Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Anger

I thought I would center today's post on ODD since I make reference to my son's ODD fairly frequently and I myself am trying to get a better understanding of what is happening and motivating my son's behavior.

Two articles that have caught my attention today are:

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and AD/HD
http://www.additudemag.com
Physiology of Anger
http://www.mentalhelp.net

My son's nurse was here this morning. I had tried to get him up before she arrived but I had no success as yet again he was up all night and didn't go to sleep until after 4. Another morning of waking up to him sleeping on the sofa. By the way it is one of the apartment rules that he sleep in his own bed. She dropped off a list of the weekly event schedule for June, July & August. Hopefully the next one will make it to him earlier :) I brought up to her that even though I know my son isn't officially diagnosed with ODD that it seems to be controlling his behavior so much right now. During this conversation she commented that his pdoc had mentioned that he might not have schizophrenia but psychosis NOS. I don't know what to think. I'm guessing only time will tell for sure. In the meantime it's symptoms of ODD that I think need the most attention right now. My son did get up while she was still here not that he particularly played a big part in the conversation. We were discussing what services Ready4Life could help him with and I rubbed his leg to get him to pay attention since this is his life and services that he will need to be aware of and to ask for help with. Defiance poked it's little head up and he kind of snapped: yes I know and went back to ignoring us. As I said on another post his only concern seems to be getting away from me without any regard to what is going to happen once he is on his own or any thoughts as to how is going to manage and take care of himself. I'm guessing that part of this defiance or anger is because I have made it clear that we will not be spending money on him like we have in the past. We did take him to get cigarettes for the rest of the month before he spent what little money he did have. He ended up buying an E-Cigarette Vaporizer and extra flavored cartridges that don't give nicotine and one carton of cherry flavored cigarettes. He still had one carton of his normal cigarettes. My son smokes at least a carton a week. The math doesn't really work does it? Last night he decided to spend the last of his money on a pocket knife. A knife I heard hitting his bedroom door last night. I reminded him again that he has a whole month to go yet and he will have no money for cigarettes or energy drinks etc. His response is that he will go without. We have had our issues in the past trying to limit his cigarettes when my hubby and I were the ones paying for them. It was a daily argument at 30 a day. Maybe I should be looking forward to him moving out so that I don't have to deal with this!

When his nurse asked him about PACT talking to Ready4Life and I stated that he had signed a waiver allowing Ready4Life to talk to PACT, his defiance reared it's head again. He didn't recall signing it. The lady from Ready4Life had made it quit clear what it was and had made sure that he understood what it was that he was signing although I guess at the time his only concern was not having my name on it. If you read the above link my son fits all of the criteria not just four. I have seen him purposely not do things just because I have asked him to do it. I have seen him purposely do things around me that he knows that I don't like that he does not do around other people. All these things and more are happening consistently even when he is not psychotic and they are having a significant impairment on his functioning. I have some pretty basic apartment rules that he is refusing to follow like cleaning up after himself and sleeping in his own bed. Rules that a 5 year old can follow. Rules that he has agreed are reasonable and that he knows he has to do however blames everyone else for him not doing them. I guess I need to get back to some basics on how to handle/discipline ADHD and ODD as I have been lax on the boundaries and not enforcing the consequences. This should be fun!

The above article on anger helps to give a better understanding of anger. However I still don't get why someone with psychosis seems unable to feel or react appropriately to emotions like love yet seem to have an unending supply of emotions like anger and resentment. Perhaps it's because different neurotransmitters are involved? I wonder if that is something that science should be looking into! Between feelings of anger and resentment and what appears to be ODD to me, my son seems to be acting and reacting on a basic instinct of, well to put it bluntly, screw you. With no regard to his own mental or physical well-being. Being defiant is more important.

Oops... I forgot that I had started making some bread.

Mom
BarbieBF

Between a Rock and a Hard Place.

I have not been so unsure of what to do in a long time. My heart is aching, my brain is saying it's time and I'm stuck, just stuck! No one can tell me what to do and no one can know what the outcome will be. I sometimes wonder about parent/caregiver PTSD. Watching our loved ones go through psychotic breaks and episodes is traumatic. Even when stable the fear of if/when the next break will happen is a daily concern and worry. We live with the anxiety and stress of questioning everything that we do. Is this the right choice? Will this work or make things worse? What if what I'm doing is wrong? and even What if what I'm doing is right? Then what? When things are tough we put our heads down, square our shoulders and pray for the strength to just get through one more day. We have learned to ride the waves, so to speak, and to hope for calmer waters. Then one day those waves abate just a little bit and we can look up. New uncharted territory. Do we pull ashore or keep riding the waves we now have intimate knowledge of? Christopher Columbus would not have discovered a new continent if he had stayed in the boat!

I woke up this morning to the usual mess in my kitchen and living room with my son snoring away on the sofa. Again he had not taken his pills until sometime this morning. I call his name and he sits up. The sofa is soaked with his sweat. Sweat that smells like hot sauce. After several attempts and incoherent responses I finally get him off the sofa and tell him he needs to clean up some of this mess as my husband won't be able to find room to even make his lunch for work. He managed to pick up a couple of items from the coffee table before heading to the bathroom to hug the toilet. A result of him being mobile while sedating meds are strong in his system or something else, as he has been going for 'walks' again. He must not have been very coherent when he was eating a bowl of canned ravioli as it was smeared on the sofa and on the floor. So it's 4:30 AM and I'm spot cleaning the sofa! Not a happy camper but I hold my tongue, put on some coffee since I'm obviously up, then talk him into moving from the bathroom to his bed so I can go pee. This is one boat that I don't want to be on anymore!

But! What will happen when he's on his own and there is no one that loves him watching out for him? Are his roommates going to tolerate even a quarter of what I tolerate? I have visions of him looking and smelling like a bum. Dirty laundry, dirty bedding. Garbage filled room. Not eating right. Perhaps even missed medications with un-monitored marijuana use. I see a psychotic break in the makings. PTSD or being realistic?

So I'm stuck between this proverbial rock and a hard place. My head is saying it's time to let go and my heart is saying but my little boy... There in lies perhaps a very important truth. He will always be my little boy but he is no longer a little boy. If I don't step back then I am only stunting him further as he will never learn to take responsibility for his own life and self-care. He will continue to have unrealistic expectations of both himself and those around him. The thought of him being 30 and us still treading the same waters is perhaps my life line. I can't imagine another 10 years of being maid and minion to my adult son. 

His nurse said to me this morning: He is the one always saying that he is an adult and wants to be treated like one. She also pointed out that him moving out doesn't mean that I will never see him again. I tell myself that kids grow up and move away from home everyday. Granted most of those kids have a firmer grasp on reality and don't have cognitive deficits. They have learned through school and part time jobs, good and bad, how things work. On the up side my son has a network of people willing to help him. Until now I have been the one doing the asking for him. Baby steps mama! I need to step back and he needs to step up! Have I talked myself into letting this happen yet? I think so... *pushes me the rock out of the way and baby steps around it*

An article on Caregivers & PTSD: http://dontloseheart.org/

Mom

BarbieBF

up down down up... Any Elvis Presley fans?

"Baby, what you want me to do" is the title of the song.

We're goin' up, we're goin' down

We're goin' up, down down up

Any way you wanna let it roll

Yeah, yeah, yeah

You got me doin' what you want me

Oh baby what you want me to do

You got me peepin' you got me hidin'

You got me peep hide hide peep

Any way you wanna let it roll

Yeah yeah yeah

You got me doin what you want me

Baby what you want me to do

This was going through my head last night when I was trying to go to sleep. I actually did get to sleep after taking a Melatonin to be woken up by the police calling me at 11:08 PM. The arrangement was for after 7 PM and by 10 I figured it wasn't going to happen. Is it too late to drop by now? No I'm up. I sometimes wonder why I keep trying but I just can't find it in me to let my downstairs neighbor continue unchecked. They have received their second N5 notice or notice to terminate tenancy due to excess noise. Short story. Three officers showed up to inform me that me being yelled at, called an idiot, pervert, f'ing bitch, banging on walls and derogatory comments regarding me having sexual relations with my mentally retarded son do not meet the criteria or 'threshold' for them to press charges of harassment. Really what was I thinking?! I guess all I can do right now is cross my fingers that a hearing with the Landlord and Tenant Review Board happens soon and they decide that I have enough evidence to let management evict her and hopefully before winter months as apparently it's harder to evict then. Occurrence numbers from the police with warnings and a noise violation ticket that management says has to do with the police and not them. Audio recordings of her and her husband's verbal outbursts and banging that the police don't want to see. My motto on life right now is Grrrr!

Nana isn't doing to good. I won't say much about that here other then I really hope that she gets the help that she needs.

