I'm Spent. Financially and Emotionally Spent.

My husband asked me this morning 'Are you in a bad mood?' and 'What's wrong? Is it.....' Now I'm not blaming my hubby for not getting it or understanding as I've come to the conclusion that expecting him or anybody else in my live to get it, at this point, is probably pointless. I have so many incomplete, jumbled thoughts going through my head right now so forewarned the following blog posting is my own self-indulgent petty me party... So please feel free not to read it.

Sleeping on the sofa has turned into a pretty big pet peeve of mine as I told my hubby this morning. It's not a new thing, in fact, I have had issue with it for some time now as allowing my hubby to do it meant allowing my son to do it and that meant a very smelly sofa. Not his fault I know however completely unnecessary. And I see no reason why I should be listening to someone snore in the living room. I don't say don't sleep. I say go to bed, sleep the day away if you want, but don't do it on the sofa. I try to keep my cool about it, repeat it and repeat it... months of repeating it... Sometimes I get pissy about it, like this morning. Okay he got it this time... I think really! Because plan English didn't make it clear all those other times?! I really do wonder what language I need to speak sometimes to be understood.

I started doing my grocery list this morning and I'm looking in my cupboards. I'm looking at all the stuff that we have gotten for my son. Noodles, pop tarts, popcorn, nuts, snacks of every type. Every so often I have to go through everything and throw stuff out because it was something he wanted to try and didn't like or for whatever reason he didn't want to eat it so it expires. Unopened jars of peanut butter, cheese-whiz and other things. Same with the freezer. Pizza pops, beef patties, hungry man dinners... I have always made sure that there is always things for him to eat. If it's kool-aid then lots of it and of course the sugar. If it's iced tea, now we have two big things of it. He wants to try different kinds of coffee, at one point we had 3 or 4 kinds of instant coffee. Even when he didn't come grocery shopping with us the cart included his treats, his apple juice, whatever phase he was currently going through that I knew that he liked. I know what kinds of chips he likes and always made sure to switch it up so that he didn't get sick of one kind. Beef jerky til he got sick of it. We have never been stingy in the food department as our $300 weekly grocery bills can attest to. I have made so many concessions on the types of meals I make. Sometimes I had to make a conscious choice to make my hubby's favorite meals because my son didn't like it and so many meals were planned with him in mind. Even with getting my son his treats we had trouble keeping certain foods for my hubby for work as my son took whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it. We didn't get mad, just bought more of it. Most weeks I had trouble finding room to put away the groceries as the cupboards and fridge were full of things my son liked to eat. Today's grocery bill was $140.

My mind goes through a list of things that we have gotten for him since he moved in with us 15 months ago. The first was the deep fryer that he had to have and used almost daily while he went through his potatoe and onion ring phase. The breakfast sandwich maker for when he went through his breakfast sandwich phase. The $200 bike and accessories. The $200 Nintendo3DS and games. The $400 PSP4 and games. The $3000 laptop. The $600 we spent on his tobacco etc the first three months he lived with us and this doesn't include the $600+ per month we spent out of pocket on medications for three months. He wanted a better TV so we switched him TV's. He broke his computer desk, we got him another one. He needed winter boots, we got them. He wanted $80 shoes, we got them. He wanted sandals, we got them. McDonald's, Tim Horton's, restaurants, movies, rings, watches, lighters, cloths, trips to the store. I'm guessing my son has easily cost us $10000 and that doesn't include the numerous times I have not made him pay me back for things or give the amount of money that he is supposed to give me every month so that he can buy his tobacco, gaming subscriptions or whatever else he had set his mind to wanting. It certainly doesn't include the grocery bills, the extra internet charges, the movies he rented through cable before I locked those channels, even laundry money or all the notebooks and pens that I bought him while inpatient and even afterwards whenever he wanted them. We paid for everything and then some. It also doesn't include the damage that he has done to the apartment and the things I own and the things that he has smashed and broken.

This is three fist holes in his bedroom door and below it is where he was throwing his switch blade at the door.

Edit: sorry pictures where removed and now I can't find them

These are all the knife marks or where he was stabbing his bed with his knives.

This is the hole he put into a closet door on Thursday when I was calling 911.

He called me yesterday on his new cell phone, he was at the mall. This would be out of the disability check that he told the shelter that he didn't have, that I had. Since he is spending it then he obviously knows that he has it so outright lied about me having it. He wanted the number for his disability worker because he wants to switch how he is getting 'paid' so that he can get more money. I can't even say how much this phone call pissed me off. I probably won't hear from him again until he wants something. I actually believed that perhaps he was confused and didn't know or remember that he had the check on him and so I bought him two cartons of cigarettes on Friday that I was going to take to him yesterday evening along with his notebooks, search-a-word that I know he likes and whatever else I thought he might need. He is outright refusing to give me any money for supporting him in August. Honestly I feel kicked in the gut as I'm probably going to have to draw again from my line of credit to pay the rent. My son just thinks my hubby makes money so we don't need this. No matter how many times I go over our monthly expenses which include $1200 for groceries, about $1000 for car insurance and related expenses, $930 for rent, $400 for cable, internet and phones (last internet bill over by $50 again) and our visas and line of credit payments as I'm about $30000 in debt... All quit pointless I guess because he really couldn't or can't give two hoots about my finances.

So ya financially I'm done giving and giving. The pot has run dry. Because it is the long weekend I can't even do anything about this until Tuesday. I did try calling the shelter but none of the full time staff that knows the systems is in right now. I was hoping that someone could talk to him and help him to see reason that what he is doing is not right. The government isn't handing him this money so that he can freely spend it where ever he pleases. I will be calling disability on Tuesday to let them know that he no longer resides here so that they don't continue to provide him with monies that are not being used as they are supposed to.

Emotionally spent too.

Mom
BarbieBF

Things went South... or North?

I swear this disease or disorder, whatever you want to call it, has a way of flipping things so that you don't know if up is down or left is right or North is South. Confusing right? Sorry I'm being my usual whimsical self.

