Home again, home again, jiggety jig.

Yes my boy is home again...

Last night he called asking to come home. Earlier in the day I had spoken to his case worker from PACT about bringing him home so when he called I went with it. I agreed under the conditions that he participate with ADAPT for drug treatment and that we have to get the money thing straightened out with disability. Shortly after the shelter called to confirm what my son was saying about me picking him up. It turns out the lady at the shelter had given him a 'talking to' about what he was doing and how living with mom seemed like the best option for him.

When we picked him up and got into the car my son commented that one good thing came from him being at the shelter and that was realizing that living with me was the best place for him. Hubby and I just replied that we were glad something good came out of it. I'm thinking this was a reflection of what the shelter lady had said to him...

He did receive a payment from disability on Friday. This was concerning a lot of us as my son doesn't understand that people can take advantage of him for his money and if left for too long he could get himself into some serious trouble. He did buy an iPod yesterday and today hubby and I took him for cigarettes and to buy some stuff for his room. He paid for a TV and part of a futon while I paid for a computer chair in exchange for his tablet. Hopefully this will help cure him of sleeping on the sofa since he now has one in his room.

The first thing I had him do last night was have a shower. Today he put the corduroys back on and I told him to change ;) Last night he feel asleep on the sofa... I woke him up at 1 to go to bed and he ended up being awake all night. Hopefully he will sleep good tonight. I told him last night that he is not on enough antipsychotics and that I can see the psychosis on his face. He seems to have a lot of voices so I will see about making the Olanzapine a nightly medication. The Invega is good for other things but doesn't seem to touch the voices. He is now on an antidepressant, Citalopram/Celexa which he says helps him.

He seems happy to be home. He likes the new place. I'm happy he is home. I didn't realize how much I missed hearing: Mom... He also bought a new computer game today that I can hear him playing.

Me, I'm feeling somewhat dragged out. I think it's the Venlafaxine. I noticed today when we were out driving I was able to NOT comment on my hubby's minor 'road rage' which I usually can't resist doing so I'm guessing that's the Venlafaxine working. Hubby has been great today about driving my son around and helping to set it up stuff. Let me just say that futons are a biatch to set up!

Hubby had to go move some snow so I think I'm going to figure out the tablet and doing some reading on the Kindle app.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Brown Corduroy and Venlafaxine

I guess it was last Wednesday, after I attended the meeting at the shelter, that my son was given vouchers for the Salvation Army for clothing. I don't know what it is about brown corduroy that attracts him when he is not stable. He got a pair of corduroy pants and a brown coat. When he was in the shelter in September 2014 he found a brown corduroy jacket that he took a liking to. He seems to like the feel of it however I can't say that I like how he looks in these items.

Since last Wednesday hubby and I have seen him fairly frequently. Wednesday night hubby dropped off a carton of cigarettes on his way snow plowing. Thursday my son called, he needed a ride to disability as a check was waiting for him. That was an interesting conversation with his worker. Apparently I was making her feel guilty by trying to make her responsible for the money that office was giving him. Imagine that! Who should I be holding responsible? Avon? Anyways I apologized and stated that I'm frustrating with fighting every system to keep my son stable. He doesn't want to pay me room and board because he wants to buy 'luxury' items or drugs. She received the signed document giving me access to his file yet somehow doesn't seem to have the signed document stating that his room and board was to go into my account even though they were both dropped off and signed at the same time. She wouldn't acknowledge receipt of a fax I had sent the previous week stating my concerns. I can't say how many times I have been tempted to start writing letters to the local newspapers and our MP. I still might...

Eventually my son agreed to pay me room and board for January. I gave him $160 and agreed to allow $50 more for cigarettes that I would hold on to. Friday he was calling me stating that he had spent the $160 at a bar and was out of cigarettes. A carton in 2 days. His case worker from PACT saw him after that phone call and he told her he had $100. Not sure why he lied to her... or me. Friday hubby and I moved so I told my son that I couldn't make this a priority and he was going to have to wait. Saturday on the way to snow plow hubby dropped off 2 packs of cigarettes and $20. Sunday he is calling me that he is almost out of smokes and spent the $20 on junk food. Ya right! Monday we dropped of 4 packs of cigarettes and $5. Yesterday we dropped of 4 packs of cigarettes, some treats and $5. I told him that was it for the extra $50.

Last week I had him give me his tablet and Nvidia gaming system for safe keeping since he wasn't using it. He got into his head he wanted to sell them for furniture. You know for the place that he doesn't have... I told him I would think about buying the tablet from him when he gets a place so that he can buy furniture. Then he wanted me to sell the tablet and game so that he can buy a PSP portable. Hmmm no. I have done this twice now and I'm not doing it again.

He is supposed to get another check from disability tomorrow. He called me this morning wanting me to buy the tablet now so that he can have more money. If I had to hazard a guess at what is happening... It wouldn't surprise me if he is thinking about a plane ticket. If that is the case there is no way that I'm contributing to what I think will be the possible death of someone. Which would mean it's being discussed on a phone that I pay for, behind my back, again. Hopefully I'm wrong but if the past is an indication of the future...

Apparently my son said no to ADAPT for addiction help. He told me that he didn't but I have been told by I think 2 workers that he did. He is somewhat unstable however not unstable enough to not be up to his old tricks it seems. He is missing some doses of his medications. The night he went drinking of course being one of them. Sadly I don't think he has showered since he has been there and has been wearing the corduroys since he got them. Surprisingly he doesn't smell that bad.

Our move on Friday went very well. Thanks to my hubby's family it went quickly. I think this is the first time that I have been responsible for paying for my own electric heat. We pretty much froze for the first couple of days until hubby said that's enough. I guess seeing me sitting at my computer in a sweater, wrapped in a blanket with gloves on was a bit much ;) I just feel bad sometimes. I don't want to be any more of a drain on my hubby's money then I already am. My son does that enough ;) Still I didn't argue when he said turn up the heat. Now a sweater and slippers are manageable. We pretty much have everything set up except for putting up stuff on the walls. Yesterday we put my son's room together.

