I have lost count.

My son is in the hospital. I don't recall what number that puts us/him at for hospitalizations...

Do you ever wonder what it is that causes us to do something even though we think it is pointless?

I do. Is it some mystical part of the universe. A gut instinct. Hope...

I picked up the phone this morning to call my son's worker even as I asked myself why I was doing it because I wasn't expecting to get through to anyone or accomplish anything. I had previously called and left two messages and wasn't getting a call back as my son had denied me access.

I had called the hospital this morning and talked to my son and he of course stated that he didn't want to give me access as he wanted to keep everything between him and his workers. No surprise there. They have put him on Ativan/Lorazepam so I'm pretty sure he is happily stoned on it and certainly doesn't want me interfering.

I know that he is on Ativan as his grandmother has been calling me, sometimes just because she needs someone to talk to, to feel better. Not sure how I'm feeling about this new turn as I'm caught between my own natural instinct to want to be supportive and a need to keep some emotional distance between us.

Anyways his worker answered my phone call. I started the conversation with: I know you can't give me any information however I know you can listen. He did. I hung up, thankful that I had picked up the phone despite thinking it was pointless. I had been trying to fax over my notes, since my son's diagnoses and I had been having no luck. Turns out I had been faxing the wrong number. Oops. After confirming the right number I was able to fax so hopefully he has it now.

As it turns out, he had not followed up with my son's treatment team out here because he had no idea who/what they were. All he had was a note that had been sent out with my son stating what his prescribed medications were for. So for the past couple of months no one has had any information on my son's time with me in Ontario or his treatment. Mind boggling...

I also called PACT here and left a message for his (old) nurse or case worker stating why they hadn't heard from British Columbia with his current workers name and number.

I just got off the phone with a worker from the hospital that called me looking for background information. Of course she couldn't give me any information... I guess they are trying to put together a treatment and discharge plan. I almost freaked when I heard the word discharge. They want to know what my son's capabilities are. If he can live alone. Me the broken record: No he cannot live alone. He has zero living/coping skills. That is why I was trying to get him into a group home. No matter how stable he is, if left to his own devices he will become unstable within a short period of time. Alcohol/drugs then missed medications and ensuing psychosis will be the result. He can't manage his own money. He can't even take care of his basic hygiene without support and prompting.

I had some good intentions of getting some house cleaning done today... Instead I have spent most of it talking to people about my son and what I think he needs or doesn't need. I did manage to put in my two-cents-worth on him being on Ativan.

I also made some cookies for hubby!

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

'Tis the Season

It's been awhile...

I didn't escape getting sick after all. Ended up with an ear infection and bronchitis. All better now.

My daughter was here for 3 weeks. It was a great visit. She got in a lot of driving time, much to my hubby's despair the one day she went on the highway ;). Of course I was happily not paying attention to the speedometer... After that she kept to the speed limit in a quest to gain back his trust!

I have only spoken to my son a couple of times. The first time he was too busy smoking, drinking and whatever else to talk. The last time was earlier this week. He sounded not bad. At first I thought he sounded fairly clear headed then I realized it was more focused... He was happy that he had his head back as he had lost it and he has been listening to what his medications are doing to his head and body and doesn't like it. So yeah... focused just not really in a good way. Still he doesn't seem to be doing as bad as I feared.

On the home front things are good. Really good actually.

As each year passes I am learning to appreciate and love what I do have. I have always liked Christmas however now I can say that I love Christmas! It's not about the presents. It's just the fact that it is Christmas. I love my decorations and my villages that my daughter helped me to set up this year. Truthfully, after she got over her bah-humbug moment, she set up most of it.

I don't know if it's; that I'm getting older, what I have been through this past couple of years, or even my antidepressants. Honestly I don't care what the reason is, but I can say that I'm truly happy. I guess it stems from being truly grateful. I look at my home and I'm happy in it. I'm happy with who I am. I'm happy with the live that we are trying to build.

I wish that my children could be a big part of that life however I accept that they have to choose their own paths, good or bad.

Christmas is just around the corner and I would like to wish you all a wonderful holiday season!

Merry Ho Ho!
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What Does Society Teach? A Budget and Peppermint Oil.

The last couple of days I have been literally aching from head to toe as I have been hit with a cold. I haven't been working either as I have been doing my best to keep any talking to a bare minimum. Talking equals coughing. I have however discovered a wonderful cure to sinus congestion in peppermint oil. Knock on wood :). For the first time in my life-time of colds I have not had to deal with a runny nose or sinus congestion for longer then 5-10 minutes. As soon as it starts I put a dab on my finger and rub it in all around my nose and sinuses.

Dealing with my sore throat has not been so easy however I have been trying to be as pro-active as I can be. Lots of tea with honey, lemon and turmeric. Advil for my low grade fever and body aches. I was hoping to get back to work today however I'm having my doubts that will happen.

I may have to make a decision soon about work. I haven't been paid in over a month. Hubby and I were discussing a budget the other day so I took the time to write out how much we owe and how much our minimum monthly expenses are. We owe $43000. Our monthly expenses run around $5000. Add in extras like car maintenance, chiro or even us going out for dinner...

I don't even mind so much that I haven't been paid in a bit as I knew going in that this could happen. Still I can't let my boss get too far in dept with me either. It's dealing with some of the frustrations that make it not worth it. I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons of what I'm getting to what I could be getting. Yes I'm working from home and it's pretty cool to be doing that. I wanted to be able to continue to provide a certain level of care to my home and husband. Most importantly making good healthy dinners and spending our evenings together.

The last schedule change that my boss wanted... He wants me to work somewhere in the neighborhood of 9 am - 10:30 am, 11:30 am - 2 pm then 4 pm - 7:30 pm Mon-Thurs. Umm not! Plus it's a 6 days a week job. For the most part I don't mind as my husband usually works 6 days a week. Still I have dedicated most of my live to a job before and I'm not doing it again.

The pros... I get to work from home. What I've started to call my morning shift ;) I sometimes do in my PJ's. I can bake bread in between making calls. No one is micromanaging me.

The cons... I can work outside the home for less days with a more secure payment schedule.

I'm refusing to work past 6:30 pm. The other day I logged in and booked an appointment that had been confirmed through email. Through a pounding headache, tear filled stinging eyes with my body aching; I was trying to be responsible and keep an eye on my email... I booked an appointment without cc'ing someone that needs to be cc'd. Will I made a critical error... Why yes I did. I worked when I shouldn't have been working. I haven't logged in since. Things like this may be easier to take when your actually getting paid and not having to deal with the BS of someone not giving you the tools or knowledge to do your job properly.

Yes I know: The grass isn't greener on the other side... I think I take back most of the bitching I did about my old job. Every company has it's BS.

My son:

I found out on Friday that he was taking a bus to British Columbia on Sunday. Ontario to British Columbia is a 3 day bus ride.

2 weeks ago I had attended a group through the Schizophrenia Society and spoke to some of the others about how to go about getting my son admitted to hospital through court order. As usual it was a frustrating experience as everyone kept telling me that the hospital etc should have been telling me what to do. Well they weren't even with me asking for guidance. That included the PACT team. So even though I figured I had a bit of a fight ahead of me I still wanted to look into it.

I had been under the impression that my son was taking some medications as his nurse had told me that according to a worker at the shelter he was taking some. I knew that he wasn't taking care of his personal hygiene as I was helping with that when I saw him. I would get him to change his cloths and I would use wipes to clean his pits and face. Once I even took in Q-tips and had him clean his ears. Of course I had to do all this in the car since "Clients were not allowed to receive visitors".

Friday my son says to me: By the way I need to come and get my stuff because I'm going to Nanna's tomorrow. Both my husband and myself worked Friday and Saturday. Saturday I packed up what stuff he had here and took it to him. He asked if he could come home for the night and I agreed. I went into the shelter to collect his stuff and he had taken most of his cloths and electronics with him. There was nothing to collect and he was even wearing someone else's cloths and shoes.

I had thought that maybe my son and I could spend the evening together watching TV. It was after 9 by the time we got home. The first thing I had him do was put on some of his own cloths to find out that the shower he was supposed to have taken several days before wasn't obviously a good shower. He still smelled really bad. His hair and nails had been cut by his nurse from PACT. How he missed how bad my son smelled, I don't know.

I knew that my son's addiction had progressed from alcohol and marijuana to possibly cocaine and morphine. At one point I had brought one of his leather jackets home to try and clean and deodorize it but I had to throw it out. In the lining I found a baggy of white stuff. He thought he was buying cocaine. I think he got aspirin and bath salts. He did on one occasion tell me of a really nice guy that introduced him to morphine, he even had clean needles.

So many times I have fought the urge to bring him home. Canadian Thanksgiving I almost did. That morning I was going to... Then I thought it all through. To what end? I have no control over his money and therefor his ability to drink and use. When he drinks he becomes completely unmanageable in the home and puts everyone at physical risk. It would be 2 weeks of withdrawal, attitude and hopefully him just starting to get even on medications again before he got in another $600 from disability. And around it goes again. That's providing I could even keep him in the home that long.

Within 15 minutes of me bringing him home on Saturday he had spilled milk and juice all of the floor. By 10 he was outside in the back yard punching the walls. According to him he was doing art. I'm not sure either one of my neighbors that have young children were appreciating his form of art.

