does like psychosis.
I had talked to him on Tuesday about the fact that I had been accepted for the townhouse. Yah! And that I didn't think that I wanted him to move with me under the current circumstance. I went over the contract that he signed with me stating that he has not been doing anything that he agreed on. It was my fault for not reminding him or making him do these things and that he has his own problems to deal with. When I asked what those problems were I got told that they were none of my business. The conversation pretty much ended there.
Like I just told my son, if he wants to be psychotic that is his choice. He still has to accept responsibility for his own life, his schizophrenia and the choices that he is making. I'm not going to pretend like it's not there or that he is not being delusional in his thinking or that the road he is choosing to go down is one that I will support. I will not support him manipulating me or his Nana and causing conflicts between us that are not helping anyone including him. He wants to run away and bury himself in marijuana and/or alcohol. Last night he wanted to go to his friends. I checked his messages this morning and they had been discussing having a couple of beers. One message was: About the drinking thing did you mean tonight? Marijuana has usually been a part of these scenarios.
Again he asked about me not taking my portion of his disability check when he gets it. How is he supposed to get his own place without money? First he has to put forth an effort to get a place. Why would I agree to hand him over money for a place to live when he isn't even trying to find one? We all know where that money well go. Besides if he goes into a group home than disability will pay the group home directly so he won't have to worry about it. He needs to work with PACT and disability to make this happen.
His case worker should be here shortly. She apparently has oral Invega for him. Maybe if he had this 2-3 weeks ago we wouldn't be here? That could be wishful thinking on my part :). Not sure who is paying for them however I told her that I can't. She has been in contact with disability and is giving them a hard time about the drug card. My son said that he will discuss medications with her when she arrives. Guess where he is again? ;)
It looks like we have bought a car! Did I tell you that the motor is going, again, in our car? I had to transfer $1300 from my line of credit today to pay for the car and it's safety etc. Our rent will be going up over $400 a month plus heat which is electric. My son said to me yesterday: Since you are moving and will have more money can you buy me a plane ticket? Hrm... Laugh, cry... anxiety meds!? :) I took a sleeping pill the night before last and it did nothing. Last night I took another which I don't usually do as they can be very addicting but I slept for over four hours! Score one for me :)
His case worker just left. He has agreed to 'try' the oral Invega but will stop them if he doesn't think they are working. He is ok with the side affects of not taking or going off medications cold turkey. She gave him a one week supply of samples so hopefully by next week the disability/drug card thing will be straightened out. He tried to tell her that his Nana is buying him a plane ticket so that he doesn't have to be in a shelter again. Grrr... I'm not sending him to a shelter right now. It's not an all or nothing situation or at least it shouldn't be. I said no that Nana is not buying him a ticket right now. He then agreed to sign forms for a group home. It's ridiculous that he thinks well enough to play on Nana's emotions like this yet can't think to put away a water jug. I asked her to check into the one that has less restrictions and he doesn't have to be out Mon-Fri 9-?. Still onsite support every day just not 24/7.
I guess I should go and perhaps message his friend since my son just brought up going over there to drink. He deserves it... I told him that alcohol and marijuana well probably have him in the hospital by Saturday. It's a sin for me to put him in the hospital you know? I'm not putting him in the hospital, he is putting himself there so he needs to discuss this sin with himself!
Mom
BarbieBF
He has been off the Lithium for five days and off Trazodone for four days and it's been four days since his Invega shot was due. He has been taken his Olanzapine at night.
I don't know why or what instigated him just asking me this however he just asked me if I still had his knives. He hasn't asked or spoken about them since September so I'm pretty leery about why he is asking for them now. It honestly sucks when you don't know if you should be afraid of your own son or not. I tense when he walks behind me. *breathe* He is cutting his Trazodone pills into four pieces, he said it is so that he doesn't take too much. I said no to having his knives. His response was that I need to compensate him for them. Consider them compensation for the plane tickets and everything else that I have been paying for for the past month or so. The standard, default answer to kick him out... I told him that I wasn't going to have that conversation so he replied that maybe he should take away my computer.