Tuesday I saw my family doctor for the remainder of my yearly physical. All my blood work looked good. It looks like my iron levels are up and my hemoglobin is now in normal range. I also had him put me on an antidepressant. I think a combination of worry/stress and my hormones are catching up with me. Everything was bothering me and getting on my last nerve. Poor hubby has been getting the brunt of it. My sensitivity to noise has gotten really bad to the point of wanting to cry over things that have only bugged me in the past. To be blunt, I've been a biatch with him since my son went into the shelter. Hubby says I'm losing weight. I've gone most of my life without people telling me I look or sound stressed. Now it's happening too often ;) He put me on Effexor or generic Venlafaxine. Started me on the lowest dose of 37.5 and to double it after 2 weeks. I asked to only stay on the minimum dose as I only want a little help until I can get things back together and I'm going to have to look into counselling. His office gave me some resources to look into. So it's up to me if I want to double it after 2 weeks. I joked with the pharmacist when I picked up the prescription that now it's my turn to be on meds. This is when I noticed that it was Venlafaxine as the doctor called it Effexor. Threw me for a second that I was being put on a medication that my son has been on.

The first dose made me fairly nauseous. Now it's not as long as I eat with it. It may be interfering a bit with sleep but that's hard to tell since my insomnia has been acting up again. I am taking it in the morning as it can cause bad dreams. I have noticed that sounds are not pissing me off as bad so that's a good thing. My doctor also said that it's a good med for menopause so it should be a good fit for what I'm going through. He mentioned hormone replacement therapy however I'm more comfortable treating my menopause with herbs and it's been working until now. I can up what I take for herbal supplements since I don't take the recommended doses anyways.

The day has gotten away from me so I'm off to start a loaf of bread. Make the house smell like home ;)

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

My Mom's Boyfriend

I have been thinking on this since last night. My son refers to my hubby as "My mom's boyfriend". He is my son's step-dad since hubby and I are common-law. The thing is... He is not just my boyfriend. He is not just my son's step-dad. No disrespect to anyone however my hubby as been there for me, my son and my daughter since he came into our lives, to the best of his ability.

So today I wanted to take the time to acknowledge my husband and all that he is, has been and continues to be for me and my family. He may not always have the patience or understanding that I sometimes expect from him. Really who does?

In September 2012 I decided to leave my job with my hubby's support. In April 2013 I brought my son home with my hubby's support. In July 2014 we drove across Canada for my daughter's grade 12 graduation. Three months ago we decided it was time to move to a bigger place as it looked like my daughter was going to be moving back with me. Of course my daughter has decided not to move and my son is currently in a shelter... So now we are moving into a 3 bedroom town-home and it's just the 2 of us :)

Yesterday evening my son called: Are you bringing me smokes? Without even hesitating my hubby was there to drive me to my son even though he had worked all day. Today he was there to drive me to the shelter for a scheduled meeting. Just like always he is there. He may not have a very good understanding of mental illness but he is trying and he is trying very hard. No matter what it is he says to me: Barb whatever it is you know that I'm behind you 100%. Do what you gotta do... The best part of that is that I know that I can count on him to be true to that.

He may not be my son's biological father however he has been there for over two years now for my son. Yes he finds it hard. We all find it hard. BUT he is willing to try. He is willing to put himself out there emotionally and financially for me, my children and by extension my children's family. It's my husband that is there trying to understand. So much to say however I will leave it at that and just say that he is the one making it all possible.

So thank you to my hubby for being a better husband and step-dad then I could have hoped for! To quote the movie Avatar: "I see you" and I love you for all that you are willing to put up with from me and my children.

Back to my son... I had a fairly nice conversation with a taxi driver today as hubby couldn't come back to get me after the meeting which I will discuss shortly, so I took a cab home. He asked me if I was working in the town he picked me up in? I said no that I didn't work and that I was visiting my son at the shelter because he is there due to mental illness. He asked me what mental illness? I told him schizophrenia and addiction. We actually had a nice conversation about it as he himself used to work in a facility that dealt with mental illness. A very nice man and he wished me good luck when he dropped me off. I thanked him stating I could use some ;)

I did go see my son at the shelter last Saturday and meet with the lady that I had spoken to on the phone. We went over my son's medications a little bit. They don't oversee medication compliancy so my son has been missing some doses here and there. Discussed my son's level of self-care which is pretty non-existent. They may not equipped to handle the support my son seems to need. I didn't put him there... Discussed his need for drug treatment which my son still doesn't want to acknowledge. I had taken him his winter jacket and brought back his other one. He called me later that night. I'm not sure what happened but his roommate accused him of touching his stuff and threatened him. I talked to the shelter the next morning and that guy was no longer there. The person I spoke to was working when my son arrived there so he was aware of my son's case and we talked for a minute about what was going on.

I went to see my son last night and bring him some smokes. Not sure what my son is saying however they were under the impression that my son was without the proper clothing and needed assistance with that. He has winter boots and a dresser full of cloths. He only has... Yes that's because he packed himself and his goal at the time had nothing to do with what he was going to wear but with the opportunity to get high. So I packed a small suitcase this morning with his boots, another pair of jeans, long sleeved shirts and more socks and underwear. Last night he was supposed to have a shower. That didn't happen. It probably won't unless someone 'guides' him into having one.

Today I went to the shelter and meet with my son's case worker from PACT, the lady from Ready4Life and one of the shelter staff. Actually the guy I just spoke about. I wasn't sure how it was going to go with the lady from Ready4Life or how I was going to react to her... but it was fine. We discussed my son's possible housing options. We are all in agreement that he isn't capable of living on his own. He can't see that which makes it harder because they can only do what he will agree to. As far as I can tell the goal is to get him into the group home that better fits him because he can't be in the one that expects him to be out during the day.

I guess the shelter had tried to have my son agree to go to Safe Beds as they can offer more support and oversee medications however as usual for my son he declined. I explained that because my son is not stable that I think he confuses this time in the shelter with September 2014. He put up resistant to getting the right kind of help then too. He turns his back on and puts up road blocks to those trying to help him because right now his addiction is controlling him. He doesn't want support... He wants freedom. One comment he made was the he wants to snort percocets for the rest of his life. Not hard to tell where his thinking is at since he used to snort his Nana's perks.

At least this time we all seem to be on the same page and because we were all together my son didn't put up much resistance to all of us working together to help him achieve his long-term goal of having his own place. It came up about him coming home... That's not an easy question to answer. I would love to have my son come home however the reality is that once he gets it into his head that he wants to use then all of his promises of not being disrespectful or violent and doing chores etc, all go out the window.