My son... up down down up... seems to be jest of it. We meet with the lady from Ready4Life yesterday. I'm guessing she has had her fair share of experience with some tough and stressful situations. At least I hope so and if not she handled the sometimes awkward moments very well. His ODD seemed to have been kicked into high gear. Took us about 5 minutes to get him to agree to putting me down as an emergency contact as he pretty much wanted anyone else or no one. First it was his dad who lives in a different province/state so that doesn't really work then it was the guy who lives across the hall (his friend's dad) but he didn't have his consent or even his knowledge that it was happening. Eventually he agreed to me however I am not allowed access to his file and they can't talk to me regarding it unless it is an emergency. Regardless of his ODD it was probably a good thing that I was there as I answered a lot of the questions for him since he couldn't. He didn't know the dates of his last two hospital admissions. He doesn't know the factual information on how far he made it in school. He didn't know his diagnoses included concurrent disorders or what that meant. He didn't know the name of his disability worker. You get the point. I asked questions regarding the level of help they can give him and they can help him get furnishings if needed and take him to the food bank if needed. They also have their own crisis line that he can use. They will look into some places for him that is room rentals where they share the rest of the house as that is all he can afford on his current income. His only concern seemed to be getting away from me. The person that got him up and took him to the appointment! Well my hubby did the driving and bought him his coffee.

This past weekend was a little tough and I ended up taking away his phone and internet privileges for two nights. Saturday night he decided to leave as he couldn't stay here under those conditions. He was back within about 10 minutes. Again I won't go into all the details but things have gotten way out of control and a lot of people are getting hurt. He of course was up most of the night and slept most of Sunday. Same Sunday night.

After the appointment with Ready4Life we all came home and talked. I'm fairly impressed with myself and my hubby as we managed to keep things calm and rational. It was difficult but I managed to not allow my son to turn our conversation into side arguments that had nothing to do with what we were talking about. As I said his ODD was in high gear. Statements like: I'm going to call disability and get everyone fired... We were discussing how much of his check I'm entitled to. We were also discussing what the payment covers and it isn't luxuries. He refused to look at the disability website and see the breakdown as of course he isn't going to believe what he reads on the internet! I did my best to ignore these statements and told him to go ahead. As of this payment I am insisting on receiving what I am supposed to get. How am I going to pay for entertainment? He can't have it both ways anymore. I am done with the bullshit and lies. Being accused of not treating him like an adult, being controlling and putting him through hell while he's acting like 5 year old who can't even find the garbage-can not alone take care of himself. I'm done giving and giving. Welcome to the adult world were money really doesn't grow on trees and when you don't have, you don't have it. I did agree to give him back phone and internet however it is a privilege and it can be taken away and he is not to contact his Nana right now. I filled him in on what is happening with her and why but didn't have a long conversation on it and he said he needed time to think through what is happening. I really hope that he does!

His defiance seems to have lost some steam so that's a good thing. Until later...

Mom

BarbieBF

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Find out what it means to me.

Respect... This word has been brought up a couple of times today. I asked my son this morning if he took his pills last night as he has been up all night and is still up at noon today and showing no signs of fatigue. He felt disrespected. I'm not sure I understand my son's feelings on respect or disrespect or this generations for that matter. I get that it can and does upset those with a mental illness to be asked such a question however sometimes it is a valid question.

I decided to take a leap and try to talk to my son this morning about the current situation between him, myself and his Nana. We managed to keep the conversation calm however I did not make any headway it seems. I asked him if he gained anything by having his Nana hate me. He said yes. I asked him he felt that Nana would love him less if he told the truth and his first response was yes and then he seemed confused by the question and asked what is the truth? That he usually does tell her the truth eventually... I'm thinking not!

I'm afraid I'm really struggling with this situation. I feel that his Nana and I should be working together, in love not hate, regarding my son's future. We do after all both love him. Unfortunately we have different view points on how to help him which really isn't anything new. The difference is that when he was living with her and calling me and telling me what a bitch she was I didn't fall for it hook, line and sinker. I insisted that he talk about her with respect. I knew she acted out of love even if I didn't agree with what was being done.

I asked my son where in all this was there any respect for me? Where do my feelings fit in? There seems to be zero consideration for me or my feelings or what I am trying to accomplish. I'm not trying to keep drugs and alcohol out of his life, give him structure or teach him responsibility for his choices and actions because I don't love him. This may be a little controlling on my part but I do find it really hard to swallow that it is my phone that he uses to call her and lie about me. It would be like me using my bosses phone to call someone and complain what a tyrant he is. Can't imagine that going over very well. Can you? In my opinion that would be disrespectful.

Another thing I'm finding hard at the moment is keeping my cool about the messes that he is making. Every morning I'm waking up to a kitchen and living room looking like a tornado hit it. Pickles and pickle juice, snacks, popcorn everywhere, overflowing ashtray and butts on the floor and coffee table and that is just the living room! The kitchen counter cluttered with popcorn wrappers and garbage with spilled Kool-Aid and coffee all down the cupboards and on the floor. If he is capable of making the mess then he is capable of cleaning it up or at least reaching the garbage which isn't in some far off land. I got told yesterday that it was his father's fault that he was making these messes because he had broken his heart. Sorry not to be harsh but I'm not buying into that and I told him that he is 20 years old and his current actions are a reflection on no one except himself. His father is not here distracting him and causing him to throw things around like we lived in a garbage dump. Showing some respect for the home that he is being provided is not beyond his capabilities.

He is not liking the fact that I'm refusing to give him money early. His disability check has not arrived and even when it does it can not be cashed until the last day of the month. I don't mind compromising and giving him money once the check has come in and he has signed it over to me for cashing as that is my only security in receiving my portion for room and board. As it is I don't take what is supposed to come to me. It's becoming a monthly discussion on why I won't give him money early. Today he asked for the number for disability as he wants to call them and get a payment early for the place that he is going to move into. What place?! He was talking to his friend on Skype yesterday and I'm guessing neither one of them have money for alcohol at the moment.

I also got told yesterday when pointing out the mess that he already knows he is supposed to pick up, I don't need to remind him, that he was going to call his father about making arrangements to get the hell out of here. What about the place he needs his disability early for? Needless to say I told him to tell his father about the messes that he is making and the 2 grams of weed I had to throw out. It's a pretty sure bet that he didn't relay that instead centered on how I'm treating him like a child and yelling at him for no reason.

One a good note he finally had a shower this morning. He wanted to go for breakfast so I let him know that he wasn't leaving the apartment with me until he had a shower. It's been way to long. This shower also included some personal grooming of his facial hair. I must say he cleans up really nice!

Mom
BarbieBF

Getting back on track.

I don't have much to blog about today which is a good thing :)

I wanted to take the time to note the positives that I have been seeing over the last couple of days with my son. His mood is a lot more stable. Two days ago he wanted a new pen. Actually he wanted two of them but Staples only had the one in stock. When my son is recovering he takes an interest in pens and notebooks as he likes to write, draw or doodle what he is thinking about. I consider this a good sign that he is able to get his thoughts organized enough to try to get them out onto paper. Yesterday he wanted a couple more small notebooks and a day planner. While looking for the 'right' notebook he joked with me that this was his OCD. He liked the idea of a day planner as he would like to start being organized. To borrow one of his phrases 'I'm down with that.' I have tried to help him be prepared for appointments etc by putting calendar pages on his wall however he rarely looked at them. Hopefully this approach will help since it is his idea. I don't think he realizes how much his ODD can cause him to turn his back on things that I do just because... well because it's ODD ;) I have noticed that his manners are coming back. He is back to saying thank you for dinner and the other things that I have been getting him. When he is asking for things he is polite about it and accepts when the answer is no. He has asked a couple of times for his disability money early. Although the first time was for money to 'party' with his sister before she left so saying no to that one was easy. Instead we all went to a park so that they could spend time together outdoors. They had fun feeding this chipmunk. Cute little guy!

Yesterday it was to buy a game subscription to World of Warcraft. Sorry mom is broke right now. And I am! 'How can you be so broke?' All those little things add up plus the road trip out west, new motor etc. He graciously accepted me saying no. He spent some time with hubby and I watching our TV shows and doodling in his new day planner.

Last night when I got his pills ready for him it was with the Invega instead of the Risperidone. I gave him the pharmacy printout of what the medication is for and so that he could look it up online by it's generic name Paliperidone. I pointed out its uses: used to treat mental/mood disorders and help you to think more clearly and positively about yourself, feel less agitated, and take a more active part in everyday life. One of the first things he saw when looking it up was that it was used to treat depression and I think he was happy about that. I'm not sure what time he went to bed although I know it was after 2 but when I got up this morning he awoke from sleeping on the sofa stating that he had had the best night sleep. I suggested he could use more sleep still and he did go back to bed. Now I'm trying to get him up as his nurse is supposed to be here any minute...

His nurse just left. Some discussion about the Invega. So far he hasn't noticed anything different, not noticing anything bad I think is a good thing. Talked about his thoughts on moving out, getting his own place and the type of place he would be open to. He seems agreeable to the idea of sharing a house with others as really his options are limited at the moment with his current income or lack thereof. Talked a little about schooling or getting a job and what the best thing for him would be. Schooling can be put off for a little bit however it will need to be looked at again. Hopefully once/if the Invega works as I'm hoping it will. His nurse let him know that she will continue to be his main nurse but that the family support worker I met with will soon be his main case worker.

I've been trying to get myself re-organized. Sent an email to our insurance broker about the past two bounced payments. Noted on my calender upcoming bill due dates. Finances have gotten a little out of control and I need to get us back on track with that too. Reminded my son that we still need to get his blood work done so hopefully I can get him in the shower today as well.

Mom
BarbieBF

Serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

I wear the Serenity Prayer on a charm on my necklace. My mom bought it for me in 2001, not long before she passed away, when I was on my first attempt to get clean from addiction. It held meaning for us both then and today I find myself revisiting it's meaning yet again.