The fun part was when I decided to go through his backpack. The smell alone was enough to make me want to be sick. A couple of bottles of alcohol. One was almost full. My son not drink his alcohol! He was out of it to not remember that he had it. In the end I ended up tossing it and my husband went and got him a new one the next morning.

What else did I find? Lots of new needles in sterilized packaging along with Stericups... Sterilized cups for cooking your drugs in. Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for teaching addicts to be mindful of the transmission of diseases while they are shooting up. But seriously! Here's a new needle and cooking pot, don't forget to use an alcohol wipe first before you shot up with hands that are brown from nicotine and a months worth of build up body odor surrounding you. Come on! Really! I think they need to expand on these items to include a self-care manual with a toothbrush, toothpaste and at least some hand sanitizer and body wipes.

I didn't get to spend the evening with my son watching TV. I did get to spend until about 3 am with his voices. I have never seen them so bad. It was a constant dialogue between him and them. All you could hear was him whispering/talking to them under his breathe along with sporadic outbursts of laughter. Once I walked into the kitchen to him cocking and shooting a pretend gun.

He did take his medications when I gave them to him and finally they shut his voices up at around 3. Oh yes the medications I had been told he was taking. I picked up a months worth of unopened medications packages dating back to Sept 15.

I had been complacent again. After the last time his grandmother had said she wasn't taking him I thought I had some breathing room. I figured it was just a matter of time before he was admitted to hospital again. With that admission I was going to push for a reevaluation of his diagnoses since the PACT team was refusing my request. I would have also tried pushing for some sort of temporary decision making capabilities until I could further figure out how to get power of attorney through the mental health courts.

Sometimes I shake my head at myself because I really should know better. Everything was just too quiet. Whenever I asked my son if he was talking to his grandmother he would say not a lot. The PACT team stopped calling me. My son stopped asking to come home... Really that should have been enough for me to know. Hindsight is 20/20.

What bothers me the most is that I wasn't deemed worthy enough of so much as a phone call to say: Hey, I'm making arrangements for your son... I don't care what one wants to think of me personally. You can think I'm scum of the earth if you want to however the fact remains that I'm the one that carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him. The alone deserves a minimum amount of respect and consideration.

I wasn't deemed worthy enough of a phone call to say he made it there either. He did by the way.

I'm not sure how I feel about him being there. As I have been going through my own journey of letting go of things that I can't change, I know that I can't change or fix his addiction and therefor his mental health. I wasn't willing any longer to turn my home and world into circus to accommodate him. His grandmother is. Would I rather him be with her then where he was? Yes.

I don't think that it's going to have a good ending however I accept that this is what they both want.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Glass Houses, Time For A Second Opinion

Hello readers! I have missed you...

Life, as it does, has kept going.

My son is currently in a shelter. He did come home for a little while.

I did manage to arrange a family meeting while he was inpatient. A lot of good that did. I shouldn't say that. His case manager requested that they do a assessment of my son to see what type of life skills he has for living on his own. No surprise there. He doesn't have any. He never has. He can't take care of himself when he is living in an environment when most of his basic needs are being taken care of. His level of self-care is non-existent at this point.

Since there was no where for him to go when it came time for him to be released from the hospital, I brought him home. He certainly wasn't stable, just not in crisis anymore.

It took less the 24 hours for things to start to fall apart. 5 days later he was in a shelter. During that short time it was attitude about everything. Smoking in his room. Sleeping outside on the front steps. Leaving a trail of mess wherever he went including spit and vomit. Swearing at me... It all came to a head when my husband asked him to clean up his mess on the front steps as there was cigarette butts everywhere, garbage and glass dishes that we were worried a kid could get hurt since they play around my front steps. That wasn't taken very well by my son. The end result... Michael throwing my coffee maker on the floor, smashing it and screaming in my face to F-off. The next day I had his nurse take him to the shelter.

For the most part it's been the same as any other shelter stay. Calling me for money and cigarettes. He did receive a payment from disability for almost $600 while in there. That was gone in no time. He told me that he got robbed. I don't believe it. I know what he was like the last time he got robbed. How upset and animated he was about it. This time... Nothing but calm. We did end up buying him 2 cartoons of cigarettes that was gone is just over a week. According to my son they kept disappearing, that someone must be taking them out of his backpack. You would have to see my son with his backpack. It doesn't leave his side. Of course not... I would bet my life on it there is marijuana in it. Actually I don't need to do that as he admitted to me last night that he has some.

There was arrangements being made for him to go into a group home. They were redoing the room so it was taking a little longer for them to paint etc. His nurse went and cleaned him up pretty good for the meeting. I was impressed when I saw him. Sadly he lost his spot. I guess he was acting pretty inappropriate while at this meeting. My son didn't want to go there since he knew arrangements were being made for him to possibly go with his grandmother. He made that pretty clear during the meeting that he didn't want to be there.

The shelter gives first priority to PACT clients. My son was a shoe-in. Normally one has to wait a long time to get into a group home but circumstances arose at just the right time. I remember thinking: Finally. We can start getting him on the right track to growing up and being responsible. I was wrong. Another PACT client got it.

Last week I found out that a plane ticket was in the works.

The conversations regarding this between my husband and I has been... He sounds like I did a year ago. Can't you do this? What if you do that? He can't go there... Did you tell so and so about this? Yes I've done it all. Which is most likely why there was zero assistance coming from anyone on this end to help it happen. No one would even take him to the airport however just like before, no one could stop it. Legally an adult and I don't have power of attorney.

This Monday was a tough day for me. After a weekend of trying to resolve myself to the idea of yet again letting go and letting my son mess up his life even further, I ended up going to the store and buying cigarettes. 3 months... I stood there thinking I can fall apart right now which I'm not inclined to do or smoke. I was also butting heads with my boss and ready to quit for a moment ;).

For the past 24 hours or so I have been struggling with feelings of hurt. I know that I can sometimes sound pretty harsh about my son's grandmother. I'm certainly not in agreement with what she tries to do. Still I have always understood that she thinks she is doing what is best and that her actions are out of love for my son. We just don't agree on what love is ;).

I know that I try to come off like I don't care what other people think of me. Of course I do to a certain extent. I don't change what I'm doing because of it because I truly believe in what I'm doing and why.

I found out how my son was going to get to the airport. His great-uncle. I haven't spoken to this person since I was with my kids Dad. However when we were together we used to hang out with him a lot... I called him and left him a message to please call me before putting my son on a plane. I have been informed that he won't talk to me except to... well anyways. All he knows about me now is what he has been told by my son's grandmother. I can only imagine the horrible person that he thinks that I am. How I'm turning my back on my son, putting him out on the streets and certainly not showing him any love... Yes the thought of someone thinking about me like that, hurts. Surprisingly it hurts a lot. Not much I can do except remind myself that however he sees me is behind the glass of his own glass house.

Yesterday morning I was informed that he wasn't going there. His grandmother had changed her mind.

Now what? I don't know. Again time has been lost where his treatment team could have been looking for housing for him. I saw my son last night. Would I consider taking him back? Yes if there is power of attorney. My son says that power of attorney is against his religion.

This brings me to the second opinion. I want a second opinion on his diagnoses. I know that I have questioned if he has schizophrenia and then I end up falling back on that diagnoses. Still there has always been something that says that there is a lot more going on. When he gets sick he presents as schizophrenic. I had asked his nurse to bring it up to his treatment team to have him re-evaluated. His nurse got turned down. Due to my son's history of diagnoses and referrals etc the schizophrenia diagnoses is staying. That means that one doctor reads another doctors notes, sees my son while he is again presenting with apparent psychosis and nods his head in agreement. Yes, schizophrenia. Let's not question the status-quo.

Here's a what if? What if in 2011 the doctor's in British Colombia knew the extent of my son's marijuana use. The marijuana use that was hidden from them and covered up. The marijuana use that was causing his medications to not work and therefore giving him the diagnoses note of: Medication resistant. The marijuana use that got him the sub-type diagnoses of paranoid schizophrenia. It's always been the marijuana that causes him to be paranoid. When he isn't using the paranoia is gone, the belief in chi, telekinesis and whatever else he used to do before coming to live with me, is also gone. Without marijuana where is his paranoid schizophrenia? Good question.

Since he has been in the shelter I'm pretty sure he is back to daily use again. He is way to mellow. Not a care in the world. He is presenting as someone in psychosis... Takes a long time to answer a question or respond when asked to do something. I was told that the shelter staff have been having to direct him or tell him to not being doing certain things like lying on the floors etc. It's because he is stoned.

I really wish a professional would take the time to help me understand what I'm seeing and put it all into perspective because it's not adding up. As far as I know the defining characteristic of having a psychotic break is losing touch with reality. My son doesn't lose touch with reality. This has always been something that keeps standing out for me. Over the years conversations about his breaks has come up. He remembers all of his breaks, if that is what they are. He remembers his first one where he was catatonic. He heard everyone talking to him and felt them touching him. He was just lost in his own head from the all of the marijuana that he had smoked. The first break I went through with him where he believed he was a vampire, in a gang and chewed on my fingernails. He remembers doing that. When he punched out his grandmother. He remembers all of that. He didn't break with reality. In each of these instances he had been smoking marijuana and having recently stopped taking prescribed amounts of medications or stopped completely. Even if one doesn't have psychosis and stops medications like that then the rebound affect can be psychosis. And yet even with all that my son doesn't break with reality. So many times I will think that he is lost in there. Until you say or do something and realize he is very much aware.