We all tried to impress on him that this is the time that he needs to start making the right decisions. He can only stay at this shelter for 30 days. I'm ok with him coming home in between if it's needed however he still needs to participate in making choices that are going to keep him stable. He has it in his head that he doesn't have to worry about it because he will have his own place by then. Or he thinks he will be in British Columbia? Not if I have my say. I can't see him getting the same assistance as last time from the case workers here as they seem to already have a much clearer picture of how my son is acting. It wasn't even me this time that first commented that certain behaviors could be considered manipulative. Yes A++ in that skill ;).

I think the short-term goal is to get him into Safe Beds as they are much better equipped to deal with my son's issues. He did agree to have Safe Beds oversee his medications as I guess they are in the same building. It's a start. I did on several occasions speak to my son and try to get him to pay attention. I can't say I like it when people talk to him and he is obviously not paying attention to them and they keep talking... So I step in and get his attention and repeat what they had to say in words then I think will make sense to him. I asked him what he plans on doing if it comes to the point of his 30 days being up there and he doesn't have housing in place because he is not going back to BC. I had to repeat that scenario twice which is fine because that means he was listening. He seemed less resistant to Safe Beds after that and agreed to them overseeing his medications.

Whether we can get him into some sort of drug treatment is still up in the air. The lady from Ready4Life will be contacting ADAPT which is for addiction services. Maybe they can help to teach him how addiction is controlling his live. He doesn't see it as a problem. I explained to him that if his need to use is affecting his life and choices then it is a problem. Someone doesn't have to be drunk all the time or high all the time to have an addiction problem. If it changes who they are then it's a problem and my son's need/want to use changes who he is and how he acts. Also it furthers his schizophrenia which keeps him unstable.

Not sure exactly what is happening with disability. They still haven't called me back however my son says he is getting a check direct deposited next week. They did process him a drug benefits card which PACT has so they are now taking care of ordering and getting his medications.

Poor hubby... He is getting off of work, taking me to get my son smokes which is a 20 minute drive each way and then he may have to go work his second job of snow plowing.

Oh... Did you see that my blog got accepted here: Mental Health Writer's Guild. My Facebook page reached 500 likes yesterday. Ya me!

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Brick by Brick

My new Facebook page has been growing. I feel privileged for the opportunity to share my story with others. A picture/quote that came across my news-feed yesterday:



I'm not saying that anyone is throwing bricks at me however sometimes it feels that way. Yesterday was an emotional day for me. Regrettably I lost it a little bit on several people. I don't regret my feelings, not at all. I do regret acting on them. Having vented some of my frustration, I think today I am in better control and able to blog about it without being to negative... At least I hope so :).

Thursday evening my son called, stoned, stating that he was being getting kicked out of the shelter due to marijuana use. I could hear someone in the back ground talking to my son about him going to another shelter. At this point I wasn't worried about my son having a place to go as it sounded like it was being taken care of. I did call the shelter shortly after and got privacy laws quoted to me. They passed on the message to my son that I had called and he called me back. He let me know that they had agreed to let him stay. I asked him to sign a release so that I could talk to the shelter and he refused.

From my point of view based on limited information, my son was safe and it appeared he was playing at the same game as September 2014. Honestly I still think he is to a certain degree however hopefully it all won't play out the same way.

Please note: Below is a reflection of my thoughts and feelings. It is my blog after all :)

The last time that I had spoken to my son's Nana was on Tuesday and she said she would probably call me back later that day. I had asked her to not agree to my son having the option of going back to British Columbia because when this happens it gives my son the freedom to turn his back on me and the services available to him here. My son isn't looking at long-term anything. He only sees if he is getting what he wants which for him right now is the opportunity and freedom to use marijuana. Whether it's today, tomorrow or 6 months down the road. I know the mindset of an addict and suffering through anything is worth it if you know the opportunity to use again is waiting.

Wednesday night I commented to my hubby that she hadn't called... My hubby told me to call her because he felt that there was something going on behind my back again. I got mad at hubby, telling him to revisit his CBT thinking and that I believed we weren't going to go down that path again. That we were talking this time and that she had given me her word. Sometimes I should listen to my hubby ;).

In between all this I'm trying to get a hold of disability and limit the damage that I am afraid my son will do to himself if he gets what he wants. Since my son wouldn't sign a release and no one at the shelter would call me back I was under the impression that my son was being taken care of and that everything was ok. Well aside from the fact that he was in a shelter...

Yesterday I started to get an uneasy feeling since I had still not received a phone call which at this point I found really odd. I decided to call Nana myself. I can't say that the conversation went very well. Eventually I had to hang up before I completely lost it. This is when I find out that obviously my son had signed a release for the shelter to talk to his Nana. This is when I find out that she had called the shelter about them not kicking him out. Yes I am grateful for that.

Honestly I don't remember all of the conversation as some key phrases caught my attention. As I stood outside smoking, trying to keep my cool and listen... I didn't keep my cool. 'I don't want him out in the snow.' I have heard this before and the result of this thinking got my son the worst break he has ever had. I don't think I can describe the fear for my son's future that overwhelmed me. 'He can't come here now but after he....' Like I said before in my son's way of thinking he has already won the opportunity to get what he wants which is the freedom to use marijuana. A little FYI. My daughter currently lives with Nana. The thought of her being physically put in harms way makes me feel sick to my stomach. 'She won't be living here then...' For me these few words told me all that I needed to know OR was able to retain at the time.

I think what totally pushed me over the edge was being told that I was wrong in believing in 'tough love' and that everyone else was telling her that I was wrong. I couldn't get my mind around it. Who was everyone else? At this point no one knew my side of what had happened. What professionals had been consulted? I find out that the same women from Ready4Life that had previously been involved, is involved again and as far as I can tell played a very incompetent game of telling both Nana and myself that we were doing the right thing and after assuring me that she would not drop the ball... Dropped the ball.

I'm not proud of some of the things that I said. I do regret letting my feelings of hurt, fear and betrayal govern my words. I don't regret my feelings. In my eyes what happened is that my son was once again give the opportunity to turn his back on me and the kind of support that I want to provide because I believe he can be and do better. All I could see was my son being in the same situation in British Columbia that he has been in time and time again. Things may not always be smooth sailing here in Ontario however his schizophrenia and more importantly his addiction has not been given free reign to wreck havoc on his brain.

I'm still having a hard time getting my mind around this. Just like the last time I am but a phone call away. Physically I am 20 minutes away from my son. If anything about my actions are in question. Pick up the phone and call me! If my son is literally at risk of being out on the streets. Pick up the phone and call me! I thought that there had been an agreement after the last fiasco that we would pick up the phone... "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."