Above picture credit to: Etsy

My normal optimism had deserted me for a little bit. I tried to blame it on PMS which I'm sure played it's part but I also recognize that there are things going on that are making me feel sad. My daughter left yesterday to go back home with her dad. I miss her already. This journey I find my son and I on is, as usual, keeping me on my toes but underneath all that is a sadness that has been building up for some time now. I find myself reading and rereading these words and realizing that once again I need to apply it's wisdom to my own life.

A couple of days ago my mom's birth sister contacted me wanting to met up with my sister and I at an Elvis Festival going on this weekend. For those who are not aware an Elvis Festival is were Elvis Tribute Artists (ETA's) compete and show their love for Elvis Presley. For several years my older sister and I bonded and rebuilt our relationship through a mutual love of Elvis's music. Granted I had no idea about any of this the first time my sister asked me to go to Akron to see an ETA with her. Go where? To see a what? I still chuckle over the memory of that conversation. Anyways fast forward to January of this year and we had a falling out. Sadly over money and other things. I take full responsibility for the falling out as it is my quest for answers that has caused this rift. I find that without the answers, or proof of the answers I am getting, that I am unable to continue the relationship. Add in years of hurt and misunderstandings and I now find myself without not one but two sisters. My younger sister has also cut off communicating with me and I can only guess that it is a result of the falling out with my older sister as we were communicating up until that point. Since then she has not responded to me so I can only assume since she won't even confirm one way or the other her reasons. I have tried to put it behind me and I try to pretend like it doesn't hurt since the choice to walk away was mine. Well enough of pretending. It does hurt and it hurts more then I thought that it would. Not so much the current rift but the reasons leading up to it. So I read the words of the above prayer. I had finally found the courage to ask the questions that had been haunting me for a very long time. Questions that are still in my mind unanswered. Now I need the serenity to accept what I cannot change. Family can be hard sometimes. I see it also with other blogs that I follow. Hurt and misunderstandings that get in the way of the love that we share. Our own hurts and their hurts. Walking away doesn't lessen the pain nor the love so I guess acceptance is what we are left with and hopefully having the wisdom to know that which we cannot change can bring us the serenity that we seek.

I'm afraid we missed our appointment today with Ready4Life. We were 15 mintues late and just missed her. Rescheduled to Friday. Still have to get him down for blood work.

My son's psychiatrist appointment yesterday went well. We discussed, or I tried to discuss, my son's diagnose(s). Officially schizophrenia with concurrent disorders... The concurrent disorders being unofficially addiction, ADHD and ODD and per my son OCD. As my hubby sometimes jokes 'So we are playing the alphabet game.' Really in the end they are only letters of the alphabet. As long as we are taking care of symptoms or helping to lessen the 'stress' that he is going through then we are doing our jobs. My son agreed to a switch from Risperidone to Invega. No change in his Clozapine and we need to try and get him back on his Neurontin. His pdoc expressed concerns to my son that we do not want him relapsing and what he is currently experiencing may be an indication or leading up to what his previous breaks have been.

I find myself yet again at an acceptance crossroads. I have had to re-evaluate my own acceptance of my son's schizophrenia. My son has schizophrenia. There is a sadness yet a serenity in my own coming to terms with this. Accept the things I cannot change. There are so many things that I cannot change at the moment. His Nana's feelings towards me. That my daughter is there and not here. That my sisters are not currently a part of my family life. That we are in a lot of debt and my downstairs neighbor seems unable to keep her base from vibrating my floor. ;) Figured I would through the last two in there. However there are things that I am now learning to have the courage to do. I have been able to make my family, my husband and my children, the priority that they need to be in my life. I am doing my best to increase mental illness awareness and to help those that I can even if it's only to show support through my own experiences. I am where and who I need to be. As for my son's schizophrenia: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it... However I can and I will continue to be, to the best of my ability, the support that he needs me to be.

Mom
BarbieBF

Schizophrenia. I wear my sunglasses at night...

I got up this morning at 5 to my son sitting at his computer with his sunglasses on. What else can I say about that!? Yes he had been up all night again. Got his pills from the living room where I had left them for him the night before, told him it was 5 o'clock and time to go to bed which thankfully he did. I myself crawled back into bed until my hubby kissed me good-bye a little while later, assuring me that he had made coffee, so I got up and saw him off to work. Perhaps I am PMS'ing still as I had to fight back some tears this morning. Not a usual occurrence for me. Although sometimes I think a good cry would do me some good but I seem unable to let that dam break. Angry tears may sometimes flow but those that may be a reflection of my own internal hurt and frustration are securely locked away perhaps waiting for a time when they can safely be released. I posted an update on me and my son on the Schizophrenia.com forum and was nicely asked by the main admin if I wanted to take a break from being moderator until I can get a more positive state of mind. And I thought I did a good job of keeping my feelings to a minimum... I guess not. I declined. The forum gives me purpose, especially when my own life is not going as planned.

The first thing I did this morning, after my coffee that is, was to e-mail the YMCA and ask them if my son had been asked to not attend. As I suspected the conversation was a little more in depth than that. They had expressed concerns that he is not progressing and offered to have a meeting with both of us which he declined. He does not want to commit to any goal setting and is not working independently or taking advantage of the 1-1 instructing. They did mention another literacy program that may suit him better as it is for people with lower literacy skills. He was not asked to not attend and an interest is being shown in how to motivate him to participate better as at this rate he will be years preparing for his GED. I gave them a little more detail on what has been happening, filling in the 'He's not doing well.' blanks. For now this will have to wait until he is better able to handle it.

I put in a call to his nurse this morning, left her a message and she called me back. I let her know that he is not doing ok. He has not gotten any worse but he is not getting any better. The amount of anti-psychotics that he is on is not cutting it. I feel that she is finally taking me seriously in that even though my son may not be displaying obvious positive symptoms he is still suffering from symptoms of schizophrenia. Maybe that is why I'm finding myself a little choked up. I seem to have been holding onto this misguided idea that maybe just maybe my son was misdiagnosed, since he didn't completely fit into my idea of what schizophrenia is. That if I could just get him over his addiction and keep him clean that the psychosis would fall away. As I said yesterday, I can admit when I'm wrong.

I set up an appointment for his psychiatrist to do a home visit tomorrow morning. I'm guessing that my son will be ok with this since he wants to meet with him too although for a different reason. My son will probably push for a benzo while I will be trying to get another anti-psychotic prescribed since I highly doubt that we will get him to agree to an increase in his Clozapine. Keep your fingers crossed for us that with a little more patience and perseverance I can turn this around.

Mom
BarbieBF

Oops. Things not always as they appear...

Most of the time I think I have a pretty good grasp on what is happening but sometimes I have to acknowledge that I can be wrong. Yes I can do that ;) Yesterday my son asked me if I had seen his vaporizer as he thought someone had stolen it. I told him that I had it and why. He had a good explanation. During our last grocery shop I bought him a light wave speaker. He is using the charged vaporizer to power the speaker so that he can move it around with him. He pointed out that he can't use the vaporizer for weed as he would have to make it into liquid first. Yes I know but I couldn't rule out him doing this. So for now the use of the vaporizer has been explained.

My son is struggling right now and I'm not to sure how to help him. He told me yesterday that he has been asked to not attend the YMCA for schooling as he is not progressing. I will have to call or email them on Monday as I'm thinking there is a little more to it then that. I remember when he had his first appointment with them to sign up, being told that they have some who have been there for a long time as they can work at their own pace, so I'm not to sure I understand what is happening. Perhaps he is being nudged into applying himself more? He said that he can't do it so he will have to start looking for a job. If he can't apply himself to 6 hours a week schooling then chances are he can't apply himself to learn a job. He seems to think that working is easy and takes no mental effort. Delusion or immature thinking? Since he doesn't have much personal experience to draw from on this then I'm thinking lack of experience or immature thinking. We both agreed that he will have to learn for himself that it does take mental effort to do a job.

He said that he can't put into words the 'stress' that he is currently experiencing that maybe one day he could explain it to me so that I can understand. Personally I don't think that he even understands the stress that he is feeling as he doesn't want to or can't understand the negative impact of symptoms. It's times like this that I myself have to re-evaluate my opinion on whether or not my son has schizophrenia. I explained to him that there is more to schizophrenia then positive symptoms like hallucinations and voices. There is also negative symptoms which get in the way of people's ability to cope with normal life stresses. On the surface his life can not, in my opinion, get much easier. I pointed out that he was doing great up until the Adderall and nothing else has changed so it's his inability to cope that needs to be looked at. I took a leap and suggested that maybe we need to look at upping his anti-psychotics for a little bit until things can get under control again. He doesn't want to be on pills for the rest of his life. 'I would rather die...' My heart hurt when I told him that he may need to be on pills for the rest of his life if he does in fact have schizophrenia.

He seems to understand that he needs help however he wants to be prescribed benzodiazepines even though he knows that he will not have an easy time getting them. He also doesn't want anti-depressants. I know that he doesn't like being on the Clozapine and doesn't want to be on another anti-psychotic since in his eyes he doesn't need them. I don't know how to help him come to terms with this and I am afraid to push and cause his ODD to flare up. I don't know if it's his ADHD or schizophrenia symptoms but for the past couple of days he has been pretty jittery. Not really hyper like I have seen where he is punching his bed or hitting walls or jumping like a 5 year old but like a muted undertone of something not right. Maybe it's time to look into another medication. I know that he has been tried on a lot of them but they were during times of chronic high marijuana use and nothing seemed to help except the Clozapine. I have heard of some good results with Latuda. It's an atypical or new generation AP that seems to work on blocking or antagonizing dopamine D2 receptors. No I don't really understand exactly what this means except that it helps to limit the amount of dopamine my son's brain has to work with. Clozapine is also one. I look at these things as I believe my son's brain produces too much dopamine and especially after the Adderall certain types of medications will do him more harm then good.