After my blog post yesterday I happily went in and turned on the shower, thinking I can do this. Boy was I wrong. I ended up interrupting my son's 'private time' if you get my meaning and made him mad. So even though I backed off and walked away it was already too late. His anger took over and in the length of time it took me to walk down the hall, he started punching the wall and I could hear the rage taking over, he was just getting warmed up. Without even thinking I instinctively picked up the phone and called 911. I can't say I'm particularly proud of myself for doing this but I have been here before with my son and it quickly escalates into him threatening me with physical harm. Because I'm mom he thinks that it is ok. The last time my husband was home. This time I was alone and afraid of my son. Not a nice feeling. The 911 operator stayed on the phone with my son until officers arrived which is a good thing because he was telling her how angry he was and that he didn't think he could control it. She got to listen to a tirade of accusations against me. That I was stealing his disability check, controlling my husband to the point that he is afraid to stand up to me and should leave me, that I'm always yelling and that I punch things too... You would have to know me but I have never punched anything, period. I hate violence. He also accused me of discrimination because I told 911 that he has schizophrenia. It was so they would send mental health workers.

They arrived. Not that they were much help. I swear they should really have to learn the systems that they talk about before they talk about them. One of my son's biggest concerns through all this was his money that I was stealing. No matter how many times I explain it to him or even show him his disability stubs he just can't get his mind around it. No one else seems to get it either. So here is his stub for August.

He doesn't pay rent. He is board and lodging which means I cover all of his living expenses. The stub clearly shows that the check dated Aug 29 is for the period Aug 1-31 NOT for September. I have no idea why disability pays board and lodgings this way but they do. As for how much is supposed to come to me for board and lodgings. This is directly from the disability website: http://www.communitylivingontario.ca/

In situations where the individual’s shelter needs and basic needs are met by the same person or persons (for example, where they live with family members or someone else who provides both room and board) the ODSP income support is currently set at a combined amount of $706 per month for a single person.

Personal Needs Allowance (sometimes referred to as a “comfort allowance”) of $119 per month.

I'm not stealing his money because it's not his money. Somehow he gets $126 instead of $119. Perhaps a travel allowance for medical purposes.

I ended up having to give my son back his disability check even though he had already signed it and given it to me and I had already emailed him a transfer of $132. I must say the police officer was extremely helpful in agreeing with my son that that his check was for September (even though I showed him the stub!) and that if he hadn't accepted the email transfer then technically I hadn't given him his money. He was also very helpful in pointing out that even though my son's check was dated for the next day that he could deposit it in a bank machine. Then stated that he didn't want to get in the middle of it... Sorry to late, thanx for the help! So off my son goes with an $832 check! A check according to him last night I have! To bad for me I guess that I was going to put this towards rent...

Of course he downplayed not eating and sleeping. Said that he had taken his medications when he hadn't. He really does have a gift. Maybe he should be in sales? :) They left stating there was nothing that they could do. My son was happy of course because he had gotten what he wanted. His check and support from the officers that I was in the wrong. Part of me really wants to send a letter to the Police letting them know they really should have a clue before they say things that feed into someone's delusions. He came back from his walk that the officer's advised him to do to cool off, quit relaxed. Went to his room, all laid back, smoking, without a care in the world.

I waited until my husband got home from work then started calling shelters. Some numbers that PACT had given me to call. Guess what? Some of them won't tell me if they even have a bed available because it has to be son making the call. The one's that would tell me had no beds. Call back at 9:30 when we do our bed checks. So as usual I found my own resources. Found a shelter that of course wouldn't disclose to me if they have a bed so I put my son on the phone. It's one I had looked up before and deals with youth ages 16-21. They provide meals, school, employment and addiction counselling. Have a public health nurse and support staff. My son got off the phone and said he needed a ride. Waiting for him to get ready was fun as he took forever. At one point I went in to see what he was doing. Looking through his lighters and knickknacks deciding which ones to take. Finally he was ready then asked for his pocket knife back. I don't think I had it in me to argue this with him so went and got the case I had put all of his knives in, gave it to him and asked him to keep them all in there for now. Off we went to the shelter, with the windows rolled down! Found the place and dropped him off. Watched him go in. I managed to breathe through it but man was it hard.

Hubby and I went to get something to eat. I missed a call from the shelter so called them back. It was my son wanting me to come pick up his knives as he can't have them there. I had thought about telling him that this might be a problem when he asked for them but it's not like he would have believed me anyways. He needs to learn for himself that the world has expectations, rules and boundaries. So we drove the 20 minutes back to the shelter to find my son sitting outside waiting. He wanted me to take him to a thrift store so that he could sell his knives! He thinks he can get $300 for knives that all together cost less then $150. I said no, told him to give me the knives and I would put them away where they would be safe, that I didn't drive all the way back there for this. He handed them over and we left, again. I'm still not sure how I managed to not fall apart through all this but I did.

Once we got home I waited as long as I could then called the shelter to see if they would tell me if he was even there or not. Privacy laws you know. Picturing him wondering around a city he didn't know was killing me. I'm still surprised at this but they were going to call me because my son had actually signed a release giving them permission to talk to me! I think I'm still picking my jaw up off the floor! At first he was resistant but then he ate, calmed down and agreed. He ate! I don't even know if I can explain the relief that this phone call gave me. We went over his medications that he had taken with him. Of course he didn't take his Invega. At first there was some concern as his Trazodone bottle was empty and I knew that there should be about 21 of them. I found them dumped out on his dresser. I have no idea what he was thinking when he did this. He told them that he has anxiety, ADHD, OCD and schizophrenia so as is normal for my son, I gave them a heads up that he has a tendency to seek benzos for his anxiety. I was assured that they keep all medications locked up and controlled. So I filled them in on what has been happening for the past couple of weeks. They could tell that something was up but how delayed he was in talking to them. Since he is in a shelter for the first time there are services available to him that they will help him with. I gave them all of his treatment teams information and numbers. I let them know that he has his disability check on him. This is when I found out that according to him I have it. So I explained what happened.