So here I am, not saying anything because to respond or try to be rational with him at this point is pretty useless. I think my nerves are shot. For the past three days? he has been doing very little. I don't know why, if he is doing it on purpose or not, however I can hear him breathing from across the room. Or wheezing may be a better word, breathing through his nose. Yes it's my nerves, because seriously, listening to it is very much getting on them. I think I made the mistake of asking him one day if he was doing it on purpose. If it bothers me my son is will do it...
Another mistake I may have made was try to discuss with him why he wanted to go off the Lithium. Since he lives with me I know how much time he spends masturbating which he very much likes to do and I have noticed that since on the Invega Sustenna that it had basically stopped (a possible side-affect). So I asked him if the reason he wanted off the Lithium was because he thought that it might be causing this even though he has been on it for two years with no issue. I told him that it's the not Lithium causing this, that is was probably the Invega. Yah, not that smart of me. Granted it may not have made a difference one way or the other as once my son gets it in his head to do something there doesn't appear to be anything I can do to stop him.
Yesterday I walked by his room and he was masturbating with his door open. I think he was at it for a good twenty minutes. Other then to watch porn he has not been on the laptop for probably a week now.
If you were to ask my son how he is doing? He would say good, that he has been relaxing, watching TV and going to bed reasonably. The truth is a bit different. If he is sitting/lying in the living room with the TV on than he will say that he is watching TV. He isn't. Ask him what he is watching or what it is about? I only have basic cable now and the weather channel can't be that entertaining for hours at a time ;) Relaxing... Heavy breathing while he is lost in his own head-space as I call it. Going to bed... Sometime between 1-3 when I get up and interrupt him 'relaxing' or ask him to go to bed. It took me about three days to get him in the shower as it had been over two weeks. Finally succeeded as with hubby's help we made it shower day for everyone!
He is eating dinner and snacking so that is good. He hasn't lost his appetite although I can see it starting to slip some. I can tell based on the number of messes that I'm having to pick up. Putting the water jug back in the fridge or anything else after using it is not currently a part of his reality. I did tell him yesterday that if he has the energy to masturbate for twenty minutes then he should have enough energy to pick up a piece of garbage. Considering the amount of 'exercise' he can get doing this, he should be doing all the heavy lifting around here ;)
I just had a conversation with him about the conversation that I had with his Nana last. I had no idea that he has apparently been calling her for weeks about going out there, that there is a lot of yelling going on here and that he doesn't like my hubby... According to my son he hasn't been saying any of this. He did acknowledge that being able to masturbate may be why he wanted off the medications that he does like to do it. He doesn't want to be sick however he does want to do this and he does like psychosis.
I had talked to him on Tuesday about the fact that I had been accepted for the townhouse. Yah! And that I didn't think that I wanted him to move with me under the current circumstance. I went over the contract that he signed with me stating that he has not been doing anything that he agreed on. It was my fault for not reminding him or making him do these things and that he has his own problems to deal with. When I asked what those problems were I got told that they were none of my business. The conversation pretty much ended there.
Like I just told my son, if he wants to be psychotic that is his choice. He still has to accept responsibility for his own life, his schizophrenia and the choices that he is making. I'm not going to pretend like it's not there or that he is not being delusional in his thinking or that the road he is choosing to go down is one that I will support. I will not support him manipulating me or his Nana and causing conflicts between us that are not helping anyone including him. He wants to run away and bury himself in marijuana and/or alcohol. Last night he wanted to go to his friends. I checked his messages this morning and they had been discussing having a couple of beers. One message was: About the drinking thing did you mean tonight? Marijuana has usually been a part of these scenarios.
Again he asked about me not taking my portion of his disability check when he gets it. How is he supposed to get his own place without money? First he has to put forth an effort to get a place. Why would I agree to hand him over money for a place to live when he isn't even trying to find one? We all know where that money well go. Besides if he goes into a group home than disability will pay the group home directly so he won't have to worry about it. He needs to work with PACT and disability to make this happen.