Because of his legs going pretty non-stop I asked him last night if he wanted a Neurontin. The last time I gave him one he didn't take it so I'm never to sure if I should be giving it to him or not however I do know that despite his tendency to try and abuse it that it does help with his anxiety and it does seem to help keep his mood more stable. It works on the central nervous system. I'm hoping that he took the one that I gave him last night. He was up this morning when I got up just before 6 stating that he had been asleep for a couple of hours but woke up and was just having a smoke. He seemed too alert to have already been asleep. His pill dish was empty and he is sleeping sound now so I'm guessing he took them shortly before I got up. One of the benefits to my insomnia is that being up and down all night allowed me to keep a closer eye on him so that I could nicely nag him into taking his pills and going to bed. Maybe knowing that my daughter is around and can get me up if needed is allowing me to sleep better.

I almost feel like we are on a precipice or the edge of a cliff and I don't know if we are going to go over or manage to shuffle ourselves out of harms way. I don't know how to move us forward and away from this edge without causing harm yet I also feel that if we don't move forward then we will inevitably succumb to gravity and fall of the edge anyways. We can not stay teetering as we are. Perhaps I can but for my son it is not a good place.

Mom
BarbieBF

Ready4Life and family support.

The last couple of days seem to have flown by. Wednesday we received a phone call from Ready4Life. Thursday I meet with a family support worker from PACT and my daughter got a new tattoo. Yesterday was doctor appointments and the movies. Now it's Saturday, hubby is working, the kids are sleeping and I'm feeling a little sad (truthfully more then a little), as my daughter will be going back home to her dad's on Tuesday. I can't blame PMS for feeling a little choked up about this. Having her here has been wonderful and I think it has even done my son some good. They have been watching movies together at night and thanks to my daughter someone that they both used to know when they both lived with me about 6-7 years ago may be re-kindling a friendship with my son. This boy/man is in college and as far as I can tell doesn't do drugs or drink. Will have to see how this plays out as I know he asked my son about paintball.

I wasn't expecting a phone call from Ready4Life so quickly. When the lady called and asked me how my son felt about it, my response was basically: He is usually all for it when we are butting heads however he tends to back off from it when things are calm. I cautioned her that my son was on the other line listening as I heard the echo when he picked up. The conversation went better then I had anticipated. In the past when my son has been faced with this discussion he would state that there is no need as he is going to be moving back with his Nana or Dad. His Nana no longer lives on her own and despite my son's usual insistence that this is an option, it really isn't. They discussed what the program can do for him and set up an appointment for next week. A little while later I asked my son if he wanted to discuss this and he said no that there was no point. In case you are in the Halton, Ontario, Canada region this is their link: http://www.r-4-l.org/

My son usually sees one of his support workers Thursday mornings, if he is awake and doesn't cancel. Despite the fact that he had gotten up for school and stayed up all day, he still managed to stay up all night and hadn't gone to bed until 6 AM. When the lady first called we discussed her coming by at another time however when I realized that she was the family support worker that his nurse had told me about, I asked that she still come by as we really need this extra support. I didn't wake my son as I wanted a chance to talk to her, uninterrupted, about what has been happening. One of the first things I told her was that I am so grateful that PACT has brought her on board as even though my son's other workers listen to me and my concerns, we/I need someone who can help from a family support point of view. I told her about the Adderall, the (hysterical) laughter, irregular sleep pattern, the marijuana and filled her in on some of the family struggles. The laughter was still happening as of that morning when he spent several hours finding the thought of cow udders to be extremely funny. Ok maybe they are a little funny :) but not enough to warrant hours of seemingly uncontrollable giggling. Again I was thankful to have my concerns validated. She took note of the laughter and sleep and said that she would bring it up at their meeting later that day as there appears to be something going on. I talked to her about my concerns regarding my son's inability to communicate in a better way with his Nana, including my thoughts on their relationship (current and past) and Folie à deux, stating that my son needs help learning to express himself better or differently as this is not helping him. We discussed his medications a little bit. I still think that his anti-psychotics should have been upped after the Adderall however at this point I have no idea how to accomplish that without causing his ODD to act up. The last thing I want to do is interfere with the fact that he is being medication compliant, at least as far as I know.

I was asked if my son was still using marijuana. I said no however now I am not so sure. My son has a cigarette vaporizer that he got some time ago and hasn't been using it for months. I have been noticing over the past week that he may be using it even though I am unable to find the mouth piece which in itself is odd. He has been charging it and moving it around. Some time ago I read an article that teenagers are using these to smoke marijuana along with electronic or E-Cigarettes. You can even find videos on YouTube.com on how to fool people so they can't tell that is what you are doing with it. I guess since it releases the 'smoke' as vapor there is minimal or no smell plus it's vapor so more effective and less harsh on the lungs? I'm not sure exactly how they work and I do believe they are questioning the harmful affects of vapor/liquid in the lungs. All I know is why would my son being charging it and where is the mouth piece? If he is using it for weed then it only stands to reason that it would be kept out of my sight. I also think I heard my son opening his bedroom window the night that he charged it. I have seen my son cold and/or sweating and he doesn't think to open or close his bedroom window. Also a night that he stayed up all night and stated that even though he had taken his pills that he couldn't get to sleep. Lot's of red flags. I really wish that my past experience with addiction could serve me better in helping my son, as it's the marijuana in my home that is the straw breaking the camels back, metaphorically speaking. Regardless of how much I love my son I can not continue to support this behavior or choice. I wish I could make him see the damage that it is causing.

An hour with this lady and it feels like I barely touched the surface but it's a start and hopefully a good one. It was a comfort to have my daughter also sit in on this meeting as her take on things, seeing things as they are by being here and knowing what information is being passed on, I think helped to paint the bigger picture. Hopefully soon we can set up another appointment where she can meet my son. During some of our talking I mentioned the Schizophrenia.com forum that I help to moderate and showed her the main page as it has a lot of information on schizophrenia. While it is a volunteer thing I sometimes lovingly call it my 'job'. She asked me if I would be interested in participating and helping with some support groups that PACT is looking into starting. I have wanted to be more involved for awhile now so perhaps this will be my opportunity to step out of my own comfort zone and give the support I would love to give to other people. Something that I am never to sure how to respond to are comments from people in real life, face to face, telling me on how strong and inspiring I am. Comments like: 'You seem to have your hands full.' Physically no. Mentally maybe. My son doesn't take up much of my physical time. I do feel for parents or caregivers who juggle family, work and broken systems. 'You seem to handle things very well.' or 'You are doing all the right things.' Most of the time however there are times when I doubt myself and wonder if I'm doing the right things. I find I hesitate before I get out that quiet 'Thank you.' Still I appreciate the vote of confidence and even more so coming from someone who has experience in all this.

My son eventually got up around 2 PM and went with my daughter and I to my daughter's tattoo appointment. My daughter has gone through stages of punk or emo? Sometimes I feel old! Mohawks, green hair, piercings and tattoos. I actually found her green Mohawk cute! Some piercings have been removed while some remain. I like her Monroe and I'm glad she kept it. Her latest addition is a cross tattoo in recognition of her new found faith in God. The lady did a really good job.

Yesterday we had a follow up appointment for my daughter's yearly check up to get x-rays done for the scoliosis surgery she had on her spine several years ago. Her spin was literally an S. Double major curves each around 50 degrees. I forgot again to take before and after pictures. She is healing nicely. She gained I do believe 2 inches as result of the straightening of her spine and ended up taller them me!

My hubby had an appointment to renew his Ciprelax which I of course attended with him. I sometimes wonder if I spend too much time reading and researching mental illness and other disorders. I think my hubby has ADD and perhaps Paranoid Personality Disorder. He agrees with the ADD but not the paranoia. I very well could be over-analyzing that one. I brought up to our Doctor that I think his anxiety may be a result of ADD and that he fits about 90% of the criteria. The Doctor didn't even bat an eye and fairly quickly said that it was possible and is putting in a referral to a psychiatrist as he doesn't diagnose these types of things. I will save the paranoia discussion for the pdoc ;)

We all went to see the movie Transformers: Age of Extinction last night. I liked it however I was a little disappointed but the ending made up for that. I think it's been 4 or 5 nights in a row now that I haven't had to take anything for sleep and I have been sleeping most of the night, only waking up a couple of times. To borrow one of my son's responses. Nice! It's been a fairly busy week so maybe that is helping to combat my insomnia. My downstairs neighbor has been behaving so I haven't had to take any sleeping pills either. We also went to a bookstore yesterday as I wanted to buy a book I read about. It's called Far From The Tree by Andrew Solomon. Winner of 11 national awards and USA Today states: "A masterpiece of nonfiction, the culmination of a decade's worth of research and writing... It should be required reading for psychologists, teachers and above all, parents.... A bold and unambiguous call to redefine how we view difference.' 700 pages should keep me busy for awhile. I used to read all the time... Romance and vampires ;) I also got a book called Awakening Your Psychic Powers...