I was so pissed off by the time I got of the phone. I was shaking and struggled to not cry. I came inside and I thought this is enough. The shelter needed to be set straight and any misconceptions that I was feeling they may have needed to be addressed. I called them and said: This is 'blank's' mom and I know that you can't talk to me but I KNOW that you can listen and I need to talk to someone about my son. I was put through to someone.

I am so thankful that I had enough sense to not let this go and to in a sense push myself onto the shelter. I am also thankful that the lady I spoke to was understanding of my yelling at her. Yes I yelled at her a lot. I couldn't understand how it was that I had called and left a message on Tuesday stating my son's diagnoses and for them to call me with no return phone call. Or that his Nana was able to be involved from another province yet I was being excluded. Granted it is partly due to my son's wonderful resistance to signing a release giving me access.

One of the first things I was told was that the police dropped of my son stating that I had kicked him out. I was again shocked. Yes I yelled at her: I did not kick out my son. He did this all on his own because he doesn't want to pay me room and board and wants to get high. And he got what he wanted as he did get high. Through a fair amount of yelling and even some tears I managed to, I hope, give them a bigger picture of what is going on. I think a apologized several times for yelling. She was very nice about it saying she could hear me crying...

I guess the reason they had not called me is because they had been told that I had kicked out my son. I guess it looked like I was turning my back on my son and not being supportive. I made it very clear that I have been here and that every decision that I have made has been based on the advise of professionals. Yes my son's grandmother loves my son. I have never denied that however when that love keeps my from learning to manage his own illness and addiction or accept responsibility for his actions then yes I have an issue.

My son needs support. I am in complete agreement. They were not aware that my son was a part of The PACT Team and that through this team he has access to a psychiatrist, nurse, case worker and peer support. Yes they are understaffed at the moment which complicates things however my son has refused to participate actively in his own treatment. Why should he? Every time things get tough he gets to run away instead of learning to help himself.

My son needs anger management and treatment. Again I'm in complete agreement. I have known for 2 years now that my son needs anger management. I can only work with the services that I am aware of and PACT does not offer anger management. He needs drug rehab and treatment. I have looked into those too. My son refuses. So unless he is in a situation like he is currently in, my hands get tied as to what I can do. Unless I get power of attorney I can't force my son to take these steps. Instead I get to try my best to but things back to together, to have them torn apart again and again.

Because of my phone call and resulting 'temper tantrum' the lady had my son sign releases for me and the PACT team! *big sigh of relief* I am no longer on the outside of this situation. *fingers crossed* he may even get transferred into a treatment facility where he should have gone years ago. There was also talk of other services that I was unaware of. Like I said I'm so glad I made that call. In the beginning I could hear/feel the walls that were up regarding me. I do believe I tore them down. At least I really hope so because my goal here is NOT to increase my son's suffering but to increase his chances of having a future.

I texted him last night letting him know that I love him. He replied that he loved me to. Brick by brick I will rebuild...

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Liar liar pants on fire

I came across this picture today and it made me giggle. As any caregiver of someone with a mental illness knows, we sometimes need a little humor in our lives.

Wouldn't it be nice... Or if their noses grew like Pinocchio. Honestly it's not just our mentally ill loved ones. I would like to see this happen to a lot of grown ups I know too. ;)

Monday night things went south again. This time I can at least have the comfort of knowing that I did nothing to provoke it.

I was in bed when my son came into my room. He started and I asked him to leave, letting him know that I didn't appreciate how he has been talking to me and that there was no excuse for it. Him getting mad is not a good enough reason for calling me the things that he did. He left my room however stood outside the door continued to try and 'reason' with hubby and I that he was entitled to make up the rules since it's his place because he pays half the rent. The fact that he hasn't paid us anything since July 2014 is apparently a mood point to him. I closed my bedroom door. He kept it up. I asked him to stop. The swearing at me started... It still surprises me sometimes when I can hear it his tone that he is very much in control over what he is saying and swearing or calling me names on purpose.

Finally I opened the door and stop in front of him and told him he needed to stop or leave. He grabbed my arm and pushed me. Apparently I made the mistake of standing in front of his bedroom door and according to him he was justified in pushing me because I was in the way. If he had wanted in his bedroom he could have went in there instead of standing outside my bedroom door swearing and calling me names. There was no indication that he wanted to go into his room.

I told him that if he touched me like that again I would have him charged. I could still see and feel where he grabbed me 45 minutes later. Sshh Hubby doesn't know this. Hubby heard me say this and got out of bed saying this was enough. The sight that greeted him when he got to my son's bedroom door... My son pulling down his pants, showing me his ass and telling me to kiss it! Adorable isn't he? I told my husband to not get involved and pushed him back because yes my hubby was not impressed. For me, seeing my son's ass defused my anger. All I could think as I looked at it was: Boy if you were 5 years old I would be paddling that ass! Before you think child abuse! No I didn't make it a habit of spanking my kids ;)

I just looked at my son and told him that the way he was acting and the words coming out of his mouth were disgusting. He actually looked a little shocked. Then said he was going to call COAST which is the crisis outreach team in our area. Ok.. Make sure you tell them that you just pushed your mother and have been swearing and calling her names. Suddenly he was all business. Called them and said that he needed assistance and a place to stay. I went back to my bedroom and let him do his thing. I could hear by his answers that they were asking him mental health questions. He then called some shelters.

What floored me was he then called 911 stating that he needed a place to go because his mom's husband had physically threatened him with violence. I just sat there as I listened to him give 911 my husbands name. Pictures of my hubby being hulled off in handcuffs. Yes I know I was overreacting but seriously you never know. It's not like the police haven't made things worse before. I did nothing. My son started packing his stuff. He's getting good at this part. Hubby and I went out for a smoke as I wanted to meet the police when they arrived and let them know what had really happened.

They came in. The one officer pointed out to my son that the police were not a taxi service. The other officer told my son when he again spoke about my hubby threatening violence, that he was an adult and perfectly within his rights to leave if he didn't like it here. They left with him and took him to a shelter.

When my son was making his phone calls it hit me. What this was all about. No one had said anything to him about a shelter. No one had threatened him. He wanted this to happen. Why? Because he doesn't want to pay me room and board from the check he thinks he is getting this week. This is what happened in September 2014. He got to keep the whole check and he got high. Yes he got robbed of most of it but he still got marijuana. In his eyes that's a win. The way that he became totally coherent to make the calls and write down the numbers... Mind boggling.