His case worker should be here shortly. She apparently has oral Invega for him. Maybe if he had this 2-3 weeks ago we wouldn't be here? That could be wishful thinking on my part :). Not sure who is paying for them however I told her that I can't. She has been in contact with disability and is giving them a hard time about the drug card. My son said that he will discuss medications with her when she arrives. Guess where he is again? ;)
It looks like we have bought a car! Did I tell you that the motor is going, again, in our car? I had to transfer $1300 from my line of credit today to pay for the car and it's safety etc. Our rent will be going up over $400 a month plus heat which is electric. My son said to me yesterday: Since you are moving and will have more money can you buy me a plane ticket? Hrm... Laugh, cry... anxiety meds!? :) I took a sleeping pill the night before last and it did nothing. Last night I took another which I don't usually do as they can be very addicting but I slept for over four hours! Score one for me :)
His case worker just left. He has agreed to 'try' the oral Invega but will stop them if he doesn't think they are working. He is ok with the side affects of not taking or going off medications cold turkey. She gave him a one week supply of samples so hopefully by next week the disability/drug card thing will be straightened out. He tried to tell her that his Nana is buying him a plane ticket so that he doesn't have to be in a shelter again. Grrr... I'm not sending him to a shelter right now. It's not an all or nothing situation or at least it shouldn't be. I said no that Nana is not buying him a ticket right now. He then agreed to sign forms for a group home. It's ridiculous that he thinks well enough to play on Nana's emotions like this yet can't think to put away a water jug. I asked her to check into the one that has less restrictions and he doesn't have to be out Mon-Fri 9-?. Still onsite support every day just not 24/7.
I guess I should go and perhaps message his friend since my son just brought up going over there to drink. He deserves it... I told him that alcohol and marijuana well probably have him in the hospital by Saturday. It's a sin for me to put him in the hospital you know? I'm not putting him in the hospital, he is putting himself there so he needs to discuss this sin with himself!
Mom
BarbieBF
Monday, January 5, 2015
Some days I want to....
Do I need a therapist? Anti-depressants? To change how I think? Or just a short vacation from my life? Perhaps just a short vacation. Personally I don't believe in anti-depressants for myself as I feel that if there is something about my life that is making me depressed, that can be changed, then I need to change my life. The problem is that it is not my life or choices that is making me want to bury my head in the sand.
Hubby called and asked if he was supposed to use the credit card for what he was picking up. Yes... The car we looking at buying is currently in the shop being looked over to see what needs to be done... I'm really hoping to hear today if we have been approved for the townhouse...
My son's nurse called this morning. Did you pick up his Invega shot? No I didn't and I don't have $700 plus to pick it up with. There are moments where I'm at war with my own feelings as I can tell you where I would like to send the bills and receipts for what my adult son is costing us, out of pocket, yet again. I didn't make the decisions to put us in this situation...
I called disability again this morning and I actually got a call back! They faxed, I think she said on December 24, a formal request to the office out in British Columbia (BC) asking for information on his file out there. She can't proceed until she hears back from them. I also have tried calling BC (kept getting disconnected) and emailed them. The second email directly to the office he was registered with. I shouldn't be the one dealing with this...
I have no problem with accepting responsibility for my own actions and choices. I have no problem with dealing with the consequences of things that I have done wrong. I am having a problem with being responsible for and dealing with the consequences of other peoples choices.
From day to day I don't know if my daughter is going to be staying where she is or moving back with me. She is 19 making adult choices when she really needs to be parented. I can't parent her from across the country and the parental figures closest to her are seriously dropping the ball as far as I'm concerned. She is being given way to much rope to hang herself with... Honestly I'm mad at myself for not bringing her back with me when I went to get my son. Good or bad I would have dealt with the consequences of that choice. Instead I allowed others to decide and they have not followed through or taken responsibility for that decision.