We are a week late getting my son's monthly blood work done. I seem to be slipping a bit. I also realized yesterday that I had let our car insurance payment bounce again. Two months in a row. Time to get re-organized! Have to call the pharmacy and have them refill two of my son's prescriptions. I seriously worry about who will take care of these things or anything else for that matter if/when my son is out on his own. It's a scary thought. I think I have written enough for one day so I won't go into that now.

Mom
BarbieBF

Easy peasy with a little patience mixed in... Folie à deux

With a little juggling my son got his watch yesterday. We took a taxi to the mall then to the grocery store where my hubby met us as we were checking out. Chiropractor then home to order pizza for supper. While waiting for the pizza hubby took my son back to the jewelers to adjust the band on his watch since it was too big. Oops, I should have had them do that when he bought it. We had to look up the discount price on my phone to show the jewelers as the price they had didn't match what was online. Thankfully that didn't take long to do as my son was showing signs of irritability with the sales clerk and my son got it for the online price. Whew! Originally an over $400.00 watch discounted to $190.00. Not bad!

Hubby took my daughter driving again while my son and I just vegged watching TV. Well the TV was on. My son was reading up on his new watch and I was dozing. By the time my hubby got back I was struggling to stay awake so it was off to bed for us. Another night that I didn't have to take Melatonin. I reminded my son about school and asked him if he wanted a Trazadone for sleep to which he replied no. I teased him a little bit that maybe tonight he could not forget to take his pills. He smiled and agreed. *fingers crossed* that things are finally starting to turn around. When my son can take my teasing without taking it as an insult that is a good sign. I woke up around 1:40 AM and he was sleeping on one of the sofa's while my daughter was watching I think another episode of Pretty Little Liars. His pill dish was empty! It took a couple of tries but I finally got him into bed. Every time I walk away he lies back down yet if I stand over him he gets irritated.

I slept in a bit this morning and didn't get up until almost 7. Started calling my son around 8. Finally got him up just before 9. School starts at 9. As much as I want him there on time I figure during times like this baby steps work best. I got out some clean cloths for him, got his backpack ready and filled his water bottle with iced tea. With some nice nagging, a lot of huns, sweethearts and pleases he got dressed, brushed his teeth when I asked him too and was finally ready to leave by 9:30. *pats self on back* As he was leaving he noticed an article that I was reading titled: Folie à deux: When Two People Go Insane Together. I was curious about couple psychosis due to a post I was reading on the Schizophrenia.com forum. Another good sign when my son notices or takes interest in things around him. Off to school he went and he even appeared to be in a good mood about it! He even noticed that I had filled his water bottle for him! I think I'm PMS'ing as for some reason I got a little choked up watching him leave. The normalcy of these situations seem to speak volumes to me, for which I am grateful, as they give me the hope that I need to keep fighting for my son's future.

The article I just spoke about got me thinking a little bit about the dynamics of the relationship between my son and his Nana. Folie à deux is a term that originated in psychiatry and was replaced by the term 'shared psychotic disorder', that is usually prevalent in couples but also happens within other family structures. The article states that: ... all that's really necessary is social isolation and a difficult-to-break connection between the two people. I'm not saying that my son's Nana is psychotic however I wonder if the stress of coping and living with my son for an extended period of time coupled with her unconditional, seemingly 'blind love' for my son has contributed to a very unhealthy view of the situation. I know that when things were bad that social isolation was certainly a factor. I know that her ability to step back and see a situation beyond what my son was telling her or seeing, from my point of view, become non-existent. Perhaps I am reaching as a way to deal with my own feelings of hurt that someone I do care about is unable to see me, what am I fighting for or what I think is the bigger picture. She seems to believe everything that my son tells her with apparent little regard for the facts. She has known me for over 22 years and while our relationship has had it's ups and downs as any in-law relationship would, that she could believe that I am who my son has sometimes painted me to be, truly is heartbreaking for me. For reasons that I will not write about here, I do know for a fact that her opinion of me is pretty low at the moment and she really does believe that I am not treating my son right. The sad part it that the only person that could probably fix this is my son himself. To fix it he would have to admit to her all the lies and manipulations that have been told. I certainly won't hold me breath on that one happening. The article states that forced separation should do the trick. While they are separated by distance they are not separate as when things are tough here she is but a sympathetic phone call away with only my son's, usually unstable, viewpoint being considered. I don't think he even calls her that much when things are going good which should speak volumes in my opinion however it is what it is. You can read the article here: http://io9.com/5955095/folie-a-deux-when-two-people-go-insane-together

My son just got back from school so I should go get my day started.

Mom
BarbieBF

A glimpse, a pleasant surprise for a change.

I managed to get some laundry done, although I did keep forgetting about it and even had a nap in between which is rare for me. My daughter and a friend were watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix, my son was sleeping, the downstairs neighbor wasn't blaring her music and I just couldn't keep my eyes open. Made two loafs of bread, one was chocolate chip and banana and the other was whole wheat with sunflower and flax seeds that we had with supper. Did a quick vacuum and wipe down of the bathroom. I think I need to get some new filters for the vacuum or see if the hose has something stuck in it as it's not picking up like it should. All in all a pretty quiet and uneventful day.

My son slept til about 4:30 PM and woke up in a pretty good mood which I wasn't really expecting. I was mentally holding my breath for the unfair laptop discussion. He did eventually ask to talk to me in private as my daughter's friend was still here. It's conversations like this that seem to pull at my heartstrings, perhaps more so then seeing him not doing well. I don't know if it's because I think I'm seeing a glimpse of the man he is capable of being. Calm, reasonable and open. He was sorry that he couldn't get up for school that he has been going and plans to continue going, he just really couldn't get up. He says that he had taken his meds earlier in the night but still had problems getting to sleep and didn't until sometime between 6 and 7. Perhaps the missing Lithium did contribute, although I doubt it, but for sake of keeping things calm I let it slide. I asked him why he hadn't woken me for a Trazadone since he does have these to use as needed for sleep. He didn't want to wake me. Nice of him however he usually wakes me for some pretty mundane things so I told him next time to wake me. As for the laptop. I backed down some. I appreciate him approaching things like this and try to meet him in the middle where I can. He could not have it back yesterday as that was the day he did miss school however I agreed to him getting it back today. He agreed that that was reasonable. I have to say I like being pleasantly surprised for a change as it doesn't happen very often. I caution myself though as I wonder if this pleasantness has anything to do with me wanting him to work with Ready4Life, a way of appeasing me. It's hard to tell and I really do dislike the fact that I even have to question his motives but as I have said before: He usually warrants an A++ in manipulation. Still... I am proud of him for being reasonable about it.

He was somewhat hyper in the evening. He still has that $140.00 in his wallet plus money in his bank account, yes surprisingly, and he has gotten it in his head that he wants to buy an expensive watch. He has a thing for lighters, pens and watches. Hubby was too tired to take him last night so maybe tonight. The quicker he spends this money the better as it going on a watch is much better then it going on marijuana or alcohol. I guess my insomnia is behaving, wahoo!, as I slept pretty good and didn't notice that he had not gone to bed until I got up at 5:30 this morning and he was still up. I had even given him a Trazadone in the dish with his other pills last night so that he could get a good nights sleep. He forgot to take them. Thought that he had but didn't. A little unsettling however I try to remind myself that recovery takes time and his mind must still be racing some. Or it's ADHD getting in the way. So many variables to consider. Because of his hyperness or excess energy I reminded him that he has Neurontin/Gabapentin and got him one. He took his pills minus the Trazadone and shortly after that said he was going for a nap now that he has taken his pills. I did give him back his laptop this morning. He seemed happily surprised when I brought it up, like he had forgotten about it. I know a lot of parents don't like their kids spending too much time on their computers however I don't like it when my son doesn't want to spend time on his. It's usually a sign that he is in his own head too much or his thoughts are racing too much.

Another one of my son's workers called yesterday as someone usually sees him Monday afternoons. When I told her that he was still sleeping that he had been up all night, she right away asked if I wanted her to set up an appointment with his pdoc. I told her what his main nurse thought however the simple fact that she seemed to recognize that my son's current sleeping habits are not a good indication of where he is at, appeased me a great deal. She said that she would make note of it and bring it up at today's meeting of the staff.

It's 1 PM and I should wake the kids up. If I let my son sleep all day he may have problems getting to sleep tonight and tomorrow is school. Will probably have to deal with him wanting me to walk to the mall with him to buy his watch. Hopefully I can talk him into waiting until hubby gets home as hubby and I have to go out and see our chiropractor today as well.

Mom
BarbieBF

Camping Trip. It's Behavioral...

I managed to sort of get organized for the camping trip. Got the salads made, even made some cheese flatbread and made sure to pack the coffee! My daughter also made some muffins. Chocolate chip and blueberry. Hubby worked on Friday so we were a little late getting to the campsite. Thankfully it is only about a 15 minute drive so hubby took my daughter and I up there first and we set up the tent while he came back to pick up my son and the remaining items.