What I was seeing had little to do with schizophrenia and a whole lot to do with addiction and manipulation. He couldn't get benzo's from his treatment team or hospital so he went with plan B. Honestly who can blame him. It worked the last time.

I find myself yet again in between that proverbial rock and a hard place. The rock being my right to not be abused and to be treated with respect and the hard place being my son's schizophrenia and addiction. I get that he isn't stable right now. I get that he is being controlled by addiction and perhaps some delusional thinking. Still... Son or not... I don't have to accept this type of behavior. No where in all the information regarding addiction or mental illness does it state that family members should allow themselves to be abused because a loved one has a mental illness.

My son called me yesterday. Mom, I want to come home... Has my check come in? I guess he forgot that in September he left with his check on him. Ops! I told him he couldn't come home right now that he caused this to happen and he has to deal with the consequences. I asked if he called for another reason other then wanting his check? Well I do want my check...

I know what shelter he is in and it's actually fairly nice. As far as I know it's the one he went to for a couple of hours the last time he called 911. Industrial area so shouldn't be drug traffic. Nice main room with computers and TV. You could tell the people there were a different crowd then the one he was in in September. I'm not worried about him there. Really if my son wants trouble bad enough he can find even from here. They will lock up and administer his medications. He will be fed and on a sensible sleep schedule. Honestly it's probably a good spot for him right now.

My biggest concern right now is trying to figure out what is happening with his disability payment. Yes I want my portion for room and board. We could use the money. He isn't cheap to support! Although my main concern is him not getting it. I know that sounds harsh but I live in reality. $800 would most likely get him in jail or worse. At the very least another psychotic break when he hasn't recovered from the last one.

I called disability and reception would not put me through to a supervisor this time. Told me to leave his worker another message and to fax them something stating my concerns. So I walked to Staples and faxed them a letter stating that my son doesn't want to pay me room and board for the second time and that I'm pretty sure he wants the money for drugs and I'm fearful of him ending up in jail or worse. He is not capable of handling his own finances. That was 4 hours ago. No phone call yet...

I did talk to his case worker at PACT. She has been trying to get in contact with the shelter. She had talked to my son's psychiatrist and team and his psychiatrist stated absolutely no benzos. I told her what has happened and she said it sounds behavioral. Honestly as time goes by I'm in agreement. I do know it's being fueled by his symptoms and addiction however it's still his choice to act the way that he is. He believes that no one else matters, period.

I did leave a message at the shelter to have someone call me.

So here we are again... Maybe this time he will get the help that he needs.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

It's none of your business... It doesn't take much.

First I would like to highlight some of the reading that I have been doing the last couple of days.

This blog caught my attention and I'm loving it: Behind The Walls
A couple of articles in particular that I really liked are: "Why a fear of labels can cause more damage then calling it like it is" and "The dangers of 'coddling' a child who lives with a serious mental illness. Five ways to be supportive instead".

Another site that I came across is: Empowering Parents
3 Parenting styles that undermine your authority
The Jekyll and Hyde Child

I have read and reread articles on keeping boundaries in place and keeping to the rules even more so when dealing with ADHD and/or ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). Still I let them slip...

Saturday night I didn't stop him from sleeping on the sofa. Maybe one day I will learn... We had a good dinner. The chicken turned out good. Hubby again had to go snow plowing and left early evening. Around 9 or 10 I suggested to my son that he take an Olanzapine to knock out the voices and to get a good nights sleep as he hadn't slept much the night before and was up all day. He surprisingly easily agreed and went and took one and his Invega. Then dragged his blanket out to the sofa... I tidied up his room and fixed up his bed and told him to go to bed and watch his tablet or something. He went to bed and I went to read in bed.

Within about 15 minutes I could hear him almost hysterically laughing. I went to check on him as for a minute I wondered if he was crying... No he was laughing. I again suggested he watch something on his tablet as he wasn't helping himself by putting so much attention into the voices. I told him that if he continued to do so that he may make it worse and possibly bring on tactile hallucination which I know he doesn't like. He did start playing a game on it. For about 10 minutes... Then he was dragging his blanket out to the sofa again stating he was going to watch TV. I reminded him that he wasn't sleeping on the sofa.

I dosed off for a bit and woke up I think around 11:30. Of course he is asleep on the sofa. I wake him up and he states: I'm going to sleep here tonight. No you are not. Hubby wasn't home but he would need the sofa when he got home since that is where he sleeps now due to his restless legs being so bad. I nicely shooed him off to bed. My hubby's pillow was soaked with my son's sweat. I'm sure the sofa was too. So I took off the pillow case and went hunting for another one. Didn't find one ;)

My son got up around 11:30 today. I asked: How did you sleep? Good. Then I asked: How are the voices? I guess today that question wasn't ok again. I got told it was none of my business. This time I let him know that that comment pissed me off. I didn't yell or anything like that however I did calmly tell him that he had pissed me off. That he is my business and so is his mental health. If he is not my business than he can call disability today and straighten out his file since he is on it due to his mental health which is none of my business. Then I went for a smoke. Sadly I'm smoking more lately...

A little while later he decides to tell me that he has no entities and that the they are voices now and aren't real. I had to ask him: Now was that so hard? Reality is he probably wants me to call disability for him.

Several hours later I brought up to him about sleeping on the sofa and that he had slept on my hubby's pillow and soaked it with sweat. He insists he didn't sleep on the sofa... He started bringing out the room and board contract we had signed stating I couldn't do... I pulled it out and read it. Along with the things he is supposed to be doing per the contract and isn't. It was starting to turn into a disagreement so I finally said: If you don't want to acknowledge it then that's ok. And I started putting my stuff on to go out for another smoke!

I'm not sure where the verbal outburst came from but it came... I got called a string of derogatory comments and swore at. So many I couldn't count them. I calmly walked over to where the wireless internet is and unplugged it stating: Well you have lost the internet for a while. (Rule is one day for each offense so I think around 10?) He calmly got up and left for a smoke. Now the tell-tale sign that my son was in complete control over what he was saying was the fact that when he left he very quietly closed the front door. The way he had talked to me was on purpose.