I'm not sure what my son's mental illnesses are... I have some thoughts and ideas and they fit better then schizophrenia. Sadly schizophrenia would probably be the better choice. Since the beginning I have questioned if what I'm seeing is sociopath. That is also in his genes. I questioned narcissism. A lot of the characteristics of his personality that can't be explained or attributed to schizophrenia or even ADHD and ODD can be seen and makes sense if one has narcissistic personality disorder. Could what he is going through be the beginning stages of either one of these? My son is still young. His personality is still developing. I have watched him become more and more adapt at manipulation. I have watched his mood swings and play of emotions when he isn't getting what he wants. Narcissistic are not without emotion. In fact they have lots of them and can be very loving I'm sure when it suites their own purposes. What happens when they aren't getting what they want or what they feel they deserve?

My son just called me. He wants me to come see him today. I was surprised at that request since he knows that I'm not going to give him any money and I dropped of smokes last night. Sometimes he breaks my heart into little pieces. I was watching some teenagers on skateboards last night. My son has missed out on all that. Regardless of what my childhood and life has been, I had playing in the rain, fighting with my best friends, sleep-overs, embarrassing classroom moments, first loves, first break-ups and learning about sex all the wrong ways...

I can't give him his lost childhood. I wish that I could give him his adulthood.

The very same people who are treating me like I'm nothing are the very same people who are leaving me to pick up the pieces time and time again with no support. I find it somewhat ironic. Strike that. I find it very ironic. If I'm such a horrible mother/person who doesn't know how to love or help my son, why am I the one being left to deal with the consequences of other peoples choices yet again?

Time to get some things out of the way before I start work.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

For my readers:

I wanted to take a minute and let you know that I have decided to take a break from blogging.

I love blogging however my blog has turned into an unhealthy form of communication between myself and someone else. What I blog or say gets misinterpreted and misunderstood on a very big scale.

It has also lost it's ability to be a form of my own expression as I no longer have the freedom to express myself without monitoring everything I say.

Things that I blog that are completely without blame or consequence and isn't meant to verbally attack in any way, gets taken that way.

Why should I care? Well because it's my children's family.

I try really hard to keep my daughter out of being in the middle of a tough enough situation yet she is constantly being pulled in. I'm sure my blog has become a source of contention for her as well as she is constantly having to read it when she doesn't want to, to defend me or fix the misunderstanding.

For now I am stepping back.

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

A BS Interpreter needed. #9

I think I need one. A Bullshit Interpreter. Someone who can translate for me some of the BS...

What can I say. Sometimes dealing with 'professionals' can really get my dander up (piss me off).

Sunday Michael was involuntarily admitted to hospital. This would be his 9th involuntary admittance. It's the best place for him right now. I have seen him a couple of times. He is doing ok actually however he is actively hallucinating if you know the signs. Yesterday I got him into some clean cloths and had him put on some deodorant. I looked at the paper by his bed and he is on his second form until the 25th. He doesn't understand the reason: Serious bodily harm to oneself. As best I could I explained that when he isn't thinking clearly he is physically at risk of hurting himself. He said the problem was the sun, that is was damaging him...

Turns out I was right about the marijuana. He did admit to having some plus I found the pipe in his backpack. On Tuesday when we saw him, I asked him if I could have his backpack for a minute. He asked why and I said I wanted to snoop through it. Really I wanted it to clean out all the garbage but I thought it was cute when he handed it over. Whether he realizes it or not I take that as I sign that he does when it comes right down to it, trust me. It was over half full of garbage, a days worth of missed medications and of course his pipe. All went in the garbage.

I let him know that depending on what happens that I want to get power of attorney. He said that he would rather I didn't do that. I would rather not do it either however he keeps doing things that puts himself in these situations.

One nurse commented that she was shocked at the change in my son when he was around me. I guess he was pretty out of it before I visited. Yes my son can pull it together when he needs to. I think he wanted me to see how well he was doing so that I could get him smoking privileges. He did get them the next day.

When my son was first admitted and his nurse called me, he spoke of a family meeting. I hadn't heard anything about one since that so I brought it up to his nurse last night. So far his nurses have been really nice. She told me to call in the morning so that I could get the doctor as that's when they do their rounds. If anyone has had to call a hospital for a loved one I'm sure you have heard some of these. If you call in the morning it's: We are in the middle of shift change, call back in an hour. You call back in an hour and it's various responses that pretty much end with: Call back tonight. You call at night and it's: Call in the morning when the doctor is here.

So this morning I thought ok let's wait until after 8 and shift change... I call and ask if the doctor has seen my son yet that I would like to talk to him. Her reply was: It's only 8:30. Yes I was told to call in the morning, what time does the doctor normally get there to do his rounds? Before 10 and that I should call back in a couple of hours.

Hello BS Interpreter. I really need your help here...

I did request that a note be left for his doctor to call me. She said she would 'put it on the board'.

I could also use a BS Interpreter for when I get quoted privacy laws. Have you ever asked anyone who is quoting them if they have ever read them? I have and the answer was no. Guess what? I have read them. One person at the shelter quoted them at me, with my son right beside me, telling me that she couldn't tell me if he was there or not. This topic deserves it's own post and eventually I will get around to writing a good one that I'm probably going to submit to the local newspapers.

I will say this though: To anyone who is going to quote me privacy laws. Please read them first because I have and all you appear to be doing to me is protecting your own right to do less work or even use a little common sense.

I hope everyone has an awesome weekend! I'm off to get my day started.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Not in a good mood.

I just got off the phone with Michael and his answer for not wanting to talk to me is that he is not in a good mood right now. No I guess not. He has not been in a good mood for awhile. The roller coaster ride of feeding your addiction then going through withdrawal is enough to put one in a bad mood. He may not be able to see that right now but for those of us on the outside looking in, shouldn't that be enough of a reason to push for addiction treatment instead of thinking that using in any amount is ok?

I called the shelter this morning to find out how he was doing. I have spoken about the lady from the shelter before that talks to me openly about my son. She seems to understand where I'm coming from and genuinely wants to help my son. She told me that she told PACT that his mother is tired, needs a break and she sees how I'm there for him and that I love him. I keep thinking I need to get her a box of chocolates or something.

He did have a shower and get cleaned up! She said I would have been proud to see him. The shelter didn't make this happen however she did push PACT to be pro-active and get more involved that my son needed them. If they didn't help the shelter would have to find somewhere else for him to go as he couldn't stay there like he was. So his nurse stepped in and helped him get cleaned up and do his laundry.

This is what needs to happen. This is why I try to step out of the picture if I can. So that my son can start to learn to lean on, trust and interact with his treatment team. As well-meaning as even my own intentions are, my love or want to help, can interfere with my son seeking the right kind of support.

When I got my son's cigarettes, we kept one carton in the car so that he wouldn't go through them too quickly. He wants the other carton now so I will get hubby to drop them off on the way home tonight and he also wants a coffee ;). Michael asked if we could take him out for dinner or something. Tomorrow is my day off and hopefully if hubby isn't working then maybe I will see about putting a picnic together and spending some time at a park. I know my son likes that as does hubby.

I think he is back taking at least some of his medications. He said he forgot last night so I told him to go ask for them once he got off the phone.

I will leave it at that for today...

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Why yes, I'm ecstatic!

Sarcasm!

Forewarned this post may be a bit if a rant.

I saw my son yesterday. He's a mess. He has obviously been in the same cloths for a long time. He hasn't showered or even washed that I can tell. He hasn't been taking his medications. I'm pretty sure he has been smoking marijuana.

Hubby and I picked him up to take him and get cigarettes. First we had to go to the bank so that I could transfer him his $314 that I owed him from disability. The whole time we were with him he was clenching his fist with all of his strength. I knew when I saw this that he wasn't taking his medications. At one point hubby said he asked my son why he was doing this and my son replied that he was trying to make his body work right. His brain isn't working right so his body isn't going to. He ended up giving me his bank card so that I could buy the smokes for him because he couldn't 'catch his breath' to get out of the car and do it himself.

I told my son that once we got back to the shelter I was going to go in with him so he could get his medications and put on some clean cloths. He said ok. As soon as we walked in to the shelter... Hello ODD. His defiance came out of nowhere. He didn't want his medications. One of the staff said they have been talking to him about showering etc however he 'bolts' or leaves the shelter.

Hubby and I have been talking about what to do. So far we haven't come up with any solid answers. I try not to get pissy with him when he asks me what I'm going to do. But seriously, if I had the answers I would be doing it. I don't have them... I don't know what to do.

I know how much I wanted to grab my son's stuff and bring him home.

Here's the catch. I'm a recovered addict. If I want to stay a recovered addict then one thing that I need to be able to do is think things through to the end. One of the problems with being an addict is that the mind only wants to see the good parts of using. Not the negative consequences and as long as one can keep blocking out those memories then one can keep pretending that using is ok.

I forget the exact wording of what was said during an ADAPT meeting but something along the lines of: An addict will not change until the pain of using is worse then the pain of not using.