I must say we did an awesome job and without losing our patience. I think it's been close to 20 years since I last set up a tent. Basically the same except now the poles are all connected which makes it a lot easier. It was starting to get dark when we decided to put together the lantern. I have used a camping lantern before but I didn't have to assemble it. By the time my daughter and I got it together it was dark. We had to sit in the car for light to read the instructions. By this time everyone was starving since I hadn't made supper yet. My intent was to have fire roasted corn on the cob and beef kabobs but that would have taken to long to prepare so it was boiled corn and hot-dogs instead. A white moth or butterfly decided to join us, staying attached to my son's cup for most of the meal. I regret not taking a pic.

We had a fire and shortly thereafter my hubby, my daughter and myself went to bed. I took a sleeping pill since hubby couldn't bring his CPAP machine for his sleep apnea so I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. My son didn't come to bed until much later. So much for hoping that this would help get him back into a better sleep schedule. He stated he wanted to stay up with the fire and go for a walk later. Not sure what to make of him still wanting to go for walks late at night however he isn't going for walks during the day so I'm hoping there is nothing more to it then just walking...

I was the first one up the next morning and enjoyed the quiet, my coffee and the wifi! Recently upgraded my phone to a Smartphone so I can still keep an eye on my Facebook, other multimedia and the Schizophrenia.com forum when I'm not at home. Granted it takes so much longer to view things but I'm having fun with it anyways. Eventually everyone else got up. We had breakfast, made a trip home for forgotten bathing suites and went to the park for a dip in the pool. 1.8 acre pool and it was cold! Refreshing yes since it was hot out that day but still brrr.

My son walked out a little bit then went back in and spent most of the time outside the pool area, smoking cigarettes. I'm surprised he's not chain smoking although at times it is pretty close. I stayed in and swam for a bit with my daughter, making sure to not go in water that was too deep. I usually joke that I must have drowned in a past life as I have never gotten over having a healthy respect (or fear) for water. Went back to the campsite and had the salads with tin foil grilled beef, sweet peppers and onions. My son was most looking forward to the fire again so it was started, died out and rekindled again once it got dark enough. At the campsite office he had picked up something called mystical fire which is supposed to add colors to your fire. It did. It's supposed to last 30-45 minutes. I didn't. Lasted for about 5 minutes and while it was pretty while it lasted it was somewhat disappointing. My son was somewhat disappointed when he first found out that I didn't bring the items needed for s'mores however I find it such a waste. Who eats more then one? I did bring marshmallows which appeased him although he only roasted one. My hubby roasted some marshmallows too. Turns out this was the first time that he had done it.

Thanks to The Weather Network app on my phone I saw that it was calling for a lot of rain starting at 2 in the morning with the risk of thunder showers. The thought of packing up our stuff in the rain was not appealing so after enjoying the fire we decided to pack up and head home instead of waiting until morning. My son and hubby took home the first load while my daughter and I dis-assembled the tent and packed up what was left. Out of the blue my son gave me a hug good-bye when he was leaving with my hubby to drop off the first load. A nice surprise!

His nurse did call me back on Friday. The reason her visit with him was so short was because he had asked her to leave. He wasn't impressed with her questioning him about what he had said to his Nana about me and of course he downplayed it and denied going into any details about it. She told me that he did acknowledge that he had taken some of his Nana's Percocets and talked to her about drinking and that what he had said about me was him venting when he was drunk that he didn't really mean it. I like his nurse however I sometimes wonder if she has enough experience to deal with situations like this. Or perhaps I am expecting to much? Since I don't have a direct line to my son's psychiatrist, he takes his ques from her. In her opinion what she is seeing with my son is not psychosis related and is behavioral. Based on her opinion his pdoc does not think that he needs to see my son. I acknowledge that what we are seeing is behavioral however isn't all of it behavioral? In my opinion you can not separate one from the other. When someone is experiencing psychosis, addiction/withdrawal or unstable mood then their behavior is affected. My son does not randomly become a negative person. When he is unstable his mood is unstable. When he is experiencing stress/symptoms then it is being triggered by something, be it psychosis and/or weed or also in this case Adderall and Percocets. Again I question the mindset of separating them as statistically up to 50% of people diagnosed with schizophrenia have addiction problems. For my son they go hand in hand as weed triggers his psychosis. So telling me that what I'm seeing in my son is behavioral and not psychosis related does not set well with me. The workers I dealt with in the Early Intervention Program that my son used to be in seemed to have a better understanding of this or at the very least I felt like they validated my concerns better. My son has a certain 'look' around his eyes that indicates that he is not ok. While it seems to be diminishing it is still there. I guess if you don't know him than it could be seen as him being tired but he has been getting enough sleep to not warrant looking like that.

I also talked to his nurse about setting up an appointment with a program called Ready4Life. They help to transition people into independent living. I have told my son that I requested this since he doesn't want to follow the rules here then it's time that he take this step. It's not what I want and I don't even know what to say about this except that I also have to make decisions for my own life and having my son continue to bring weed into my home is not something that I can support.

Yesterday during our second attempt at taking my daughter to one of the larger malls, I reminded my son that he had school the next day. He has been off for three weeks. He reminded me of the conversation he thought we had the previous day discussing him not going. This conversation did not take place. He stated that he has not been feeling well and that he was too tired to go. He was not to tired to go for breakfast or to the mall or to stay up most of the night. I reminded him again last night before I went to bed that he had school. This morning I did decide to let him sleep a bit more and let him go in late. When I did wake him up after 9 he said that he was too tired that he hadn't gone to bed until after 7. I was up so I know this isn't true also it was not my choice to stay up, it was his. He can take his pills and go to bed whenever he wants. I also found one of his Lithium pills on his desk this morning that he says he forgot to take. I put all of his pills in one dish so he had to have removed it himself to not take it since he swallows them all at once directly from the dish. He decided that he is willing to lose his laptop for the day and not go. We have never ironed out the details of how long he loses his laptop for and I have never agreed that it is only one day. The not so small detail in all this is that technically it is my laptop. It will be his when he has paid me the almost $3000.00 that is cost me and my hubby. He can accept the conditions of it or not have the privilege of using it. He was coherent enough talking to me that I know that he was capable of getting up if he wanted to. Since he wouldn't I calmly unplugged it and let him know that he can have it back once he is back in school. Hopefully that will be on Wednesday.

It's after 12 and time for me to get some things done. I probably won't get my son to his monthly blood work today that is now due. Need to start some laundry, vacuum, do some cleaning and bake some bread.

Mom
BarbieBF

Not one but two. Trusting your gut instincts....

I couldn't get a hold of my son's nurse yesterday as she was in meetings. Left her a voice message this morning so I'm waiting to hear back from her, hopefully soon.

I came across this picture yesterday:

It is a lesson that I seem to need to learn over and over especially where my son is concerned. I push aside my first instinct in the hopes that I am wrong when I really shouldn't. When he told me that he had lost his pipe. Lie. When he told me that that was the last of the weed. Lie. It turns out that he had gone out for a 'walk' twice the night before, after I had found that nugget in his pocket. Since he was crashed on the couch it was room search time, again. First I found a nugget in one of his hoodie pockets. I almost stopped looking but thought just in case... I could smell it in his closet so I kept looking. Found his 'lost pipe' and about two grams of weed in his coat pocket.

Straight to the dumpster. Did he buy this from some random person or did his friend downplay the amount that he had? I will probably  never know the truth as I have experienced his friend 'under the influence' and/or 'judgement impaired' and expecting the truth at this point would be pretty naive of me.

My son has also received extra money in his bank account from the government. Don't know for what yet but I guess it's for one of our rebates. I don't get these anymore since I claimed common-law as our combined family income was too high. So he has $140 in his wallet. Yippee! Usually by the time he pays me back what he owes me and buys some game subscriptions he is pretty much out of money which because of situations like this is a good thing. In reality I don't push him much to work for this reason. His first paycheck could mean another hospital admission. Yes I know that I can't forestall this forever, however I was hoping that if I could get in some good solid clean time that he would see how much better life can be without 'that monkey on his back'. Sadly I understand that attraction. For a fleeting moment I thought about keeping the weed for myself. I have had my own issues with drug abuse and my last issue was with marijuana. Another reason why I do not and can not allow it in my home. My priorities where not right when I was using. My ability to cope with normal life stresses became none existent. It's been about a year and half since hubby and I last smoked weed and next month it will be a year since we had an alcoholic drink. Lead by example... I'm trying!

While yesterday itself was calm, the evening not so much. My son stated that he was going to the store and I asked him what he was getting. 'An energy drink and other stuff, why do you ask?' It's the 'other stuff' that I'm concerned about and voiced my concerns that I really hoped it wasn't another pipe or weed since it is not allowed in the home. Can you guess how well that went over? Don't talk to me. I'm a man and can do what I want. I'm stressed (remember my previous post of stress = symptoms). Your making me want to commit suicide. I guess not letting him have another psychotic break is more then he can handle since he hasn't gone this long without one (going on 11 months). I told him to call 911 if he was suicidal. He decided he wanted me out of his room bad enough to try to physically push me out. Since I wasn't sure how aggressive he was going to get I called for my hubby. My son then tells my hubby 'I will knock you out'. You would have to see my hubby but that's not likely. We insisted that he leave the home. Sadly there was some swearing involved with this request. Sometimes we get pushed too far. My son asks me if I was going to let my hubby talk to him like that? Really!? You just threatened to knock him out! And my hubby has been feeling dissed (speak disrespectfully to) by my son for about two weeks now. He was dissing me quit a bit too but what can I say, I'm mom and I'm willing to put up with perhaps more then I should. However enough is enough. I would have to say that having my hubby around for this one was actually a relief as my son backed down and I only had to threaten to call 911 once. Of course he had to make us wait. He would leave when he is ready. Gotta love ODD. He needed his keys for his bike lock. I removed the apartment keys. I would have to say the look on his face was priceless when I handed him his bike key only. He didn't leave with his bike after all. 'Where am I going to go?' 'I don't know. You're a man and can do what you want so figure it out. Maybe spend a couple of hours thinking about your actions and the choices that you are making. Better yet find a pay phone, call Nana and tell her more bullshit and lies...' Yup, still bothering me. Perhaps I need a biased therapist to vent to.