Back to my son. Last night he again refused his Lithium as well as his Trazodone. I don't think he slept very well or even very much. When I checked on him early this morning he didn't respond to me being in his room however both of his feet were going... He also got up early. None of these are good signs from my son as it means he didn't go into a deep sleep, if he even slept. What is he doing today? Nothing... Just lying on the sofa. When his nurse called he talked to her and let her know that he is refusing to take the Invega injection. I think she tried to talk to him about coming off the Lithium, that he needs to wean himself off it, which he agreed. Of course he agreed. As far as he is concerned he has already weaned himself off it since he has gone two days without it and in his eyes is doing fine without it. I asked him today if he would be willing to go back on the Clozapine as I told his nurse that he had previously told his psychiatrist that he would so maybe we should consider it. Today he is saying no to the Clozapine. I think his treatment will be discussing his case tomorrow.
I can't see my son maintaining or even staying remotely stable on only 10 mg of Olanzapine. Him laughing out loud for no reason had started to go away when he was taking Olanzapine during the day as well as at night. Today I heard it again.
So can I be like the ostrich in the picture? I don't know... There is the mom in me that is saying no however there is a part of me that is saying yes... When I decided to have children I did not forfeit my own life. I can love them, try my best to parent them however there comes a time when they need to be responsible for choices that they are making. All my worrying is not going to change those choices or even the consequences.
Mom
BarbieBF
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Who wants to be depressed?
How do you rationally talk to someone who is being irrational? I guess you don't...
If I could get inside my son's head for 5 minutes and try to figure out what he is thinking or what is motivating his behavior... I have some ideas based on what I know of my son so far.
2 nights ago he got it into his head that it was unfair of me to expect him to sit on the small sofa or love-seat so that hubby and I could have the big sofa. He has rights you know? Yes so do we. Hubby and I did vacate the living room and spent some time in our bedroom partially due to this and partially due to the fact that the power had gone out so we just went to our room. When the power came back on and we were able to get the movie we were watching back on, it was several times asking very nicely, please can you move to the other sofa? According to my son the love-seat is uncomfortable. To clarify the love-seat and the big sofa are the same set and in fact the big sofa is harder and more worn out then the love-seat. He finally agreed to move but wanted to rearrange the living room furniture because of it. I said no and that when he has his own place and his own furniture he can decide where he wants it and who sets were. He won't be inviting me to his place. Honestly I found this somewhat humorous so my tone was light when I responded and told him to remember that when he is calling me with: Mom I have no money. Mom I can't pay my bills or Mom I'm hungry... Off he went to call his Nana...
Later that night, around 12, he was taking a part one of my bookshelves, taking my mouse-pad for my computer and just overall making a racket in his room since his floor is a mess and he can't walk in there without walking on stuff. All this so he could play on his laptop in bed. I think he is playing World of Warcraft again which is good however I will get back to that...
Yesterday, I thought, was a pretty good day. He spend the day in the living room with hubby and I watching movies and going for smokes with us. Once we asked him to walk to the store with us however he didn't see the point in going since I said I wasn't going to spend any money... Hubby had won some free Lotto tickets.
Last night when I saw that he had gone to bed and not taking his pills, I took the dish into him. I'm not taking the Lithium... I tried to talk him into taking half of it as stopping it like that may cause him to get too depressed or even suicidal considering he is not ok right now. He said that he wants to be depressed. I tried... but like I said: How do you rationally talk to someone who is being irrational? He told me to take them. Well I don't have a chemical imbalance of too much dopamine in my brain so I don't need them. He is not a robot... No and these pills would not work on a robot because robots don't have dopamine but he does because he is human. Since I have such a problem with this then I should fix it... That's what I'm trying to do. I told him that what he is saying isn't logical. I have never heard anyone say that they wanted to be depressed. How is he going to take care of himself when he is living in the shared townhouse living that he wants if he is too depressed to take care of himself. That's another thing... He needs a shower. I could smell him from 3-4 feet away. He says that is ok that there is nothing wrong with the smell of BO (body odor). I gave up and went to bed.