I can bring him home. He has over $300 in his bank account. He is unstable and defiant. He believes he should be able to smoke and drink in his room. It doesn't take a genius to figure out where that scenario is most likely going.

I had already said to my husband that I need to bring him home if I can put some things in place. Before I left I tried to talk to my son. I wasn't expecting it to be an in-depth conversation considering his mental state. I got worse then I was expecting. I went to crouch/sit beside him and he got mad and told me to stand up and talk to him. I don't know why he gets like this with me. I mean the not wanting me to talk to him on his level. It just goes against everything that I have read on how to talk to someone experiencing psychosis. Especially since he gets so defiant with me being the main disciplinary. Yet he still gets mad, doesn't want me on his level and wants me to take the authoritative stance. The only thing I can reason is that somewhere in his head is a recognition that he actually needs someone to take on the role of authority for him. But then his ODD gets in the way...

I asked him if he remembered talking to his Nana about not going out there. Yes. I told him that I want to take him home however I can't if he has control over his money to buy alcohol because alcohol is killing him. I want power of attorney. He refused.

A couple of days ago I received a message from his grandmother stating that she had told him no to him coming there and she hoped that made everyone happy. Needless to say I didn't respond. The sarcastic side of me wanted to answer with: Why yes, I'm ecstatic. Thank you! I figured not answering was the better option.

My daughter calls to find out if I got the message and to include the side-note that obviously Nana didn't really mean it and that she would step in and take him if she felt it was necessary.

As far as I know that plans are/were to have my son go directly into a shelter out there. So switching one shelter for another? Then I guess work on getting him into his own place since this is what he wants. Well it's what he says he wants. He knows full well that once he gets there he can say no to any form of assisted living and that if he does that then he will end up with Nana. The ideal situation for him. He doesn't have to care about anyone except himself. He doesn't have to try to be sober and stable. To be blunt, he doesn't have to try period. He will get his pat on the head while someone else cleans up after him and protects him from himself.

The rant. Can you see my son living on his own?! He can't even keep himself stable when he is living somewhere that is feeding him and providing him with basic amenities. Yet that is what him and his grandmother seem to be concocting between the two of them. Unless he is telling her that he will go into a group home out there. If that is the case and it is being believed I can only shake my head some more.

My son, in my opinion, needs several basic things. Mainly he needs long-term treatment for addiction. By long-term I'm thinking 3-6 months to start. He needs help from non-family, so he can't use and manipulate them, to help him become stable, stay stable and learn to mature and grow up. Until he gets these things. Everything else is just prolonging everyone's suffering, including and especially his own.

My son isn't stupid by no means. When I had the police take him, one of them went with him to his room to collect his things. My son was very drunk. Not as drunk as I thought. He made sure to disconnect, unplug and turn off the laptop so that I couldn't have access to it. Before leaving he wanted my phone to call his Nana. I know some may think: Well yes she is the one he knows will support him. Hmm. The one that will support him or enable him. There is a big difference.

Honestly he has support coming out his.... ;) Agencies and people just waiting for him to give the go ahead and they will be right there. PACT has peer support, group support and vocational (job) support. ADAPT has addiction support. Applications have been started for housing. He has an open file at the YMCA for free schooling at his own pace. My son is 21 and says no thank you...

He also has me and my husband. Apparently I expect too much. Expecting Michael to follow basic rules that a 5 year old can follow, clean up after himself, treat me with respect, not be violent, try to be medication compliant and engage is addiction services is apparently too  much for him. How do you respond to that? Seriously if he is that bad off then he really should be in the hospital with 24/7 care not traipsing on a plane across the country!

Where we are at now is not new. He has been here before. He has played the system, played and manipulated emotions until he got what he wanted. Freedom from responsibility, stability or sobriety.

Do you think he doesn't know that if he doesn't participate in recovery plans here that in time he will get what he wants? Of course he does. Like I said he isn't stupid.

Something I had too look at and acknowledge was/is that his masturbation episodes are tied into his alcohol use and not his schizophrenia so yes it is more behavioral. I didn't know until I found out about him calling dial-a-bottle that he was during the time of his masturbating frequently and in public, drinking almost a bottle of alcohol a day. I also found out that one of the ladies at the shelter caught him doing this in public and had to talk to him about it. I didn't tell her that I knew that he had purchased a bottle of alcohol since being there. Just like I didn't tell them that I'm pretty sure he probably has marijuana on him. Maybe that is why he bolts when expected to shower and change cloths? He keeps his jacket on and close to him when he is hiding stuff.

There is also the distinct possibility that if he gets himself kicked out of there then in steps his safety net. I may not be actively stopping this from happening however I'm certainly not going to help it happen.

Of all the blogs that I read. Jagged Little Edges is without a doubt one of my favorites. Lorelie doesn't hold any punches on what addiction is and the truth of it's ugliness is spelled out in black and white. Lorelie's last blog post: Loving An Addict Means Saying No.

A lot of Lorelie's posts are also highlighted on: Addiction Campuses

I know there are a lot of families who struggle with concurrent disorders of addiction and mental illness. I only speak for what I see with my son. He doesn't use to self-medicate symptoms. He uses/drinks to feed/satisfy his addictions. It's doing this that triggers his schizophrenia and causes the rebound affect. Also my son doesn't want to medication his symptoms. He very much enjoys his psychosis when he is in it. Probably another reason why he didn't want to take his medications yesterday. Why mess with his high? I have been around addiction enough to recognize that mind-set. I have been there. Don't eat too much before doing this drug or you will lessen the high...

I did tell the lady at the shelter that my son was psychotic and needed his medications so hopefully they were a little more attentive last night about 'reminding him' to take them. It's not a part of their duties and they get busy. Not sure I buy that. The other shelter had less staff and they did more. They followed up on medications. They searched more for drugs etc. being brought in. I know because I watched them do it. Too bad it was in such a horrible neighborhood. I have yet to see this shelter search anyone including my son. The lady asked what the signs were of my son's psychosis. To me it's obvious but I'm mom and have looked at his face for signs for years now. I asked if she knew what high looks like? What extreme exhaustion looks like? Combine them and you have my son's current face. Again I left out that he was most likely high... Really in the end it was the psychosis I'm trying to nip in the butt before something negative happens and high or not high he would still look pretty much the same from psychosis.

My appointment with ADAPT last week got rescheduled to the 18th of August. Today is a civic holiday here in Ontario, Canada so I'm not working! Hubby is :(. My work schedule has changed. Now I'm 12-6:30 Mon-Fri and I think 10:30-2 on Sunday. So 6 days a week and more hours. I may see if I can switch from Sunday to Saturday as Sunday is the one day I can pretty much count on hubby not working. The hours are being split between me and another lady. I got paid! I needed it to help cover rent due to what I had to give to Michael. I got my hair cut yesterday. Pretty short. I guess it's a bob? shorter at the back and long around the face. It feels good. I haven't had a cigarette in 6 weeks! I'm not sure how long it's been for hubby. I think 3 weeks. My homemade protein bars were a hit. We both like them. Have to make more today. I may even get back on my stepper today and do some exercise.

The above things make me happy. Certainly not the situation that my son is in or the fact that I have to fight so hard to try and get him the treatment that he needs.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

If I could...

We all do it. Think of the what ifs... If I could go back in time...

Ironically as time passes I experience this less and less however sometimes like now, my mind still tries.

This blog post is most likely just me clearing my head. My counselling session got cancelled today and I think I was due for a talk so I'm coming here instead.

I was thinking this morning: If I could go back in time what would I change?

A long time ago I gave up wanting to go back and change my past addiction. I do regret that a lot of people got hurt along the way however that journey is now dear to me. A journey I will never let myself forget and has shaped me into who I am today. I'm proud of me and I'm ok with me, all my faults and good. I still get embarrassed to easily and I'm still self-conscious etc. but I have never been as sure of myself or as self-confident as I am today. I'm learning my limits and I'm ok with them.

The current what ifs start in 2011 when my son was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. If I could go back in time and make it so that he didn't develop schizophrenia. Better yet how about his ADHD. You know, I wouldn't. I was slightly bemused at my thoughts on this until I thought it through a little more. ADHD and schizophrenia and even addiction are part of who my son is. Just like ADHD is a part of who my hubby is. Menopause is a part of who I am. PTSD and separation anxiety are part of who my daughter is. I wouldn't change who they are today. I love them.

Now today we are basically where we were last September. Or even heading to where we could have been in 2012 before I brought my son home. I think: Maybe I shouldn't have taken him in 2012 and perhaps this would all be over now. Yes I know not a nice thought but it's my truth.

A quick overview: My son was diagnosed in 2011 while with his dad and paternal grandmother. He came to live with me in 2012 when things got to bad there. We did really good for a year or two. Seriously he was hospitalized once? I think whereas he averaged every 4-6 months before that. Last year in September things went south and he ended up with his grandmother. October had a bad break and I went to get him and bring him home again.

Now he is trying to buy a plane ticket back to his grandmother.

All the what ifs in the world can't change were we are right now.

So if I could go back and not have taken him in 2012 would I? I would do it again. If I hadn't and things ended then I would feel guilty for not being there as a parent and trying to help. Now I have been there and I have done everything that I feel is best for him and his future.

I do now feel like I have been the best parent that I can be to both of my children regardless of what the future holds for them or me.