So as hard as all this is I think that South may be North or down may be up. Meaning that he may be able to get the help that he needs where he is now. That what seems like a bad situation may in fact be the best thing for him. He can't blame mom for being controlling when where he is will put even more restrictions on him then I did. They won't let him stay up all night and sleep all day. He won't have control over his medications like he did here. There will be no punching walls just because someone made him mad and he certainly won't have as much privacy there as he did here. Him masturbating won't be a priority for them and it shouldn't be. He will have to learn some self-control. And if things start to go South again then they can get him the help that he needs as they are a part of the system instead of me fighting the system.

My son really does amaze me at times. I tried to check his computer this morning as he tends to write out his thoughts and beliefs in documents on his computer. Yes I want to know what's going on his head. He made sure before he left to disconnect everything from the laptop and log himself out. Of course I don't know the password ;) He is obviously thinking good enough to do this and far from psychotic enough to not do it.

So even though my heart is broken, shredded really, I do believe that I am making the right decision. It certainly helps that so far I have received nothing but support from his treatment team and assurances that as hard as it is I'm making the right decisions. This reality check has been a long time overdue.

Mom
BarbieBF

$300 should do it...

That would be the amount of money that my son thinks I should 'be nice' and give to him from his disability payment. Really there should be some sort of 'Yes he's an adult and still my dependent (yes I can provide receipts!)' option on my income tax return because honestly he costs me (my hubby) a lot more then what disability covers. I thought I was being nice by already writing off the money he currently owes my hubby for tobacco. But no, he wants to buy his gaming subscriptions (that he doesn't even play regularly), probably tweak his nicotine habit (almost every month he wants to buy something new that he ends up not liking) and walk to the store everyday. And to think I give my hubby a hard time about buying food from the food truck at work when he's the one working his ass off 10 hours a day! And it's his taxes (hard work) that cover disability payments, not the infamous 'government'. That's all I will say about that! ;)

Now if I could just get my son in the shower... It's times like that this, only times like this, that I wish that I was a man, better yet, Hulk Hogan because I would physically pick him up and throw him in the shower while wearing nose plugs! I'm being cute but honestly the boy smells, bad, two feet radius bad.

I took a sleeping pill last night and actually got 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep! That would probably explain why I'm in good spirits about all this. Not that I can do much about any of it anyways but it helps to not be depressed about it.

As for how my son is doing. He slept about 10-12 hours. The best I can figure he woke up sometime between 1 and 4:30 AM. He still hasn't eaten anything. So the last time he ate (that big plate of rice!) was Tuesday, so almost two days ago. Oh and the two pickles... He is drinking fluids which is good although mostly coffee. I'm sure his brain could do without the extra stimuli but coffee and energy drinks seem to go with the territory. If they could come out with an instantly energizing drink that was actually good for you... He hasn't taken any medications since yesterday morning. His plan is to take them tonight when he goes to bed. When I asked what time that would be I just got a blank look. I'm really hoping he hasn't found an excuse to delay or not take them as I think one of his workers may have suggested that he try doing this to help him get back on a better sleep schedule. Honestly my son couldn't care one way or the other when he sleeps and if his days and night are mixed up. So really all they did was give him a reason to not take them and while I get the reason behind it, I don't see how going a day and half without medications is going to do him any good. Maybe it will actually let him progress to the point that I can have him admitted? I know, that sounds so bad even to me but it's the bigger picture that I'm looking at.

That's true... I am hearing that a lot when I tell my son things. You need in the shower, you smell. That's true... You need a good nights sleep. That's true... I don't think you should go to that shelter if people in the business are saying it's not a good one. That's true... I asked him the other day if he was cold and he responded with: It appears that way...

The shelter reference. While I want my son in a place that can give him more structure and while I do not want to watch this slow decline without being able to stop it, I'm still not going to send him to a place that is going to do him more harm then good. The one shelter that appears to have a bed available is in another city about 20-40 minutes from me and does not have a good reputation. He says that he is willing to go. I'm saying I don't think it's a good idea. If his worker is saying that it's not a good choice then it's not a good choice. If he really wants to go then I will support it but I think we should wait until a bed opens in one of the two shelters that does offer the support and environment that he needs. Really the choice is more mine then his since I can't even get him in the shower so he certainly isn't going to take or make the steps needed to go to this particular shelter.

So for now my son is staying where he is. In his room looking at nothing and smoking cigarettes while he contemplates whatever it is that his schizophrenia has him thinking about. I wonder if I start the shower if I can get him in it? Worth a try...

Mom
BarbieBF

Forty Four Hours

That is how long my son was awake...

Surprisingly he was more aware than I thought. I thought time was not passing for him and that he was pretty lost in his own world but apparently not. I called his case worker this morning, chocking back tears, and let her know that he had at this point been awake for 37 hours, was not eating much and seemed to be having trouble focusing on things that I was saying or asking him. She agreed to come and evaluate the situation. He knew what day of the week it was, knew approximately how long he had been awake and even knew how many days it had been since we took him to emergency and got the Seroquel prescription. Too aware for involuntary admittance but I already knew this. His reasons for the fasting and not sleeping was somewhat delusional. Not sure when he decided to follow the Muslim faith but he felt that he was energizing his mind and body by doing this as the Muslims do. His case worker had a hard time understanding this as not eating and sleeping does not energize you but mania does. In my opinion it was schizophrenia symptoms that was doing the energizing. He did eat some supper last night which was mostly all he had eaten in about 35 hours. He ate some rice, a bite of chicken and a bite of his brussel sprouts. According to him he ate a big plate of dinner. My son really does have an amazing ability to change his reality to suit or explain things. Like saying it simply makes it so. So even though we were pretty sure that the hospital wouldn't admit him, his worker managed to talk him into going down for a check up due to his fasting and not sleeping.

I'm afraid my own feelings overwhelmed me at one point as I can see where things are heading and I really don't want him progressing to the point that he always has in the past for involuntary admittance. I don't want to wait until he is delusional, hallucinating and hearing negative voices before he gets the help that he needs. I'm trying to be pro-active! Honestly I can't believe how long it is taking him to decompress or go into psychosis. Without alcohol and marijuana to speed it along it is as slow as molasses... and frustrating. I think my tears where somewhat shocking to my son and he ended up telling his worker that he thinks I'm having a mental break. I did grin at that one! So he was quit happy to leave with her as he couldn't handle being around me and my break down. It's a good thing I waited until they left to actually cry! And give myself an headache!