Now, today, he is refusing his Olanzapine as well. He has been taking one when he gets up for the past 2 days since I know that he needs it due to the Invega wearing off and it has been helping. Now today... It's a PRN (as needed) and he doesn't need it. I said to him: Can you please explain to me what is going on in your head because I don't understand why you want to be sick? Why do I care so much? Because I love you and I give a crap about your mental health. Oh well, I'm not taking it.
I'm wondering if his wanting to be depressed could have anything to do with him playing World of Warcraft again. His subscription will be running out soon. When I bought the upgrade as an early Christmas present and paid for the monthly subscription it was under two conditions. One he not spend the little money he had on alcohol and two that he was to pay me back for the monthly subscription the following day. Well he didn't pay me back and the money did go on alcohol. He is aware that I cancelled the subscription from charging my credit card again this month. Only time will tell but if I here: Mom I'm depressed so I need you to buy... I'm not saying my son doesn't think that he has experienced depression however I'm pretty sure he has no idea what long-term depression really feels like. Not being euphorically or intensely happy is not depressed. Not being hyper is not depressed. Being bored is not depressed.
My daughter called this morning... Mom I need money... Mom doesn't have any money... I think it's long past time for this to start being a reality for someone other then me and my hubby. The motor is gone in our car, again... I won't rant about this as really in the end it's for me to start putting my foot down and saying no. I'm not mad at my daughter... My love is free but it's time to start looking elsewhere for money.
I need a shower and hubby is home so I'm off...
Mom
BarbieBF
If I could get inside my son's head for 5 minutes and try to figure out what he is thinking or what is motivating his behavior... I have some ideas based on what I know of my son so far.
2 nights ago he got it into his head that it was unfair of me to expect him to sit on the small sofa or love-seat so that hubby and I could have the big sofa. He has rights you know? Yes so do we. Hubby and I did vacate the living room and spent some time in our bedroom partially due to this and partially due to the fact that the power had gone out so we just went to our room. When the power came back on and we were able to get the movie we were watching back on, it was several times asking very nicely, please can you move to the other sofa? According to my son the love-seat is uncomfortable. To clarify the love-seat and the big sofa are the same set and in fact the big sofa is harder and more worn out then the love-seat. He finally agreed to move but wanted to rearrange the living room furniture because of it. I said no and that when he has his own place and his own furniture he can decide where he wants it and who sets were. He won't be inviting me to his place. Honestly I found this somewhat humorous so my tone was light when I responded and told him to remember that when he is calling me with: Mom I have no money. Mom I can't pay my bills or Mom I'm hungry... Off he went to call his Nana...
Later that night, around 12, he was taking a part one of my bookshelves, taking my mouse-pad for my computer and just overall making a racket in his room since his floor is a mess and he can't walk in there without walking on stuff. All this so he could play on his laptop in bed. I think he is playing World of Warcraft again which is good however I will get back to that...
Yesterday, I thought, was a pretty good day. He spend the day in the living room with hubby and I watching movies and going for smokes with us. Once we asked him to walk to the store with us however he didn't see the point in going since I said I wasn't going to spend any money... Hubby had won some free Lotto tickets.
Last night when I saw that he had gone to bed and not taking his pills, I took the dish into him. I'm not taking the Lithium... I tried to talk him into taking half of it as stopping it like that may cause him to get too depressed or even suicidal considering he is not ok right now. He said that he wants to be depressed. I tried... but like I said: How do you rationally talk to someone who is being irrational? He told me to take them. Well I don't have a chemical imbalance of too much dopamine in my brain so I don't need them. He is not a robot... No and these pills would not work on a robot because robots don't have dopamine but he does because he is human. Since I have such a problem with this then I should fix it... That's what I'm trying to do. I told him that what he is saying isn't logical. I have never heard anyone say that they wanted to be depressed. How is he going to take care of himself when he is living in the shared townhouse living that he wants if he is too depressed to take care of himself. That's another thing... He needs a shower. I could smell him from 3-4 feet away. He says that is ok that there is nothing wrong with the smell of BO (body odor). I gave up and went to bed.