This is going to sound harsh however I'm not going to apologize because this is my truth. As long as my son's grandmother is there to... hmm... do what she does, then I can't help my son. We just go in circles. He is not getting better and my resources, mental and physical, are getting used up. Except for my own personal growth there is nothing to show for it. I guess I shouldn't say that. I now know what he is capable of which is so much more. I have seen the brightness that is my son. I have watched him take steps to a future where he would be happy. Not psychotic addiction induced happy but true happiness where he was ok inside.

Now he is taking steps that in my opinion will only give everyone nothing but pain. You might ask how can I allow that to happen?

By letting go.

If I could change anything, I would not. I wouldn't take away my son's schizophrenia or even his addiction just as I wouldn't take away my own. My son's journey is his own as are those connected to him.

Am I saddened by it? Absolutely as I can't see any good coming from it and I'm sincerely hoping it doesn't end in news coverage (not sure if I'm being funny or sincere)... But I'm getting ahead of myself. He isn't on the plane yet.

When my son wants to be a part of my journey to a better life... Oh I hope it happens. Or I guess when I'm the only one left...

There is always hope, right?

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Mocktails and an empty nest

Yesterday I tried making a mocktail, a non-alcoholic version of a typically alcoholic beverage. Of course in my typical fashion of not thinking ahead and just going with an idea, I had no ice... Still hubby and I enjoyed a virgin pina-colada. There is now an ice cube tray in the freezer :)

It's been awhile since hubby and I went alcohol free. It's certainly a different life style. One that can have an impact even though you don't realize it. There is no going for a drink with the boys after work. No hanging out to have a beer. No weekend cocktails and cards. But see that is where I am trying to make the change. Yes we can have weekend mocktails and we can enjoy them in the backyard and we can try to learn to do the things that we did while drinking, sober.

I can't say I particularly enjoyed playing darts but I played. My hubby and his brother enjoyed playing... or they enjoyed drinking with something to do while doing it ;). I want us to enjoy playing darts. I want summer evenings in the backyard.

I noticed something one day last week when hubby and I sat down for dinner. We have been together for almost 5 years yet we have had little time with just the 2 of us. There is usually someone else there or even if they aren't right there, around. Now it's just us. It's a good thing. Not that I'm expecting it to last forever.

I did go see my doctor last Monday. I totally forgot to ask for blood work to be done or to discuss my weight. I did weigh myself while there and I'm not losing anymore, in fact, I'm slowly gaining so I will see how it goes now that some other things are back on track. I got my Venlafaxine refilled. I'm back on my tinctures for my menopause. I am now quitting smoking with just the lozenges once or twice a day. Every time I put on a patch, even the lowest dosage, all if it came flooding back. Ears ringing, dizziness, heart pounding... My doctor said it certainly sounded like the patch was causing it and that if I find wearing it too much then I can't use them. Like I told hubby last night, I guess I had better make this time the last time quitting as I'm running out of options on quit-smoking aids.

The dizziness is still there. Not sure what is causing it. I'm wondering if I'm not eating enough. It's not nearly as bad as it was. Part of it could be being back on my medication and readjusting. I will give it some time. I have to make a follow up appointment before I can get my antidepressants refilled so if I'm still experiencing dizziness etc than I will request some blood work and my female exam.

Work is going good. I worked this Sunday as my boss wanted to see if we would get a good response. I did contact those who asked to be called on Sunday or people that I was having trouble getting a hold of during the week due to working. I haven't gotten paid yet which I'm hoping will happen soon.

Last Monday my son called to tell me that he contacted disability and it was too late for them to adjust this payment so the normal room and board amount would come to me and that I owe him back half of it. I owe him... So yeah... I usually put that payment towards half of the rent.

My son has called here and there. Every time to ask for something. Can we go camping (he is supposed to be paying for this). Can I take him to the grocery store for treats. Can I loan him money for cigarettes and take it out of the money I owe him. He already owes me for a carton of smokes. Yesterday he called saying he really wanted a cigarette. I don't smoke anymore so no sympathy from me for that.

In fact I told him that I'm not going to feel sorry for him. He's getting enough of that already. Whenever I point out to him why he is where he is, he ends the call. That isn't schizophrenia. He knows what happened and doesn't want to take responsibility for his choices. This is the closest he has come to being held responsible.

As always.. what to do... I don't know. I can buy him things now and by the time I get the payment there will be little money left to give him. IF he is getting a plane ticket...

Amazing sometimes how little some things change. He won't accept the right kind of help here if he has the opportunity to run away again. I guess time will tell what is happening there because I don't know what his plans are.

Today I'm planning to try a recipe for granola bars. I'm hoping to find a healthier snack for hubby at work. I might also try finding a recipe I can work with for a multi-grain bread.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Third time's a charm?

As you know I quit smoking when I started using the nicotine patch a month ago. This is the third time I'm quitting smoking with the patch. I did succeed the other two times and was quit for 6 and 8 months each time. Quitting doesn't seem to be my issue. Now staying quit on the other hand ;).

This time... Just wow this hasn't been fun. The patches come in stages depending on how much you smoke. I already knew from past experience that starting with step 1 (21 mg patch) was too much nicotine for me. I also know to take the patch off before bed regardless of what the instructions say. I have always wondered what they are thinking. No one smokes in their sleep (unless you sleep walk) so why have nicotine coursing through your system when trying to quit and while sleeping. I wonder how many people don't even complete the program due to how bad the bad dreams are...

I start with step 2 (14 mg patch) and generally do each step a little longer since I cut out the first step. Step 2 is for less then 10 cigarettes a day. Nothing seems to take into consideration whether the person smokes lights, ultra-lights or in my case super-slims. Really skinny cigarettes.

By the end of last week even I was starting to get concerned. I came pretty close to heading to the hospital's emergency department over the weekend. Hubby came pretty close to taking me. There have been changes to several different things so I wasn't sure what was causing what or if it was all just bad timing of everything together.

I didn't get my Venlafaxine prescription renewed. Yes I know, not very smart of me. I did try however my doctor needs to see me first since I upped it from 37.5 to 75 mg. I'm still not sure if I want to get it renewed or not. I only wanted them for some short-term help until I was able to get started in counselling and hopefully get myself re-centered again. Sadly it seems that I may not be able to make it through a weekend without them though.

I got my menstrual cycle 2 weeks early. Yup fun! I'm already struggling to get enough iron so that I'm not anemic. Throw an extra period in there and I was expecting to feel light-headed. Also I had stopped taking one of my tinctures that I use to keep my menopausal symptoms in check and my cycles regular.

I haven't had a cigarette since June 20.

I think I was handling things not bad. Still by Friday I was getting concerned. I was so light-headed and nauseous. After years of cycle issues I'm used to being light-headed during my menstrual cycles. This however was over the top. Just sitting while I was working was hard as I was constantly on the verge of fainting. I wanted to vomit. I was cold sweats. I had started getting cold sweats at night too which I figured was the beginning of hot flashes again...

Thinking what I was experiencing was mostly cycle related and/or iron, then I doubled up on my iron supplement. Needless to say that didn't help since it wasn't the issue. Then there is the side affects of taking too much iron ;). I think that is evening itself out today though.

Holy cravings... Not for cigarettes. Salt and sugar. Banana splits, waffles, ice cream, whipped cream, syrup, potato chips and oh my gosh thirsty. I was experiencing an over-dose of nicotine. As a smoker and recovered addict I know what it feels like to smoke too much. This was... I don't ever want to experience that again.

This will be the 3rd day of no patch. Yesterday morning I put one on for about 45 minutes. The day before I had one on for maybe a couple of hours. I had to take them off. Within 20 minutes of putting them on I was dizzy, nauseous and my heart rate was going through the roof. It felt like I was running while sitting still. It was like I was on a serious high without the good parts. Breathing was a chore at times.

On a side note. Perhaps the experience can give me a little more insight into what my son can sometimes experience.

That's when I started putting it together. When I realized that I haven't physically craved a cigarette for a while now. I had gone days without wanting a Lozenge. There was so much nicotine in my system that even the habit itself wasn't making itself known.

I spoke to the pharmacist and he said it was a good thing that I was ready for step 3 (7 mg patch) so quickly. At least that was reassuring, I guess. Feeling like I needed to be in the ER wasn't.

Today I can feel it. I want a cigarette. I'm afraid to put on a patch though. I will see how I react to a lozenge first. I'm still light-headed. No where near where I was though. Thank goodness. I wake up feeling ok since I have gone all night with no nicotine and my system can start flushing it out. Caffeine... I'm noticing that drinking coffee is not helping as it's another stimulant that is triggering the nicotine affect.

All the physical stuff... It was the emotional or should I say IS the emotional that I'm struggling to get under control. Since I have never come off of antidepressants before and certainly not with all this other crap going on, I have no experience to compare it to. Yesterday I was to the point of, I don't know what. Hubby was 'helping' me with cleaning the floors. The way that ADHD, over-worried hubbies can help. By making everything worse :). I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle his ADHD thinking. I couldn't handle his attitude or inability to cope with me not being able to handle him. I hit him with a pillow. Trust me I wanted to do more... I wanted/needed him to stop. Just stop.