As we already knew would happen, he got released and was sent home. He went straight to bed and is as far as I know sleeping. He already decided when his worker was here that he was done fasting and not sleeping. I think he was just telling her what he thought she needed to hear to not have him admitted. Either way he is in bed where he needs to be.

Now that I'm more aware of who is reading my blog, there is a part of me that doesn't want to write this part. But I will do what I normally do and continue... While my son was sent home from the hospital it is temporary. There was no beds available at any of the shelters. I'm pretty sure that once the lady from Ready4Life gets back from vacation than things will hopefully get moving on his applications for the group homes. In the mean time I don't think that staying here is the best thing for him and neither does his case worker or PACT. I can't even say how much her support means to me right now. It's pretty obvious that he will continue as he is which in my opinion is only doing his brain more harm then good. I can't motivate him to help himself out of this. He needs help and they can provide it to him. I have said before that the shelter we are looking into is not an unsupervised flop house. It has structure and support staff. They will expect him to be part of a routine and be minimally functional. He needs someone other then me to expect something from him. People that will expect and help him to act like the adult that he is. After that it will be a group home.

I'm guessing my son will sleep for awhile so maybe hubby and I will go out for dinner since it's almost 5 PM and I haven't even thought about what to make today.

Mom
BarbieBF

11 PM and I'm not impressed

When you write a blog there is always the possibility that people are going to read it :) I know. You are thinking that is the point right? It's the who that I'm trying to sort out in my head. Granted doing it at 11 PM probably isn't the best time to be blogging about it but here I am.

My daughter called me today to tell me that she and her Nana liked my last blog post. Good right? I guess it's what the rest of the conversation implied that I'm still trying to get my mind around. The implication that I only see schizophrenia when I look at my son. I'm not blogging about knitting or Lego's even though those things may get mentioned. I'm blogging about me, my son and schizophrenia. So the question is why is this upsetting me? It's because not for the first time, I get the feeling that my daughter's opinions of me and my blog and writings are not completely her own opinions. As a parent do you ever get that feeling when you are listening to your kids talk that something just doesn't sound right? It doesn't sound like them talking. It's their voice but it's not their words. Since I started blogging I have had to deal with positive and negative feedback and I take it in stride as not everyone is going to see or agree with my point of view. It's not everyone's opinion of me that matters to me. My daughter's opinion of me however does matter to me a great deal and I'm having a problem with the fact that I think she is forming opinions of me and my blog that are in fact not her own opinions but being shaped by someone else. I hear the words and they are not her words. I hear the implications and they do not sound like her thoughts. Maybe I'm wrong but I have learned to trust my gut on things like this.

Why am I awake after 11 PM blogging about it? My phone rang at 10:48, the number was private. Any insomnia sufferers? You know that feeling when you are just about to go under? The phone rings, rings, rings, rings you pick it up, say hello and click... The person hangs up. Nope, not impressed.

Oh well. Hopefully the second melatonin I had to take will do the trick.

Mom
BarbieBF

Patience is a virtue, or is it?

This blog post is more of a ponder then my usual blogging. This is not the first time that I have felt like I have no patience left to deal with my son or his schizophrenia. They say that patience is a virtue however at times I question if there is a limit to how virtuous I should be. How much patience should I have? Is it doing my son more harm then good? At what point do I say enough is enough?

For two weeks I have been watching my son barely maintain being stable. Stable from a medical perspective in that he has not reached the point of needing hospitalization and I don't know if he will reach that point. In my eyes he is far from stable compared to where he has been. He is coasting along in a world where time has little meaning and he is spending that time doing whatever it is that he is doing in his head. Contemplating his soul and the universe? Listening to voices or laughing with them or intrusive thoughts? Or testing his mental powers as I was told this morning when I asked him why he had taken out two decks of euchre cards.

I don't know if the tone of his schizophrenia has changed or if it has not progressed to where it has in the past. Just over a year ago it was telekinesis, astral projection and voices that he thought belonged to his cousins. I think I sometimes need a reminder of what it was like when he first came to live with me 15 months ago as his bad days now are still better then his best days back then. He has come a long ways since then. Telekinesis and astral projection have not been mentioned since I think September or October of last year, same with voices.

I have seen how well my son can do. I have seen what he is capable of. I believe that he is capable of so much more. I have read the articles on how a caregiver is supposed to provide a stress free environment. I have read articles on the possible long term damage that psychosis can cause when left untreated. I have read articles on anosognosia. Sometimes I get sick of reading and researching schizophrenia and what scientists think it is. I know the statistics. I believe that my son can beat this if he wants to or better yet if he has to.

All this brings me to my ponder on patience. Does being patient mean that I should not get upset or mad when I'm waking up every morning to the mess of a 5 year old? Does being patient mean I should not expect my son to take minimal responsibility for his own personal hygiene as well as his mental and physical health? Does being patient mean I don't have the right to make my own life and living conditions a priority?

If I had accepted what I was seeing 15 months ago as all there was then we would not be were we are today. If I accept what I am seeing today as being the best that he can be then there is little hope for his future. I refuse to give up the hope that my son can lead a better more fulfilling life.

So today I am out of patience. Not because I don't love my son but perhaps because of how much I do love him. Because if I don't get mad or expect more from him then I fear that I am giving schizophrenia free reign to work it's 'magic' in my son. I refuse to let it have my son. I refuse to accept that what I'm seeing today is all there is. Instead I will believe that there is a reason that I have run out of patience and that reason is that I need to motivate my son to be more then schizophrenia.

Mom
BarbieBF

More of the same

The last couple of days have pretty much been a repeat of Friday. Every morning it's hearing him say that he took his pills and must have insomnia. Once I count them and tell him that he didn't take them, he takes them and within 45 minutes is off to bed for 10-12 hours. Gets up around dinner time. He is eating some which is good. I question whether he is eating because he wants to or because he knows that part of the reason he got admitted to hospital in September was due to not eating, drinking and sleeping. That is how he remembers it. And the marijuana of course. He doesn't really remember the psychosis part or how bad it was. The laughing or hysterical laughing is still happening. I usually ask him to go to his room if he has to do it and he stops. My husband got up to it happening this morning.