Now, today, he is refusing his Olanzapine as well. He has been taking one when he gets up for the past 2 days since I know that he needs it due to the Invega wearing off and it has been helping. Now today... It's a PRN (as needed) and he doesn't need it. I said to him: Can you please explain to me what is going on in your head because I don't understand why you want to be sick? Why do I care so much? Because I love you and I give a crap about your mental health. Oh well, I'm not taking it.
I'm wondering if his wanting to be depressed could have anything to do with him playing World of Warcraft again. His subscription will be running out soon. When I bought the upgrade as an early Christmas present and paid for the monthly subscription it was under two conditions. One he not spend the little money he had on alcohol and two that he was to pay me back for the monthly subscription the following day. Well he didn't pay me back and the money did go on alcohol. He is aware that I cancelled the subscription from charging my credit card again this month. Only time will tell but if I here: Mom I'm depressed so I need you to buy... I'm not saying my son doesn't think that he has experienced depression however I'm pretty sure he has no idea what long-term depression really feels like. Not being euphorically or intensely happy is not depressed. Not being hyper is not depressed. Being bored is not depressed.
My daughter called this morning... Mom I need money... Mom doesn't have any money... I think it's long past time for this to start being a reality for someone other then me and my hubby. The motor is gone in our car, again... I won't rant about this as really in the end it's for me to start putting my foot down and saying no. I'm not mad at my daughter... My love is free but it's time to start looking elsewhere for money.
I need a shower and hubby is home so I'm off...
Mom
BarbieBF
Friday, January 2, 2015
Hello 2015! CBT and Mindfullness
Happy New Year!
Above picture credit to: freedesignfile.com
I can't say that 2015 rolled in with a bang... It quietly arrived without a lot of fanfare, bringing with it some old and some new.
I don't recall if I mentioned this before but for Christmas hubby and I decided our present to each other would be our wedding bands. He wanted to get me a new engagement ring and since we are legally common-law I thought: Why not go one step further and get the whole set? I'm sure one day we will say our vows but for right now I wanted a ring on his finger too!
We have managed to get over our disagreement. Actually I would have to say that hubby has managed to surprise me. After a day of us not talking and my son starting to question what was wrong, I started a conversation with my hubby about what happened. Since then my hubby has been doing some reading. One book had been recommended to us as a form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) at home. Mind Over Mood: Change how you feel by changing the way you think. The other book is one we got awhile ago. Mindfulness for Dummies. He has been reading both of them! I have some catch up reading to do as over the past week I have been hearing a lot of: This is in the book... as he is doing things like cleaning the kitchen and talking to me alone about what is happening with my son instead of putting his foot in his mouth ;) or letting anger guide him.
'Mind Over Mood' I did start to read when we first got it and I was impressed with what I read. One of the first exercises gives you a situation and three different ways to look at it and right away you can see how our thoughts can determine how we feel or respond to something. The situation on the outside doesn't change but if you change how you 'think' then you change how you feel and therefor how you behave in response. I did spend some time discussing this chapter with my hubby and used myself as an example. I think that I have to a certain degree been using CBT for awhile now. I changed how I thought about my own parents. I could continue to blame them for everything that is wrong with me or my life or I could change how I thought about them. By changing this all my anger and resentment fell away. Instead I saw reasons to have compassion and empathy for them. My childhood didn't change... My thoughts did. As each scenario that has shaped you into who you are is looked at just a little differently... without the anger, the resentment, the judgement... Well it can be pretty powerful. I can say that I'm more then pleasantly surprised and impressed with the change that I am seeing in my husband. Reading 'Mindfulness for Dummies' is helping him to get a better understanding of the here and now and what he is currently feeling which will help better understand 'Mind Over Mood'.
He upped his Cipralex back to 20 mg. Yesterday he decided to go back on the Adderall. Even though we think that it caused the hives, the only way to tell for sure is to go back on and see if it happens again. Now that he his reading these books he feels confident in having better coping skills or ways of thinking and is going to drop back to 15 mg of Cipralex. He is doing all this on his own! Aside from the medication changes which I'm not sure how his doctor will react... I'm impressed! He is being pro-active and taking charge of his own feelings and working on changing them.