About an hour later my mom instincts had really kicked in. Is he ok? Hubby got dressed and came with me to go look for him. He was just around the corner sitting on some steps, smoking cigarettes. I told him that we really needed to talk about him living in some sort of assisted living since he can't follow the rules of no drugs and alcohol in the home, that the next time I just may call the police so they can confiscate his weed and that the next time he pushes me I will call the police and have him charged. He didn't seem to think I could do that. Yes, It's called domestic violence and is illegal. Even for my adult son. So he decided he wanted to stay outside. That was fine with me, now that I knew he was safe. He did come in sometime later as I had left the front door unlocked and he knows how to buss himself into the building. He asked if he could have his keys back as he may want to go for a walk later. Really! I didn't have the energy at this point to say anything except no and we will talk about it tomorrow.

He went to bed around 3:30 this morning. When my daughter came to bed a little before that she stated that he was in the living room hysterically laughing. Great! I don't know if it's the weed or his medications just aren't cutting it, if he is taking them. The dish I put them in was empty. Perhaps a bit of both. To be on the safe side another go at his room is probably in order. Always trust your gut instincts... Unfortunately that sometimes gets clouded with feelings of love and hope. Maybe this time it's not what I think...

I have some salads to make for our camping trip and things to organize. Maybe this trip will put him back into a fairly normal sleep cycle. I can always hope...

Mom
BarbieBF

I don't know why...?

This blog post will be a lot shorter then yesterdays :)

While looking up ways to deal with my itchy mosquito bites, since having a shower caused a lot of them to start itching at once, I discovered that the medicinal ingredient in AfterBite is baking soda. I have some of that in my cupboard! A combination of Benadryl and vinegar seems to have done the trick. For now anyways. I also came across a list of things not to do to discourage getting them... Below for fun.

http://insects.about.com/od/flies/a/how-to-get-mosquito-bites.htm
Keep breathing
Run around
Sweat a lot
Stay warm
Dress in dark colors
Wear perfume or cologne
Use alpha hydroxy products
Don't change your socks
Drink beer and eat limburger cheese

I guess just plain old breathing does it for me. Aren't I lucky...

Managed to finally get my daughter up yesterday. 'Why didn't you wake me?' I can't say that I tried very hard but she got up and shortly thereafter went out to meet a friend. After supper my hubby took her driving again. Turns out she did stale the car, just didn't know that causing it to shut off meant she had staled it. Did better then the day before and hubby says she should be ready to leave the parking lot soon.

I forgot to mention yesterday that my son's random walks are usually about smoking weed. I had texted his friend yesterday to find out if my son had left there with weed or alcohol. Apparently I misunderstood the conversation as I only got from it that he had left with the vodka. Yesterday my daughter told me that when my son left to go on another walk around 12 or 1 the night before that when he returned he was stumbling. He finally got up around 5 PM yesterday and out he goes for another walk. At this point I texted his friend again to find out how my son got this much weed as this was obviously what he was doing and when my hubby came home from work he walked passed my son crouching in some trees with his pipe. Good thing a police officer didn't drive by! His friend tells me that he had brought a gram home but that he had no idea where he got it, that it wasn't much and only enough for 5 tokes. Hmm... It's not like my son has a network of dealers or even knows a lot of people where we live so his options are limited. So I Google what a gram looks like. That's some pretty big tokes!

So when my son finally came back in I met him at the door and told him to hand it over. He couldn't lie about it this time since he knew my hubby had seen him. Although he did try to tell my hubby that he was smoking tobacco out of the pipe. Good try! I sometimes wonder how stupid my son really thinks that we are or if it just doesn't matter to him. It's not like weed smells like tobacco and I have been smelling it in his room but couldn't find the source. So my son says that it is all gone now and that he lost his pipe while walking. I search his pockets anyways and find a nugget or bud, about .25 of gram. As for the pipe? I somehow doubt that he lost it and probably hid it somewhere outside but I guess I can always hope that on this he was telling the truth.

Last night was pretty much a repeat of the night before. He stayed up all night and went to sleep at 7:30 this morning. During one of me insomnia wake ups (It's back!) I reminded him about his pills and he asked me to get him a drink so that he could take them. He didn't. He finally took them after I got up this morning. At least I think he did. He is sleeping pretty soundly at the moment which usually indicates that he has taken them and I can't find any stashed.

His nurse called me back yesterday and I told her what has been happening and about 'his plotting to murder me'. She say him this morning shortly after 11. I pretty much had to insist that she see him today as she didn't want to see him if he was tired or sleeping which interferes with her interaction with him. This is how is right now and I didn't want him missing another appointment. She suggested sending someone else later in the day which I didn't go for as I didn't want someone who doesn't at least know him a little bit evaluating him. I sometimes wonder how many people, who do not have someone advocating for them, must slip through the cracks if this is the approach. I managed to get him up with a coffee and my daughter and I went into another room so that they could have some alone time. Granted I do try to eavesdrop a little bit but I only get the odd word here and there. It was a short visit which I find a little disturbing. Since I wasn't there to contradict or fill in the facts/truth I guess there was no need for a longer visit since my son is quit adapt at downplaying situations. I do know that she brought up his vent or plans to murder to me. I don't know how my son responded. I only heard him say 'I don't know why my mom told you about it.' I'm supposed to gloss over or ignore that my son discussed murdering me? I know I said in my previous post that I did my best to ignore the tension of his Nana wanting to 'strangle me' however I did have to resist the urge on several occasions to bluntly ask her if the plan was to do me in my sleep or would I see it coming? Apparently this has me somewhat upset. My bad.

I guess I will have to wait until I talk to his nurse again to find out what she thought or got from that short conversation. She had also mentioned yesterday the possibility of my son getting in to see his psychiatrist next week if needed. I'm wondering what constitutes need. He quickly went back to sleep after she left.

I was thinking about walking to the bank. Still thinking about it :) My daughter has a bit of a stomach ache and is still in bed whining a little and I guess arguing with her boyfriend on the phone. We have plans to go camping this weekend so I need to make a list on what food to get or bring as well as some camping supplies that we still haven't gotten yet. My hubby wants to bring his air mattress so we will have to get one for the kids as well. Originally the forecast was calling for rain but it appears now that it is going to hold off until Sunday.

Perhaps I should give his worker a call. I just remembered that I didn't tell her that my son has been randomly laughing for no apparent reason. Actually he hasn't really stopped doing it since the Adderall mishap. It seems to come and go and when I ask him what he is laughing at he says nothing. He was doing it this morning as well. I don't know why...

Mom
BarbieBF

Road Trip, Home Sweet Home!

What can I say about the first part of our road trip to see my daughter? Nothing good I'm afraid. Left Burlington, Ontario Friday night and got there early Monday morning. The motor in our car went in Medicine Hat, Alberta on Sunday. My hubby decided he wanted to decrease his Ciprelax dose plus missed taking some due to driving. My son still isn't recovered from the Adderall mishap and his mood and attitude was still pretty negative. By the time we reached Banff National Park I had had enough and part of me is still wishing I had had the kahunas to leave them both on the side of the road. As it was I made my son exit the vehicle, rental car (left our car in Medicine Hat to get the motor replaced), that he decided needed to feel his fist while I got my own tears of frustration under control. That took about 10-15 minutes. That night I managed to get a Trazadone, along with his other meds, into my son so he passed out pretty good in the back seat. We arrived in Langley, British Columbia around 4 AM and had to wait until 7 for someone to be at the motel so we could check in. At least we made it... Oh I ended up buying hubby and I cigarettes so there went over two months of no smoking down the drain. What can I say? It was smoke or get divorced ;)

We checked into the motel and finally got my son into the shower. There was no way I was going to let his Dad and Nana see him looking like something the cat dragged in. I'm still mentally kicking myself a little bit that I didn't have my guard up regarding the Adderall. I had so wanted them to see how much progress my son had made. Instead we show up with him barely stable. Not to much I can do about that now. At least he was clean!

I'm afraid the first day with my daughter was through somewhat of a sleep deprived haze. On a good note my insomnia didn't act up the whole time I was there. I guess exhaustion has it's up side.

Wednesday was graduation day. Four proud parental figures watched her walk across the stage and accept her diploma. *happy tears* Thursday was the grad dinner and dance to which all of her parental figures also attended. Certainly a lot more to a high school graduation now than when I graduated. I am extremely proud to have been a part of it.

Hubby and I also attended my daughter's baptism. A very small church or group of very nice people. They seemed to really like my daughter and I'm glad that she has found them. Religion has not been a big part of my own life. Growing up with a somewhat fanatical father when it came to Religion and the Bible I tend to veer away from religious denominations. However I have managed to hang onto God himself so I'm happy that my daughter has also found him and made a place for him in her life.