I'm a hormonal mess it seems. I have been on the verge of tears since yesterday morning. Now I think this is due to coming off the Venlafaxine. Not only do I want to cry at the sappy parts in movies, I want to cry at the thought of the sappy parts that I know are coming. Haha! Parts that I don't normally find sappy...

I'm back on my tinctures for menopause. I think my bleeding is finally stopping. Sorry guys... But honestly. Why can't our bodies just make a decision. Off or on. I don't even care which but 'spotting' is a complete joke.

Before I forget. A shout-out to my followers who have shown me support. I can't say how much I appreciate it. I don't have high expectations when it comes to family or anyone's ability to care... I will just leave that there. I blog and share because it helps me and hopefully helps others to not feel alone. So when I end up not feeling alone because of my followers responses and support. Yup, I'm a hormonal mess! Thank you and I see you! (We watched Avatar last night)



I missed my son's call yesterday. Because of work I sometimes put my phone on vibrate. I have a new work number now but the people I have previously contacted have my personal number. So I didn't know that he had called until last night.

I did see him on Friday. Hubby and I dropped him off a carton of smokes that he was supposed to call me and learn how to transfer me the money for them. Yes I know... I really wasn't expecting that to happen. I butted heads with privacy laws again. We can't tell you if he is here... We can't help you because we love to quote privacy laws instead of using common sense... Honestly I found myself insisting that there is a release that can be signed and that I'm pretty sure privacy laws haven't changed in the past 6 months. I had to insist because for whatever reason they didn't want to be bothered to reach over and grab a piece of paper that apparently didn't exist until I insisted. Then magically it appeared and my son was able to sign a release that let them acknowledge that he existed there when I called or showed up to drop off things he requested.

Sorry... It's just such a bullshit system and it doesn't help anyone. They certainly weren't helping my son. So who were they helping? Good question!

My son had called wanting smokes and some other items. Honestly I think he just wanted to come home and see if the alcohol was still here. He wanted some cloths. I checked his room and he took the cloths that he likes to wear. He already had tons of socks and underwear. His favorite shirts. Shorts and several pairs of pants. I did take him his favorite hoodie and some other things like chargers and his ipod etc.

Since the shelter pulled their privacy crap we couldn't even wait on the shelter's property to see if my son was going to come out for a smoke. They wouldn't take the items we brought. So we sat in the car for like 45 minutes, on the street. Then we drove to the closest mini-mart since I knew my son was buying cigarettes. I guess he saw us at some point so just as I figured was going to happen. He called me as we were getting back on the highway heading home. We turned around... I went inside with him to make sure the release was signed.

I asked him if he was taking his pills and he said yes. I asked him what he was doing. Just sitting outside smoking. So I clarified that I meant in the future. What are his plans. Well he doesn't want to have a place on his own out here in Ontario. He doesn't want to have a place on his own anywhere. The difference is that here with me being an addict/alcoholic isn't easy. In British Columbia it will be easy as who is going to try and stop him from throwing his life away? He knows that talk about him getting his own place out there is just that, talk. He has no intentions of doing it. He can't see past his addiction right now. And I seem to be the only one who thinks he is capable of doing that.

According to him he plans on buying a ticket with his disability payment. $98 isn't going to buy him a plane ticket. I'm certainly not helping him throw his life away. I told him again that he needs to go into rehab. He needs to be in a long-term treatment facility to help him. At least here that option is a distinct possibility and could happen rather quickly if he would take that step.

It's all second guessing on my part since I haven't heard from anyone on what their plans or intentions are.

I won't say how I know however I do know that he went to the liquor store on Friday for a bottle. I'm guessing he hasn't gotten caught or drank it all to make sure he didn't get caught. Alcohol... harmless right? Let him have it, right? *shakes head*

For now it's one day a time.

I do plan on making a doctor's appointment for myself and getting some blood work done. I want to make sure that the weight I have lost isn't as bad as everyone else seems to think it is. They may be right. I noticed on the weekend that I felt my ribs. I don't think I have been this thin since I was addicted so I should follow up and make sure it's nothing serious. I have been trying hard I guess to not acknowledge that there could be something wrong. The thought of me not being capable of taking care of things... It's a scary thought.

I'm off to play my Facebook games before work. I hope everyone had a good weekend and *finger's crossed* and a good week.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Ashes! Ashes! We all fall down.

I don't have a lot of time before I start work however I felt like doing a quick blog post.

I think I have referenced the above nursery rhyme before. Sadly it's one of those cycles that we/I seem to keep getting caught in. I keep saying that I don't want to play this game anymore. It seems the only way I can make that happen is to quite literally remove myself or as I did on Wednesday, remove my son.

He did end up going to the liquor store and got 4 bottles of alcohol. A nice variety: vodka, southern comfort, fireball whiskey and sour puss liquor. I had no idea. I began to get an idea however when I asked him to clean up his mess in the kitchen and got threatened with being hit and he tossed his candy all over the kitchen counter and floor. A little while later I looked into the back yard and he was lying there with an almost empty bottle of sour suss beside him. That got tossed right away. He didn't seem concerned about it. Why would he be? He had 3 more bottles to go.

I sat at my desk and asked myself if I was prepared and willing to do what I wanted to do next. Yes. I called the police. Like I explained to the lady on the phone, I really didn't feel like I had many, if any, options left. At the rate he was going there was a big chance I would be calling the police soon if not that day anyways and the outcome probably wouldn't have been very pretty.

They attended. One of them was periodically an idiot in my opinion. When I told him that there was open alcohol stashed on the grounds he didn't seem that interested in doing anything about it. Or should I say motivated to actually walk his ass anywhere to find it. There was kids around playing. I let him know that if a kid got into it then it was on his head. I still don't get how it's not his job to enforce the law of no open alcohol in public or drinking in public. But hey...

My son at this point was quit intoxicated which was very clear by his face and speech. After I removed the sour puss, I'm guessing he went for the vodka since I still haven't found that bottle. He insisted on lying to me and the police when asked about the alcohol. By the way, I have the liquor store receipt from that morning which I found stashed behind his TV stand.

I stood there, looking at the officers, managing to hold my cool and my emotions, while they asked me what it is that I wanted them to do. Did I want him removed from the home. Since he wasn't at that moment being violent... Gotta love the system! Can't prevent violence only get involved once it happens. Call them back if he does get violent with me.

Of course my son is saying there is no more alcohol which was a lie. He is saying he is done drinking for now. I'm standing there... Thinking to myself I have done what I can do. I have asked anyone that I could think of to ask for advise on what I was supposed to do and handle this type of situation. It was up to me if I wanted to call in the police. Well I took that step and I stood behind it. I asked them to remove him from the home.

They did. I do believe he got charged a fine of some sort for being intoxicated in public then he was released to the shelter once he was sober enough I guess for them to accept him.

Now it's Friday and I have heard from him a couple of times. Asking for a ride to get smokes since he didn't want to spend all of his money on expensive cigarettes. Asking for money for a plane ticket back out to British Columbia. And of course there is the fact that I will owe him money at the end of the month when I receive the room and board portion of his disability payment.

Money, money, money...

I haven't heard from anyone else which tells me a lot. Having been through this as many times as I have been, the quieter it is and the less I'm hearing from people, pretty much tells me what I need to know.

My daughter called me on Wednesday asking what happened. I love her dearly but she can be pretty transparent. She has this way of asking... It's not her asking. I try really hard not to react because none of this is on her. Still it's hard when she wants to get in the middle when she has no idea what is going on or what I have been dealing with. She asked if I was prepared for him going back out there and commented that she guessed she was going to have to get another job. Isn't it awesome that an 19 year old is going to try to financially help take on the responsibility of 2 adults that are older then her.

My only response is for them to do whatever they feel is necessary. Please don't call me for money. I just sent her money because she said she didn't have money for personal hygiene products and cigarettes until pay day. It looks like I have some more boundary setting ahead of me.

Yesterday I had a shower that I actually enjoyed. I didn't even realize until I was in the shower that it's been months since I had a shower and relaxed in it. Always having my guard up, my listening ears on and making sure my purse or anything else of consequence was hopefully in a safe place.

I cleaned up the back yard. I have been avoiding it because my son has been treating it like a garbage can and I was constantly picking up garbage and cleaning up spit etc.

I have been going to bed and leaving my purse in the living room.

There is a part of me that is honestly reveling in the freedom of being able to enjoy and relax in my own home. I can breathe. Hubby and I can spend time in the living room together. We have been going to bed right after dinner lately because it was easier. I can work without worrying about paying attention to what my son was doing or having to stop to clean up his vomit or making sure he wasn't masturbating again out front. What can I say... Yes it feels good.

The mom in me however is make no mistake about it, heart-broken.

I just don't want to fall down anymore.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I'm alright.

Two blog posts in one week. Don't you feel lucky? ;)

I was talking to my son's case worker at PACT this morning and she asked me if I was alright then commented that I sound stronger then I ever have. Yes I am alright. As matter of fact I'm good for the first time in a long time.

I had my counselling session yesterday with ADAPT. We discussed my job and how I'm handling and balancing everything with my not smoking, my son, my hubby etc. I'm adjusting and settling into a good routine.

My son is a different story. He isn't adjusting. He isn't anything except digging himself deeper into alcohol and therefor schizophrenia.