Friday night I managed to get him to wash his bedding and do a load of laundry. Making his bed I found about 10 knife holes in his sheet and in the mattress. It's an $800 mattress that we got for my daughter after her scoliosis surgery. I'm glad I got the knives out of his room when I did before any more damage was done.

I know how much my son likes to go to the park so Friday night I told him that if he went to bed at a reasonable time then Saturday we would go for a picnic, after he showered of course. He liked the idea however stayed up all night again so that didn't happen. Hubby and I went grocery shopping alone which saved as about $50 :) And my son thinks he only eats $20 a week in food...

Sunday my hubby told me that it felt like I was trying to pick a fight with him. After some thinking, he may have been right. There is a part of me that wants to fight for my son and in a lot of ways I can't. I can't fight what schizophrenia is doing to him. I can't make him see that the choices he is making is doing him more harm then good. I'm afraid I'm not as open to discussions of his 'spirituality' as I used to be. Personally I don't believe it is spirituality. It is a symptom of his schizophrenia that masks itself as spirituality. I did tell him to ask himself one question. If he was meant to live as a purely spiritual being then why was he put here on earth in a physical form? I don't believe the universe made a mistake. I believe he was meant to live a life that takes both into consideration. How many years does he want to waste looking for answers that schizophrenia only tempts him with? Since I can't fight schizophrenia perhaps I was looking for a fight with my hubby ;)

His case worker took him to pick up his Lithium and Neurontin on Saturday. He still hasn't showered so it will be two weeks tomorrow. Wore the same shirt for 3 days which he finally took off last night. Like I said, more of the same...

Mom

BarbieBF

Hurry up and wait game

I know someone who uses this phrase a lot and in this case it certainly fits. I feel like I'm playing a game of hurry up and wait. Wait to see if he is going to pull himself out of it or wait for the break. Either way I wish that it would hurry up and happen one way or the other. I think I have said this before! Deja vu!

This morning was another morning of him stating that he must have insomnia because he took his pills but couldn't sleep. He hadn't taken his pills. His confusion on this is not getting any better as I believe that he really did think that he had taken them. He did take them, his Clozapine and Lithium, and within 45 minutes went to bed after being up again for 19 hours. In the meantime I was listening to more laughing for no apparent reason. The laughing has been back since the 19th. He is explaining it away as a stress reliever and that he is laughing at stupid mental pictures. More animals although this time no mention of cow udders (it's ok I smiled too!) which is what he found so amusing the last time this happened. I think it's sheep this time. At this point I'm unsure if he is experiencing voices or not, although he says that he isn't. Of course I believe him... not. Voices are part of what got him admitted last time.

Turns out it was the Seroquel that made him feel like crying. Not the Trazodone. Something else he was confused about which is not like him. He is usually pretty on top of the names of his medications. I woke up one morning to my knife sharpener missing. I know he has a fascination with his switch blade and pocket knives but I put them all away. He asked me about them yesterday and I told him that I put them away. I haven't thrown them out and he can have them back but with him feeling suicidal I didn't feel comfortable with him having them in his room. The morning we took him to the hospital he had stated that he might as well slit his wrists if he has to be on pills for the rest of his life. He didn't deny feeling suicidal...

His case worker was here yesterday. He didn't remember meeting her on the 18th. His psychiatrist decided not to come see him because if the hospital would not admit him then there probably isn't too much that he can do except to have his case worker try to talk him into going back on the Invega. He is still refusing even though she tried to explain to him that if he wants to obtain his goals of moving out and being on his own than he needs to be more alert and functioning. She did comment that he seemed more alert. I don't think it's a good alert, I think it's more along the lines of his mind raising. She had to repeat a lot of what she was saying because he would stop focusing on her. Then it was like he would come back to seeing or focusing on her. While he may not have any overt signs of voices I do believe that they are there.

The lady from Ready4Life dropped off two applications today for group homes. One of them may have an opening coming up around September. So far we are all in agreement that this is probably the best choice for him. He wants his own place but he can't take care of himself and is unable to see that. He will have his own room and be expected to help and participate with chores and participate in daily activities. It has 24/7 onsite support staff and the majority of their clients are between the ages of 20-30 and 60% male. They also charge on a sliding scale so he can afford it. They will help teach him life skills. He didn't seem to impressed when I told him about the chores. I reminded him that he says that he is capable of doing them so it shouldn't be a problem. He also showed some resistance to the idea that they may oversee his medications. His case worker explained that it is nothing personal, they are just doing their jobs, which seemed to ease his defiance a little bit. Or he lost his focus again.

Overall he is barely maintaining be 'stable'. He is eating some. Sometimes he will have some supper but he is not eating like he normally does. Not drinking as much as he normally does. He hasn't been on his computer in days. I'm guessing he can't think or concentrate to be on it. He's been watching TV all night although I don't think he is watching it. He doesn't appear to be changing channels or turning it up to the volume that he usually watches TV at. I know because I'm usually asking him to turn it down in the middle of the night. So basically he is sitting or lying on the sofa with the TV on. I noticed this morning as well that he wasn't smoking cigarettes. When stressed he can smoke one every 15 minutes so if it has progressed to the point that he isn't smoking for extending periods then he is much to far into his own head space. I asked him last night why hasn't called his Nana yet and he said that he didn't know. Again I'm guessing that he just can't think to do it. He hasn't showered since the 12th and I don't think he has brushed his teeth since then either. He is sometimes changing his shirt. One day he did manage to groom his facial hair. I have no idea what prompted that. Ego? :) I have been reminding him to wash his bedding as it needs it. He acknowledges that it needs to be done and that it is a good idea but doesn't do it. The mom in me is having a tough time not pushing him to do these things or do it for him however doing it for him won't change the fact that this is currently where he is at. It would be like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. The band-aid won't fix it or cover it up.