Shortly after his case worker showed up with his Invega. I gave her a quick rundown. She tried to talk to him and he laughed it off, said it was funny that he called me what he did. Then he tried asking for Ativan. Could he get it if he went to the hospital? She said not likely that his psychiatrist won't prescribe it and it's on his file at the hospital that he is benzo seeking.

I did discuss with his case worker then I'm really believing that the Olanzapine is bringing out aggression in my son. This is probably the 3rd time that I have seen him become more aggressive after taking it. Everyone says it shouldn't... Tell that to my son ;) Don't get me wrong as I do believe he was in control and that it is behavioral just being fueled by something. Either the Olanzapine or voices... Yet the Olanzapine seems to knock out the voices so that would even more point to the fact that his behavior is not schizophrenia related. I'm seriously on the fence with the Olanzapine. Knock out voices vs. apparently causing aggression.

I did bring up perhaps upping his Invega due to the brief conversation my son and I had Sunday morning about the fact that he shouldn't have to be killing entities in his head like he was. He stated he liked doing it... laughing at her. Finally I just said to his worker that he doesn't appear to be stable enough to be having this conversation. Although I would bet a paycheck (if I had one) on the fact that he made it appear worse to strengthen his case on  needing/wanting benzos. She is going to talk to his team about his behavior and see what they have to say. She may also be scheduling him an appointment with his psychiatrist as he is due and discussed having him participate in some of the groups and activities. One of them being swimming on Mondays. She thinks he needs out more. I agree.

He is supposed to make dinner tonight. We had spoken about that this morning. Before the disagreement ;). Hubby is now home and it's dinner time. I haven't reminded him will be his reason for not doing it. It's on his calendar which is on the end table... that he refuses to look it.

Perhaps another dinner out for hubby and I. He has been working so much I have hardly seen him this last week or so, so we could do with the one on one time.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Baby boy can we talk about medications?

Friday night my son actually went to bed early, around 9:30 and slept until 11:30 on Saturday. Saturday was an uneventful day with him spending some time on his computer playing games. Once he asked about what he could do to get a World of Warcraft subscription. Stating that he has been doing dishes... He has done dishes twice and he is supposed to be cooking dinner on Mondays and helping to clean the bathroom on Fridays which hasn't been happening. I nicely stated that I wasn't going to pay him for things that he should be doing to contribute to the household then went out for a cigarette. This is becoming my way of keeping myself from continuing or participating in needless discussions.

That evening I decided to take my cell phone to bed and read a book that I had downloaded on the Kindle app. My son came in and asked if we could watch a movie in my room. I try not to encourage him being in that type of situation with me. Besides the fact that he is physically an adult, I am aware that some of his thinking patterns when he is unwell can be sexual in nature and these thoughts don't discriminate regarding family. I don't know if he has ever had these types of thoughts (images, dreams and/or hallucinations) about me however I do know that he has about another family member and some other pretty out there imaging. I also know that tactile hallucinations can be sexual in nature. However I did agree to us watching a movie together in my bed. He picked out Snow White and The Huntsman.

I think for the second time I commented that he really needed to have a shower. He agreed and went to have a bath instead. I reminded him to wash, just like doing dishes, just being in water doesn't get them clean. After he was done we started watching the movie. Hubby had been snow plowing all day and got home when the movie was almost over and my son decided he had enough of the movie and was off to bed. I reminded him to take his pills.

I realized this morning when I got up that he must not have taken his Invega. I knew that he had been on the sofa during the night. When I got up at 6:30 he was too alert so I figure he didn't sleep. I asked him if he had taken his pills (Invega and Melatonin) and he said no. I suggested that he may want to do that. Notice how I said suggested... I don't tell him to take his medications. Coming from me it triggers his defiance or ODD. I suggest by saying things like: I think it would be a good idea if you took them. In a nice and monotone voice of course. If he doesn't... he doesn't. He did :)

Sadly this meant an increase in symptoms. Laughing out loud like he couldn't contain himself. Thankfully this seems to have calmed down as the day went on.

I came across this article the other day from HuffPost: The Consequences of Mental Illness That Nobody Talks About. Due to my research into schizophrenia I am aware that the three main types of symptoms are positive, negative and cognitive. The National Institute of Mental Health has a good break down here: Schizophrenia. The HuffPost article makes a very good point. If it wasn't for my research I would have no idea about the affects of schizophrenia and/or other mental illnesses on cognition. I speak about it when talking to his treatment team BUT no one has ever brought them up to me.

Sometimes it is the smaller things or the things that no one warns you about that can pull at my heart more then the positive and negative symptoms of schizophrenia. I seem to take some things in stride easier. Yes it hurts my heart when he is telling me about his voices/entities or tactile hallucinations. Yes it hurts my heart when I see him not playing computer games that I know he loves.

What broke my heart today was seeing my son standing in front of his dresser to get dressed to go grocery shopping and he was lost. Just standing there, in a shirt and underwear, looking at his dresser. I went in, pulled out a pair of pants and handed them to him. I also got a facecloth with soap and washed his face for him. He let me... Honestly I would rather he push my hand away and tell me he was too old to have his mother washing his face. As parents I'm sure most of us have been there and smiled when our little ones did this as a way of showing us their independence. Instead he stood there and let me. He stated he had washed his face yesterday. Which was really on Thursday when we went to the doctors.

He came into the bathroom to brush his teeth. I think hubby reminded him to. He told me something about his voices. I forget what now. Before this I had asked him if he was ok as I was concerned about him coming shopping with us if he couldn't ignore them. It's not what others may think that I worry about but him walking into something or someone because he isn't paying attention. He said that he was done killing them so they were gone for now... So when he entered the bathroom and said whatever it was I suggested ;) that maybe on Monday we could talk to someone about his medications because he shouldn't have to be dealing with them like this. He agreed... *fingers crossed* he is still in agreement after I talk to his treatment team!

Grocery shopping I didn't need to be worried about him wondering off. He stayed right beside me, following me, even when I wanted him to stay put for a second. Once I had to make sure I had his attention and say: Stay here for a minute so the cart isn't in the way while I get something. If I wanted him to follow my hubby instead of me then I had to tell him to follow hubby. And of course I watched to make sure he did ;). When we were getting the groceries out of the trunk I told him that I needed his muscles and right away he was there, took the bag I wanted him to and offered to close the trunk for me.

So for today anyways, it's not what schizophrenia gives him but what schizophrenia takes away from him that has me crying some on the inside. He will always be my baby boy however him letting me treat him like my baby boy is just not right!