I found out Monday morning that he had called dial-a-bottle to deliver his alcohol. He did this last Thursday. So he was drinking alcohol in his room, hiding it from me, knowing that I had no clue because he hadn't gone anywhere on his bike. He got 3 bottles, which was gone by Monday morning. He also tried to call them early Monday morning.

He no longer has cell phone service. It's his phone but the service I was paying for. He came to me asking for it back that he wanted to call his Nana. I offered him my phone that he can use that whenever he wants. Did he want my phone to call her? His answer was no. Of course not. He really didn't want it for that reason. He wanted it back to call dial-a-bottle.

I'm not sure why he hasn't gone to the liquor store on his bike yet. He has had money since Monday. He received a direct deposit from the government for around $300. He also discovered money from them on Thursday that he didn't tell me about since it was used for alcohol that he was hiding from me. I'm questioning if the liquor store has refused to serve him. He says no.

I tried talking to him this morning about him going to an addiction treatment center. He doesn't have a problem and it's not impacting his life... The only problem is my problem. My problem is with all my house rules being broken and not being shown any respect.

I called his case worker to find out where his applications for housing are at.

As time goes by and reach new steps in acceptance than I'm more and more reaching a point where I have to acknowledge that I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. The more I give the more I'm cushioning him from the consequences of his own actions.

However I guess what it really boils down to is where I'm at. I'm in counselling for myself. I have quit smoking. I am now working. Hubby just quit smoking too. He also started a new medication to help with some side affects from his other medications. We are trying to build a life. A good life. A healthy life.

I know my boundaries and I know what is good for me and what isn't. I keep letting them slip and get pushed aside because he is my son and I love him. As I act from a place of love, he acts from a place of addiction. Of self-centered I want and I should be able to have because I want...

Okay...

I'm ready for the next step. I'm ready to accept the consequences of the choices I want to make for my life because I want a better life and I deserve a better life. If my son wants the life that he is choosing then all I can say at this point is ok. Go and get it.

I thought I had more time to write this blog however someone regarding work called and now I have to start work in 10 minutes.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

A right of passage

Thought I would give a quick update...

Not a lot has changed over the past week. Getting more comfortable with the job and fitting myself into the schedule my boss wants me on. In my opinion the hours are... Well they are broken up throughout the day. Monday to Friday he wants 11:30 - 1, 4:30 - 6 then 8-10. Friday's 11:30 - 2 and Saturday's 9-1. The 8-10 shift is a no go for me. I'm not giving up what little time hubby and I have together during the week and once I get my son back on a sensible sleep schedule than 8 is our bedtime ;). There is also fact that I'm pretty sure calling after 9 PM is legally not a go. I don't get calling at 9 AM on a Saturday and not at 9 AM during the week when it's expected that people be up. Aside from that I'm booking appointments and have submitted my first invoice. So hopefully I will be seeing some money soon!

On July 6 my son's nurse was here for his weekly visit. Like I told his psychiatrist who was here the following day, I think I held it together pretty good. When I told his nurse about his excessive, not in private, out in public masturbating... His response was that since my son didn't have a girlfriend that masturbating was a right of passage and that him doing it out on the front veranda was behavioral. *pats self on back* for not losing it ;).

They drop of his medications every Friday in a blister pack (medications are in pop-out boxes for each day). Which I think is ridiculous and have told them several times it's not necessary but the PACT team insists on it. I guess they like it because when they visit they can see if patients/clients are taking their medications. Since my son doesn't get himself his meds, I do it, it's pointless. A waste of the pharmacists time and resources (and I think costs the government more money) and means every week someone has to come here on Friday instead of just giving me a months supply in a bottle. Anyways... Because I'm apparently not using the blister pack properly (haha) which means not starting the new pack on Friday when they bring it and instead using up the remainder of the previous blister pack, then his nurse couldn't understand what days medications he had missed. For clarification the blister packs have 7 days. Monday to Sunday. So I start a new one on Monday. Confusing right? His nurse thought so. So when I showed him that my son had missed taking his meds on Tuesday and Thursday, he decided that my son had missed 2 days in a row. Sometimes there is just no point in carrying on a conversation...

He did however set up an appointment for Michael's psychiatrist to come here the next day. I filled him. Let him know that even though I appreciate how his nurse is with Michael and that in that regard he is doing very good, that he doesn't take my concerns seriously or listen to me very well. His psychiatrist makes decisions based on the feedback from the other team members and when that feedback isn't relayed properly then I tend to get a bit upset. It's certainly not the first time I have dealt with this. His first nurse with PACT was bad for that too. She blamed almost everything on behavior. I asked his psychiatrist what to do when this happens. Call in and make an appointment with him.

We discussed medication options and decided to add back the Lithium. *shakes head* I have off and on been suggesting this since he was in the shelter in February. I asked for clarification on who I am thinking about my son's behaviors and if I was completely off track. It's a bit of both I guess. On one hand yes some things are behavioral and I can acknowledge that. Punching and kicking my door, behavioral. Insisting on smoking in his room, behavioral. Not knowing that it is inappropriate to masturbate in front of your mother or out in public because one can't see past the urge to do it, not so much. His psychiatrist agreed that this behavior is not normal even for him and he isn't doing it just to piss me off. The problem though is that upping medications will not necessarily correct this. Upping his Invega could cause the opposite affect of what we are looking for and make his negative symptoms worse. I can understand that. Adding the Lithium back should increase the effectiveness of his Invega and hopefully help with his negative symptoms. I think Lithium tends to act like an antidepressant with Michael whereas actual antidepressants do him no good. Why would they? In the bigger picture he is not depressed. He is experiencing negative symptoms which is different.

The Lithium was dropped off on Wednesday. Of course he missed his medications on Thursday due to alcohol. If anyone thinks that alcohol is harmless... Come see what I see. It's far from harmless for my son. It's keeping him unstable and robbing him of a future. Hopefully we have a 3 week break from it and I can work on getting him started on some sort of stability.

He has his days and nights mixed up again. I'm reminding him several times throughout the night to take his pills however he isn't taking them until morning and then sleeping. If it happens again tonight I think I may just let him miss them and try to start fresh tomorrow night.

As for the smoking in his room. It's a constant battle. Thursday night I found his whiskey bottle in his room. His psychiatrist agreed with me that Michael most likely has ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and sadly trying to discipline around and keep the appropriate boundaries is even more important due to the ODD. You let one slip and they all go. The mess he is making of his bedroom floor :(. They are shellacked and he throws his cigarettes on them when I walk into his room so I won't see it. Oh yes... According to him he is accidentally smoking in his room. Haha. Because you accidentally close your bedroom door, light an incense to cover up the smell and find something to use for an ashtray. Sometimes that is his garbage can with liquids thrown in it. I have removed his garbage can. He doesn't use it for actual garbage anyways. I have tapped a note to the top of the stairs that says 'no smoking, leave your smokes downstairs' and another one to his bedroom door. At least he can't pretend like he doesn't know the rule :).

The last day or so it's cigarettes... I have warned him and warned him that I'm quit and I'm not supplying him with cigarettes. He knew this when hubby took him to get cigarettes. He got 2 cartons which he now doesn't like. Where we go you can actually smoke in the store and you can try every kind of cigarette that they have to see if you like them. He tried them. I'm guessing he was more concerned with getting the cheaper ones so that he had money for alcohol. His choice. I also gave him the cigarettes that we had gotten for him from before which was another 4 packs. Yesterday he wanted me to buy him a couple of packs with the extra money he is giving me. He isn't giving me any money. Disability is sending me MY portion of his payments. I didn't respond to this comment at all. Then it was can he have a pack of hubby's. Hubby doesn't keep his cigarettes in the home anymore and he wasn't home yesterday. Kinda sad that we can't even keep our own things in our own home. Hubby is also quitting. We just got him patches too. So Michael I'm afraid is going to be shit out'a luck in the smoking department. The kicker though is that he does have cigarettes. He just doesn't like them.

So today is my day off! Yeah! I have to finish the laundry I started yesterday evening. I really need to clean the floors as Michael has spelt pretty much everything, everywhere. I need to wash his blankets too. Still haven't gotten him in the shower :(. He did have a bath on Monday night however that had more do with him liking being in the bathtub when he is drunk. God I hate alcohol!

I guess that wasn't a quick update after all. :)

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I have a job! I think... They are back!

It feels like forever since I last blogged and it's only been a week. What a week. I think for the first time in years I can say that I'm glad it's Sunday! So unless you're my daughter, my husband or an emergency, chances are I will not be answering my phone today.

Hubby has been teasing me because I'm usually the one commenting that we go to bed too early and since Wednesday I have been asking him to come to bed anytime after 7. My insomnia certainly hasn't been an issue lately. ;) I've been exhausted. A good exhausted though.

I was put in touch with someone regarding a work from home opportunity. On June 29 I received a call asking if I was available for training that night. Yes! The job itself is fairly easy. It's pre-screening callers to see if they qualify. I had heard the term inside sales before however I wasn't sure exactly what it meant. Now I know. Well at least from this company's perspective. There have been a couple of bumpy spots as I try to learn the system and what is expected of me. Still not completely sure of what is expected of me time wise but that's ok. I still have tons of questions that haven't been answered. Hopefully in time the answers will come. As I learn more about how it works the more confident I feel doing the work. The reason I say I think I have a job is because it hasn't really been confirmed. I guess we could call this my probationary period.