We have both discussed some of this in front of my son... You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. My husband wants to change and is willing to take steps to make that change... My son is a different story.
While the above changes with my husband gives me a lot of hope for 2015 and is the new that I referred to before. The old... is my son...
Yesterday started what looks like may be the beginning of another relapse. If I can even call it a relapse since really he hasn't, in my opinion, gained the stability that I know is possible. The Olanzapine has been helping however the Invega seems to be leaving his system, again. He is due for his next shot in 3 days, on Monday. I wasn't thinking about this yesterday when my son first started talking about wanting to go off some of his medications. I'm not sure why his Lithium, after being on it for two years, has suddenly become a problem for him. Like I said I wasn't thinking... My initial reaction to him saying that he wanted to go off medications was to remind him that he had signed an agreement with me to be medication compliant as a condition to living here. That I can't force him to take medications, that is his choice however I don't think it's fair to ask me to watch him relapse and go back into psychosis or become depressed by choice from not taking this Lithium. He needs to talk to his treatment team if he wants to make medication changes as coming completely off the Lithium like that without slowly decreasing can cause him to plummet into a depression that doesn't need to happen.
It wasn't until I heard him on the phone with his Nana and while trying to discuss this with him, that signs of what I call psychosis talk became more apparent. He wasn't making sense. Talking about living for 20000 years on medications, that he was manic but didn't have mania and words like sacrament.... He said he will keep taking his Clozapine. He hasn't been on Clozapine since before his last break. He did agree to keep taking his Olanzapine, acknowledging that he needs the antipsychotic, when I reminded him that is what he is on now.
He ended up calling his Nana again and I purposely put the movie hubby and I were watching back on so that I couldn't hear. I know that he needs this outlet and well honestly I didn't want to hear his psychosis talk. Sorry Nana... I just didn't have it in me to listen last night. I didn't bring up or try to talk to him again about his medications instead got them ready like I always do, kissed him good night and went to watch TV in bed with hubby. It appears he took them, at least I hope he did. The dish was empty when I checked around 11. He didn't have an easy time going to sleep though and was awake at 3 when I checked on him. Not a good sign. Either he didn't take all of his medications or psychosis symptoms are getting worse so his medications are not enough to quiet his mind for sleep. I'm guessing it's the psychosis getting worse.
I called PACT today... I was thinking today why I'm having a tough time with my patience with them. Perhaps I want them to step in, take over and fix my son which I know logically is not going to happen. I guess I'm feeling tired. Tired of feeling like the responsibility of keeping my son stable is more on me then on them. So many times on the schizophrenia.com forum I tell family members about the 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. I think I need to take my own advise here. Maybe I need to stop trying to fight battles that are not mine to fight. I can help my son fight if it's what he wants and I will gladly do so. However if he doesn't want to be stable... There's the catch though. If he doesn't have the insight to know what he is fighting? I guess I have to fight for him. Maybe I need to learn a different word then fight... Maybe I need to do some CBT!
Back to PACT. His psychiatrist is still off for the holidays so there is no one around to make a medication change. His case worker is off today and his nurse should be around later. It's Friday... Not sure why this always seems to happen right before the weekend. Not that it makes much different as the results seem to be same either way. Supplement with the Olanzapine. My son did agree to take one this morning so that is good. I'm not sure what they plan to do about his Invega shot on Monday since my son has already stated that he will not take it again.
Today I can tell that he isn't ok. Although the Olanzapine I gave him just over an hour ago seems to be helping. *fingers crossed* we get through the weekend ok and can maybe get something that works better next week. I like the Invega but if he isn't going to be on medicinal dose or even a form of it that he will comply with...
On another note. I gave my notice to terminate our tenancy here on February 28! Wish me luck that we get the townhouse that I have put in an application for! I really, really want it!
Mom
BarbieBF
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)