Time to finish getting dinner ready as hubby has to snow plow again this evening. I decided to roast a chicken and I must say it is smelling good.

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Is there something wrong with....? Misophonia.

In my last blog post I spoke about my concern that my son may not be on the right or right dose of medications. I didn't speak about his vaporizer. I know that when he chews snuff or chewing tobacco that this seems to trigger his symptoms somewhat. Nicotine stimulates dopamine which as we know can cause/contribute to psychosis. The E-liquid that my son is currently smoking is non-nicotine. Does that mean that it isn't stimulating the pleasure/reward (dopamine) parts of his brain? I think that it is.

Saturday he used his vaporizer a lot. So this may be what is contributing to my son's current hiccup in experiencing voices and/or symptoms. The amount of medications that he is on may or may not be enough depending on what he is doing to counteract what the medications are trying to do. Still I have to remind myself that it has only been three months since he 'broke his brain' in a manner of speaking. It takes time to heal and as I said to his Nana: He is limping. :)

He still has voices... Not to hard to tell that he is 'listening' as he responds to either his voices or thoughts by laughing out loud and sometimes he is way to content to just lie there with a big smile on his face. They are entertaining ;)

The last couple of nights he has started to slip a bit and is staying up late again and therefor sleeping in. This morning I refused to go in and turn off his cell phone alarm that is set for 10 AM. He finally got up and turned it off at 10:45...

A little add in about myself... I think I may have Misophonia. Also known as Selective Sound Sensitivity Syndrome. Basically hatred of sound(s). Thankfully I don' t have it to the extend of outside heavy machinery bothering me... Not usually anyways. However the irrational anger at certain types of noises that I consider to be unnecessary like wheezing, chewing and other mouth noises including grunting and groaning to name a few. I can honestly say they make me want to.... So yah! I actually brought it up to my hubby's doctor yesterday if he had heard of it. Yes he has. Treatment can be CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy. I do use this to a certain degree as so far I have not physically lashed out at my hubby (and sometimes my son), even though there are times I want to hurt them, because I love them and know they aren't doing it on purpose. There have been several times sitting between them when I felt like losing it. Hubby grunting, groaning and crumpling things and my son wheezing... Fun times!

So back to the alarm going off for 45 minutes... Yes it was driving me crazy. He got up and came out and went back to sleep on the sofa. We all know how much I'm against that... however I didn't say anything even with his snoring! 1:20 PM I tell him he needs to get up and do something... anything. His response was: Is there something wrong with me just lying here? And do what?

Right or wrong has nothing to do with it. He is slowly getting his nights and days messed up again and spending that much time just lying there in his own 'head space' is not good for him. As for doing what... I don't care what. Play a game, watch his tablet, do laundry, tidy his room... I told him I was going out for a cigarette and I wanted him up by the time I came back. He was heading out for a smoke when I came back in!

He was playing a game for bit. Star Wars... Which he can play for free! Remind me of this the next time he asks me to pay for it so he can have better items. Now his room is quiet.

He did do the dishes on Wednesday. He commented that we should be doing them every day. I do... Shows how much he pays attention. I don't have a dishwasher and only one sink so letting dishes pile up for days is not an option. It was actually a nice feeling. Him doing the dishes, me making a loaf of bread and us just being together doing 'normal' stuff.

Yesterday he came with hubby and I for hubby's doctors appointment. It was a good opportunity to get him in clean track pants and have him do some basic hygiene. We went to Burger King (fast food restaurant) for dinner. I don't mind missing cooking sometimes...

I have a new disorder to learn a bit about! Aspergers. I think hubby is... and his doctor thinks I may be right. There are things that ADHD just doesn't cover and a lot of the Aspergers traits seems to be what I'm seeing. I assured hubby that I wasn't looking to have him on another medication. I wanted his doctor to give us some good resources or reading material like his other two books. He will in the future. For right  now we are keeping things as they are with his two medications as decreasing the Ciprelax hasn't been easy on him. I assured his doctor, despite hubby's complaints, that he was doing awesome! I have been impressed! I guess I need to tell hubby that. Hubby and doctor where happy to hear it. ;)

I almost forget to mention disability. In case you follow me on Twitter and saw my murphy's law comment. That letter I previously mentioned that his case worker had received from his old disability office... had incorrect dates/facts on it. It stated that his file was opened January 2013 and closed December 2014. No mention of the dates in between where it had been closed and re-opened. So yes they are looking into processing his file HOWEVER the payments that he received out here from August to September 2014 are now considered an over-payment as he was according to this letter receiving income assistance out there and you can't 'double dip'. Peachy isn't it?

I of course called BC disability... Sat on hold for well over 20 minutes and no surprise got disconnected like I always do. Called his case worker at PACT and left her a message stating the issue.

Just waiting to confirm if we can book the moving truck and if we can then we are moving on the 21st! Yes!

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

He is not OK. Medications.

Like the title says... I really wish that I could pinpoint what triggered or caused this to be happening since Saturday night however I think what it boils down to is the wrong medication(s). For two years now I have read articles and stories about the difference that the right medication(s) and the right dose of medication(s) can make.

Currently my son is only taking one antipsychotic regularly and that is the Invega. He does take Olanzapine sometimes but only when I'm able to 'nicely' suggest it so that he can get a good nights sleep. As I did last night and he said that he took one.

In the past my son was the most stable and recovering while on Clozapine/Clozaril and Risperidone. How many of you add these medications to your computer's dictionary so that you know if you have spelled them right or not? ;) In June 2014 before the Adderall my son was maintaining stability and improving on 150 mg of Clozapine and 1 mg of Risperidone. Over a period of about nine months he had titrated down from 450 mg to 150 mg of Clozapine. Neurontin/Gabapentin and Trazodone was also in there however he never took it regularly. So he was doing really good on two antipsychotics that he took regularly. We added the Adderall for ADHD, lost stability and unfortunately have not gotten back to where he was in June 2014.

As most parents/caregivers know med-compliancy is a big part of the picture. What is important to me is not what is important to my son. If you have been reading my blog then you may be aware that I'm pretty sure my son wanted off the Invega Sustenna (injection) as it killed his libido. And yes it hurt to receive it. I have thought about discussing with his treatment team having the oral Invega upped from 6 mg to 9 mg. I did bring this up to his nurse on Monday however and this is a big however... I am worried about the increase having an affect on his libido and therefor causing him to become non-compliant with his medications.