For the past week I have been mentally all in, trying to learn the ropes. I think I'm getting the hang of it pretty good. I know that I can be a little slow getting started. Ask my old bosses! ;) However once I have something, you can usually count on me to carry through and go the extra mile. Tell me what you need and I will do my best to accommodate. If you don't tell me... Well I will give you what I think you need and hope for the best. Which is what I'm currently doing.

So yes bed looks and feels really good now! It feels good to go to bed tired. A good tired. Not like when I go to bed exhausted from butting heads, with no end in sight, with schizophrenia, addiction and all it entails. That exhaustion is grueling and wearing on the soul.

I'm afraid I have nothing good to report on my son. His Invega still has not been upped. His case worker dropped off his weekly medication pack on Friday stating that his nurse has not been in so nothing has been done. Awesome!

Tuesday he got his disability money. Of course that meant a trip to the liquor store for vodka. Hubby did take him to buy cigarettes first. He got 2 cartons. One of them is almost gone. He has missed taking his medications twice. Once he argued with me that he had taken them, that I had given him his medications twice that night. Wednesday he wouldn't take them because of the alcohol he had drank. Saying it would make him sick. I don't know if he still has alcohol left. He bought two bottles and so far I have only seen one bottle in the garbage. He hasn't been out to his 'secret spot' that I'm aware of for the past two days. I don't know if it's because he has forgotten or just doesn't want to. Or the ever present possibility that he has snuck it into his room.

I did give him back the internet however I let him know that it's dependent on me finding out that he is smoking in his room or not. I think he is a little bit however not like he was. I know this because I'm hearing him come in and out all hours of the night.

Yesterday he stressed me out. I was working and he was sitting out front. Our front porch is part of one of the court yards where all the kids play and hang out. I happened to look out... Thank goodness he was wrapped in a blanket but what he was doing was obvious. I quickly went out and stopped or interrupted him and told him to get inside. Of course his answer was no that he was done now. Thankfully there was no kids out there when I went out. I'm really hoping that there wasn't before hand. :( Yes I freaked a little bit. But only a little bit. I let him know that that was not acceptable and that there are children playing and if a parent or child sees him doing that that they can call the police for doing indecent acts in public. I sincerely hope that no one else saw. Mental illness or not I don't think that having schizophrenia excuses that type of behavior and honestly I think his drinking is contributing to this behavior more then psychosis.

Speaking of that. Lately that is another thing that he has been trying to do. Blame schizophrenia. I have schizophrenia so it's not my fault that I'm smoking in my room. It's schizophrenia's fault that I kicked your bedroom door. Take me for a ride as it would really help my psychosis... Even he couldn't keep a straight face for long when I responded with: Good one.

It seems he kicked my bedroom door when I thought he punched it the second time. No memory lapses here. He remembers, just feels justified in doing it. Gucci our poor cat is now freaked out by him. She totally freaked when he did this. I have never seen her act like that. She hid behind the sofa for most of the night that night. Now even if she is relaxing on my bed with me and she hears him on the steps, she tenses and is ready to flee. She won't eat if he is around. I have noticed that she isn't sleeping with me the same. A couple of times I have found her sleeping on my chair downstairs which is new. Perhaps she feels trapped upstairs when he is up there.

The fruit flies are back! Yippee! I haven't been in my son's room much over the past week. After I cleaned it the last time I have pretty much avoided it. I know he is making a mess in there and honestly I just couldn't have cared a less. It seems pointless sometimes to even try and keep it neat or clean. I should have clued in after the last time. But no... I have been noticing them coming back and shaking my head as to why no matter how much I'm keeping the kitchen clean they are still there and in the living room. Last night Michael asked me to scratch his back so I went into his room and moved his garbage can. Yup you guessed it. Fruit flies.

I guess I have some caregiver chores to do today. Hubby had to work today so I'm just enjoying my quiet morning and my Facebook games. Once my son gets up I will 'try' to get him to help me clean his room. Even if that only means him holding the garbage bag ;). I still haven't gotten him in the shower so today is shower day for both of us since I need one too. I noticed my armpits... hmmm yeah. They  never smell. I guess I have been stressing while learning this job more then I thought.

Time for a fresh cup of coffee. Oh yeah. I'm still quit smoking! There was a couple of iffy moments over the past week where I really wanted one but I didn't. I think this job is helping some. It's not part of my routine to smoke while doing it which seems to be helping. Hours will pass where I don't even think about it. When the urge hits I do have nicotine lozenges.

I hope everyone here in Canada enjoyed their July 1st, Canada Day celebrations and that our neighbors to the south in the US enjoyed their July 4th, Independence Day celebrations.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

You've lost your muchness.

One of my favorite movies is Alice in Wonderland.



The above quote came to mind last night when I was lying in bed listening to my son on the phone with his Nana doing his usual venting/lying.

On Friday when his case worker dropped off his medications; no change... She wasn't there for the team meeting so she doesn't know what was said other then his nurse told her that he would talk to me about the fact that there was no change. I let her know what was happening and she said she would try to find out what was going on.

That afternoon I spent a long time with my son rubbing his back and talking to him. I had decided to order pizza for dinner and he wanted me to get larges so that he could have left-overs. I agreed. About 20 minutes later I walk into his room to ask him what he wanted on one of the pizzas and he was smoking... He told me that I needed to prove to him why he wasn't allowed to smoke in his room since he pays for it. *sigh* Yes he pays for the privilege of using it. Just like I pay rent for the privilege of using this townhouse. It's still not my townhouse. Again I remind him that his cigarettes need to stay downstairs.

What happened next I won't say as even though I blog I still don't think disclosing what he was doing is appropriate. I will just say that it was gross and he was doing it for about 15 minutes in the living room. Numerous times I asked him to stop. I asked him to take it to his room. I asked him to wash his hands. He refused to do any of it. Laughed at me when I got mad.

Yes I took away his cigarettes. I ask so little from him and give so much. I went upstairs. A little while later he comes up stating that he had washed his hands, can he have his smokes back, that he was only scratching his penis. He didn't say it so nicely to me. Also as far as I can tell he certainly hadn't washed his hands. I told him no, that he knows full well what he was doing. He punched my bedroom door twice, called me a bitch and told me to fuck off. Thankfully he walked away after that as I wasn't sure for a minute if I was going to have to call 911, which I didn't want to do.

Friday night I asked hubby to sleep in my/our bed so that I could take a sleeping pill. He agreed but then went to his own bed. *sigh* Wasn't much I could so since I had already taken it. If my son was up to no good that night then I wouldn't know.

Yesterday was pretty quiet. Once my son asked me to explain what he did wrong... Honestly he knows and was doing his normal manipulation of details to suite himself. I said I wasn't going to discuss it and reminded him that he had punched my door twice etc. He said that I deserved it. He can try to pretend/play like none of that happened with his Nana but he knows full well what he did and the difference between how he talks to me about it and how he talks to her about it is a dead give away that he knows and remembers exactly what he did. Telling her the truth wouldn't get him the same sympathy... meaning money as that is what he is looking for.

On a side not to all this. I still included him on ordering the pizza and he got to pick the makings of one large. He also got onion rings. As for the cigarettes. He is still not without nicotine. He has his vaporizer that his aunt got him for his birthday with 3 bottles of e-liquid and one of them contains nicotine. Upstairs sometimes overwhelming smells of him using it along with this incense kick that he has been on lately. The incense I'm pretty sure started to cover up the smell of cigarette smoke.

Last night when I heard him on the phone... I think a part of me broke. I just felt like crying. I just don't know what else to do. Sure I can give in to him smoking in his room. To what end? Do I next give in to him masturbating and other things in the living room? I give into that then it will be drinking... It will never stop until he is smoking, drinking & using in his room, being a complete slob, off his meds and psychotic.

Either way it's not a life I'm willing to live or have in my home.

I still haven't gotten over my withdrawal from schizophrenia related sites that started in May. I try. I log into the forum almost every morning and check for moderator related flags but the thought of reading and catching up... My Facebook page is suffering. I have not been participating or giving much support in any of the Facebook groups that I'm in. I try to read the posts but reading about more parents and caregivers going through their hell just makes me feel sick. I'm trying so hard to keep myself positive and distance myself from the negative that I can't read too much from others to even give them support.

The other day I responded to a tweet by Coach Amy White of the blog Far From Paradise. She asked what being a caregiver has taught us. My response: It's taught me that I'm stronger then I thought I was and weaker then I though I was.

If you had asked me in 2012 if I had it in me to deal with all that we have been through since, I'm sure I would have looked completely shocked and if I had known what was to come... Maybe I wouldn't have stayed at home and brought him home. But then again, he's my son and I love him and even if I didn't think I had it in me I'm sure I would have done exactly what I did. Knowing what I know now... Yes I would do it all again. So yes I found more strength than I knew that I had.

I have also found weakness. Times like now and the past couple of weeks where I just can't seem to find the fight anymore. I'm sure it's buried deep down somewhere as I always seem to find it.

Imagine where I would be without my antidepressant? ;) I'm tired. Mentally tired. I'm at a lose.

Yes I've lost my muchness... I'm off. Back to my Facebook games where I don't have to think of mental illness. Where the flowers are beautiful and things are made from magic.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.