His caseworker did take him to get his monthly blood work done and he did call in and refill his Lithium. She will probably take him to pick it up tomorrow although that means he only has 300 mg for tonight/tomorrow morning instead of 600 mg. I'm obviously not going to send him to a shelter like this, so that is off the table for now. For now it's just waiting... Hope that he pulls it together or has a break so that the damage being done to his brain is minimal.

Mom
BarbieBF

Knife Sharpener Guy

Tough Love and Boundaries

My son has been off his Invega for a week now and has had about 15 hours of sleep in the past 50 hours. Hasn't eaten a proper meal since probably Wednesday or Thursday of last week. Saturday we spent 6 hours in emergency. He was sent home with a prescription for Seroquel/Quetiapine. After waiting the 6 hours in emergency for my son I got informed by the treating psychiatrist that my son didn't want them talking to me. I said that is fine but I know you can listen. Filled in some details and stated he is looking for benzos. I belief he was trying to get Ativan/Lorazepam. His reason for coming off the Invega. It makes him too alert during the day, like he needs to get up and do something like go to the gym and he doesn't want to feel like that while he is living here. So the Invega was working and doing what it is supposed to do, in my opinion. He took the Seroquel twice, got some much needed sleep, and is now saying he doesn't need it that it is a PRN. He even refuses to acknowledge that it is an anti-psychotic. Or me telling him that it is, is what is making him not take it as on Saturday he stated that he really liked how it was making him feel.

I love my son but I think I need to get out of the picture a little bit, or a lot. As long as he can continue to blame me for everything then he will never be able to see that it's schizophrenia that is causing him to feel and act like this. I did tell the nurse at the hospital that if things got any easier for him at home that I would be wiping his butt for him. And it's still not good enough for him. He wants me to be nicer. I don't even know what that means anymore. Not tell him that he needs anti-psychotics? Not expect him to clean up after himself? Not point out that things that he is saying just don't make sense? I can't see him not having another break if things keep going the way that they are. He does need his anti-psychotics and he does need more structure. Structure that I obviously can't provide as he won't accept it coming from me. His ODD is in full gear. According to him he is an adult and his treatment is none of my business.

He was up all night again last night. When I got up at 4 he stated that he had insomnia and couldn't sleep even though he had taken his pills. I checked and he hadn't taken them, they were still in his dish. All that was in there was his Lithium and Clozapine. No Invega or Seroquel. He took them but then I heard him in the bathroom coughing/gagging so I'm hoping he didn't spit them back up. I insisted that he go to his room even if he wasn't going to go to sleep. He had the living room to himself from 9 last night to 4 this morning. Now it was my turn. When I suggested he take a Trazodone for sleep he stated that that medication makes him want to cry. This is the first that I have heard this and to my knowledge it never did this. I think he is very confused.

I called his case worker this morning and she came by around 10 PM. She had some information on the shelters in the area as when I called her I told her that he needs to go. I had told him on Saturday that he can't stay here if he is not going to take his medications as prescribed or with the attitude that I not be a part of his treatment. The meeting didn't go to good. He was having a lot of trouble following what she was saying. He basically asked her to leave stating the he was too tired to talk to anyone.

So here I am at 12:44 PM and I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to help him accept what he needs to accept. Me being his mother is getting in the way of him accepting responsibility for his own life and choices. He is relying on me as mom in every way that a child would yet insisting that he's an adult. I know that it is his schizophrenia and ODD that is causing this however I can't see this changing unless his current circumstances change. Without me as a scapegoat perhaps he will be able to look at things differently. Or not. However I think it's time to find out just how sick or capable he really is. More importantly he needs to find this out for himself. Between PACT and Ready4Life he has so much support available to him.

Hopefully I will hear back from his case worker today. I know that the two shelters she called were full this morning. The shelters are not like drop in community centers or soup kitchens. They are staffed with onsite personnel that oversee his medications, have structured meal times and people available to him for support including mental health.

Mom
BarbieBF

Conflicted

Today I'm feeling a little conflicted. The police were at my door again last night and informed me that my downstairs neighbors are deceased. Today is the first day in awhile that I was able to leave my apartment alone and feel safe in doing so. That is a relief. It is very sad though that this relief comes at such a high price and that is two people's lives.

I'm also conflicted on how to proceed with my son. He has not been taking his medications properly. I just talked to him about the fact that I have been counting his pills and that they don't add up. He has only taken 4 Invega in the past week when there should be 7 gone. He acknowledged that he hasn't been taking them, that he doesn't need them, this after trying to tell me that he has been taking them. He may have taken 50 mg of Clozapine last night however he is supposed to be taking 150 mg. He has not taken his Lithium in 2 days. First he tried to tell me that he took his pills after waking up this morning. I counted them today after he was asleep and he hadn't woken up and the count hadn't changed from yesterday. I have been noticing that he is, again, sometimes randomly laughing or giggling out loud for no apparent reason. Great!

I just told him that he needs to wash his bedding. It smells.

I got up this morning to the coffee table a mess again.

I'm thinking that I am not in that good of a mood today. Shouldn't getting a good night sleep have the opposite affect?! I have actually slept through the night for the last two nights. I don't think that has happened in years! I'm not sure if my insomnia is finally under control or if knowing that there have been police officers around has contributed. I'm going to go with having my insomnia under control, I hope!

Should I try getting my son's treatment involved? I'm not sure it will do much good at this point. For now I will *cross my fingers and toes* and hope that he remembers or decides to take his pills tonight...

Mom
BarbieBF

On pins and needles

Due to rain my hubby was home from work yesterday so we all went to see Guardians of the Galaxy. It was pretty much what I thought it would be before I heard that it was a great movie. I think I would probably have enjoyed Maleficent much more. My son seemed more interested in the three Lego figurines I got him at the movie theater, although he did say that he thought it was a good movie. These Lego figurines instigated us making a trip to Walmart for Lego. My son picked out a kit for a house and I picked up a small kit to make a 'power digger' for my hubby since he is in construction and is an heavy machine operator. I actually had fun putting it together and he put it on our night table.

My son had fun putting together his three figurines and moving furniture around looking for the pieces he kept dropping. He had stated that he wanted to put the house together with me however I think sometime in the middle of the night he must have changed his mind...