Like I said. What is important to me isn't important to him. Keeping his libido is more important to him then losing his mental health.

Two tweets that I saw recently that apply here where from Dr. Xavier Amador. One stating that between 50 - 75% of those diagnosed with schizophrenia don't take their medications is prescribed. Another stated that about half don't know that they have schizophrenia. From my own research I know that this is due to anosognosia or lack of insight. It's part of the condition itself that stops the person from recognizing that what they are experiencing is part of the disorder.

I forget exactly what hubby and I were talking about the other night but it was about something my son must have said. I joked with my hubby that my son was telling confabulations because he has anosognosia. My hubby didn't understand me either :) This means that he was saying things that appear to be untrue because he can't see that they aren't true. Schizophrenia causes him to believe in things and see things that most of us don't. How realistic they are have little to do with my perception of reality and more to do with his perception which is being controlled by a disease/disorder that changes how he sees things.

Sorry I'm getting off track... Another concern is weight gain and other side affects from these medications. For awhile my son had to wear a belt with his jeans as they were falling off. I think it was two or three days ago that he commented that he needed new jeans because the ones he had on where getting tight. His eating habits haven't changed. What if increasing his Invega causes him to gain weight and become non-compliant due to this? I know on 450 mg of Clozapine he gained weight then lost it on lower doses.

From a medical standpoint or even that of his treatment team my son is stable and therefore ok. From my point of view, he is not ok. I have seen how well he can do and honestly I don't think I'm ready to accept that what I'm currently seeing or what he is experiencing, is the new normal for him. I know that for some voices etc are a daily part of their lives. I don't know... Maybe after his last break this will be his new normal?

So the question is: What can I do? My son IS being med-compliant. I can't risk interfering with that to any big degree. If we change his medications than we may lose that compliancy. Or worse put him on the wrong medication and lose his current stability. I don't even know what medication could be considered at this point. I do believe he has been on most of them. I do believe that Invega is a good medication for him however it doesn't appear to be enough on its own or at the current dose.

For the moment I will continue to hope that what he is experiencing is a hiccup and not long term. Sunday night he stayed up until after 3 AM and got a little upset with me when I pointed out that how he was talking was delusional. Sometimes, when he is doing good and his mood is stable, I am able to point this out to him without him getting upset. Sunday was not one of those times :) When he started telling me what I was saying (that I wasn't saying) I knew it was pointless and he was too wrapped up in what he was experiencing to listen to me anyways. I didn't push it, left it alone and went to bed.

The reality is that I can't do much about it right now. He is in driver's seat when it comes to his medications. As long as what he is experiencing is not bothering him and it's not, then he will not want to stop it.

He does seem to be a bit better today. I think he was playing a game on his computer and he is now watching stuff. I don't think he has touched his Nvidia gaming system in awhile. I heard him on the phone with his Nana stating that technology is boring and depressing. He can't see that it's symptoms of schizophrenia causing him to not get enjoyment out of these things. Schizophrenia can be depressing. I didn't listen to too much of that conversation as it was fairly delusional and it can be hard for me to stay quiet ;)

He wants to move to... Mexico? and live without technology etc., that it would be great. I did point out that the people living in Mexico without technology and basic necessities may not agree with his point of view. Like I said, hard for me to not say anything. I went for a smoke before I could say anything else. He loves technology... When he is healthy.

His case worker at PACT should be dropping by tomorrow with more Invega. She also contacted disability in British Columbia and got a letter from them for disability here in Ontario. *fingers crossed* this gets us somewhere as I have emailed BC again and now left his worker at disability 3-4 messages with no call back.

My son just asked how he could go about getting some money for an online game. Can he do grunt work with my hubby... It's hard to keep a straight face sometimes. I pointed out that I have seen how much energy he has lately, that he is like 'the walking dead' so I doubt that he has the energy for grunt work ;) He will have money when he has money and he can spend his 'just $28'.

What can I say... Life can be tough sometimes ;)

Mom
BarbieBF

© BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey, 2014 - 2015. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blogs author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links to blog posts and/or pages as a whole (in there entirety) may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to BarbieBF and Schizophrenia - Mom's Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

It's just me and you... and your voices.

I'm not usually blogging this time of night however hubby just left to go back out snow plowing for the night. I think they are calling for up to 12-25 cm depending on where you live. Where we live 25 cm but where he is plowing 12 cm. My son asked where my hubby was and I told him and then said: So it's just me and you... and your voices.

I'm not sure why they are prominent today but they are. I wasn't really paying attention as I have been wrapped up in things on the internet however after several hours of no gaming (or much else) noises I realized that my son has been quiet today. Except for the odd laughing here and there. I went and checked on him and he was just sitting there looking at his computer screen, doing nothing. It's been like that most of the day.

I don't ask him if he has voices because I know he will most likely say no. I did comment on them being there and his response was that he has been raising entities to be elders (adults) because he is an adult and knows how to teach them. I kept it light and said that I'm glad it's happening in his head because I don't think we need more people thinking they are adults when they aren't. :) Yes it is... scary isn't the right word... concerning, that he is raising entities in his mind.

I'm guessing they started last night as he went to sleep with his light on which I'm learning may be an indication of things going on in his head. I turned it off when I checked on him around 4 AM. He is taking his Invega so I'm hoping it's just a little hiccup.

I do know that a lot of nicotine seems to trigger his psychosis some however he hasn't been smoking very much which is another sign that he is in his own head space. He has been smoking his vaporizer but he has been using an E-liquid that doesn't have nicotine. We did take him yesterday to the vapor store and hubby and I relaxed while he sat and tried a lot of different ones.

He finally did a load of laundry today and even remembered when to put it in the dryer and when to go get it when it was done. I folded it and put it away.

I had a little fun yesterday putting this together: 1st Edition Barbie's Coffee Time. I got the idea from the vapor store. I have seen similar in other small restaurants etc. I tried to get one from online however they don't distribute online. So I went hunting for a template to make a version of my own minus all the advertising.

My son was lying down in bed but just got up to go for a smoke. Hopefully he will take his Invega and a Melatonin (maybe even an Olanzapine or Trazodone) soon and go to sleep. That way I can take a sleeping pill. Since hubby isn't home it would be a great night for me to try and get a solid couple of hours sleep. I guess due to the snow hubby doesn't have to work his normal job tomorrow which is good. Snow plowing all night then working all day is hard on him.

I'm off to read in bed for a bit...

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