This was the first time that I got to meet my kids step-mom. I think we got along pretty good. She was very nice and opened her home to us for which I am grateful. I didn't do nearly as much motel cooking as I had planned on doing. A little rehashing of old times with my ex... It seems he has spoken of an occasion when I threw an ashtray at his head. If I recall it was a cup and well deserved however he managed to leave out that part in the telling. I of course corrected the oversight!

Nana however is a different story. Happy to see me yet that quickly changed after my son 'vented' his version of the truth? Perhaps truth is not the right word since the only person that doesn't know that it was mostly bullshit is nana herself. The cold shoulder I got reflected her apparent want to 'strangle me' for treating my son like a child and being too controlling. I guess I was supposed to buy him a top of the line Alienware laptop for almost $3000.00 with no strings attached, certainly not use it as a condition of him attending school a whole whopping 6 hours a week. Not sure how I am being too controlling except that perhaps I shouldn't be trying to stop him from drinking and using? Perhaps I should be handing him over more money when he blows his on alcohol, games and whatever nicotine fad he is currently into? After all it's his disability check and shouldn't he get to blow it on himself while I pay for everything? Yes I'm being sarcastic. All this aside the most disturbing thing was that it seems my son spent some time going into detail with his Nana on how he was going to murder me. Yup a little scary and I believe it since he also later admitted it to me. Previously when my son lived with her he used to abuse her percocets and I'm pretty sure this time was no different. My son stayed with his Dad/Nana while hubby and I stayed at the motel. For about two days the way that he was looking at me was very unnerving to say the least. Very cold and calculating. Gotta love those perks! Did Nana think to tell me or warn me? Of course not. Others in the house overheard. Something I will be bringing up to his nurse when she returns my call today. Unfortunately I wasn't able to monitor his medications or alcohol use so he missed I'm thinking at least two nights worth of medications and stole alcohol from his Dad's stash. We went to see the fireworks for Canada Day, July 1st and security at the park poured out the rum that was in his water bottle. So ya part of the trip was others feeling uncomfortable due to the cold shoulder I was getting that no one could really understand why. When asked if she was upset with my son the answer of course was that she could never be upset with him. Apparently his negative attitude and comments like 'If they were my kids they would be getting a punch in the head', I guess for the ring he left out and the kids got a hold of, is acceptable behavior? I tried my best to ignore it as I know better then to expect any different. She managed to hug me instead of strangling me when I hugged her good-bye...

I had been saving up my Walmart dollars so that I could take my daughter shopping. One of my previous saving up of them had gone on a deep fryer that my son wanted so I figured she deserved the same so we took her shopping for some cloths. She got some underwear, bras, shorts, legging and quit a few shirts since they were on sale for $3.94 I do believe. I don't recall what else. It seems my son 'vented' about this as well stating that I had spent way more then I did and that it was unfair. Something else that was unfair. How much attention we were all giving my daughter for her graduation and baptism. Things like this happen everyday, so why all the fuss? I seem to be dripping with sarcasm today.

Then there was the trip to White Rock beach that we apparently omitted directly asking my son to go with us. My bad. It was a given on my part that he was coming with us as we talked about it with him and he was ready to leave with us when we left with no prompting from anyone to get ready. Yah I'm somewhat confused on that one too. Why be ready to go somewhere if you are not invited? Other then the fact that we couldn't find my son a pair of sandals that out of the blue he decided he needed even though he previously didn't want when I wanted to get him a pair, the trip to the beach turned into good day. Not much time spent at the actual beach as I'm afraid I got hit with an overwhelming thirst and need to get out of the heat so we stopped at a restaurant. By the time we made it to the beach it had cooled down, perhaps a bit too much but my daughter and her boyfriend had fun playing in the water anyways. We did end up getting my son a pair of sandals when we took my daughter cloth shopping and he even likes them still. I sometimes shake my head that I can buy him expensive things like a PSP4 and Nintendo3DS and he shows more long term appreciation for the littler things like sandals or shoes. Go figure. Child abuse as it's best it would seem. Here I go again with the sarcasm. In case I haven't mentioned it my son has a tendency to accuse me of child abuse when I don't give him everything that he wants when he is not stable.

I guess one of the 'positive' things I can take from this trip with respect to my son and his Nana is that the likelihood of me moving across country and putting them in the same province, certainly not the same city, is clearly not an option. I sincerely wish that that was not the case as I have on occasion entertained the thought for my daughter's sake. Until recently I was pretty set against it for several reasons. My sisters, although we are currently not talking and my hubby's job security. Yes he can find a job out there but not with an employer who has stood behind him through some pretty tough times and certainly not with the job security that he currently has. Asking a 58 year old man to give this up is not something I particularly feel comfortable doing and in reality I won't. I guess I'm still pretty set against it. Not really a positive thing for my daughter *sad face*

Despite all of the above there was still room for some sibling and family bounding. My daughter's step-mom took some beautiful pictures of my daughter's graduation and dance. Some bounding over Dad teaching the kids how to chop wood for a fire and roasted marshmallows and s'mores. The fireworks were awesome. My kid's half sister is adorable and so is their step-sister. The heat rash I developed on the other hand was not so awesome. I guess I spend way to much time indoors and we did have some pretty hot days.

Thursday night we managed to squeeze everything back into the rental, plus our daughter and her luggage as she came back with us and will fly back home after two weeks. The trip home was much calmer. We still drove through the night on two occasions however this time my hubby didn't miss taking his Ciprelax and we tried not to rush. Picked up our car on the way back with it's new-used motor. Got some cute pics of the kids sleeping. One with my daughter's head on my son's shoulder. Priceless. Below are some of the pics I took driving through the Canadian Rockies and clouds!

We made it home 9:30 Monday morning. All a little zombified. The kids headed for the sofas and quickly went back to the sleep. I of course got on my computer. I missed my baby. Spent a couple of hours catching up as best I good with my sleep deprived foggy brain. Eventually curled up with hubby and managed to get a power nap in. Totally passed out on the sofa later that evening which is rare for me. Hubby managed to guide me to bed. I left my daughter watching Alice in Wonderland on her own.

Once we all had a little energy we took a drive for cigarettes and to the grocery store. Later that evening my son decided he wanted to go to his friends for the night. No surprise there. He had bought two pipes when he got his cigarettes. His disability payment was waiting for him when we got home. A ride to his friends including a stop at the liquor store to 'pick up alcohol for his friend'. I'm never to sure how to handle these situations as I know I can't completely stop him from buying alcohol or using. I also forgot to make sure he had his meds with him when he left. So he smoked pot, drank alcohol and didn't take his meds on Monday night, on top of not really being stable as it is. Picked him up yesterday afternoon and he was not doing to well. Really distracted. Picked his sister up from visiting a friend and she was in the car for a bit before he even realized that she was there. Had to repeat everything 2-3 times. Took out his laptop but didn't get on it. Not a good sign when my son is to distracted to get on his computer. He has hardly been on it since before we left on our trip. Randomly decided to go for a walk stating that he is stressed and needs to get out. Another bad sign. When he says stressed that seems to mean symptomatic or at the very least racing thoughts which would explain how distracted he is. He says he is not hearing voices but I can't be sure. He says he doesn't have any weed. Again I can't be sure. I messaged his friend and asked him my son had left with any weed and he said no but he did leave with vodka. It took two searches of his room to find that as the first time I checked his backpack it wasn't in there but was the second time. I got rid of it. Usually I tell him that I have done this but this time I decided not to say anything, well I haven't yet. He knows the rules so if he wants to waste his money on alcohol going down the drain then so be it.

Getting him to take his meds was about an 8 hours ordeal. I finally got them into him at around 5 this morning after he had been up all night. Not good since I don't think he slept at his friends either. He kept saying that he was going to take them but wouldn't as he needed to think first. Not easy trying to 'nicely' persuade him without triggering what I call his ODD. Then when he finally did take them he dropped them. I think we may have missed .5 of his Risperdone but I did manage to give him a Trazadone so hopefully he will sleep for a long time. Even with the pills it took him over an hour to go to sleep. Not good.

I'm waiting for his nurse to call me back. I'm really thinking that we should have upped his Clozapine after the Adderall however I didn't want to trigger his ODD however it is pretty apparent that he is not recovering very well. Perhaps his nurse will have a solution. He is just not stable enough to withstand missed doses or lack of sleep. Or any weed it would seem.

Yesterday evening we went to pick up our hamster from my hubby's sister who hamster-sat for us. But first we took my daughter to a parking lot so that she could try driving. She also got her learners driving license before we left to head back home. Another proud moment. Of course she badgered us the whole drive home to let her drive.

Don't know if you can see it but that tire mark was my daughter's doing. Granted, I don't think she staled which is better then I usually do in a standard.

Well it's 2 PM and I have effectively managed to spend my day so far on my computer. Yes I missed it! I guess I should go and put a little more effort into waking my daughter and perhaps put in another call to my son's nurse before I hit the shower. Dreading the idea of causing all my mosquito bits to itch at once. I have managed to get bitten 27 times within the past 4-5 days. Yup I counted. 27 of them and some of them are nasty. FYI vinegar works just as good as After Bite or Benadryl and you only smell like french fries for about 5-10 minutes.

Mom
BarbieBF