On Monday one of my son's workers stopped by for a quick visit. I told her that at the moment my son is the least of my concerns however he is still a concern :) He has been doing good. Still sleeping in his own bed, so it's been 10 nights, although I use nights loosely as he doesn't go to bed until sometime between 4 and 6 AM. He is not making as many messes and is attempting to clean up after himself. His room is starting to look like another tornado hit it. He can't seem to manage reaching his garbage can or laundry basket. I had forwarded him an email from the YMCA asking if they should be closing his file with them as they can't keep his file open with no activity or progress to report. I feel that he needs to be the one to respond and take responsibility for the choice to not attend. I don't know if he answered it but I'm guessing that he didn't.

When we did grocery shopping last Sunday my son asked if they had anything in the vitamin section, like a herb, to help him with his anxiety. I have tried in the past to help him with this by getting him an herbal tincture however he abused it so I had to throw it out. I take a lot of supplements and vitamins and have been trying to get him to take them as well however he refuses. He even refuses a multivitamin. He has on several occasions stated that he wants some sort of muscle relaxer. Yes he is still looking for that quick fix. In my opinion it's his nerve system that is causing his muscles to be tense. He is either under or overstimulated or some combination of the two. To treat the symptom and not the cause is not going to help him in the long run. 5-HTP caught my eye and his too. 5-HTP is an amino acid that the body produces naturally and I do believe helps to regulate or produce serotonin which helps to regulate mood. I agreed to let him try it as long as he doesn't abuse it. So far it doesn't appear that he is abusing it. He noticed a couple of hours after taking one that he felt more relaxed. I noticed this too as usually even when he is just sitting/lying on the sofa his foot is in constant motion and that night it wasn't. I am trying not to micromanage him taking his pills however I am counting how many are in the bottles every now and then. I also handed him over his Gabapentin/Neurontin on Friday. The first night 5 went missing. He says he put them in another pill bottle. He seems to be on track with his 100 mg Clozapine however his Invega and Lithium are not adding up. I haven't counted his 25 mg Clozapine.

This morning my son and I butted heads as he was still up when I got up at 5:30. Of course not being particularly coherent myself I triggered his ODD when I told him he needed to take his pills and go to bed. According to my son he doesn't need them and that is why his psychiatrist is weaning him off them because he knows that he doesn't need them. Delusional or manipulative? I don't know. Somehow he pulled his friend into the conversation and it was his friend's fault that he had no friends that his friend treats him like crap... I won't say what else he had to say as I'm pretty sure it was being motivated by negative emotions rather then an honest opinion of his friend. As I said I wasn't being particularly coherent and I managed to hurt his feelings by saying something about me doing what I'm doing because I love him and if he can't see that then there is something wrong with him. I meant this in terms of maturity and I tried to tell him that however he took it to heart. Told me to kick him out because he can't handle being here and he would rather be out on the streets. I told him that I am tired of having to walk on eggshells and monitor everything that I say because he can't handle some truth. I'm not going to kick him out on the streets so that he can use that to manipulate others into feeling sorry for him. If he wants to go then go but I'm not telling him to. I don't know if it was lack of sleep, having not taken his pills yet or something else (psychosis) but his eyes were telling their own story. He did go to sleep a short time later.

As for why I am on pins and needles... I think I have spoken some about my downstairs neighbors and their excessive noise. I don't know if I have spoken about the verbal harassment. Saturday I got a pretty big scare. The lady from that unit tried to forcibly enter my apartment as she thought that I had called mental health services on her and freaked out when they tried to contact her. It turns out a police officer that had attended for my previous noise complaint had contacted them. Accusing me of putting an eviction notice in her mailbox that was obviously from the building management and not me, among other things, made them question her mental health. Long story short this has been going on for some time now and whenever I try to get it to stop I'm being verbally harassed by them and having to deal with physical outbursts like banging on walls and what happened on Saturday. Saturday being the second time she has approached my apartment in an aggressive manner. After me almost losing it in front of a police officer and him seeing how afraid I was, something is finally being done about it. I think the charges will be criminal harassment and mischief, once they arrest her... She has been avoiding being arrested since Sunday. The quiet is somewhat unnerving and not knowing where she is has got me more then a little tense. As grateful as I am that something is being done I'm more afraid to leave my apartment alone then I was before as she and her husband have to be pissed at me. On the bright side, they have both been warned to not communicate with/at me and my family or they could both be facing further charges. So now it's a bit of a waiting game and if she doesn't appear they may have to issue an arrest warrant. Hopefully for her sake it doesn't come to that. In the meantime I'm jumping at every sound in my hallway... *deep breathes*

The YMCA called me a little while ago. I told them to close his file for now since he obviously isn't going to follow through on dealing with this. His nurse also dropped by about an hour ago and he went out to talk to her and grab his Clozapine that PACT picked up for him. I'm waiting for some dough to rise and telling myself that I don't need another cigarette! I have been smoking way to much lately. I think it's time for a herbal tea before I start making dinner.

Mom
BarbieBF

5 nights and counting

My son has not slept on the sofa for 5 nights!

His nurse was here yesterday morning. Of course my son slept through that appointment as he hasn't been going to bed until late and sleeping late. I talked to her about some steps I want to start taking in letting my son be more responsible for his own medications and treatment. I have been going to the hospital to pick up his Clozapine for him. From now on PACT will pick it up for him. He needs to start relying on them more and me less. I wrote in his day planner when he needs to call and refill his Lithium and Invega with the telephone number of the pharmacy. Just in case he is unable to follow through on this then PACT can have his prescriptions moved to another pharmacy and they can pick them up for him every month. I also talked to his nurse about helping him to stay on top of his monthly blood-work. This is also written in his day planner however he is not looking at it. I talked to my son about this yesterday letting him know what his nurse and I discussed and that the day planner isn't going to do any good if he doesn't actually use or look at it.

I have also decided to stop giving him his pills every night. I need to know if he is going to follow through and do this on his own. Being med-compliant is a lot easier when someone else is preparing them for you. I cleared off some room on his dresser and put his pills there along with his day planner. 3:30 or 4 this morning I was reminding him to take them as I guess he forgot to. I had woken up and seen him in bed so left my own bedroom door open so that I could hear if he was up and down. A sure sign that he hasn't taken his pills. I heard him get up and reminded him. He took them stating that he wondered why he couldn't sleep. Not particularly reassuring. If it wasn't for the sedating affect or the risk of insomnia I have to wonder how med-compliant he would actually be if he could sleep good without them.

His nurse asked me if I had heard from the lady from Ready4Life. I wasn't even thinking that I wouldn't since my son refused to sign a release giving me access unless an emergency. I guess she hasn't gotten back to PACT either so I don't know what is happening with that. His nurse dropped off paperwork for him to register or sign up for subsidized housing. Could my son fill it out or me help him? Not that I don't want to however PACT is supposed to be helping him with this and I really doubt that he could fill it out without help. I told my son what is was and that Ready4Life or PACT could help him. That I can help him too but that he needs to start relying on them more if he can't do it on his own.

I also tried to express my concerns with his nurse over how things would proceed if I was not around to ensure that most appointments were kept or what will happen when he is on his own. I can't say the answer was reassuring. If they have clients that receive injections or need medications administered by them then they have to keep trying to see the person however if that is not the case then appointments get missed. Like I said. Not reassuring. We did discuss moving his weekly appointment with her to another day as on Thursdays she can't see him in the afternoon and he is rarely awake at 11:30 AM. Will see how Wednesday afternoons work out. Still waiting on the new lady that started with PACT that is more family orientated. I guess she is swamped so it's taking her time to fit us in. Hopefully Monday she will finally get to met my son.

I haven't said much here about my son's Nana. I had asked that he not contact her and I guess he hasn't. I let him know yesterday that he could providing he leave me out of any conversations with her.

That's it for today ;)

Mom
BarbieBF

A Little Ant Humour

Mom I have ants!

Mom can you come help me?

Honestly I have been kinda waiting for it to happen. Like I told my son if he wants to treat his room like a garbage dump then he will attract ants. He has provided them with a smorgasbord of treats. He emptied his garbage and picked up all of his cloths and I swept. Afterwards he took a cloth and cleaner and I think cleaned his desk. I walked by his room.

Wow! Look at that!

Ya, I know. I didn't know it but I think I like it clean.

They are coming in his window so we put some raid around the windowsill. He put lots so it should take care of it. Personally I find it quit humorous. It's not to often as parents we get to say I told you so!

Mom
BarbieBF

I said I'm sorry.

It was a good and quiet weekend. *knock on wood* Other then Friday night my downstairs neighbor has been quiet. My son went to his friends for the night Friday. There was some alcohol and marijuana use although I'm guessing not too much and he was ready to come home the next day. Saturday hubby and I went to a laundromat to do our laundry as I'm trying to stay away from my downstairs neighbors unit which is right across for the laundry room. I'm trying not to aggravate the whole situation any more then necessary. They have receive their second eviction notice due to my complaints about excess noise. We did grocery shopping then picked up my son. Yesterday (Sunday) hubby dropped me off at my best friends while he went to see his grand-kids. I haven't seen my best friend in two years and it was a good visit. Last night we watched the 1976 movie Sybil. Sybil had Multiple Personality Disorder or what is now known as DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder. My son watched some of it with us although he didn't particularly seem interested in it. He was probably more bored then anything.

I guess it was Friday afternoon when he eventually got up that he asked me if he had fallen asleep on the sofa that morning. I took the opportunity to let him know that I know that he is an adult however as long as he is living under my roof there are and will continue to be consequences to certain behaviors. The next time he sleeps on the sofa then he will lose the internet. Sunday morning I woke up to him asleep on the sofa again. He lost the internet. Last night he asks me if we can talk about it that he is willing to make a pact with me that he won't do it again, can I help him not do it? That he shouldn't be in the living room after a certain time. I asked him how he expected me to do this? Unless I stay up all night I can't stop him from coming into the living room at 2 and 4 o'clock in the morning. He suggested putting a note on the coffee table for him. There has been a list of apartment rules and consequences in the living room for a long time now that he refuses to look at or read since he already knows what they are. He said that since he has said that he is sorry that I should not make him deal with the consequences that that is unfair and unreasonable of me. If I'm going to be like that about it then he is not sorry. He seems to be missing the point of what it means to be sorry. They aren't words to be used to manipulate people, at least they shouldn't be. I remember when he first came to live with me and one time telling me that to say I'm sorry means that you can do it again because you said I'm sorry. He said that taking away the internet won't stop him from sleeping on the sofa. I tried to give him another way to look at it. If I miss work then I don't get paid for that day. I can apologize to my boss, give reasons and say that I'm sorry however I still won't get paid. Being sorry doesn't get me out of the consequences. Guess what? He didn't sleep on the sofa last night!

Just a little while ago he randomly asked me what I was doing and if I was writing my book. No just blogging, I haven't written anything new for my book since January. You're on blogger now? Yes I switched from Tumblr awhile ago as there doesn't seem to be a lot of adults on there. Then he went and brushed his teeth! Then I see him taking dirty dishes out of his room! My hubby had suggested to him last night that perhaps if he cleaned up his room a little bit he would be more comfortable in there. I have stopped going in and cleaning his room and it's a mess! For some reason he dumped all of his dirty laundry in the middle of the room. When I asked him why he said he wanted the floor to feel like it had carpet. Really? Your kidding right?! No not really... This was the day he came back from his friends so sometimes his behavior just isn't going to make sense after smoking weed and drinking. The garbage can is overflowing and there is garbage all over the place. If this is his current level of self-care than it is what it is. 

BTW July 30 was my hubby and I's 4th year anniversary of the day we meet. At first I thought it was 3 years. My son said it must be 5. I had to think about it for a bit. For years I always thought we had been together a year longer then we had been. I guess in trying to correct that I over-corrected. While I still remember with clarity the first time I say him, what he said and what I was wearing... A flowered dress. He used to call me his flower girl and sing (I Love) The Flower Girl! It seems a life time ago. We have certainly come a long ways. All my nagging and pushing has paid off! ;)

Mom

BarbieBF